 Item number SCP-1417-J Object Class, Euclid Special Containment Procedures As it cannot be moved, a titanium containment chamber 10 meters by 10 meters by 10 meters has been erected around SCP-1417-J with SCP-1417-J itself in the center. SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be painted solid white and decorated with prop scientific and medical equipment. At no point should any equipment installed within the containment chamber be used for actual examination of SCP-1417-J. Current authorized decorations include two high voltage traveling arcs, Jacob's letters, to be kept online at all times. A late 1950s transistor computer covering one wall with visible reel-to-reel tape drives and three large panels of flashing diagnostic lights, blinkin' lights. One telescope of at least 100 centimeter circumference with a retracting roof section. Six conical glass flasks, Erlenmeyer flasks, filled with brightly colored liquids and illuminated from behind the perspective of SCP-1417-J. At least three of the flasks are to be kept boiling above Bunsen burner flames at all times. One centrifuge holding test tubes filled with brightly colored liquids, two oscilloscopes, one of which has been modified to play the game Tennis for Two, three large wall-mounted switches with signage in English and German reading Do Not Pull, one Vondegraaff generator and one plasma globe standing side by side, three lava lamps, three microscopes, one paper stock ticker providing the current readout of the New York Stock Exchange, one electric heart monitor connected to SCP-1417-J at all times and producing falsified readouts representative of a healthy adult human male. One falsified SCP containment file for SCP-1417-J, identifying it as a Ketter-class artifact capable of producing an XK-class event if not neutralized as soon as possible. SCP-1417-J's containment chamber is to be staffed at all times by no less than three level one personnel with prior experience in live theater or public performance and who have attended and passed Foundation Training Seminar 43021.102 Improvisational Acting and SCP Containment 52033.206 Advanced Technobabble and 8392.101 SCIENCE! Containment personnel are to be dressed in white laboratory coats and wear eyeglasses at all times and are to carry a notepad, six pens or pencils, and two test tubes in a breast pocket, a slide rule, and a pair of opaque goggles. Containment personnel are not to make any actual attempts at experimentation on or scientific observation of SCP-1417-J and are to engage in quote experimentation and quote involving the provided prop equipment while pretending to take notes and speaking to each other in quote technobabble and quote with no intended actual meaning. Actual observation and monitoring of SCP-1417-J is to be conducted indirectly by hidden camera and microphone. In the event that physical interaction with SCP-1417-J is required for testing purposes, personnel conducting the examination are to be dressed and behave in a similar manner to containment personnel. In the event that SCP-1417-J ceases to respond to standard containment, emergency procedure 1634-Broadway is to be conducted as soon as possible until such time as SCP-1417-J becomes inactive. Emergency procedure 1634-Broadway is to be rewritten after each such implementation and containment personnel are to rehearse the current procedure for at least two hours each day while not engaged in containment. Class B or Class E amnesiacs are to be distributed to the civilian population of as necessary in the event of high visibility containment breaches. Description SCP-1417-J is in a regularly shaped meteorite approximately 1.2 kilograms in mass comprised primarily of silicates and igneous stone which entered the earth's atmosphere on 2000 and impacted the earth's surface in a desert area approximately 6.3 kilometers east of Iraq. SCP-1417-J's surface has been no less than degrees centigrade in temperature at all times since its discovery. All attempts at relocating SCP-1417-J from its impact site have resulted in its temperature increasing rapidly and producing physical pain or destruction of equipment being used to attempt to move it. Physical analysis suggests that SCP-1417-J came into being during the initial formation of the solar system approximately 4.3 billion years ago and that it had been in an irregular orbit of the earth for an unknown period of time prior to its impact. SCP-1417-J is believed to be sentient and to possess telekinetic abilities. No means of direct communication with SCP-1417-J has been established. Observation suggests that SCP-1417-J is able to see and hear events occurring within its immediate vicinity and that it is sensitive to radio waves and is able to induce telekinetic effects within a 20 kilometer radius of itself, an area including all of central and several outlying suburbs and agricultural areas. SCP-1417-J's telekinetic abilities become active whenever it is not undergoing what it considers to be active scientific observation. Which it appears to define as being directly observed by a group of human beings who are experimenting on it with electrical or chemical apparatus and taking written notes regarding it. Early attempts at containing SCP-1417-J with legitimate scientific research became ineffective after approximately two weeks, where after increasingly dramatized and pseudoscientific Hollywood science set pieces were performed by containment personnel with success, leading eventually to the establishment of current containment protocols. Current speculation by Foundation xeno-psychological specialists suggests that SCP-1417-J finds actual scientific research uninteresting or unrealistic, and that stylized performances with no actual scientific merit are more entertaining to it or appealing to its ego. In the event that direct observation as described above ceases or the quality of performance fails to impress SCP-1417-J, it will begin to employ its telekinetic abilities against site personnel and or civilians in the neighboring areas. Manifestations of SCP-1417-J's telekinetic ability have been noted to extend solely to mischievous deeds of a light-hearted nature, pranks or practical jokes in common use. Beginning at a rate of approximately one per minute and increasing in frequency and severity until containment performance resumes, with a high of 700 instances per hour noted during containment breach 1417-J-36, pranks performed by SCP-1417-J rarely result in direct lasting harm to the target. In advanced containment breaches however, pranks have been increasingly malicious in nature and have been noted to result indirectly in serious injury or fatality. Pranks performed by SCP-1417-J have been documented as including tying together of personnel shoelaces, manifestation of partially inflated balloons under sea cushions intended to gradually deflate with a loud report when sat upon, unscrewing of shaker lids on condiment jars, manifestation of burning paper bags containing animal excrement at the front door of a domicile, replacement of freshly ground coffee beans with instant coffee crystals, placement of phone calls to police agencies reporting false crime tips, including reports of streakers outside the Mosque that Prime Minister had become stuck in a public toilet or that author Salomon Rushdie had been spotted ordering a BLT sandwich at a local cafe, replacement of the active ingredient in non-prescription painkiller tablets with prescription painkillers, laxatives, or nitroglycerin, manifestation of dead house flies, Musca domestica, within ice cubes contained in a person's beverage, replacement of live rounds in a US servicemen's rifle with blank cartridges, tracer rounds, or bullet-shaped pieces of caramel candy, spontaneous appearance of large amounts of pornography of a legal or illegal nature upon staff computers, manifestation of paper notes upon person's backs reading kick me, pinch me, or death to Mohammed and all the dogs that follow him in English and Arabic. Containment breach 1417-J-36, emergency procedure 1634-Broadway transcript, forward on 2000, a level one employee engaged in routine containment procedures broke character after tripping and injuring himself. As a result of the lapse in containment, SCP 1417-J began instigating telekinetic pranks throughout the area and failed to respond to attempts at recontaining it. Dr. James Anderson, current SCP 1417-J containment manager and six-time star of the annual Site-19 Christmas pageant, entered the containment chamber to assist in conducting emergency procedure 1634-Broadway. Personnel on hand, Dr. Anderson, Dr. Sarah Becker, Dr. Ibrahim Kamal, Dr. Andrew Sullivan, begin log. Are we ready, people? Ready, sir? Great. Seen. Becker and Kamal begin running around the room frantically. Sullivan rushes up to Anderson, panting. Thank God you're here, sir. What the devil is going on here? This is a laboratory, not a circus. It's SCP-1417-J, sir. It's the rate out to 17 minutes. If we don't, oh, those people! For God's sake, man, calm yourself down. Sorry, sir. It's just we've got a runaway positronic acceleration on our hands here. Have you tried realigning the multimodal flux relay? It's no good, sir. We're getting a gluonic resistance readout of 38. Anderson whips off his glasses. Mother of God. If we don't stop the anti-polar magnetic attractors from aligning in the next three minutes, Dr., this entire continent is going to be kaput. We're going to have to reboot the central lenticular magnetron and- Damn it, there's no time! Ibrahim, you took advanced phlogistonics back in college, right? Yes, sir, but I don't see how that's- Andy, get the subatomic electrovolcanizer ready. Ibrahim, I'm going to need you to manually rejigger the anti-nucleonic force matrix. Are you mad, sir? That'll kill him! If we don't stop those nega-quarks from sorting the strange matter from the Osmium-Freon colloid, we're all dead! Ibrahim, can you do it? I- I can't do it, sir. Damn it, Ibrahim! When I rescued you from that orphanage in that Turkish prison, it was because I knew someday you'd save the entire world. Are you going to let me down now? I- I can do it, sir. Stand back and watch how a pro does it. Kamal puts one hand on the plasma lamp and one on the vandagraph generator and begins to mime being electrocuted. Photonic resonance rating at 63, sir. 68, 74, 85, oh my god, 87, 93, 99.8, sir! External observation reports to containment personnel via ear pieces that telekinetic activity is slowing down and SCP-1417-J appears to be becoming inactive. 99.9! 92, 73, 48, it's going down, sir! Rarotonium levels dropping, negative aetherias levels nominal. We're in the clear, sir! We did it! Ibrahim, are you okay? Damn it! Anderson rushes to Kamal's side and begins miming CPR and mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Don't you die on me, you son of a bitch! You've never given up on anything before! Don't you give up on me now! Kamal coughs, lurches up, and rises slowly to his feet. Did we do it? We sure did! Son, I knew we would, dad. Anderson sweeps Becker off her feet and kisses her. I love you! I'm pregnant! But how? Science! Kamal and Sullivan cheer as Anderson lifts Becker off her feet and carries her out of the containment chamber. Relief staff enter and standard containment resumes. End log.