 Hey, hey Tony Gaskins here. Thank you so much for joining me another episode of talks with Tony Now I know it's been a long break been away been on tour book came out and doing something different You know doing video now as well as the podcast So you can catch it either on the podcast through the pot being out or iTunes or wherever or you can be here YouTube Got a question from a young lady and it says to make a very long story as short as I can My ex and I have four children together 1612 3 and 2 we live in two different states Always have other than when he moved with me for eight months before the second child and One month a year after I had to send him home for cheating and disrespecting me both times We were in a relationship when I had my first child, but broke up before we conceived the second I went to visit for Christmas and came back with a present He never helped with the children in any way and took credit for the things his parents did for them He started a relationship with someone after I had our second child So I thought I found out about Four years ago that he met her a couple months after our first child was born and he has been with several other women through it All we were never not communicating over the phone. He rarely talked about the children though Anyway fast forward about eight years later We tried to work things out, but that didn't work out because he said he was ready for a relationship And when he returned home, he changed his mind at that point. I was over it Well, this January well, this was January 2014 in May of 2014 Our two children went to stay with him for the summer and I picked them up Needless to say I came back with a souvenir. I Got pregnant with our third child He came to the birth of this child Which he didn't do for others and he said he wanted to change and was really ready to be with me I wasn't hearing him and didn't want anything to do with him Well, me and the kids went to visit for Christmas. My baby was nine months I still didn't want anything to do with him But I still slept in the bed with him with clothes on and the baby in the middle of us Well after a couple of days he took advantage of me and when I got home I found out I was pregnant again After that, I totally despised him and I didn't let him even so much as get a hug from me He's been begging me to get back with him for the last for the last almost three years He still has poor self-control He still doesn't try to communicate with any of his children and he won't leave me alone But getting back together about he won't leave me alone about getting back together Also, the girl he was seeing in the beginning just had his six child this year He had a three-year-old when we met. I don't know what to say to him to get him to leave me alone But not keep him from his children I've tried to talk to him several times about how I feel and how he should be trying to build a relationship with his children But he doesn't seem to get it. What can I do? PS I wish I could tell you the whole story, but it's just way too much to type Whoo I'm glad you did not try to tell the whole story. Thank you very much What I read was way too much in itself Now here's the thing and I'll never forget this when I heard this guy tell this story about these parents who came to him About their teenage son and about can you help him? He has a problem and they and the guy was like, well, where's he at and They were like well, he's on the boat fishing and he's like he's on the boat fishing But you're here you flew to another state to ask me to help your teenage son But he's on the boat fishing your son doesn't have a problem They're like, what do you mean? He does have a problem. He needs help We're like, no, your son doesn't have a problem. Y'all have the problem. Your son is on the boat fishing You're here spending your time and your money worrying about him and that is what I would say to you He does not have a problem You have a problem. You have a problem because you keep playing the fool it takes a lot to to get pregnant and it sounds like What you're saying is it's just one shot that he is a hundred percent from the field with you that every time y'all have sex Basically, you get pregnant. I have a hard time believing that so you're lying down with him and you're coming up pregnant You keep sleeping with him You know and you say he took advantage of you he took advantage of you But do you mean he raped you if he raped you, you know, you could call the police You can stay away from him. I don't think you mean that because you got in the bed with him So you know him you trust him. You've been there before and so and let's say that did happen if that happened And let's say it was like literally taking advantage of you. Then that is your Sign to walk away for good. That is your sign. That's a crime And so if he did that and you really mean it in that way then It's over but what it sounds like is the soul tie is so strong The soul tie is so strong and it's strangling you this tie is wrapped around your neck like a noose And you can't get away from him and you're saying you want him to build with his children But he can't even build with himself. He's not a man. He's a grown boy So what good would it do to have a grown boy in the life of these four children? If he's sleeping around if he's not honest if he's not trustworthy if he comes and goes Y'all have never lived together So to be honest with you This sounds like bad choice after bad choice and what you have to realize that as guilty as he is So are you because you have to go half on a baby and you didn't just go half on one baby You went half on four babies and your oldest is 16 years old Your youngest is two years old and you live in two different states and you always have Other than when he moved with you for eight months before the second child and one month a year later So in 16 years 17 years Y'all have lived together for nine months But something keeps you going back Something keeps you dealing with him System you Have a problem So you have to identify what do I need to do? What do I need to do? You got to do the work. You got to sit down You have to fall in love with you You got to get new knowledge you have to just stop talking about it and you have to be about it You have to not just write questions in but you got to listen to the answer and now you have to get up And you have to take action You got to stop hating yourself and you have to fall in love with yourself You got to read the books read me make it work read real love read the five love languages Read a daily devotional go to a retreat go to a seminar take online courses You have to get new knowledge. You have to learn and identify Why do you hate yourself? Why do you put up with grown boy behavior? Why do you keep going back and doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? All I can give you grace for are the first two children 16 and 12 After that after the 12 year old You let nine years go by dealing with this guy and got pregnant again And you have a three-year-old and then right? Again, you go back and now you have a two-year-old and you're raising these children alone To be honest with you unless you make a change today Unless you make up your mind and you make a change You will have a fifth child with him and you will have a sixth child with him So here's what you have to do and this is to everybody who has a soul tie with someone This soul ties very strong and strangling you to everyone who has a soul tie with someone And that you have children with You have to cut all ties Except for the children The only conversation that he can have with you is about the children if he's not talking about the children Then you have to hang up the phone You say he calls and y'all talk and y'all talk every day, but he never talks about the kids Then y'all shouldn't be talking you shouldn't be on the phone with a man See you're on the phone playing with yourself. You're on the phone falling in love with him You're on the phone playing yourself Because you're talking to him But y'all aren't talking about the only business that y'all have to be talking about and that's the children So what are you talking about you and him the sweet nothings all the lives that he's telling you He's cheating on you sleeping around and and you know, he gives you a present You said I went to visit for Christmas and came back with a present Are you talking about Pregnancy I believe so but eventually that present is gonna be a curse It's gonna be a gift. That's a curse meaning it's gonna be an incurable STD Because he's sleeping around doing his thing and now he has another woman having his sixth child And this is only six children that you know about if you have a man that you have four children with and you Can't even get him to talk about the four kids He has with you this man could have 12 kids and you wouldn't even know because he's not gonna bring it up to you And y'all live in two different states He could have baby mamas in every city of his state and you wouldn't even know so this guy has a major major problem But you also have a major problem because you are a part of his problem and you're reinforcing his problem So listen to me sister. You got to get your stuff together Stop worrying about him and start worrying about you start worrying about how you're gonna get your money up to take care of these four kids Because he may end up dying from from HIV AIDS He may end up going to prison from dealing with one of these women He may fall off the face of the earth and never contact you again. How are you gonna take care of these four kids? So what degree do you need to get what what what? Certification what training what trade do you need? What do you need to do? You have made You know Some some big mistakes What you got to focus on is stop focusing on him start focusing on them kids Because out of your kids you might have Barack Obama You might have Michelle Obama. You might have LeBron James, you know, you might have Steph Curry You might have a lawyer a doctor a Dentist so you got to focus on your children stop focusing on a man and focus on your children If he's not focused on his children, you shouldn't be focused on him So listen to me You are we'll call this episode the serial baby mama The serial baby mama because you keep going back to this man to this sperm donor To get another child unless you trying to get a starting five for a basketball team or you trying to open a daycare you need to keep your legs closed and Focus on you and your children Focus on your life. Cut this bomb off. It's hard You may cry. You may have cold sweats. You may have sleepless nights. You may have foodless days But you will get over it if you are getting new knowledge if you're learning and you're growing You will get over it. You will get better. Hey, this Tony Gaskins. Thank you so much for writing in If you have a question for me email it to inbox at Tony Gaskins comm inbox at Tony Gaskins comm and understand this look I'm keep it real with you It's gonna be real. It's gonna be raw. It's gonna be uncut and Even if the situation does not pertain to you, it's something in there Even if it's one or two sentences that you can grab from it. So I hope you can grab the nugget That's for you even though it's not your question But if you have a question send it in to inbox at Tony Gaskins comm Thank you so much. Stay on the lookout Make sure you look for any links in the description below for upcoming events full-day seminars Self-love University and all of those good things. We'll talk soon