 Good morning my beautiful internet friends. I just wanted to show you real quick what peak athletic performance looks like This is what I look like the majority of the time. Let's go on adventure So I was recently sent the Traxxas e-bike and I want to take you guys on a little bike adventure today and talk to you about something That's been on my mind I used to do videos like this all the time that were more like vloggy follow me around day in the life And they kind of went out of style on YouTube, but I felt like doing one today step one You guessed it put on real clothes for public consumption. Also get my leg on She's so cute. No one's gonna be listening to a single word that I'm saying. We're gonna do a little something different for today's video I wanted to take you on a biking adventure and I was gonna find some like picturesque place to sit down and talk about this thing That's been on my mind But I got to that beautiful place and there were other people around and the thought of like doing the Influencer thing and setting up a camera and a mic it just it just felt like it would be ruining the experience for everybody else So what we're gonna do instead is I'm gonna take you on the adventure as I am talking about this thing Okay, something kind of cool about my leg This is a pin lock socket meaning all I have to do push the button pop it off And previously I've made videos about having a separate biking leg I no longer need that because I have a pin lock for every day It's not as like bulky around my knee And so I am actually able to pedal without having to bring an entirely separate socket which that is a relief fine mom I'll bring my jacket. Do you hear my dogs very upset in the background that they aren't coming with me Don't make fun of me for the way My helmet looks it's safe. So a couple of months ago. I made a very Knee jerk decision to move out of Colorado Springs where I'd lived basically since I was 10 years old I was in a relationship for a decade married for seven the entire time we lived in the Springs And there were additional traumatic things that happened in that city And I always took this perspective of I don't want to leave if I have a bad feeling towards a place But after one conversation with someone where I was like I really I just feel stuck here right like emotionally I feel stuck. I'm just I'm gonna do it and so very quickly. I found a place I signed a lease so that I would like force myself to actually do it I was genuinely very scared to move for a lot of reasons. I talked about that in my moving video But it was I think the best single decision I have ever made for myself in recent years Because oh my god, I have been able to start actually Breathing for the first time. I want to say in decades One of the many things I like about this Traxxas e-bike is that it has that throttle So that especially when I'm like getting started, right? I can just hit that throttle and then like find my balance get pedaling from there It makes a surprisingly large difference in the ease of getting started I like many of us have always had a very complicated relationship with my emotions I learned at a young age suppress those suckers, right? You don't want to feel things Feelings are scary. They're dangerous. They're bad. Don't do it Just say no which led to some very unhealthy and somewhat dangerous coping mechanisms throughout my life And in the past couple of months with the help of therapy for the actual first time in my life I've started feeling emotions without judging them or always trying to intellectualize them And one of the most interesting things to me is that everything has been so deeply bittersweet And I think that's something I used to fight like if I was in a good situation, I'd be like I should be happy I'm judging myself for not being better. If something felt a little sad I might completely dive into like the depths of despair and in this process of making Peace with what I feel Everything feels bittersweet and I've begun to actually grieve so many things that I think I desperately needed but had no idea Having to walk away from a relationship that I thought was forever I invested every bit of my being into I did everything that I could there is so much to mourn There is so much sadness. There is so much anger. There is so much Confusion at times and moving away from all of those memories having some space even from people who I love very very dearly But we're so entwined with all of that. I've begun to feel happiness that is just happy I've begun to actually process things. So I just stopped to adjust my seat height because it felt a little low I was like on the side of the road. I was pulled off plenty of room But two different bikers were like, hey, are you good? Hey, are you good? So lovely when people are nice and watch out for each other It is turning into quite the beautiful Colorado day. Alright, so I've made it about 15 miles so far We're in a pretty little dirt bike path. I no longer hate myself for having emotions I think this is so like this sounds so hypocritical for me to say out loud because I have always very much promoted Feeling things publicly personally whatever I think the reason for that is because I struggle so deeply with that in myself So I preach it very loudly. It's okay to feel things. It's okay not to be okay It's okay to take a break from life for a while, you know be angry. That's important all of that But in reality that I like 32 years of my life I've just hated myself for feeling things deeply and like denied that and it is absolutely life-changing To be able to be really angry and feel that fully and be like I am friggin Piss and then it like actually moves through my body. I don't have to do anything about it Right, I don't have to act out in anger But I can be mad and be lifting weights and be thinking all kinds of angry things and it doesn't make me a terrible person And then maybe 20 minutes later I am genuinely happy about something without it all feeling so deluded because I'm not denying myself feeling So I recently started weight training again, which is something I very much enjoy however I do find it extraordinarily knowing that I'm now hungry 24 seven like I can't go Two hours without eating something. I feel like which is why I bring protein bars everywhere I want to talk about this it feels very self-indulgent right being a youtuber is pretty self-indulgent sometimes But to encourage you if you are someone who resonates with anything that I said Allowing yourself to feel things even if it's for two seconds at a time that might extend to four seconds next time Right, even if it's in little pieces I think is such a vital part of our human experience that not many of us are taught giving yourself mental space Feel that acknowledge it grieve it be mad about it cry about it I believe does allow us peace on the other side and I have begun to experience Peace in my life since moving and since doing some of this work for the first time ever It's revolutionary for me to actually feel okay While also being deep in grief and deep in anger and hurting feel safe with myself That's a new one the one of the things that I find bizarre about being an amputee is that if I'm cold Right if I'm a little chilly. It's like 40 out. It's not bad at all I don't even need a winter coat and my legs are a little chilly when I'm biking and there's something about Phantom sensation that gets wonky with temperature where if my meat leg is like a little cold, right? My non-existent phantom foot will be ice frickin cold fully immersed in ice bath just freezing So as I'm pedaling it feels like one of my feet is like getting frostbite. Thankfully. It's not as it doesn't exist There's some quote from a movie that's just been ricocheting around my head that goes we cut off So much of ourselves to be rid of things faster the idea that we're hacking off emotions and hacking off pieces of ourselves Because it's uncomfortable because it's difficult because we want to be through it want to be done We want to be better. We want to not feel this way and in doing so we disable ourselves We deny ourselves humanity feel the things ask for help connect with people be vulnerable Where to say for you to do so? That's what I've been trying to practice. It's been working very well And we are safely back home I did underestimate how cold like 38 degrees feels when you're moving in the wind because by the time I got back I could like not feel my fingers less than for next time Also, I just want to say a quick word about the e-bike that I'm using Thank you so much to Troxas for sending that to me for sponsoring today's video if you have ever considered getting an e-bike I would highly recommend you check them out link in the description the model that I have is their fat tire It's the links one I'll put the link to the actual one that I'm using in the description as well But if an e-bike is ever something you've thought about getting whether you are an adaptive biker like me or not I think they are absolutely amazing I could not bike without them because as you guys know sometimes my leg is a little finicky It's a little painful and I get really scared of being stuck places Stranded on the road somewhere and using this e-bike makes me feel safe because it has assistive pedaling So if I want to pedal it's gonna help me with that and if things go to hell and it's way too uncomfortable I can literally just throttle all the way home this bike in particular I believe it has at least 33 miles of just pure throttle no pedaling necessary as someone who really likes biking I think they are the bees knees now. I know I know real bikers Don't like them, but I am a okay with that if it allows me to still go outside and do stuff Thank you so much for going on a little adventure with me today. I hope you're hanging in there I hope you're taking care of yourself. I hope the new year brings beautiful things for you and I will see you there Thank you so much to my patrons for supporting these videos. Thanks again to Troxas for sponsoring it and to you Lovely viewer. Yes you watching this video right now Thank you so much for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me today and Leo scratching his ear meaning that my camera is probably Shaking you could be anywhere else in the world Doing anything else what you chose to hang out with me here for a few minutes, and I really appreciate it I love you guys. I'm thinking about you and we will see you in the next video. Bye guys