 The Jack Benny program. For your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, remember, LSMFT. Lucky strike means fine tobacco, and fine tobacco is what counts in a cigarette. Year after year at auction after auction, independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehouses, can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently, They select and buy that fine, that light, that naturally mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. And in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. So for your own real deep down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. At the first, and all the ability, mill, mill, mill, mill, mill... And all the ability to 59 Americans. Next program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Jack Benny's house in Beverly Hills where we find Jack and Phil Harris alone in the library. Well Jackson? You asked me to come out to your house and see you alone. What's all the mystery? Wait a minute, Phil. I want to lock the door. Okay, Jackson, what is it? Just a second, Phil. I want to shut the window. All right, all right. You locked the door, closed the window and drew the blinds. Now what do you want? Phil, something's got to be done about your orchestra. I don't know what, kid, but something. Are you kidding? No, Phil. Look, I'll admit, when we're doing radio shows, I joke about your music. But now we're in my home. Just the two of us. Believe me, I'm serious. Something has got to be done, or else. Now wait a minute, Jackson. Don't go getting tough with me if you got any beef stocked up at Trello. I've already talked to Trello and he's on my side. Believe me. On your side, how do you like that you miss your dues one week and the mother-hand starts kicking you out of the nest? Look, Phil, after ten years, I don't mind your band. I'm used to it. But listen to these letters I've been getting. Listen to this one. Dear Mr. Bennet, I am a poultry farmer. I read in a magazine that music helps the hens lay more eggs. So I put a radio in the hen house. Two weeks ago, I tuned in your program, the hens heard Phil Harris' orchestra. Now they are laying more eggs than ever, but the yolks are green. There you are, Phil. What do you think of that? Green yolks? The guy's got something there. You can use them in martinis. Please, maestro. Look, here's another one. Now get this other letter. Dear Mr. Bennet, I am a professor of English and literature at Harvard. And for years and years, I have consistently listened to your Sunday presentations. I have found your construction and continuity compact and concise. Your dialogue singularly free of cliches and ponderosities. But Mr. Harris' musical ensemble stinks. This proves he's a high class professor. He spells stinks with a Y. Now those two letters are just samples of the mail that comes in. Every week I get thousands and thousands and thousands of letters like those. Well, if I'm getting all that mail, I want more dough. Look, Phil, what I'm trying to tell you is that you better do something about your orchestra. What are you talking about? I got one of the greatest musical aggravations in the country. That's aggregation, but for once, you're right. Of course I'm right. You take my boys. They've all got great backgrounds in the music business. Oh, fine. Sure, take Frankie, my guitar player. For seven years, he played first washboard for Spike Jones. Well, he's not playing the washboard now, so tell him to stop strumming his guitar with that box of duds. If he's that close to soap, why doesn't he get some of it on him? Now, wait a minute. Don't be talking about Charlie, my piano player. He held a job with Guy Lombardo's orchestra for 12 years. 12 years with Guy Lombardo? Yeah, and he wasn't even a brother. Well, that has nothing to do with it. And believe me, Phil, I'm not picking on you. I'm just trying to arrive at an understanding. Now, Phil, I know you're sensitive. So I'm talking to you not as an employer, but as your friend. Now, let's try to... Phil, stop chewing on that ham-hawk and listen to me. Please. I'm sorry, Jackson. I just happened to have one in my pocket. All right, but, Phil, I hope we understand each other now. Okay, Jackson. Look, I gotta run along. Do you mind if I go? No, no. Go ahead. Phil, I said you can go. What are you waiting for? Well, open the door, Richard. Oh, yeah, yeah. So long, Jackson. Hello, Phil. Oh, how are you, Livy? Mary, come on in the library. I want to hear all about your trip. Where'd you go? Well, Jack, I thought you knew. I went back east to attend my mother and father's wedding anniversary. Really? And how were the Duke and Duchess of Plainfield? Oh, Swirling, you know, Jack, they have the cutest way of keeping track of their anniversaries. Each year on their wedding day, Papa snips off a lock of Mama's hair and puts it away. Well, that's awfully sweet. How long have they been married? I don't know. For the last three years, they've been calling Mama baldy. And Jack, you should have seen my sister, Babe. She looked beautiful. She wore a strapless evening gown and was really glamorous. You know, Mary, those strapless gowns fascinate me. How do they keep them up? I don't know about the other girl, but Babe uses fish hooks. Fish hooks? When Babe's out to catch a guy, she ain't kidding. Well, how did she do? Oh, she's got a nice boyfriend now. He's a credit dentist. Oh, you mean one of those dentists who let their patients put them on the installment plan? Yeah, one of his slogans is, don't sit around and gum your hash just because you're short of cash. One of his slogans? You mean he has others? Yeah. His best one is, don't keep your lips closed in sorrows. Smile today and pay tomorrow. Well, he certainly sounds like the right guy for Babe. Yes, and he's very successful too. He's the one who invented that new lower plate. It bites underwater. Oh, yes, it's got those new ballpoint teeth. By the way, Mary, would you like to have dinner with me? Oh, I can't, Jack. Dennis is coming by to pick me up in a few minutes. He's taking me to a movie. Oh, how come you're going out with Dennis tonight? Well, he called me up in Plainfield for the day. Dennis phoned you in Plainfield? Long distance? Yes, long distance. Well, of course he has two shows. You know... You know, Mary, I... Hello, Mr. Benny, Mary. Oh, hello, kid. We were just talking about you. I'm ready to go, Dennis. Say, Mr. Benny, ask me what picture we're going to see. What? I say, ask me what picture we're going to see. All right. What picture are you going to see? It's the one about a couple of deers. A couple of deers. The yearling? No, the dolly sisters. What? You're stepped into that one. Dennis. For a big time comedian, you ain't got that oxidol sparkle. Dennis, stop with the jokes, will you? Come on, Dennis, let's go. Hello? Oh, hello, Don. What? You've been rehearsing the commercial for next week? Don, what's so difficult about the commercial that you have to rehearse it? All you have to say is, L.S. M.F.T. L.S. M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. That's all you need. The quartet? No, no, Don. I'm not going to use them anymore. I don't care if they are in your room rehearsing. We're not going to... Well... Well, all right, I'll listen to them. But I'm warning you, this is their last chance. Okay, put them on. Hello, fellas. Now, cut that out. Just sing your commercial. Go ahead. Hmm, it's not bad at all. L.S. M.F.T. I love you. Say, that sounds beautiful. Fellas, hold it. Hold it. You started out so beautifully. Look, fellas, that isn't what I want. Wait a minute. Put Don back on. That's not what I... Hold it a minute, fellas. Put Don back... Fellas. Fellas, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Tell Don I'll talk to him when I see him. Goodbye! They drive me nuts. I'm gonna... Oh, there's the phone again. I wonder who it is this time. Hello? Yes, this is Jack Benny. What? Well... Well, I suppose I could, but of course I'll have to make some arrangements about my picture and radio commitment. Yes, I certainly will think it over. And it was nice of you to consider me. Thanks. Thanks very much. Goodbye. What was that, Jack? They want me to be Governor of Georgia. Well, go ahead, kids. You can run along now. All right. So long, Jack. So long. Goodbye, Governor. Goodbye, you all. Hmm, da-da-dee-dum-dee-da-dum-dum, sweet Georgia Brown. Da-da-da... Oh, Rochester! Yes, boss! What have we got for dinner? One used ham-hawk! One used ham-hawk? And turnip greens, he had a hole in his other pocket! Well, wipe the lind off of it. I'm hungry. I think I'll go in the library and get a book. Oh, here's one on the table. But you finished it, boss! I did? Yeah! Maybe I'll just read one for a change. I'll be in the library, Rochester. Gee, I don't know what to read. Here's a good book, The Great Balsamo by Maurice Zulato. Here's another one, Life in the Swiss Alps by Sam Oliole. Here's another one, The Rover Boys on Mulholland Drive. Hey, they're growing up. Here's one, I Stand Condemned by Maximilian Q. Langley. I Stand Condemned. I think I read that about a year ago. Gee, it was pretty good. Exciting, too. I might as well read it again before I take it back to the library. Chapter one, I Stand Condemned. I Stand Condemned. I Stand Condemned. You gotta let me out of here. I'm innocent, do you hear? In a few minutes, they're gonna execute me. What time do I go to the chair? 5.30. Good. Then I won't have to listen to Fred Allen. Oh, what am I saying? Gordon, Gordon, I tell you, it wasn't my fault. I don't want to go to the electric chair. Now, now, calm down. Our barber's a little rushed today, so I'll shave your head myself. Take it easy around the sideburns, please. Yes, sir. Manicure? No, no, thank you. I want to go to the electric chair. I won't leave this room. I can't walk that last mile. Oh, you won't have to. We'll bring the electric chair in here. What? We have a long cord, you know. But, Gordon, Gordon, can't you hand me? I'm afraid of the chair. How will they know when I'm dead? One of those new electric chairs. You pop up when you're done. But, Gordon, Gordon, I'm innocent. If you'll only listen to my story, I know you'll believe me. Oh, very well. What is your story? Well, Gordon, it goes back a long, long time. I would have let a normal life accept for the fickle finger of fate. I felt that we should have one more. Please, but may I trouble you for a match? I'm sorry I don't have one, but I'll let you use my cigarette lighter. Thank you. You're very kind. Hey, you! Give me that! All right, all right. Here's your lighter. But why were you running away? I thought you just wanted a lighter cigarette. I do, but my cigarette is home. Well, you have no right. Wait a minute. You look so much like Boris Karloff. Thanks. You're looking well yourself. Thank you. Thank you. However, my resemblance to Mr. Karloff is purely physical. For instance, I would never think of going to a cemetery in the black of night, opening graves and stealing the gold teeth out of dead bodies. Huh? That's... That's Disarvest, you know. Yeah. Wait a minute. You weren't trying to steal my cigarette lighter, were you? No, I wasn't. It's a matter of fact I'd like to buy it. I'll give you $20,000 for it. $20,000? Well, I... I don't want to take advantage of you. I'll tell you what. I'll throw in an extra flint. Just as I said, you're very kind. Here is the money. A $20,000 bill. Gosh! Well, so long, Mr. I hope you enjoy the lighter. Just a moment, please. I also admire your necktie. My necktie! I know it sounds fantastic, but he bought my tie for $17,000. And then he bought my shirt and my shoes and my suit. As I gave him my last stitch of clothing, this mysterious ranger handed me $194,000. And two balloons. Having no clothes, I blew up the balloons and danced my way home. I met the same mysterious man for a second time. That's right, children, eat your food. But, Daddy, can't we have milk like we used to? I'm tired of champagne on my grape nuts. Although you can't have milk, it costs practically nothing. Where's Junior? He's out in the backyard feeding $20 bills to the cows. Feeding our money to the cows? That's ridiculous. No, it isn't, Pa. We haven't any more bags to keep it in. Anyway, he's been out there long enough. I'll call him. Junior! Junior, get ready for school! Now, get ready. You know, darling, things just haven't been the same since that stranger came to live with us. He frightened me. There's something eerie about him. I've been feeling this state. Quiet. Here he comes now. As we were talking, he opened the door and walked into the... Good morning, everybody. Good morning. Did you sleep well? Yes, I did. Nah. Sit down. Thank you. I'm sorry I'm late for breakfast, but I overslept. I was out at a party last night. A party? Well, how do you feel this morning? Oh, we'll have some tomato juice. Yes, I'll get you some. You know, I envy you too. A beautiful home. Lovely children. Haven't you any children? No. I married a smudge pot. You married a smudge pot? Oh, then you haven't any children? No. But we're lousy with oranges. By the way, I don't feel I should live here any longer without paying you rent. How much do you want? Well, I... I'm no good at these things. Let's forget it. Oh, but I insist. Would a million dollars a week be enough? Well, with or without meals? With meals. That'll be $3 extra. I'll be glad to pay you. Glad? Captain, my shoes. I was now 11 feet thick. And look, I have a present for you. A brand new $10,000 bill. A $10,000 bill? Let me have it. Give it to me quick. I've got a hat. All right, but be careful how you handle it. The ink is still wet. No worry. The ink is still wet. Wait a minute. You mean you've been printing this money yourself? Certainly. But doesn't everybody? Oh, so that's it. I must have been blind now to see through this whole scheme. My life is ruined. I've lost my wife and my three lovely children. Chico, Pico and Sepulveda. I thought I was rich. But I haven't got a tie or a shirt or a suit. All I got is money, money, money. And all counterfeit. You even got my cigarette lighter. And I like a fool through in an extra flit. Yes, you are a fool. Do you think I'd really pay you $17,000 for a necktie? $22,000 for your button shoes? Now, wait a minute. Yes, you are a fool. Do you think I'd give you $500 for a dinner when I can get the same thing at zeroes for $400? Of course. That money was counterfeit. You know, balloons you gave me weren't any good either. They broke on the sunset bus and embarrassed me. And so all is time. You've been nothing but a counterfeiter. What's the difference? We can still do business. I can print the money and you can get rid of it for me. Never, never, never. I'll kill you first. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to kill you. Get your hands over my throat. Take him away. Take him away. Don't kill me. I'll give you back your clothes. What good are they now? You have the pants lengthen and the coat letter. You even lost the string out of my pajamas. Please, please stop choking me. Stop choking me. Oh, why must I always die in the end? There, there, there. It's 5.30, shall we go? No doubt about it. In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And herein, hereout, consistently, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Here's a tip from a man with a lifetime of tobacco experience. Mr. James Monroe Ball of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, an independent tobacco auctioneer for the past 31 years. Mr. Ball said, I speak as an eyewitness when I say that season after season, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine, ripe, mellow leaf. That good kind of tobacco that makes us well-smoke. I've smoked Lucky's myself for 29 years. Remember, at auction after auction, independent tobacco experts like Mr. Ball can see the makers of Lucky Strike consistently selected by that fine, that light, that naturally-mild tobacco. Fine, light, naturally-mild tobacco. Real Lucky Strike tobacco, yes? L-S-M-F-D. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means real deep-down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully-facked, so free and easy on the draw. I want to thank Boris Karloff for appearing here tonight, and he can currently be seen in his latest RKO picture, Bedlam. Oh, say, Jack. Yes, Don. I understand you're going to be on Kenny Baker's program in the morning. Yes, I am, Don. Will you pick me up for rehearsal? Yes, Jack. Rehearsal is at 7.30 a.m. Oh, well, don't bother. I'll go right over there from here. Good night, folks. This is MBC, the National Broadcasting Company.