 So today we're going to talk about the seven highly attractive qualities a man desires in a woman And I'm really excited to be sharing this topic It's really more about how to create a healthy happy successful relationship Now here's the thing folks many of you have said to me and I quote Jonathan your advice is rather depressing It gives me no hope And I can understand why you might feel that way the vast majority of humans are rather clueless and more Importantly, they're dysfunctional in their capacity to be in a relationship So I can see why you might feel this way and yet I just want you to know hope lies within the understanding of the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship Let me repeat that the hope lies in the understanding of the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship more importantly a healthy happy relationship with yourself Because if you want to attract the ideal relationship in your life, I think first You have to have a really good relationship with yourself It doesn't mean you have a great relationship with yourself, but you have a good relationship with yourself in addition Understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship helps you avoid spending time with the wrong person, but more importantly you become a magnetic Attractor to the right person in your life So I said earlier humans are rather clueless and dysfunctional You know, it's fascinating to me because women seek dating or dating and relationship advice Because they seek answers of how to get the elusive dysfunctional man to commit to them I'm repeat that they seek advice how to get that elusive dysfunctional man to commit to them Now ladies, do you know the advice that men seek? Most the time men seek dating advice on how to meet women I mean seriously, that's the advice they seek Because many men feel as though they're being rejected Because most women seem to want to approach the cream of the crop the top 20% or the top 10% Particularly in the online dating sphere, that's the way men view it In fact, there's a significant percentage of men that aren't even up to bat So to speak in the dating realm and and sadly also, this is true for women as well Particularly in the midlife category. I think younger men feel like they they are not up to bat I think older men actually probably have a few more options than their younger demographic But this is the challenges people face because men oftentimes lack the confidence To actually lean into even asking a woman out because they feel a sense of rejection You know, I said earlier dysfunction. Let me tell you where dysfunction usually comes from childhood wounds or Adult traumas. Let me repeat that childhood wounds or adult traumas now when I say childhood wounds I don't necessarily mean that there was abuse at the home or any type of significant Chaos in a child's life Believe or not, we all have garden variety wounds That's not to say and not to to discount those that have had significant childhood trauma But we've all had wounds to some degree Let me give you an example of one in my own life and this relates to this topic So bear with me today because this really will emphasize the seven highly attractive qualities a man desires in a woman As I said before they're really about how to create a healthy happy relationship When I was in first and second grade, I remember before First period, you know, we play in the playground the kids the kids. This is Kindergarten, you know through first and second grade Or excuse me kindergarten through first grade, excuse me And I remember I was always last to be picked to be on the team I was always last to be picked on the team. In fact, I Remember I really have a strong memory of how sad it was To continually be rejected over and over and over again not picked like it was literally more like an afterthought That I walked on one team or the other for the the game of dodgeball and such like that And I'll share with you that had an emotional effect on me. I felt unwanted In fact, it's kind of interesting because that's kind of what I experience even in my adult life in relationship I've experienced relationships where I have felt like the unwanted person Can I share with you Something that even saddens me in this conversation is that when my son was in Kindergarten in fifth grade and I drop him off at the playground and I witnessed the kids being so mean to him in the games that they played and it literally brought me back to my childhood and I was like suffering both for myself and Makes me cry now and I was suffering for him because of that rejection You see we can all have some level of trauma or wound that happened in our childhood that that Transitions into our adult life that makes it difficult for a human to actually lean into a healthy happy relationship And this can get go into our L, you know our later in our years even in high school I remember and tell me if this resonates with you I remember in high school the first day at my first time I went to high school I was so scared See back then no, you didn't have a A student a senior walking you around to your classrooms and that sort of thing You had to figure out everything on your own there was no orientation that happened back in the 70s And I remember that first day being so scared and It's indicative of other areas of my life and not to say that I'm a scaredy cat or anything like that But I want you to know how these emotional flex effects bleed into your adult life They make imprints these tiny little grooves and imprints that cause it cause most humans to have difficulty To open up particularly in a romantic relationship that they feel like they're going to get hurt And so the reality is is when I say humans are clueless and dysfunctional this isn't something that people do intentionally It's a byproduct of the lack of awareness for most humans and what I'm about to share these highly attractive Reasons for a relationship success most humans are not aware of this and again with awareness It puts the odds in your favor. That's what I'm here to do is put the odds in your favor Okay, the first one that's highly attractive and by the way, let me be clear This really should be titled seven highly highly successful Aspects of a successful relationship. Maybe that would have been a better title Okay, so bear with me for a second if it feels like clickbait number one Is couples that integrate into each other's lives See when you begin dating someone you're getting to know them, you know on a cursory level But ultimately what's the point of dating someone if you're not going to be in a relationship with them? Like what's the point? Are you just there? Hey, I'm just here to have a good time. It's about having a good time No, it's about getting a free meal No, it's about having a good time. That's not the purpose of dating Dating is a vetting process to see if it's worth exploring a relationship with someone And by the way, if you need some support with that check out the link below to a free discovery call with me To see if working with a coach is right for you My whole area of expertise is designed to help you vet better Okay, so coming back to this integrating into each other's lives That's critically important if you want to have a healthy happy relationship This is what creates a happy relationship is an integration now The problem is is these days most humans find themselves in either hookups situationships or casual relationships and i'm here to to To invite you to make a stand. I make a stand for a Serious relationship and if it's going to if you're going to be physically intimate with one another then it's best to recognize That integrating into each other lives builds the deep roots of trust To sustain the relationship beyond the surface Now number two it's pretty critically important to have a shared passion Something that you're both mutually passionate about Maybe it's pickleball Maybe it's the love of arts. Maybe it's photography Maybe if it's like me, it's human behavior and the study of human behavior. I'm a junkie for trying to understand humans Myself included spirituality Maybe it's politics. Maybe it's your religion Whatever it is. It is so critically important to have a strong mutual passion Because without it now for some people that from you know for some of my contemporaries Who are in this genre if you will this field? Their shared passion is raising their children. That's their predominant shared passion But for those of us in midlife and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement Many of us already have fully curated lives with children of our own So we're not our shared passion isn't our children in the sense of our individual passion might be our children But finding that shared passion for one another is critically important For the success of a long-term relationship is finding that commonality with one another number three emotional maturity Look at we have humans that have terrible Regulation of their emotions. We get defensive. We gaslight. We Stonewall we criticize. We even have contempt If you're not familiar with the work of john and julie dotman I highly recommend reading two books eight dates by doctors john and julie gotman and seven principles for making marriage work Why in these books they talk about the four horsemen of the apocalypse in relationship and that is criticism contempt Stonewalling and defensiveness criticism contempt stonewalling defensiveness See humans that operate in those realms Oftentimes don't know how to regulate their emotions in such a way and they lack a sense of eq Being able to regulate one of most one's emotions emotional maturity is a critical factor for relationship success And yet most humans don't you know, it's fascinating I you know when I said clueless before it's because we have this belief that chemistry equals relationship success And if you haven't figured it about by now chemistry is certainly important, but it is not It is not the key to relationship success. It's important But being emotionally mature ranks up there with a shared vision shared values And blendable lifestyles. That's when I talked about earlier the integration into each other's lives And part of this emotional maturity number four is relationship skills particularly in conflict resolution By the way coming back to this book eight dates, and by the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books. I recommend you know chapter Chapter two it's number two agree to disagree addressing conflict by the way This is such a critically important skill and yet most humans are pathetic In their capacity to resolve conflicts because we all most humans operate from the premise that I'm right and you're wrong I've been watching love is blind the new season And it's fascinating when these couples get into an argument with one another how they're literally I'm right. You're wrong In fact, there is a show on showtime called couples therapy where it's like hidden cameras in a therapy session And it fascinates me how many of them are operating from I'm right. You're wrong You know the question becomes do you want to be happy or do you want to be right? And happy is learning good conflict resolution skills. By the way, if you haven't read the book The Hoffman process the Hoffman process by marshal Rosenberg. I highly recommend reading this book Well, by the way, there's a link to my book as well What the heck is self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work I highly recommend see it's book right there recommend getting my book. Okay, non-violent communication It should have been titled compassionate communication but we can learn to Resolve our differences diplomatically gracefully you know with a sense of courtesy kindness and care Those are building the deep roots to a successful relationship Number five a desire to meet each other's needs when reasonable and without resistance I'm gonna repeat that a desire to meet each other's needs when it's reasonable, but met without resistance Do you know most couples are very selfish? They want their needs met But this is about saying I want to meet my partner's needs By mutually wanting to meet our partner's needs But it has to be a reasonable need if you need 14 phone calls every 32 seconds to let me know You're okay while you're at work. That's an unreasonable need So if a partner makes a request in a non-violent way honey I'd feel so happy If every once in a while you would check in with me at work I know your phone butt dials a few times a day if you can just shoot me a text message Just let me know you're thinking of me. I'd really appreciate it. Is that reasonable to ask? And you see a mutual desire to meet each other's need Well, then you have to have the desire to meet the need without resistance Well, I'm busy and I just can't take time off of work. Well, your phone butt dials a couple times a day Can't you just butt dial me? We can do things for our partners when it's reasonable And when we don't when we aren't resistant of it We actually form a healthier happier relationship with the person that we say I love you to Isn't that what this is all about? Saying I love you to each other Isn't that what this is about getting to that place of being in partnership with one another? I hope it is Number six a desire to do what's best for your partner You know, it occurs to me If raise your hand if you're a parent if your parent hit that like button right now, but say put in the chat box right now I'm a parent As parents, aren't you always trying to do what's best for your child? Provided that it's reasonable and you don't want to be met with resistance from your child What's the same in partnership? You want to do what's best for your partner? Just in that same vein that you would do for your children you want to do what's best for them But you're mutually wanting to do what's best for them Again, if it's reasonable And without resistance This is the critical piece of this without resistance oftentimes We're so resistant to wanting to meet our partner's needs or do what's best for them Or they are not accepting of what's best for them Now you got it again reasonable what a reasonable person would agree Okay, so you you've got to make that up make up your mind on that on your own And last but number seven Regular physical and emotional intimacy with your partner regular physical and emotional intimacy your partner The reality is is without a healthy sex life Both on an emotional level on a physical level your relationship Again, not every relationship needs Need sex to be successful, but for those of us that enter in midlife. It's rather imperative Quite frankly we need that's that's the that's the best time to get the closest with this other human being and when I say Regular physical and emotional intimacy. I want men to have a heart on to go with their heart on Okay, I want them to have a heart on to go with their heart on Okay You know ideally you want to have the hots for each other And this is where a lot of relationships fail But I will tell you these seven factors are for relationship success I want you to write these down come back and rewind this write all this down because ultimately Ultimately if you don't understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship all the dating in the world is going to backfire because If you're not prepared for the the the mechanics How can you ever drive the car basically? I know many of you just buy a car stick the key and hope it works But ultimately if it breaks down and you have nowhere else to fix it You got to learn to fix it on your own and hence why I share These principles with you is this sinking in is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is I'd like to hear your thoughts post a comment below I do my best to read them all in the first 24 hours As always if you find value in these videos, please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well Also, if you want to connect with me check out the links to a schedule a discovery call with me Check out my group called midlife love mastery check out all the books I recommend follow me on instagram and get my dating vows It'll all be listed in the first comment and below in the show notes All right, those who know my format it's time for q&a if you have a question Write the word question then post the question thereafter Or you can purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies from the super stickers super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Conor Asley Oops, that's Colin over there. That's my son Conor. It's my son who passed away over five years ago in his honor We donate to causes like the Hoffman process insight institute and Scholarships on private coaching as well So hit that little dollar sign if you're watching the replay hit that super thanks button which is right next to the top bar right below the video All right, let's see what we've gotten the way of questions. Oh, and if you want to join the hot seat Here's the link to join the hot seat as well Sandy wants to remind everyone closeness and intimacy are a must exactly Margaret says so true exactly Uh Sherry wants to remind us of the 10 essentials of the secure partnership by dr. Stanton Yes, I interview to my my channel. You can go you can search for that but dr. Stanton wrote two books Wired for love and wired for dating. Those are listed below. I highly recommend checking out these books Wired for dating wired for love highly recommend checking those out Yes, dr. Stanton love him Hey, we just got a 20 dollar super sticker from the feminine one. Thank you so much That leaves us 30 dollars for our balance tonight. Thank you for the love. I really appreciate it Julie says Is twice a month enough for intimacy? Not if you live not in my world If I have a regular day in day out relationship Or we see each other on average two or three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest Spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy I'm going to want at least twice a week. I'm speaking for myself I think in my last relationship our average was at least three times a week. Please forgive me for sharing that publicly Um, but that was probably our minimum average. That's just me. You've got to decide for yourself You and your partner have to decide that for yourself. But if you're asking me, it's not enough Who here agrees who wants more sex raise your hand and saying yes, I want to have more sex with my partner Hey, I want to give margaret her props for her $15 super sticker. That's a lot of love We really appreciate that leaves us a $15 for our goal tonight 15 more dollars Thank you for that. Hey sandy's in the house Question after leaving a relationship that was not reciprocated How do you trust and not be afraid to open up to somebody new without the fear of rejection again? You know, I love this question and you're gonna have to give me a minute I want I want to read to you a post. I did on instagram um So I have a friend of mine Bennett Lewis who we were chatting about this very same topic and And so he he said something to me and I said I loved it so much that I had to get a meme for it So here's what it says it says Conscious attachment. I don't know if you can see that Please forgive the fuzziness. It's let me just read it. Okay, please forgive me It says the odds are this relationship will end but let's find out if it doesn't you are worth the pain of losing you Okay, so I'm going to read this to you I said romantic relationships require a leap of faith because whether two people date for a few weeks Or a lifetime at some point it will end. Sadly death will catch one person first Statistically speaking the odds of experience a healthy happy relationship are very low judging by divorce rates or even our current dating environments Yet humans are drawn to this because they hope to be the exception and not the rule The hard part is going in with beginner's heart coined by my friend Bennett Which basically means being open and curious and if there's a true spark of connection to go all in without attachment to the outcome Every relationship has a purpose and every experience has meaning So sandy beginners heart What that means is is putting the past behind you And being open to the possibility of what can happen for you Now that's hard to do. That's a real mental exercise No one from your future should pay the price Of past hurts. No one in the future should pay that price So my hope is you go in with beginner's heart. Okay open and receptive to love All right. Hope that helps Hey, Amy just gave us a ten dollar super sticker. Thank you. You know what? That means we're five dollars away from fifty dollars. Let's make the goal a hundred dollars tonight. Okay I'd love to give away some money this week. That is so wonderful. Thank you so much True morris raised her hand when I said earlier About having regular sex paltry raised her hand for more regular sex Margaret raised her hand for more regular sex. I'm in agreement I'm a horny bastard too. So no wonder why Kathy McFadden says some conflicts cannot be resolved You know, I I would say that there are going to be sometimes where you have to both agree to disagree But if one person is staunch Then if you if you're not coming to the agreement that you both can agree to disagree that will most likely End up being a wedge in your relationship from a long-term perspective my my parents best friends always said to me We never went to bed angry. We always resolve everything by midnight. Of course Back then those relationships. It was always the man right. So I'm not sure that's a great example Given that generation, but I I do believe in doing your best to resolve all conflicts Um Julie says I agree. Jonathan about past hurts shouldn't be brought into new relationships and even sandy says good advice I will open. Yes. Thank you good Amy just gives me some uh shakes or yes on that sex question. All right. KT is in the house kt vix By the way, who wants to join me on the hot seat? I would love to have someone on all right Hey t fix question or just your opinion been talking to a guy for a couple weeks He a text and one phone call when I asked about meeting he said patience And planning is required. Is he just unsure? You know, here's the thing when we meet someone from a dating site most likely that's how the two of you met Nine out of ten times we look at the pictures in profile and we're like, yeah, maybe So my guess is he feels maybe Look at when I look at someone's profile and they go, fuck me. I want to meet her as fast as possible I'm like jump on that phone meet them right away I will tell you 99 out of 100 profiles I'm saying yeah, maybe By the way ladies and men too. You guys do a shitty job of your dating profiles I mean that apps a fucking loosely shitty job and hence why you get a lot of Maybe's so By the way, you every woman thinks no my profile is perfect. I'm like that picture makes me want to bomb it But jonathan it means so much to me where I my eyes are closed and you can see the sunset in the back and My face is all dark because the you know the the flat the lights and all that stuff But I love that picture. It's so beautiful. It's a piece of shit I'm sorry lady. And by the way guys do just as pathetic profiles Someone put this in the chat box. I want someone to write down. Look better online Look better online Dot com look better online dot com check out By the way, you can go to you can go to group on for like less than a hundred bucks Have a professional photographer take some really good personalized photos of you that are perfect for dating profiles folks Let me just show you mine for example I mean this is my bumble profile, but you know, it's not these were done with my my my my son Okay Now you can't tell because it's a little bit fuzzy, but I'm going to tell you that's a crystal clear photograph of me Okay, let me go to the next one okay oops Crystal clear photograph now by the way, I know you can't tell right now, but that is a crystal clear photograph Okay Here's the next one It's kind of the same Crystal clear photograph. I let's look at some women's profiles right now. Let's just do it I'll just tell you with the shit that I'm looking at. Okay. Here's her first picture You can barely tell what she looks like. Okay. You can barely tell what she looks like um Here she's got sunglasses on okay. I can't even tell what she looks like Okay, we'll swipe This one it's fuzzy and her cap covers her face. You can't tell what she looks like Oh my god, this picture she looks like she's angry. I know you can't tell but it looks like she's angry um Hold on so okay coming back to my point He's just like yeah, maybe that's what's going on because most likely your profile isn't all that exciting Now the question is did you guys have really good phone call? I forgot to mention that if you had a really good phone Then the phone call might have been at maybe two So he's saying patience and planning is required Okay, well when you're ready, then we should meet when you're ready Then we should meet don't be careful of these guys that become like Pen pals or your therapist on the telephone. This is oftentimes what happens when people prolong it But that comment patience and planning is required takes no fucking planning Hey, there's a coffee shop about a mile away from where I live. Do you want to meet up there? Like that's I mean not that because you know what a first date For first meeting I should be should be just something easy Not all that big of a deal. You're just doing the sniff test for one another So anyway, that's my thoughts on that kt. Thank you so much All right, Suzanne says what do you think about a man dating you for months and not willing to say? I love you due to a past relationship drama You know people that have unresolved past relationships have walls up And let me tell you something You will never drop his walls If his walls are up before you meet him and you have you cling on to the hope Well, if he loves me enough, he'll drop his walls If your relationship is most likely doomed, I'm gonna tell you something and I learned this the hard way myself everybody wink wink When someone has walls up from a past relationship hurt They have it makes it almost impossible for them to fall in love with you Especially if they if you two people haven't experienced that early on in the relationship How long you've been dating for about for months It's rare They've got to do some serious healing on their own And enter into the process with beginners heart if their heart is covered in ice You will not be able to melt it. It's very rare Very rare that that can happen. I'm sorry. This sucks But I I refuse to ever date someone who's got walls up going forward for me All right Suzanne says I love your honesty. Thank you so much Now billy says you don't look like those pictures. I I actually do. I look exactly like my pictures Except I'm wearing glasses. Um, or I'm not wearing glasses Okay, I think this will be our last question for the night lighthouse or another one Does it matter that your profile pictures are not taken at your home but look like it's your home? I mean Listen People will take photo. By the way, do you know there's a company that you can go and have your picture taken on a private jet? But it's just a it's a mock jet. And so you've got a picture on a private jet Um, if it's a multi multi billion dollar home, uh, then that's not cool You know, but if it's someone else's house and it's a picture of you I think that's totally fine. It doesn't have to be your all Uh question why aren't women putting up better pictures because they're fucking lazy. I'm sorry. I'm I I have I I am so angry at how How ambivalent human beings are on the most important thing of their life that it it may I'm listen I am I this I'm gonna say something. Okay. I own this piece This is a really this really pisses me the fuck off I think because I do this for living. I'm so I'm I'm angry. I don't I've obviously there's something There's some trigger inside of me that's causing this. It's a mirror of my own shit, but I'm like I'm almost I I act really like an asshole in this. I'm a dick and what I mean to say is I Feel like saying are you so fucking stupid man or woman to put this piece of shit out there thinking you're gonna find love I'm sorry. It's like it's like, okay I guess it's like When you're when you're with someone smart, but they're acting really stupid Um, that's a really bad example. I don't know what it is about it for me But it just really irks me to see good people do such a shitty job And and and you can't claim ignorance. You just can't It's like trying to get a job for the company you most want and you show up in your pajamas. That's how pathetic it is Anyway, that's my two cents on that one Uh Wendy wants to know how do you know if it's a rebound or not? Find out when their last relationship was and see and ask him to talk about his past relationship and listen to If he still seems like he's in love with her then, you know, it's going to be a rebound Okay, uh We're going to cut it short tonight. So question. Do you think if the pictures are staged and then you meet in person Then the guy may be disappointed You know a listen Slight touching up of a photograph a slight cleaning up is not a big deal Truly changing someone's features. That's a big deal. Okay Um, I know some people that totally morph their body into thinner. That's wrong They morph their face into thinner. I'm just talking a good photographer. Just does a little bit of clean like my face isn't perfect I've got like little sun. Look at I got I think here. No here. I've got like a little sun blotch here That can't be removed Um, so, uh, you know a photographer will clean up your face a little bit smooth it out I don't think that's a big deal. No different than makeup If it's no different than makeup, I think it's fine if it's a gross distortion of the way you look Then yeah, that's just not cool Okay, and I've seen them literally take a person and drop 20 or 30 pounds By making them slimmer. That's just not cool At the end whether it's a man or a woman. Okay um Sharon says f y great photo shoot Offer I utilized on facebook a female Philanthropic half off in san francisco, elisa centennial really pro shots for my dating app come back Okay, you've got it there. She puts it out there if you happen to be in san francisco But again go to group on there are starving photographers that will do great photographs for you for less than 100 bucks Um, by the way the pictures for my profile By the way, if you guys have us uh an android or an iphone I handed my phone to my son He took several photographs for me a half a dozen photographs right in my living room a couple different poses And they are working perfectly for me in the sense that I get a lot of Compliments on my photographs. Okay, so that's my suggestion and sherry wants to say thank you Hey folks, I'm going to cut it short tonight Um, I hope you found value wait Oh, here's rosie says not speaking for myself, but I think women I think often women are insecure about of their appearance and that's why they put photos that you can't really make out If you're insecure about yourself, then what are you doing dating if you're in Okay, I'm being a little bit harsh. Okay Here's why I'm angry That insecure woman is going to continually get rejected because she put shitty photographs of herself She'll continually get rejected which will only make her more and more insecure By the way, this is why I have a friend of mine, uh kim selzer. I did an interview with her last year. She's a she's a flirt expert and a style expert and she just she goes in and helps women in their style and their approach Puts themselves out there and by the way it up lifts their spirits So if you put a shitty photograph because you're insecure, you're only going to perpetuate that insecurity by being rejected over and over and over again And that's why I'd rather you just get good photographs out there. Does that make sense everyone? I hope it does Uh leaps is in the house. Thank you. Jonathan great listening in time. Good night. God bless healthy self-love Uh blessings to all margaret day of your dream. All right last minute to donate to the conor as a scholarship fund Let that little dollar sign and let's give some love before we wrap up tonight Hey, if you found value in this video, please post a comment below I'd like to hear all your thoughts as always if you find value my videos Please hit that like button. Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell So you can be notified of new videos and if you want to connect with me directly Check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan marig of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone that a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives I want to thank margaret and net and day and sherry and true morris and leaves and gg and blondie and sandy and rosy and julie and julie to julie Uh, just sherry jennify gg net detective again Windy margaret and thanks for that love on all the donations tonight big hugs. Thanks a bunch