 True story, two years ago, right? Yep. Two years ago, he showed up in Orlando. Man, this is nuts, and this is the passion that the 21 convention fuels and inspires and all this sort of stuff flew out from Australia to Orlando, Florida to come to the convention because of what he liked, what he saw, all this sort of stuff, and he came to the convention and I believe felt that it was more than it actually was advertised as. And convinced Anthony to help bring it to Australia, also to come and speak and just be a part of this awesome family. Like, were you here on stage? You're us. We're all one big happy family, so be a part of it. This is Lucas. Welcome, he's talking about relationships. It's gonna kick ass, and let's start the day right. All right, guys? Cool, it's all yours, buddy. Yeah. So just a bit about myself, I guess, in terms of what Steve had just said. I did go to the event two years ago, and I guess what had interested me is there was nothing specifically for males anywhere to be seen that was kind of, I guess, a health or growth kind of an event. And there's a lot of stigma in terms of growth and success and stuff like that, especially in terms of relationships and how one should go about entertaining women and stuff like that. So that was something that I was interested in, and I actually came across this whole different community that I wasn't aware of. And it was fascinating, actually, to see how specific some of these things were in terms of interactions with women and stuff like that. And I guess I'm jumping to a kind of conclusion without actually elaborating on what I'm about. Firstly, I come from a psychological background. So this is why it was interesting, because what they were saying as well is things about, just off the top of my head, validation and qualification and stuff. These are actual, and justification as well. These are actual psychological variables and psychological processes in social psychology. So I was like, well, these people understand something that isn't readily explained to men at all. And that's what I found fascinating. And I found as well, this kind of an event should be here. And as well, obviously, with the demand here, the many people that are here tonight today, sorry, it shows that it's necessary. But I guess my interest in terms of women and relationships and stuff like that is specifically the variables that come into a relationship in terms of success and longevity. I have other interests as well in psychology, but mainly relationships is one thing that I have been looking at. Also, another good thing about this convention is the fact that there's a nutritional side aspect, a health side aspect, and this is another passion of mine as well. So if I do run out of time, we can just shoot some questions about that or even about the speech, highly doubt that I'll run out of time. Okay, so I guess where my speech is gathered from and what kind of information I'll be using. So the information comes from the research that I've gathered and I've been interested in and also anecdotal evidence. So what I mean by that is personal experiences, observations and what I've seen and what I'm particularly interested in is how relationships stay together even in unsatisfying times. That's one thing. And another thing is how people get into relationships in the first place. There's so many reasons we could think of that people enter relationships. When I talk about the concepts that I'll be talking about and I'll elaborate on the specific concepts of my speech, I may give specific examples and what these examples are specific to that context. So you could use another example and explain the same concept. And the reason I point that out is because if I give a very specific example, it's just for argument's sake. Someone else will say, oh, what about this situation? Yeah, you just need to take that concept and apply it into another context. So just to clarify that, if you do have questions about something that seems very or too specific, I guess save that to the end or you may even through the speech learn that I've already elaborated on that. Okay, so some considerations before I talk about the specific concepts that I'm talking about. So we need to consider self-esteem because this is a big issue in relationships and to us as individuals as well. But in terms of this speech as well, self-esteem is a big variable. So what is self-esteem to people? Can anyone put a label on that? Textbook definition right there. So the specifics I guess about that is the key words is self-worth. But in terms of your values and your goals and your beliefs. So this is what we need to consider when we look at reasons for entering in a relationship. Also I'll be talking about, I'll be using the terms normal and norm. So what I mean by normal is not exactly what is right. It's norm or normal as in average. So there's the norm, let's say let's take income for an example, there's normal income, average income people and there's high income, low income. So that's what I mean by normal. I don't mean in any sense as in this is correct or this is better or anything like that in terms of normal because that's what normal can be perceived as as the right way. And again these are just points to consider when I'm speaking about the speech. Also high satisfaction. So I'll be talking about a high satisfaction relationship as a model to reference against but what is high satisfactory relationships? I'll leave that for a second. So what are these variables that I'm talking about and what is it that I'm actually talking about today in terms of relationships? Well what determines I guess all predicts relationship satisfaction and longevity. Some main things are one's expectations of relationships and a partner. So what they expect from the opposite. I should watch my words there. I guess for this convention as well I'll be talking about heterosexual romantic relationships just to point that out as well. Yeah I don't want to get in trouble there. So the expectations you have of the opposite sex so a potential partner and also the expectations you have of a relationship model. And also these expectations can shape your behaviors. So the behaviors that you portray within the relationship itself are crucial to how the relationship will stand with time. And again some crucial variables for longevity and satisfaction. So if we break those down the crucial variables for expectations and how they're set up actually. How we develop these expectations of our relationships and potential partners. Firstly normative influences and attachment styles will be considered. Then will be considered some crucial variables again for the satisfaction of the relationship. And there's mainly one but it can be critiqued to somewhat but it may seem like an obvious one but we'll go over that and we can discuss this as well. Okay so I put it to anyone out there so why relationships? And this is another thing if you ask people they'll give you some generic answer like people don't understand why a relationship. If you ask some people if you ask some guys they're like oh cause she's hot. Is that a reason to be in a relationship do you think? Yeah and why is that? Well sir why would you be in a relationship? Cause you enjoy the company. All right. Well if we just take a step back for a second and look at these three or four things that have been mentioned it seems like there's a togetherness, a belongingness. You know you see company, input, sharing, being vulnerable together which is actually a surprising one I've never heard of that before. It's good definitely. But yeah we have a sense of a need to belong but we could say that we could belong in terms of a friendship. So you can get company from friends, you can get input from friends, you can get sharing and feeling vulnerable from friends. So what else do you relate? Why we would be in relationships? Intimacy, yep that's a really good one. So I'll just put that under as buyer. Anyone else? Who said that? What have you been studying? So even with growth in character we could consider intimacy, biological urges to procreate yes and growth in character. So these things that we could experience so I'm assuming that when you mean intimacy cause it's a pretty broad term, sexual intimacy yes. So what's to say we can't experience these in I guess, sorry in I guess a one night stand or those kinds of intimate interactions. What's to say we can't experience that? And that so let's assume that we're all amazing at attracting the opposite sex and it's so easy. So why wouldn't we just want the best benefits from being with a friend and having no strings attached and sleeping with someone and experiencing these? Is there a difference here between putting these two together in a relationship or having these two separate and having just an abundance of friends that you can have company input sharing vulnerability with and your occasional intimate partner that you could have intimacy relieve your biological urges and grow from that experience, convenience. Convenience and this is, that's actually a good segue to one of my points in the speech actually. Anything else? I don't know which one's my water. Okay, so the thing is, is if you were just gonna be doing that, right? Compared to the difference between a relationship, what a relationship will give you is growth in a different sense, intimacy in a different sense, company in a different sense. What I mean by that is, yeah, you can feel company and input from your friend, but you won't feel it near the extent to if you have a long-term relationship with someone. Because you have these two combining things in a relationship, your, I lost my train of thought. So because you have these two things combining with the one partner, your comfortability, your experiences are much more enhanced putting these two together, experiencing these two things with one person. Brings you into this point, which was exactly right what you were saying, into a state of vulnerability. You can tell your partner a lot more than you can tell your friends. Obviously you can tell your partner a lot more than you can tell an intimate person. The person that you just experience a one-night sandwich. But also, even if we look at these, you won't feel the kind of sexual intimacy, I would say, and what's been suggested as well with the research, that you won't feel that kind of intimacy that you will from when you have sexual encounters with your partner, because you feel comfortable with them. Here, I would say that you don't feel near as comfortable as with someone that you have known for quite some time, correct? So these are the kinds of benefits that you get, right? So we see that there's benefits in what we're looking for in a partner. So the main reason of being in a relationship compares to these is the providence of self-esteem. So you could say that this is self-esteem boosting, yeah? But how we've defined self-esteem is much more deeper than what someone would say that self-esteem boosting. I would call that more egotistical boosting, which is a lot short-lived than a self-esteem. If any of these concepts are unfamiliar, just raise your hand, or if I'm not making myself clear, do raise your hand and I'll elaborate on that, because I do have flight of ideas at times, and it makes sense for me, but then trying to get that out in the amount of time that I have, it can be a bit tricky. So where was that? Yeah, so self-esteem. So what would promote self-esteem in a relationship compares to being with a friend and just into a partner? Anyone? Yeah, so building, that's one aspect as well. Because of the longevity, the self-esteem, what you just said with the physical experiences and the times that you had, that's boosting your confidence right there. Could I just chime in here? Yep. Before we interact with one another? Okay, yeah. But no problem, keep going. Yep, all right. So we see these things as rewarding, self-esteem, the biggest factor, let's just write that down, so self-esteem, what else? What contributes to self-esteem? Emotional support, right? This is what you get from a relationship compares to this and that to a greater extent because again, you feel a sense of comfortability in a relationship, in a romantic relationship, more so than you would from just a friend and just from this. Does that, is that clear to everyone? Yes? And is it clear why? Yeah. So we've got these rewards. So what are some rewards that you can think of in a relationship based on what we've just talked about with self-esteem? You get support, like complete support and you have the other person that doesn't judge you. Anyone else? Go ahead, have a go. So what are the benefits of the reward? A rewarding thing in a relationship. A relationship. So yes, support, companionship. Yep, companionship. They can genuflect and help reinforce your goals because they know you're at a deeper level. What about the word love? With a relationship, you can experience that but can it mean to different people? Like, you know, you can have that with a friend, you can have that, I suppose not ready with one night stand. They love with the companionship. Is that something that we're looking for or is that the difference between the two? No, you're exactly right. And what you said before is you can experience love with a friend as well. But it's a different type of love. So again, love is a very tricky concept because it's defined in so many ways and it's such an ambiguous concept. So there's no clear distinction, it's very fuzzy. It can be perceived in many ways. But I guess while we're on that point, a norm view, so the average view of love as a definition is what you were saying, so compassionate love. So the bonding and the affection and stuff like that and passionate love. So fiery intimacy and these two dichotomies that should be put together for, I would say, ideal love. But anyway, would we agree that these are reasons to enter in a relationship? These kinds of rewards, if we look at these rewards, so support, I would call that so non-judgment, so unconditional regard, right? Reinforcement of goals, so self enhancement and love. Are these reasons to be in a relationship? Yes, we can all agree on that. But then comes the costs as well. So the costs are opposite of rewards, you could say, and we can think of many costs in a relationship. Then we've got a comparison level. So are we deserving of these rewards? So, and our comparison level is what we think of when we think of what we deserve in terms of rewards and costs and what would that be based on? What would our idea of what we deserve or what we're worth in terms of rewards and costs be based on? They're based on past experiences that we've had with relationships, obviously. You've experienced relationships. That sets a certain stage or a benchmark, right? Also, society as a large shows us what's appropriate as a reward and what's not. But not always do people enter relationships for these reasons. I'm sure each of you can think of five reasons or five examples of relationships where you just think, really? Thinking of one right now. But if you wanna experience a satisfying relationship, these are the sorts of things you wanna be focusing on. And the great thing is, is that you can tell that all of you are educated in this sense, which is a big props for males because you would assume that women would put these kinds of ideals up, these kinds of situations, which are appropriate and correct. If we look at some, that was just a kind of a pat on the back over on there, yeah? But we can see that there's other rewards that people kind of go into relationships seeking. So it could be a financial reward, for example. But is this a reward that's appropriate? If you wanna experience satisfying relationships with a good track record and to experience these sort of things, to promote these sort of things, you would say that someone that's seeking financial gain out of a relationship is not gonna experience these sort of things, if they do to the extent that people that are actually looking for these things would experience them, correct? Yeah? So again, with the comparison level, what that sets up. And this is what I wanna talk about in isolation more so. The comparison level that you have and what kind of influences, to use the same word, influence your comparison level and what you expect of relationships and how you behave in relationships. Because what you expect out of a relationship is gonna influence how you behave as well. So let's take an example of informational influence. So an informational influence is society at large. The kind of schemas they provide us for a relationship, for how men should act or how women should act in a relationship. And these forms are expectations of relationships. So let's take culture, for example. Different cultures have different expectations for men and women and how they should act in relationships. And this will set up your idea of what's appropriate as a reward in a relationship, right? So what's my point here? My point here is that if you're under the wrong informational influence, you may be picking up the wrong ideas about rewards, right? What I mean by rewards is good reasons to get into relationships or reasons that are gonna promote a satisfactory and stable relationship. So again, why do we look for others? We look for others in reference to see how relationships are, what we should be or how we should behave in relationships, what we should expect out of relationships and why is this? Because as was mentioned before, love and romantic relationships are very ambiguous topics. We don't know, there's no hard and fast rules about them. Again, like I said before, many people can get into relationships for various different rewards. No one will say anything, you just see that they've gotten into relationships for these reasons and that's just how it is. So we're uncertain, but we know that relationships are an important concept to us and why is that? Because from a very young age, we're brought to believe that it's a natural part of life. So what I mean by that is you go to school, you go get a job, you develop as a person, then you meet someone and you get married. And in no way am I attending that marriage is the epitome or anything like that. Everyone's got their own opinions on that. But this is why relationships, we seek information from others. Because it is important, it's been ingrained into us from a very young age. So let's take a specific example of what can shape, what kind of a social situation can shape your expectations in more so a negative way. So if we take the men that you hang around, for example, then I'm not pointing to anyone in any way here. I'm just saying that a negative situation that could maybe influence the way we experience or see these as rewards in relationships. So an example could be a more younger version of example would be when you get into college and just say there's the guy that for the group of guys, let's just say the cool guys that get all the cheeks and stuff like that, you join their group and you feel that, well, they're attracting women, they must know something about relationships. But then you get into that social circle and the idea of what they expect women to be or how they treat women is in a sense, well, we could say negative or bad. So for example, they have girlfriends but they're treating them wrongly, they're cheating on them. They don't show any care for them. They don't show any reinforcement of goals. They don't show much love. But this is accepted, right? This is the norm that's developed in that friendship, in the friendship circle, sorry. So this is the kind of ideas you're gonna, or these kinds of expectations of relationships and how you should behave. And you see this, even when people have moved through college, like big college groups, right? They move on, you see them 10 years later, they're still, some of them, well, this is personally what I've experienced as well. What I've seen is there's particular groups that you'll see and their kind of norms and how they approach women, how they treat women and now they're married, let's just say. But they're still on the slide doing these sorts of things. And it's normal. This is what they think relationships are about. In a sense, I guess, to me it seems like they will see the relationships as free rights, just like who said before, convenience. Convenience factors, right? Would you say that someone that expects relationships and the opposite sex to accept these kinds of behaviors or for relationships to be in this sort of way that you can treat women like this, would you expect them to be experiencing compassion, reinforcement of goals and unconditional regard? Would you expect the relationship to be of high satisfaction? And again, when I mean high satisfaction, I do mean these sorts of variables to get into, to promote self-esteem. So if self-esteem is one of the greatest things in all reason for a relationship, would those things be promoting self-esteem? Does the biological clock factor into this in any way? So elaborate on that, please. Well, I don't know how much it is for guys, but you know, you hear a lot about like women and they're like, you know, my clock's ticking and they want to get married before they turn like 30 and then have kids. But I don't know, does that factor in for guys as well? In any way, like for them, is that like, would that be another reason for them to go into relationships? Like, would that factor in that? So what you're saying is there a time limit for men as there is for women? Yeah, and would that kind of be a reason and like, I don't know, negative reason to stop to get into relationships? Yeah, that's another, see this is what I was meaning about some specific examples of rewards and stuff like that. When I give an example, you just take the same concept, put it in a different context like you just did. So that is a reward being married, but for what reason? Just because you feel the urge of being married. You know, that's, I wouldn't say that's a, well, I would say that's not a good reason to be in a relationship, right? Especially something that's so committed, like that's a very big commitment to make. But yeah, that does play a part in it. People would, I would say that there is people out there that do get into a relationship because their main motivator is marriage, no matter with who the person, right? Okay, so that sets up the expectations, right? One's expectations of what a relationship is like, but in terms of when we get into relationships and the behaviors that are, if we're talking about when we're actually in a couple, what makes the rewards, I guess, stable over time? So in other words, what maintains our self-esteem in a relationship? Again, if we look at a social influence context, right? And we're talking about saying that these are high satisfactory things, right? And experiencing these high satisfactory relationships. But you look at the norm, and again, this is where I bring in norm. And let's just say to maintain self-esteem, one of the things is, is you wanna know how your relationship is going. So we socially reflect. So if you're in this kind of group that portrays these bad characteristics, but they're okay, this is what's gonna influence your comparison level and what you expect, what you accept as good rewards and costs ratios and your level of deservingness. You look at other relationships and if they're performing at the same rate, you think, wow, that's how relationships are. But this is an issue in terms of where we set the bar. Where we set the bar. So to maintain self-esteem, all we need to do is look at one couple that's a bit worse than us and our self-esteem is maintained. So what I mean by that is the relationship self-esteem. So what I was saying before is you socially reflect. So you look at other relationships and see how we're going, right? You see one that's a bit better, so you feel good about yourself, right? And then that's fine. So that would suggest that you're not really gonna move to achieve higher, because if you're always just calm and sailing and then you just refer down to a relationship or relationships that are the same because of the social circles that you're around, well, this is gonna be the norm. This is what's gonna, in a sense, dictate your comparison level. Yep. Should we not be looking more from an internal side? Like you're talking about these things that we're getting from it. So like I mentioned love before, but you're wanting love from a relationship, right? That love, if you don't have that for yourself, that love you're getting from that person is feeling that void that you don't have for yourself. So if you have that love for yourself and you're complete and you're complete with everything else, that partner is just adding to it. Should we not be looking that and then to get all those other rewards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a valid point. And this is something that I'm gonna get to. I just wanna emphasize how influential the social circles that we are around are in this situation in terms of relationships. So how influential your friends' relationships are as reference points, how influential your friends are in terms of how you expect relationships to be, these sorts of things do come into play. And it's a very big factor in terms of predicting satisfaction in a relationship and stability over time. Because these are the things that set up your, again, comparison level, your understanding of rewards and costs in a relationship and what seems appropriate. Another thing that, and again, this is more of an individual level, like you were suggesting before, an internal level. Another thing that sets up our expectations and behaviors in relationships are attachment styles. So is anyone familiar with attachment styles? So I'm not sure if for the camera, this is gonna be really read well because my writing's terrible, so I do write small. But does anyone even see that? Yeah, all right, so I'll try to write bigger. So we've got attachment. Right, right, so we've got three things. We've got secure. Okay, you can't read that, can you? All right, I'm just gonna spitball it here. So we've got these attachment styles and the theory behind it is, is that we develop not to go into it too deep because it is a speech on its own. But again, these attachment styles influence our expectations and our behaviors within a relationship. And the theory is that the kind of relationship we experienced during infancy with our parents translates into our thoughts and our cognitions and our internal working model of what we believe intimate relationships should be like. So it seems kind of abstract, right? How can you compare your relationship with your mom from infancy to relationships, intimate relationships? And this is the thing, they specify intimate relationships. So here what we're talking about is heterosexual relationships. And there is support for that. So the attachment style that you've been given when you were younger is still evident in later years. So what are these attachment styles? Well, there's three, there's secure, there's avoidant and anxious. And they set up the expectations and behaviors that influence your satisfaction and longevity in a relationship or what you perceive good rewards in custody. Did you have a question? Sorry, could you mention the other two? Actually, it's all right if you write it down. Yeah. There's secure, there's... I've got it here, so I'll explain each of them individually. Beautiful, thank you. Yeah, yeah. So with that, we've got these three styles. The two problematic ones are avoidant and anxious. Now let's clarify what an avoidant attachment is. So keep in mind that this is how one may expect and behave in relationships based on this kind of a style of thinking that they have. So we'll look at... Well, first we'll look at avoidant attachment. So, avoidantly attached individuals tend to be compulsively self-reliant, denying any desire for love and support and terrified of dependence on others. All right, so that's an avoidant attachment style. Does that make sense? Yeah. So an avoidant attachment style is characterized by a lack of... So you can't depend on others. You have a crazy amount of self-overreliance. You can't trust others. You... I've lost my words. You can't find support from others. These are the things that you find difficult in relationships. And the reason is, is if you go back into the mother-childhood relationship, is your mom wasn't there a lot of the time. So that's just an example of that, of why that would be the case, of being an avoidant attachment style, right? Again, compulsively self-reliant, denying any desire for love. To some extent, this is the kind of attachment style that denies love in terms of doesn't even believe that the concept exists. And they find getting into relationships very difficult. What they're also characterized by is... Well, I'll give an example of some expectations. So first of all, I'll ask, if you are self-reliant, if you are self-reliant to that degree and you can't even be vulnerable, like you said before, how is that going to affect your expectations of relationships? So when your partner comes to you with a certain problem or an issue or something like that, you will be actually disturbed or annoyed by the fact that they're so reliant on you. And so that will negatively influence the rest of the relationship. Yeah. Anyone else? That was a really good example. You may also bottle up frustrations and occasionally lash out at that partner. And because you're not having that communication, you will make things worse and never really resolve them. Yeah. Having a lack of being able to give love. Yeah. Yeah, like give off yourself in a loving way. Yeah. And that's a good point as well, because these individuals feel that they can't give anything because in return they'll get nothing anyway. So what's the point? This is the whole thing. So you can see just the obvious fact that if you have that kind of an attachment style, how are you gonna get those rewards that we mentioned before? How's that gonna set up the rewards of a satisfactory relationship? And these people do get into relationships. Don't get me wrong. Like they're not totally averse. It's just that whether the relationship lasts. And I'll give an example of how these avoid an attachment can get triggered in a sense. What you need to understand is is that when you're getting to a relationship, there is this, I guess let's just call it for argument's sake, the honeymoon period, where you're getting to know the person. And these kinds of attachments aren't readily expressed. They're not relevant right now, right? And why is this? Because you're preoccupied with getting to know the person. It's a new, exciting experience, yes? Sorry? Yeah, so then, however, when costs become relevant, because when you're in a relationship, there's costs, like we just said before. Because you've invested, this is when your attachment style can really show in the relationship. So an example of, well one example is this, a girl had come to me and she had explained her situation. And I know both partners in the situation, but I didn't know that he was like this in the sense. So I can't obviously mention any names or anything. But what had happened was, was she started feeling like every time she spoke to him, or every time she woke up next to him, there was gonna be something that she did wrong and that he was gonna leave. And what had happened was, was there was an event, and it could have been perceived as major, that had kind of shown him that he couldn't trust her anymore. So that triggered his kind of style of attachment, right? This avoidant style. What I mean by that is, is what had happened is because this one incident had occurred where she may have not pulled her weight, he was like, nah, that's it. Every time something hit the fan or something seemed like a problem, he just walked away from it, right? Yep. The curiosity, these attachment styles, these three attachment styles, are they felt by the female as well? Or is it, do they have? Yeah, yeah, so they're male and female, yeah. Yeah, definitely. I just consider a male example to show because it is a male convention as well, yep. Okay, the, yeah, so the thing there was was, if she had said, yep, you're the problem, the relationship would have been over because he's avoidant, so he doesn't care. And what had happened was, was that she was feeding into this, to his needs and saying, yep, all right, I'll do whatever I can, I'll keep my mouth shut, just so he stays because it's very damaging to hear that someone wants to leave you without really any justification. If someone's just like, yep, that's it, I'm out of the door, you question that and you wonder and it's very hurtful for yourself as seen. So you could imagine that the relationship in that sense wasn't very successful. They ended up breaking up. So just quickly, again, another attachment style is the anxious style. So this is categorized, again, immature and over-dependent feelings and strong yearnings for love and support, so it's in a sense the opposite. And you can see how this can set up your expectations. You expect so much from someone in a relationship, right? That's your expectations. The behaviors in this sense, I'll give you a behavioral example of that. It's the relationship where, and this is in reference to another example that a real life situation, something had happened in the relationship that, again, the costs were there. So what happened was, the girlfriend had said that she opened up and she said that, you know, I've cheated on someone before. And they set off his anxiety in this sense about it because there's a cost there, you know? But logically, if you think about it, just because she cheated on one person doesn't mean she's gonna cheat on him, right? But that's the inference that he made. And it got to the point where his behaviors were checking her mail, checking, no, this is serious, checking her mail, checking her phone, worrying about where she was, all these things. And you could see that maybe this is a plausible thing because you'd be worried. You don't want to be cheated on, right? But is that satisfactory for the relationship? Okay, so I've been talking about, yeah, so questions or just another point that I can make. Yep, okay, so what else? I've been talking about all these negative things that's set up by expectations, right? But what's something that can promote a relationship or one of the crucial variables for satisfaction? And this is, again, related to self-esteem. And just to speed things up, I'll just state that it's similarity. And why is it similarity? Because similarities in terms of your values and beliefs, your goals in life, you want them to be reinforced and you want to be validated in some way. And this is what a partner can give you that's similar. They'll reinforce what you believe in and that increases your self-worth and self-esteem, you get approval and validation from that when someone's similar to you, right? And the reason I bring up this is it may be very obvious, but then there's this whole argument of opposites attracts or let's look at a complementary. But what a complementary will give you over relationship longevity is inconsistency in understanding of the specific values that you have. So, for example, let's take me in fitness. I was dating this girl a little while back and she just didn't understand health for me. It's a big part of my life, but I just couldn't see her being in a relationship. Yes, she was very attractive and that was fine, but it wasn't for relationship satisfaction and longevity. Right, it was infatuation, not necessarily love. But let's take the attachment examples back again. Similarities can't be everything because if we were similar in void and attachments, well then there would be no relationships out of that. If we were similar in anxious attachment, then there would be neurotic, fiery relationships that would probably end in some kind of, I don't know, murder maybe, who knows, some kind of situation like that. Well, yeah. So we can see that similarities aren't everything. So we look for relationship ideals and there's benchmark ideals and I wish I had time to just go over them with you, but let's just state a few. So honesty, loyalty, these sorts of things, right? If similarity is important and if an ideal is like that is important, if an ideal, let's say honesty is important for you and if we weigh up our relationships on costs and rewards, right, wouldn't it be fair to say that if you wanted that kind of ideal that you should be able to provide that as a reward as well to benefit the relationship. Isn't that a fair trade off? And again, because of if that's an ideal and you both possess that, again it reinforces the idea of similarity. Yeah, and this can be with anything. This can be with any kind of ideal that you want, whether it be your physical attraction. And I'm not saying that it's some, let's make genetic people that are the same physical attractiveness together or anything like that. It's what you're capable of controlling. So if you want someone that's fit, you better be fit as well, right? That's one thing to take away from that. So what do we see with this? We see with this as well, someone that pointed out with the self-esteem example, I mean the how we should internalize love and what we should be looking for, right? You mentioned before that there's this idea of, I'm just trying to think of your words that you chose and so I don't misinterpret it. But that we shouldn't be feeling a void and that's exactly right. If you admire honesty, but you don't possess it, you're feeling a void. This is something that you should be possessing first and working on yourself. If you want a securely attached person, and I know I didn't mention specifically, secure attachment, but I guess the name is pretty obvious. If this is something that you want, this is something that you should go after in yourself and then present that. Would anyone disagree with that? So we can see how all these factors relate to self-esteem. Again, the normative influences, the informational influences that we get from the groups of people that we hang around, yeah? They maintain our self-esteem. Like I mentioned before, you have a maintenance level, you look for other relationships and you think that's okay, right? Then you get your attachment styles. This directly is self-esteem base, right? As we mentioned with the examples, then you have your similarities. These things are gonna influence your self-esteem. Just to labor the word, this is what the relationship model is about. We're self-esteem hoarding individuals. This is what we live for to enhance our self-esteem. The best relationship will do that, right? And again, the ideals which can relate to the similarities. I hope this speech made sense and that's all the time I have. I know I've went over time and there's a lot more I could go on. But if anyone is unclear or I've made anything unclear, please do tell me and we can talk about it. I really do appreciate that you've listened and I do appreciate that you've taken over time for this speech as well. Thanks very much. Do one question. You really want it? You really want it? We'll see how quick it is. Thank you so much, mate. That pretty much spoke straight to me. With the attachment styles, I've recently got out of a four-year relationship and we were probably both anxious at the start and I'm just wondering in myself, I'm a pretty fitness orientated sort of bloke. I've been involved in sport for a very long time. You were a very quick yourself, yeah. That's fine. Now, I want to know whether I was an asshole because I ended the relationship. But she didn't have the same ideals as me. The costs, the rewards, the costs were being, were far outweighing the rewards and what did it for me in the end is because she wasn't taking, this is going to sound really bad, but I'm amongst men so it's okay. She wasn't taking care of her stuff. Fitness, her eating, her diet and that sort of stuff. And it was having a big impact on the relationship and it was making me avoidant, as you say. And I started out anxious and I became avoidant. Now, I'm wondering whether that is okay and okay reason to end the relationship. This is something that we'd have to talk about in terms of contextual things and how it actually happened. But I guess that's a very honest thing to say and thank you for sharing that with us. If it's something that's important to you and you can't see yourself be with the person for life, well, why put both of you through a relationship that's gonna be through turmoil and avoidant type behavior and stuff like that? You're doing yourself and her a big favor together. Thank you. All right, looks like we gotta wrap it up. Guys, Lucas.