 All right, welcome back. You are still hanging out with us right here on the hashtag part of TV show and as well There's a question of the day right there. Let me just read it to you just in case you have no idea We are asking you how do you handle feelings of guilt and shame and literally that is leading to the conversation We're having right here a journey of healing and forgiveness And I'm still hanging out with turbo and lois now before we went on a break We are actually talking about how you know this person was triggered and the be like if I meet you again Nope, don't even continue. You're reminding me of something that I don't want to get there anymore But generally life is all about pain management I Remember think it was there's this new anchor from CNN and it took home or she used to have a show called the Cuomo She I think she's related to a governor called Cuomo, but in the US and During house he sign of what he was living CNN He said she has learned that life is all about pain management But also how do you manage pain so that it leads to a place where you are you have a free heart Because I believe if you carry, you know, they usually say there's a certain pain that keeps on festering in people's lives That keeps on appearing when they're mature and whatnot So how do you handle general life pain that can make you a free person so that you easily let go? You can easily let go whenever something crazy happens. Maybe I can start with you lois I think the only thing you just need to do is set boundaries with yourself. They don't have to Favour any other person just to start from you because the moment you know how far is far You cannot just allow anything that tags along to get into your heart and that one is get so easy for you because any other time People are going to offend you and they don't know what triggers your anger issues. Yeah, right And now you've mentioned the word trigger. Maybe Trevor Most of us actually a trigger but so many things you could be at work and somebody walks in that you don't want to see again And maybe because it's something they did to you last year And maybe you never had that courage or the capacity of this person even time to say a but they what you did last year Disgusted me, but you held on to it and then they pop up again in another Maybe I took a your company kind of queen You know and then another person similar like that pops up and it keeps on making you angry And you know you they're holding on to pain and anger and resentment. Is it possible to totally alleviate that kind of experience? I think can I say like maybe 90% Because the thing the thing about triggers and the way they work is that it's it's also a neurological thing Yeah, your brain a trigger essentially is like a sign of danger that your brain recognizes and then it activates the emergency system So that's why you find when you're triggered Suddenly you are extremely angry emotions are very high It's like your legs are ready to run or you're ready to punch someone see those are now the signs of the emergency system going online Right, so I think it's it's it comes a lot of practice It comes a lot a lot of practice because even like for someone like me till this day I'm still like I'm seven years into therapy my own therapy and I'm still managing triggers Right, but I think that knowledge of the trigger really helps and then understanding that as much as it's a emergency system And it can be activated immediately. You have a choice So like in like I love that example you've given let's say you transfer on and a company and then there's another person Minding you of this one It's understanding that hey, I'm triggered this person has reminded me of this other person who did this and this But this person is different that threat is not here All right, but it's hard to see that difference if you're carrying this filter exactly now You said some that's what I'm really emphasizing the thing of awareness Just become aware that this trigger is here for me I am most likely going to act out towards this current person yet the original offender is somewhere else Or they're not around so become aware of that and then there's something that I talked to clients a lot about called opposite action Oh opposite action. Yeah, so when you feel that anger when you feel that irritation that deep frustration What what they already the intention you have there is to act out someone to hurt them Do you know to act out the anger? What is the opposite action of that be be kind? You know, yeah, and you seen that even in that kindness doing that opposite action Also to change your brain that hey, even if we have this filter that we're carrying we can now choose how to act differently Even when we are triggered right and the more you practice that the easier it becomes at some point now You can identify triggers you might feel your heart racing kiddo go you do breathe in exercise You say, okay, thank you. Thank you. You know, that's that's coming. You say thank you. Yeah, that also Then you say, okay, you know what I was triggered for a moment, but I can move on with my day I've come down. I've done beating exercises opposite action or any other thing. I can move on with my day But it really just comes with practice and you have to keep being aware of the trigger when it comes up Do something about it anytime it happens. Just keep practicing that and I think like from what you've said I've understood it self-awareness that it's a powerful. It's a powerful skill literally just being aware that If it happens like this, oh my goodness, it can take me there But I'm gonna stand my ground and definitely I can make it through Now our stories now self sabotage. I also believe it comes from pain And there's people who still are hard on themselves for things they did, you know Maybe they were forced to do something that personally if they were in their same mind Or if they were to relook again and start working that journey, they wouldn't do it But you know, they did it because of maybe money Maybe they were trying to save a life, but they they're still holding on to that anger Do you feel like it's possible for such a person to ever reach at a place? Well, they'd be happy again It has reminded me of this song by Kambua. She sings and talks about she's free again She's happy again. I think it's a gospel song Is it possible to be happy again to be free again to start again and you know, enjoy life to the fullest and totally let go Yeah, I think it's so easy because Everything about mental wellness starts from you if you have positive with it then we can have it because I'm thinking about it in a perspective where This is one thing I've been doing for the longest time and no one can help me overcome that thing But I have to sit down and decide I need to work it out from my end And the moment I make a decision about it I'm ready to walk out of that situation, but anytime I'm holding back I have the fear of what is going to happen How will people feel about these if I have to open up about something I'm struggling with How will people feel how are they going to take me? I mean do not go anywhere It has to start from you like you just need to be the first priority and you to come first Then other things are going to walk your way In the best way they can because I'm I'm thinking about someone maybe who is struggling with something like masturbation, right? That is someone that we as a result of trauma as well Yeah, yeah, because I have I think I had a client to one week ago And I was so shocked how it came about they were living in a single room with the parents Wow And the with the sisters and the brothers and he was very young. Yes, and he just came to realize What happens and as he grew he wanted to discover weight. I see them do this. I want to do this. Wow Yeah By the time he got to that space It was messy because most of the time that young man was spending time with his dad because the mom was away And he just so everything happened and was like, ah, why not try this and let me tell you before He walk out of that. It was a whole situation Because he came confessed to me and I was like you see in in masturbation. We start from when did he start what triggers you? So that we can overcome what you need to do all those steps and I was like It is not someone else it's you and your dad you can go and face your dad and tell him you came to realize Those things happen from him. It has to start from you And I was like the best thing you can do now that you have the knowledge and you know how far it can Take you as much as you think about it and you want to practice it. You just need to Start somewhere like I want to work it out. I want to leave this I need to meet someone who I can talk to and even open up to because yes, the first solution is talking about it And then you you'll be that thing feeling. I'm I'm in a free world and I'm gonna put someone who can actually help me Right. Yes, and and turbo before we just get to the comments I feel like in this day and age people are bound and let me use the word bondage people are in bondage Of things maybe that have been self-induced and some of them They are still carrying experiences mostly from their parents their childhood, etc And for a person to be free like she said you need to make a conscious decision of I'm intentionally going to start Stopping this behavior because I also believe behavior makes your character And that's how people perceive you out there and it starts maybe from an experience that you saw like from the example You've given and then you start acting out and then it becomes a behavior And then finally makes your character and people out there could be seeing you differently and judging you, but they just don't know the story Right. All right. Do we have the feedback please? We have asked you a question of the day. Let me just get to it How do you handle our feelings of guilt and shame and maybe I also love to hear from you By the way after we read the comments, how can a person handle our feelings of guilt and shame? Franklin Ward and a semi-following I face it head-on We should have said it how you face it head-on Franklin Ward Judy and then Simba Brian as I'm watching live Live from the source Nandi County. Okay. Thank you so much Glenblane as I'm watching a live from Vigga County shout out to Vigga massive as well Huh, and it was Cleopatra Belfast clear. I said my own up on but not to know how you know Believing that tomorrow is another day. Wow. That's a lot of strength. By the way for you to say that I have Simba boys and I say my elder 12 represented Cham gay Titles on better. I said my watching from the net Nakuru County or say on a crew massive. Thank you so much The question of the day is how do you handle feelings of guilt and shame? And then I need to orbit orbit and I say man I know a future do not let me go. I love for nice kids. I'm ziki. Wow music is your therapy, right? I love that. I love that. Oh, but Frank Kiga and I said my watching from Kangemi shout out to Kangemi where where and then Kennedy Joomba as sirigua And I said my good evening. Good evening to you, Kennedy Why are you watching us from a bit from me and then Susie Kesh and I said I tuned in from Tika lois Akusali meh definitely at Akusali meh in just a bit to Keander. Okay, Julius Muregg and I said my Pomo Yes, Anna Moshi Kali. I said my following live from Changara, Tesu, right? Continue to interact with us on the hashtag part of TV show. The question is again How do you handle feelings of guilt and shame? And let me just throw that to Lois since I'm a mention you a palika comment section Now I can book a cum salamiya. How can a person handle feelings of guilt and shame? Because I believe they're related anyways If you're feeling shameful definitely you're guilty of something and it could be maybe imposed an experience or maybe an encounter Let me start with myself anytime. I've ever found myself in a space where I feel shame It has nothing to do with any other person Right, it's me and that's the only way can be able to deal with it because at times we think I can the only way can get over it if when people justify it like See if you're a partner who could say because shame is basically something you never expected to do But it has happened, but it has been interpreted differently by someone else. Yeah But how should they dwell in what people say concerning me? Because maybe it comes from a place of self-esteem because I believe our self-esteem also plays a huge role in terms of mental grit You know you feeling brave enough courageous and not like Swimming in that space of like what are they thinking about me now? I believe it takes it takes a lot of mental gravitas to feel confident and brave and like I did that forget it man I'm so here it's life. It takes a lot of mental grit To feel like that and even say that So probably this person has some facets of them that are broken now in terms of self-esteem Do don't you think so turbo? Possibly yeah and for me the way I like to look at like guilt and shame I like to see like guilt as I have done something wrong and shame as I am something wrong For me, that's how I've come to understand them from my own experience And for me whenever shame comes up, I try to check. Okay. Am I actually wrong like as a person am I wrong? Or is it that I'm just a human being who made a mistake? Right, you know, and he or am I just a human being who made the wrong decision? Yeah, it's very important to distinguish between the two because a lot of times you are not a bad person You are a person who did a wrong thing And sometimes you're not even aware it was a wrong thing You just make an honest mistake. Do anything and I don't know and maybe you are blamed for it You see and it permanently damages you now. That's what the shame comes in. You start feel like I am the mistake I am the wrongness in the thing that I did but I think it's so important to distinguish the two so that you know Okay, you know what and this is now where that self-esteem comes in You have to make sure that your self-esteem is not in question Okay, if I make it umbaya make sure your self-esteem is removed from the equation and then look at the action you did And so, you know what I disrespected this person. I had this person sometimes even about yourself. I disrespected myself I had myself can I apologize can I make amends so that your self-esteem remains untouched You know that you are just a human being who's trying but the action you did is the problem Yeah, and actions can be corrected right behavior can be corrected So for me, usually that's what I try to do when it comes to myself. I try not to reach the point of Saying to ever you're a bad person because I also know that that's to me mentally The moment I say that I spiral now. That's when I start self-sabotaging. I'm like, you know what? I'm bad, so what I need a ribo kill a kid too. Yeah, because I'm bad Okay, I'll show everyone I see I'm not I don't need to reach that point where I'm starting to destroy everything else if I did one wrong thing two wrong things address those ones Make amends apologize Right, maybe we can also not talk about the importance of why should I forgive and how will it lead to healing? But then also like you said, you know sometimes when you experience some of these things that we go through I believe just they're saying Gen Z's have a lot of mental greeters compared to millennials I don't know if that's true though, but you guys will tell me they feel like Gen Z's or cause strong They can stand up for themselves. They say they feel sick and that's what's up. You can't challenge it But Millennials for us born 1990 to the maybe let in 1998 Apple This is in your body, but we are still under control like we can zip ends up, but while I'm depressed and period There's nothing you can't do about it Let's take about why it's important for person to forgive and how does it reflect in their personal? Let's say progress in life. Yeah, does it reflect at some point when you start now letting go? Does even your personal appearance change because because I believe holding on to so many things It's sometimes, you know, there's somebody who said it's spiritual like it's baggage That's just seated there. We're gonna miss you. Mingi. There's a person who said we're gonna miss you Mingi at us. You know, there's a Kwanzaa up Is it possible to for a person to unload this music or Mingi idea and they come back progress in life We can start with your noise. I think it's so easy to forgive Because the moment you forgive It's on your it's for your own benefits doesn't have to be the other person Yeah, because most of the time we fail if someone made a wrong thing to me The only way they can forgive me is me approaching them But you see there people who are unapproachable even after they have done a wrong thing to you What do you do you first delete? With it on your own right or even you'll have done something and they're not even aware they hurt you But you're feeling bad about it and let me tell you that I was going to kill you because you'll maybe in a distance Why are you in a church? You're serving with someone they had they hurt you they have to preach you'll have to see them Yeah, and you look. Oh my god. What are you telling us? But you dismiss everything that they're doing? Yeah, but that but this person has a right though. They have a right to feel like that. Yeah, they have but It has to start with me The question is is that person aware that they hurt me they could not be aware about it Maybe you come and I'm here. Yeah, but if you're sure about it And those people cannot even get to a point where you can talk about it first forgive yourself Right anything else can wait because maybe they have their own seasons There are people who take a very long time before they forgive you because they have that bitterness They cannot just imagine how you did it because they have a perfect image of you rather than coming in talk about it Let's because I feel most of the time even in people who break up in friendships just mere friendships. It's because they feel I Cannot apologize first Oh, wow in that perspective of my ego is up there. So I'm going to be Person is going to make you make me a lesser person But for me anytime I hurt you I'm going to be very quick to say sorry And it's not just saying sorry is saying why are you sorry because at times you're like, I'm sorry. What's next? What are you sorry for by the way because you walk through that path very fast? I'm sorry. See Paul a bus Is that an enough reason? Why are you sorry by the moment you say I apologize for these entities It makes you feel that person has had time to think about what they did and they are really sorry about what they did All right, but you know those people also bring it Ah, that's like it took up my EOP a way but also when you look at it people process things differently to you It could be a molehill to him It's a mountain to above and also still on that regard. What should a person forgive and how does it? Reflect in the normal facets of their well-being especially when it comes to even making life progress. I Think just forgive for yourself Even for me, this is a lesson. I've had to learn the hard way Because I was one of those people who come to me because say for very many years of my life Right and teach the point where this person is living their life In fact, they're doing very well. They're very successful, but for me. I'm still cutting that and you see them You know, you see them every day. I had you know, you ask God. That's good. Oh God You start even question. Are you punishing me God? I said why are you punishing me and I was one who was wronged. You go through that process But I think I think that that thing of like forgiveness is for you It starts it starts from here, right? You have to realize that forgiveness is not about letting that person go after they round you But it's about I like that the thing the image you painted of like burdens. It's about you and burdening yourself, right? It's about you deciding. I'm not going to drink this poison expecting them to die Because the burden is really on you and sometimes actually, you know the thing is I think also We have a certain image of forgiveness that forgiveness is about I have to let you go You know, I have to make sure justice is not served but forgiveness is about me Realizing that okay, you know what? I was hurt full stop right. It's okay. That one is a fact But not I was hurt. Is there a way that I can let it go? So that I can look forward You know, just like that thing instead of looking down Can I stop obsessing and constantly thinking about this thing that this person did and look up and see that by the way My life is bigger than this thing that this person did to me It takes time. It's a process and it's a journey. You walk it But remember also the way we can sometimes say the practice of forgiveness, but it's sometimes forgiveness is an everyday thing Yes, I got you namka every day. You think this person because yeah, you remember, you know what? I can't keep carrying this. You have to come to work and work under them. Yeah I can't keep carrying this around. So what do I do when I think of how this person at me? I say, okay, you know what they hurt me. There's nothing I can change about that But I can let it go right and you actively choose even in your mind. I'm letting it go. I'm letting it go today I'm consciously choosing no violence. Yes today. No violence. Yeah, if I feel the urge for violence within me I will do something else. Yes, you know because there are so many ways that you can cope with those feelings Even when they come up, but it's really a practice a daily thing You have to do it as much as you need to until you feel like I'm at the point where I've let them go It's actually just such a practice by the way, right? Interesting. Thanks for that noise I understand also sometimes forgiveness does not mean reconnecting with your aggressor or your assailant I think I heard that from Ian Lash's or Pro Info's best friend They usually have this show called Super Soul Sundays. They purely talk about healing forgiveness and baddening and spirituality So do you guys believe sometimes forgiveness does not mean reconnecting with a person staying with them Chilling, but you can forgive and be fine and yeah, that's what's up in your heart. You know, you're free But it is what it is. Yeah, I think that is me now. Oh, that is you. Yeah, this is me What I've just exactly said. Yeah Okay, the fact that we had this agreement with you and I forgive you doesn't mean you get back to where we were Because people tend to to feel after they hurt me and I forgive them they can still get back and The people give the opportunity to get back to you even after they have hurt you remember They have detected on things that hurt you the most Even like instances like someone who kills you, right? Hey, someone you've lived with like for five years But just the moment you forgive them and you give them a leeway And allow them to feel everything else is running the way we used to do them That's the moment they kill you because you never see it coming. You're like, ah, we are good After we are good what's next now? I know we are good. I forgive you forgive me, but stay there. Yeah, right Does it also a change and maybe how you view people because I believe also forgiveness now that you're healing It gives you a different perspective a panoramic view of how to view people because you start now seeing people for who they are And I believe that's when you finally arrived for the destination called healing You start viewing people for who they are not for what they do or the things that surround them, right? Yeah, actually, that's what happens and you see that's I think the best place to be even in relationships with people is take what the reality Right. I like this example that you keep going around of like when someone hurt you, right? When a person hurts you and you forgive them you have to be aware I like the example that she gives us now they have the tactics to hurt you, right until this person has shown That they are with they have changed their behaviors, right? Reconciliation don't consider it until this person That should be like the the ticket for them to get back into your life. Yeah, until they see the mistake, right? They are changing their behavior. What if you given them your peace of mind and reminding them be like, hey You know what you did this to me. Did you not see it? Did you not see it? You're again talking to me. Are you crazy because we've seen that happen We've seen that happen. The person is totally not aware, but you've forgiven them But here they are again So is it correct for you to give them your peace of mind and be like, I'm warning you if you ever do this again I don't know why you admit Well, I think that one is now an individual choice. All right in some cases It's worth it for you to communicate that to them. All right in some cases. Ah, it is actually not worth your energy All right, because especially like let's say and you consider the first time and you had that conversation And you told them you did this to me you had me like this. Okay. They know, right? You don't need to and especially if it's under that for me, I always tell people as long as they have an ID They're above 18. Yeah, you do not have to teach them like a child who has to be told me Make time and time again. So you did they know what they did and you have actually you have every right to hold your boundaries All right, actually people people actually don't understand stories not boundaries But also how you communicate your boundaries really matters because you can say you could be now set up Why if you say if you cross me like this the consequences are blah blah blah blah And then maybe the environment to be like then we can't have you here if this is your boundary So I think also maybe making boundaries that are maybe Understandable or just defined that are welcoming to other people that can you know help you, you know Surviving an environment where that's a little bit constrained Don't you think so Lois? I feel at times One of the things that one of the things that can mess you up is your tongue your tongue Yes, okay, I feel as much as you making those boundaries. Let them see the boundaries. Don't speak them out Maybe you need to communicate like just cordially You know what I'm Lois and if you do this Maybe you're the boss. You're fired If you cross this one, it's down for you But you see we are in a state where people block that and I heard you but they went to like I Don't like this. Like you don't have you want to talk about it. They're like just a nice one time. They're like Like the moment you create a mechanism for yourself and to mark boundaries within your space people will know Let me give an example. I've even not Walked into a space and you can feel some kind of cold Cold energy. Yeah, cold energy. I think you've experienced that and the person the person is not even there Or that was when he's even getting in there and you're like They just parking outside You're like, hey, who has arrived now even don't know that person, but you're like It's okay, right And that can be really toxic Extremely toxic, but also I believe it's called healthy boundaries making healthy boundaries to balance the equation In that they also favor other people. It's quite like Villanacema. It's me and it's me and nobody else Right Right to above. Well, okay, sometimes sometimes it's it's more important to consider yourself And other times it's important to consider others. I think it's it's a You just have to you have to really practice being able to see where that balance is Because actually I'll be honest with you. There's sometimes where my boundary cannot include other people All right, sometimes my boundary has to do with my physical safety Me if I consider other people I could die here, you know And sometimes you just have to put that that strong boundary and say okay for me This is what I can allow so what I can't allow, right? The other situations now you see like for the example you're giving of a workplace It's important to consider others, but only to a certain extent You also don't want to overextend your boundaries to the point where now you're people with leasing Anybody anything anybody says you say yes. Yes. No problem. Maybe it's your boss No, even with your boss imagine. Can you build a boundary with your boss and say Hey, Appa, I know your assignment is the end You can imagine you can How your life depends on this job. Come on now Consider the nature of that relationship or the nature of the relationship because yeah, we understand there is a hierarchical relationship There this is your boss. Your job is in their hands. Your livelihood You can plan it there. They're the ones deciding right so if you're uncomfortable with something think about okay How can I tell my boss in a respectful way that for me? I can do this also sometimes, you know, even in boundaries and relationships Sometimes we say not only set the boundary, but give an alternative So like you can tell your boss a me assignment says the ender But I prefer to go for this one so that even with you setting your boundary You're also making it advantageous for the other person you're telling your boss. Hey boss me this one I can do maybe it's like something up to do your faith or your beliefs So if for this one, I'm not comfortable. However, I would be comfortable doing this other thing So you see your boss is here. Okay Nani is if I'm not easy But I can see that they're willing to do something else all right in a case like that It's win-win and you've heard your boundaries and that's it and literally it's understood I we have to go we are literally out of time So definitely in five seconds and five seconds How can people get to interact with you and what would you want people to understand from this conversation? Hard and where can they find you? This is your camera in under 30 seconds Okay, you can find me on instagram facebook tiktok youtube I'm a content creator. So you can find me any of those places And I think what I'd want you to go home with or wherever you are is that self forgiveness for you Work on it slowly and if you need the help of a professional you can reach out to any of us So any other person you see online, but it's something that's doable and it's for you Right What would you want people to take from this conversation? And how can they also get to interact with you the only way you can be in a position to Love yourself more and be aware of things that are happening in your life Is the moment you separate emotions and reality and know that you come fast? Yeah, so you can find me on facebook tiktok Instagram my name is laser drinking right. Do you guys have numbers? Do you guys give you numbers by the way? Do you you can find them on your social media? Yeah, nice. I like I'm seeing that my guests and I say hey But it's all right this I feel like this conversation has just started. I wish you'd have a part two But anyways, thank you guys so much. You guys have really killed it and I love your sentiment Thank you and I can't wait just to see you at the top and also see more people get help because we live in a very crazy messed up world Thank you All right, and you can find this episode on our youtube channel at y 2 4 4 channel as well as maybe some of the highlights as well On our instagram facebook and eggs at y 2 4 4 channel underscore palet in instagram verified with a blue checkmark And personally you can check me out at brand one at brand circle one one not brand one one brand Saco one or one everywhere. That's my social media platform and we love you for watching today We'll definitely see you next time right here. Please. Uh, enjoy that you say hello to Cheryl. She'll be back next time right here Thank you for watching. See you next time Y 2 5 4 imagine