 forward of bib ballads this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Jack Thrill bib ballads by Ringlardner forward dear parents don't imagine please it's in a boastful spirit I fashion verses such as these that's not the truth or near it a hundred or a thousand yes a million kids there may be who aren't one iota less attractive than this baby I'll venture that your household has as valuable a treasure as mine but mine I know and as for yours I've not that pleasure and that is why my books about just one oh dads and mothers but babes are babes and mine no doubt is very much like others the author end of forward recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section one of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by Ringlardner section one goodbye bill dollar bill that I've held so tight ever since payday a week ago shall I purchase with you tonight a pair of seats at the vaudeville show hark a voice from the easy chair look at his shoes we must buy a pair dollar bill from the wreckage saved tell me how shall I squander you shall I be shined shampooed and shaved singed and trimmed around the edges to hark a voice from the easy chair he hasn't a romper that's fit to wear dollar bill that I cherished so think of the cigarettes you'd buy Turkish ones with a kick you know makins eventually tire a guy hark a voice from the easy chair look at those stockings just one big tear dollar bill it is time to part what do I care for a vaudeville show I'll shave myself and look just as smart makins aren't so bad you know dollar bill we must say goodbye there on the floor is the reason why end of section one recording by Jack through Tokyo Japan section two of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack through bib ballads by ring lardner a visit from young gloom there's been a young stranger at our house a baby whom nobody knew who hated his brother his father his mother and made them aware of it too he stayed with us nearly a fortnight and carried a grouch all the while nor promise nor present could make him look pleasant he hadn't the power to smile he cried when he couldn't have something he cried just as hard when he could kind words by the earful but made him more tearful and scoldings did just as much good he stormed when his meals weren't ready and when they were ready he screamed he went to bed growling got up again howling and quarrel and snarl as he dreamed he's gone and the child we are fond of is back just as nice as of old but I hope to be in some port European the next time he has a bad cold end of section to recording by Jack through Tokyo Japan section three of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section three an appreciative audience my son I wish that it were half as easy to extract a laugh from grown-ups as from the then I go on the stage my boy while Richard Carl and Eddie Foy burned up with jealousy I wouldn't have to rack my brain or lie awake all night in vain pursuit of brand-new jokes nor fear my lines were heard with groans of pain and sympathetic moans from sympathetic folks I'd merely have to make a face just twist a feature out of place and be the soul of wit or bark and then pretend to bite and from the screams of wild delight be sure I'd made a hit end of section three recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section four of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section four discipline he couldn't have a doughnut and it made him very mad he undertook to get revenge by screaming at his dad cut out that noise I ordered and he gave another roar and so I put him in the room and shut and locked the door I left him in his prison cell two minutes just about and penitent he smiled at me when I did let him out but when he got another look at the forbidden fruit he gave a yell that they could hear in Jacksonville or Butte cut out that noise I barked again cut out that fog horn stuff perhaps I didn't leave you in your prison long enough you want your dad to keep you jailed all afternoon I guess he smiled at me and answered his equivalent for yes end of section four recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section five of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section five inexpensive guests I wonder how to would make you feel my fellow food providers to have as guests at every meal three count them three outsiders well that's the case with me but still I don't complain or holler for strange to say the grocery bill has not gone up a dollar these guests of ours to make it brief can't really chew or swallow they're merely dolls called Indian chief and funny man and Ralo end of section five recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section six of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section six his sense of humor perhaps in some respects it's true that you resemble dad to be informed I look like you would never make me mad but one thing I am sure of son you have a different line of humor your idea of fun is not a bit like mine you drop my slippers in the sink and leave them there to soak that's very laughable you think but I can't see the joke you take my hat outdoors with you and fill it full of earth you seem to think that's witty too but I'm not moved to mirth you open up the chicken yard it's inmates run a mile you giggle but I find it hard to force one half a smile no kid I fear your funny stuff though funny it may be is not quite delicate enough to make a hit with me end of section six recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section seven of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section seven speech economy since he began to talk and sing I've learned one interesting thing the value of a verb is small in fact it has no worth at all why waste the breath required to say while toddling through the park today I saw a bird up in a tree when tree pock bird does splendidly why should one say please pass the bread when ba ba me is easier said and why I'm starved have supper quick when lunch yelled loudly does the trick why I've been riding on a train when bye bye choo choo makes it plain let words be few the poet Seth so leave out words and save your breath end of section 7 recording by Jack throw section 8 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 8 welcome to spring spring you are welcome for you are the friend of fathers of all little girlies and chaps spring you are welcome for you mean the end of bundling them up in their cold weather wraps breeze their apparent of masculine gender one whose young hopeful is seven or less who never has cursed the designer and vendor of juvenile out-of-doors wintertime dress leggings and overcoat rubbers that squeeze on mittens and sweater a trifle too small not in the lot is one thing you can ease on one that's affixed with no trouble at all spring you are welcome thrice welcome to father not for your flowers and birds I'm afraid as much as your promised relief from the bother of bundling the kid for the daily parade end of section 8 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 9 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 9 taste I can't understand why you pass up the toys that Santa considered just right for small boys I can't understand why you turn up your nose at dogs hobby horses and treasures like those and play a whole hour sometimes longer than that with the thing as prosaic as daddy's old hat the tables and shelves have been loaded for you with volumes of pictures they're pretty ones too of birds beasts and fishes and old mother goose repines in a corner and feels like the juice while you on the floor quite contentedly look at page after page of the telephone book end of section 9 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 10 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 10 riddles if it's fun to take books from the bookcase if you really believe it's worthwhile to carry them out to the kitchen and build them all up in a pile why isn't it just as agreeable then to carry them back to the bookcase again if it's fun to make marks with a pencil in books that one cares for a heap to tear out the pages from volumes one likes and is anxious to keep why isn't it pleasure to put on the Hummer a magazine read and discarded last summer end of section 10 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 11 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 11 hesitation I've orders to awaken you from your nap and orders are orders my little chap but I hate to do it because it seems a shame to break in on your blissful dreams I've sat and watched you a long long while and not since I came have you ceased to smile so it strikes me as wrong to arouse you boy from sleep that's so plainly a sleep of joy to make a big difference tonight of course but perhaps you are riding a real live horse in dreams it's a pleasant and harmless sport so why should I cruelly cut it short maybe you have for your very own a piece of pie or an ice cream cone if that's your amusement why end it quick dream food can't possibly make you sick orders are orders and I'm afraid it's trouble for me if they're disobeyed but I'll bet if the boss could see you son she'd put off the duty as I have done end of section 11 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 12 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 12 his wonderful Chuchu's when I see his wonderful Chuchu trains which he daily builds with infinite pains whose cars are a crazy and curious lot a doll a picture a pepper pot a hat a pillow a horse a book a poet a minty a buttonhook a bag of tobacco a piece of string a pair of Wabba's a bodkin ring a deck of twos and a paper box a brush a comb and a lot of blocks when I first gaze on his wonderful trains which he daily builds with infinite pains I laugh and I think to myself oh gee was ever a child as cute as he but when he's gone to his cozy nest from the toil of his strenuous day to rest and when I gaze on his trains once more where they lie abandoned across the floor and when the terrible task I face of putting each Pullman back in its place I grown a little and think oh gee was ever a child as mean as he end of section 12 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 13 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 13 cousinly affection why do you love your cousin Paul for his sweet face his smile and all the little tricks that charm us so you're not quite old enough to know how cute he is to realize how clever for a child his size I'm sure you can't appreciate the things that make us think him great and yet you love your cousin Paul is it because he's twice as small as you just right for you to mall because he won't fight back or ball because when he is pushed he'll fall and where most kids would howl and squall he takes it nor puts in a call for mother am I warm at all is this why you love cousin Paul end of section 13 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 14 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 14 my baby's garden my baby has a garden planted four days ago and nearly half his waking hours he spends among his precious flowers with sprinkling can and hoe my baby has a garden and oh how proud he is when yielding to his pleading we lay work aside and go to see this masterpiece of his behold my baby's garden close by a rubbish pile look at the sprinkling can and hoe and flowers then tell me if you know whether to sigh or smile the flowers in baby's garden flapped on the ground they lie two hyacinths a withered pair plucked from the pile of rubbish where they had been left to die the flowers in baby's garden planted four days ago grow every hour a sadder site weaker and sicklier in spite of sprinkling can and hoe end of section 14 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 15 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 15 decision reversed when I mixed with the shoppers and fought in vain to get what I sought in the Christmas rush when they stood on my toes in the crowded train or dented my ribs in the sidewalk crush I dropped my manners and snarled and swore and thought it's a bothersome beastly bore but when at the Christmas dawn they brought my kid to the room where his things were piled and when from my vantage point I caught the look on his face I murmured child your dad was a fool when he snarled and swore and called it a bothersome beastly bore end of section 15 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 16 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 16 the grocery man and the bear he was weary of all of his usual joys his books and his blocks made him tired and so did his games and mechanical toys and the songs he had always admired so I told him a story a story so new it had never been heard anywhere a tale disconnected unlikely untrue called the grocery man and the bear I didn't think much of the story despite the fact was a child of my brain and I never dreamt when I told it that night that I'd have to tell it again I never imagined to it makes such a hit with the audience of one that was there that for hours at a time he would quietly sit through the grocery man and the bear to all other stories this one is preferred it's the season's bestseller by far and out at our house it's as frequently heard as cuss words in Mexico are when Chuchu's and horses and picture books fail he'll remain quite content in his chair while I tell or and or the incredible tale of the grocery man and the bear end of section 16 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 17 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 17 coming home prepare for noise you quiet walls you floors get set for heavy falls frail dishes hide away get ready for some scratches stairs clean table linen say your prayers the kid comes home today for three long weeks you've been oh house as noiseless as the well-known mouse as silent as the tomb and you've stayed neat with none on hand to track your floors with mud and sand to must your every room the ideal place for work you've been but soon a bedlam once again a mess a wreck but say I wonder will it make us mad no house I'll bet we both are glad the kid comes home today end of section 17 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 18 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 18 his imagination one thing that's yours my little child your poor old dad is simply wild to own it's not a book or toy it's your imagination boy if I possessed it what a time I'd have nor need to spend a dime I wish that I could get us dried a broom and have a horse to ride or climb into the swing and be a sailor on the deep blue sea or believe a chair a chuchu train bound anywhere and back again if I could ride as fast and far on ship or horse in train or car as you at small expense or none if I could have one half your fun and do the things that you do free I'd give them back my salary end of section 18 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 19 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 19 his memory besides my little son's imagination another thing he has appeals to me and agitates my envious admiration it's his accommodating memory an instant after some unlucky stumble has floored him and induced a howl of pain he's clean forgotten all about his tumble and violently sets out to romp again but if when I leave home I say that maybe I'll get him something nice while I'm away it's very safe to bet that mr. baby will not forget though I be gone all day ah would I might lose sight of things unpleasant the bills I owe the work I haven't done and only think of future joys and present like the approaching payday and my son end of section 19 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 20 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 20 confession a sleuth like Pinkerton or Burns is told that there has been a crime he runs down clues and leads and learns who did the deed in course of time it's just the other way with me the first thing I am sure of is the criminals identity and then I learn what crime was his when son comes up with hanging head and smiles a certain kind of smile when he's affectionate instead of playful when he stalls a while and starts to speak and stops again or squirming like a mouse that's caught asserts I am a good boy then I look to see what harms been brought end of section 20 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 21 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 21 his lady friend who is Sylvia what is she that early every morning you desert your family and rush to see her scorning your once cherished maw and me are her plaything such a treat I will steal them from her better that than not to meet my son and air all summer save when he comes home to eat or is she herself the one and only real attraction has your little heart begun to get that sort of action better wait a few years son end of section 21 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 22 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 22 declaration of independence myself it means that you don't care to have me lift you in your chair that if I do you'll rage and tear myself it means you don't require assistance from your willing sire in eating twill but rouse your ire myself it means when you are through that you don't want your daddy to unseat you as he used to do time was and not so long ago when you were carried to and fro and waited on but now no no you'd rather fall and break your head or fill your lap with cream and bread than be helped up or down or fed well kid I hope you'll stay that way and that there'll never come a day when you're without the strength to say myself end of section 22 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 23 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 23 the eternal greeting what is the welcoming word I hear when I reach home at the close of day glad you are with us daddy dear something I'd like to hear you say no it is this invariably daddy what have you got for me deep affection I might reply what would it profit if I did I might answer the price to buy clothes and edibles for you kid you would repeat insistently daddy what have you got for me isn't myself enough for you doesn't my presence satisfy no that's spelling would never do you want presents a new supply when you inquire so eagerly daddy what have you got for me to it be much nicer and cheaper son if I were welcome without a toy but as I'm not I must purchase one and take my reward from your look of joy when you open the bundle and cry oh see see what daddy has got for me end of section 23 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 24 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 24 guess again I guess I'll help you daddy and daddy can't say no for if he did to it wound you kid and cause the tears to flow I guess I'll help you daddy and daddy says all right and tries to do ignoring you whatever works in sight but what's the use of trying as well be reconciled to quit and play the game that may be pleasing to you child to quit and play or rough house or read as you elect for I'm afraid the guess you made was wholly incorrect end of section 24 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 25 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 25 nearly a sinecure I'm going to the office so says my youngster and gets on the train to take him there the trains the sofa or a chair whichever's near at hand now I am to the office I'm working now says he and just continues standing there on that same lounge or that same chair as idle as can be perhaps four seconds after he first got on his train I see him getting off once more he steps or falls onto the floor and says I'm home again I don't know what they pay him nor where the office is the nature of the boys plazish I've never learned but how I wish I had that job of his end of section 25 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 26 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 26 the heckoses that may not be the proper way to spell their name I cannot say I've never seen them written out I've only heard them talked about they're coming here tonight to dine so says that little son of mine but all last week was just the same they were to come and never came and I'm just skeptical enough to think they're all a myth a bluff mere creatures of my youngsters brain who's coming he'll await in vain and yet to him they're very real they own a big black automobile they work downtown and they'll arrive out here at one two three four five the heckoses are four all told there's Mrs. H who's very old and baby heckos and a lad named Tom and Bill the heckos dad beyond this point I can't describe the fascinating heckos tribe I can but wonder how he came to think of such a lovely name end of section 26 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 27 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 27 his favorite role you could be president as well as not since all you'd have to do is think you were with that imagination that you've got or multi-millionaire if you prefer or you could be some famous football star or Tyrus Cobb admired by every fan instead of that you tell me that you are the garbage man why pick him out when you can take your choice is his so charming nice and sweet a role that acting it should make you to rejoice and be a source of comfort to your soul is there some hidden happiness that he uncovers in his march from can to can that you above all else should want to be the garbage man end of section 27 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 28 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 28 the paths of rashness up to the sky the bird man flew and looped some loops that were bold and new the people marveled at nerve so great and gasped or cheered as he tempted fate more daring each day than the day before till the bird man fell and arose no more the bandit bragged of his daylight crimes and said I'm the wonder of modern times bolder and bolder his thefts became and the people shook when they heard his name he boasted I'm one that they'll never get but he jollied himself into Joliet well son I suppose you would be admired for the valorous habit that you've acquired of rushing at each little girl you meet and hugging her tight in the public street but the day will come I have not a doubt when you'll stagger home with an eye scratched out end of section 28 recording by Jack throw Tokyo Japan section 29 of bib ballads this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Jack throw bib ballads by ring lardner section 29 the new plaything I wonder what your thought will be and what you'll say and do sir when you come home again and see what daddy's got for you sir I wonder if you'll like it boy or turn away disgusted you've often scorned a nice new toy for one that's old and busted I wonder if you'll laugh or cry and run in fright to mother or just act bored to death when I show you your brand new brother end of section 29