 Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, docsknipes.com, has even more resources, videos and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to docsknipes.com to learn more. Hi everybody and welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes, practical tools to improve your mood and quality of life. Today we're going to be talking about 25 things that you just really need to hear. The first thing is you are good, but you're not as good as you could be. And you may be like, well, why in the world would you say that to me? Because when we realize that deep down inside we're all potentially fallible, we all make mistakes. And there's always room for growth, but we are all good. And that's where you need to hear it. You are good. Yeah, you may want to achieve more in your life. I hope you do. But right now you are good and you can be happy about that and you can rest assured in that. You will never be great at everything. So you need to synergize. You know you have weaknesses, whether you want to admit them or not. You know you have weaknesses. And you've got to figure out, is it worth your time trying to be good at everything? And reality, we're never going to be good at everything. We wouldn't tell our kids you have to be good at everything, because we know that's not realistic. So why do we tell ourselves that? So what we can do, though, is synergize. We can find people who complement our weaknesses. They have our strengths or their weaknesses and our weaknesses or their strengths. And we kind of meld together so we're like, you know, pees in a pod if you will. So synergize. Surround yourself with people that can help you do things that you're not as able to do. You don't fit in with every group and you never will. This is the third thing you need to hear. And yeah, it's rough. When we were in high school, we wanted to believe that we fit in everywhere, but we realized we didn't. And the same thing is true in real life. You know, you are going to fit in with certain groups. But some people, no matter what you do, no matter how good of a person you are, they just ain't going to like you. So hang it up. And whether it's a group of people who share different ideas that you do or it's a certain person, they may not like you or accept you for whatever reason. And sometimes it has to do more with them than with you because they're afraid of what you have to offer or you remind them of somebody in the past that they didn't like or there's a whole lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you. Why you may not fit in to a particular group. You know, I know I'm a country girl. I like getting out and doing organic gardening. I love playing around in the dirt. I am not one of those girls who is going to suck it up and wear stiletto heels every day long, every day and have my feet be an excruciating pain. That's just not who I am. I know people who are like that and they enjoy getting their nails done every week and they enjoy wearing super high heels, even though it kills their feet. Well, that's fine. You know, I'm not going to fit in with that group of fashion conscious women or men that, you know, because that's not who I am, but I'm okay with that. I recognize and I don't begrudge them anything. That's their thing and more power to them. It's just not my thing. And that's what we need to think about when we're thinking about fitting in groups. It doesn't mean you're being rejected. It just means it's not, it's not a good fit. You know, I've never been a girly girl. You know, I'm not one who ever scrapbooked or wrote in diaries or anything like that. I went fishing with my daddy and I was always, you know, running or doing some sort of athletics or something and that's, that's who I am and I'm okay with that. Things are going to change with or without your input. So might as well put in your two cents and maybe it'll change in your direction. Maybe it won't, but it's always better to at least have tried to put your input in than to have not tried and then be upset when it doesn't go your way. If you quit your job, someone else will take it. Well, we know that's true. If you quit your life's work, nobody will swoop in and finish it for you. What does that mean? Well, the first part is pretty self-explanatory. But if you quit your life's work, if you quit doing the things that bring your life meaning and give you fulfillment, ain't nobody going to come in and swoop in and give your life meaning and fulfillment. You know, that's not how it happens. So you don't want to quit your life's work. You want to focus on that and make sure that you are doing things each day that make your life rich and meaningful. And hopefully your life's work and your job are one in the same. I'm blessed to be in that position that I love what I do and it's my life's work. And if you're not in that position, you may choose to look at switching careers at some point if it's practical at all. Number six, your problems are not on most people's radar. If you've got a problem, don't expect people to know, oh, Sally's got a problem or Sally's having a bad day. They may not have any clue what's going on because we tend to be very caught up in our own worlds and our own lives. So even if it's your officemate, you may not realize what's going on with them because you're caught up in doing your office work and you just figure if she needs something, she'll let you know. So it's important to let people know when you have problems, when you have needs and try to create a win-win because if you're always asking for things and not making it beneficial to them, then you might be seen as a whiner. But let's take the officemate example, let's just run with that one. If you're having a bad day and you're really struggling and your kids are sick and you need to take the day off or leave early in order to go pick your kids up and deal with that, you could tell your officemate, yeah, my kids are sick again. I need to leave. I need you to do this, that and the other for me. They may do it once or twice but if you're consistently doing that and not creating a win-win where it's a what's in it for me sort of thing, then they may start growing resentful every time something happens that you're calling on them to do something for them. So make sure relationships are a give and take. Number seven, truth is like surgery. It hurts but it cures. Yeah, we know this. When you tell the truth, it's not always easy but generally the problem will come to a head and get resolved at that point. A lie is like a painkiller. It gives immediate relief but has side effects later and think about that. I don't think I need to explain it too much. I mean, when we lie, we create problems potentially for ourselves down the road instead of just putting it out in the open and taking our lumps. There are two types of pain as long as we're talking about pain. A pain that hurts you and a pain that changes you. So when you have pain for whatever reason, you can let it beat you down and destroy you. That's an option and you can feel bad and disempowered and all that stuff. It's an option or you can feel pain and go, oh, I'm not going to feel that again. I'm not going to put myself in that position or I'm going to learn how to deal with it so it doesn't hurt so bad again and that changes you. I remember after my first child, I didn't have medication with either child and after my first child, I was like, oh, my gosh, that hurt. But I was kind of excited when I got pregnant with our second one because I wanted to see if I could get through it and it was going to hurt any less the next time and I worked on all kinds of techniques to help me through it. So yeah, I'm a little weird that way. But when I feel pain, I want to figure out how to conquer that pain. I want to figure out how I can have it change me to make me stronger. Number nine, your brain is constantly lying to you. There are hundreds of cognitive biases built into your circuitry. So don't be so sure that what you think is true or even in sync with reality. So you're walking down the hall and somebody scowls at you and you think, oh, I must have done something to make them. They must be mad at me for some reason. No, that was just your brain's misinterpretation. And, you know, maybe it's a lie. Maybe it's an misinterpretation, whatever, but your brain was wrong. You know, a lot of times it'll tell you there's a threat when there really is actually no threat. So we want to take our brains messages with a grain of salt. If it says there's a threat, put the phrase, there may be in front of there's a threat, this when your brain tells you, this is scary, you can put it might be scary in front of it, because that's your brain going based on the information that I have. This is what I'm anticipating, but your brain can't forecast anything. And it can be wrong when you have law enforcement officers that go out to the scene of a crime and they take witness statements. Every single witness statement is a little bit different, sometimes a lot bit different based on not only where they stood, but their prior experiences and what they paid attention to and their perceptions of what was dangerous, what's important, et cetera. That's just the way our brain works. No two of us have the exact same reality, even if we go through the exact same physical experience, if you're sitting, if you're both sitting there in a car and riding down the road, both of you, two people are having two different experiences. Number 10, everything in life is temporary, even our troubles. Okay, so focus on that. Things may really suck right now, but it's temporary and it will change because everything changes even without your input. The other thing to remember about temporary is generally it's not global. So when you're having a bad day, you know, look at the other things in your life that are going okay and count your blessings instead of focusing on your problems because generally there are probably 10 things that are going okay or better when you've got for every one problem that you've got and you're going to have problems in life. But if you focus on your blessings, then the problems will seem smaller. It's kind of like when you're getting stitches, you know, if you focus on what the doctor is doing, that's going to hurt a lot more potentially, or when you're getting a shot, then if you focus on something else, if you focus on other good things instead of the pain you're expecting. Number 11, if you are still looking for the person to change your life, look in the mirror. You are the only person who can change your life. You can do the next right thing. You can make changes. Yes, there are people out there that can improve your life, that can offer you opportunities, that can, you know, help out, but you have to be there to do it and you have to get that momentum going. You can change your own life. A lot of times the stuff we think we need to change our life is just superfluous. We don't need a big house. We don't need a fancy car. We really don't need a raise. We need to be looking around at what we have and choosing to be grateful for where we're at. So look in the mirror and figure out what is it you can do to change your life, to make it the kind of life you want to live. Number 12, stop waiting for the right person to come in your life. Be the right person to come into somebody else's life. So you are the person that's going to change your life. And then instead of waiting for somebody to just drop in out of the sky, you know, be the right person to come into somebody other's life. Make somebody else's life amazing. Now, maybe that's not going to be your soulmate or your best friend or whatever, but you were the right person. You were the person they needed at that point in time. And you kind of helped spread that good karma, if you will. Number 13, you may not be able to change the world, but you can change your little corner of it. So looking around when you watch the news or get on social media or anything, it can be so depressing and so overwhelming. There's starving people here. There's abused animals over there. There's war. There's disease. There's pestilence. Wow, I can get overwhelmed. I can't change that. I can't even change necessarily who's in office right now. If I don't like that, but I can change my corner of the world. I can change what I do in order to abide by my values and create a rich and meaningful existence for me and my family. And I can change my little neighborhood. You know, there's not a lot of people on our cul-de-sac, but there's like 17 houses and, you know, that's my little slice. And when I'm at work, that's another little slice of my world. So those places that I spend time, I can affect change in. And when those places are pleasant, everybody that encounters those places goes out and spreads, hopefully, spreads pleasantness and it emanates outwards. You know, you just have to be that one rock that's thrown in. You know, think about throwing a rock into a still pond. You're the big ol' ka-fump in the middle. But then the energy from that reverberates out. So change your little corner of the world. And if everybody starts doing that, eventually it'll be a much awesome, much more awesome, better place. Number 14, playing out scenarios in your mind doesn't make them actually happen. Thinking about living is not the same as living. You can envision yourself applying for a promotion. You can envision yourself going to graduate school. You can envision yourself doing all kinds of things. And that's wonderful, but that's just the first step. That's the step to get you motivated and give you confidence. Then you've got to go do it because it's not going to happen unless you are that agent of change. So you've got to figure out, are you going to sit down and go, well, one day I might, or are you going to say, today is day one. This is what I'm going to do. So one day or day one, it's your choice. I see this a lot with people who want to lose weight. You know, one day I'll lose that 50 pounds or they decide, you know what? Today is day one. You know, no more putting it off, no more making excuses and planning. Today I'm going to start taking action. Today is day one of losing weight and getting in better shape. Number 15, sometimes people turn against you because they're not meant to go where you're going next. And they may not turn against you outwardly. They may just drift off. And it probably has little to do with you and more to do with differences in needs, differences in attitudes, maybe something to do with them. But they may not be interested or wanting to go where you're going next. And just assume that wherever you're going, you're going consciously and intentionally, which means it's a good place. Number 16, the things that you dislike most in others are often a reflection or reminder of the things you dislike most in yourself. So if somebody really rubs you the wrong way, ask yourself, why is that? Why is that? And it could be that there are a reflection of something that you don't like in you. Maybe they tend to be really irritable and spiteful. And you don't like that in them. And when you start looking closely, you realize, you know what? I'm kind of irritable and spiteful, and I really hate that about myself. Okay, well, there's that. Or you could look at somebody, you know, maybe somebody you see that you think takes advantage of everybody else and you really don't like them. Well, what they may be reflecting is the fact that you feel like you get taken advantage of a lot. So you feel like you're victimized by people that like that. So you may not like them. So you want to look at what is it that you are seeing in that person? Because they both, both ways you look at it are opportunities for growth. If you look at the grumpy person, you don't like them. And then you realize you're grumpy, you can start addressing that in yourself. If you look at the person who takes advantage of other people and you don't like them because you always feel like you're getting taken advantage of, well, then you can work on that. You can work on your assertiveness skills and boundary setting. They teach you how to live a happier life by looking at why is it that they make you have this feeling of dislike. The way others see you isn't about you. It's about the other person's struggles, insecurities and limitations. So don't, you don't have to allow their judgment to become your reality. You know, the way others see you, if they see you as bright and successful and charming, that's awesome. If they see you as, you know, potentially a threat to them in some way, or mean or, you know, manipulative, it may be more about their struggles and their insecurities. So just because somebody doesn't like you, doesn't necessarily mean you're not likable. Again, often has more to do with their stuff than, than yours. So you may ask yourself, what must be going on in that person's head for them to feel intimidated or threatened by me? You know, that can give you some empathy and some compassion for them. But remember, it often doesn't mean that there's anything at all wrong with you. Number 18, instead of carrying mistakes around with you, put them down and use them as stepping stones. Learn from your mistakes. Instead of carrying them like an albatross around your neck, put them down on the ground, say, you know what, that was a mistake. I learned from it. I'm going to put it down, not carry it around, not let it weigh me down anymore, but I am going to step on it to move up to the next higher place. Number 19, almost everything will work again if you turn it off for a few minutes and turn it back on again, including you. So take care of yourself. We all need time to rest and recover and relax and enjoy life. That's the seven habits of highly effective people. They refer to that as sharpening the saw. Sometimes you need to take some time out to get rejuvenated because you're just, you're out of energy and you're not any good to anybody, including yourself, if you're completely run down. So turn yourself off for a few minutes and then turn back on. The same thing is true during the day. If you start getting upset or frazzled or discombobulated, take a quiet minute, you know, however it is that you decompress, take a quiet minute, turn yourself, turn your brain off, quit thinking about it for a few minutes and then start again. Sometimes, you know, if you're having difficulty, if I've got writer's block or my husband, when he's working on a computer, if he just can't solve a problem, if he takes 15 minutes away and walks around the office complex, he clears his mind because he quits thinking about it for a second and then all of a sudden the solution is so obvious. So take time out. Number 20, remember, every moment is a learning experience. So instead of looking at how is devastating this is, look at it as, all right, what am I meant to learn from this? You may only learn that you're a pretty strong person. You may learn about other people in your life. You may learn new tools. You may learn, who knows what you can learn, but learn from every experience you have. Number 21, don't be so busy looking ahead for what might be coming that you forget to take time to enjoy what you already have. So often in American society, we're constantly working towards that next promotion or buying that bigger house or that buying that newer car or going off to college. Take time and focus on what you have. I remember when I was in college, I couldn't wait to start working. And then when I was started working, I couldn't wait to get a promotion. I didn't take time to focus on, you know what, I've got a lot that's really good for me right now and it's working well. So I'm appreciative of what I've got. You know, you may not have the fancy mansion that you want, but if you've got a roof over your head, you know, you can be grateful for that. If you've got a good family, you can be grateful and enjoy that. They say kids grow up so fast. Oh my gosh, they do. You know, my, my youngest is just turned 14. And I look back and look at all the pictures of when I was teaching her how to sew and other things. And I'm like, oh my gosh, that seems like an eternity ago, but it was really only like five years ago. Just because everything is crazy around you doesn't mean it has to be crazy within you. Just remember the phrase, not my circus, not my monkeys. That one comes out of my mouth a lot. Things can be chaotic. Take a breath, kind of get grounded and figure out, all right, what is the next right step that I've got to do to improve the next moment? You know, because things can be going haywire, but you can't deal with haywire. You've got to pick one thing and then start doing it and then do the next thing. Um, if you could see my desk right now, I've got four different piles of projects that I'm working on and it feels kind of crazy right now. Well, if I got, if I let it get me crazy inside where I felt like I was being pulled in all four of those directions at once, I'd never get anything done. So I come in in the morning and I get grounded and I say, okay, which pile am I working on today? And then I start at the top and I work my way down. Um, and that helps me stay calm so I can mitigate the craziness. Number 23, the greatest thing about a simple life is having one. You've got life and a simple life, you know, you may not have a lot of stuff, but people who have simple lives tend to reflect on that and go, you know what, I've got it pretty good. And I'm probably going to botch this story, but we're going to try it anyway. Um, there's a story about this guy who is, um, in a, in a fishing village and he's poor, but, and he goes out and he fishes every day and he makes a lot of, he catches a lot of fish and he goes and he sells them at market and he gets up the next morning and does the same thing. And an American comes by and goes, Oh my gosh, you're so good at fishing. You know, if you decided to incorporate, you could hire people and get boats and, um, have more fish and get more money and do all this kind of stuff. And, and the fisherman said, okay, and then what? And then the man said, well, then you buy even more boats and then eventually you'd sell the company for a bunch of money and you could get up whenever you wanted and go out and do whatever you want it. And he's like, well, I get up whenever I want now, you know, usually about 10, I go fishing, I go to market, I sell my stuff, I come home, I have a siesta, I spend time with my family, I go to bed and I get up and do it the next day. And if I had more money, I'd still be doing the exact same thing. So why do I want to take on all that stress? A simple life is recognizing all the things that you have that are awesome without having to think, I need more. What is it that you need and need is different than want? What is it that you need in order to be happy? Make room for things that matter by removing everything that doesn't. And that means tangible things as well as mental things. If you're worried about what somebody on Facebook says, well, that often doesn't matter. So make room in your mind for things that matter by getting rid of that and going, you know what, that's not worth my mental energy. Make room for things that matter by looking around at how you're spending your time and going, well, you know, spending time going to my kids ball games is really important to me. And volunteering for this activity over here, it's good, but it doesn't matter that much. It's not going to make me super happy or super sad if I'm doing it. So I'm going to give that up. That way I can make time for those things that matter. And for me to be truly happy, those things that are truly important in my rich and meaningful life are my family, my animals and my garden. So that's how I prioritize things. I say, before I take on any tasks, I say, is this task going to get me closer to those things that are important in my life? And number 25 kind of follows with that. Slowly cut things out until you're left with only what you love with what's necessary with what makes you happy. So look around and start cutting out some of these superfluous things that may add extra stress and go, you know what? That's not really making me happy right now. So I'm not going to do that and start whittling them away until you have what's left. And you may find that as you whittle some of those things away, you have more time for those things and people that are most important in your life. So it becomes richer and more fulfilling, even though you don't have as much to do or as much stuff, the stuff you do have is treasured. I hope you've enjoyed this podcast. You can subscribe on your favorite podcast app, join our Facebook group at docsknipes.com slash Facebook, or join our community and access additional resources at docsknipes.com. Thanks for tuning into happiness isn't brain surgery with Doc Snipes. Our mission is to make practical tools for living the happiest life, affordable and accessible to everyone. We record the podcast during a Facebook live broadcast each week, join us free at docsknipes.com slash Facebook or subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast player. And remember docsknipes.com has even more resources, members only videos, handouts and workbooks to help you apply what you learn. 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