 Today on The Anxious Truth, we're talking about the paradox of letting go in the context of anxiety recovery. Letting go is an important part of the recovery process, but it doesn't actually do what you think it's going to do, at least not in the beginning. So, let's get going. Hello everybody, welcome back to The Anxious Truth. This is podcast episode number 195-195, recorded February of 2022, entitled, Anxiety Recovery, The Paradox of Letting Go. If you are new to the podcast, I am Drew Lincellata, creator and host of this fine program. The Anxious Truth is the podcast that covers anxiety and anxiety recovery. So if you are struggling with things like panic attacks, panic disorder, or agoraphobia, things of that nature, this is the podcast for you. I'm really glad that you're here. Welcome. If you are a returning listener or viewer on the YouTube channel, of course, welcome back. I'm really glad that you're here every week. Thank you. So today we're going to talk about the idea that letting go is an important part of the recovery process, but there's also a paradox surrounding that. There is a paradox of letting go and recovery. Now, before we get started on that, I'm actually lifting this topic directly from the morning emails and podcasts that I do called The Anxious Morning. We're talking about this on The Anxious Morning all week. So if you are not subscribed, that's 100% free to the morning emails and podcasts. It's a three to 500 word email that shows up in your inbox every morning and a little three to five minute podcast that you can listen to every morning. Go to TheAnxiousMorning.com and go ahead and subscribe. It's 100% free. And we're talking about this all week on The Anxious Morning. And I'm taking the topic and bringing it here to the big podcast, The Anxious Truth, because I want to really examine the paradox of letting go. And why sometimes people get a little bit fooled and like, oh, this letting go thing isn't really working out there we wanted to. So go to TheAnxiousMorning.com and subscribe to that if you haven't already. It's a great resource, 100% free. And I love creating it. And everybody that's involved is enjoying it too. So go check that out. So what is the paradox of letting go in the context of anxiety recovery? Well, let's get into it. The reason why I say that there is a paradox surrounding the process of letting go is because it initially won't do what you're hoping that it's going to do. Now, initially, you're probably thinking that, oh, if I could just let go, I could just let go. There'll be a release of tension. Now, why would we think that? Well, because when we hear the idea of letting go or you're given that advice, just let go, man. Like when you get that advice in terms of general life advice for dealing with stress and anger and agitation and, you know, your pain in the butt boss and like maybe a problem you're having with your partner or a little argument and things like that, the dog is making you crazy. Just let it go, man. Like, you know, life is too short to worry about that stuff. Okay, that's not bad life advice. I could get on board with that for sure. But the implication there is that if you are struggling with something emotionally, you know, in life in general, not talking about anxiety disorders, but if you are stressed out by work or like, you know, you had a bad meeting or the guy in the next office is really bothering you and he's just not pulling his weight. A lot of times people will say, just let it go. Like, let it go. It's fine. It is what it is. You're stressed over that. And when you can let go of those things, sometimes you'll look and say, yeah, when am I getting so worked up over? You know, there was a really long line at the supermarket. I had to wait an extra three minutes. Really? Am I getting so worked up with that? You let it go. And there is a release of tension. So you're under tension in some way, shape or form, right? You're experiencing frustration or disappointment or anger or whatever impatience or whatever the case may be. And if you can learn to recognize that, you know what, I can let this go and I can disengage with this struggle in the moment. You will likely feel a release of tension and you'll feel a little bit more calm in that moment. So when we take that and we bring it into the anxiety recovery realm, we make the mistake of thinking that if we could just learn to let go when panic is happening. So if you have that panic attack is rising and your default has been to try to fight it and stop it and make it go away and do all your rituals to stay safe from it. And you hear us talk, me and people like me all the time, about letting go, let go of the struggle, surrender, accept, float, willfully tolerate. These are all variations on the theme of truly letting go. And I've said before, like recovery from an anxiety disorder is if you want to look at it as a war, it is a war that we only win when we stop fighting it. So truly letting go is one of the central themes in effective recovery that lasts over time. But we may take that general life advice of letting go and drag it in here to anxiety recovery, you know, kind of realm universe and think, oh, if I can just let go when a panic attack happens, I'm going to experience that calm, like letting go as a path to calm, to tension reduction, to tranquility, to peace, whatever you want to call it. Because in general life advice, spiritual advice, mental health advice, in general outside of anxiety recovery, there's an implication that if you can let go in any given moment, you're going to find some relief in that moment. However, that is not necessarily the case when it comes to recovery from your anxiety problem. Let me explain that. The paradox of letting go in the context of anxiety recovery is that while the practice of letting go over time may lead us to a more calm state or a calmer state, the act of letting go in any given moment may lead us into an increased state of anxiety and agitation. So let me just repeat that. The paradox of letting go in the context of anxiety recovery tells us that even though the practice over time of letting go will lead us to a place of increased calm, the act of letting go in any specific moment may lead us to a place of increased anxiety. Now if that isn't a paradox, I don't know what is. And I wanted to do this episode today because that trips up a whole lot of people. You know, you work really hard to get your brain around this advice that we give you to, you know, you got to let go. You have to surrender. You have to willfully tolerate, float, except all those things stop to fight. And that's a hard thing to do. So all week on the anxious morning, we've been talking about that in the emails in the podcast. Like it's hard because we think we're protecting ourselves. Like we think we're fighting it off. We're keeping the enemy outside of the city walls. But then we learn over time like no, we're really not because I'm still having panic attacks. I still can't leave the house. I'm still gripped by these, these, you know, scary and repetitive thoughts all the time. Like this isn't working. So you finally sort of get to the point where you say, OK, I guess I'm going to have to give up the fight. I'm going to have to surrender. I'm going to have to willfully tolerate. I'm going to have to accept and float. Do all those things. And you kind of drag that outside connotation in that says if I let go, let go sounds like a tension release. But really what happens initially, especially in the early stages, when you first start to truly let go of the fight, when you first truly surrender, you likely are not going to find an immediate release intention. You're not going to find a reduction intention immediately. That happens repeatedly over time in the practice of letting go. But in any given moment, when you let go of the fight, think about this, you are confronted with this in a situation where you have been hanging on and fighting and trying to cope and manage and do all of the things that ensue and affirm and mantra your way out of this terrible fate that you think awaits you death, incapacitation, insanity, losing control, whatever it happens to be that you think is that outcome that that you fear. Or that you think this is all just too much. The thoughts, the emotions, the anxiety, this is just too much. So you're hanging on because too much indicates if I let go, I got a big problem. Something bad is going to happen even if you're not even really sure what that is. When you let go and stop fighting, you are inviting that horrible outcome. So you think that hanging on is keeping that outcome from happening. If I just hang on like hot death, I won't have a psychotic break. If I just hang on really tightly, I won't die. I won't become permanently depersonalized. I won't lose control and make a fool of myself in the supermarket. Whatever you think the worst outcome is, or even if you're not sure what the outcome is, it just feels like too much. Hanging on is a way to protect yourself against the ultimate result of too much or overwhelm or whatever it happens to be. So when you decide in a given moment, especially in the beginning of this journey to actually let go, I'm going to let go of this. I'm going to completely and utterly give up the fight. I'm going to let go of the rope and let myself fall into what I have always seen as an endless like pit of death. I'm going to fall into that. You will be afraid. So in any given moment, the act of letting go, especially in the beginning is a really brave thing to do. It requires courage. It requires conviction. It takes a long time to get to the point where you're willing to let go of that rope and give up the fight and surrender and all that stuff. And when you finally do, you think your brain has you 100% convinced that you are surrendering to a terrible outcome. So why in the world would you think that that would bring a release of tension? The initial response to that initial act of letting go in any given moment, especially when you first start doing it in the earlier stages of recovery is an increase in fear and anxiety and tension. It just is. But what winds up happening is that increased fear, that's the part where you are allowing the fear and the panic and the anxiety to peak. And then the letting go is that's the mechanism that we use to make sure that it peaks and then comes back down like it always will. So we need that peak. We let go to hit the peak, which means more fear and more anxiety. It feels more intense. There's an increase in tension. There's not a reduction in tension. That only happens over time. So as you repeat that process, let go fall into the abyss. Oh, nothing bad happened. Let go fall into the abyss. Oh, nothing bad happened again. Let go fall into the abyss. Wait, this isn't an abyss after all. Let go fall into the abyss like this is barely even a drop. There's like a two foot drop. I'm totally fine. You see how the outcome teaches you a new lesson. And then you begin over time to understand that, oh, when I let go, then I begin to feel a reduction in tension. So people who are getting better at this will discover, oh my God, I was in the supermarket. I felt it all happening and I remembered what I was supposed to do. I stopped. I let it wash over me. It went through me and then it went away. But there's always that initial increase, always the initial increase momentarily. So the paradox here is that when you let go, you will likely be more afraid for a few seconds or a few minutes or a few hours for some people for the rest of the day. Because and you have that that temporary increase in discomfort, because we need to get through the peak of the discomfort to learn that we never needed to be afraid and everything turns out OK, we're capable. I'm capable of handling this. I'm capable of moving through this. The worst doesn't happen. There is no such thing as too much. I'm strong. I'm able. I am competent. I can do this. So we need to let go to hit the peak of discomfort, the peak of the tension to learn that we are capable of moving through it. But it's not instantaneous relief. And that trips a lot of people up. So this was actually prompted by a discussion in my Facebook group. I'm not going to name the names, but if you're listening, you know who you are. That like this person's therapist was giving them the analogy of letting go over rope in a tug of war. Like you're in a tug of war. You're pulling on that rope and you're not getting anywhere. You're pulling, pulling, pulling. So you're just working so hard. Let go of the rope, put down the rope, which is great. That's good advice from the therapist. But this person discovered like, oh my God, when I dropped the rope, my brain is screaming at me. Like it didn't make me feel any better at all. It made me feel like I was in danger. It felt reckless. It felt wrong. It felt dangerous to let go of the rope, to let go. Yeah, correct. The initial response when you let go is that's not right. I have to hang on. I have to hang on. You have conditioned yourself to believe that you must hang on at all costs. And so we keep telling you to let go. That's a hard ask. And when you finally get there and let go, your brain is going to scream at you. No, what are you doing? Pick up the rope, grab on, hang on. Your brain does not want you to let go. The part of your brain that is tasked with keeping you safe is going to protest and it's going to do it loudly. And so that's the way that happens. So in any given moment, the act of letting go may increase your fear, your anxiety, your tension, your discomfort. But the practice of letting go over time will decrease those things, which I know is if you're listening to this podcast, that's where you want to be. That's okay. I understand that. That's where you want to be. So that is the paradox of letting go. The paradox of letting go is in any given moment, letting go will not make you feel better. It will probably make you feel worse for a few seconds, a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, depending on your circumstance. But over time, letting go teaches you that you're okay, you're competent, you're capable, nothing better happens. You don't have to be afraid of this. Then you experience the decrease in tension, the decrease in anxiety, the decrease in fear. You get more calm moments, more tranquility. So that is a hell of a paradox. And it sucks. It's fascinating. If it wasn't our lives, it would be more fascinating. Like it stinks that you have to go through that, but we do have to go through that. So if you are feeling like, well, when I let go, how come I don't get that? Because you're not going to get the ha is a thing that happens over time. That release of tension is a thing that happens over time with repeated experiences. In any given moment, letting go of the rope means you fall a little bit. You just learn that, oh, it's a very short fall and there's a nice soft net down there. Nothing bad happens to me. But you do have to fall and that's scary. So it will increase your tension. It will increase the fear level and increase all those things initially. Now, just before we wrap it up, to acknowledge that that's going to be different for different people depending on where you are. So when you let go, that increase initial spike in anxiety and fear, intention and discomfort may be very short-lived. It might just be a few seconds or it might be just a few minutes or it might be just an hour. But if you have lived a better part of most of your life hanging on all the time because you're generally afraid of everything, then the act of letting go is probably going to make you feel very vulnerable, very unsafe, very uncertain for a longer amount of time. And that may carry over through the rest of your day. That is possible and that's actually relatively common too. Because letting go, even though it's a thing that is good for you on the long term, will feel very bad. If your entire life has been based on controlling and letting go and making sure you know everything that's going to happen and predicting outcomes and staying safe all the time and you stop doing that, that feels downright reckless and like you are inviting disaster every minute of the day. So it depends. If you're mainly kind of panic focused, then the increased spike in discomfort and fear is probably going to be a little shorter duration and will be focused on those anxiety spikes and the panic or your exposures, that sort of stuff. But if you're dealing a little bit more with more generalized issues where control and maintaining control and staying safe all the time and making sure that you don't get blindsided and making sure everybody's happy, that letting go is harder and it will lead to probably longer term discomfort before the reduction kicks in down the road. So think of it as like going to the gym. If you have been on the sofa for two years and you decide you're going to go to the gym because you know it's good for you. It's healthy. It builds your body and it'll help you live longer, whatever it is, all the benefits. That's great. But when you first go to the gym, oh, not a whole lot of benefits. You're sore. You're out of breath. You're huffing and puffing. You stink at it. Same rules apply here. Letting go is not an instantaneous, you know, relief. Letting go is not like you hear general life advice. You know, this is not the big Lebowski. It's not the dude. Like just let it go, dude. You know, I'm a big fan of that philosophy. I really am. But in this context, you can't drag it into recovery and decide, oh, if I just let go, then in this given moment when the panic is sitting, it'll make me feel better. Let go. Not so much. I mean, maybe once the peak ends and the panic ends, you learn to make the panic end faster that way naturally, not by forcing it, not by managing coping. Any of those things just naturally letting it rise and fall. Sure, you're going to get some relief. That's a good thing. But in that moment, it's going to feel really scary. So that is the paradox of letting go. The act of letting go in any given moment will likely increase your anxiety. Even while the practice of letting go repetitively over time will decrease your anxiety. There's a paradox for you. It doesn't get more clear than that one, right? I mean, if there is one, I can't think of a better example. But recovery is full of paradoxes. It sucks, dude. It's like it's completely counterintuitive and it's full of ridiculous like contradictions and paradoxes just like that one. So hopefully this has been helpful. That is episode number 195 of The Anxious Truth. The paradox of letting go in a nutshell. I'm going to play. Here comes the music. Ready? I'm going to play you out as usual with Afterglow by my friend, Ben Drake, whom you can find at Ben Drake Music.com. This is the song you hear in the beginning and the end of all the podcast episodes and all the videos. Go check them out because he's a good musician. He's a good dude. What else am I going to tell you? If you're watching on YouTube, hit the subscribe button and like the video. And I've been better at responding to comments. So if you want to make a comment or ask a question, I promise I'll see it and I'll respond now. And let's see if you're watching, if you're listening on Spotify or iTunes or any place where you can rate or review the podcast, leave a five star rating and write a cool review so that someone else that needs to help can find it because that's how we do that. And that's it, man. That's why I do this. Try and reach as many people as I can and help as many people as I can. I appreciate you coming by and hanging out, giving me your attention. Hopefully this has been helpful to you. I will be back next week with another topic. I don't know what it's going to be, but I will be here. So I will just end by reminding you that this is the way.