 The makers of Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Fasquale. Wrigley Spearman Chewing Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So the makers of refreshing, delicious Wrigley Spearman Gum are glad to bring you life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his mama basco in it. Dear mama mummy, here is your last letter. You ask what to make me happiness in my new country, America. Well, there's lots of things, but I think for me, the best part is when I'm a close-up in my little antique shop every night, I'm going to my night to school class and I see my teacher misbalding. Here's the most wonderful combination of mama mia, American education and a beautiful teacher. Oh, she's so beautiful, blue eyes like the sea, blonde hair, pearly white teeth, and when she's tell a class, pay attention to me, she's never got asked twice. How do we learn so much in a school? There's a talk about a politic, a taxes, a cold water, hot water, boundary lines in Europe, Asia and the current events. This is where the class is to take a 10 minutes and figure out what's wrong with the world. Then we figure out how to fix it up. That's to take a little longer. 15 minutes. Then we study a little subject like a spelling, which is to show us how stupid we are and that we didn't know what we were talking in the first place. It is nice to go to school, and I think everybody in America likes it, especially little kids. Only yesterday, I heard some little boys say, hey, Joe, don't you wish it was a summer? You see, mama mia, it's now October and those kids, they can hardly wait to start their summer school. Only person I know who doesn't like school is my countryman Pasquale. Poor Pasquale. He's 25 years in America, and the only thing he can read is his menu. And that's only because he wrote it. And nobody else can read it. Always I'm telling him Pasquale, school is a good thing. You should go there and learn a few things. And always Pasquale is the answer me. Shut up, you big trap. Who's Pasquale? Keep quiet. Can you see I'm trying to add up these numbers out of my bank statement? Let me see. Three, seven, 15, 34. Shove it down to four. Take it to three upstairs. Check them up. Uh-huh. Is it come out of $285.76? Check them up. And how does it come out of $285.76? Pasquale, what's the kind of school you learn to figure out like that? The UPS is a public school. To me, it's a Pasquale. My own school. What's the difference? How do I figure? The bank is always right anyway. I just like them to know I'm watching them so they don't take any chances. Yeah, but Pasquale, wouldn't it be better if you went to school and really learned it? Sure. Then I really go crazy. Statement that comes in and I start to figure. I'm a short penny. Takes me all the day to find that penny. Luigi, who's the smarter? The smarter guy who's a figure in old day or Pasquale who's taking an apple? Yeah, but in a school you learn a lot of things. Look, little banana nose. That's the way to learn is from experiences. All right, Pasquale, from your experiences, who would you say was the first president of America? Benjamin Franklin. Wrong or was it George Washington? Luigi, was it you there when it happened? No. Then it's your word against the mind. Don't tell me what's right and wrong in this education. I know more in my big head than you got in your little pinky. What do you want? Look at all the mistakes you made on the menu today. Well, let me see. No, give me a touch. I want to look. Never mind that. Pasquale, look, look at how you spell the spaghetti. You left out the etch. Spaghetti? Is it got an etch in it? Sure. Is it got an etch on it? You don't hear it. When somebody eats a spaghetti in a my restaurant, you hear everything. Rosa, take the menu and put it back on the table just the way it is. All right, Papa. You see, Pasquale, you see, how you think it's going to look to the customers when they read the menu and everything is a spell they're on? Luigi, my customers don't get indigestion from the spellers. They get it from the food. Ah, no, come again. I'm tired of hearing you talk so much about education. Then why are you going to come with me tonight to my class? Huh, Pasquale? Because I want to show you how stupid you are. I aim to go. That's another thing you would learn. You never say ain't. What? If I ain't got something, how are you going to know I ain't got it unless I say I ain't got it? Pasquale, the correct grammar is I haven't got it. Who? Who? Listen to who's talking to King George. All right, all right. I must say I don't have got it. Haven't got it. Haven't got it. Good. I'm a donor having a got it the way I'm going to get it. What? Well, I didn't have it before. Pasquale, saying it doesn't get it. All right, then I ain't got it. Come on, my man. Come on, come to school with me just once. Never. I'm going to let you sit right next to my teacher, Miss Pauline. Never. Oh, you should see how beautiful she is. Never. The most beautiful girl you ever saw. Blue eyes, blonde hair. Never, never, never. All right, class. You'll come to attention, please. Well, I see we have a visitor. Hello, Mr. Pasquale. How do you do, Mrs. Pauline? Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko. Here. Mr. Howard. Here. Mr. Olson. Mr. Schultz. What's the difference? Why, Mr. Schultz, what do you mean by that remark? I see Pasquale is here in school tonight and that weakens my whole faith in American education. Oh, is that a sound, Mr. Delicatessen, a man? Yeah, that's all you spaghetti salesman. Please, gentlemen, please. Please, Miss Pauline. Miss Pauline was my idea, so I'm better explained. I'm abroad to Pasquale with me tonight, so he could see what we're doing in school. Boy, I think that's a splendid idea. Welcome to our little class, Mr. Pasquale. Thank you, Mr. Spaulding. Don't be nervous, everybody, because I'm here. As far as you is concerned, I'm just an impartial observatory. Observatory? Pasquale, did you say observatory? That's a matter, Schultz. You never heard of such a big 35-cent-a-word before? Mr. Spaulding, tell me quick. Is his ignorance contagious? Pasquale, I hate to bother him, but when you're wrong, you should admit observatory was not the right word. Yeah, and observatory is a place where you go to see the stars. Oh, yes, and then watch the movies of fall. Miss Spaulding sheets him out before he gets us all for shimmers. Yes, Schultz, Schultz, a drink. Now, class, you're not being polite to our guest. Mr. Pasquale, I hope you'll excuse them. They meant no harm. That's all right, Mr. Spaulding. As a taxpayer, I'm a pay-in for these fellow's education. But they don't behave, and next year they can all sit at home. Why couldn't I have fallen into an open manhole on my way to school? Let's get on with our lesson, class. Your assignment for today was civics. Mr. Pasquale, you may tell us some of the powers of the federal government. All right, federal government is allowed to regulate the commerce, take charge of fund affairs, taking new states, putting up with the money. Print up with the money? Luigi, even a doper knows that the bank can make sort of money. Now, after you use it, you'll play in a common sense of which you ain't a god like I got. Mr. Pasquale, Mr. Pasquale, Mr. Bascoe was correct. The government prints the money? That's right. Well, it's the way I meant it. I told them. I mean... Pasquale, what's eyes done scoff to you take? Now, class, please, let's not be too critical of Mr. Pasquale. After all, yes. You should have more than to try and correct, Luigi. Down the talk is so big, Schultz. Anything Luigi learns is from a box. What he's learned in the two years from the box I can learn in one week. What? Pasquale, that's not the truth. In the first place, education... In the first place, education is a bigger thing. Listen, Luigi, I bet you anything you want, that in one week I can learn more education than you did in the two years. All right, then, how much do you want to bet? Now, please, let them talk, Mr. Bascoe. Well, Pasquale, put up the money or shut up. What are you talking about? Luigi's got no money, but I'm going to make him bet just to make him the life of the stock of the neighborhood. How are you going to do this, Pasquale? I'm going to take home the school of books. I'm going to read them. Next week, this time, Mr. Spaulder gives us both the test. If you lose a Luigi, you don't have to pay me no money. What, then, am I paying you? Not too much. All you've got to do is to wash the dishes in my restaurant for six months. Oh! And what if I'm a winner? Which won't happen. But if you do, I'll give you the dishwasher in my restaurant and you're never going to have to wash the dishes again. What do you say? Take his block, Luigi. Oh, he deserves to lose his dishwasher, man. Yimini. Would I like to see him with dishpan hands to match his dishpan face? Hey, Miss Spaulding. Hey, Miss Spaulding. What do you think? Well, all right. Here are the school books, Mr. Pasquale. A week from tonight, you'll both take a test which I shall prepare. Wait, wait. Luigi didn't say yes yet. Mr. Pasquale, you better say goodbye to your dishwasher. Oh, yes. Well, listen to me, Mr. Know-it-all. I'm going to make you look so stupid the next week, don't be surprised that they deport you back to the kindergarten. Before we return to Life with Luigi, I'd like to drop in a word about delicious Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum. You know, folks, Wrigley's Spearmint Gum is one taste treat you can enjoy almost any time and anywhere. Whether you're indoors or outdoors, working, sitting in a movie or at your radio or television set, you can slip a stick of Wrigley's Spearmint into your mouth and enjoy some pleasant chewing. The flavor's refreshing, and the chewing adds a bit of extra enjoyment to whatever you're doing. So keep a package of Wrigley's Spearmint Chewing Gum handy all the time. It's an enjoyable treat you can carry right with you. And now let's turn to page two of Luigi Basco's letter to his mother in Italy. So, ma'am, ma'am here. Pasquale's got five or more days to study and prove that he can learn in one week what I'm learning in two years. I'm poor at Pasquale. I'm worried about him. He's trying to push us so much stuff in his head I think he's going to bust him. Yesterday I was getting afraid for him. So I walked over while he was reading a book and I said, Pasquale, you want me to help you? And he said, I don't need your help. Yeah, but maybe we're going to study together. Pasquale, you know what they say. Two heads is better than a one. Then come back when you got two heads. Pasquale, you know it's impossible that you should have learned it so quick. Why does it take me so long to learn? That's the way you're going to find out a different. Luigi, I might not know Einstein and his relatives. But you're soon going to see you find out that Pasquale's got a head that can soak up information like a sponge. That's right, Pasquale. I'm agree with you. You're the biggest sponge I've ever known. That's a funny thing. When I'm saying it, it's come out a different. Look, Luigi, if you come in here to beg me, I should have called off this test. You wasted your time because the next week are you going to be in my kitchen and washing in my dishes. All right, Pasquale. If that's the way you feel, I'm not going to be happy to take away your dishwasher. Put it, Pasquale. Is there anything? I'm going to hate to make him look like a fool. He'll reach you, my fellow boob. We was waiting for you. We thought we could help you review some yen. No, no, no. Thank you, Shilson. But I'm done. I really need it. It's a Pasquale. Luigi, quick. When was the Declaration of Independence signed? 1776. When was the Revolutionary War? 1775. The Civil War. 1861 to 1965. Am I right, Shilson? How should I know? Ask Olsen. Oh, that was perfect, Luigi. You don't have to story much to be Pasquale. Hello, boys. Say, I just passed Pasquale's store, and guess what? Don't tell me Pasquale's brain exploded. No, no. I saw somebody walking in there, and I think Pasquale hired himself a dooter. A dooter? Luigi, did you hear that? Uh-huh. Olsen, did you hear that? Pasquale hired himself a dooter. Oh. Horrible water dooter. A dooter's like a public school teacher, only it's private. Oh, God, screaming Pasquale. He couldn't get anything into his head by himself, so he got somebody else to bush it in. Who's going to teach him, Horowitz? Luigi. You know that smart little kid, Richard? You know the one with the horn-rimmed glasses? Uh-huh. But you think Richard could teach Pasquale enough so he should win? No, no, of course not. Still, I don't like it. Those modern kids today, who knows what they could do? Uh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, into my head. An idea just pooped. I'm going to fix that Pasquale, God. Can I please the show, sir? I'm going to do nothing against the Pasquale. I'm going to win the fair and cross, Luigi. Well, I'm going to see you all later. Goodbye. Come here. Come over here. Look through the window. Pasquale is sitting by the front table in his restaurant. Yeah. And that kid, Richard, he's got a book. Please, Mr. Pasquale, try to concentrate and remember. And don't give me common sense. Give me the facts. Look, Richard, I'm paying you to be my tutor. Now, don't be so smart. Just a toot. Yes, sir. What year was the Spanish Armada? Spanish Armada. Let me see. That was a way before your time, Richard. Yes, it was. Then why you want to find out? The Spanish Armada was in 1588, Mr. Pasquale. Philip II of Spain sent 132 ships and 33,000 soldiers to England. But they were all destroyed by Drake's attacks and by storms. You know something, kid? I couldn't make a fortune with you on quiz programs. What's the use? I'm never going to be able to learn all this stuff in a one week. Just a minute, Richard. I'll get the telephone. Hello? Mr. Pasquale, this is Spaghetti Palace speaking. Mr. Pasquale, this is Richard's mother, Mrs. Lewis. Would you please send my Richard home? Mrs. Lewis, you happen to know what year was the Spanish Armada? Yes. Mrs. Lewis, you're smart enough. You don't need Richard home. I'll keep him here. All right. All right. I'll send him. Go home and go out and hope for yourself for Richard. Don't forget to come right back. Okay, Mr. Pasquale. And here, have a piece of fruit. Gee, Mr. Pasquale, don't you have anything else besides a raisin? That's a pain in your ten cents an hour. What's the kids are coming to anyway? Your baby in the horror gets Luigi. He just can't lose. I asked him a hundred questions and he got them all right. Good. I would love to see him really beat that Pasquale. Wait, wait, wait for me. My breath is coming in short pants. Who did I do it? Am I a genius? What did you do, Schultz? I fixed up Pasquale's tutor so he ain't gonna toot no more. Schultz, you didn't hurt that little boy, did you? Oh, son, what are you talking about? Me hurt that little fellow. I got three of my own. Oh, no, Richard. Richard, I killed his kindness. What did you do, Schultz? Well, I sent him to the movies and I gave him five dollars. Five dollars? Yeah. I figured I was gonna keep him there at least for two weeks. Schultz, is that fair? Ah, why not? You want Luigi should be watching Pasquale's dishes for six months? No, no. But we better not tell Luigi about this? Yeah. He wouldn't like it, but I am all for it. Well, that's all I want to hear. All right, now kick in. What? Well, sure, I lay down five dollars, that's a dollar seventy-five cents a piece. So, they think they put over a fast one on me with that kid, eh? Well, I showed them. Well, I tell them to be spoiled and we see if they have a respecter for Pasquale, the school pageant. Ah, here it is. This is the classroom. Eh, I'm early, there's nobody here. Well, I'm gonna sit down and wait. Eh, it might be a better idea if I just write a note and tell her everything. Then I don't have no arguments with the class. Where's some paper? It must be inside the desk. Eh, here's the paper. Eh, what's this? Examination attester for Mr. Bosco and Mr. Pasquale. Ooh, what a nice day. Looks like I don't have to write a no letter. First the question. When did a class answer? Fourteen and ninety-two. Second the question. Queen Elizabeth, I'm just gonna copy down the answers. Let Luigi study up on the questions. Third answer, forty-nine, including the Philippines. Fourth answer, keep. Got a bit of excitement in your classroom, Miss Bolting. I just passed by there. Yes, we're having a contest. Would you like to come in, Mr. Orr? No, thank you. I find the class freezes in front of the principal. No, I don't know why. I'm as bad on dates as anyone. Is that the test in your hand? Well, yes, I just finished it, as a matter of fact. Just now? Yes, I had one made up, but it seemed to me someone had tampered with it. I'm probably wrong, but I just wanted to be sure, so I changed the questions. Well, you can't tell. Someone might be surprised. Bye. Bye, Mr. Orr. Well, well, I see we're all here, so I'll dispense with the roll call and go right to the test. Are you both ready? I'm ready, Miss Bolting. And you, Mr. Pasquale? Ha, ha, ha. Spoken like a true chakas, Pasquale. Go ahead. Call me names. We see who lasts the laughs. Miss Bolting, if you don't mind, my head is so full of information. I'd like to get it out of fast. Why don't you ask me the first of five questions? I'll polish them off, and then you'll ask Luigi, five. That's all right. That would be Miss Bolting. Fine, fine. And I'll proceed. First question. When did the Civil War begin? First answer, 1492. We didn't even have to spend that five dollars. Mr. Pasquale, question number two. Who was the first president of the United States? Queen Elizabeth. How many children did Abraham Lincoln have? Forty-nine, including the Philippines. What did Columbus say when he took possession of America? Keep a call with the Coolidge. Miss Bolting, Miss Bolting, stop, stop. Please don't ask no more. Luigi, what are you doing? Let Miss Bolting continue. Sure, sure, let her continue. Sure, I'll show you all for good. Are you Luigi? You willing to holler on? No, Pasquale. He's not the best. He'll make it a quarter of the best. All right. Mr. Pasquale, I want you to answer the same questions. Well, do I really have to? Yes. All right. The Civil War began in 1861. The first president of Georgia, Washington, Abraham Lincoln. I had four children, all sons. Columbus took possession of America in the name of a Queen Isabella. I'm a sorry, Pasquale. Miss Bolting. You were wrong. Very wrong. Yes, Miss Bolting. I know. Now, Pasquale, we go to your restaurant and you pay off. Pasquale, I'm a sorry. All right, all right, I pay off. Don't feel sorry for me, all of you, by the brains. You'll throw your little puppet squeak. Is that going to show you in the back of my head I'm smarter than all of you? Rosa, Rosa, come in. Here I am, Papa. Pasquale, we had a bet. If you won, I wasn't to wash the dishes and if you lose, you give me your dishwasher. Why are you calling a russ? I tell you why, Luigi, because Rosa is my dishwasher. I won the bet, but I'm going to let Pasquale keep his dishwasher. And now, I'm going to think of Pasquale, he's got a little more respect for education. Today, he's a little russ, he'll make out the menu for him. And for once, everything is spelled right. Spaghetti is a gotta back the age. Minestrone is a gotta one in, instead of a three in. And if you don't see cheese, it's spelled with a two z's. Mamma mia, that menu right now is the most educated thing in a Pasquale's restaurant. And as for me, mamma mia, all this is, is to make me appreciate more and more the privilege America is given to me. The right to study and learn the truth. Dear loving son, Luigi Vasco, the immigrant. Folks, the makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum hope you've enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi. And they'd like to remind you that spearmint gum is not only a refreshing, delicious taste treat, but also serves a useful purpose. In these days of soft foods, our teeth and gums need a lot more exercise than we usually give them. Chewing on a piece of gum gives teeth and gums a good workout. Helps to cleanse the teeth too. So for chewing enjoyment, plus the chewing action that helps keep your teeth bright and attractive, chew Wrigley's spearmint gum regularly. Enjoy it often, every day. Get a few packages tonight or tomorrow morning. The makers of Wrigley's Spearman Chewing Gum invite you to listen next week at this time when Luigi Vasco writes another letter to his mama Vasco in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Psy Howard production and is directed by Mr. Howard. Mack Benoff writes the script with Lou Dermott. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as Pasquale, Hans Konried as Schultz, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Shipp as Miss Bolting, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Kemp Peters as Olson. Music is under the direction of Bloodbusters. This is Bob Stevenson speaking. America's strength and leadership in world affairs depends upon continuing teamwork among Americans of different races, creeds, and national background. Racial and religious antagonism interferes with this indispensable teamwork and thus weakens our nations. Let us guard ourselves and our families against contracting prejudices and passing them on, however, innocently. Build a strong America. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.