 All right, I won't push you to become a premium member. I won't push you to shop on Amazon. You know the drill. Let's just get right to the show. Welcome to the show. Well, this is always my favorite part of the week when Frank Conniff and Colleen Worthman stop by and I can check out and not have to do anything. Colleen Worthman is a brilliant comedy writer, actress and human being. Frank Conniff is also a brilliant actress. I do all the things. We go up for the same roles all the time. I do all the things she does except mediocre. You are on John Fugelsang's daily show on Sirius XN. What channel? Channel 121. Channel 121 and you're on The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore. That's correct. Frank Conniff. If people want to follow you on Twitter, how do they do that? Just Frank Conniff and on Facebook and they can go to my website too, frankconniff.com. And you write once a week, twice a week, you'll write a brilliant, what I call a column for Facebook. Yeah, I've been doing these silly little essays. They're brilliant. Oh, thank you that I've been writing. I've been taking each one of the Republican nominees and writing a little essay. And I've done all of them now, except for I still have John K. Schicks and Carly Fiorina, I think, and... Saving the best for last. Yeah, and Jim Gilmore, who I don't even know if I'm right about or not. The former Virginia governor. Yeah. So, yeah, so I have a bunch of them and, you know, they're just a little fun, little silly 500-word things, you know. Frank Conniff, Frank Conniff, Frank Conniff, his tweets are beyond brilliant. They're terrific. And he comes by them, honestly. It's genetic with Frank Conniff. You know, I'm known as the Fat Irishman, but I steal everything from everybody. I hope that doesn't... I can say that here, because I know no one's listening about that. Oh, well, CAA is going to scoop you right up. Yeah, I was thinking I could get signed by CAA if I just started... if I stopped writing original tweets, you know. Well, you know, don't trash CAA. They had the courage a month ago to drop Bill Cosby. Oh, wow. That's right. That was very courageous, indeed. And Colleen Worthman, how do people follow you on Twitter and Facebook? I am on Twitter at C. Worthman, that's C-W-E-R-T-H-M-A-N-N. Not C. Worthman. No. That's not my last name you see. I know, but if your hearing is shot, it sounds like your name is C. Worthman. But I assume that this is... because this is a podcast, most of your listeners have fairly decent hearing. Yeah. I'm going to forge ahead with that assumption. But horrible taste. In the which case, please follow me on Twitter at C. Worthman. Again, that's C-W-E-R-T-H-M-A-N, like in Nancy. I'm so happy to see you guys. I want to talk today about what's the matter with Kansas versus what's the matter with Kansas City. Has anybody talked about this on The Nightly Show? What's going on in Kansas City? Well, we talk a lot about how Kansas votes against its own economic interests. That does a lot of the country. Right. It's just a most... He's of the brilliant book written by Thomas Frank, formerly of the Baffler, which is a late, great sort of quarterly, I don't know what you would call it. Yeah. Most of our country votes against its own interests. A large part of our country does, yeah. And we're finding out that in Kansas City, where there's a lot of black people... Everything's up to date, I heard. That perhaps black people vote against their own economic interests. The Black Lives Matters people have been interrupting Bernie Sanders and screaming, this isn't about economic opportunity. This is about racism. And on the way over here, I want to throw this out and talk to you about this. On the way over here, as an East Coast intellectual defeat snob, I make fun of Kansas. I say, oh, these idiots, they're only concerned about the American flag and Planned Parenthood and they only care about their guns. But meanwhile, all their jobs are being sent overseas. And as you said, what's the matter with Kansas? I read that book 15, 12 years ago, and I go, these morons. And then I see the Black Lives Matters people interrupting Bernie, who is this Brooklyn Jew from Vermont running for office, addressing the real issue that's going to help all of America and its economic issues. Folks, a rising tide lifts all boats. What are black people worried about? I'm going to get elected president and there are going to be jobs and there's going to be tariffs. And black people are going to be working again. Well, I can't imagine a better result of this upcoming election for black people than Bernie Sanders getting elected. But that's why I find I found the whole interrupting him thing. And a lot of my progressive friends were supportive of it. But I just thought it was really just the way progressives have a tendency to just circle the wagons and fire at each other, you know. Are black people and Colleen, you're black. You have your finger on the pulse of black America as a white woman who writes for Larry Wilmore. Indeed. Have you talked about black people, African Americans? We had two Black Lives Matter activists on our show this week. Okay. Did you talk about what's the matter with Kansas City? Why are black people now voting? Because I happen to agree with Black Lives Matters. Did you talk about black people voting against their own economic interest by interrupting Bernie Sanders? Well, you're assuming that that means that they're voting against their own economic interest. What happened is not necessarily that they're anti-Bernie, but they feel like my sense is that part of the reason that they're going hard at Bernie and Democratic candidates is because they feel like they'll actually listen instead of being called like thugs and getting arrested, you know. But the problem with that though is that they end up hurting, they end up hurting Bernie, you know. And I mean, was it effective? Well, you know, everybody says, oh, he appointed a black spokesperson like three days later or something. And yeah, and that's fine. But on the other hand, it's presenting his campaign in a, it's focusing his campaign on something that the, you know, when he was on Meet the Press the other day with that great journalist Chuck Todd, Chuck Todd just wanted to talk about that. He didn't want to talk about all the other anti-Wall Street message and all the other things that Bernie Sanders has to talk about. They want to focus on the, there was conflict. Oh, there was like a thing. So the media focuses on that. And on the one hand, okay, maybe that brings, that shines a light on the Black Lives Matter movement. But on the other hand, it hurts Bernie's campaign, I think. Okay. They should, we should, everyone who supports the things that Bernie believes in should be supporting his campaign. And I'm saying, and I'm a Hillary supporter, but I'm saying that that was bad for Bernie. Okay. It was bad for Bernie. Colleen Worthman. Yeah. Bad for Bernie. Why are Democrats so frightened of honest debate? The Republicans who are winning. They're not winning. Well, hang on for one second. The Republicans have been having a nervous breakdown since 2000. And it's fractured. And there's a civil war within the Republican Party. That the South is winning, I assume. Yes. Every four years, the smug white intellectuals on the East Coast say, oh, look at those Republicans. Like I just did two seconds ago. Yeah. Look at their nervous breakdown. Can you believe 20 people want to debate on Fox News? And they only have room for 10. And look at how Trump is attacking everybody. They're going to have, and they have real good, healthy, as healthy as a Republican can be, debate. And they win. They win in the Senate. They win in the Congress. They win in the State Houses. They don't win presidential elections. But so I'm sorry, what was your question? Like, hang on, they win in the State Houses because they're better organized. And 45-minute ramp. The groups like the Tea Party and the Religious Right are much better at getting out the vote on a local level. And the problem with liberals is they don't give a shit about midterm elections and local elections, which are actually just as important as the presidential election. But people shrug it off. And also they have gerrymandering on their side. And that's why they win the local houses. But on a national level, they're totally not winning. On a national level, they are not winning. And you're absolutely right. Colleen Worthman, if there were honest debate in the Democratic Party, which we don't have, we have this fear of 1972, a fractured Democratic Party because there's so many ethnicities and sexual interests. Don't you think that Democrats are so afraid of the Democratic Party being fractured by honest debate that it's Humpty Dumpty? They could never put the Democratic Party back together again. So you just go with a neoliberal like Hillary and you don't really pay attention to what she's saying. Or if you like Bernie, don't challenge Bernie. Don't open up the Pandora's box of Democratic special interests because we will never, ever be united again. Aren't we afraid of honest debate? And I mean, I think so. You know, I feel like pretty much there are as many striations in the Democratic Party as there are in the Republican Party. You know, the only difference is more people on that side are willing to go all in right now. Whereas on the Republican side and because Hillary has been around so long and she's such a juggernaut, I think specifically this in this election cycle, that's why people are reluctant to go in. I mean, Gillibrand could have run, you know, who else? Elizabeth Warren. Right. She could have. And they're like, no, I'm not even trying to mess with or Joe Biden. He could have run. Yeah, he could have. But do you think Frank Conniff, do you think we would be, we being Democrats would be better off with our gerrymandering and our state houses and being able to play the micro game if we were energized by debate? Well, I mean, I don't know where the debate, I think within our, if you contrast the Democratic contenders and the Republican tenders, I think on the Democratic side you have intelligent differences between the candidates. You have Bernie Sanders and you have Hillary Clinton who is actually moving further to the left probably because of Bernie Sanders. So that's a healthy thing that he's in the contest and she's, and it's making her move further to the left. So that's a much more intelligent kind of discourse that's going on in there as opposed to the Republican Party, you know, where it's just insanity. Making potshots, not wearing hearing aids and whatnot. Yeah, you know, so yeah, I don't really see, I think a lot of who people talk about the disarray in the Democratic Party, people talk about Hillary's campaign being in big trouble. That's all kind of bullshit. It's not really true. I think people are just desperate to fill the sun setting 24-hour cable news. Yes, and the whole thing of like Joe Biden might run for president is complete bullshit. He's not running for president. Maureen Dowd made up a conversation in her mind that he had with his dying son and it should have been awful. Yeah, it should have just been left at that. But then everyone in the media was like, hey, Joe Biden is running and I knew that there was an actual supposed real news column about a new story about it in the Times besides the Maureen Dowd column. And then when I finally read the New York Times story, they quoted as their source. Maureen Dowd's column was their source. Maureen Dowd's column should never be a source for anything or anyone. Exactly. She's a broken horrible writer. Oh, I don't know. Yes. I've never made a truer statement than Maureen Dowd is a fucking horrible writer. Word up. She's like a pastry. She's fun to read. It's like. How is she fun to read? No, she's like a dry croissant that makes you cough. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, she's just, I can say. Flaky in all the wrong ways. Oh, flaky. And plus, you know, her last, she's never written a nice word about Hillary Clinton, about Barack Obama, about Al Gore. She's just written three columns, fauning columns in a row about Donald Trump. She's still patting herself on the back for comparing him to Spock. It's like people did that like 30 seconds after. And Donald Trump just said, you know, Maureen Dowd is great. She did me a big favor. So how can anybody take her seriously after that? It's amazing to me that out of everyone, the journalist who's been toughest on Trump is Megan Kelly on Fox. And what does that say about the right wing? No, what does it say about our media? What does it say about our mainstream media that Fox and Chris Wallace asked some tough questions, too. Since then, Trump is getting such gigantic ratings for people that all anyone wants to do is do a fauning interview with him, pretend to ask him a tough question without cynical. Yeah, without asking him a tough question so that he won't get pissed off so that he'll come back on their show and they can keep getting big ratings so that they'll keep their access. Would you be willing to admit, Colleen Worthman, that Fox News, despite its right wing propaganda, that if you watch Brett Baer, that they are the best news organization out there? No, I wouldn't say that. What? Tell him. What kind of primrose path are you trying to lead me down, David Feldman? I'm talking about VisaV, MSNBC, and CNN. Don't, in other words... I thought they did a good job with the debate. They did a great job with the debate. You can see Ralph Nader on Fox News. You can see Medea Benjamin on Fox News. You cannot see them on CNN. No. Or MSNBC, which MSNBC, by the way, has become one 24-hour infomercial for Donald Trump, except for maybe Rachel Maddow's show, but every other show is just jumping on the Trump bandwagon big time. Except for Melissa Harris-Perry. Yeah, Melissa Paris-Perry and Rachel. You should... Harry? Called Melissa Harris-Perry. Melissa Harris-Perry, MHP. I like the other way. Melissa Harris-Perry, I don't... I want to ask you a question about John Stewart. Farron Balanced News. He was actually at our studio yesterday. Really? Yeah, because we just had our 100th episode. And he, since he's one of our executive producers, he popped by. We sort of had an all-hands meeting in the studio. And, you know, Rory Albany is our showrunner. He was like, congratulations, you guys. It was a lot of hard work. Have a great break. And then Larry thanked us all. He gave a really lovely speech about, you know, how hard everyone's been working. And then John Stewart talked to us and he said that is so fucking angry at us for finding our voice so quickly. It was really touching. It was beautiful. That's great. Great. Does he have a beard? He's got some stubble. He looked pretty exhausted, truth be told. I think just he's still decompressing. Yeah. So he went after a show called Crossfire in 2003 or 2004. Long time ago, yeah. 2003. Now Crossfire was a show on CNN. And John gets a lot of credit for getting Crossfire taken off the air. I maintain that was a disservice to journalism. I thought Crossfire was one of the best shows on television at the time. The only place you could hear in 2003 anti-war opinion was on Crossfire, that there was actually honest debate on Crossfire. I don't remember that. Yeah, I don't remember that either. I don't know why he targeted Crossfire. It was the only show that's co-hosted by Tucker Carlson. That's true. It's well worth targeting. He was right for him. And what he was saying- That guy's the worst. He's like Mr. Potato Head. Yeah. And what he said about Crossfire, he was really saying about all of the media. And everything he said about Crossfire then is true to an even much larger degree now about the entirety of the mainstream media. Have you ever read that George Saunders essay, The Brain Dead Megaphone? No, I don't think so. It's a fucking fantastic essay about just kind of how degraded our journalism has become, TV journalism specifically. Yeah. Where like the dumbest thing gets the loudest voice. I mean, it's perfectly true. Right now it's more true. It's only gotten more true. Why are you looking at me when you say that? You know what you did. Who was George Saunders? George Saunders. Who was George Saunders? He played Addison DeWitt in All About Eve. Oh no, you're talking about George Saunders. He is one of my absolute favorite authors. Have you ever read him? I think he wrote a really good suicide note over my thinking of somebody else. No, that's George Saunders. Oh, that's my favorite author. George Saunders who played Addison DeWitt in All About Eve wrote a suicide note saying, I'm bored. I'm out of here basically. Awesome. Which is what a lot of my listeners are doing right now. Please pen that note immediately. And have the courage to follow through with it. Here, if you know what, I'll write it for you. Okay, so all right. So who was George Saunders and who was George Saunders? We've established very well for all your listeners who are from the 1800s can appreciate a good George Saunders joke. Okay. Hey, I've got a main of them. And who is Bernie Saunders? Okay. Can I get a motherfucking word in Edgewise? Yes, you can. George Saunders is an absolutely brilliant author. He wrote a book called Pastoralia. He wrote one called Civil Warland and Bad Decline. Their books, they tend to be short stories. Short and medium length. Yeah, fiction writer. He actually teaches at Syracuse. And he just came out. Oh, he's still alive. Oh, yeah. Oh. Yeah. Okay. And last year he came out with this book called 10th of December, which is fucking spectacular. That was like his big breakthrough book. So amazing. Kind of a bestseller even. Yeah. Yeah, it was great. I have it. I haven't read every story in it, but I've read several. He has, a lot of his characters write in a kind of bad business English or like their narrative voice is like a bad business English. That's shitty integrated. And he uses a lot of, he's obsessed with like how people take medicines to control their personalities and their lives and his stories are funny and crazy in a very quiet, sad, quotidian way. I absolutely love his writing. Great. Great. All right. The Black Lives Matters. Thank you for that. Sure thing. Thank you. Black Lives Matters are black people, African Americans wrong for saying, and thank God we don't have any African Americans here to add some insight. Yeah, I think we're best qualified to speak on this issue. Well, we are because I'm a paternalistic Jew. So I like to tell people what's good for them. I'm an aggressive Irish German. And I find that when I'm around black people always feel good about themselves. You're upset with the Black Lives Matter. I'm not upset. I just disagree with that mythology. Can you separate racism from economic oppression? Is there something different? No, racism, it would seem to me, and I really am not qualified to talk about that. Well, you're a racist. Yes, as a racist I could say that racism and economic matters go very much hand in hand. Ah, and I am learning that you're wrong. And that's what Black Lives Matter is trying to teach us. Black Lives Matter, no S on the end. I'm part of a different... Oh, this is the splinter group? This is the splinter group. So you don't think racism plays any part in the economic suppression of a certain group of people? Here's something I would posit. I haven't used that word in like 12 years. Wow. Not all racism is economic oppression, but all economic oppression is racist. All economic oppression is racist. Think about redlining, you know? Think about even how hard it is for many Black homeowners to get home insurance, you know? Yeah. That shit is still happening. All right, so I interviewed and I really recommend everybody listens to this interview that I did with Justin Gifford. He's the, and you should have him on the show. He wrote the new book, Street Poison, the biography of Iceberg Slim. Oh. Have you had him on the show yet? No. Oh my God, you should have him on the show. He's brilliant. He's a professor of literature out of the University of Reno, wrote an amazing book about Iceberg Slim who I knew nothing about until Jerry Stahl turned me on to him. And Iceberg Slim was a pimp. Who wrote an incredible autobiography about his time as a pimp and in prison. Yeah. I read that years ago. I actually was in a play based on it. What did you play one of the? It was called Lady Pimp. It was a very crazy play. But it was inspired by that book. Lady? Yeah, I played the Lady Pimp. It was great. And were you, did you have a stable of men or women? Women. So you were a madam? No, I was a lady pimp. And you worked the streets? No, it was kind of like a weird monologue with like chime ins. I don't remember it terribly well. It was a short play, but it was very fun and funny. Okay. I want to get back to, so he was Professor Gifford and everybody should pick up this book Street Poison. It's the biography of Iceberg Slim. There's a documentary about him out too. Yeah, that's easier to do. That's what I watch. So I don't need to read the book now. He says that during Jim Crow, while there was economic incentive to create separate but equal, it was about racism, pure and simple, that the redlining that the creation of ghettos was set up to keep black people away from white people. Yeah. That the legislation, local legislation that put prostitution in the ghetto, they would enforce prostitution laws in white neighborhoods. It was against the law in white neighborhoods, but they let it thrive in the ghetto. They let drug deals go down in the ghetto. It sounds like an Elvis Presley song. Yes, in the white neighborhoods, drug deals were illegal. Because, not for economic reasons at the beginning, but because they wanted to establish the ghetto as the font of vice. They wanted people to perceive black people. Black neighborhood equals bad neighborhood. Not for economic reasons, purely racist reasons. So, Frank, black people, I'm beginning to understand, think racism is separate from lack of economic opportunity. I still don't agree with that because even if you're creating ghettos based on racism, the economic hardships that come to them, the opportunities that are denied to them from coming from those ghettos, comes from the racism that made their, if what you're saying is true, it comes from the racism that made the ghetto happen in the first place, and then that's affecting their economic climb and their social climb and their ability to rise in the society. So, even if what you say is true, that still doesn't mean that in this day and age, as a result of all that, that racism and economic issues are not completely tied in with each other. Right. What I'm beginning to learn, Colleen Werthman, is that Bernie Sanders, a Brooklyn Jew, I know the type. The problem between blacks and Jews is Jews are often perceived in the black community as paternalistic, and we have a tendency. I'm not saying all Jews, and it's a miscommunication. This is just some of the problems between blacks and Jews, that Jews tell black people what they should be afraid of and concerned about. And Jews like Bernie Sanders and me, although I'm learning, and Frank, you're an honorary Jew after that last statement. I thought being comedian made me an honorary Jew. We're saying to black people, you don't understand. Your feelings aren't legitimate. You need to be concerned about economic issues and not racism. We're going to teach you. I think they should be concerned about racism totally, but I don't think Bernie Sanders is their problem, you know? There are people running for president of the United States who are overt, outright, unapologetic racist. So out of all those people, why is Bernie Sanders their focus? Because he is supposed to be their savior. He's a white Jew from Brooklyn who moved to Vermont. It's a savior according to whom? A savior according to whom? He thinks of himself, and I do too, as the savior for the blacks. He looks at himself as a fighter and an advocate for progressive issues, which I think will help everybody, and I think it will help blacks. And it's not to say that black people don't have legitimate issues about this, but my point is, why is he the target? He's not the right target. To be fair, they've been targeting other people as well. A bunch of black lives matter. The two activists who were on our show this week tried to interrupt a Hillary Clinton campaign event in New Hampshire, and they were intercepted by the Secret Service, but then Hillary met with them backstage, and they filmed it. It's like a ten minute long video. In that video, Hillary Clinton said something that was really great. I don't believe in changing hearts. I don't think I can change people's hearts. I have to change the structure and the laws and the world we live in. I love that. That was so smart. That ten minute video was well worth watching. I remember Dennis Miller saying to me that I just don't believe racism can ever be eradicated, and I remember saying to him, that's why we needed Brown v. Board of Education. The government can dictate behavior. You can be a racist. You can still be a racist, but you can't force them to go to an inferior school. Right. Or not live in your apartment building. If because you're a racist, you prevent me from living in your apartment building, then you're breaking the law. Okay, back to racism. This is really important to me because I'm learning, and Cullen Worthman, you work on The Nightly Show. There are a lot of African-Americans on board. Racism is a separate issue from economic oppression, and that is what white Jews like Frank Conniff don't get. They don't get it. I think I'm ahead on the curve, and you're not, Frank. I challenge you. Yeah, I'm completely... Why are police officers shooting unarmed black men and not unarmed white men? Is that an economic issue? No, that's racism. I'm not saying that pure racism doesn't exist, but I'm saying that the economic issues will be better addressed by Bernie Sanders, and also, it seems to me, he would probably be more inclined to be sympathetic of people who are being shot by cops, of black people who are being shot by cops. But what's the matter with Kansas City? Well, you know what, Kansas City would be, to me, what's the matter with Kansas City would be trying to bring down Bernie Sanders' campaign. Exactly. That is the point I'm trying to make. What's the matter with Kansas City? Frank Conniff. I'm the matter with it, especially if you saw my set at Stanford and Sons when I performed there. Frank Conniff Colleen Werthman is saying there's something the matter with Kansas City. We all know there's something the matter with Kansas. What's the matter with Kansas City? Black people, by interrupting Bernie Sanders and focusing on racism. I know you keep harping on this, but what? Why are they not only focusing on economic issues? They're voting. Well, black lives matter is about police murdering innocent black people. Yeah. I would not be surprised if there is an offshoot that is more focused on economic issues, but the point of black lives matter, as I understand it, is that their focus is, hey, stop murdering us, period. Okay, so let me go back to Kansas then. Yeah, I disagree with this whole they're voting against their own economic opportunities principle that you're showing in my face. Like a flaccid dick. Like a bagel. Leave his flaccid dick out of it. Is this horrible? My girlfriend told me she wanted me to choke her during sex. So I put my dick down. No, okay. Wow. Yeah, that was a joke that I came up with, and Alex said, don't tell it. And by the way, we're going to talk about what's the matter with Brooklyn in a second. What's that joke for? Is it for like penthouse forum? No, it's for being removed from the radio version of this episode. I just have to tell you. Click and drag to the trash. Daily bit. From you, I expect only the highest quality auto-erotic. Seriously, because he's written some of the best ones that I've heard. I didn't write the best, but you did nail me at QED the other night. How many comics do five separate auto-erotic asphyxiation jokes? Back to back? He did several of them. Like a royal flush? Which I love, because then it just inspired me to do mine. Help me with this joke. Then I want to get back to my stupid premise. My girlfriend wants me to choker during sex. This is what I have so far, but I don't have the right punch line. My girlfriend wanted me to choker during sex, so I gave her a chicken salad sandwich with a lot of bones still in it. That's funny. Is it? Yeah. I like that very much. Do you? Alex? Thumbs up. That's way better. Chicken salad sandwich with a lot of bones in it. Is that funny? Yeah. And then I... Colleen, is this sexist? And then after the laugh I tag it with... I boned that bitch. Is that sexist? You know what, I like to... Sorry. I get off... What did you do? I boned her lovingly. I get off on choking during sex. That's why I always have a spelling bee when I'm having sex. Or I... Because you can't answer the... Yes, because I choke on it. I mean, I could say a tennis match or whatever, but... I feel like a spelling bee. I like... I choke. Because there's the idea that there's like an audience, like a judge's... Someone reading off the words. You're fucking someone and you go use it in a sentence, please. The best joke was written 20 years... I worked on Roseanne with a guy named Mike Ann Dolphy from San Francisco. Oh, Mike Ann Dolphy. You know his... Oh, I know him very well. I don't know if I know this joke, but I know him very well. Did you work on... Did you work on that show when Bobby Gaylord was there? No. Okay. He's a writer on our staff. Oh, say hello to Bobby Gaylord. Okay, I will. He should have... He should have circumcised his last name. Indeed. But I'm sorry. You were saying... I'm trying to be... See, this is why I love you guys. Let me explain something. We do a lot of shows here at showbriestudios. Yes. The elegantly appointed headquarters. Isn't it great? Yeah, really nice. It's fantastic. It's just getting nicer and nicer. Yeah. I like shows where I feel safe enough where I can just... Like, just fail. Okay. Yeah. It's so much more... And I like you guys because you're not afraid of failure. I had a... I wrote a thing for... That happens to me a lot. I wrote a thing for our show. The other man that just tanked. Like, Larry just looked at it and he shook his head and goes, This is insane. I was like, I liked it, but whatever. I've had more tanks than Rommel. Failure. It was something I wanted... I wanted to talk to... I won't move on. I want to get back to Kansas City. But I also want to talk about failure. I want to talk about Kansas City. Before we move on to failure and what's the matter with Brooklyn. That's the second half of our show. How deep are we in here? We need a clock, Mr. Brazil. How are we on time? We're at 36 minutes. Okay. Before we get to what's the matter with Brooklyn and failure, is it fair to say, and I think Obama would say this, that if black people think that there are things that are more important than economic issues, like don't kill our kids. Is it fair to say that Kansas should not be mocked for being stupid when they say, don't kill our babies? In other words, do they... When we say you're voting against your own... Don't you understand that abortion is a wedge issue? You're being tricked into voting for pro-life candidates. But whatever the black people, whatever problems they might have, they're not necessarily voting against their own interests because the ones that vote tend to vote for Democrats. So the black people who vote for Republicans are a whole other category of conservative Republicans. But even people who right now might have issues with Bernie Sanders and the way racism is being addressed, the ones who believe in voting next November, they're either going to vote for Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. They're not going to vote for Donald Trump or Scott Walker. Is that true? Whoever it's going to be. I'm disagreeing with your premise yet again. The thing is that when black people say, hey, stop murdering us, it's not the same as, hey, don't murder our babies. Policemen aren't running up to people's to women's uteruses and shooting them in the uter... You know what I mean? But that would be okay in a way. I mean, if it happened to me, I would welcome it. An unarmed fetus. Yes. You know? Well, I'm just talking about snobbery and elitism. What I'm saying is and Obama kind of talks about this or nibbles around the edges of this and that is we have a tendency to be smug about Kansas and say they're so stupid they only care about abortion. Meanwhile, they're being robbed, blind. And could it be, excuse me for one second, could you say that these are genuine Christian people who believe money is not the most important thing in the world, that it is family, and when you talk about economic issues and a rising tide lifts all boats, that's irrelevant to my faith. I believe in Christ. Well, there are many single-issue voters. They have a good reason, then, to vote against their own interests. Their own economic interests. Yeah, their own economic... If that other stuff is more important. But the other thing I disagree with you, I don't think that this idea of elitism is a big problem in our society. I would argue, if you'll... Yeah. I would argue that there is scorn and condescension on both sides. Right-leaning people, hate-left-leaning people, and think that we're fucking idiots. Or snobs or, you know, yuppie, bullshit, cappuccino, Volvo-drive, whatever that stereotype was from whatever election cycle that was, whether it was 2012 or 20, 2008. I... Shit. Well, what's your kind of thought? Let her find it. It's always interesting. But while she's finding it, I'll just say that we use the idea... Oh, I got it. Okay, go ahead. The idea that quote-unquote, most right-wing people are anti-abortion, that's just not true. It's like three or four percent. Right, right. They're the smallest... They're the powerful ones within the party. Like the fundamentalist right-wing Christian people are like a very small component. Just as like the hyper-hyper-liberal, you know, people who masturbate to the nation. Katrina Vanden Heuvel. Pretty hot. She... Don't you think? I'm just talking about the essays. I just always make sure I just to the left. Right. You know, the hyper-liberals are a small segment. That's all anyone talks about. The hyper-conservatives and you know, and again, the people who are kind of like, I have one big issue. Yeah. They get the megaphone. They get the megaphone, exactly. Just like George Saunders says. Right, yeah. And what I was going to say too is that your premise that there's this big elitism and smug East Coast thing going on, I think that's a false narrative. And I think... You're shoving all kinds of bullshit out today. Just his steaming plates. You know, I was watching... That's what I do. That's what the show is. I was watching Chris Matthews because I have no self-esteem. Did you maybe like, like trip in a household accident? Yes, exactly. You got your head on a table when you woke up. It was playing. Yeah. His camera has a windshield wiper on it just to wipe off all the spit. Yes, I believe it. But anyway, they had... It was him and Michael Steele and my friend, Joan Walsh, was on. You're friendly with Joan Walsh? I am friendly with Joan. I really want to... I just wanted to work there and I have nothing else to say. No. Did she ever find her missing kid? Joan Walsh. Oh, that's John. John Walsh. Sorry. From the line. Joan Walsh, one of the best writers. But anyway, she... They were talking about how Trump's poll numbers have gone up even after he said all these horrible things and she's... And they showed some focus group of people saying they loved him, you know, and she was saying, well, these people are like the lowest common denominator. And then they completely berated her for being an elitist for saying something that is so obviously true, you know, and there's this whole thing in the media of, you know, Obama's an elitist, Democrats are an elitist, or elitist. You know, George W. Bush was just a good old boy. He's a guy you could have a beer with and there's something preferable to that, to like a smarty pants east coast person and it's just all bullshit. Okay. It's my point. Yep, agreed. Colleen. Cops. Mm-hmm. Shooting unarmed black men. Mm-hmm. Black men reach for a wallet 67 shots. Mm-hmm. Is the problem you said about Hillary? Uh-huh. She said, what did she say? Like she said, you can't change people's hearts. You can change the structure and the laws and the world that their hearts live in. How do we frame the Black Lives Matters problem? Because it is a problem because I think... What do you mean by that? What I mean is nobody's willing to say this. And when you say we, who do you mean? I mean we, the people, America, we will not say what I'm about to say. Which is. Because it requires more than a sound bite. If, as Hillary says, you cannot change people's hearts, you cannot change the cops, they are racist and they are afraid of black men. Mm-hmm. Are we wasting time trying to cure racist cops? Wouldn't we be better off treating their fear of the black man? And their fear of the black man is that black men are packing heat. Now, that's not true. At least in the instances where they get shot. Right. It isn't true. So, you know, here's the problem. You can't talk about this because it can't be reduced to a sound bite. So nobody's going to say this. The problem isn't that black people have guns. The problem is that cops are frightened of getting shot because there are too many guns in this country. Because many cops are stupid and racist, they see all these guns being sold and they figure, well, black people are violent. They're all carrying guns. If they reach for something, it's a gun. Why aren't black people unarmed black men getting shot in England or France? Because there are fewer guns. So isn't the problem guns? Well, guns are certainly an unsolvable problem here. It's a horrible tragedy. So is racism. I'm not... You're the one who's saying they're mutually exclusive, David. Why are you like making it like it's my fault? What the fuck? I'm so happy. This makes me so... So pathetic I am. It's profoundly irritating. You know how sad my life is? So sad. This is the highlight of my week. But this moment right now, Frank, that little interchange. That's just, yeah. That's why I always see on the street calling everybody racist. You just want to get our people to talk to you. Oh, God. Go ahead. I mean, clearly racist police practices must be fixed with laws and with better training. And also, guns are a horrible problem in our society. Obviously, we all agree on that. Right. And there should be more gun control. Period. But that, of all the issues going on, that's the one that's the farthest away from changing ever. Because if, you know, the fact that police are afraid that black people have guns, that's not going to make there be gun control. If a guy going into a school and shooting 12 kids to death, they're never black. And a guy going into a church, well, in the church, they were black. You know, if that's not going to cause gun control, which it hasn't, then I don't... God help us. Of everything I can think of, gun control is... God, it doesn't exist. Can't help us. Gun control is the one thing we're not going to see changed in our lifetime. If I were still running for Bill Maher, I would suggest a new rule. Cops have to start shooting. More unarmed white people? Yeah, because white people are the ones who really are shooting up all the... They are. And you know, there was all this concern and hyped up fear about that movie straight out of Compton that, you know, they increased... Oh, that they beefed up... They beefed up security at movie theaters. And because, you know, all this violence happens during really black films, like Trainwreck and... Batman. The Dark Knight Returns or whatever. It's all of the movie theater violence that's happened has been by white people during white movies. By the way, did you see straight out of Compton? I did not. It's really good. Well, colors. Remember the movie the Robert Duvall? There was shooting. That's Sean Penn and Robert Duvall. There were gang shootings back then. Right. But that was like, you know, that was a million years. That was a long time. That was in like 1991 or something, right? That's when there was an actual term called going postal. Yeah. Because of post... Because post office workers were the ones doing the shootings. And that is over. And the worst... Because they solved that problem. Right. Well, now they have the forever stamps, so... How much does it cost? Forever. No, they did solve that. They were able to solve postal people going postal. Well, but there's one bad thing about that is that fewer people are using the word disgruntled, which is something that's bad for our society, I think. Does it make you gruntled? Yes. I'm gruntlin' right now. If I would think gruntled should mean disgruntled. If I'm grunt... What does disgruntled mean? I don't know. Gruntled must be good, then. Like, your kids have. Yeah. I'm gruntled about this. So you don't think... Because I just want to repeat this because I think it's profound. If you cannot change people's hearts, change the laws, get rid of the guns. Get rid of the guns now. There's another thing that nobody's talking about. David Feldman. Yes, of course. The problem in Ferguson, they say, is the militarization of our police. Water cannons. Sound cannons. Sound cannons and tanks and all this equipment coming back from Iraq and Afghanistan being turned over to our police. And President Obama says, we're going to put an end to this. We are not going to turn our police into paramilitary organizations. And I say, what the... What are you talking about? Give them everything. Do you know how many guns... So the police are going to be... have fewer arms than these crackpots who are hoarding weapons? I want the police to have all... But a lot of the crackpots are on the police force though. It's true. And on our radio show the other day, we had Randy Kredico, who you probably know. Love Randy. Yeah, Randy's a great guy. He's still talking right now, as a matter of fact, on your radio show. Very extremely left wing. Really left wing. And he is against gun control because he says, if the cops are armed, I want to be armed too. If the cops are going around shooting people, I want to be able to defend myself. And this is just a really extremely left wing guy who, if you have that vision of our society, where we're in a police state where black people and other people have to be worried, then he says, let me don't take my gun away. Colleen? Well, I don't believe that tanks are going to prevent crazy people from shooting things up. I just don't. Yeah, that's a good point. And I don't think that turning a police force into a paramilitary organization is a good idea. I mean, it's like a cute take, but I totally disagree with the concept. I want to go back to the simple days of the platoon on the beat. Yeah. Well, if I were a cop, and I was going out on the street every day, I can't even get in the fashion police. You would make it. If I were going out every day and thinking about... You would make a terrible policeman. Really? Yeah. I would beat up unarmed white people all the time. I would just... Just crack them over the head with your night stick? If the cops, be honest. If the cops were beating the shit out of entitled white people for being entitled white people, would you be upset? It would depend on what they were doing. I'd be upset because my goal is to one day be an entitled white person. When you see a white person driving their Volvo and talking on the phone and texting, don't you think we'd all be better off if the cop pulled them over and just took the phone, shoved it up their ass, and beat the shit out of them? That would be a satisfying on one level, but I think we'd all be better off if the cop pulled them over and arrested them for texting. I happen to think that Volvos are really nice, safe vehicles. So the person texting... As nice as your flannel shirt and Birkenstocks? Yes. And the cat fur all over you? We actually have a Subaru Forester because my husband and I are both lesbians. Oh, okay. Well, I would like the cops to be... If it were like an Audi or a Lexus, I would be more on board with that. Okay. Pedophilia. Yay! We're gonna get to Brooklyn in failure, by the way, we will. Pedophilia. I'm just offering up. We have bagels, coffee, orange juice. Pedophilia. I'm gonna come out right now and say opposed. Okay. Rough week for Jared Fogle. He can go fuck himself. Well, truly. If he had done that, he wouldn't be in jail. You know, it's just been a bad week. iTunes. Did you see the Daily News headline? Subhuman. Alright, we're kicking a man when he's down on his knees. Let's kick him, fuck that guy. He had a rough week. iTunes turned down his new dating app, Kinder. Hahaha! He tried to become the spokesman. I love that joke. That's fun. He tried to become the spokesman for Giznos. He turned him down. Yes, well... One of my office mates corrected a joke yesterday. It was like, Quiznos just changed his slogan to our subs are toasted. And also, we don't employ sex preference. Hahaha! I have some... I want to talk about pedophilia. Here's the thing though. I will say this. There is so much hysteria about you know, he's he's like, he's got child porn and I do feel like it's a little weird like there is such a like in pornography, there's like so much like teen porn. I feel like, why are we surprised that people want to have sex with teenagers? And there's a lot of there's a lot in our culture of sexualized teenagers and it's accepted and it's it's considered okay. I'm not advocating you know, for Jared Vogel fucking child prostitutes. What I still just find I find really weird about the whole thing is that he lost a ton of weight so that he'd look good when he was paying for sex. I don't quite understand the logic behind that. He was a fat creepy tool and then he was just a skinny and then he got thinner and so you know, when he came up and said, hello, I'd like to buy sex. Well, we're finding a Alex Brazel the owner of show Bruce Studios he didn't lose weight from eating subway. He lost all his weight by giving candy to little boys. He gave us all his candy. I think girls were his target. Yeah, he was into girls. So he's not a pervert. Come on. It was girls, it does count. All right, I got a couple things I want to talk about in terms of pedophilia. Do we know any good websites? We we just talked about black people and the problem with the police and that police are dangerous and the police have to be policed. Pedophilia in this country I'm going to guess is a problem. I used to believe that there was no such thing as child porn that the FBI was creating honey traps. This was before the internet. This is what I was told by people who I respected and they said to me there's no such thing as child porn. Most of it has been produced by the FBI and it doesn't even exist. The FBI is just trying to lure people into a honey trap. Where did you read this on like a geocities? No, this was this was first amendment conventional wisdom up until about the internet and now the internet I guess has planted ideas in people's heads. I think the internet is giving people exactly what they want. Communities find themselves. There are whole websites for people who like to chew ice. There are so many weird behavioral things in the world. The hardest thing you could do is invent a new fetish. I think too, because people who might live in a small town or something and they're gay or they want to be transgendered or they have some kind of thing about them that makes them feel unusual or alone and makes them feel different. They can find a community of like-minded people on the internet and that can be a very positive thing. Because before that someone could just feel completely alone. I'm the only one in the world who has this weird fetish or who- As you said in your act about Comic-Con what does Comic-Con do? Well, Comic-Con is a community of what? It helps people who are into comic books, animation, popular culture, video games find other people with type 2 diabetes. That's a great joke. By the way, Frank Conniff is like you're stand-up and it's really gotten it was always great but watching you at QED the other night your move to New York was the smartest thing you've ever done. You remind me of Eddie Pepitone in that I'll take that as a compliment for sure. You're the kind of guy who just needs to be up on stage every night because your genius comes through and I thought in Los Angeles you, me, not Eddie was getting up every night but being in New York it allows great comics like you to really I've been on stage more and I'm still not on stage as much as I'd like to be Let me get back to pedophilia Let me get back to pedophilia I'm worried about pedophilia because it reminds me of terrorism Wait, what? When the World Trade Center came down although I'm a denier Well, didn't you go to the didn't you take a date to the top of the World Trade Center one time? And what happened? Well, it was after the attack Oh, right, it was much cheaper Maybe that's the joke No, I'm going to get in trouble for doing this drill Way better No, no, I just fixed a joke I took my date, I remember I used to take my girlfriend to the top of the World Trade Center It was after 9-11 because it was much cheaper, in fact, they were free actually, they had chili Did you just put a crazy straw in the reflecting fountain? Terrorism, so certain things are off the table, when we're under the threat of terrorism you cannot discuss certain things When we're a nation at war you cannot discuss whether or not we should be, it's unpatri... Okay, are we getting there with pedophilia? I don't understand the comparison Can it be that the police can charge somebody with pedophilia? He pled guilty I know he pled guilty I know that, and I'm not saying he's innocent but I'm saying once you're accused of pedophilia it doesn't matter if it's true he remembers that the McMartin preschool was innocent Do you remember? I don't know what you're talking about Woody Allen's only one won Academy Awards Oh wait, was that the shit with the recovered child abuse memories? I'm not saying Jared's innocent I just... If the police can plant evidence I feel like, wait, are we going off the rails At first I thought you were saying that we are in a culture where we so profoundly condemn child pornographers or people who are pedophiles that there's no conversation to be had about how it happens or why But then, you said it's all about conspiracy of planning evidence and stuff like that Gene Simmons' house now is being investigated for child porn It's too bad I loved her in Guys and Dolls Wow Okay Was George Saunders in that? No, he wasn't, but I'm sure he worked with Gene Simmons Gene Simmons from his house now is being investigated The house is using child porn? There's a child protective task force in California I thought it was because they had reason to leave Gene Simmons live there Okay So, you know, there's a task force in California whose job it is to find child porn Good Yes And the problem with that is when you have a bureaucracy when you have a government agency whose job it is to find porn they are going to find porn sometimes where there is none because they have to justify their job Do you actually believe this? That hysteria can erase our rights I think that the police planted a I believe that Ferman, Detective Ferman planted a bloody glove on OJ's property I believe OJ was framed for a murder he committed I believe the police plant evidence I believe I believe that we have to take a step back and know that the police plant evidence and it is very easy these days for somebody to hack your computer and put stuff on it Yeah, but a hack is traceable too Is it really? Yeah You don't think we're running into a danger of the police? Well, you know what we are running into a danger of and this is a whole other story that we haven't talked about is the Ashley Madison hack and everyone is as was I was gleeful to see that Josh Duggar was caught but the whole thing okay, it's fun to make fun of Josh Duggar but we're all susceptible Do you know what he listed as his biggest turn-ons? My sisters This is a family made I'm giving my own rap air horn for my own joke But everything the idea that any of us have any privacy on the internet is just an illusion that we all have any site that you visited anyone has done can eventually be hacked and our privacy is in danger and the people who did the Ashley Madison hack they're the bad guys in this whole thing Here's someone I'm not worried about their rights being violated Gene Simmons I'm not worried about Gene Simmons's civil rights I'm not worried about pedophile civil rights particularly Let me finish The people who most need to be looked out for are children who are victims of being forced to participate in child pornography Those are the real people that need to be worried about I agree with you When it comes to child pornography I firmly believe in the principle of Occam's razor If it looks like a person has child porn if the fingers point to it they pretty much have child porn Right I'm going to push back on that And I love conspiracy theories and shit I'm going to push back on that because partly because I cannot imagine anybody having child porn Well imagine it A lot of people have it And you're not being able to imagine it is not based on any That's your own moral principles One or two percent of people are pedophiles How funny would it be if right now the police busted open the door to the studio And I get arrested for child porn That would be funny And I run it And 100% predictable Just actual facts I just can't imagine that anybody would be turned on by this You can find David at Methinkseaduthprojects.com He also has a podcast called Boy I Love Child Pornography Which is not that It's a pun Boy, I sure look Which is not as big on iTunes Well Don't think I'm not worried about this because I do I'm a champion of the First Amendment And I do fear the police And I'm constantly thinking If I talk about this Will I have evidence planted on my computer I think you're giving them too much credit That's what I'm saying My computer's already been seized I think your life is too boring Well, I don't like to In all honesty, what you just said Colleen I would assume you're a champion of the First Amendment Yeah But that blanket statement Gives too much power To the police I am 100% on board with Child porn task forces I know a woman who does it for a living And she's a fucking awesome person Right And again Back to the McMartin pre-school I'm going to be interviewing An author named Beck Believe his name is Beck He has a new book called We Believe the Children You have, and it's a Bath and McMartin pre-school The hysteria of That's two different things though Planting false memories Or inventing false memories And planting false evidence I don't know the McMartin pre-school That's why I'm saying But you sound like People after 9-11 And that's why I'm equating Pedophilia to terrorism Because they're both horrible things And I'm just I worry That this We all know pedophilia is Bad as It's terrorism But when you Talk the way you're talking You run the danger Of giving too much Power to the police That's all I said Obviously there's a tension between But her talking The way she's talking Of the idea that The children should be the priority What she said is if it looks like Pedophilia, if it smells like pedophilia It's pedophilia and punish the person That's what she said If a person has porn It's like child porn I think that It's not really When you see it Because there are visiting certain sites That are for that That have a million, billion gateways In all honesty I Cannot believe that there are actually Sites I've never visited one You're berating me as though I don't believe in the first amendment Here's the thing Would you dare To go to these sites When you're typing with anybody I would if I were part of a task force And people knew that that's why I was going So we're trusting this is how it works now In this country I have never Ever visited Excuse me for one second Here's the problem Here is the problem I love this I'm so happy It's exactly like Terrorism When I go on Because every time you leave your house There's an orange alert No Colleen is You've said 5 million times that pedophilia equals terrorism Now what? I am terrified when I go on the internet Of hitting The wrong site That's because you're old though I had to buy my son a gift I was like terrified Okay I None of us Nobody Has ever Typed in A pedophilia website Nobody has gone to one To one one one Nobody we know has gone to one 100% disagree with that assessment I'm talking about This is the point I'm making You've never seen Child porn on the internet I've never seen child porn on the internet You are going to trust the government to tell us What we have We're allowed to look for this stuff We find it The only people who actually See child porn Are the police And the pedophiles And we have to trust the police To tell us What are you suggesting a civilian task force For pedophilia That's a problem But I am worried that only the police So what's the solution David? We should all look at child porn You know Because we're put Because the problem is The McMartin preschool The problem is trusting the police The problem is That only police Officers And pedophiles You said the same thing three times What is the solution I'm saying Be very wary When Jared Fogel Pleads guilty So you think it was forcibly It was a force confession It might be part of An overall sting against Spokesmen for Sandwich companies It could be Jimmy John taking him down Yeah, Ronald McDonald might be next Okay, there is a law In California We're gonna get to Brooklyn, Alex This is a great show Is it? You still haven't answered My question What's the solution Here's the solution You ready for the solution? Here's the solution And once again I'm gonna talk about something That nobody else is willing to talk about In California There was a law Past this year That if you're a Psychiatrist or psychologist And Your patient Tells you That You have Looked at child porn You have to report That patient To the police Okay I believe That the law also says That if A person says they have Feelings For a child The Psychiatrist or psychologist Is on the border Line As to whether or not They're obligated to report The There's a whole episode of This American Life about this Have you not heard it? No So there's a teenager who told his mom And then He went to a therapist about it And he like, I know I'm attracted to children Well He's maybe like 16 and a half Or 17 years old now But when this first happened Ira Glass is 16 and a half Sorry Yeah, that's why his voice is so youthful His poor name is Ira Ass God help us God help us God who doesn't exist Help us Go ahead He started an online Like a bulletin board for other Teenagers who are attracted to Children that don't want to They know that it's wrong to act on it And they are sort of like their own little AA group I'm not saying that they're affiliated with a 12 step program Because they're not It's a 12 year old stuff It's a really It's a really profound episode And what happened to them? They're still doing it They weren't arrested Yeah, they're trying to deal with their problems No, they're trying to make an awareness of it That's a great thing Yeah, to like say oh I have this problem And I'm gonna That takes a lot of courage to do that too But you know You can Accidentally Come across a site that you don't want to go to That happened You know I'm like a big animation fan So one time by accident You were like tentacle porn four year old No, by accident Just seeking out good animation I stumbled upon the Nambla Barbaras And Okay So I did A series of shows About a documentary That Made me Berg directed about pedophilia in Hollywood And one of the things that I learned Is something that I already knew Is that Pedophilia can't be cured Okay, so in the con And this makes me very angry And this is something never discussed And again Everybody nibbles around the edges Here is the question I kept asking this On the series of shows we did about The Hollywood pedophilia Quote unquote epidemic I asked Can pedophilia be cured And they all said no So if it can't be cured They pass a law In California that says If a pedophile goes To a shrink and says I have him The one you just told us about What do you do So what do you do Well I mean Some pedophiles are treated They're chemically castrated Some just rot in jail Some are just isolated I think they have to be This is way too big for me to even know What should be done But it seems that Some kind of Way could be figured out for people To they're not cured But they can control it A lot of people They're not really alcoholic And Supposedly I'll never be cured But I've controlled it And I've been part of a program That helps That's made me for almost 30 years now Not shrink So if there's no cure for it Then finding a cure Is a waste of time then But then something else has to be figured out To help someone control something That they're never going to be cured But we never talk about this The assumption that pedophilia Is a disease Is Very much debated It's a condition, not a disease Or is it a sexuality Exactly If you're born gay Can you just be born a pedophile I think they probably are born pedophiles So you just have to put them someplace Where there are no kids or young people Like the Friars Club That's why there's so many pre-deal men there Alex Brazil That was Alex's joke Very good He looks at me with such contempt right now Here's why I thought his eyes looked mirthful This is one of our best shows I just wish we should be doing this once a week I can totally always depend To come in here and talk about nice Lighthearted fun stuff After a long week Of writing material About racism and police brutality It's so refreshing to come And talk about racism and police brutality Talking Does any of these conversations Happen on The Nightly Show Yeah Where people are as stupid As I am and ill-informed Well our writing staff Goes from liberal to Extremely liberal The whole spectrum You know there are A couple people who are a little bit more Fact-checky and skeptical The second most conservative Guy on our writing staff Volunteered for Obama's campaign in 2012 So like But there are idealists And there are pragmatists And there are skeptics And some knee-jerk contrarians Also we got a couple of those And then a couple pathological narcissists To cap it out Fucking annoying as shit Anywho Brooklyn So hot right now Why? I don't know everyone's moving there It's so expensive now Is Brooklyn another country? Explaining to me Let me frame this Last night it stand up in Brooklyn And I walked off stage And Alex Brazil was with me And he was furious I couldn't take it I was off my game Oh you bailed on your set? I bailed on my set And I said to Alex who's much younger than I am That failure is important That's important to fail And it's important to give up That there are a lot of people Who aren't going anywhere But they're not going away And I went away last night I was just you know I was bad Isn't it important to just give up? Like you know Don't we have 2 million dead Iraqis because America just couldn't give up Didn't we destroy Vietnam Because we just couldn't give up Alex is giving me this lecture You never quit You never bail out You stay in there till the end And I said no I quit I walked away I do that when I write jokes sometimes If I'm like laboring over something If I catch myself thinking the thought I know this is a good premise Right Then I have to check myself go Colleen If it was a good premise The fucking clutch line would be coming Abort And then I give myself an abortion It's so fun you guys I do it like 10 times a week It's an instinct when you're writing a joke of I just have the premise but I know There's a good joke here Sometimes you gotta just like squeeze off The end of the turd Wipe your butt and go Poop jokes guys But isn't it good to quit Well the thing about what you did last night Which I assuming was an unpaid Spot in a show Just because I'm David Feldman and who would Ever offer me money for my standoff Every spot I've ever done in New York has been unpaid But If you're being paid to Middle or something and you have to do 30 minutes Then as a professional You have to do all of your time Yeah that's a good point You were not under such an obligation last night So You were under contract with yourself to try out new material Or whatever right? Yeah People should quit Nobody quits anymore I always quote I always quote a comedian I used to know Minneapolis who unfortunately Is passed away a very funny guy named Bill Bauer who Wild Bill Bauer When he was Bombing he'd say Well folks I've suffered for 20 minutes Now you're going to suffer for 20 minutes That seems to me to be The right thing it's just okay I really love it There's that famous, well I don't know But it was a viral video of Bill Burr Like just Be rating this horrible audience And he said I'm not getting off before my time is none And he just Was like telling him how stupid and awful they were They were all screaming It was like a beautiful thing I love it when people just embrace their Bombing hood It can be really beautiful It can be a really funny thing To just be like wow You guys do not like me at all And I am just soaking it in One time I was doing Like a one nighter Years ago And I was just Eating it so badly And I said This and I knew because I knew The reaction it would get I said and so In conclusion Yes That was like the one response I got From the audience the whole time Alright we're going to wrap it up I want to tackle a couple of short issues And I didn't see In front of me so I want to Plow through these if we can Alright speed round Presidential candidate D's nuts My favorite There's a kid A 15 year old kid in Wallingford Iowa Who registered D's nuts For president in 2016 With the FEC D's nuts is now polling at 9% In North Carolina I think 8% in Minnesota And like 7 in Iowa Do you think as it gets colder We did a ridiculous sketch about it last night As it gets colder in Iowa We'll see less of D's nuts I think D's nuts support will shrink Trivel up And not Everybody forgets You have to be 35 to be president Right but D's nuts isn't going anywhere Wasn't that Rick D's original Last name D's nuts Two Boston men have been charged for beating A homeless Mexican man Inspired by Donald Trump Make America great again You heard one of the assaulters say Donald Trump is right all the illegals Need to be deported Trump's reaction was I haven't heard about that I will say that people who are following me Are very compassionate They love this country And they want this country to be great again And everybody here has reported it Is this an example of why We should no longer take Trump as a joke Like the media has been doing And that we should start viewing I think the media isn't treating him As enough as a joke Is my opinion The media is actually treating him Very seriously And not just They're softballing him Like we were talking about before He gets them huge ratings They give him softball interviews And they talk about Oh, he's really appealing To a dissatisfaction in this country And he should be taken seriously He should be treated And I don't blame him for doing stories on him Because he does attract viewers And they want ratings Every story on him should be about Here's what the racist, sexist Crank Donald Trump said and did today That's how he should be treated He's not being treated like that at all Is it hate speech, Colleen? When people are being beaten up And citing Donald Trump Is Donald Trump Guilty of hate speech? Yes, he said all Mexicans are rapists Yeah They're raping our women It's hate speech that because of him Is becoming more and more accepted People love him because they agree With his racist views He's getting ratings so He's not being challenged And it's all hate It's very disgusting Bertherism is hate speech GOP Louisiana director Jason Dorr says he was on Ashley Madison For research According to a recent data Hundreds of other government officials Have been doing their research I'm not going to do the Ashley Madison v Marbury I don't think that's true Maybe Colleen thinks that's funny Okay I'll give it a 3.5 Do you know they found a bunch of data About Chris Christie on the Dolly Madison site? That's a deep cut They also found something like 20,000 pentagon accounts To me, all of this Ashley Madison stuff It's none of our fucking business People are having affairs They're being adulterous Drawback, that's a You know, a flaw In human nature, whatever It's between them and their wives It's not any of our business Should the pentagon Investigating its own Because thousands and thousands Of pentagon official soldiers Use their work computers To go on Ashley Madison They're committing adultery When they should commit more atrocities More drone strikes Boning less boning Is adultery a problem In The military? Why is that? You look like you're jerking off your arm right now What are you doing? Is that something that we should be concerned About with our military? We should be concerned if there's Not enough fucking going around The one guy who President we've had who Dropped an atomic bomb was Harry Truman So, you know And Franklin Roosevelt Who was a great president Had affairs I'm not defending any of that behavior I'm just saying that one thing does not Necessarily associate With the other The governance and the personal life Aren't necessarily intertwined I believe that it is our business Because I find it absolutely hilarious And I love it when people's Hypocracies are busted But Josh Duger's hypocrisy Is being busted But a guy who works at the Pentagon Who's having an affair Who's cheating on his wife However bad that is That's not a hypocrisy That's just a guy having an affair He's not like Josh The fact that Josh Duger was a part of That's a fair point Anyone on the family research council Deserves whatever scrutiny But just someone having an affair Sidebar into fat town For a second There are like all these fake women On Ashley Madison That's what I wanted to ask you Don't ever say something that David Was about to say They'll give him a heart attack They employ people to play women Because a lot of people use Ashley Madison Not to actually facilitate In real life affairs But it's like fantasy play It's like talking online There is no such thing Like only 5% of the people on Ashley Madison Are actual women There is no such thing as a woman Who will go on a website To be a mistress To be a mistress 5% apparently We're wrapping it up No woman Well, it's unlikely It's statistically unlikely Wants to go online And have sex with a man who's married Some women probably do Women don't want to have sex I don't think he can make that From David's extensive personal experience Women don't want to have sex We've done shows on this I've spoken to anthropologists And doctors And no woman wants to have sex This is a fact That women are not into sex They're into Finding Sperm People perpetuate Like humpback whales A trait that they find desirable If that's the case, my sperm is all over the place So they can find that That's on the left, right? Women only want to have sex For For the DNA To pass on To the next generation Alex, stop giving me that dirty look Malcolm Gladwell condemns Ivy League schools Harvard and Yale I love this issue For paying exorbitant amounts of money To private equity firms to manage Their endowment What? In other words, $480 million Harvard and Yale is spending $480 million A year To have their money managed How big is their endowment? Billions That's like a commission I guess Who should be managing Harvard and Yale's money? Vanguard The Vanguard Group What about Vanguard? They do a perfectly good job Why is Malcolm Gladwell's What's his point? Here's my point If you have an endowment of $100 billion No money manager is going to beat What Vanguard can do for you An index fund You don't need money managers That is a job I don't understand any of this That's how you get ripped off Even Harvard and Yale Get ripped off by money managers Do we know that they're getting ripped off? Yes, because if you have a money manager You're getting ripped off, and that's a fact All of that extra money should be going To giving people who can't afford to go to college Scholarships Look, I went to NYU Which is the world's most successful Real estate company Masquerading is a Neo-Marxist Haven I live in their neighborhood Just NYU Thanks to them, the bottom line isn't around anymore That's a real shame Alright, we're going to wrap it up I want to thank Colleen Werthman How do people reach you to complain Until you never do the show again You're wasting your time with David Feldman I had a fun time talking with you Despite how incredibly annoying All your views are I had a wonderful time talking with you You should have you too on the Larry Wilmore show That would be a great panel If they want to get cancelled And what is your handle on Ashley Madison? I am not on Ashley Madison Franklin? I am on Assy Madison That is my second stupid ass pun of the day Thank you very much People can find me at Thefamilyresearchcounsel.com You can find me at nra.org If you google me You will see Kitty Werthman, my great aunt Who lives in South Dakota and who is a rabid Anti-abortion activist In what state? South Dakota They don't have abortions in South Dakota You cannot get an abortion in South Dakota It's extremely difficult And it's due a lot to her Which is why I love making Which is why I love talking about her Oh she's against abortion And she's your great aunt She doesn't sound like great to me She's not, she sucks From the show Briz Studios In downtown Manhattan That'll do it for us The David Feldman shows made possible By listeners like you I'm taking it easy today on you Because it's the summer The drill, you know what I'm asking you to do I'm asking you to shop on Amazon Via the David Feldman show I'm also asking you to become A member, become a subscriber For five dollars a month I'm asking you to donate money You know what I want That'll do it for us From the show Briz Studios In downtown Manhattan I'm David Feldman, thank you for joining us