 The Aberdeen Costello Program, starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, brought to you by Camel, the figurative costlier, properly aged tobacco. The Aberdeen Costello Program with the music of Carl Hoffman, his orchestra, our singing stars Amy Arnell and Bob Matthews, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting batteries in his Uncle Arty's seven suit because he heard him say you'd like to charge everything. I'm a fan. I am. What are you doing with those farmer's overhauls and straw hats? We have it. What? What's the matter? All I did for two weeks was milk cows. That's not hard work. Not a finger at a time. Do all of your Uncle's cows give milk? Ah, cows don't give milk. No? Does he have any Jersey cows? I don't know. Costello, you don't know the first thing about milking a cow? Who though? You don't. Throw the cow in the back. Yeah. What for? Mind the cows. What else did you do on the farm? Did you get the chickens? I got it in the eggs. Hey, you know something about it? What? There was one hen out there that laid an egg weighing 14 pounds. A hen laid an egg weighing 14 pounds? That's remarkable. What's remarkable about it? What else could you do with it? Look, I still can't believe that a hen could lay an egg weighing 14 pounds. Well, I read where the mayor of New York laid a five-foot cornerstone. Oh, look. Never mind that. I'm a ripper. Yeah, I know you are. Costello, how about the crops? Did you have anything to do with the crops? No, I shot crops every night. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, how did you help with the planting? Did you sow the seed? Did I what? I said, did you sow the seed? No, I didn't even know it was ripped. Oh, what a dope. When I say sow, I don't mean sow, S-E-W. I mean sow, S-O-W, sow. Sow what? Sow what? Sow the seed. You see, you've got to sow the seed before you reap it. You sow the seed first and reap it later. What kind of talk is that? I used to reap my seed first and then my mother would... When I say reap, I don't mean reap like rip when you rip. I mean... I mean reap like you reap when you sow. And what did you get when it rained? I get wet, yes, dope. No, you got for working on the farm? No, we did. We did? All I got to do is feed him in the next winter. I'll sell him for a dollar. Wait a minute. You paid a dollar for a pig and after feeding him, you're going to sell him next winter for a dollar? That's right. But you can't make money that way. But I have the use of the pig all summer. Oh. Hey, hey, hey, wait. Why are you calling that pig Bud? That's my name. I named him after you because she's a little hammy. No, just a minute, Castella. Now, look here. Now, let's get together. Come on. Hey, have it. What? This is the smartest little pig you ever saw. Here. Get them out of here. I'm not dancing with any pig. What were you doing last night at the playdium? Well, that was my wife. Just a minute. Where did you get this pig? Did you get it out of a litter? Yeah. Why? Did you get this pig out of a litter? Oh, I know that. I know they don't have pigs in a mailbox. No. Then why do they have litter carriers? I lost. Let me see that pig, Castella. Well, he's a little show Disney. No, he isn't show. He's just as long as they got a pig. Castella, where do you think you're going to keep that pig? Have you got a pen for that porker? I beg your pardon? I say, have you got a pen for that porker? No, but I got a porker pen. Porker pen? Yeah. Porker pen. Idiot. And get that dirty pig out of here. I don't like swine. You don't like swine? No. Then why don't you drink swatter? Never mind. Maybe you like to smuggle it smaller? Never mind that. Where are you going to keep that pig? Under the bed. Under the bed? Now, that is insanity. Ah, the pig will get used to it. For a walk. How in heaven's name do you walk a pig? You could put your finger practically anywhere on the map of the United States and be pointing to a place covered by the recent nationwide survey of doctor's cigarette preferences made by three of America's leading independent research organizations. Well, they asked 113,000 doctors from coast to coast this simple question. What cigarette do you yourself smoke, doctor? More doctors named Camel as their smoke than any other cigarette. Try Camels. Observe for yourself how rich and full is the flavor of Camel's superb blend of costlier tobaccos, how cool and mild. That pack of Camels you try may well explain why, according to a recent nationwide survey, doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette. And now the romantic voice of Camel's Bob Matthews who sings wave and sea. I shall be loved through all in, but if you don't brought a pig home and we got kicked out of our apartment. Now, where is that dope? Castello! Where did you get that yellow beret? Ah, that's... It's in the apartment. But first, we've got to have some breakfast. We've got to have some breakfast? Yeah. Don't be silly. How could you catch a squirrel? Ah, I see you. I just climbed up in a tree and make the noise like a nut. Oh, please. Talk, Samson. Pull up those newspapers. Would you please pull up those newspapers? Okay. I'll pull them up. We may need them for cover again tonight. Not me. I'm not sleeping on any more newspapers tonight. That's me. Why not? Come on. Let's get out of the park and find a place to live. It's a little pig. Leave that pig here. Come on. Come on. Okay. Good morning, gentlemen. What can I do for you? I'd like to rent a three-room apartment. You'd like to rent a three-room apartment. You'd like to rent a three-room... Hey, Castello. Huh? We'll find a phone and call up another real estate officer. Hey, there's a grocery store over down the corner. Come on. What's going on here? Hey, what's the idea of these guards in a grocery store? They're delivering a quarter of a pound of butter. All right. Get on the phone and see if he can get in his apartment. Okay. We're looking for a place to live, Mr. Muto. Oh, the housing shortage is exasperating. Moving to a nasty old shock on the other side of the railroad truck. Railroad truck? Yeah. That's the one that runs out. Mrs. Castello, what is that under your coat? Is that a hoax? No, it isn't a hoax. That's a baby poop. Mr. Muto, do you know who you can get in an apartment, please? I think Mrs. Niles has a vacancy. Well, a cheerio and a pip-pip to you. Let's get over to Mrs. Niles and see about that apartment. Hey, hey, look who's coming up the street. It's our old friend, Mellonhead. Hello, boys! Hello, Mr. Mellonhead. Hey, we're looking for an apartment. We've got no place to live. Well, you're just the boys I'm looking for. I've got a room for you out on my ranch. Mrs. Castello is that you do a little work to pay for the rent. And what do I have to do? It's very simple. The first thing you do is roll out of bed at 4 o'clock in the morning. You muck 20 or 30 cows, fetch a few barrels of water from the well, chop down a couple of trees for firewood, feed the chickens and goats, and zingo! You're ready for breakfast. And could I have a little extra bowl of Wheat East? Certainly, certainly. Now, right after breakfast, you overhaul the tractor, haul up five acres of ground, dig a couple of sacks of potatoes, then you run over to the barn and pitch a few tons of hay, then you skip into the orchard, pick 50 or 60 barrels of apples, sort them and quake them. You spread three waggles of fertilizer over the onion patch, and zingo! You're ready for lunch. I'll just have a chocolate soda. After lunch, Castello, you get your shovel. You dig a drainage ditch around the farm, repair all the fences, clean up the sallows, turn the butter, thresh the wheat, spray the tomatoes, pull the trees, trim the hedges, weed the cabbage patch, fill all the lanterns, bet down the cows, curry the horses, and zingo! You're ready for supper. Gee, all I do is eat. After supper, Castello, after supper, you hitch up the buggy and take my daughter for a ride in the moonlight. She's a gorgeous, captivating redhead with a lily-white skin and ruby lips. You drive down the lane, you hold her hands, and you're suddenly the horse stops. She moves over close to you, you put your arm around her waist. She put her head on your shoulder, and then do you know what you do? Zingo! The tea zone at Tea for Taste and Tea for Throat is your own laboratory for any cigarette. For it's your taste and your throat that can decide which cigarette tastes best to you and how it agrees with your throat. On the basis of the experience of many, many millions of smokers, we believe that camels may suit your tea zone to a tea. Recently, three leading independent research organizations put this question to 113,000 doctors all over America. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? Camel was the brand named most. Yes? According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. Camel's lovely Amy Arnell waiting for the train to come in. That pig can talk. What is silliness? Look, what do you want the pig for anyway? I'm hungry, but I thought we could cook it for dinner. But if Mrs. Niles sees that pig, she will let us have the apartment. I'll put the pig up under the back of my coat. But it'll make a bulge. On me? Who's gonna notice another bulge? Oh, all right. Let's knock on Mrs. Niles' door. Come on. Mr. Costello, I wasn't expecting anyone. I have not even dressed. My hair looks a-fried. I have a pigtail in back. That's nothing. I've got a pigtail in back, too. I think pigtails are coming back, don't you? That's right, Costello. Mrs. Niles, we understand you have a vacant apartment. We'd like to rent it, please. What? I should have Costello living in one of my apartments. Why, 10 minutes after he moved in, it would look like a pink pen. Who told you? Mrs. Niles, Costello isn't really a bad fella. Come on. Yes, Mrs. Niles. Everybody says I have a heart as big as a watermelon. Yes, and you have a stomach to match. When you stop that Costello, Mrs. Niles, please let us have the apartment. If you do, I'll promise that Costello will make no trouble whatsoever. Oh, very well. I'll get the keys. My word, what was that? That's the back of your coat. Oh, that? I never saw anybody's ribs stick out like that. Those are my sparrows. See, Costello, he almost caught you. Now, you can't stink that pig in under your coat. You know that. Oh, wait a minute. Look, there's a nurse taking a baby out of that baby buggy. Maybe we can borrow the buggy. I'll speak to her. Pardon me, madam. Is that you, baby? No, this is Mrs. Martin's baby. I'm the baby's nurse. My, what a beautiful baby. Would you like to hold the baby in your arm? Would I? Oh! Costello, you're not holding the baby. You're holding the nurse. You hold her! We'd like to borrow your baby carriage. Oh, do you have a baby? Yes, I do. I have it on my back, under my coat. What's the baby doing there? He likes to ride piggyback. I never heard of carrying a baby on your back. Well, I'm part Indian. See, Mrs. Martin's baby upstairs now, so you can borrow the buggy. But I have to have it back in half an hour. I have to take the baby out for some more fresh air. Oh, there's... Hey, quick, Costello. What? Get the pig in the baby buggy before Mrs. Niles comes back. Come on. Hey, I can hardly wait until we get this pig in the apartment and we can start cooking it. Boy, am I hungry. Yeah, I can taste those pork chops now. Hey, quick. He comes with Mrs. Niles. Pin that blanket up around the pig's head. Hurry up. Okay, okay. Well, boys, I have the keys. Oh! Who have you got there in the buggy? Mrs. Martin's baby? Uh, yes, yes, yes. We're minding him for his nurse. Oh, I must see the little darling. Look at that blanket up around the poor thing's head on a hot day like this, where the poor thing will be bacon. Yes, in a minute. I must look at the nose on that child. I don't like the gutter, but he's got a nose just like his father. Well, you're in the keys to the apartment, and Mr. Costello, I want you to remember the rules of this building. First, there'll be no cooking in the apartment. Secondly, there'll be no noise, no parties, no dancing, no singing, no playing the radio after nine o'clock, no loud talking, no heavy walking in the halls, and no banging doors. Do you understand that, Mr. Costello? Yes, Mrs. Niles, but I think it's only fair to warn you that my corduroy pants squeak a little. Come on, Castella, let's get to the apartment. I'll see you later, baby. Castella, you got a nice hot fire going in the fireplace. Now, hand me that knife and we'll get the pig ready for the bobby. Come on. All right, Castella, grab the pig, and let's get it over with. Yeah, but we can't kill this little pig. Why not? Look at the way he's looking at us with his little brown eyes. Oh. Oink, oink, oink, oink. Yeah, but did you hear that habit? What? He said that, uh... That? Put him in the dresser drawer. Get that pig in the drawer. Yeah, all right, pajamas. Calling Mrs. Niles. It's rehearsing a play. What play? What's the matter with Mrs. Niles? I guess we might as well confess we became so attached to Mrs. Martin's little baby that we thought we would keep it here for a while. Oh, now isn't that sweet. I thought it was a kill. Yeah, but you'd better take him back home. Mrs. Martin, don't worry. Oink, oink, oink. Goodness, that sounded like a pig. Oh, no, that's the... That was the baby. He has too much iron in his blood. Iron? Yeah, pig iron. Don't be at all now. You do have a pig in that drawer. Why have all the nerves? How dare you bring a pig into this apartment? Here, give me that pig. I'm throwing it out of here this minute. Wait a minute, Mrs. Niles. You can't throw my pig out. He's all I have left in the world. Whenever anyone else scorns me, I can always throw my troubles to my little pig. You'll give me that dirty pig. I'll give it to him in a hurry. Oink, oink, oink. Wait. Mrs. Niles, please wait. I can't throw this little pig out now. And why not? For camel-figurats in just a moment. And now tonight salutes to the men in the armed forces who won through to victory. Tonight we hail the men of the Navy's carrier Air Group 83, who bombed and torpedoed Japan's dwindling fleet and carried the fight to Japan itself. Since the beginning of the war, we have sent over 150 million free cigarettes to our fighting men overseas. But now with demobilization in progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. Tonight the camels go to U.S. Naval Hospital Charleston, South Carolina, U.S. Army Camp Carson Convalescent Hospital, Colorado, U.S. Marine Hospital Boston, Massachusetts, and Veterans Hospital Fayetteville, Arkansas, in your honor, men of the Navy's carrier Air Group 83. Our broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week. Our rebroadcasts are practically every area in the world where our men are stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And Lou Costello with the final word. Well, Costello, we've had a lot of fun tonight, didn't we? Yes, we did. And I'd like to thank... Just a minute, Mr. Costello. I hate to interrupt you, but I represent the annual Radio Award Committee, and I have a cup here. Each year we give this cup to the Outstanding Radio Star. Year before last, Bob Hope took it. And last year, Bob Hope also took it. But this year, Mr. Costello, we want you to take it. You want me to take it? Yes, take it to Bob Hope. He won it again. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody. For another great Aberdeen Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, try Camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea. C-A-M-B-L-S... Smoke a pipe, Mr. Then try Prince Albert, the choice of more pipe smokers than any other tobacco on earth. Choice mellow tobacco, specially treated to take out tongue bite and parts. Crimp cut to burn slower cooler. That's Prince Albert. Try it. And be sure on Saturday night to tune in the great Prince Albert radio show, Grand Ole Opry, coast to coast on NBC. Be sure to listen to this very same time next week for the Aberdeen Costello show for Camel Cigarette. This is Ken Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant. Good night for Camels. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.