 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. Gentle tobacco, smooth tobacco, tobacco that's deeply enjoyable to smoke, puff after puff. That's Lucky Strike tobacco. Yes, friends, at the tobacco auction, Lucky Strike buys truly fine tobacco and pays millions of dollars more than official parity prices to get it. And you are the reason Lucky's are so particular to get fine, ripe, mild tobacco. For it takes fine tobacco to give you a fine cigarette. And L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. The kind of tobacco you smoke with deep down enjoyment. For it's mellow, mild, from first puff to last. Yes, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky. Surely you want all the enjoyment you can get from a cigarette. So why not smoke the smoke that's famous for fine tobacco? For enjoyment, for taste, for mildness, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Yes, make your next carton Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, on last week's program, everybody made so many mistakes in reading their lines that Jack felt it was necessary to call a special meeting. At the moment, we find the cast assembled in Jack's living room. Now look, kid, I want you to take what I'm going to say in the spirit in which it's given. I'm not angry, I'm not upset, but I did feel it was necessary to call this meeting. All right, Jack, what's the meeting about? Yeah, let's get it over with, huh? Well, Phil, as I said before, I'm not angry. But on last week's program, I never heard so much. Dennis, Dennis, you're not paying attention. Get away from that fishbowl. Well, last time I looked in this bowl, there were only two goldfishes. I know, I know. Now, kid... How come there are three of them now? Because the first two fell in love and got married, that's why. Now, kid... But they just got married while they take in a border. Look, if they didn't take in a border, the little one is a baby. Oh, yeah, the one on the right is the mother. No, no, Dennis, the one on the right is the father. He could have fooled me. Dennis, will you do me a favor? Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack, you call us over here for a meeting, so let's get on with it. Yes, Jack, tell us what's on your mind. I'm trying to. I call this meeting to find out why there were so many mistakes made on last week's broadcast. All right, so we made a few mistakes. Is that a reason for you to get mad? I told you, I'm not mad. Let me just write, Jackson, you're burned up and you know it. I'm not burned up. Jack, there's no reason for you to get so upset. Upset? What makes you think I'm upset? You look like a football coach whose team has to play Notre Dame. All right, you kids can have your little joke. And one couldn't be a star of my magnitude without being able to take a few jibes from his underlings. But, as I said before, I'm not mad. All I want to do... There's too many. What do you want now? Are you sure the one on the left is the mother? Yes, Dennis, the one on the left is the mother. The one on the right is prettier. All right, all right, so the father is prettier than the mother. Well, that doesn't make sense. Sure it does, kid. Take me an hour. Phil, be quiet. Okay, Jackson, okay, I'd like to get this meeting over anyway. What kind of mistakes did we make last week? Well, for one thing, Phil, you don't even know how to speak the English language. If a word has over two syllables, you don't even know what it means. I may not know what it means, Jackson, but when I speak, I have perfect diction. Phil, as long as you brought that up, I've got news for you. I've heard better diction coming out of the exhaust pipe of a greyhound butt. Believe me, Phil, the only thing that sounds worse than Harris the Speaker is Harris the Musician. Hold it, Jackson. Hold it. It may interest you to know that I just got an offer to make a guest appearance with Arturo Toscanini. You? You got an offer from Toscanini? Yes, he wants me to be first whip snapper when he plays new friends. Well, that you can do, I know. Jack, if you're just going to ball out, Phil, why did you call the rest of us? Because you all made mistakes last week. Wait a minute, Jackson. That didn't make no mistake. Oh, you didn't, eh? Rochester. Yes, boss. Open the phonograph and play that record of last week's program. Okay. Now, put the needle where I told you to put... Could you cut your coup, baby? Could you cut your coup? Dennis, get your hand out of that fist ball. Anyway, you're tickling the father. Now, go ahead, Rochester. Start the record where I've got that little chalk mark. You say you didn't make any mistakes, eh, Phil? Just listen. This is the part where we were talking about your picture, Warbash Avenue. Now, listen. Well, it ain't exactly retakes. You see, there's a scene in the picture of me singing that's what I like about the South. And because of the foreign market, I've been down to the studio dubbing in the lyrics in French, German, Spanish, Greek, Portuguese, and Italian. That's all, Rochester. Did you hear that, Phil? Did you hear that? Portuguese. I thought it sounded cute. Play it again, Rochester. Never mind. Jack, I don't think it's fair of you to ball fill out. I've been waiting for you to speak up. Yes, sir. Put that other record on. The one marked Mary. Jack, you're trying to tell me that I make a mistake now and then. You needn't bother because I know it. Mary, I don't mind the little fluff you've made like the time you ordered a cheese sandwich. You make little mistakes like that every now and then. But Mary, what do you think was your biggest mistake? Leaving the maid company. Well, I won't argue that point. If you want to eat and get fat, that's your business. I have a record here. Well, Mr. Benny, are you sure the one on the left is the mother? I'm sure, I'm sure. I'm sure. And then to stop interrupting. I want to get this meeting over with because I have to go to see Ronald Coleman on some very important business. Now, look, Mary, you say you didn't make any mistake last week. Look, I want you to hear a recording of a program we did a few weeks ago. Rochester, put it on where I've got that little chalk mark. Yes, sir. Now listen, Mary. Mary, all the networks are nice. All the time people realize that there's no animosity between them. There isn't? Of course not. I'll take CBS. They even put Johnson's wax on the floor. CBS didn't put it there. So many stars come over. They tracked it in on their heads. That's enough, Rochester. That's enough. You hear that, Mary? The word was supposed to be shoes. Now, how in the world did you possibly arrive at the word head? Jack, that happened four weeks ago. I didn't deny it. I said I was guilty. You sentenced me to three days at hard labor. I painted your house. Now, let's forget it. You won't forget it until you finish the window sill. I want them green. Jack, is the meeting over? No, no, Don. Not yet. I want to show Mary a fluff that she made on last week's program. Rochester, play that first record again. Yes, sir. The place I'm looking for is somewhere around the middle. Go ahead, play it. Isn't it wonderful out here on the ocean? Yes, Don. There's nothing out there better than an obligation crew. That's not it, Rochester. Move the needle further down. Yes, okay. This is a little rough. Well, it can't get too rough for me. You know, during the First World War, I used to be on the Navy. A little further down. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Play that last part again. What's the matter? Jack, you said you were on the Navy instead of in the Navy. I did not. Oh, you didn't, eh? Rochester, play that part again. Okay. Jack, you better sit down. The ocean's a little rough. Well, it can't get too rough for me. You know, during the First World War, I used to be on the Navy. Shall we dance? How could you make a mistake like that? Yeah, the one on the right is the mother. The man has to be quiet. On the Navy. You know, Jack, in your face is the color of my eyes. Okay, Jack, what have you got to say now? I got this to say I did not make a mistake. What? I said I did not make a mistake. But Jack, we heard it distinctly. You said you were on the Navy. I said it because it's correct. When I became a sailor during the First World War, you kept me on board a ship called the USS Navy. Therefore, I was on the Navy, shut up, and meeting the germs. You and Mary can leave, but Don, I want you to stay. And you, too, Dennis, I want to hear your song. So long, Jackson. Bye, Jack. Tell me I made mistakes. All right, Dennis, what are you going to sing? Well, this is an old song, Mr. Benny. It was written by Ben Oakland and Herb Magnussen, and Georgie Jessel wrote the lyrics. Oh, Georgie Jessel, what's the name of it here? It rose in December. Good, let's hear it. I don't know, it seems that lately, the place is getting better and better. We didn't even say goodbye. Do you want me to wait, too? Huh? Oh, yes. Now, Don, the reason I asked you to stay is because I didn't want to embarrass you in front of the others. Well, Jack, what did I do? Every week this season, we've been using the quartet to do the commercial except once. Mind you, only once were you required to do a straight commercial. And the mistakes you made, the fluffing of lines was simply awful. But Jack, I remember that commercial, and I don't recall making any mistakes. Oh, you don't, eh? You don't recall any mistakes. Just sit down, Don. Rochester, play that fourth record over there and start it where I made that trough mark. Now, listen, Don, you don't remember any mistakes. Just listen carefully to this. Go ahead, Rochester. Ladies and gentlemen, luckies pay more, millions of dollars more than official parity prices for fine tobacco. Millions of dollars. But the makers of Lucky Strikes spend it for fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. So when you light up a Lucky, you're always sure of real smoking enjoyment. Yes, when you're smoking the cigarette of fine tobacco, you know you can expect enjoyment. At MFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, Lucky Strike means... Here to the commercial, boss. It is? Well, certainly, Jack. I didn't make one mistake. Well, I guess I was wrong. Thanks for staying. I could have sworn he made some mistakes in that commercial. Oh, well, it was nice hearing it again anyway. Say, Rochester, I got to run over and see Mr. Coleman now in some business. When I get back, have a little lunch for me. I'd like scrambled eggs. Sorry, boss, we're all out of eggs. Oh, well, as long as I'm going next door to Coleman's, I'll borrow a couple. I'll be right back. Answer the door. I don't think he likes me. Steve, Anita, you look wonderful. Thank you, Jack. Here are the eggs. How did you know I wanted to borrow eggs? Well, I saw you coming up the walk and since it was butter yesterday and sugar the day before, it had to be eggs today. Oh, yes. So we've completed the cycle, haven't we? Yes. Yes, we have. Now, is there anything else you might want? Bread, cream, flour, lettuce, turnips? Well... We're pushing turnips today. No, just the eggs will do. Well, maybe you could use some cookies. Cinnamon, jam, jelly beans. Oh, no, no, I gave you plenty of jelly beans. You gave me jelly beans? You gave me jelly...when? Two weeks ago, that night when you rang my bell and said trick or treat. Oh, oh, yes. God, buddy, I took such pains disguising myself as Little Bo Peep. How'd you recognize me? Because Little Bo Peep had lost her hair. Yes, I did know where to find it. Well, thanks for the eggs. You're quite all right, Jack. Goodbye. Oh, just a minute, Vanita. The main reason I came over was to see Ronnie. They have some very important business to discuss with him. Oh, I'm sorry, but Ronnie's at the studio. He's doing the final scenes on his picture, Champagne to Caesar. Oh. And if you'll excuse me, I was just getting ready to drive out there to see him. Well, that's swell. I'll go out with you, Vanita. Oh, a minute, Jack, Jack. No, I have to make several stops on the way. Oh, I don't mind waiting. Oh. Well, for goodness sakes, we won't be able to go after all. I just remembered my car has a flat car. Oh, well, don't worry. We'll drive out in my car. Your car? Sure. I'll go and get it. You win, Jack. We'll drive out in mine. Good. Good. Let's go. Here we are, Jack. Stage five. Now, you've got to be very quiet in there because... I know, Vanita. I know. I've made a lot of pictures myself. Oh, yes. I forgot. Thank you. Come on. Let's go in. Correct. It says it'll be a few minutes before the next scene. They have to change the lights, Mr. Corman. Thank you. Call me when he's ready, will you? Some extras on the set today. Haven't they, Vanita? Yeah. Oh, there he is. Hello, Ronnie. Oh, hello, darling. Only three more scenes. Hello, Ronnie. Ronnie, how are you? What are you doing here? He came out with me. He wants to see you on business, darling. Yeah, sure. Gee, it's good to see you again. Ronnie, shake. I forgot to take the egg out of my hand. I'm sorry. Ronnie, it isn't my fault. Stop wiping it off on my dress. Jack, normally I am not a curious man and I don't pry into other people's affairs. But how, in the name of heaven, did you happen to have an egg in your hand? Well, Vanita loaned me a couple of years. I'm glad you didn't borrow any vigorous. Now, Ronnie, I have some business I want to see you about. Jack, please. I don't know what it is, but you'll have to wait. This is our last day of shooting. We're behind the schedule and we still have to do the most important scene in the picture. But, Ronnie, this business will only... Everybody on stage. All right, Ronnie. We're already to shoot the scene. I'm ready. Oh, hello, Dick. Vanita, it's good to see you. By the way, this is Jack Benny. Jack, this is Ronnie's director, Richard Worf. It's nice meeting you, Mr. Worf. It's a pleasure meeting you too, Mr. Benny. Just not to him, Dick. Don't shake hands. Don't shake hands. I'll explain it to you later. All right. Now, Ronnie, this is the one we rehearsed this morning. Remember, the main feeling is that you are expressing contempt, not hatred, merely contempt for your business associates. Very good. And, Dick, don't you think it would be better if, instead of sitting ice, stood behind the desk? Yeah, let's try it that way. Quiet, everybody. Quiet on the set. Action. At last, I find courage to speak. I can't let this go on without a word of warning. You men are the forerunners of intellectual destruction in America. And I, for one, refuse to see the educational system of this country ruined by silly, simpering, whoops, brought my other egg. I'm so sorry. Goodness sake. Cut! Mr. Benny, would you please... Let me handle this. Jack, how many eggs did you borrow? Two. Good. He's out of them, Dick. We can go ahead. Yes, yes, go right ahead. Okay. Quiet on the set. Gentlemen, at last, I find courage to speak. I can't let this go on without a word of warning. Sorry, Ronnie, it isn't your fault, but I noticed too many shadows in the background. Hey, Joe, turn up the yorks on the right platform. That's better. Now, Ronnie, go through the speech once more with a new lighting. This'll be just a rehearsal. Okay. Gentlemen, I have finally found courage to speak. I can't let this go on without a word of warning. You men are the poor runners of intellectual destruction in America. Cut! Now, this one will take. Ronnie, try to get a shade more contempt into your voice. All right, Dick, I'm ready. All right, good. Everybody quiet. Quiet, everybody. This is a take. All right, Ronnie. Camera, action. Gentlemen, at last, I find courage to speak. I can't let this go on without a word of warning. You men are the poor runners of intellectual destruction in America. And I, for one, cut! I thought you had a little too much contempt in your... I think that you should have done... You think? Mr. Belly, I happen to be the director of this picture. I know, but I'm trying to give you the benefit of my experience. Mr... Mr... What was your name again? Warf. Richard Warf. Hey, that sounds familiar. Warf. Warf. I've heard that name before. Very likely. My brother in San Francisco named Fisherman. Dick, how could you? I wanted to beat him to it. What? I've heard you on the radio. You pick on anything. Look, Mr. Warf, I'm only trying to help you. I don't need your help. Mr. Warf, for your information, making moving pictures is not a cut-and-dry business. There's no sure way to produce a good picture. The only way we can learn is by mistakes. You better listen to him, Dick. He's made some beauts. Thank you. If you're going to stay here, you'll have to keep quiet. Now, hold it just a second, Dick. I'd like to talk to my wife privately. Benita, will you come with me for a moment? Yes, Ronnie. Benita, why in the world did you bring Benny out here? But, darling, I couldn't help it. Couldn't help it. Couldn't help it. Look, we've been married a good many years, haven't we? Yes, dear. In all those years, we've never had any serious arguments, have we? No, dear. Well, Benita, I'm warning you. If a thing like this happens again, I'm going to pack my Oscar and move back to the YMCA. Now, do you hear? Ronnie, stop waving your finger in my face. You're getting egg on my nose. That's your fault, too. Ronnie, I hate you to wrap up. We're way behind on schedule. Let's finish this scene. Well, I'm sorry, Dick. I'm ready. Okay, quiet, everybody. This is a take. Quiet on the set. Lights, camera, gentlemen. At least I find courage to speak. I can't let this go on without a word of warning. Jack! You men are the forerunners of intellectual destruction in America. Jack! National system of this country. I want to show Ronnie how that speaks. We don't need your help. If I haven't taken Ronnie, can't you get rid of this? This? Slamilk? Look, Jack, I don't mind too much. I'm used to you, but you're new to Mr. Walt. Please leave the set. But, Ronnie, Ronnie, I can't leave now. I came out here to see you on business that's important to you. All right, Jack, all right. You've delayed the picture for an hour. You've ruined three dates. You've upset my director and caused me to argue with my wife. Now, what is this important business you want to talk to me about? Ronnie, Ronnie, do you realize that here it is the middle of November and you haven't ordered your Christmas card yet? Ronnie, I have some cards with beautiful winter scenes. Oh! Oh, my goodness, what happened? An arc light fell down and hit him on the head. He badly hurts. I don't know, but we better work first. Lights! I can't let this go down without a word of warning. You men are the poor. I can help observe the first annual National Kids Day on Saturday, November 19th and you will be helping the underprivileged children of your community. All funds raised in your city remain there for the benefit of the children of your community. Thank you. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first, $60 million more than official parity prices for fine tobacco. And that's mighty important to you because fine tobacco and smoking enjoyment go hand in hand. And L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, ripe mellow tobacco that gives you a more enjoyable, a smoother, milder smoke with never a rough puff. Yes, luckies give everyone more smoking enjoyment, including the men who are expert judges of tobacco, the independent auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen, men born and bred in the tobacco business. Take Mr. Linwood L. Sturtevant of Louisburg, North Carolina, a veteran warehouseman. He recently said, when you talk tobacco, you're talking my language. I've seen plenty of tobacco bought and sold, about 150 million pounds. In year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine light leap that makes extra enjoyable smoking. I've been smoking luckies myself for 11 years. And that's an outstanding tribute to the real, deep down smoking enjoyment in Lucky Strike. So take a tip from the tobacco experts and light up a lucky, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Yes, next time you buy a cigarette, ask for a carton of Lucky Strike. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank Mr. Ronald Coleman and Richard Warf for being with us tonight. But later this evening, I'm going to be on Red Skelton's program. And be sure to listen in next week, when we will have, as our guest, Sammy the drummer. Thank you. In the name of Sammy, shall we follow the meeting. This is CVS, the Columbia Broadcasting Center.