 Our CA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. This enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Ruse, and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Forman. Tonight, two good friends are celebrating their fifth anniversary. Who are they? Well, here are some clues. After five years, they're still in a spin. They were made for each other. And together, they make beautiful music. Give up? Both in the RCA family. I guess you know that our friends are a 45 record and a Victrola 45 phonograph. Five years ago, RCA Victor introduced the now-famous 45 system of recorded music. Since then, 3 million Victrola 45 phonographs have been sold and over 70 million RCA Victor 45 records. This widespread popularity is richly deserved because this 45 system gives you a record and a phonograph especially designed for each other. The result? You can enjoy almost two hours of continuous music at its brilliant best. And thanks to the 45 extended play record, you can enjoy twice as much music for less money. A visit to your dealer will convince you that the RCA Victor 45 system on its fifth anniversary is now a better buy than ever. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Well, summer finally arrived as usual and everybody's vacation minded, including Phil Harris and Alice Faye. With most people, this is the time of year when people are filled with joyous anticipation, a happy time. But not so in the Harris household. In fact, right now, a small argument is gaining momentum. Phil, I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. Yeah, I know you said it before. I know, I know. Well, I mean it, Phil. You and I are entitled to have one vacation alone, all by ourselves. Alice, why are you being so selfish? I'm not being selfish. Besides, traveling is for adults. It just isn't appreciated by a 12-year-old mentality. But Alice, Elliot is my best friend. Alice, why do you always pick on? Phil, I'm not picking on Elliot. Every woman's husband has a guy he likes to pal around with. But you overdo it. In what way? In what way? I'll tell you. When you were courting me, who was always cluttering out my living room? Elliot Lewis. When we went on a picnic, who tagged along? Elliot Lewis. When you and I got married, who did I stumble over in the church? Elliot Lewis. And after the ceremony, who was the flower girl we found in our honeymoon suite? Well, you've got to admit, he looked pretty cute in his little white pinafore. What a picture he made. Standing there in these bobby socks and holding that bouquet. I thought he was smelling them flowers till I heard them gurgle. Well, I know you were very fond of Elliot, but just cross him off the list for our vacation this year. I'd like to go to Lake Tahoe and alone for once. Oh, wait a minute. Alice, don't be too hasty. He's your friend, too. Now, think back, honey. Think back. Tall and good times we had together. Do you remember how we met Elliot for the first time? Yes, I remember, Phil. It was on one of our first dates. We were coming back from doing a benefit at Santa Barbara. Yeah. Yeah. I'll never forget it. It was the first time that I'd ever been on the bill with a big star like you. We were driving along, just you and me. And I was trying to figure out a way to get better acquainted with you. G. Miss Fay, it was nice of you to drive home with me from the benefit. Well, it's such a nice evening. Yeah. I thought it'd be kind of a good chance for us to get acquainted. Hey, that reminds me. Would you like to play a little game that helps people get acquainted? Sure. OK. Now, now look, I'll say a word. And no matter what word I say, then you say a word that it reminds you of, huh? OK. Ready? Mm-hmm. Here's the first word. Boy. Girl. Alone. Together. Moonlight. Romance. Oh, this is going to be too easy. Now, look. Here's the next word, and it's the most important. Ready? Mm-hmm. Kiss. Mother. Don't you kiss your mother? Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. OK, now let's try it again. Hug. Embrace. Now you're catching on. Arms. Entwined. Mother. McCree. Could I left something out of this game? There was a lot more action to it. The night Marjorie Mayne worked it on me. It was a lucky thing you were on that benefit tonight. You were fine as Sir Gallowhead. Hey, thank you. That was a good actor, huh? I was certainly glad that a leading man couldn't get there. You probably won't believe it, but I never did no acting before. I love playing the part of Gallowhead. Look, Miss Fay, why don't we take the love scene over again while we're riding along? You know, the one where you play Lady Guinevere. Is that her name? Guinevere? I guess so. Guinevere. I told him to spell it phonetically. Honey, will you play the part again of Lady Guinevere because I've got that part memorized. Well, well, and it'll pass a little time. Yeah. Ah, Gallowhead. How fortunate is the woman who gains thy favor. Look at that guy. He's out in the middle of the highway waving his thumb. Oh, I'm glad you didn't hit him. You'd better pick him up, Philly. He looks tired. Oh, okay. Maybe he's not going very far, I hope. Hey, uh, would you like a ride, buddy? Gee, yeah, thanks. I'm in a hurry to get to Hollywood. I'd sure be grateful if you'd take me. Yeah, yeah, okay. Get in. Gee, yeah, thanks. I'll be right back. Now, don't mind me, folks. You two just go right ahead with whatever you were talking about. Ah, Gallowhead. Let me hear from your lips. The tale of your brave exploits. I fear that thou will think my story fanciful. My way to your castle was beset by many dangers. With my fateful crossbow, I slew a thing. With my fateful crossbow, I slew a three-headed dragon breathing sheets of flame from every natural. What do we have at the next corner? You've got a worse hangover than I have. And another thing, Mac, who painted all them clever sands all over this jalopy? I painted them. I painted the signs. I painted them. What's wrong with them? Oh, they are real jazzy. And I went painted on the backs of real gasser. We don't go fast. We don't go slow. Let's park a while in Vodio. Oh, boy, are you a cornball? Hey, that's not good. But I couldn't help laughing. That's the funniest thing that's happened since last week when I went to a dance with my water pistol and squirted chicken fat all over Lawrence Welk. Get down. I'm in a hurry to get to Hollywood. Why is such a hurry to get there? Well, I'll tell you, Miss Fay. I'm a musician. I'm looking for a job. I got a great act. I'm a one-man band. Oh? You know, I've never seen a one-man band. What do you do? Oh, it's fantastic. Brass cymbals to my knees. I strap a bongo drum to my chest. I hold a washboard under my chin. I've got a ukulele on my left elbow, a tambourine on my right elbow, two cowbells hanging on my ears. Then I strum a guitar and play a kazoo on my bare feet with my pants rolled up. In your bare feet with your pants rolled up? Yeah. While I'm playing, I crush a few grapes. Last year, I won the Tennessee Ernie Award. Oh! I'll give you an example of my kazoo playing right now. Listen. A one, and a two, and... And he don't like the signs on my car. I remember very well how we met Elliot. How could I forget? He's been around here ever since. Yeah. I want to sign, though, but you've got to admit that he's such a thoughtful guy. Never forgets a birthday or any sentimental occasion. Let me ask you something. You remember our first Valentine's Day together? He didn't forget it. No. I remember that Valentine's Day. When we got up in the morning, there he was. Passed out on our front lawn. Yeah, but he was laying there in the shape of a heart. Let me ask you something else. How about that beautiful Valentine present that he bought you? That five-pound box of chocolates. With the brandy centers. Ooh, they were delicious. Yeah. Drained. But delicious. I'll say that Elliot is not going to clutter up this year's vacation for us. As long as we've been married, he's been just like your shadow. But, honey, after we were married, Elliot didn't have any place to live. We just had to take him in. I know. I'll never forget the next day after we were married. I was going to cook you the greatest wedding breakfast that had ever been cooked. I was waiting for you to come down. A bowl of bourbon, a sandwich. Good morning, sweetheart. What are we going to have for breakfast? Oh, well, you see, darling. Now I'll just have everything ready in a jiffy. I'll get this stuff out of the refrigerator. Honey. Honey, what happened? Look at this. The refrigerator is empty. I put a dozen eggs, a half a pound of butter, and a pound of bacon in here last night. What could have happened to that much food? Elliot! Good morning, folks. How are the two little newly wed? Now, don't give me that. Did you eat a dozen eggs, a half a pound of butter, and a pound of bacon? Yeah. Gee, Curly, I'm sorry I ate all that stuff, but I was hungry. Okay, okay, okay. I guess it's all... Hey, wait a minute. Where'd you get all them scratches on your face? From the cat. I never fought so hard for a saucer of milk in my life. Come on, come on, come on. Gee, what a grog. Will you stop? Okay, something, Elliot. This eating bit can go too far. Now, look, I don't mind earning the money to support my little wife here, but I am not sure that I can afford a border with such a high-class taste as you have. Last night, you got him to the pantry cupboard and ate a jar of imported dates, some caviar, some English mincemeat, a whole jar of Chinese ginger. Look, the next thing I know, you're liable to call up the store and order 10 pounds of Egyptian turtle eggs. That's good, Curly. Egyptian turtle eggs. That's good. Anybody home, eggs? What? I can't understand. Hi, Julius. Hey, this is Julius Brucio, Alice. He's been my grocery boy for a long time. Hey, Julius, this is my new bride. This is Miss Alice Faye. I know Miss Faye. I've got to see all the pitches. God, I miss the Harris. He's pretty lucky to marry you. Well, I feel I'm pretty lucky to marry him. He's such a popular man. And one of the few handsome, really eligible bachelors left. Oh, then you read his ad. Julius. Oh, ladies, this guy was known as... Brucio, I'm glad to hear all these things about Curly. I just met him, and I don't know him very well. Keep it that way. No, he didn't. Oh, naturally, he didn't tell you because he's shy. And he just won't talk about himself. He won't? Sure, important naval job. And he finally door and charge a tactical logistic oceanography. Gosh, what did he do? When the tide rolled in, he stood on the beach and he... He sure topped you. Well, I'm going to show you something that will make you laugh on the other side of your face. Take a look at this. It's the grocery bill. $19.80 for two days, and it's mostly on account of you and that appetite. Curly, it isn't just me. I haven't told you before, but... I'm eating for two now. That's right. Me and my kazoo. Phil, you've got to admit, I've never been stubborn about anything before, honey, but this time I insist that we go on our vacation alone. I just know how it'll be if it... Hello, everybody. Oh, hello, Dad. Oh, hi, Dad. Hey, uh, Allison. Now, let's just put the question to my father. Is that all right with you? Okay. Hey, Dad, um, you've been married a long time. You can say that again, John. Well, look, Dad, let me ask you something. Now, listen closely. If your wife was going to go on a vacation to Lake Tahoe and wanted to take an old friend with her, would you let her do it? No, sure. If he promised he'd never bring her back. You know I don't mean that, John. Your mother is a wonderful woman. And we have the perfect system for a happy marriage. No matter what happens during the day to upset us every night before we go to sleep, we shake hands. That's nice. Yes, and when the bell rings in the morning, we come out fighting. Look, Dad, you can't fool me. You've been using this routine since you played the old Keith circuit. Now, look, Allison and I are going on our vacation up to Lake Tahoe, and I'd kind of like to take Elliot with me because, well, we can fish and play golf together, but Allison says, no, no, no, he can't go, he can't go. Now, whatever you do, I wouldn't leave him here at your house while you're going. Now, wait a second, Dad, just a minute. If Elliot ain't anything else, he's honest. Well, that's what I used to think about your Aunt Matilda. You don't mean to say that Aunt Matilda was crooked. Like a snake with a crown. Well, that sweet old lady fooled everybody. I can still see her standing there with her silver in her hair and the store detectives taking it out one fork at a time. Where are you going up to Lake Tahoe? Well, I've always wanted to stay at a place called the Cal Neva Lodge. My vaudeville show played at Lake Tahoe years ago, but they didn't have any high-class hotels like that in those days. Oh, where'd you stay? Well, they were just a little place and they were kind of sorry they took us in. And they didn't know we had an animal act in the show. Those animals got into more mischief. You mean the animals got loose in the hotel? Yeah. And the elephant and the giraffe were sure having a lot of fun. First, the giraffe had stopped in front of a room and he'd look over the transom, then he'd lean down and whisper in the elephants' ear, and then the elephant had laughed. Well, I sure hope you have a good time up at Lake Tahoe. Bye. Let's not go through it again. I surrender. We'll go to Tahoe alone. No, Elliot. All right, Phil. And he's coming up the front walk now, so you may as well tell him and get it off your chest. Okay, I'll tell him. I'll tell him. Hi, Curly. Elliot, sit down. Don't say another word, Curly. I know what you're going to say. I should have known up a fork from the little hints I've heard around here. I've been a burden to you, tagging along with you and Alice on your vacations. Spoiling your fun. I was selfish. I just wanted to be close to you because I love you so much. Elliot, don't stop me. You know what I did to make up for everything here? You know what's in this envelope? I knew you wanted to go to the Calnevalodge, so here's reservations to the Royal Suite. Take them. Take them. And I hope you have a wonderful time. Hey, honey, wasn't it wonderful and thoughtful of Elliot to get us this beautiful suite here at the lodge? Just look at it. Isn't it beautiful? No, yes, Phil. It's just lovely. You can see the entire lake from our window. But I don't know, somehow I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. Well, honey, no worry. Maybe we have to get used to the altitude. Hey, Alice, look at here at these little things. See what I was trying to tell you now? Elliot, now look, wasn't it thoughtful of Elliot to get the management to put a piano in here and a record player just for us? Yes, Phil. And look at the wallpaper in this suite. It's such a gay pattern. It's so much like you. Musical notes, trumpets, drums, violin. Yeah. Elliot had him do that, too. Just because he wanted us to feel happy and... and cheerful when we woke up the morning. That's why. Look, Phil, look over here. Isn't this strange? Oh, what? This big lump in the wallpaper. Yeah, what do you suppose it is? Elliot! Hurley! Well, we'll be back in just a moment. Enjoy the magic of cool, quiet, vacation fresh air right in your own home this summer with the RCA air conditioner. Here is America's finest air conditioner, brought to you by the great name of RCA and offering these famous RCA features. The wonderful RCA heart of cold compressor for top cooling capacity. The ingenious RCA hushabye fans that push cool air gently and softly through your room. The amazing RCA climate tuner with push button controls that let you choose the kind of indoor weather you want and the thermostat that keeps room comfort at a constant, even level. And the new RCA air conditioners are equipped with permanent type aluminum mesh filters built to last the life of the unit. So choose an RCA air conditioner now. And when you do, get an RCA factory service contract too. America's finest air conditioner deserves America's finest service. Hi folks, it's Phil again. Ladies and gentlemen, for the past four years, Alice and I have been on the air for RCA Victor. But tonight we are terminating that happy association with this show. So at this time I'd like to thank RCA and everybody for being so nice to us. Our producer, our writers, the band, sound men, technicians and all the rest of our swell gang. Good night and we'll see you all again next fall. Good night everybody. As this is the last show of the present series, I have a special message for Alice and Phil. The folks at RCA Victor want you to know that they've really enjoyed working with you and think you're the nicest couple they've ever met. So to Alice, Faye and Phil Harris, it's best wishes and good luck from the folks at RCA Victor. Next week, same time, same station, RCA Victor presents Pericomo in a star studded review featuring the greatest in radio of the last 35 years. Don't miss it. RCA Victor 45 extended play gives you twice as much music for what you pay recorded music of the highest quality on RCA Victor 45 EP. So whenever you buy records always say give me RCA Victor 45 extended play. RCA Victor 45 extended play records give you more music for less money than any other type of record. Twice as much music as the biggest old style record and you save almost half. It's like getting an extra record free. RCA Victor 45 EP gives you up to 16 minutes of music on one 7-inch nonbreakable record. Opera, classics, semi-classics and pops, all on RCA Victor 45 extended play. So whenever you buy records always say give me RCA Victor 45 extended play. NBC Radio Network presents it. Can You Top This follows W.W. Chaplin and the news tonight on the NBC Radio Network.