 Irma, Irma, yes Jane, honey, where are you going with that pot roast downstairs? I have to cook it on the furnace downstairs in the basement downstairs in the basement Yes, the recipe says to cook it over a low fire. Well That's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma Friendship, friendship Just a perfect friendship when other friendships have been forgot There's will still be hard Leave her brother's company makers of swan the soap with the exclusive super cream blend presents Our friend swan with my friend Irma starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane People like to live in the country, but me Jane Stacy give me New York You can do the same things in New York that you can do in the country right now I'm on the roof of our brownstone taking an early morning sunbat. Oh, I'm just stretched out here I've got all the privacy in the world on my right is a billboard on my left is a blank wall of a warehouse and Right in front of me. Holy mackerel. It's the YMCA Outside of the track I've never seen so many spy glasses Oh But so what I'm not frustrated. So I'm an eyeful in a bathing suit Oh, I feel wonderful and alive because spring has come around Of course, I feel a lot better spring came around brought me a fellow with it But anyway, it's a beautiful day Oh, look at that little squirrel scampering up that tree Probably looking for a nut But reminds me maybe Irma'd like to come up on the roof and take a sunbat I'll get her Honey, it's a glorious day. What are you doing in bed? I think I'm sick Jane. Oh, really? Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. Maybe you overate last night. Maybe On second thought that's impossible. I'll bought your dinner Oh Well, how do you feel honey? Have you a pain in any particular place? No, I hurt all over my pains aren't particular That's too bad. Well, maybe you'd feel better if you got up, huh? Here's your robe. Thanks, Jane Now how about some coffee? No, thanks Want me to make you some tea? No milk. No I came into the world without anything. I might as well go out the same way Oh Honey, don't be dramatic But I do feel sick Jane. Well, then gee, I don't think you should go to work And I won't go either. I'll stay home now. I'll take care of you, huh? I'll call your boss, mr. Clyde. I'll tell him you're not coming in Oh, I better speak to him Jane. He won't know where anything is. Oh, yes. I forgot you have your own filing system Hello Milton j. Clyde attorney-at-law Mr. Clyde, this is me Irma Peterson. He asked me to tell you she won't be in today because she's sick I have you any messages you'd like delivered to her mr. Peterson. I would know that voice any place The only thing I want from you is if you'll kindly tell me where you put a few things And I'll be very happy to try to get by without you for the day. I'll be glad to help Fine now. Where is the carbon copy of the letter you mailed to mr. Alba on the other side of his letter I had the carbon paper in backwards Well, that's par for you Now, uh, tell me what did you do with that check for a thousand dollars, which I got from mrs. Van gold Oh, that check was no good. What are you talking about? It was certified Well, there are a lot of little holes in the check so I threw it away After all I'm not stupid Mr. Clyde Hello, are you there? Yes, but I'm on my knees Just one more question What did you do with my papers on universal copper? Where did you file them? Just where they belong in the filing cabinet under a Under a of course coppers made to make pennies and whose picture is on the penny Lincoln's that's right. What's his first name? Abraham So look under a You see how easy these things are when we work together Mr. Clyde Mr. Clyde, where are you? I'm on the floor At least pay me the courtesy of hanging up so I can call the doctor. Goodbye. Goodbye Was he angry, honey? No, he's just a big heart sentimentalist Sentimentalist? Yes, every time I talk to him he cries Jane I think I'll lie down. I just feel bad all over like an old horse ready for pasture Grand I'll go and buy a saddle and we'll take a ride in central park On you Come in it's only me professor Krabatlin Hello Jane and Irma my two little air conditioners one breezy the other with a dent in the vent Irma my darling little pigeon what's the matter with you? You're lying there like a dead herring I'm sick professor. Well, I'm no doctor, but let me give you some advice As you know when I was a little child I was raised by a band of gypsies And every time we got sick they used to give us a pinch of barley root in a glass of vodka Oh those wonderful epidemics Oh, I think I will take her to a doctor professor. Maybe she needs a blood count or a basal metabolism Oh Jane, why do I need a nasal metabolism? There's nothing wrong with my breathing. I'm just sick all over Run down probably haven't got enough blood, you know, like when you're suffering from magnesia Anemia honey Irma my darling most diseases are mental what you should do is think of something real pleasant Like you and al are married Me and al married There you look better already and now you're having a big wedding reception. All your friends are there All my friends and then on the table in front of you they put a gorgeous wedding cake six feet high Irma, Irma, why are you crying? All that wonderful cake and I'm too sick to eat any Oh, honey Hello, Janey and Irma. Oh, there you are professor. No, wait a minute. Mrs. Aralea Wait nothing this poem you shoved under my door. You've got your nerve Girls listen to this roses are red violets of blue. How many more years must I wait for you? Why that sounds lovely. What's wrong with him? He signed it the undertaker Well, I couldn't spell kropotkin in the dark I'll go along with you Irma darling, what are you doing lying there on the sofa? I don't feel well. Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh, you poor child Jane, why don't you get a doctor? Oh, I'm just about to take her to dr. Davis Well, I know everyone prefers their own doctor me. I wouldn't go to anyone but dr. Raymond schpritzler He's done a lovely bit of plastic surgery for me That's nice when you're going to call for it Well, this is getting us no place. Come on, honey, we'll go see a doctor and we'll find out what's wrong with you Well, good morning, miss Stacy. What can I do for you? Uh, doctor? I have my roommate miss peterson in the reception room She's been complaining about feeling ill and I thought that I understand. I'll see you immediately Send miss peterson in Hello, doctor. Hello miss peterson. I'll wait outside for you, honey Uh, now if you'll just sit right here miss peterson That's it Uh, now suppose that first of all we get a little case history. I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed doctor You see history was my worst subject You will find sense of humor Now tell me have you had any chronic afflictions only al. I've liked him for years I beg your pardon. He's my fiance, you know, yes, I know Uh, miss peterson. We're not getting anywhere. I want to know if you recall ever having any serious illness. No Well, when did you last see a doctor in that picture with lion albaro more? I see Miss peterson, will you please step over here on the scales? Well, I haven't got a penny. Well, it's on Now, please stand still that's it Uh, huh 118 am I through? No, now, uh, yes, let this thermometer under your tongue That's it to close your mouth. All right I'll get a chart ready for you I'm a peterson single Uh, all right. Now. Let's look at that thermometer Hmm 98 98 just wait 118. I've lost 10 pounds Miss peterson, why don't you lie down on this couch for a moment and rest? I'll be right back All right, I'll just listen to your radio Do you mind if I use these earphones? That's my stethoscope, but go right ahead Well, doctor, doctor, is it anything serious? No, I'll be all right I just had to get out of there for a minute. I mean, I know don't don't worry miss stacey There's nothing organically wrong with the girl. I think I know the cause of her illness I think we can bring her back to normal. Look doctor. I don't want miracles. I just wanted to get well Oh What's wrong with her? Your friend is suffering from a common disease. Oh dear doctor. What is it? Well, it's nothing to be alarmed about It's spring and she's got an acute case of love sickness Oh, I should have known she's eating her heart out for al Oh the poor kid. I'll go in and comfort her Irma honey Irma Cookie he loves me. He loves me not He loves me. He loves me not He doesn't love me neither will a doctor when he finds out you cut all the fingers off his rubber gloves Ladies did you know that swan soap actually differs from other soaps? Sure feel a cake of swan it feels smoother as susie swan says it's a smoothie It's a smoothie. It's a cake of swan. You can feel that supercream blend You can feel the difference in it. You can tell it in a minute. It's a smoothie That's swan Yes, ladies the way swan feels is a direct result of swan supercream blend Just run your fingertips over the surface of the cake of swan Feel the smoothness see how swan supercream blend makes swan differ from other soaps Then feel swan suds. They feel richer creamier and swan's mild suds protect your hands Sure, when you're through look at your hands You'll see they're left with a smooth soft young look and swan supercream suds rinse away so completely Your dishes don't need wiping you bet swan soap means faster dish washing and protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive supercream to blend The fact that we have diagnosed ermas illness as love sickness doesn't make matters one bit easier You see Irma happens to be in love with a man who hasn't worked for so long that Well, I'll put it this way if al was stanley the explorer and dr. Livingston was a job stanley would never have found Livingston I tell these things to erma, but she keeps crying and she's actually making herself sick I've sent for the professor and mrs. O'Reilly so we can have a council of war to decide what to do about al I just can't stand any more of ermas suffering Please don't carry on like that. It's it's not good for you I can't help it jay This is spring the time for romance the birds are singing the flowers are budding The sap is starting to fall and I have no one to catch me Oh Well now don't cry honey Things have a way of working out, you know Why don't you go for a walk and forget your troubles, huh? All right, I I think I'll take a walk in the park and visit the zoo After all that's where I met al. Yeah Yeah, I remember that honey. He was taking peanuts away from the monkeys Goodbye, I want you to come over here as soon as you can Why not? What trouble are you having? With a gum machine Didn't you get your gum? Well, you got the gum but the string on the nickel broke Look al you hurry right over here. Goodbye It's only us professor krapatkin and mrs. O'Reilly I'm so glad the two of you are here ermas in trouble. Oh the poor child No, don't worry jenny if ermas in trouble you'll stand in back of her mrs. O'Reilly will stand in back of you And I'll stand in back of mrs. O'Reilly You know, I don't know if this could help erma, but this could be a very good conga line Professor this is serious now We all know that al has been giving erma the run around and what with this being spring and june not too far off The poor girl is lovesick Aren't we all Please mrs. O'Reilly stop winking at me I'm tired of picking up your eyelashes Well anyway, it seems to me that there's only one solution al is coming over here And we've got to get him to commit himself to announce his engagement to erma, but I thought they were engaged Oh, no just in words professor I want al to give her a ring and then ermal feels secure and she'll stop worrying herself sick In other words, we have to get al to propose. Yeah Knowing him, I think it's hopeless jane and nothing is hopeless as in the case of Tell me mrs. O'Reilly. How did you trick your first husband into proposing to him? I didn't trick him. It was love at first sight. He always said my eyes were like two deep pools My luck. I had to meet you after the dam broke Oh now please the two of you were trying to solve ermas problem Well, if I did propose where will he get a ring? Has he any money money? Are you kidding? His pockets haven't seen his hand since that last cold spell we had Well, what are we going to do? We've got to get him to propose otherwise ermas never going to get over her sickness Open up chicken. It's me. You're a lot. That's him. That's him. I'll handle him folks if I need any help I'll call you all right jane come in Oh jane. Hi folks. Where's chicken? Well, why is everybody staring at me? If I was your mother I'd shoot your father If I was your father I'd deserve it Come on mrs. O'Reilly before we both forget we are gentlemen What goes here jane? They don't look at me that way. I've seen prosecuting attorneys with more pleasant expressions Al sit down first. I want to know where chicken is. That's what I want to talk to you about al now You've known erma for over a year check and I assume you love her Love her Jane I ain't got any flair for these poetical phrases But believe me when I walked down the street with my arm around erma I couldn't feel any better if I was carrying home a barrel of beer For you that's kind of tender But I want to know what you're going to do about her future. Well, naturally I'm spending day and night working on my deal Oh stop with your deals. No, no, no this this one sure fire and planning on cutting the toes and heels off of socks and selling them for spats Oh, no, you'll never make any money that way. Why don't you try stretching bottle caps and selling them for pie plates? See that ain't bad You know jane, there's a certain undertone here that I don't like Like a bunch of cops whispering to each other as I pass by Now listen to me al I want to know about you and erma just a minute jane You may be her roommate, but my relationship with erma is purely a personal matter Not when it makes her sick not when she's out walking like she is now and crying her heart out. My chicken is sick Oh, gee. I'd rather die than hurt my chicken. Well, then why don't you do what any man would do make some Definite gesture to show her that you mean business. Well, I did jane Why just the other day I went about making arrangements for our marriage. I priced the house I looked at furniture spoke to a minister that I went to the bank to arrange for a loan Well, spent the rest of the day cancelling everything Look al the time has come when you're going to have to do something besides make promises But I've already told her we're engaged al in case you don't know There's a little item called an engagement ring that a girl likes to get been working on it In fact, my friend joe sold me a raffle ticket on a ring won the raffle too But something went wrong joe's wife woke up while he was trying to slip it off her finger Al Al would you really give erma a ring if you had one on my word Well here, what's this you give me jane? This was my grandmother's engagement ring She gave it to me and I want you to give it to erma. Well jane, I couldn't take this It's it's an heirloom probably means a great deal to you It does not as much as erma and I don't want her to know that I gave it to you Gee jane, I I don't know what to say. I'm I'm all choked up How much does it work never mind? Really when you give this ring I want you to be looking into two blue eyes not three gold balls Trust me jane. Don't be naive Al I'm going out now and when I come back I want to see a well erma and an engaged erma with a ring on her third finger left hand Got me Al Gotcha jane Gee looks like a pretty expensive ring. She's got two diamonds on each side In that case there's only one man to call Who else but hello joe Al Got a problem. Just received a ring with two diamonds. What do you suggest? Uh-huh Uh-huh Only one man to handle it friendly freddy the philosophical fence Or where is he located? Well, he's with an old southern family on their farm or the prison farm in georgia No, no joe this this ring is legitimate. You see I gotta give it Oh joe, what am I doing? What am I talking to you for? This is for my girl The whole thing is on the up and up Sorry, I took up your time was merely acting on a natural impulse Got carried away by the diamonds Forget it joe. We'll call you on another proposition. Goodbye Al sometimes you get mighty close to being a bum. Oh jane. Oh, why Al? What are you doing here? Hi, you chicken There's something very important. I want to ask you. All right, Al. Shall we go over to the sofa? No, this is important Let's go over to the sink All right, Al Good Now listen, I'll I'll turn the faucet on There pretty romantic, huh? What chicken ain't you got no imagination that's niagara falls No one could have said it any nicer. I do Chicken we are now engaged and to make it legal. I am going to give you an engagement ring Oh, Al. This is the moment. I've waited for Let me see their ring that that that not yet chicken want to do this in such a way that you'll never forget it Now we'll sit over here on the sofa Oh hurry Al. I'm as excited as an expectant father walking up and down in front of him and turning the house Feel the same way chicken Now turn down the lights They're down. Good. Now chicken close your eyes. They're closed Now beloved as behooves the occasion I would like to make a speech to mark this wonderful moment. Oh go ahead, Al. I can hear you even though my eyes are closed Chicken I have looked the whole world over for a fair maiden to share my worldly possessions I admit most of my possessions are no longer in my possession Because they've already been possessed And those I possess I cannot get because they're in a place from which I have been dispossessed Go ahead Al. It's beautiful But east is east and west is west and as mark twain said We have met And haven't met I hereby with this ring the do engage Your hand my love here Al. Oh, what's the matter can't find the ring Oh, Al turn the lights on chicken Can't understand. I just had it in my hand. I must have fallen on the sofa Help me look for a chicken. Hey, wait a minute Al Are you sure you had a ring positive? Well, where did you get it? Well, she uh Gee, I can't see in any place Al. Where would you get a ring? From my great great grandmother. I never told you about her because it would make you sad. You see she's dead Well, I don't believe you ever had a ring This is just another one of your jokes and I never want to see you again Chicken believe me. I wouldn't kid you To me marriage is a sacred honor Like not turning states evidence on a close member of the family Oh, I'm sorry Al. I can't believe you and I never want to see you again. Goodbye Well chicken, that's the way you want it. Goodbye I reserve four seats for streetcar name desire You've got the wrong number besides can't you tell I'm crying my heart is breaking for all I care you can take the subway Irma you're still crying Didn't you see Al? Yes, and I never want to see him again But sweetie didn't he give you uh, uh, didn't he give you something? No, all he did was put out the lights and tell me to close my eyes Then he pretended he lost a ring. What? Lost it. Oh Jane, you know Al. Where would he get a ring? Where would he get it? Why I Oh, hi. Oh hermy if anything has happened to that ring, I'll Irma, what's the matter with you now? What do you mean? But you're limping honey take your shoe off. All right, Jane Jane look, it's the ring. Oh, oh, thank heaven. There you see you see honey Al wasn't lying after all Now what are you crying about we're not engaged the ring is on the wrong foot. Have you heard have you heard? Yes, ladies have you heard about the exciting lever buy to sale? Listen your dealer can help you get some modern heavy gauge aluminum wear for your kitchen You save from 33 and a third to 50 percent on it You can get a set of two eight inch cake pans worth a dollar 15 for only 75 cents Or a two quart saucepan with cover or a nine inch frying pan worth two dollars each for only one dollar a piece They're the famous regal aluminum wear the really perfect modern kitchen wear Yes, and they're made with inside sunray finish so bright so beautiful Now here's all you do to get them send in box tops or wrappers from any two of these lever products Luxe flakes rinso luxe toilet soap life boy silver dust Spray or swan Your dealer will give you handy order blanks as well as the other information you need The orders will be sent post fade within three weeks the offer expires august 1st 1948 It is subject to state and local regulations Just send your money together with box tops or wrappers from two lever products and your name and address to Lever home makers club box one new york city Put the ring on the right foot i mean the right finger And ermas engaged and she's happy again Right now she's bending over her hope chest Sweetie, what are you doing with the double harness? Well, they say when you get married you should pull as a team And you know automobiles may have replaced horses, but nothing will ever replace my friend ermas My friend ermas presented by swan another fine product of lever brothers company was produced and directed by sy hoard Tonight's script was written by sy hoard and park levy folks next monday evening Listen again to my friend ermas starring mary wilson iserma and kathy lewis's jane The part of professor kruppotkin was played by haunts conry Ladies listen the shortage of fats and oils is still very serious and it's worldwide So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat your butcher will pay you for every pound frank bingman speaking Sprite cakes are light and high There's a reason why Cakes improve with spry Rely on spry Yes, there's a reason why spry makes grand cakes spry has an amazing cake improver secret Try the spry one bowl away and be sure of lighter finer richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has spry's cake improver for new cake making success try spry the pure all vegetable shortening Rely on spry Rely on spry SPRY Rely on spry Tune in next week one hour earlier and listen to the lux radio theater immediately followed by my friend ermas This is cbs where 99 million people gather every week the columbia broadcasting system