 The Jack Benny program, presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that tastes better. Air blouse. It's a movie. Isn't it right, Hugh? That's a blouse. It's a mouth. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is. Words. Words. Meaningless words. Cigarette advertising fills the air with them. Claims. Claims. Claims. But how many facts? Now, this smokescreen of empty talk is swept away for the first time in cigarette history. Now, a month after month, continuing quality comparison, based on tests certified to be impartial, fair, and identical, proves Lucky Strike by a wide margin is the best made of the five principal brands of cigarettes. That's a fact, friends. Not a claim. A fact. Verified and documented by leading laboratory consultants of Richmond, Virginia. They report, it is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. Signed, Crawling and Robertson. Yes, friends, Lucky's are made better. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. No annoying use ends. A big reason why Lucky's taste better and never forget. LS, MFT. Lucky Strike means Pine Tobacco. There's no substitute for Pine Tobacco. Don't let anybody tell you different. Now, Crawling and Robertson. Isn't that right? That's an album of hemp. Now, that's what it is. That's an album of hemp. That's an album of hemp. So friends, don't be misled by claims and meaningless words. Remember the facts. Smoke the cigarette that tops the five principal brands for quality. Enjoy fine, mild, good-tasting tobacco in the cigarette that's made better. The cigarette that tastes better. Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky. Be happy, go Lucky Strike. Be happy, go Lucky Strike today. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Lincson, Phil Harris, Rochester, Devon Stain, and your C. Donwood. Gentlemen, many times in the past, we've shown you what happens before the Jack Benny broadcast goes on the air. Tonight, we'd like to show you what happens after a program is finished. So, let's get back to last week immediately after the program went off the air. That's enough. We're off. That's enough. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You were a wonderful audience. Okay, I sure you can close the curtains now. Say, Jack, I'm awfully sorry I missed that line of mine during the broadcast. Well, Don, these things happen sometimes, but fortunately, Mary was alert and read your line. I know, but I don't think it was believable when Mary said, Jack, how would you like to come with me to a Turkish bath? Well, all right, Don, so you made a mistake. I mean, don't worry about it. Oh, but Jack, I've been an announcer for so many years. I shouldn't make mistakes. Forget about it, Don. Do you forget about it? After all, Jackson ain't going to fire you. Of course not. Or cut your salary. Mary, you keep out of this. Don, I'll let it go this time. Oh, here, Mr. Benny, are you going to sign this? Hey, what's any sign of Dennis? My contract. He does it after every show. What? Jack, how come you've got Dennis on a week-to-week contract? Well, I'm getting older and he's afraid my voice might change. Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. What do you mean ashamed? That's just smart business. I mean, what good is he to me if his voice changes? After all, baritones are a dime a dozen. According to my salary, so are tenors. Never mind. Let's not get into any discussions. Your sign for next week's will be happy-go-lucky with that other thing they added today. Go-lucky backwards, it is. Now, kid, supposing we... I'll answer the poll, will you, Mary? Okay, Jack. It ain't the real telephone, Mr. Benny. I was just testing my sound equipment. Oh, are you getting ready for your next show, Gene? Yeah. I like to test all my sound effects out first to see if they're working. Hey, this is an interesting-looking gadget. What is it? Oh, this is how we make the sound of a body falling down a flight of stairs. Listen. What's this one here? Oh, that's a medieval torture rack. Here, show you how it works. What's this effect here? Oh, that's a guillotine that cuts off people's head. Hey, what is your next program? Life can be beautiful. Just listen to it. You know, all for heaven's sakes, Phil. What's about it, Jackson? Look out the way all your musicians are still sitting on the bandstand. The show is over. Get rid of them. I don't want to have to pay overtime again. Okay, okay. Gentlemen, by the power vested in me by James, he's a patrillo. I dismiss thee. Does that suit you? No, it doesn't suit me. Look how your musicians leave all their junk on the bandstand. I haven't come back here and cleaned up. Okay. Hey, fellas, come back here and carry out your music, your instruments, and rambling. You know, Phil, the trouble with you is you always think that- With them for another week. Nothing else to do here. I'm going to my dressing room, change clothes, and go home. Oh, say, Jack, just a minute. How would you like to go to a nightclub tonight? A nightclub? Yeah. You know, the sportsmen quartets appearing at Billy Gray's band box, and I thought it might be nice if we all went over there and had some fun. Hey, why don't we do that? Yeah, they got a swell show. Well... Oh, come on, Dad. Loosen up for once. Why don't you spend a little? Try it. It might be fun. I'll tell you why I'm so careful about how much I spend. It's because I work plenty hard for my money. So what? I spend, and Alice works hard, too. What about those sound effects? That wasn't a sound effect. I fell down the stairs. They got home. Oh, Jack, why don't you come to the band box? We'll have a lot of fun. Yeah, don't worry about the money, Dad. What? Come on along. We'll all chip in and pay your share. Look, nobody has to pay for me. I'll pay my own check, and what's more, I'll pay Mary's, too. Gee, I thought it was Dennis who fell downstairs. It was Dennis, and if he doesn't cut out the foolishness, there'll be another singer on this show. You can't fire me till my voice changes. Oh, yes. But look, if you're still a tenor, let me hear the song you're going to do on our next week's show, and then I won't have to bother listening to it later. Phil, can you get your orchestra back? Sure. Next round is on the house. Thank you, Phil. Sing, Dad. It'll be wonderful on our next week's show. Thanks, Mr. Penny. I'm glad you liked it. Because it's one of my favorite... Dennis, give me... I was only kidding. Oh. Look, Jack, if we're going to the band box, you better go to your dressing room and change. That's right, Jack. Then we can all go together. Okay, kids. I'll hurry. Wait for me. What happened? He opened the sound effects door, and I walked into the wall. Let him out of mischief, will ya, fellas? Gee, they're sure redecorating the studios. I like this new paint job they have in the hall. Hmm. Look at all those fingerprints on the wall. Can't understand it. Wet paint signs all over the place, and yet people have got to touch it. They just can't believe in signs. Hello, Rochester. Did you hear the show? Yeah, it was good, and... Thank you. Uh, you're ready for me to drive you home? I'm not going home, Rochester. The gang and I are going to the band box tonight. You going to a nightclub bonus? Uh-huh. With the home gang? Uh-huh. You want to put on another suit so you can say you forgot your money? Not that one, but I do have to change clothes. Come on, help me. Okay, I got it. I don't think I need a fresh one. I do. The weather's kind of damp, and the curls are all out of the one you're wearing. They shouldn't be. But all right, I'll change. Say, Boris, since you're not going home, can I have the night off? Remember, you've been promising me one for a long time. Oh, what was it you wanted to do? Get that appendicitis operation I need. All right, Rochester, but be home early. I'll tell the doctor. Call the nightclub and make a reservation. Say, Mabel, what is it that you chose? I wonder what Saturday's hero wants now. Yes, Mr. Benny, I'll try and get them immediately. He wants I should get him Billy Gray's band box. I wonder why. Say, I know. That's where the sportsman Cortetta's singing, and I'll bet he's going to try to get them to sing his song. Did Mr. Benny write his song? Yeah, didn't you know? No, what's the name of it? When you say I beg your pardon, poopsie, then I'll come back to you. It was when he sang it to me last night. Tell me you were going out with Jack last night. Well, he called me at the last minute, so I put on my new dress. You didn't tell me you had a new dress either. Well, it isn't exactly new. I bought it in that shop that sells clothes that used to belong to big stars. Gosh. Who did this dress belong to, Lana Turner? No, Milton Boyle. If it wasn't for your buck teeth, you'd have no figure at all. He liked me well enough to sing me his song. Imagine him writing his song. I thought he could after he tried to write short stories and sell them to the magazines. Why? What happened then? He found out that they paid a nickel a word so he made his hero stutter. Operator. Operator. I'm sorry. The band box number is busy. Oh, well, keep trying. Get it when you get it. Make a reservation to my name for a party of five. Yes, sir. Thank you. Oh, Charlie. Yes, Mr. Laws? Jack Benny called and made a reservation for a party of five. Will you set up a table? Yes, sir. How about that table over there? Oh, that's too close to the exit. What do you mean? Well, the last time he was here, when the check came, he lit a match, and that was the last we saw of him. I'll say one thing, we didn't have any trouble getting the money for Mr. Harris. You didn't? No, we just reached under the table and took it out of his wallet. Oh, here comes Mr. Benny and his party now. I better go set the table. Good evening, Mr. Benny. Your table is ready. This way, please. Thank you. Come on, kid. Hey, you go first, Liv. Okay. Here's your table, folks. Thank you. I'll have the waiter here in a moment. Good. Oh, Jack, isn't that wonderful music for dancing? It sure is. But, Mary, you're the only girl, and there are four fellas, so you'll have to dance with all of us. Oh, certainly, Jack. Good. Dennis. Huh? Dennis, would you like to have the first dance? Oh, no, thanks. I'd rather dance with Mary. Mary, I'll dance with you first. Okay. You know, I like dancing with you, Mary. Oh, thanks, Jack. When we're dancing and you're dangerously near me, I get ideas. I get ideas. Oh, Dad, come now. Well, I don't care. I like to dance with you, Mary. You know, you haven't changed a bit since the day I took you out of the make, honey. Oh, yes, I have. I'm much thinner. Oh, yeah. Maybe I ought to give you a raise, huh? But no kidding. Whoops. Say, Mistress, why don't you watch where you're dancing? Jack, we're the only ones on the floor. That must have been me. Jack, come on. Let's go back to the table. What's the matter, Mary? Don't you like to dance with me? Uh, my feet are too small for both of us. All right, let's sit down. Hey, kids, did you order yet? Oh, we're waiting for you, Mary. Oh, waiter. Waiter? Yeah. We'll... We don't use no menus here. No menus? And how do we know what food order? You name it, we got it. Awesome prime ribs of beef. We ain't got no prime ribs. Some Southern fried chicken. We ain't got no chicken. How about steak? We ain't got no steak. Pork chops? No. Roast lamb? Wait a minute. You said if we name it, you got it. You ain't manned it yet. Anytime I go someplace, I always have trouble. Quiet. The floor show is going to start. Oh, yes. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is your master of ceremonies when he can welcome you to the band club. And before we start our show tonight, I want to tell you a funny thing that happened here way to the club. You know, I was walking down the street and a panhandler stopped me and said, hey, bud, can you spare me $2,000 for a boat trip to Brazil? That's a $2,000 for a boat trip to Brazil. Well, you know, most panhandlers just ask for a cup of coffee. He said, that's what I want. I like to drink it fresh. Say, Mary, this guy is good. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I look around the audience, I see someone I'm sure all is familiar to. Oh, God, if this always happens. A gentleman you all love and respect. Well, I'll just take a quick bow and sit down and sit. A gentleman you welcome to your home every week. Your television repairman, Joe Gallagher. And now, to continue what I show. Hey, yo, bad boy. Jack, sit down. Gee, I thought Shuri was going to introduce me. Oh, well. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the next act is a real treat. We have with us the famous sportsman Quartet, who will now do a number dedicated to their boss, Jack Benson. That's better. A sportsman got to dedicate their song to you. I know, I know. Quiet, everybody. When you start a pub, you will like it, sure enough. Better tasting, too. Fine tobacco, true and true. The tea or mother is true. Take a tip for me. Lionel Simmons. I would really give them a dime just to have another ride. Pretty good, wasn't it, Mary? The way they sang about me. Yeah. Well, your eyes are beautiful. I know. Your offer didn't even name me in the first ten. Imagine. Oh, I was supposed to get here. I'm hungry. Me, too. I wonder what they're going to do. Dennis. Dennis, what are you doing? Shh. I'm going to give Phil a hot foot. Oh, is he down there already? We've only been here long enough for one dance. Mr. Danny. Huh? I had no idea you were here in person until the Quartet sang that number to you. Would you mind giving me your autograph? My autograph, certainly. It's not for me. It's for my sister. Oh. She thinks you're wonderful. She does? That's why I'm getting your autograph for her. It'll make her so happy. Thank you. Personally, I like spade cool eggs. Look, Miss, do you want my autograph? I'm getting it for my sister. I know, I know. She thinks you're the funniest thing on radio. Thank you. All day long, she goes around seeing that lousy song you wrote. Look, Miss, I didn't send for you. You came over and asked for my autograph. It's not for her. It's for her sister. I know who it's for. Miss, what's your sister's name? Dog Mar. You mean Dag Mar. Don't tell me what my sister looks like. Don't go away and don't bother me, will you? Hey, kids, here comes the food. Just look at the size of that tray. One side, please. Step aside, please. Heads up. Gee, I better move over before I... Jack! Jack! Jack, are you hurt? No, I'm not hurt, but look at me. My suit is ruined. That waiter did this on purpose. I did not. You've got my shoulder, my feet went up from underneath. Well, it's your old fault for wearing slippery shoes. What shoes? I'm barefoot. Barefoot? In the second show, I throw a hole at that. What? I want to go back and throw my little fresh act. Enough of you. I'm going to call Mr. Lewis. Mr. Lewis ain't here. He just left. Well, I'm going to talk to the major D. Oh, Captain. Captain. Captain? Captain? Well, who do you think I am mixing this salad? Caesar? Never mind that. Just look at me. Look at my suit. Meat and potatoes and gravy all over. The next time you come in, we'll give you a bib. I need a bib. This waiter spilled all his food on me. Well, accidents will happen. Accident? Nothing. He did it on purpose. Good. Now, look, I never mind. Just look at my suit. See? You are a man. Yeah. With all that gravy on you, I'll wipe it off. Not with a piece of bread. For heaven's sake. Captain, just wipe him off with a napkin so we can go home. Certainly. Hold still, Mr. Benny. If that does the coat, now for the pants. Now, don't forget my shoes. Oh, yes, your shoes. There. Now, Charlie, hand me the scissors. Scissors? As long as you have that bowl on your head, I might as well give you a haircut. Haircut? That's ridiculous. Mary, keep out of this. Charlie, hand me your magazine. Not too much off the side, Captain. When we're dancing and you're dancing in near me, I get ideas. I get ideas, gentlemen. Tonight, through carelessness, a fire could start. Don't let it happen. Be on guard constantly against fire. Make sure every match, every cigarette is put out. Always check the ashtrays before leaving the house or retiring for the night. Observe all fire regulations. Remember, only you can prevent fires. Thank you. Back with us in just a moment. The first... Lucky's taste better. Yes, Lucky's taste better. And one big reason, they're made better. Dramatic new proof has just been revealed that Proof's Lucky Strike is the best made of the five principle brands of cigarettes. This is not a claim, but a fact. Verified by leading laboratory consultants of Richmond, Virginia, who report, it is our conclusion that Lucky Strike is the best made of these five major brands. Signed, Proling and Robertson. Yes, this authentic new proof sweeps away the smoke screen of claims made for other cigarettes. Now, Proof is absolutely hitting the right hub now. That's a loud mouth. That's what we think. That's a loud mouth. That's a loud mouth. So friends, don't be misled by meaningless claims. Remember the facts. Remember, LSMFT, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Remember, Lucky's are made better. Remember, Lucky's taste better. That's it. That's it. Be happy. Go Lucky. Because Lucky's taste better. Be happy. Go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike today. Ladies and gentlemen, Sunday is fun day on CBS. You'll hear such great comedy shows as Amit's and Andy, my friend Irma, and our Miss Brooks.