 For instance, I would think about how easy it would be to just be on the top of this building and to just walk off You know, I was feeling this way every day for so long and it feels so heavy and it's so much pressure that It's just like thinking about what a relief it would be to just step off the balcony and And be done with it What's up guys? My name is Raif Derrazy and today I want to talk about something that I have been admittedly putting off for a couple weeks You know over the course of the pandemic Primarily I've been feeling an increasing sense of anxiety and Consequently depression especially lately and speaking with a lot of you and many of you have reached out to me Messages DMs comments, etc. I know that a lot of you have struggled with anxiety and depression as well And I've been able to respond to that coming from a really good stable strong place But I also want to share my experience dealing with anxiety and depression while in it So that's what I'm here to talk about today Anxiety and depression are something that are definitely not new to me It's something that I've been dealing with my whole life as a kid It wasn't as apparent because it manifested in a very different way I was kind of like living in La La Land and everything was happy and hunky-dory on the outside But I I was dealing with it on a subconscious level and so it manifests itself in Really strange ways like my hygiene was was atrocious. It was bad I was always dirty and had dirt under my nails And I just didn't care to clean myself and you might say well, that's kind of normal for a kid But for me, it was that in conjunction with other things like Not going to the bathroom when I needed to go to the bathroom I would sit in class and I would have to go pee and I just I wouldn't I wouldn't go I would hold it and I would go from class to class to class holding it and I didn't want to go until after school and I by the time I Reached a bathroom after school. It was like to the point where I was gonna pee myself If I didn't go within seconds and one time I did you know in the middle of the street because I had been holding it all day and Couldn't hold it any longer. I was always getting sick at least once a month. Sometimes a couple times a month I was getting you know, I was going to the nurse's office all the time I had asthma that I was dealing with a lot and I suffered from very frequent nightmares and then here another thing that I did as a kid was Whatever situation I was in I was always looking for the exit I was always Mindful of where the doors were windows were in a room so that in case there was a fire or an earthquake or A murderer or something some other calamitous event I would have a plan of as to how I was going to exit that situation I don't think that's normal for a seven eight year old nine year old to be thinking about right And this was all in response to Traumatic experiences in my life as a kid and as I got older it Manifested more directly in my teens. I finally you know that that facade that la la land bubble that I was living in crumbled in high school and at that point it turned into actual depression and anxiety and that culminated in a An attempted suicide by overdose and then from there I was able to deal with all these things that had been kind of bubbling around in my subconscious for so long and deal with a lot of those issues and Be able to tackle it in a healthy way and kind of Regain a sense of foundation strength stability But since then you know it will come and go at different points in my life To varying degrees of intensity and so I'm finding myself With the pandemic You know all this stability This foundation that I had built for myself over years kind of crumbled away in a lot of ways you know I lost my main source of income and then another source of income and then I really wasn't able to work out in the way that I had trained myself to for almost a decade and Progressively gained more and more weight Then I lost my desire to work out. I started avoiding responsibilities Whether it be around the house or or just you know doctors appointments things like that My motivation in general has been on the decline If you hear some noise that's dookie on the ground rolling around I Stay at home. I stay inside more and more don't want to go out Kind of don't look for social situations or avoid them and then most recently It really culminated. I would say towards the end of July and that that point I Just noticed that I was sitting around and kind of daydreaming about Suicidal things so for instance, I would think about How easy it would be to just be on the top of this building and to just walk off You know, I was feeling this way every day for so long and it feels so heavy and it's so much pressure that It's just like thinking about what a relief it would be to just Step off the balcony and be done with it Not that I was like in a place where I actually wanted to do it or I was planning to or anything like that but for me at this point in my life that is a huge Alarm Bell red flag that I need to change something right now in my life and at that point it was very obvious that I was Stretching myself too thin with all of my work commitments. I just had to pull back and really Give myself some more space and give myself some more simplicity And so I did that And I have been feeling Better I've been Slowly kind of regaining a sense of self and in passion and but I found myself in the last week or so kind of slipping again And I'm just I'm just kind of floundering at this point and I guess I know that eventually I'll come out of it but right now And in the past year and a half or so it's just a lot and um I'm just overwhelmed and I'm a I'm I'm an I'm an over thinker. I think a lot And I'm just I just feel like I'm drowning a lot into trying to figure out What the right course of action is and But I Was spent spent the last three hours just looking for a therapist and it's so hard to find the therapist and it's so hard to find a therapist That is covered by insurance And so I've just been looking and reaching out to a few people and so hopefully something will stick because I just need to to talk to someone who knows who knows what they're doing Because I'm at a loss right now And I just need to admit that to myself like raff you need help Seriously need help Just doing this video. I feel like I have a voice inside my head that's saying Why are you doing this video? It's stupid. Nobody cares. It's self-indulgent You're the last person that should be complaining about anything and Yeah, so I'm I'm actively fighting that voice in my head while I'm doing this So it's kind of it's kind of difficult when I have received messages from from Some of you who have been struggling Oftentimes I say that the objective isn't to not Feel anxiety or depression at all because oftentimes it's just a fact of life And it's something that we'll a lot of us have to deal with and struggle with And for some of us more than others And so in that case the idea isn't to completely get rid of it so that we never experience it ever Because then you'll just be met by disappointment after disappointment in that Is a like a negative feedback loop the win really is that we prolong the periods where we feel good and The periods when we don't feel good that they're shorter and or not as severe And so practices like gratitude journaling and meditation and goal setting and and reading like encouraging books and all these little activities and things that we do to Help ourselves is Towards that and towards that goal So I think I think that's a really good place to start is setting that as the expectation not of like I don't if ever feel depressed It don't ever want to struggle with anxiety because a lot of times that's not realistic for me I don't think that's realistic. That was a big moment for me Recognizing that my expectations should be to lessen those periods that I don't feel bad about myself I don't feel as much shame or as much embarrassment Although I do feel some to an extent even now I know that this isn't going to be over tomorrow or the next day. I might actually I might wake up and feel amazing, but um over the long period this is going to be something that I have to really work through and hopefully I'll have found a therapist by then and when I'm following up with you guys and continuing to share this journey and so You know, this is something that I would love to discuss with you guys in the comments down below hear your thoughts How do you guys get through these periods? Uh, stuff like that So I'm definitely going to be delving into this topic a lot more taking deeper dives going into certain areas of you know, what I'm struggling with more in depth But um, I just wanted to start here by acknowledging that this is something that I have been dealing with I have been dealing with intense anxiety and of recently increasing levels of depression Please like this video if you like it subscribe if you haven't already share this with someone who might Benefit from this type of content and I will see you all soon Bye