 And now, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you all a master of ceremonies, but a gentleman, nevertheless, Mr. Jack Benny. Hello again, this is gentlemen Jack talking, America's representative youth, and unless I am mistaken, the bull-brummel of the air, and by my own consensus of opinion, a swell guy. I must say you're modest. Oh yes, Alois, I'm not a bitty get-this-to-go. In fact, I'm much nicer than I think I am. That may be, but I certainly think you could be a little more careful about your appearance on the Sunday night program. Why, Alois, Chevrilla. This is the first time I've thought of that, you know? What do you mean? I mean this, that you might at least wear a collar and tie. But Alois, I'm broadcasting. I mean, who can see me? Oh, that isn't the idea. You must wear a collar on Sundays. Listen, Avril, a New York state-only dog must wear a collar. Maybe that's what he meant. Well, I wish you fellas had let me alone. I have so many clever things to say tonight, really. Well, I didn't mean to get personal about your collar and tie, Jack. No. But after all, our listening audience imagines this is an elaborate studio. Yes, of course. They also imagine that we're immaculately dressed. Yeah, well, let them imagine that I'm wearing a collar and tie. He's right, Jack. Look at that suit you've got on. Yeah, what's the matter with it? Nothing, but you can get a press for 40 cents. Yeah, I'll remember that. Uh, where is your other suit, Jack? This is it, Alois. Is that the only suit you've got? No, no, I have two. Of course, the other one is a bathing suit. It's still pretty cold out, you know. You know, this suit I'm wearing now was made to order. Made to order? Yes, for Slim Summerville. That was Frank Black's blindfolds, but I beat him to it, you know. Hello, everybody. Hi, Jack. Hello, Mary. Say, Jack, why don't you get a shave before you come to the studio? It's none of your business. Well, it's a barber's business. He has to eat, too. Ah, friends, don't let my gang get to lose me. I'm just a little eccentric, that's all. Frank, what does eccentric mean? Cheap. Oh, sure, I think Jack's very eccentric. Thanks. Well, here I am if it means anything. Oh, hello, Parker. Say, Parker, do you see anything the matter with me? Well, you're all right, but your shoes need to shine, and I don't like that shirt. Well, as long as I'm all right, why worry, you know. Is that a first-run shirt you're wearing? What do you mean, first run? Did it make its first appearance on your back, or did somebody else break it in? Listen, this shirt... No, wait, this shirt belongs to me. Well, it looks pretty bad. Yeah. Say, when you're as old as that shirt, you'll look bad, too. You didn't beat me to that one. Yeah. That was Frank Black, who gets more mileage out of a pair of socks. Well, at least I wear them all. Well, I could say something that one of us has to give in, you know, folks. You can't fight all night. Say, why don't you fellas leave Jack alone? You're always picking on him. Thanks, Mary. You're welcome. But for heaven's sake, comb your hair. That hasn't cost anything. Yeah, well, I haven't got a comb. Well, put a chalk line in the middle. Now, listen, wait a minute. Well, listen, all of you, I had enough of this tonight. Clothes and appearance mean nothing. It's all bunk about clothes making a man. Did Columbus wear a tuxedo when he discovered America? No, it was an old Spanish costume. All right, wait a minute. All right, I'll grant you that gag. But when Lincoln posed for the penny, did he worry about clothes? Yeah. Yeah, all right, then let's take Washington. When he crossed the Delaware, did he wear an evening suit? No, he crossed in the morning. All right, then let's take... Let's take, oh, never mind. Frank Black and his tailor-made men playing Going to Heaven on a Mule from the Motion Picture Wonder Bar. Frank, you should have put that mule in reverse, you know. And now we're going to hear from Frank Parker, our romantic tenor, who will sing Frank, what are you going to sing tonight? Well, the song in my heart from spring is here. What, no smoke gets in your eyes? Well, I cut out smoke, and I just want to sing. Oh, I see. Well, Parker, listen, before I forget it, I received a fan letter this morning requesting that you sing a certain number. It's Mary Hammy that letter, will you? Oh, this job is just one thing after another. No rest, no recreation, just one half hour of solid toil. Give me that letter, will you? Here it is, Frank. It says, uh, Jack Benny, care front of Rich Carleton Hotel, New York. Funny how... It's funny how people find out where you're living. It says, uh, we'll be listening to your program Sunday night. Please ask Frank Parker to sing home again on John Dillinger. John Dillinger? Yes, it says John Dillinger, FRD-7, Iowa, Illinois, Nebraska, or where do you think? Just a man about town. I think we better answer that. Mary, take a letter. Say, uh, Mr. John Dillinger. USA? Or Canada. Uh, dear sir, if you will send us a 3-cent stamp in your address, we will be glad to make you a copy of this song. Is that all, Jack? That's all. Sing, John. I mean Parker. I hope you like that, Mr. Dillinger. That was with a song in my heart sung by Frank Parker. Now, ladies and gentlemen, for our weekly surprise, I know that many of you have seen that very entertaining motion picture, Henry VIII. Now, tonight, we are going to offer... Say, Jack. Yes, Alois. Some of my friends listened into our program last Sunday, and they were talking about that duel you fought with Frank Black. Well... Well, I hate to bring this up, Jack, but it's the general opinion among my friends that you lack courage. Tell them to perish the thought, Alois. I mean, in the first place, we were only kidding. And personally, I think fighting a duel is rather foolish. You don't gain anything by it. No, that's true. But you know, Alois, I'd like to find some other way of showing Black that I'm gamer than he is. So would I. You see, he's always ready to start an argument. Well, there ought to be some way of settling this little feud between you two to find out who is the gamer. I think so. Why don't you fellows toss a coin and see which one buys a drink? I think that's overdoing it a little, you know. Yes, there must be some other way of... Yeah, I think so. I wonder what would be a real test of courage. Hey, boys, I've got a great idea. What is it? Listen, I know where there's an old haunted house. The weirdest place you've ever seen. People are even afraid to pass there. Where is it? Oh, about 12 miles out on Gun Hill Road. Nobody has lived there for years. And the only free people who ever entered that house were never seen again. So what? Well, why don't you and Frank each spend a night there? And the fellow who comes out alive wins. Oh, isn't there any place money? No. Oh. Well, how about it, Frank? Are you game? Well, uh... Well, uh, I, uh... How about you, Jack? Me too. These heroes come to you through the courtesy of Chevrolet, the most dependable car in the low price. Well, I suggest we drop the whole thing and... Nothing doing. You will hurt the dignity of this program. Don't be afraid, Jack. I'll go with you. Is it all right if I take my orchestra along? No. No. This is a test of courage between you two men. Now, which one of you will volunteer to spend the first night in the haunted house? I said, which one of you two will spend the first night there? Hmm. This is a quiet program tonight. How about you, Black? I'd love to, but I have some musical arrangements to make tonight, and I... How about you, Jack? Well, I have to help, Frank. I know something about music, too. I'll tell you what. I'll toss a nickel, and the loser will have to spend the first night in that haunted house alone. What do you say? Head to tail? Yes. Here goes. Head. Tails it is. You lose, Jack. Congratulations. Yay! Okay, I'll go. Well, so long, James. So long, Jack. Don't forget the ride. Wait. Let's all ride down with Jack and see if it ejects in the right house. Aw, you don't have to come along. I'll find it. Oh, yeah? Don't bother. Well, we're going with you. Come on. Everybody, I'll drive you out there. Okay, with me. Me, too. Playboy, you'll be right back. Yes. She would have lonely spots. She was in the house with a knife. Thanks. It's all right. Nothing bothers, Jack. Here's some cigarettes, Jack, in case you get nervous. What kind are they? Well, that's the difference. This is an automobile program. See here, Wendy. See what a brilliant place. Cutters are all different. I'll say it gives me the creep. This place is over 160 years old. Mmm. Look here. Looks like rain, too. That's all I need. If somebody says boo, I'll die. No. My pal. Well, gang, guess we might as well get back. So long, Jack. Please type. Goodbye, Jack. Mary, aren't you going to stick around? No, I'm going to the shopping club. Oh. Have a good time, huh? Come on, fellas. Let's go. Goodbye. Goodbye, Jack. So long. I think if I better get in the house before it rains. Here is Wendy. Well, well, Pete, come on. We're going, ladies. Let's walk up those steps like a little major. Mmm. So this is a haunted house, eh? I bet it's just an old shack with a bad reputation. Well, here's a bell. Maybe there's someone home. Mmm. Nobody home. Well, might as well go in and get to bed. It's just inside now. Everything looks nicely arranged in the parlor. It's just from the time I played Bridgeport. There was nobody in the theater. What's that? Oh, just an old clock ticking. It's funny how these little things upset you. All right. I guess I might just well sit down. All alone. I guess all alone. Just the wind blowing the shutters. See? Everything scares you. Wait till black gets here tomorrow, oh boy. I wonder if this is really a haunted house. Nice. I'm going home. Who's that? Who's that coming down the stairs? Funny, I can't see anyone. Did you bring for me, sir? What? Did you bring for me? That's strange. You're a voice, but I don't see anybody. Who are you? I'm the coast of the maid who used to work here. Yeah, but where are you? Right here beside you. That's news to me. Don't be afraid. I suppose you're hungry after your long trip here. Yeah. What can I bring you to eat? Funny, I don't see you, but I'll have a ham and egg sandwich. Good. I will bring you a phantom ham and egg sandwich. It can be a phantom egg, but I must see the ham. First, let me show you around the house. Follow me. But I can't see you. I heard you broadcast and I can't see you either. See, that's good. Come. Come with me. Where are you? Where are you, I say? A jacket. Must be your imagination. That was no maid. What's the matter with you? Are you losing your nerve? Oh yeah, I'm getting out of here. Where's that door? That's funny. I could have sworn there was a door here and now it's a fireplace. Oh, maybe. Just my nerves. I'd better sit down here and take it easy. I'm a quiet myself. Focus on your eyes. Focus on your eyes. Who's that singing? That's queer. I've heard those songs so much. I imagine I'm hearing them now. Chevalier, chevalier, chevalier, chevalier, chevalier. Just a plain as day. Who said that? Who said that? Tom yourself, Jack. Just mental, that's all. Oh, sit down, Emperor Jones. You was all right. You were just hearing things. That's all. Why don't you come up sometime? Who's that? Who's that? Why don't you come up sometime? It's me. Where are you, May? I can't see you. I'm not making any personal appearances. Sit down, Jack. You're expecting too much from a haunted house. Chevalier, chevalier, chevalier, chevalier. Right, you're overdoing it. I'm going to get out of here. I don't care if Frank Black does win this bet. Who are you? Oh, just a bed sheet running around. The ghost of Mahatma Gandhi. Say ghost, come here. I'd like to ask you something. Chevalier, chevalier, chevalier, chevalier, chevalier. There it goes again. Don't tell me you didn't hear that. I'm getting out of here before I go mad. There must be a naked someplace. Ah, there's a door. I wonder where it leads to. I'll try it anyway. Hello again. This is Jack Benney talking. Hey, wait a minute. Who are you? I am the ghost of Jack Benney. But I'm not dead yet. That's what you think. I'm going to get out of here. There's a place marked exit. It says, walk, don't run. It's a fine time for jokes. Gee, keep it as dark. Who are you? Sarah Livingston. Sarah Livingston? Mary Livingston's great, great grandmother. Funny, you don't look a day older than Mary. What are you doing here? I'm looking for the ghosts without a nose. You're telling me, huh? How do you get out of here? Please tell me. Walk up that flight of stairs, and there you will see an exit. Follow that exit to the bathroom. The bathroom? Can I get out that way? No, but you can take a bath. Thanks. Now we're getting someplace. I must try something else. Try the new 1934 Chevrolet. That's what you think. When I'm going upstairs, there must be a way out of this house if it's through the chimney. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm not alone on these stairs. I hear lots of feet. They can't go home now. Oh, the ghosts of Garbo. Well, here I am upstairs, and still no place. If I don't get out of here, I'll go crazy. Oh, here's the door. This must lead to the roof. I'll open it. Hello, friends. What? Hi, is that you, pal? We're having steak. Are you a ghost, too? What, El? Get out of my way. I can't. I'm haunting this house. Haunting? Of course. I was a haunter all my life. I used to haunt lions and tigers in Africa. Well? So one day a big lion chased me. And what happened? I was killed. Oh. And here I am. I know. But what brought you to this house? Hey, once a haunter, always a haunter. Don't you get lonesome here? No, I'm a vicar. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Tom, baby. Yeah, I like him thin. Listen, Mr. Ghostberg. Mr. Ghostberg, please. Tell me how I can get out of this house, will you? Oh, you're leaving so soon? Yes, I'm going nuts. Well, I'll tell you what to do. Put down my bedsheets and walk right through that toy door. Why do I have to wear that sheet? Well, there only was ghosts out of here. So remember the password. If any other ghost is out of here, I'll tell you what to do. Put down my bedsheets and walk right through that toy door. If any other ghost stops you, just say, Herring, Herring, Herring. With onions? No, just plain Herring. All right, give me that sheet. Is that the door there? Yes. And remember, Herring is the password. Goodbye, Mr. Ghostberg, and thanks. So long, Spencer. Herring, Herring, Herring, I say, Herring, Herring. Why, Frank, Parker, Mary, what are you all doing here? You're some brave guy. What are you doing with that sheet? Hey, what's the idea of this, anyway? Well, this is Frank Black's house. We're all here to play a little joke on you. A joke on me? Yeah, sure. We were making all those noises in the other room. Oh, yeah, worry. You guys killed me. I knew it all that time. Play, Frank, the rat. At 23rd Pro, I'm on the 11th of March. Well, let's leave you now, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night. I hope you folks didn't think I was really fighting in that house. No. As if I didn't know they were kidding, you know? Hmm, still windy out. Well, Mary, come on, let's go. All right, Jack, we'll take that bed sheet off first. Good night, folks. This program has come to you through the courtesy of the motor car dealers in your community who represent the 1934 Chevrolet Six. This is the National Broadcasting Company.