 It's clear to me now more than ever that I'm a movie lover, not a hater. Why else would I have front loaded this comic book movie bracket with only the finest films? I saved all the garbage for the end here. It's a rough one today, we're going to be talking about the good, the bad, and the duck nipples on movie feuds. It's been decades since I've seen most of these movies and the ones I do remember I would much rather forget. This list of cast, it's going to be quick, it's going to be a little bit more rapid fire than usual. How are the duck really punishes Leah Thompson's career here? She plays love interest Beverly Switzler. I'm not sure what's more creepy, the incestual mother-son relationship from Back to the Future or the duck on human tension in Howard the Duck. My boy T-Duck is voiced by Chip Zion or Zine, but over half a dozen other people are credited to helping bring this abortion to life. Tim Robbins and Jeffrey Jones are also subjected to this scorching hellfire. Steel is the saddest fucking attempt I've ever seen in a superhero movie. Cut off the heels of critical darling Kazam, Shaq does it again. He manages to make acting seem impossible for any mortal to achieve. Never have I witnessed such a dead-eyed, lifeless performance, except maybe from Cinnamon, my local stripper from down the street. Subscribe for more crazy callbacks to previous episodes. It's a lot of fun. The Breakfast Club's Judd Nelson and Richard Rowntree know they're in a fucking nightmare, but they signed up for this. That's on them. This male equivalent to Shaq's acting pedigree comes from a skinny blonde playboy model. Pamela Anderson is future-proof, as she gives inspiration to all those models on Instagram. You can do it girls, sky's the limit. As long as your perky have blonde hair and fake tits. I caught this flick on SkinnaMax back in the day because internet porn wasn't an option at the time. I didn't think I could have been more disappointed with the lack of sex appeal. Speaking of dark and gritty garbage, let's talk the spirit. I watched precisely 10 minutes of this movie before deciding life is too short. Once they started throwing shit, including an actual kitchen sink, I was out. Perhaps it got better. I wasn't in the mood to give it a chance. Please let me know in the comments and I will try again. Frank Miller is a triple threat in this picture, and I mean that in the worst way possible. He wrote, directed, and acted here. Couple of Avengers join the fun. Samuel L. Jackson and Scar Joe get the black and white treatment. That wasn't meant to be a racial comment, but it certainly turned into one now. Queen City's Jamie King is back with Miller again, and Eva Mendez decided that Ghost Rider wasn't the last shitty comic film she wanted to be in. Good for you Eva. That's the spirit. I'm sorry. I told myself I wasn't going to do any puns this episode. That's on me. The Meteor Man, Blank Man, and Mystery Man are all bizarre tongue-in-cheek comic movies. I haven't seen the film in a very long time, but I remember Kid Adam watching this repeatedly. That does not mean the film is good. That just means Kid Adam liked it, and that's what I remember. That he was low on options, and apparently expectations. He thought it was goofy and fun, although had no idea who the lead actor Robert Townsend was. His character was essentially a black Superman who needed to sleep after putting in a lot of work. That concept seems highly racist, and I guess that's now the ongoing joke of the episode, so this is fun. There's a good amount of talent here. Marla Gibbs, Eddie Griffin, Don Cheadle, Sinbad, James Earl Jones, and even Bill Cosby has a small role. How Samuel L. Jackson is not in this movie is perplexing. He's in everything else. Why is he not here? Maybe he's in the background somewhere, I just don't know, I just find it hard to believe. Blank Man casted two of my favorite comedians from the early 90s. In Living Colors, Damon Waynes and the criminally underrated David Alan Greer play a crime-fighting duo of sorts. The Walker Brothers, not to be confused with the movie critics, take on the role of Blank Man and the other guy. This is actual superhero name, the other guy. This movie was hugely disappointing for me when I eventually saw it. Perhaps I was too young to get some of the jokes, but I'm going off history and not present feelings. Mystery Man is an odd place for me to be. I refuse to hate it, but every time I watch I don't really enjoy it that much. I just keep thinking there was a better movie here somewhere. The concept is great, and the actors are a lot of fun. Ben Stiller as Mr. Furious is funny as hell, especially when he goes full rage mode. Julia, Janine Garofalo, William H. Macy, Kel Mitchell, and freaking Pee-wee Herman round out the superhero crew. There are so many bit parts and pop-in moments too. There's Greg Keneer, Jeffrey Rush, and even Dane Cook makes a cameo as The Waffler. And it's probably the best movie role he's ever done. I would say Mystery Man is probably my favorite of this set of trash, if not for the mask. Jim Carrey never really needs another actor in his films as he chews up every scene whenever he's present. The mask is no different as he jumps between Stick in the Mud, Stanley Ipkis, to the over-the-top alter ego simply known as the mask. Pulp Fictions Peter Green plays the forgettable villain Dorian, but to his credit it's hard to be noticed when you're competing with not just Carrie, but bombshell Cameron Diaz in her prime. Never has there been a more proper emoticon than this. Diaz looks absolutely smokin'! I had to. I had to. Howard the Duck is the story of a human-sized duck being pulled from his planet to earth via laser beam into Cleveland where he saves a woman from a group of thugs, but something worse comes through the portal and it's up to Howard to save the day. Okay. What am I doing? This isn't fucking worth it. I'm up here talking about these stupid movies for like three bucks a day on YouTube. I got better things I could do with my life and my time. I knew he'd break. I'm Evil Adam from an ongoing joke throughout this comic book movie bracket that we're apparently still doing. Steel is a movie that came out in 1997. Nothing else should be said about it. Shaq puts on stupid looking armor and punches shit. There. Shut up. We're moving on. Barboy is about Pamela Anderson's tits. Nothing else matters. Metallica. It's just giant screen filler. I'm still talking about her breasts. The spirit is proof that Frank Miller is a shit director. It should just stick to making pretty graphic novels. I feel like I'm not doing as good of a job as President Adam does on these breakdowns. Nobody here. I'm talking to Noah. It's ridiculous. I would give you my thoughts on Blank Man, but I'm having a hard time remembering anything about it. You could say I'm drawing a Blank Man. What the hell? Come on. Get the fuck out of here, future Adam. You're the worst. Jesus Christ. Calm down. I'm sorry. The year has just begun and this is already falling apart. It's a colossal train wreck. Where did we leave off? Oh yes. Meteor Man. One person will get that movie reference. It's one of the few movies in this episode I remember OK, an actual meteor plummets to earth and hits our hero directly. This gives him superhero powers but weakens him when put to too much use. The highlight for me is a completely off the wall catwalk he and the villain do in the final act. I watched them ask quite a few times when it came out in 1994 and really never since. It stayed with me pretty well with its movie quotes, Looney Tunes-esque action and great one-liners, plus that Cameron D ass in full effect. Stanley comes into a mask that essentially turns him into a cartoon character who is usually up to no good. The movie could also have been titled The Cosby because once Stanley gets that mask off him, he forgot everything that happened the night before. Rape jokes and racist jokes. It's... We have a lot of fun here. Mystery Man is about a ragtag group of regular schmos who aspire to be superheroes. They even hold tryouts for more members. Taylor and Macy's The Shoveler are the highlights for me. God gave me a gift. I shovel well. I shovel very well. That's just good writing. I don't care who you are. The team, of course, learns to overcome their faults and find their true power which typically comes from within. Let's conclude. What? We have another round still? You're talking to nobody! Shut up, future me! Howard the Duck may be a bad movie, but at least it looks awful. Oh, that didn't cancel out at all. It was on a whole other level of depressing. Shack's armor looks like Fisher Price plastic, complete with a metal diaper. The spirit desperately tries to be Sin City again. It has the black and white. It has the small use of color. It's missing Rod Regas in the director's chair. The Meteor Man and Blank Man look the same. Colorful yet dirty thanks to that early 90s film feel. They only came out a year apart from each other and both featured black superheroes. That on its own is a refreshing change of pace from all these white assholes saving the day now. There's really nothing stand outish about these two films from a visual standpoint outside of some wacky inventions here and there. Mystery Man's not shot in my favorite style. Lots of zany camera angles and really bright coloring. It does work for the picture so it's not really a knock, just a personal preference. I remember when the mask trailer hit and how enamored I was with it. The visuals were next to level stuff. We've seen the techniques in flicks like Space Jam and Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but it was so much more polished here. The makeup on Carrie, complete with his large white chompers, really sold the character. All that and the actor always gives 100% in every role he's in. Looking back now, the visuals hold up surprisingly excellent. It has great music too, featuring a nice little dance number by the mask himself and the local police. This scene would go on to spark inspiration for the masterpiece known as 2016's Ghostbuster Answer the Call. I hate you! You think I forgot? You think I forgot about you, you piece of shit? Sorry. Since Mystery Man was right on the cusp of the year 2000, it had to have a song by Smash Mouth, as was the requirement for all comedies around that date. Rat Race, Shrek, Orgasmo, Basekidball, Half Baked, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Me, Myself and Irene, Austin Powers, Goldmember, All Smash Mouthed. There is no reason an episode should go this long when these are the topics and I hate myself more for it. I can't imagine anyone who's not a subscriber has stumbled onto this gem of a video and made it this deep into the episode. But if that's the case and you're interested, vote for your winner. Give me a shout out in the comments and remember, this is more than just reviews, this is Movie Feuds. And there's only one more episode left in the Phase 1 comic book movie brackets and then we can really get things moving. We can really get going. Isn't that right, Trish? Just moving. Still no one here but me, asshole. I know. If dance is stupid, I know.