 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. Your enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevalet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert Norris, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharpeness music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Because of circumstances beyond their control, many people have missed the opportunity to go to college. That happened to Phil, but tonight he gets his chance at a higher education. More about that later. First a word from RCA Victor. Every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television, because year after year, the big advances in television come from RCA Victor. And now for 1953, RCA Victor brings you a complete new line of television. The whole new line of 23 models is five ways finer. First, there's a new automatic magic monitor. This advanced circuit system automatically screens out static, automatically ties the best sound to the clearest picture. Second, new realism is added to the picture you receive thanks to RCA's improved deep image picture tube. Third, each set gives new long distance reception. Fourth, RCA Victor brings you its new advanced VHF-UHF tuner, optional at modest extra cost. This automatic multi-channel tuner is proved to have twice the sensitivity of many other tuners. And fifth, you have a choice of 42 different combinations of cabinet styles and finishes. The greatest variety in RCA Victor history. Yes, again this year, the big advances in TV are yours with RCA Victor. And yet, prices still start at only $199.95. $199.95. That's the budget low price of the Wayne, big 17-inch television in a Hansen table model cabinet. Tomorrow, ask your dealer to show you why this set and every new RCA Victor is five ways finer for 53. And for expert installation and service, ask about an RCA Victor factory service contract. The stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. In Rapid City, South Dakota, there is a certain Indian named Andrew Fasthorse who claims to be Phil's cousin. And for the past three weeks, he's been taking Phil for quite a bit of money. And now as we look in on the Harris home, Phil has just received another package from his so-called cousin, Andrew. Oh, Phil, did you send away for another package from that chiseler, Andrew Fasthorse? Andrew is not a chiseler. He's not, huh? He sold you on the idea that you're the last of the Mohicans. And now every week, he sends you another package of Indian junk and charges you $50 or $75 for it. So far, you've spent $750. It wasn't junk. It was money well spent. Where else could I have gotten a genuine Buffalo Hyde lounging pajamas for only $65? Yes, that was a buy. Now, what did you send away for this time and how much did this bundle cost you? Well, I don't know what's in it, but it was worth every penny of the $100 that cost me. You sent him $100 and you don't know what's in it? No, honey, this is the Fasthorse Special. This is the big giant Mohican surprise package. Gee whiz, I can't wait to see what's in this one. This is going to be a dandy. Oh, honey, look what cousin Andrew sent me this time. A whole box of assorted items. Look at all these things. What are they? A pair of feathered bicycle clips. A can of concentrated smoke for sending smoke signals. A book of instructions on how to bribe a lacrosse player. And, honey, look at this. Oh, just what you needed. A dozen beaded matzah balls. Them ain't matzah balls. They're candied buffalo bonbons. They're delicious with a glass of Mohican muscatel. Bill, why don't you just send that stuff back? There isn't anything in here worth over a nickel. Oh, there ain't, huh? There's something that's worth over $100 in itself right here. This is truly a collector's item. Andrew says it's the only one of its kind in existence. What is it? It's the only picture ever taken of sitting bull standing up. Oh, the lube would give anything for this. All right, all right, Bill. Is there anything else in that Indian grab bag? Oh, wait a minute. I'll see. Uh-oh. Oh, goodie. Andrew sent me my Mohican birth certificate. This proves I'm a Mohican. Hey, wait a minute. There's a note attached to it, too. I'll read it to you. It says, Dear Chief with Red Eyes and Staggering Feet. That must be my Indian nickname. By this time you have opened your giant Mohican surprise package and are overwhelmed by your prizes. However, if for any reason you are dissatisfied with the contents, please feel free to return the package and your money will be cheerfully. And now, Dear Cousin... Hold it, Bill. Your money will be cheerfully what? He doesn't say. Andrew can be very vague at times. Now, let's see what else he's got to say here. Oh, yeah. And now, Dear Cousin, for my Mohican message of the week. In my efforts to aid the Indian, I have uncovered a piece of information that will better the lot of you, my fellow Red Men. Many years ago, the Mohican tribe gave a piece of land in New Hampshire to the white man, on which they built Dartmouth. In return, the white man guaranteed that any member of the Mohican tribe who wished to go to Dartmouth would be admitted free of charge. Oh, did you hear that? I can go to Dartmouth in New Hampshire free of charge. Oh, isn't this wonderful? Funny, I could...wait a minute, I'll get that. Gee whiz, this is wonderful news. I think this could happen to me, a barefoot Mohican boy. Hi, Curly. Hey, Elliot, am I glad to see you. I just got sensational news for you. The greatest thing just happened to me, guess what? You found out where Alice hides her money. No, that's one secret she's going to take with her to the happy hunting ground. No, Elliot, I've just found out that being the last of the Mohicans, I'm entitled to go to Dartmouth for nothing. Isn't that exciting? Oh, Curly. This is the most thrilling bit of news I've heard since this morning's frost warning. Oh, did you know there's smudge potting in Pomona tonight? I said all right, all right. Why are you so excited about being able to go to Dartmouth? Why? Because Dartmouth is the greatest, well, it's the newest, it's undoubtedly the largest... Yeah? You ain't gonna give me a hint, huh? You just gonna stand there and let me make a dope of myself? Curly, how can you get excited about going someplace when you don't know where you're going? Oh, I know where I'm going. I just don't know what it is I'm going to. I better tell you, Dartmouth is a college. What? A college? Mm-hmm. Oh, that double crossing, Andrew. I thought it was at least a new racetracker of brewery. You know, this is the first dishonest thing that that Andrew has ever done to me. He's really a college. Curly, why don't you take advantage of this offer and go to college? You know, an education wouldn't hurt you. I don't need it. I happen to be a college graduate. You're a college graduate? That's right, and I got a lot of degrees. I'm a B.A., an M.A., and a FUD. A FUD? Yeah. Ph.D. B. FUD. That wasn't hard, was it? I can see that you ain't never been to no college. Are you kidding? I want a scholarship to a bartender's school. Go to old Mickey Finn University. I majored in martinis and graduated summa cum laude. You can get down now. I'll never forget my old dean. Think of Dr. Hoffman. Elliott, you never went to college any more than I did. All right, I'll stop if you will. Curly, what makes you think you can go to college for nothing? Well, just look at this letter I just got from Andrew Fasthorst. It explains the whole thing. Read it. Let me see. Hmm, very interesting. Hey, Curly, you're going to take advantage of this offer and go to Dartmouth? No. Now that I know it's a college, I ain't interested. Did you read this letter all the way through? No, you interrupted me. Let me finish it for you. Not only does Dartmouth College agree to furnish any Mohican with free tuition, but it also agrees to furnish each Indian with a court of whiskey every semester. Well, what's that got to do with what I'm trying to... Would you mind repeating that last beautiful phrase? They agree to furnish you with a court of whiskey every semester. What do you say to that, Curly? Ra-ra-ra! This boom-ba! Here I come, Dartmouth, so open your bar! Bar? Yes, bar. Bar. I'm a poor little lamb who has lost my way. Bar! Bar! You know something, Elliot? I feel that every American boy should have a college education. You know something you're right, Curly? Oh, feel like... Oh, hello, Elliot. Hi, Alice. Did Joe College tell you about his chance to go to Dartmouth? Yeah, he told me. Can you imagine him going to college? Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you ever heard? All right, all right. When you two get through laughing, Alice, you go up and pack my bags. I'm on my way. Put in my raccoon coat, my ukulele, my textbooks, my dictionary, and a shot glass. And a shot... You're not serious about going to college. I certainly am. Every man should have a good education. But, Phil... No buts. I'm going back east to college, and I may be gone for quite a while. What do you mean? I'm taking a special course in Bottleology. It's a very stiff subject. How long will this course take? Four years or six hundred quarts, whichever he finishes first. I know what you two are talking about, but you're not leaving home to go away to school, Phil. Well, why not? I couldn't let you go away from home. After all, dear, you're just a sweet, innocent little old man. Besides, who would take care of you? And where would you live? Well, that's sweet of you, but you don't have to worry about me, honey. I'll get a nice clean room in a sorority house and live there. And don't bother to correct me. I know what I'm saying. I'm getting you out of my side, Junior. Alice, I've made up my mind to go to Dartmouth, and there's no use arguing because I'm going. It's going to feel good to be a schoolboy again. You know, Elliot, when I get to college, I might take up my old sport. Necking? No, I'm not in condition for that. But wind is gone. I'm going to take up the sport I was champed at. Javelin throwing. You were a javelin throw? And a dying good one, buddy. I used to take that javelin and rear back on one foot and... Wait a minute, I'll show you. Alice, hand me that mop. Oh, please, Bill, the mop is wet. I ain't going to throw it. I just want to show him my form. Let me have it. Thanks. Look, Elliot. Mm-hmm. I used to take it by the handle like this, and then I'd rear back, take two steps forward, and let it go straight. It slips! Anybody home? Practicing my old sport. You see, I'm going to college. I'm going to Dartmouth to win his letter. You see, he's a big athlete. Tell him about it, Phil. Gladly. You see, kid, when I was younger, I was a great athlete. I was the one who used to come in. Oh, you don't have to tell him. I read all about in the papers when you won the Olympic title. He won an Olympic title? In what sport? He was face-joke on the tug-of-war team. Oh, was he the one who won the Olympic title? He was face-joke on the tug-of-war team. Oh, was he the one who brought the cup back to the States? All right, you two, break it up, will you? Mr. Harrisie. Boy. You're darn right. You can't be a college boy. You ain't got a hot rod. I don't need no... I should have a hot rod with a foxtail. Never use. How about Dartmouth in it? Hey, that'd be nice to drive across the country in. Or it's a souped-up job. It'll go a hundred miles an hour. A hundred miles an hour? Yeah, I can see you speeding along in this... Hey, Julius, if I tried to drive that car, I'd speed. The mess! I think I'll take the train. No, Bill, I don't think you ought to go to college. Miss May, you don't have to worry. He's taking it to college. He didn't even go to high school. I did too. I was an honor student. I'll admit I didn't finish high school, but it wasn't my fault. I was there for three weeks when something came up and I had to quit. What came up? My marriage to Alice. Well, Ella was inconvenient for Alice. She was a movie star at the time and every morning on the way to the studio she had to drop me off at school and then in the afternoon she had to pick me up and... Well, it was conflicting, so rather than have Alice give up her job, I gave up my education. What a noble sacrifice! He became stupid. But wealthy. What do you mean I can't go to college? You can't get in... I... I can't? Oh, gee whiz. I had my heart set on going to college. Now I can't go. Look, if you're so set on going to college, I know a guy who'll print you up before my high school diploma. Before? Mm-hmm. What guy? My friend Grogan. Grogan? I thought all he printed was counterfeit money. Not anymore. He's gone legit. He can make your high school diploma. You can't tell from the real thing. You mean you can't... Can't tell? You're kidding. No, I'm not kidding. Well, then what are we standing here for? Let's go see him. It's gonna cost you a little money. I don't care. It'll be worth it. I'll stop at the bank first and get some money and then we'll go over and see Grogan. This'll fix everything. All right. So long, Alice. I'll see you later. Oh, Bill! Don't you dare! Julius, he's gonna do it. I've got to stop him. Let him go! Where'd he get this idea of going to college anyway? Oh, he got another letter from that Andrew Fasthorse in Rapid City. He's still being taken by that Indian hustler? Yes. Yes, and if there were only some way I could make Phil realize that Andrew was a fake, I... Wait a minute. She must have an idea. I see an electric light bulb flashing over her head. I know a way to discredit that Andrew Fasthorse. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to beat Mr. Harris down to Grogan. Well, I'll drive you over, Miss Faith, providing you sing for me on the way down. What do you want me to sing? Well, I ain't got no horn on my truck, and I got a horn to pedestrian some way. I get the darnedest request. Come along along and love suddenly, every dream you've had becomes invited. Come along along and love suddenly, every dream you've had becomes ignited. You just begin to live. Come along and love. Come along and love suddenly, though you never sang, you're always singing. Come along and love come along and love suddenly, chimes you never heard before keep bringing. Comes along a love, suddenly nights day your heart is high and flinging You love, each day you live, comes along a love Carehouse, blue York, anti-bubble, siege blooper double Comes along a love, suddenly many things no longer seem to fade Comes along a love, suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you Comes along a love, suddenly you discover things that just amaze you You just begin to live, comes along a love Comes along a love, suddenly petty little things no longer fade Comes along a love, suddenly everyone around you seems to praise you Comes along a love, suddenly you discover things that just amaze you You just begin to live, and really love, each day you live Comes along a love Phony high school diplomas or not, they might be able to tell it at Dartmouth and if it's a fake they're gonna throw me out Curly, I assure you nobody can tell Grogan's work from the real thing This stuff is, yeah, here's the shop, let's go in No Elliot, I've never done a dishonest thing in my life and I'm not gonna start now, I'm not gonna buy anything here I'll leave them Touch that door knob and you're a dead Mohican There's something about his sales talk that I can't resist Hello Grogan Honey gents, welcome to the old village forgery Just what can I do for you? Well, I've come in to buy a phony You have come to the right place Hey, what do you have in mind? He wants a diploma, do you have any in stock? Well certainly, of course, we have just stepped right over to our bogus sheepskin department It's across the aisle from the watered stock certificate county He carries a complete selection of worthless merchandise Well, here are our diplomas and me, I suggest this one A diploma from the Marble Slab School of Medicine Now this one costs $4, but it's worth it because it gives you the right to do brain surgery You hanged Look, I don't want to be a surgeon, Grogan Hands too shaky, huh? Well, I have another college diploma that I'm from Well, Grogan, will you listen to me? I just want a high school diploma A high school diploma? Harris, you ain't gonna go out of here stupid You are gonna have a college diploma I tell you, I don't need a college diploma I'm actually going to college Oh, you are Oh, well in that case, I can let you have a phony scholarship to a great college Yes, sir, how would you like to go to Smirnoff University in Moscow? I don't think so No, Smirnoff, this is a great university, you know Because not only do you get a free scholarship, you see But every other semester, they finish you with a quart of vodka I got a better deal going for me at Dartmouth Hey, look, Harris, I ain't got no time to waste with you because I got a big order of phony bite certificate to send to a customer of mine in Rapid City, South Dakota Well, I don't want to hear your troubles, I don't care to... Rapid City, South Dakota? Yeah That's a coincidence I got a cousin living there named Andrew Fasthorst Well, that's a coincidence because that's my customer Your customer? Yeah, yeah, this Andrew always got a great racket going for him He gets in touch with the suckers who think they got some Indian blood, you see And he sells them on the idea that they are the last of the Mohicans Oh, no Oh, no This can't be true No, wait a minute, don't tell me I printed up 3,000 Mohican bite certificates for him last week Don't believe me, Harris, I'll prove it to you I have one of the Mohican bite certificates right here in my pocket That's a coincidence, he's got one in his pocket too Oh, no, Harris You don't mean that you were taken in by this Fasthorst guy All right, Grogan, don't mention his name to me again He told me that I'm a Mohican and now I find out I'm not Oh, this is awful, now I can't go to Dartmouth This is the worst thing that Andrew has ever done to me He humiliated you, Curly, and I don't blame you for getting mad That ain't what I'm mad at I'm getting gypped out of a quarter whiskey every semester So what, so you don't get a quarter whiskey every six months? Six months? Is that what a semester is? I thought it meant every time the bell rang Well, come on, Elliot, the heck would be in an Indian I'm doing better as a pale face Go on, Grogan Ha, ha, ha, it works like a charm You come out of that back room now, Miss Faith Oh, Mr. Grogan, you were wonderful Well, yeah, yeah I heard every word you said and you really convinced Phil that Andrew is a phony Well, I did just like he asked me to And I was glad to do it because I hate to see honest people taken by chisels Well, how can I ever thank you? By giving me a hundred dollars You're charging me a hundred dollars? Yeah Oh, well, it was worth it Here's your money Oh, by the way, I'll write you out a receipt Received from Alice Faye Harris, one hundred dollars Signed Rodney J. Grogan Here Thank you, Mr. Grogan Goodbye It's a nice girl Well, the disappearance should disappear from that receipt in about ten minutes And I can go around and collect again The RCA estate range is the symbol of fine cooking to millions of homemakers And for 1953, the new RCA estate range brings you new conveniences New adventures in cooking On the range top, there's the hideaway griddle that grills perfectly Avoids the grease of fried food And in a matter of seconds, this wonderful griddle converts to a huge fifth unit That's so handy for canning and pressure cooking But the RCA estate range offers much more There's a radiant heat meat oven for barbecuing And while the barbecuer prepares your meats You can bake your pastries and casseroles in a separate balanced heat oven That operates automatically Here's the range for your home The range you'll find in Duncan Hine's own kitchen See both the gas and electric RCA estate They're the ranges that can grill, bake and barbecue all at once This is Phil again The Reserve Officers Association believes that national security Depends upon a military establishment of both regular and reserve forces Each in the proportion required by the needs of the times The Armed Forces Reserve Act of 1952 prescribes rights and privileges As well as responsibilities for every young man of our country For information on the New Armed Forces Reserve Act Right to Reserve Officers Association, Connecticut Avenue, Washington, 8 DC Thanks everyone and good night Good night everybody Included in this program transcribed were Sheldon Leonard The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley The character Andrew Fasthorse was created by and is used under license from Richard English You'll really enjoy the latest Hugo Winterhalter album It's called That Winterhalter Magic In this new RCA Victor album The Winterhalter Orchestra and Chorus delight you with their musical talents In a variety of selections Including Blue Tango, Beyond the Blue Horizon and the Mule Driver Listen to all eight tunes in the new album That Winterhalter Magic at your RCA Victor record dealers tomorrow The album is only $2.80 on new 45 extended play records $3 on long play Next, hear Theatre Guild on the Air over NBC