 My name is Carolyn Delaney. I'm the founder and CEO here at Journey Enterprises for a media company on a mission to make recovery from addiction visible because it's important. It saves lives. There are over 26 million of us in recovery and we want those who are still sick and suffering to know that there is a path for them. There's millions of us here on the other side of active addiction and that it's probable that people can and do recover. Our videos share personal intimate stories of what people's journeys were like going from what it was like to what happened to what it's like now in an effort to let people know that we're here, we care, and that there is a way out. Visible recovery saves lives and we want the world to know that. So if you have a story about recovery and would like to share it, please contact me, carolinatrecovery-journey.com. I hope you enjoy our video. I grew up in a very Italian family and there was always a lot of reasons to celebrate. A lot of homemade Italian wine and as little kids it was just custom. We'd get a little sip or get a little Italian wine in our orange soda or so I really and that's not I mean it was just culture back then and I developed it. I liked the taste. I liked the feeling and I found myself drawn to it. So the phenomena of craving set in pretty young for me. You know and it progressed from where I was just given a little taste here and there to going into my father's liquor cabinet. You know and I believe that's where I crossed the line. It was okay so I thought it was okay. I liked the stuff. I liked the little the warm blowing feeling that went down. I went from you know being given it to stealing it right from the get-go. You know I mixed the water in with the alcohol so that nobody really knew that you know and he level was disappearing from the bottle. I just wanted to escape you know a lot of things that happened it was a setup for me from the get-go to want to escape and to not want to feel. I never liked who I was. I always felt different. I felt like I didn't belong. I was quiet and shy. I didn't say boo and I found that you know it was liquid courage and that that's what you hear a lot about in the halls. It gave me the courage to you know to go out and intermingle with people and you know I became like the class clown and I became like the head of the party and it just was a way to deal with stuff and then it progressed and it got worse. I had an uncle who was a doctor and I had free access to pain medication, anti-anxiety medication, you name it you know back in the early 80s they used to give the salesman would come over and give free samples so he would keep it all in a closet and didn't keep any type of inventory and my mom just happened to be his medical secretary and the office was in their house and I kind of grew up in that house so it was very easy for me to get access to prescription drugs so I was on a mission of self-destruction from the get-go. I've lived a life of you know depression and victimhood and all that stuff but always always there was a higher power and I know that and that's why it wasn't so difficult for me in the beginning when I got to the program when they talked about God not the God that I grew up with God of my understanding you know high school I partied I didn't care that's the you know the theme of my life was I didn't care you know I didn't care about you I didn't care about me I didn't care about life you know and then later on in my story I'll tell you when I started to care about life and I started to take things seriously um so anyway I was on a mission of destruction I was going to drink myself to death I was going to take an overdose I didn't care I would pop pills it you know the it said I knew enough to to look and see if it said warning that don't mix with alcohol or maybe have it for me and if I knew if it said that those were the good ones and I better take more um so anyway I just thought I would end up dying someday in 1986 I got introduced to the telephone company and I started working there and you know my story of recovery started there in 1989 through the EAP program um I was introduced to alcoholics anonymous and the story and this is how my higher power works in my life up to this point in 1989 I didn't care and I was drinking and I was you know doing drugs at work and there was this one woman that whatever corner I turn um she'd be coming in the other way so like God was putting this woman in my right in my face smack in my face and um I eventually found out she was recovering alcoholic and drug addict and I was like oh my god you know it was the first sign God gave me that you know here's an opportunity you know it doesn't have to be that bad I listened to this woman's story and I was like amazed that she wasn't drinking and she wasn't doing the drugs she used to do and she was living life and she was enjoying herself and she was you know um doing all these things and you know here I was thinking you know my best bet was I was gonna die and so I went to her and talked to her she got me into um Mercy rehab back in 1989 my first meeting down in that basement it was the drop-in meeting and there was a room and there was this whole circle of chairs and I was sitting there in my pajamas in my little green slippers and the robe I was looking down at the ground and we went around and it introduced ourselves and that was the first time ever that I ever uttered the words I'm Mariana an alcoholic um so my recovery started I really wasn't quite sure but the one thing that kept me coming back was that first meeting after that drop-in meeting was a speakers meeting and the hope that I felt in that hall I can't I can't describe it you know they were these people they were laughing they were enjoying life and telling jokes and intermingling and you know it was nothing that I had ever seen before because I was so stuck in myself and my disease and the self pity and the wanting to die and you know just not caring about life you know I used to say that I used to take the Rubik's Cube and I used to try to figure that sucker out and I would turn it and I would twist it and you know and that's what I did in the program and you know and I can tell you there is no other way to do it it's simple but it's it's complicated you just have to do it six years ago for me you know um something tragic happened and um I learned a big lesson about hope you know I even more and I learned more about my higher power um I'd been sober about let's see I got sober again in 2010 when I came back in um after a a ways away from the program and um not going to meetings and not doing the things that I know keep me sober and keep me on a straight narrow um I I used um let's see I used everything that I've learned in this program because I went in to have a knee replacement in 2014 um I knew the right my right knee replacement and um I learned a pretty value lesson about um my gut instinct and listening to that gut instinct because inside that's God speaking and um something told me not to let them put a needle in my spine but you know I I didn't listen to it and um I ended up um with blood clot in my spine um they did spinal anesthesia and um a day and a half later I lost complete feeling below my waist and um I tell you I really had to rely on this program the people in this program um my my wife my partner um has been there through thick and thin and so haven't the people in the program and that's what you know um keeps me going um you know I pray every day I have this unbelievable um faith and my higher power and you know the things that um that I've been able to accomplish just in the last years you know the doctor looked at me after the surgery um I had pins and needles below my waist um he looked at me and said I don't know if you'll ever walk again he said I removed the blood clot um but I can't promise you your walk and I looked at him and I said oh I'll walk again I said you don't know who you're talking to you know um I have faith you know I I know with my faith my higher power and the people that are in my life I'm gonna walk again you know and um oh yeah you know six years later um even with all this stuff going on um I'm driving again I got my license um and I got a part-time job I started working again life has just been it's just been incredible you know um I've learned through all the all the crap in my past at age 49 when this happened um I started enjoying life it's like I did a 360 you know I learned that you know just the little things in life that we take for granted um you know I have some physical limitations I'm in a wheelchair I have to walk with crutches and I have to walk with health in the age of braces but you know what I'm not sitting in a nursing home filled with um you know opioids because I decided to give up I was given a challenge and you know I remember the one thing that um I read when I was in New England rehab for uh two and a half months learning to walk again um social media became very important to me and and that's one of the reasons why I chose to do this is because you know I've been stuck in the house and I know what it's like not to be able to go out and to intermingle and so everything that I saw on social media in the beginning there was this one um there was this one post and this is what did it turn in and I wrote it down because I'm like I need to read this because this is what started it for me you know there I was not being able to walk and not knowing what was going on and somebody had posted this on Facebook and it said where you are today is no accident God is using the situation you are in right now to shape and prepare you for the place he wants to bring you into tomorrow trust him with his plan even if you don't understand it and I'll tell you what I did not understand it I did not understand it but I was then I said okay God I don't know where you're going with this I have no idea where this is going to be but I am in 100% I'm gonna do what it is you put in front of me to do and that's the attitude that I had and I was able to use all the tools that I had in the program to apply them when I was in that rehab and didn't know which way was up God taught me an important lesson and that you know my life is worth it and your life is worth it too and you can do I'm honest to God you know I've been a doubting Thomas from the get go you know and I've played with this program and I've twisted it and I've and I've tried to do it every other way except the one way they asked you to do and that's the work you know you you you get a sponsor you start praying you find a higher power you know you get involved in the meetings you make coffee you get a job on your home group you let people get to know you you know and that was one of the big things for me um early on is I didn't really when I was in and out in and out I never really let anybody get to know me you know I didn't want to share at me I didn't want to go to coffee I didn't you know I wanted to get this through osmosis or something you know I didn't think I had to do the steps but when I I finally let go and and I started doing it you know in 2010 when I came back and that's my sobriety day this June 5th 2010 um I was broken again you know um I gone on a three-year bender with um prescription drugs because it's uh a surgery and um you know and there was again back at step one you know I was just like I was at this place in South Portland I had tried to kill myself and um you know I had to go to emergency and get my pumps my stomach pump and um you know a spiritual experience happened to me and it got me back into the program and it got me working even harder and um I'm just so proud of you know the program and what it does for people you know it gives us it gives us life back you know we can be active members of society again you know our families they they come back around you know when you're living you know one of the early things people said was you know watch people's feet you know you hear them talk on the podium but watch their feet when their feet match what they're talking those are the people you want to be around you know my life today is second to none even though I'm sitting here in a wheelchair you know um I've had to face some pretty you know some pretty severe things you know I've been sick for the last six years I was suffering from chronic urinary tract infections one of the you know um things from my uh the the surgery and the injury was I lost my um bladder function because of the spinal cord injury and the blood but um so there are still limitations that I have but I've been able to learn how to deal with them you know if I'm upset and and you know anxious and stuff all I need to do is just to just breathe you know and take a time out focus on my breathing and meditate you know the answers will come when I calm my mind the answers will come you know um so I know this was kind of all jumbled around um but you know I really wanted to focus on what life has become for me you know um my experience you know I you know I had I had to I had to drink um and go through what I went through to get me to this place that I am today and I thank god for that I thank god every day that I I wake up and it's like oh my god another beautiful day um and I try as best I can to share positive um things on social media because that was big for me that's where it started my recovery from the spinal cord injury so you know every day I try to put something out there on social media that's positive that's um encouraging um that gives hope that amplifies hope I really loved what you guys did on facebook about amplifying hope because you know if it wasn't for hope I would have given up on this a long long time ago I'd probably be dead and I wouldn't be living the life that I'm living today you know doing the things that I do um you know I have um well we used to have five uh schitzers we're down to one and a cat um we love to you know go for rides and go to the beach and um go up to sugar loaf you know I'm really bummed that it's um canceled this year but you know what we need to stay safe we need to stay safe so that we can you know continue to live and and prosper you know recovery is possible if we can continue to amplify hope and people have faith um you know great things are possible yeah I came from a home where there was active alcoholism um my father was a heavy drinker he was a world war two fighter pilot um who brought the war home with him but I started with alcohol probably um 15 16 and then started using marijuana about age 17 and by the time I got into college I went to acting school um at Carnegie Mellon University I was eventually advised to withdraw and that really literally had a lot to do with um my um use because I got into psychedelics and I got into you know other stuff but mostly it was alcohol that took the edge off and I started to develop a tolerance for alcohol and by the time I was ending my career with alcohol my average consumption was about half a gallon of vodka a day the disease took me down and I finally reached that point of no return I believe in guardian angels um because there have been one or two episodes in my life where they've shown up uh but this was a case where the guardian angel my father um it was my father he committed suicide when I was 15 and I just remember saying oh god I can't do this anymore I can't I just can't do this and that's when the voice came it was my father's voice and um and I can't explain why but there there it was and it said the voice said it's not your time to go yet get help now so um that's how long ago it was it was November 1st of 1981 so I woke up 36 hours later and my sister had left my favorite science fiction anthology and a carton of camomon filters on my bedside table and I had a parent pajamas that didn't fit in the seersucker bathroom and those foam slippers with uh have a nice day smiles on them that were this ugly olive green color and um and there I was at the salvation army I remember people at those meetings where they said look you it's not about stopping for the rest of your life it's about taking it a day at a time and anybody can take it a day at a time an hour at a time a minute at a time but and I started attending two meetings a day I went I said hit hit 90 meetings in 90 days what I know about vulnerability is uh and about group therapy and why those things work and why things like AA meetings work is that if I can risk putting something out there um and risk that you're either going to come down on me or you're going to leave but be that vulnerable and say look I'm hurting right now and I need some help with this you know I'm in a lot of pain or I'm in major grief because I just lost somebody you know I lost a good friend or I lost a relative my marriage you know whatever went south but if I can talk about that that brings a vulnerability for somebody else when I'm that vulnerable that creates greater safety that's the paradox behind it if I can say hey look there's something going on with me then that gives somebody else in that group permission to say hey wait a minute me too me too and that's what creates greater intimacy and greater safety is the ability to be vulnerable and so now well I'm able to laugh at myself I'm able to when people make fun of me I'm able to still laugh at myself you know I might bristle a little bit initially but but I'm also able to accept some criticism when somebody says hey you know I've got an issue I need to talk to you about and here's my issue hey look there's a bright spot in this world you know that I'm entitled to if I'm willing to do the sole work so that's kind of where things are at pretty much with me at this point