 CHAPTER XIII It was a clear crisp day in March with just a smell of spring in the air when Cameron finally united with the church. He had taken a long time to think about it. Quarantine had extended itself away into February, and while his company had had its regular drill and hard work, there had been no leave from camp, no going to YMCA huts, and no visiting canteens. They had been shut up to the company of the members of their own barracks, and there were times when that paled upon Cameron to a distressing degree. Once when it had snowed for three days and rained on top of it, and a chill wind had swept into the cracks and crannies of the barracks, and poured down from the ventilators in the roofs, the old stoves were roaring their best to keep up good cheer, and the men lay on their cots and rows talking, telling their vile stories, one after another, each to sound bigger than the last, some mere lads boasting of wild orgies, and all finally drifting into a chat on a sort of philosophy of the lowest ideals. Cameron lay on his cot trying to sleep, for he had been on guard all night, and a letter from Ruth was in his inside pocket with a comfortable crackle, but the talk that drifted about him penetrated even his army blankets when he drew them up over his ears. The fellows had arrived at a point where a young lad from Texas had stated with a drawl that all girls were more or less bad, that this talk of the high standards of womanhood was all bosh, that there was one standard for men and women yes, but it was man's standard, not woman's, as was written sometimes, white womanhood, bah, there was no such thing. In vain Cameron stuffed the blanket about his ears, resolutely shut his eyes and tried to sleep. His very blood boiled in his veins, the letter in his pocket cried out to be exonerated from this wholesale blackening. Suddenly Cameron flung the blanket from him and sprang to his feet with a single motion, a tall soldier with a white flame of wrath in his face, his eyes flashing with fire. They called him in friendly derision the silent corporal because he kept so much to himself, but now he blazed forth at them. You lie, Killy, you know you do, the whole lot of you are liars, you know that rot you've been talking isn't true, you know that it's to cover up your own vile deeds and to excuse your own lustful passions that you talk this way and try to persuade your hearts and consciousness that you are no worse than the girls you have dishonored, but it isn't so and you know it, there are good women, there always have been and there always will be. You, every one of you know at least one, you are dishonoring your mothers and your sisters when you talk that way, you are worse than the beasts you are going out to fight. That's the rotten stuff they are teaching, they call it cool tour, you'll never win out against them if you go in that spirit, for it's their spirit and nothing more, you've got to go clean, if there's a God in heaven he's in this war and it's got to be a clean war and you've got to begin by thinking differently of women or you're just as bad as the Huns. With that he seized his poncho, stamped out into the storm and tramped for two hours with the driving sleet in his face, his thoughts a fury of holy anger against unholy things and back of it all the feeling that he was the night of true womanhood, she had sent him forth and no man in his presence should defile the thought of her. It was during that tramp that he made up his mind to ally himself with God's people, whether it would do any good in the long run in his search for God or not, whether he was even sure he believed in God or not, he would do that much if he were permitted. His interview with the minister had not made things much plainer. He had been told that he would grow into things that the church was the shepherd fold of the soul that he would be nurtured and taught that by and by these doubts and fears would not trouble him. He did not quite see it how he was to be nurtured on the distant battlefield of France, but it was a mystical thing anyway, and he accepted the statement and let it go at that. One thing that stuck in his heart and troubled him deeply was the way the minister talked to him about love and fellowship with his fellow men. As a general thing Cameron had no trouble with his companions in life. But there were one or two, notably Wainwright and a young captain friend of his at camp named Wertz, toward whom his enmity almost amounted to hatred. He was not altogether sure that the minister's suggestion that he might love the sinner and hate the sin would hold good with regard to Wainwright. But there had been only a brief time before the communion service, and he had to let the matter go. His soul was filled with a holy uplifting as he stepped out from the pastor's study and followed into the great church. It had startled him just a little to find so many people there. In contemplating this act of allying himself with God, he had always thought of it as being between himself and God, with perhaps the minister and an elder or two. He sat down in the place indicated for him much disturbed in spirit. It had always been an annoyance to him to be brought to the notice of his fellow townsmen and a man in uniform in these days was more than ever an object of interest. His troubled gaze was downward during the opening hymns and prayers. But when he came to stand and take his vows, he lifted his eyes and there off at one side where the seats grouped in a sort of transept, he caught a glimpse of Ruth McDonald standing beside her tall captain cousin who was home for the day. And there was a light in her eyes that studied him and brought back the solemnity of the moment once more. It thrilled him to think she was there. He had not realized before that this must be her church. In fact, he had not thought of it as being any church in particular, but as being a part of the great church invisible to which all God's children belonged. It had not occurred to him until that morning either that his mother might be hurt that he had not chosen her church. But when he spoke to her about it, she shook her head and smiled. She was only glad of what he was doing. There were no regrets. She was too broad minded to stop about creeds. She was sitting there meekly over by the wall. Now her hands folded quietly in her lap, tears of joy in her eyes. She too had seen Ruth McDonald and was glad, but she wondered who the tall captain by her side might be. It happened that Cameron was the only person uniting by confession at that time, for the quarantine had held him beyond the time the pastor had spoken of when so many were joining, and he stood alone, tall and handsome in his uniform, and answered in a clear deep voice, I do, I will, as the vows were put upon him one by one. Every word he meant from his heart, a longing for the God who alone could satisfy the longings of his soul. He thrilled with strange new enthusiasm as the congregation of church members were finally called upon to rise and receive him into their fellowship. And looking across, he saw Ruth McDonald again and his beloved Captain LaRue standing together while everybody sang. Blessed be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love. The fellowship of kindred minds is like to that above. But when the bread and the wine had been partaken of, the solemn prayer of dedication spoken, the beautiful service was over, and the rich tones of the organ were swelling forth. He suddenly felt strange and shy among all that crowd of people whom he knew by sight only. The elders and some of the other men and women shook hands with him, and he was trying to slip away and find his mother when a kindly hand was laid upon his shoulder, and there stood the Captain with Ruth beside him and a warm handshake of welcome into the church. I'm so glad, he said, that you have taken this step, you will never regret it, Cameron, it is good that we can be of the same company here if we have failed in other ways. Then turning to Ruth, he said, I didn't tell you, did I, Ruth, that I failed in trying to get Cameron transferred to my division? I did everything I could, but they've turned down my application flatly. It seems like stupidity to me, for it was just the place for which he was most fitted. But I guess it's because he was too much of a man to stay in a quiet sector and do such work. If he had been maimed or half-blinded, they might have considered him. They need him in his present place, and I am the poorer for it. There was a glow in Ruth's eyes as she put her hand in Cameron's and said simply, I'm glad you're one of us now. That warmed his heart with a great gladness. I didn't know you were a member, he said wonderingly. Why yes, I've been a member since I was fourteen, she said, and suddenly he felt that he had indeed come into a holy and blessed communion. If he had not yet found God, at least he was standing on the same ground with one of his holy children. That was the last time he got home before he sailed. Shipping quarantine was put on his company the very next week. The camp was closed to visitors, and all passes annulled. The word came that they would be going over in a few days, but still they lingered, till the days grew into three weeks, and the spring was fully upon them in all its beauty, touching even the bear camp with a fringe of greenness and a sprinkle of wild bloom in the corners where the clearing had not been complete. Added to his other disappointments, a direful change had taken place at camp. The peach of a captain had been raised to the rank of major, and captain Wurz had been put in his place. It seemed as if nothing worse could be. The letters had been going back and forth rather often of late, and Cameron had walked to the loneliest spot in the camp in the starlight and had it out with himself. He knew now that Ruth MacDonald was the only girl in all the world to him. He also knew that there was not a chance in a thousand that he could ever be more to her than he now was. He knew that the coming months held pain for him, and yet he would not go back and undo this beautiful friendship. No, not for all the pain that might come. It was worth it, every bit. He had hoped to get one more trip home, and she had wanted to see the camp, had said that perhaps when the weather got warmer she might run down someday with his mother. But now the quarantine was on and that was out of the question. He walked alone to the places he would have liked to show her, and then with a sigh went to the telephone office and waited two hours till he got a connection through to her house, just to tell her how sorry he was that he could not come up as he had expected, and take that ride with her that she had promised in her last letter. Somehow it comforted him to hear her voice. She had asked if there would be no lifting of the quarantine before they left. No opportunity to meet him somewhere and say goodbye. And he had promised that he would let her know if any such chance came, but he had little hope, for company after company were being sent away in the troop trains now, hour after hour, and he might be taken any minute. Then one day he called her up and told her that the next Saturday and Sunday the camp was to be thrown open to visitors, and if she could come down with his mother he would meet them at the hostess house, and they could spend the day together. Ruth promptly accepted the invitation and promised to arrange it all with his mother and take the first train down Saturday morning. After he had hung up the receiver and paid his bill he walked away from the little telephone headquarters in a days of joy. She had promised to come. For one whole day he would have her to himself. She was willing to come with his mother. Then as he passed the officer's headquarters it occurred to him that perhaps she had other interests in coming to camp than just to see him, and he frowned in the darkness and his heart burnt hot within him. What if they should meet Wainwright? How the day would be spoiled. With this trouble on his mind he went quite early in the morning down as near to the little trolley station as he could get. For since the quarantine had been put on no soldiers without a special pass were allowed beyond a certain point which was roped off about the trolley station. Sadly Cameron took his place in the front rank and stood with folded arms to wait. He knew he would have some time to stand before he could look for his guests. But the crowd was always so great at the train times that it was well to get a good place early. So he stood and thought his sad thoughts, almost wishing he had not asked them to come as he realized more and more what unpleasantness might arise in case Wainwright should find out who were his guests. He was sure that the lieutenant was not above sending him away on a foolish errand or getting him into a humiliating situation before his friends. As he stood thus going over the situation and trying to plan how he might spirit his guests away to some pleasant spot where Wainwright would not be likely to penetrate he heard the pompous voice of the lieutenant himself and slipping behind a comrade turned his face away so that he would not be recognized. Yes I've got special leave for three days proclaimed the satisfied voice and Cameron's heart bounded up so joyously that he would have almost been willing then and there to put aside his vow not to salute him and throw his arms about his enemy going away for three days that meant two things first that Wainwright would not have to be thought of in making his plans and second that they were evidently not going to move before Wainwright got back they surely would not have given him leave if the company was to be sent away that day a third exultant thought followed Wainwright was going home presumably to see Ruth and Ruth would not be there perhaps oh perhaps he might be able to persuade her and his mother to stay over Sunday he hardly dared to hope however for Ruth McDonald might think it presumptuous in him to suggest it and again she might wish to go home to meet Wainwright and to where could they sleep if they did stay it was hopeless of course they would have to go back to Baltimore or to Washington for the night and that would be a hard jaunt however Ruth McDonald had thought of such a possibility herself and when she and Mrs. Cameron stepped down from the Philadelphia train at the small country station that had suddenly become an important point because of the great camp that had sprung up within a stone's throw of it she looked around inquiringly at the little cottage homes in sight and said to her companion would it be very dreadful in us to discover if there is some place here where we could stay overnight in case John's company does not go just yet and we find we would be allowed to see him again on Sunday she knew by the sudden lighting of the mother's wistful face that she had read a right the size half stifled that she had heard on the train when the mother had thought she was not noticing oh do you suppose we could stay the voice was full of yearning well we can find out at least anyhow I'm going in here to see whether they would take us in case we could it looks like a nice neat place Ruth pulled open the gate ran up the steps of the pleasant porch shaded with climbing roses and knocked timidly at the open door a broad somewhat frowsy woman appeared and surveyed her coolly with that apprising glance that a native often gives to a stranger took in the elegant simplicity of her quiet expensive gown and hat lingering with a jealous glance on the exquisite handbag she carried then replied apathetically to Ruth's question no we're all full we ain't got any room you might try down to the salvation army hut they got a few rooms down there it's just been built they might take you in it's down the road apiece that green building to the right you can't miss it you'll see the sign Ruth caught her breath thanked her and hastened back to her companion salvation army that was eccentric queer but it would be perfectly respectable or would it would Aunt Rhoda disapprove very much somehow the salvation army was associated in her mind with slums and drunkards but at least they might be able to direct her to a respectable place Mrs. Cameron to looked dubious this having a society girl to chaperone was new business for her she had never thought much about it but somehow she would hardly have associated the salvation army with the mcdonald family in any way she paused and looked doubtfully at the unpretentious little one-story building that stretched away capaciously and unustentatiously from the grassy roadside salvation army arose in bold inviting letters from the roof and ice cold lemonade beckoned from a sign on the neat screen door Ruth was a bit excited I'm going in she declared and stepped within the door Mrs. Cameron following half fearfully the room which they entered was long and clean and pleasant simple white curtains draped the windows many rushed bottomed big rocking chairs were scattered about a long desk or table ran along one side of the room with writing materials a piano stood open with music on its racks and shelves of books and magazines filled the front wall beyond the piano were half a dozen little tables white topped and ready for a hungry guest at the back a counter ran the width of the room with sandwiches and pies under glass covers and a bright coffee urn steaming suggestively at one end behind it through an open door was a view of the kitchen neat handy crude but all quite clean and through this door stepped a sweet-faced woman wiping her hands on her gingham apron and coming toward them with a smile of welcome as if they were expected guests it was also primitive and yet there was something about it that bore the dignity of refinement and puzzled this girl from her sheltered home she was almost embarrassed to make her inquiry but the hearty response put her quiet at her ease as if she had asked a great favor of another lady in a time of stress I'm so sorry but our rooms are all taken the woman wave the slender hand toward the long side of the room and Ruth noticed for the first time that a low partition ran the length of the room at one side with doors mechanically she counted them eight of them neat gray painted doors could these be rooms how interesting she had a wild desire to see inside them rooms they were more like little stalls for the partitions did not reach all the way to the ceiling a vision of her own spacious apartment at home came floating in vague contrast then one of the doors opposite her opened as it's occupant a quiet little elderly woman came out and she had a brief glimpse of the white curtain window the white draped comfortable looking bed a row of calico curtain hooks on the wall and a speck of a wash stand with tin pitcher and basin in the corner all as clean and new as the rest of the place she swiftly decided to stay here if there was any chance another look at the sweet face of the presiding woman who was trying to make them understand how crowded everything was and how many mothers were there with sons who were going that night or the next and who wanted to be near them determined her she was saying there was just a chance in case a certain mother from Boston who had written her did not arrive at five o'clock but we ought not to take a chance said Cameron's mother looking at the eager faced girl with a cautious wistfulness what could we do if night came and we had no place to stay Ruth cast her eyes about couldn't we sit in a couple of those rocking chairs all night she asked eagerly the Salvation Army woman laughed affectionately as if she had found a kindred spirit why dearie I could give you a couple of cuts out here in the dining room if you didn't mind I wouldn't have pillows but I think I could get you some blankets then we'll stay said Ruth triumphantly before Mrs. Cameron could protest and went away feeling that she had a new friend in the why sweet Salvation Army woman in five minutes more they were seated in the trolley on their way into the camp I'm afraid your people would not like you to stay in such a place began Mrs. Cameron dubiously though her eyes shown with a light that belied her words nonsense said Ruth with a bewildering smile it is as clean as a pin and I'm very much excited about staying there it will be an adventure I've never known much about the Salvation Army before except that they are supposed to be very good people there might be some rough characters well I guess they can't hurt us with that good woman around and anyhow you're going to stay till your son goes laughingly declared Ruth well we'll see what John says said his mother with a sigh I can't let you do anything questionable please Mrs. Cameron pleaded Ruth let us forget things like that this trip and just have a happy time the mother smiled sadly wistfully through a mist of tears she could not help thinking how wonderful it would have been if there had been no war and her dear boy could have had this sweet wholesome girl for a friend end of chapter 13 chapter 14 of the search by Grace Livingston Hill this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter 14 the sun was shining gloriously when the two stepped from the trolley at the little camp station and looked bewildered about them at the swarms of uniforms and boyish faces searching for their one they walked through the long lane lined with soldiers held back by the great rope and guarded by military police each crowding eager soldier had an air of expectancy upon him a silence upon him that showed the realization of the parting that was soon to be in many faces deep disappointment was growing as the expected ones did not arrive Ruth's throat was filled with oppression and tears as she looked about and suddenly felt the grip of war and realized that all these thousands were bearing this bitterness of parting perhaps forever death stalking up and down a battlefield waiting to take his pick of them this was the picture that flashed before her shrinking eyes it was almost like a solemn ceremony this walking down the lane of silent waiting soldiers to be claimed by their one it seemed to bring the two young people nearer in heart than they had ever been before when at the end of the line Cameron met them with a salute kissed his mother and then turned to Ruth and took her hand with an earnest grave look of deep pleasure in his eyes he led them up under the big trees in front of the hostess house while all around were hushed voices and teary eyes that first moment of meeting was the saddest and the quietest of the day with everybody except the last parting hour when mute grief sat unchecked upon every face and no one stopped to notice if any man were watching but just lived out his real heart self and showed his mother or his sister or his sweet heart how much he loved and suffered that was a day which all the little painted butterflies of temptation should have been made to witness there were no painted ladies coming through the gates that day this was no time for friendships like that death was calling and deep realities of life stood out and demanded attention the whole thing was unlike anything Ruth had ever witnessed before it was a new world it was as if the old conventions which had here to for hedged her life were dropped like a garment revealing life as it really was and everyone walked unashamed because the great sorrow and need of all had obliterated the little petty rules of life and small passions were laid aside while hearts throbbed in a common cause he waited on them like a prince seeming to anticipate every need and smooth every annoyance he led them away from the throng to the quiet hillside above the camp where spring had set her dainty footprint he spread down his thick army blanket for them to sit upon and they held sweet converse for an hour or two he told them of camp life and what was expected to be when they started over and when they reached the other side his mother was brave and sensible sometimes the tears would brim over at some suggestion of what her boy was soon to bear or do but she wore a smile as courageous and sweet as any saint could wear the boy saw and grew tinder over it a bird came and sang over their heads and the moment was sweet with springing things and quiet with the brooding tenderness of parting that hung over the busy camp Ruth had one awful moment of adjustment when she tried to think how her aunt wrote it would look if she could see her now then she threw the whole thing to the winds and resolved to enjoy the day she saw that while the conventions by which she had been reared were a good thing in general perhaps they certainly were not meant to hamper or hinder the true and natural life of the heart or if they were they were not good things and she entered into the moment with her full sympathy perhaps and wrote it would not understand but the girl she had brought up knew that it was good to be here her aunt was away from home with an invalid friend on a short trip so there had been no one to question Ruth's movements when she decided to run down to Washington with a friend from the Red Cross and incidentally visit the camp a little while he had them over the camp by and by to the trenches and dummies and all the paraphernalia of war preparation then they went back to the hostess house and fell into line to get dinner as Cameron stood looking down at Ruth in the crowded line in the democratic way which was the only way there was it came over them both how strange and wonderful it was that they who had seen each other so little in their lives and who had come from such widely separated social circles should be there together in that beautiful intimacy it came to them both at once and flashed its thought from one pair of eyes to the other and back again Cameron looked deep into her thoughts then for a moment to find out if there was a shadow of mortification or dismay in her face but though she flushed consciously her sweet true eyes gave back only the pleasure she was feeling and her real enjoyment of the day then instantly each of them felt that another crisis had been passed in their friendship another something unseen and beautiful had happened to make this moment most precious one never to be forgotten no matter what happened in the future something they would not have missed for any other experience it was Ruth who announced suddenly late in the afternoon during a silence in which each one was thinking how fast the day was going did you know that we were going to stay over Sunday Cameron's face blazed with joyful light wonderful he said softly do you mean it I've been trying to get courage all day to suggest it only I don't know of any place this side of Washington or Baltimore where you can be comfortable and I hate to think of you hunting around a strange city late at night for accommodations if I could only get out to go with you it isn't necessary said Ruth quickly we have our accommodations all arranged for your mother and I planned it all out before we came but are you sure we can get into camp tomorrow yes I'm almost certain we can get you passes by going up to officers headquarters and applying a fellow in our company told me this morning he had permission for his mother and sister to come in tomorrow and we are not likely to leave before Monday now for this morning our lieutenant went away and I heard him say he had a three days leave they wouldn't have given him that if they expected to send us before he got back at least not unless they recalled him they might do that is that the lieutenant that you called a mess the other day asked Ruth with twinkling eyes yes said Cameron turning a keen startled glance at her and wondering what she would say if she knew it was Wainwright he meant but she answered demurely so he's away is he I'm glad I was hoping he would be why asked Cameron oh I thought he might be in the way she smiled and changed the subject calling attention to the meadowlark who was trilling out his little ecstasy in the tall tree over their head Cameron gave one glance at the bird and then brought his gaze back to the sweet upturned face beside him his soul thrilling with the wonder of it that she should be there with him but you haven't told me where you have arranged to stay is it in Baltimore or Washington I must look up your trains I hope you will be able to stay as late as possible they're not putting people out of camp until eight o'clock tonight lovely said Ruth with the eagerness of a child then we'll stay till the very last trolley we're not going to either Baltimore or Washington we're staying right near the camp entrance in that little town at the station where we landed I don't remember what you call it we got accommodations this morning before we came into camp but where asked Cameron anxiously are you sure it's respectable I'm afraid there isn't any place there that would do at all oh yes there is said Ruth it's the Salvation Army hut they called it it looks more like a barracks and there's the dearest little woman in charge John I'm afraid it isn't the right thing to let her do it put in his mother anxiously I'm afraid her aunt wouldn't like it at all and I'm sure she won't be comfortable I shall love it said Ruth happily and my aunt will never know anything about it as for comfort I'll be as comfortable as you are my dear lady and I'm sure you wouldn't let comfort stand in the way of being with your boy she smiled her sweet little triumph that brought tears to the eyes of the mother and Cameron gave her a blinding look of gratitude and adoration so she carried her way Cameron protested no more but quietly inquired at the hostess house if the place was all right and when he put them on the car at 8 o'clock he gave Ruth's hand a lingering pressure and said in a low tone that only she could hear with a look that carried its meaning to her heart I shall never forget that you did this for my mother and me the two felt almost light-hearted in comparison to their fellow travelers because they had a short reprieve before they would have to say goodbye but Ruth sat looking about her at the sad-eyed girls and women who had just parted from their husbands and sons and sweethearts and who were most of them weeping and felt anew the great burden of the universal sorrow upon her she wondered how God could stand it the old human question that wonders how God can stand the great agonies of life that have come to cure the world of its sin and never wonders how God can stand the sin she felt as if she must somehow find God and plead with him not to do it and again there came that longing to her soul if she only knew God intimately Cameron's question recurred to her thoughts could anyone on this earth know God had anyone ever known him would the Bible say anything about it she resolved to read it through and find out the brief ride brought them suddenly into a new and to Ruth somewhat startling environment as they followed the grassy path from the station to their abiding place two little boys in full military uniform appeared out of the tall grass of the meadows one as a private the other as an officer the small private saluted the officer with precision and marched on turning after a few steps to call back mother said we might sleep in the tent tonight the rooms are all full the older boy gave a whoop of delight and bounded back toward the building with a most an officer like walk and both disappeared inside the door a tiny khaki dog tent was set up in the grass by the back door and in a moment more the two young soldiers emerged from the back door with blankets and disappeared under the brown roof with a zest that showed it was no hardship to them to camp out for the night there were lights in the long pleasant room and people two soldiers with their girls were eating ice cream at the little tables and around the piano a group of officers and their wives was gathered singing ragtime Ruth's quick glance told her they were not the kind she cared for and how could people who were about to part perhaps forever stand there and sing such a bominable nonsense yet perhaps it was their way of being brave to the last but she wished they would go the sweet faced woman of the morning was busy behind the counter and presently she saw them and came forward I'm sorry I hoped there would be a room but that woman from Boston came I can only give you cuts out here if you don't mind Mrs. Cameron looked around in a half frightened manner but Ruth smiled airily and said that would be all right they settled down in the corner between the writing table and the bookcase and began to read for it was obvious that they could not retire at present the little boys came running through and the officers corralled them and clamored for them to sing without any coaxing they stood up together and sang their voices were sweet as birds as they piped out the words of a popular song one singing alto the little one taking the high soprano Ruth put down her book and listened wondering at the lovely expressions on the two small faces they made her think of the baby serifs in Michelangelo's pictures presently they burst into a religious song with as much gusto as they had sung the ragtime they were utterly without self-consciousness and sang with the fervor of a preacher yet they were regular boys for presently when they were released they went to turning hand springs and had a rough and tumble scuffle in the corner till their mother called them to order in a few minutes more the noisy officers and their wives parted the men striding off into the night with a last word about the possibility of unexpected orders coming and a promise to wink a flashlight out of the car window as the troop train went by in case they went out that night the wives went into one of the little stall rooms and compared notes about their own feelings and the probability of the nth division leaving before Monday then the head of the house appeared with a Bible under his arm humming a hymn he gave a keen pleasant glance at the two strangers in the corner and gave a cheery word to his wife in answer to her question yes we had a great meeting tonight a hundred and twenty men raised their hands as wanting to decide for Christ and two boys came forward to be prayed for it was a blessed time I wish the boys had been over there to sing the meeting was in the big YMCA auditorium has captain Holly gone yet not yet his wife's voice was lowered she motioned toward one of the eight gray doors and her husband nodded sadly he goes at midnight you know poor little woman just then the door opened and a young soldier came out followed by his wife looking little and pathetic with great dark hollows under her eyes and a forced smile on her trembling lips the soldier came over and took the hand of the salvation army woman well I'm going out tonight mother I want to thank you for all you've done for my little girl looking toward his wife and I won't forget all the good things you've done for me and the sermons you've preached and when I get over there I'm going to try to live right and keep all my promises I want you to pray for me that I may be true I shall never cease to thank the Lord that I knew you to the salvationist shook hands earnestly with him and promised to pray for him and then he turned to the children goodbye dicky I shan't forget the songs you've sung I'll hear them sometimes when I get over there in battle and they'll help to keep me true but dicky not content with a handshake swarmed up the leg and back of his tall friend as if he had been a tree and whispered in a loud confidential child whisper I'm going to pray for you too captain holly god bless you the grown-up phrases on the childish lips amused Ruth she watched the little boy as he lifted his beautiful serious face to the responsive look of the stranger and marveled here was no parent like repetition of word she had heard oft repeated by his elders the boy was talking a native tongue and speaking of things that were real to him there was no assumption of godliness nor conceit no holier than thou smirk about the child it was all sincere as a boy would promise to speak to his own father about a friend's need it touched Ruth and tears sprang to her eyes all the doubts she had had about the respectability of the place had vanished long ago there might be all kinds of people coming and going but there was a holy influence here which made it a refuge for anyone she felt quite safe about sleeping in the great barn like room so open it was as if they had happened on some saints abode and been made welcome in their extremity presently one by one the inmates of the room came in and retired then the cuts were brought out and set up little simple affairs of canvas and steel rods put together in a twinkling and very inviting to the two weary women after the long day the cheery proprietor called out mrs. Brown have it you an extra blanket in your room and a pleasant voice responded promptly yes do you want it throw it over then please a couple of ladies hadn't any place to go anybody else got one a great gray blanket came flying over the top of the partition and down the line another voice called I have one I don't need and a white blanket with pink stripes followed both caught by the salvationist and spread upon the little cuts then the lights were turned out one by one and there in the shelter of the tall piano curtained by the darkness the two lay down Ruth was so interested in it all and so filled with the humor and the strangeness of her situation that's tired as she was she could not sleep for a long time the house settled slowly to quiet the proprietor and his wife talked comfortably about the duties of the next day called some directions to the two boys in the puppy tent sooth their mosquito bites with a lotion and got them another blanket the woman who helped in the kitchen complained about not having enough supplies for mourning and that contingency was arranged for all in a patient earnest way and in the same tone in which they talked about the meetings they discussed their own boy evidently the brother of the small boys who had apparently just sailed for France as a soldier a few days before and whom the wife had gone to New York to see off and they commended him to their Christ in little low sentences of reassurance to each other Ruth could not help but hear much that was said for the rooms were all open to sounds and these good people apparently had nothing to hide they spoke as if all their household were one great family equally interested in one another equally suffering and patient in the necessities of this awful war in another tiny room the ymca man who had been the last to come in talked in low tones with his wife telling her in tender loving tones what to do about a number of things after he was gone in a room quite near there were soft sounds as of suppressed weeping something made Ruth sure it was the mother who had been spoken of earlier in the evening as having come all the way from Texas and arrived too late to bid her boy goodbye now and again the sound of a troop train stirred her heart to untold depths there is something so weird and sorrowful about its going as if the very engine sympathized screaming at sorrow through the night Ruth felt she would never forget that sound out there in the dark Cameron might be even then slipping past them out into the great future she wished she could dare ask that sweet-faced woman or that dear little boy to pray for him maybe she would next day the two officers wives seem to sit up in bed and watch the train they had discovered a flashlight and were counting the signals and quite excited Ruth's heart ached for them it was a peculiarity of this trip that she found her heart going out to others so much more than it had ever gone before she was not thinking of her own pain although she knew it was there but of the pain of the world her body lying on the strange hard-caught ached with weariness in unaccustomed places yet she stretched and nestled upon the tan canvas with satisfaction she was sharing to a certain extent the hardships of the soldiers the hardship of one soldier whose privations hurt her deeply it was good to have to suffer with him where was God did he care was he in this queer little hostel might she ask him now to set a guard over Cameron and let him find the help he needed where with to go to meet death if death he must meet she laid her hands together as a little child might do and with wide open eyes staring into the dark of the high ceiling she whispered from her heart oh God help us to find you and unconsciously she too set her soul on the search that night as she closed her eyes a great peace and sense of safety came over her outside on the road a company of late soldiers coming from leave noised by some of them were drunk and wrangling or singing and a sense of their pitiful need of God came over her as she sank into a deep sleep end of chapter 14 chapter 15 of the search by Grace Livingston Hill this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter 15 she was awakened by the rattling of the pots and pans in the tiny kitchen she sat up startled and looked about her it was very early the first sunlight was streaming readily through the window screens and the freshness of the morning was everywhere for all the windows were wide open the stillness of the country broken only by the joyous chorus of the birds struck her as a wonderful thing she laid down again and closed her eyes to listen music with the scent of clover the cheery little home noises in the kitchen seemed a pleasant background for the peace of the Sabbath morning it was so new and strange then came the thought of camp and the anticipation of the day with a sharp pang at the memory that perhaps even now Cameron was gone orders were so uncertain in the army a man must be ready to move at a moment's notice what if while she slept he had passed by on one of those terrible troop trains she sat up again and began to put her hair into order and make herself presentable he had promised that if such a thing as a sudden move should occur he would throw out an old envelope with his name written on it as they passed by the hut and she meant to go out to that railroad track and make a thorough search before the general public were up Mrs. Cameron was still sleeping soundly one work worn hand partly shading her face Ruth knew instinctively that she must have been weeping in the night in the early morning dawn she drooped on the hard little cot in a crumpled heap and the girl's heart ached for her sorrow Ruth stolen to the kitchen to ask for water to wash her face I'm sorry said the pleasant faced woman who was making coffee and frying bacon but the wash basins are all gone we've had so many folks come in but you can have this pale I just got this water for myself and I'll let you have it and I'll get some more you see the water pipes aren't put in the building yet and we have to go down the road quite a piece to get any this is all there was left last night she handed Ruth a two gallon galvanized tin bucket containing a couple inches of water obviously clean and added a brief towel to the toilet arrangements Ruth beat a hasty retreat back to the shelter of the piano with her collection fearing lest Merth would get the better of her she could not help thinking how her aunt would look if she could see her washing her face in this pittance of water in the bottom of a great big bucket but Ruth McDonald was adaptable in spite of her upbringing she managed to make a most pleasing toilet in spite of the paucity of water and then went back to the kitchen with the bucket if you show me where you get the water I'll go for some more she offered anxious for an excuse to get out and explore the track the woman in the kitchen was not abashed at the offer she accepted the suggestion as a matter of course taking for granted the same helpful spirit that seemed to pervade all the people around the place it did not seem to strike her as anything strange that this young woman should be willing to go for water she was not giving attention to details like clothes and handbags and neither wealth nor social station belonged to her scheme of life so she smilingly gave the directions to the pump and went on breaking nice brown eggs into a big yellow bowl Ruth wished she could stay and watch it looked so interesting she took the pail and slipped out the back door but before she went in search of water she hurried down to the railroad track and scanned it for several rods either way carefully examining each bit of paper her breath held in suspense as she turned over an envelope or scrap of paper lest it might bear his name at last with a glad look backward to be sure she had missed nothing she hurried up the bank and took her way down the grassy path toward the pump satisfied that Cameron had not yet left the camp it was a lovely summer morning and the quietness of the country struck her as never before the wild roses shimmered along the roadside in the early sun and bees and butterflies were busy about their own affairs it seemed such a lovely world if it had only not been for war how could God bear it she lifted her eyes to the deep blue of the sky where little clouds floated lazily like lovely aviators out for pleasure was God up there if she might only find him what did it all mean anyway did he really care for individuals it was all such a new experience the village pump and the few early stragglers watching her curiously from the station platform a couple of grave soldiers hurried by and the pang of what was to come shot through her heart the thought of the day was full of mingled joy and sorrow they ate a simple little breakfast good coffee toast and fried eggs Ruth wondered why it tasted so good amid such primitive surroundings yet everything was so clean and tidy though coarse and plain when they went to pay their bill the proprietor said their beds would be only 25 cents apiece because they had had no pillow if they had had a pillow he would have had to charge them 50 cents the food was fabulously cheap they looked around and wondered how it could be done it was obvious that no tips would be received and that money was no consideration in fact the man told them his orders were merely to pay expenses he gave them a parting word of good cheer and promised to try to make them more comfortable if they wanted to return that night and so they started out for camp Ruth was silent and thoughtful she was wishing she had had the boldness to ask this quaint Christian man some of the questions that troubled her he looked as if he knew God and she felt as if he might be able to make some things plain to her but her life had been so hedged about by conventionalities that it seemed an impossible thing to her to open her lips on the subject to any living being unless it might be to John Cameron it was queer how they too had grown together in the last few months why could they not have known one another before then there came a vision of what her aunt might have thought and possible objections that might have come up if they had been intimate friends earlier in fact that too seemed practically to have been an impossibility how had the war torn away the veil from foolish laws of social rank and station never again could she submit to much of the system that had been the foundation of her life so far somehow she must find a way to tear her spirit free from things that were not real the thought of the social activities that would face her at home under the guise of patriotism turned her soul sick with loathing when she went back home after he was gone she would find a way to do something real in the world that would make for righteousness and peace somehow knitting and dancing with lonesome soldiers did not satisfy her that was a wonderful day and they made the most of every hour realizing that it would probably be the last day they had together for many a long month or year in the morning they stepped into the great auditorium and attended the YMCA service for an hour but their hearts were so full and they all felt so keenly that this day was to be the real farewell and they could not spare a moment of it that presently they slipped away to the quiet of the woods once more for it was hard to listen to the music and keep the tears back Mrs. Cameron especially found it impossible to keep her composure Sunday afternoon she went into the hostess house to lie down in the restroom for a few minutes and sent the two young people off for a walk by themselves Cameron took Ruth to the log in the woods and showed her his little testament and the covenant he had signed then they opened their hearts together about the eternal things of life Shiley at first and then with the assurance that sympathy brings Cameron told her that he was trying to find God and Ruth told him about their experiences the night before she also Shiley promised that she would pray for him although she had seldom until lately done very much real praying for herself it was a beautiful hour wherein they traveled miles in their friendship an hour in which their souls came close while they sat on the log under the tree with long silences in the intervals of their talk it was whispered at the barracks that evening at five when Cameron went back for retreat that this was the last night they would move in the morning surely perhaps before he hurried back to the hostess house where he had left his guests to order the supper for all feeling that he must make the most of every minute passing the officers headquarters he heard the raucous laugh of Wainwright and caught a glimpse of his fat head and neck through a window his heart sank Wainwright was back then he had been sent for and they must be going that night he fled to the hostess house and was silent and distraught as he ate his supper suppose Wainwright should come in while they were there and see Ruth and spoil those last few minutes together the thought was unbearable nobody wanted much supper and they wandered outside in the soft evening air there was a hushed sorrow over everything even the roughest soldiers were not ashamed of tears little faded mothers clung to the big burly sons and their son smoothed their gray hair awkwardly and were not ashamed a pair of lovers sat at the foot of a tree hand in hand and no one looked at them except in sympathy there were partings everywhere a few wives with little children in their arms were writing down hurried directions and receiving a bit of money but most desolate of all was the row of lads lined up near the station whose friends were gone or had not come at all and who had to stand and endure the woe of others couldn't we walk out of camp? asked Ruth suddenly must we go on that awful trolly last night everybody was weeping I wanted to weep too it is only a few steps from the end of camp to our quarters or is it too far for you Mrs. Cameron? nothing is too far tonight so I may be with my boy one hour longer then we must start at once said Cameron there is barely time to reach the outskirts before the hour when all visitors must be out of camp it is over three miles mother I can walk it if Ruth can said the mother smiling bravely he drew an arm of each within his own and started off glad to be out of Wainwright's neighborhood glad or still to have a little longer with those he loved out through the deserted streets they passed where empty barracks were being prepared for the next draftman past the tank headquarters and the colored barracks the storehouses and more barracks just emptied that afternoon into troop trains out beyond the Great Laundry and on up the Cinder Road to the top of the hill and the end of the way there at last inside of the military police pacing back and forth at the entrance to camp with the twinkling lights of the village beyond and the long wooded road winding back to camp they paused to say goodbye the Cinder path and the woods at its edge made a blot of greenish black against a brilliant stormy sky the sun was setting like a ball of fire behind the trees and some strange freak of its rays formed a golden cross resting back against the clouds its base buried among the woods its crossbar rising brilliant against the black of a thunder cloud look said Ruth it is an omen they looked and a great wonder and awe came upon them the cross Cameron looked back and then down at her and smiled it will lead you safely home she said softly and laid her hand in his he held her fingers close for an instant and his eyes dared some of the things his lips would never have spoken now even if they too had been alone the military police stepped up you don't have to stay out here to say goodbye you can come into the station right here and sit down or if your friends are going to the village you may go with them comrade I can trust you to come back right away I thank you Cameron said that is the kindest thing that has happened to me at this camp I wish I could avail myself of it but I have barely time to get back to the barracks within the hour given me perhaps and he glanced anxiously across the road toward the village could you just keep an eye out that my ladies reach the salvation army hut all right sure said the big soldier hardly I'll go myself I'm just going off duty and I'll see them safe to the door he stepped a little away and gave an order to his men and so they said goodbye and watched Cameron go down the road into the sunset with the golden cross blazing above him as he walked lower and lower down the hill into the shadow of the dark woods and the thunder cloud but brightly the cross shown above him as long as they could see and just before he stepped into the darkness where the road turned he paused waved his hat and so passed on out of their sight end of chapter 15 chapter 16 of the search by grace Livingston hill this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters chapter 16 the first night on the water was one of unspeakable horror to Cameron they had scarcely begun to feel the role of the waves before captain words manifested his true nature at six o'clock and broad daylight he ordered the men below and had them locked in and all the portholes closed the place was packed the heat was unbearable the motion increasing all the time and the air soon became intolerable in vain the men protested and begged for air their requests were all denied the captain trusted no man he treated them as if they were hounds Wainwright stood by the captain's side smoking the inevitable cigarette his eyes narrowly watching Cameron when the order was given but no onlooker could have told from Cameron's well-trained face whether he had heard or not well he knew where those orders had originated and instantly he saw a series of like dormants Wainwright had things in his own hands for this voyage words was his devoted slave for Wainwright had money and used it freely with his captain and Wainwright well knew how to think up tortures it was really the only thing in which he was clever and here again was an instance of practice making perfect for Wainright had done little else since his kindergarten days then to think up trials for those who would not bow to his peevish will he seemed to be gifted in finding out exactly what would be the finest kind of torture for any given soul who happened to be his victim he had the mind of Nero and the spirit of a mean little beast the wonder the great miracle was that he had not in some way discovered that Ruth had been visiting the camp and taken his revenge before thought that came to Cameron when he found himself shut into the murky atmosphere the next thought was that perhaps he had discovered it and this was the result he felt himself the Jonah for the company and as the dreadful hours went by would Fane have cast himself into the sea if there had been a possible way of escape it was not an American transport on which they were sailing and the captain was not responsible for the food but he might have refused to allow such meals if he had cared he did not care that was the whole trouble he ate and drank principally drank and did whatever Wainwright suggested when a protest came up to him he turned it down with a laugh and said oh that's good enough for a buck private and went on with his dirty jokes the supper that first night was abominable some unpleasant kind of meat cooked with cabbage and though they tried to eat it many of them could not keep it down the ship rolled and the men grew sick the atmosphere became feted each moment seemed more impossible than the last there was no room to move neither could one get out and away after supper the men lay down in the only place there was to lie two men on the tables two men on the benches each side two men on the floor between and so on all over the cabin packed like eggs in a box they sent a message to their captain begging for air but he only left and sent word back that they would have air enough before they got through with this war the night war on and Cameron lay on his scant piece of floor he had given his bench to a sicker man than himself and tried to sleep but sleep did not visit his eyelids he was thinking thinking I'm going to find God I'm going to search for him with all my heart and somehow I'm going to find him before I'm done I may never come home anything that makes life bearable then would come a wave of hate for his enemy and wipe out all other thoughts and he would wrestle in his heart with the desire to kill Wainwright yes and the captain too as some poor wretch near him would ride and grown in agony his rage would boil up a new his fists would clench and he would half rise to go to the door and overpower that guard if only he could get up to where the officers were enjoying themselves oh to bring them down here and bind them in this loathsome atmosphere feed them with this food stifle them in the dark with closed portholes his brain was fertile with thoughts of revenge then suddenly across his memory would flash the words if with all your heart you seek him and he would reach out in longing oh if he could find God surely God would stop a thing like this that God have no power in his own earth slowly painfully the days dragged by each worse than the last in the mornings the men must go on deck whether they were sick or not and must stay there all day no matter what the weather if they were wet they must dry out by the heat of their bodies there was no possibility of getting at their kit bags it was so crowded no man was allowed to open one all they had was the little they carried in their packs how they lived through it was a wonder but live they did perhaps the worst torture of all was the great round cork life preserver in the form of a cushioned ring which they were obliged to wear night and day a man could never lie down comfortably with it on and if from sheer exhaustion he fell asleep he awoke with his back aching tortures the meat and cabbage was varied twice by steamed fish served in its scales tails fins heads and entrails complete all that they got which was really eatable was a small bun served in the morning and boiled potatoes occasionally nevertheless these hardships would have been as nothing to Cameron if they had not represented to him hate pure and simple he felt and perhaps justly that if Wainwright had not wish to make him suffer these things would surely have been mitigated the day came at last when they stood on the deck and watched the strange foreign shore draw nearer Cameron stern and silent stood apart from the rest for the moment his anger toward Wainwright was forgotten though he could hear the swaggering tones from the deck above and the noisome laughter of words in response Cameron was looking into the face of the future wondering what it would mean for him out there was the strange country what did it hold for him was God there how he wanted God to go with him and help him face the future there was much delay in landing and getting ready to move the men were weak from sickness and long fasting they tottered as they stood but they had to stand unless they dropped they turned when faces toward one another and tried to smile their fine American pep was gone hopelessly yet they grinned feebly now and then and got off a week little joke or two for the most part they glared when the officers came by especially to those to those unbearable nights hardship they could bear and pain and sickness but tyranny never someone had written a letter it was not the first there had been others on ship board protesting against their treatment but this letter was a warning to that captain and lieutenant if they ever led these men into battle they would be killed before the battle began it was signed by the company it had been a unanimous vote they stood staring leadenly at the strange sights around them listening to the new jargon of the shore noting the quaint head dresses and wooden sabbots of the people with a fine scorn of indifference they thought of that letter in hard phrases of rage and bitterest of all were the thoughts of John Cameron as he stood in his place awaiting orders they were hungry these men and unfit when at last the order came to march and they had to hike it straight up up a hill with a great pack on their backs it was not that they minded the packs or the hike or the hunger it was the injustice of their treatment that weighed upon them like a burden that human nature could not bear they had come to lift such a burden from the backs of another nation and they had been treated like dogs all the way over like the low rumbling of oncoming thunder was the blackness of their countenances as they marched up up and up into breast the sun and their knees wobbled under them from sheer weakness strongman when they started who were fine and fit now faint like babies yet with spirits unbroken and great vengeance in their hearts they would fight oh they would fight yes but they would see that captain out of the way first here and there by the way some fell the wonder is they all did not and had to be picked up by the ambulances and at last they had to be ordered to stop and rest they who had come over here to flaunt their young strength in the face of the enemy they to fall before the fight was begun this too they laid up against their tyrant but there was welcome for them nevertheless flowers and wreaths and bands of music met them as they went through the town and women and little children flung them kisses and through blossoms in their way this revived somewhat the drooping spirits with which they had gone forth and when they reached the camp and got a decent meal they felt better and more reasonable still the bitterness was there against those two who had used their power unworthily that night lying on a hard little cotton camp Cameron tried to pray his heart full of longing for God yet found the heavens as brass and could not find words to cry out except in bitterness somehow he did not feel he was getting on at all in his surge and from sheer weariness and discouragement he fell asleep at last three days and nights of rest they had and then were packed into tiny freight cars with a space so small that they had to take turns sitting down men had to sleep sitting or standing or wherever they could find space to lie down so they started across France three days and awful nights they went weary and sore and bitter still but they had air and they were better fed now and then they could stand up and look out through a crack once in a while a fellow could get a space to stretch out for a few minutes Cameron awoke once and found feet all over him peed even in his face yet these things were what he had expected he did not whine he was toughened for such experiences so were the men about him the hardness merely brought out their courage they were getting their spirits back now as they neared the real scene of action creeping back into their blood now and then a song would pipe out or a much abused banjo or mandolin would twang and bring forth their voices it was only when an officer walked by or mention would be made of the captain or lieutenant that their looks grew black again and they fell silent injustice and tyranny the things they had come to fight and they would not forgive or forget their spirits were reviving but their hate was there at last they detrained and marched into a little town this was France Cameron looked about him in dismay a scramble of houses and barns sort of two in one affairs where was the beauty of France about which he had read so often mud was everywhere the streets were deep with it the ground was sodden rain soaked it was raining even then sunny France it was in a barnyard deep in manure where Cameron's tent was set up little brown tents set close together their flies dovetailing so that more could be put in a given space dog weary he strode over the stakes that held them and looked upon the place where he was to sleep its floor was almost a foot deep in water rank ill-smelling water Pa was this intention that he should have been billeted here some of the men had dry places of course it might have just happened but well what was the use here he must sleep for he could not stand up any longer or he would fall over so he heaped up a pillow of the muck spread his blanket out and lay down at least his head would be high enough out of the water so that he would not drown in his sleep and with his feet in water and the cold ooze creeping slowly through his heavy garments he dropped immediately into oblivion there were no prayers that night his heart was full of hate the barnyard was in front of an old stone farmhouse and in that farmhouse were billeted the captain and his favorite first lieutenant Cameron could hear his rock his lap and the clinking of the wine glasses almost the gurgle of the wine the thought of wainwright was his last conscious one before he slept was it of intention that he should have been put here close by where wainwright could watch his every move as the days went by and real training began with French officers working them hard until they were ready to drop at night gradually Cameron grew solid it seemed sometimes as if he had always been here splashing along in the mud soaked with rain sleeping in muck at night never quite dry never free from cold and discomfort never quite clean always training the boom of the battle afar but never getting there where was the front why didn't they get there and fight and get done with it all the rain poured down day after day by more men marched in more marched on still they trained it seemed eons since he had Bade Ruth and his mother goodbye that night at the camp no male had come Oh if he could just hear a word from home if he only had her picture they had taken some together at camp and she had promised to have them developed and send them but they would probably never reach him and it were better if they did not wainright was sensor if he recognized the writing nothing would ever reach him he was sure still wainright had nothing to do with the incoming mail only the outgoing well wainright should never censor his letters he would find a way to get letters out that wainright had never censored or he would never send any but the days dragged by in rain and mud and discouragement and no letters came once or twice he attempted to wire a respectable letter to his mother but he felt so hampered with the thought of wainright having to see it that he kept it securely in his pocket and contented himself with gay pictured postcards which he had purchased and breast on which he inscribed a few non-committal sentences always reminding them of the sensor and his inability to say what he would and always ending remember me to my friend and tell her I have forgotten nothing but cannot write at present for reasons which I cannot explain at night he lay on his watery couch and composed long letters to Ruth which he dared not to put on paper lest somehow they should come into the hands of wainright he took great satisfaction in the fact that he had succeeded in slipping through a postcard addressed to herself from breast through the kindness and understanding of a small boy who agreed to mail it in exchange for a package of chewing gum here at the camp there was no such opportunity but he would wait and watch for another chance meantime the long separation of miles and the creeping days gave him a feeling of desolation such as he had never experienced before he began to grow introspective he fancied that perhaps he had overestimated Ruth's friendship for him the dear memories he had cherished during the voyage were brought out in the night watches and ruthlessly reviewed until his own shy hope that the light in her eyes had been for him began to fade and in its place there grew a conviction that happiness of earth was never for him for he reasoned if she cared why did she not write at least a postcard other fellows were getting letters now and then day after day he waited when the mail was distributed but nothing ever came his mother seemed to have forgotten to surely all these weeks some word would have come through it was not in reason that his mail should be delayed beyond others could it be that there was false play somehow was Wainwright at the bottom of this or had something happened to his mother and had Ruth forgotten End of Chapter 16 Chapter 17 of The Search by Grace Livingston Hill This LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by like many waters Chapter 17 The weeks rolled by the drilling went on at last word came that the company was to move farther toward the front they prepared for a long hike almost eagerly not knowing yet what was before them anything was better than this intolerable waiting solemnly under a lead in sky they gathered sullenly they went through their inspection solidly dolly they marched away through the rain and mud and desolation the nights were cold and their clothes seemed thin and inadequate they had not been paid since they came over so there was no chance to buy any little comfort even if it had been for sale a longing for sweets and home puddings and pies haunted their waking hours as they trudged wearily hour after hour kilometer after kilometer coming ever nearer nearer for two days they hiked and then entrained for a long uncomfortable night and all the time Cameron soul was crying out within him for the living God in these days he read much in the little testament whenever there was a rest by the wayside and he could draw apart from the others ever his soul grew hungrier as he neared the front and knew his time now was short there were days when he had the feeling that he must stop tramping and do something about this great matter that hung over him and then Wainwright would pass by and cast a sharp direction and all the fury of his being would rise up until he would clinch his fists and helpless wrath as Wainwright swaggered on to think how easily he could drag him in the dust if it only came to a fair fight between them but Wainwright had all the advantage now with such a captain on his side that night right was a terrible experience Cameron with his thoughts surging and pounding through his brain was in no condition to come out of hardships fresh and fit he was overcome with weariness when he climbed into the boxcar with 39 other fellows just as weary just as discouraged just as homesick there was only room for about 20 to travel comfortably in that car but they cheerfully huddled together and took their turns sitting down and somewhere along in the night it came Cameron's turn to slide down on the floor and stretch out for a while or perhaps his utter weariness made him drop there involuntarily because he could no longer keep awake for a few minutes the delicious ache of lying flat enveloped him and carried him away into unconsciousness with a lulling ecstasy then suddenly Wainwright seemed to loom over him and demand that he rise and let him lie down in his place it seemed to Cameron that the lethargy that had stolen over him as he fell asleep was like heavy bags of sand tied to his hands and feet he could not rise if he would he thought he tried to tell Wainwright that he was unfair he was an officer and had better accommodations what need had he to come back here and steal a weary private sleep but his lips refused to open and his throat gave up no sound Wainwright seemed gradually stooping nearer nearer with a large soft hand about his throat and his little pig eyes gleaming like two points of green light his selfish mouth all burst up as it used to be when the fellow stole his all-day sucker and held it tantalizingly above his reach one of his large cushiony knees was upon Cameron's chest now and the breath was going from him he gasped and tried to shout to the other fellows that this was the time to do away with this tyrant this captain's pet but still only a croak would come from his lips with one mighty effort he wrenched his hands and feet into action and lunged up at the mighty bully above him struggling clutching wildly for his throat but with one thought in his dreaming brain to kill to kill sound came to his throat at last action to his sleeping body and struggling himself loose from the two comrades who had fallen asleep upon him and almost succeeded in smothering him he gave a horse yell and got to his feet they cursed and laughed at him and snuggled down good naturally to their broken slumbers again but Cameron stood in his corner glaring out the tiny crack into the dark starless night that was whirling by startled into thoughtfulness the dream had been so vivid that he could not easily get rid of it his heart was boiling hot with rage at his old enemy yet something stronger was there to a great horror at himself he had been about to kill a fellow creature to what pass had he come and somewhere out in that black wet night a sweet white face gleamed with brown hair blown about it and the midst of the storm in its locks it was as if her spirit had followed him and been present in that dream to shame him supposing the dream had been true and he had actually killed Wainwright for he knew by the wild beating of his heart by the hotness of his wrath as he came awake that nothing would have stayed his hand if he had been placed in such a situation it was like a dream to hover over a poor worn tempest tossed soul in that way and make itself verity demand that he should live it out again and again and face he had to see Ruth's sad stern face the sorrowful eyes full of tears the reproach the disappointment the alien lifting of her chin he knew her so well could so easily conjecture what her whole attitude would be he thought and then he must needs go on to think out once more just what relation there might be between his enemy and the girl he loved think it out more carefully than he had ever let himself do before all he knew about the two how their home grounds adjoined how their social set and standing and wealth was the same how they had often been seen together how Wainwright had boasted all night he stood and thought it out glowering between the cracks of the car at the passing world differentiating through the blackness now and then a group of trees or buildings or a quick flash a furtive light but mainly darkness and monotony it was as if he were tied to the tale of a comet that dashed tellwords for a billion years so long the night extended till the dull gray dawn there was no God anywhere in that dark night he had forgotten about him entirely he was perhaps strongly conscious of the devil at his right hand they detrained and hiked across a bit of wet country that was all alike all mud in the dull light that grew only to accentuate the ugliness and dreariness of everything sunny France and this was sunny France at last they halted along a muddy roadside and lined up for what seemed an interminable age waiting for something no one knew what nor cared they were beyond caring most of them poor boys if their mothers had appeared with a bowl of bread and milk and called them to bed they would have wept in her arms with joy they stood apathetically and waited knowing that some time after another interminable age had passed the red tape necessary each body like themselves would be unwound and everything go on again to another dreary halt somewhere would it ever be over the long long trail Cameron stood with the rest in a days of discouragement not taking the trouble to think anymore his head was hot and his chest felt heavy reminding him of Wainwright's fat knee and he had an ugly cough suddenly someone a comrade touched him on the shoulder come on in here cammy you're all in this is the salvation army hut Cameron turned salvation army it sounded like the bells of heaven ah it was something he could think back to that little salvation army hut at camp it brought the tears into his throat in a great lump he lurched after his friend and dropped into the chair where he was pushed sliding his arms out on the table before him and dropping his head quickly to hide his emotion he couldn't think what was the matter with him he seemed to be all giving away he's all in he heard the voice of his friend I thought maybe you could do something for him he's a good old sport then a gentle hand touched his shoulder lightly like his mother's hand it thrilled him and he lifted his blear dyes and looked into the face of a kindly gray-haired woman she was not a handsome woman though none of the boys would ever let her be called homely for they claimed her smile was so glorious that it gave her precedence in beauty to the greatest bell on earth there was a real mother love light in her eyes now when she looked at Cameron and she held a cup of steaming hot coffee in her hand real coffee with sugar and cream and a rich aroma that gave life to his sinking soul here son drink this she said holding the cup to his lips he opened his lips eagerly and then remembered and drew back no he said drawing away I forgot I haven't any money where all dead broke he tried to pull himself together and look like a man but the coffee cup came close to his lips again and the rough motherly hand stole about his shoulders to support him that's alright she said in a low matter of fact tone you don't need money here son you've got home and I'm your mother tonight just drink this and then come in there behind those boxes and lie down on my bed and get a wink of sleep you'll be yourself again in a little while that's it's son you've hiked a long way now forget it and take so she soothed him till he surely must be dreaming again and wondered which was real or if perhaps he had a fever and hallucinations he reached deferred of hand and felt of the pine table and the chair on which he sat to make sure he was awake and then he looked into her kind gray eyes and smiled she led him into the little improvised room behind the counter and tucked him up on her cot with a big warm blanket that's like it I'll look after you and your friend will let you know if there is any call for you you just dressed he thanked her with his eyes too weary to speak a word and so he dropped into a blessed sleep when he awakened slowly to consciousness again there was a smell in the air of more coffee delicious coffee he wondered if it was the same cup and this only another brief phase of his own peculiar state closed his eyes and opened them again but no it was night and there were candles lit beyond the barricade of boxes he could see them flicker through the cracks and shadows were falling here and there grotesquely on the bit of canvas that formed another wall there was some other odor on the air too he sniffed delightedly like a little child something sweet and alluring reminding one of the days when mother took the gingerbread and pies out of the the oven no doughnuts not doughnuts just behind the trenches how could that be he stirred and raised up on one elbow to look about him there were two other cots in the room arranged neatly with folded blankets a box in between held a few simple toilet articles a tin basin and a bucket of water he eyed them greedily when had he had a good wash what luxury he dropped back on the cot and all at once became aware that there were strange sounds in the air above the building in which he lay strange and deep yet regular and with a certain booming monotony as if they had been going on a long time and he had been too preoccupied to take notice of them a queer frenzy seized his heart this then was the sound of battle in the distance he was here at the front at last and that was the sound of enemy shells how strange it seemed how it gripped the soul with the audacity of it all how terrible and yet how exciting to be here at last and yet he had an unready feeling something was still undone to prepare him for this ordeal it was his subconscious self that was crying out for God his material self had since the donuts that were frying so near to him and he looked up eagerly to welcome whoever was coming tiptoeing in to see if he was awake with a nice hot plate of them for him to eat he swung to a sitting posture that accompanied them with eagerness like a little child whose mother had promised them if he would be good strange how easy and natural it was to fall into the ways of this gracious household would one call it that it seemed so like a home while he was eating his buddy slipped in smiling excitedly great news Kami we've got a new captain and oh boy he's a peach he sat on our Louis first off you ought to have seen poor old Wayne rights face boy you to croaked it was rich Cameron finished the last precious bite of his third hot doughnut with a gulp of joy what's become of words he asked anxiously can I guess as I did the private I did hear they took him to a sanitarium nervous breakdown they said I'll tell the world he'd had have one for fair if he'd stayed with this outfit much longer I only wish they'd have taken his little pet along with him this is no place for little and he'll find it out now he's got a real captain good night how do you suppose he ever got his commission anyway well how are you old top feeling better I knew they'd fix you up here their regular guys well I guess we better hit the hay come on I'll show you where your bill it is I looked out for a place with a good water tight roof what do you think of the orchestra Jerry is playing out there on the front some noise a what say this little old hut is some good place for that's how I knew during the days that followed Cameron spent most of his leisure time in the salvation army hut he did not hover about the Victrola as he would probably have done several months before nor yet often join his voice in the ragtime song that was almost continuous at the piano regardless of nearby shells and usually accompanied by another tune on the Victrola he did not hover around the cooks and seek to make himself at the seat of supplies and handy when he was hungry as did many he sat at one of the far tables often writing letters or reading his little book or more often looking off into space seeing those last days at camp and the faces of his mother and Ruth there was more than one reason why he spent much of his time here the hut was not frequented much by officers although they did come sometimes to be about and it was always a relief to feel free from the presence of his enemy but gradually a third reason came to play a prominent part in bringing him here and that was the atmosphere he somehow felt as if he were among real people who were living life earnestly as if the present were not all there was there came a day when they were to move on up to the actual front Cameron wrote letters such as he had not found out that these women could get them to his people in case anything should happen to him and so he left a little letter for Ruth and one for his mother and asked the woman with the gray eyes to get them back home somehow there was not much of moment in the letters even thus he dared not speak his heart for the iron of Wayne Wright's poison had entered into his soul he had begun to think that perhaps in spite of all her friendliness Ruth really belonged to another world yet just her friendliness meant much to him in his great straight of loneliness he would take that much of her at least even if it could never be more he would leave a last word for her if behind his written words there was breaking heart and tender love she would never dream it if his soul was really taking another farewell of her what harm since he said no sad word yet it did him good to write these letters and feel a reasonable assurance that they would sometime reach their destination there was a meeting held that night in the hut he had never happened to attend one before although he had heard the boy say they enjoyed them one of his comrades asked him to stay and a quick glance told him the fellow needed him and had chosen him for moral support so Cameron sat in a shadowy corner of the crowded room and listened to the singing wild and strong and with no hint of coming battle in its full rolling lilt he noted with satisfaction how the long long trail and pack up your troubles in your old kit bag gradually gave place to tell mother I'll be there and when the role is called up yonder growing strong and full and solemn in the grand old melody of abide with me there were fellows there who but a few hours before had been shooting crap whose lips had been loud with cheerful curses now they sat and sang with all their hearts the lot it was a curious psychological study to watch them some of them were just as keen now on the religious side of their natures as they had been with their sport or their curses theirs were primitive natures easily wrought upon by the atmosphere of the moment easily impressed by the solemnity of the hour nearer perhaps to stopping to think about God and eternity than ever before in their lives but there were also others there thoughtful fellows who were strong and brave who had done their duty and born their hardships with the best yet whose faces now were solemn with earnestness to whom this meeting meant a last sacrament before they passed to meet their test Cameron felt his heart in perfect sympathy with the gathering and when the singing stopped for a few minutes and the clear voice of a young girl began to pray he bowed his head with a smart of tears in his eyes she was a girl who had just arrived she reminded him of Ruth she had pansy blue eyes and long gold ripples in her abundant hair it soothed him like a gentle hand on his heart to hear her speak those words of prayer to God praying for them all as if they were her own brothers praying as if she understood just how they felt this night before they went on their way she was so young and gently cared for this girl with her plane soldiers uniform and her fearlessness praying as if she trusted perfectly that her heavenly father had control of everything and would do the best for them all what a wonderful girl or no was it perhaps a wonderful trust stay was it not perhaps a wonderful heavenly father and she had found him perhaps she could tell him the way and how he had missed it in his search with this thought in his mind he lingered as the most of the rest passed out and turning he noticed that the man who had come with him lingered also and edged up to the front where the lassie stood talking with a group of men then one of the group spoke up boldly say cap he addressed her almost reverently as if he had called her some queenly name instead of captain say cap I want to ask you a question some of those fellows that have preached to us have been telling us that if we go over there and don't come back it'll be all right with us just because we died fighting for liberty but we don't believe that dope why do you mean to tell me cap that if a fellow had been rotten all his life he gets saved just because he happened to get shot in a battle why some of us didn't even come over here to fight because we wanted to we had to we were drafted do you mean to tell me that makes it all right over here I can't see that at all and we want to know the truth you dope it out for us cap the young captain lassie slowly shook her head no just dying doesn't save you son there was a note of tenderness in that son as those salvation army lassie spoke it that put them infinitely above the common young girl as if some angelic touch had set them apart for their holy ministry it was as if God were using their lips and eyes and spirits to speak to these his children in their trying hour you see it's this way everybody has sinned and the penalty of sin is death you all know that her eyes searched their faces and appealed to the truth hidden in the depths of their souls they nodded those boys who were going out soon to face death they were willing to tell her that they acknowledged their sins they did not mind if they said it before each other they meant it now yes they were sinners and it was because they knew they were that they wanted to know what chances they stood in the other world but God loved us all so much that he wanted to make a way for us to escape the punishment went on the sweet steady voice seeming to bring the very love of the father down into their midst with its forceful convincing tone and so he sent his son Jesus Christ to take our place and die on the cross in our stead whoever is willing to accept his atonement may be saved and it's all up to us whether we will take it or not it isn't anything we can do or be it's just taking Jesus as our savior believing in him and taking him at his word Cameron lingered and knelt with the rest when she prayed again for them and in his own heart he echoed the prayer of acceptance that others were putting up as he went out into the black night and later on the silent March through the dark he was turning it over in his mind it seemed to him the simplest the most sensible explanation of the plan of salvation he had ever heard he wondered if the minister at home knew all this and had minted when he tried to explain but no that minister had not tried to explain he had told him he would grow into it and here he was perhaps almost at the end and he had not grown into it yet that young girl tonight had said it took only an instant to settle the whole thing and she looked as if her soul was resting on it why could he not get peace why could he not find God then out of the dark and into his thoughts came a curse and a sneer and a curt rebuke from Wainwright and all his holy and beautiful thoughts fled he longed to lunge out of the dark and spring upon that fat flabby lieutenant and throttle him so in bitterness of spirit he marched out to face the foe end of chapter 17