 For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpen is music, yours truly Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Bill Harris. Alice's brother, William, called a little while ago to tell Phil and Alice that he's coming over with some important news for them. As we look in, he is just arriving. Good morning, everybody. Now, bless my little liver, Phil, if it isn't Brother Carter. Good morning, Willie. What's this important news you have for us? I went down to the Red Cross and made a donation. You donated something? Yes. I gave a pint of my blood. Oh, well, I knew it couldn't have been money. Look, Willie, let me tell you something. You can't afford to be given any blood. You've got barely enough to get by on. You don't look too strong, you know. I'm plenty strong now. I'll admit, when I was a child, I was sickly. In fact, when I was 16, the doctor said I wouldn't live. Well, it was nice of you not to make a liar out of. Philip, I did live. Well, prove it. Blink your eyes a little, breed now on that. Philip, don't be facetious. I happen to have an unusual physique. You should see me stripped. I look... Please, Willie, I just ate. You're the skinniest guy I've ever seen. Now, Philip, he's not that skinny. Oh, no, if you don't stand in just the right position when he's taking a shower, he don't get wet. Don't kid him, Phil. He did a very noble thing donating to the blood bank. Yeah, yeah, I know. I know he did. Hey, I'm sorry, Willie, because I'm really proud of you, kid. They need blood now, and everybody should go down and give some. I knew you felt that way about it, Philip, so I pledged a pint of yours. Well, I think it's mine. What do you mean by giving my blood away like that? That stuff don't grow on trees, you know? Phil, they need your blood. They needed? What am I supposed to use? Borscht? I'm a little anemic right now myself, dear. And if they take my blood away, well... Well, I won't be able to face my barber. Well, what's your barber got to do with it? Well, it'll be embarrassing if it cuts me while he's shaving and nothing comes out. Philip, you're not anemic. I made an appointment for you at the Red Cross for this afternoon, and you'd better be there. Well, I'd love to help. Hey, tell me, Willie, there's a hurt much? Of course not. There's nothing to it. Well, how's it affect you after? There's no after effect. I just had it done and look at me. That bad, huh? Phil, stop being such a sissy. It's perfectly harmless. You know, most of the people who go for the first time keep coming back every three months. You mean this can get to be habit for me? It's a good thing for you to make a habit of. Well, I've already got one habit. I mean other than that. I have one habit, honey, biting my nails, and I've been doing it so long I hate to give it up and break in a new gimmick. It just don't... Oh, all right, you big jellyfish. Now look, Phillip, I made an appointment for you at four o'clock today and I expect you to show up. All right, did you say four o'clock? Uh-uh, couldn't possibly make it at four. It's tea time, you know. Queen Elizabeth would hate me if I missed my tea in Trumpets. They give you tea down there. Any other excuses? Well, I can't think of any offhand but... Then you'll go. It's a vital goal. But if anything happens to me, it's going to be your fault, Willie. And I'm warning you, if I die, I'll never talk to you again as long as I live. Now, Phil, nothing's going to happen to you and it's your patriotic duty to do it. Yeah, I guess you're right. And it's everybody's duty. Well, I'll not only go, but I'll get everybody I know to go down, too. Hey, wait a minute, I'll get to that. Hiya, Curly. Oh, Francis, hi, Frankie. You're just the guy I wanted to see. I know you can't see me, but I'm looking at you. Look, Francis, uh, you'd like to do something for your country, wouldn't you? Why should I? What a lower Slobovy ever do for me. I'm not talking about your fatherland. I'm talking about the country you were smuggled into, America. Oh, that's different. What do you want me to do? Well, I've got it all fixed. I've arranged for you to do something very patriotic. If you had me drafted, I'll punch you right in the nose. Frankie, I wouldn't do that to any country. All I want you to do is to come down to the Red Cross with me because they're calling for donors and, uh, well, uh, I'm going to donate a pint and, uh, I want you to give a pint. Okay. I'll give bourbon. What are you going to give him? I'm going to give blood. Why didn't I think of that? It's cheaper than bourbon. Well, you keep quiet a minute because I'm serious. The Red Cross needs blood donors. And I want you to come down with me today and give some. Well, I'd like to, but I... I can't. What's the matter, kid? Are you scared? No, it's not that. Frightened, huh? No, that's not it either. You're yellow. That's it. Well, I know how you feel. Confidentially, I'm a little afraid myself, but look, Remli, we ought to do it. Well, you think so, okay. Certainly. They need good red blood like ours. Oh, red blood? In that case, I couldn't use mine. Your blood ain't red? No, it's sort of a forest green. Don't worry, they'll take it anyway. But, Curly, it's green. Well, tell them it ain't ripe yet. You're going to go down with me now and don't argue. Can't we put it off till some other time? No, we can't. That's your big fault, Remli. You're always procrastinating. Pracinating. You have to do something, do it. That's the trouble with people. There's them that doesn't, them that don't, and them that says they will but won't. So if Satan tempts you, hold on tight because you can't do wrong doing right. There's them that shall, and them that chant, and them that wish they could but can't. But it's them that does that seize the like because you can't do wrong doing right. Look at that gal Delilah. She had them all in a spin. She clipped the mighty Samson, but she got caught when the house fell in. And so you see, there's got to be just one road for you and me, let old Satan know he lost the fight because you can't do wrong doing right. You got to do right. Well, make me know. Yes, you got to do right. Oh, keep it free. If you want to see the light. Oh, hallelujah. Because you can't do wrong when you're doing right. Well, there's them that's good, and them that's mean, and them that's somewhere in between, but it looks to me from what I've seen that you can't do wrong doing right. There's them that's meek, and them that's bold. Now, don't ask me, but I've been told it's the meek that plays them harps of gold because you can't do wrong doing right. Now, look at old big guy bragging about his style, picking on little David, but he got hit right between the eyes. So you see, there's got to be just one road for you and me, let old Satan know he lost the fight because you can't do wrong doing right. You mustn't do wrong. Well, that's right with me. No, you mustn't do wrong. That's philosophy. If you want to get along. Oh, I believe it now. Because you'll never get along if you're doing wrong. Now, they threw Daniel to the line. The king had it done. He's the law, but it wasn't long till Daniel had all of them cats drinking milk out of straw. And so you see, there's got to be just one road for you and me, let old Satan know he lost the fight because you can't do wrong doing right. You can't do wrong doing right. Because you can't do wrong when you're doing what is wrong. Song make you feel better? Not particularly. I'm still worried. Remly, I tell you there's nothing to worry about. Willie said it's very simple. Now buck up and be a man. Conquer your fear like I'm doing. We're going through with this thing and we're going to... Phil! Yes? It's three o'clock, dear. It's time to go. Already? Well, don't just stand there, Remly. Think of some way we can get out of there. Believe me, I'm thinking. Hello, Frankie. Hi, Alice. Are you going to the blood bank with Phil? Uh... Well, I'd like to, but I can't. You wouldn't expect me to give blood on my wedding day. Your wedding day? Frankie, whom are you marrying? Me, come Francis, dear. Let's leave for the church. Of course such babies as you two. Oh, but honey, are you sure that they want our blood? Of course they do. You're two strong healthy specimens. Now it would be different if you were sick than they wouldn't take it from you. They don't take it from you if you're sick, huh? No, but you are not sick. What's the matter with you? It's my armpits again. Suffer. Remly, step aside and let a man in there who knows how to suffer. Please, you just sang one song. Singing, I'm in pain. You got sick very suddenly, didn't you, Phil? What's wrong with you? Well, I got, um... I got chicken pox, and I could prove it. Brother, now I've heard everything. Now you haven't. Where do you hear what I got? Is das nicht dein Schnitzelbaum? Ja, das ist dein Schnitzelbaum. Schnitzelbaum, Schnitzelbaum, Schnitzelbaum. Now what's that? German measles. Absolutely painless. I'm going down and give a pint of blood myself. While you're there, give a pint for me. Throw in a magnum for me, Alice. We're too feeble to go. Now, there's nothing wrong with you physically. Your feebleness is all in your mind. Now, come on, let's get down to the Red Cross. The blood bank is on this block someplace. Oh, fellas, come on, stop lagging behind. It's five minutes to four. We're coming, Alice, as fast as our gout-ridden legs will carry. Curly, we're getting awful close. Can't you think of something? I'm trying, I'm trying. All right, fellas, here we are. Let's go in. Look, Alice, I'm afraid this is going to hurt. My little body won't stand. Well, will you please stop it? Let me explain how simple this is going to be. First, you fill out a form. Then they give you an examination. After that, they take your blood, give you a drink, and you go home. I don't care if they... Drink? Well, this place is starting to look up a little bit. What do you have, Rem? Let's go to the bar and see what they got. It's necessary because here comes the guy in a white coat, right? Oh, bartender, uh... Make me an old-fashioned with soda. I am not a bartender, I'm a doctor. Okay, then make it with Robin alcohol. A doctor, I hope you'll forgive my husband. You see, he was told you serve drinks here. Oh, we do. We pass around some motto juice, orange juice, tea, milk. Please, Doc, you're making me nauseous. A doctor, we're here as donors. Oh, that's very nice of you people. We appreciate your coming, Doc. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now look, Doc, take it now and let's get it over with. Not so fast, sir. First you'll have to fill out these donor registration cards. I'll be back for them in a minute. Look, Alice, can't we call the whole thing off? Yeah, I'll begin to lose my nerve. Nonsense. Let's fill the cards out. I'll tell you what, while we're doing it, I'll cheer you up. Curly, is she gonna...? Yes, she is. So you might as well get out your long-necked Vega and start to accompany her. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're cozy and clinging. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a bell, I'd be ringing. From the moment we kissed tonight, that's the way I just got to behave. Boy, if I were a lamp, I'd light. Or if I were a banner, I'd wave. Ask me how do I feel? Little me with my quiet upbringing. Well, sir, all I can say is if I were a gate, I'd be swinging. And if I were a watch, I'd start popping my spring boy. Or if I were a bell, I'd go ding, dong, ding, dong, ding. All we can say is if we were a bridge, we'd be playing. Yes, I knew my morale would crack. You gotta be careful. From the wonderful way that it looks. Bye! If I were a duck, I'd crack. Or if I were a goose, I'd be cooked. Ask me how do I feel? Ask me now that we're fondly caressing. Wonderful, isn't it? Oh, if I were a salad, I'd just know I'd be splashing my dressing. Or if I were a season, I'd surely be spring, I'd go. I don't understand your wife. You don't know? Well, why? Everybody else is sitting around bleeding and she's singing. Well, Ramley, you know how women are. They don't know enough. Well, folks, did you fill out your cards? Yeah, yeah, we fill them out. Here you are, Doc. Glad to have been of service to the Red Cross. Anytime you need me again, just call me. So long, if you follow my instructions, you'll be on your feet no time. Come back here! This is just the first step. Now, let me see. Yes, your cards are all in order. Now, I'll take a sample of your blood, Mr. Harris. What do you need a sample for? What are you gonna do? Send a salesman on a road with it? We need a sample to determine your type. Now, give me a hand. Now, just prick your finger with this needle and take a drop. Do it with my first wife. I mean, do it with my wife first. Here's my finger. Thank you. Just hold it steady. Yeah, it's all over. You see, Phil? I didn't even feel it. See, it's that simple, huh? Hey. Hey, nothing good. Here's my finger, Doc. Shoot the works. Take two drops. Alright, hold still. There. Oh! Doctor, you pulled a knife on me. I'd like to, but we need you. Mr. Remley, let me have your finger. Doctor, I don't think I... Hold still. There. Mother, take it easy. I'll be right back as soon as I have this blood type. I had to be a doctor. I should have listened to my father and been a licensed plumber. Phil, I never saw such a disgusting display of cowardice. I am not a coward. It's just that us musicians are sensitive souls. That's right. Look, Curly, I can't stand any more of this torture. I'm going home. Me too. You're not going anyplace, Phil. You came down to give a pint of blood, and you're going to give it. What's she after, Curly? Your insurance money? I don't know. But I guess we're going to have to go through with this. Remley, there's no way out. Would you people care for something to drink? We have tomato juice, orange juice, milk, or tea? No, lady. Thanks. Look, we've got enough trouble. Wait a minute, Curly. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. Come here. What are you talking about? Come here. I don't know about juice from the lady. Listen. What do you want? I think I know a way we won't have to give them our blood. What are we going to give them? What does tomato juice look like? Well, it's red, and it looks like blood. Oh, yeah. Hey, Remley. Huh? The next time that gal goes by, you cop two cups of tomato juice. When she passes me, I'll lift two cups of it. Orange juice, tomato juice, hot tea? Yeah. I got them, Curly. Good. I'm keeping behind you so nobody will see. Okay. Hey, reach in back of you. I'll slip you one. Got it. Well, Mr. Harris, I just typed your blood, and it's okay. Now, if you'll follow me into the donor's room. I ain't going to be necessary, Doc. While I was waiting for you, I thought I'd save you a little time, so I took my own blood out. You took your own? Yes, sir. Here you are, Doc, a whole cupful of this stuff. Pretty, ain't it? Honest, Doctor, did you ever see blood as rich as that before? No, I haven't. First time I've seen yellow blood with pits in it. Pits? How about with your heisted orange juice? What are you kicking about? I got hot tea with a bag in it. Busy man. So if you brownies are through playing, let's get on. What type of blood do I have, Doctor? Well, you're type A, Mrs. Harris. How about me? You're type O, Mr. Harris. What type's my blood, Doc? That we haven't been able to figure out. We've put it through every test known to medical science, and the results are a little startling. What do you mean? Well, your type of blood is found only in prehistoric monsters. Are there any Neanderthal men in your family? No, but he's got an ad who looks like a dinosaur. Fairly pleased. That's no way to talk about my ad brontosaurus. Doctor, what's wrong with my blood? Well, for one thing, it's not liquid. It has the consistency of well-chewed bubble gum. No wonder every time I cut myself there's a loud pop. Well, I guess in that case, you won't be able to use my blood, will you, Doc? We'll take it. We'll find some use for it. Now, you folks wait right here. I'll send one of my assistants in to take your blood. Thank you, Doctor. Now, fellas, you stay right here. I'm going over to get some juice. Won't work. We tried it. Oh, how two grown men can act like such men. Hiya, Miss Faith. Oh, hello, Julian. What are you doing here? I help out in my spare time. I pour the juices they pass out. What are you doing here? Well, I came down to be a donor. I brought Mr. Harrison and Mr. Remly down, too. Oh, you brought them to the wrong place. This is where we take it, not give it. Where are they? Right over there. They're waiting for the doctor's assistant to take their blood. Oh, I better go over to welcome them. Excuse me. Oh, what an opportunity. Hiya, fellas. Hey, it's old Julius. What are you doing here, kid? Uh, Mr.... You're the assistant. Come on, Remly. Let's get out of here. We came down to give our blood. I'll be glad to. I want this done the right way. Yeah, now should I roll up my sleeve so you can take it from my arm? Don't play with me. Besides, we ain't going to let you do it. Okay, we do it ourselves. Well, that sounds a little better. Now, how do we do this? It's simple. Here's a sharp razor and a five-gallon can. Five-gallon can? Yes, Julius. How's this really done? You have nothing to worry about, fellas. It's done very scientifically. I take your blood the same way to get sap from a maple tree. You mean? Remly, we got to do our share. One little spiky. That ain't gonna... I'm willing to do my share, but I ain't gonna let this little leech touch me. There's other ways you can help out, Mr. Remly. I can get you a job here as a model. A model at a blood bank? Yeah. You stand next to the donor while we're taking his blood. And when the guy begins to look like you, we know we've taken too much. Well, this kid has got to go. Let's finish him off right now. All right, really, all right. Let's don't rush into it. Let's take our time and think of a nice gruesome way to put him out. Don't be in a hurry. All right, fellas. I was only kidding. I don't take the blood the doctor does. And he's a wonderful doctor. He has a way of doing a scene. I don't even feel it. Okay, that's better. Now, call the doctor. Okay. That does it. Grab him. Get a hold of him. All right, go to him. Just live around until we get a vital spot. I can't finger out of his ear. I was only going to bowl him down the corridor. Well, you've got to be ashamed of yourself scaring this poor child. Yeah, poor little me. I'll see you later, Miss Faye. All right, folks. We're ready for you now. Just follow me, please. Come on, boys. Well, I guess this is it, Remly. Yeah. Well, if we have to go, let's go out like men with a smile on our faces and a song on our lips. What are we saying, Curly? How about the thing? I might as well get in one last plug as I was walking into the room to give our blood away. We see a big fat doctor there. Fellas, it's all over and there was nothing to it, was there? No. It was a cinch. You know those doctors are pretty clever. You don't feel a thing. How do you feel, Remly? Great. Just think, Curly, I gave a whole pint of my blood to help somebody else. I'm quite a guy. Well, I gave a pint, too, you know, and I'm just as proud of it as you are. Hey, Alice, you don't know what it feels like to give part of you to somebody else. I also gave a pint. Yeah, but that's women's blood. That don't count. And just think, Curly, today we gave our blood and tomorrow they'll be using it to help a couple of soldiers. Or they might give it to two little kids who need it. Yeah. Hey, Rem. Huh? I can just see those two little kids walking along with our blood in them. The same blood that flows through our... Hey, Remly. What? You think we did the right thing? Those kids are young. They'll outgrow it. This is Phil again. And seriously, Red Cross supplies of blood are dangerously low. To donate your blood is completely painless. Some of the guys in my own band, I'm proud to say have donated as many as 12 to 16 times. So go to your nearest Red Cross blood bank this week. All your life, you'll be proud you did. Good night, everybody. Good night, everybody. Now enjoy Head of Hopper, then it's Anne Baxter in Theater Guild on NBC.