 So welcome to Wednesday's episode. We're talking about love friends family romance is Jealousy healthy in a relationship. I just went to Google and I was like, what's the most common relationship questions people Google and I'm on my daily walk I've got my million-dollar body protocol that I created Part of it is a 18 minute walk and then an 18 minute run Every morning six days a week just to get started And I record my podcast episode. So By the way, you know, if you've listened to me for a while, I think The grand theory of life is what I call the four pillars So you've got to perfect and master four areas of life and they don't teach us in school nearly enough Health will love happiness. So I divide the week six days of the week take one day off but Monday I Read books and focus on physical health first pillar Tuesday I focus on wealth business Making money financial independence reading talking about, you know focusing on Wednesday today I'm focused on love friends family romance the social side of life Thursdays is, you know, happiness How do you achieve that ultimate goal everybody really wants or strives for as Sigmund Freud said The behavior of men and women show us their true purpose to be Achieving happiness minimization of pain, but that's for tomorrow. So let's talk about this subject today And by the way, I'm no relationship expert. So for those of you who follow me, this is just my take You know, I've tried to surround myself with some of the smartest mentors and thinkers on different subjects I've learned a lot from Dr. Helen Fisher Fisher. She's one of the preeminent PhDs on the subject of love. She studied it in 40 cultures I think she's the chief scientist for match and tinder and Dr. Busse, of course my long-time mentor So as I talk about this, you know, this is my amateur opinion on jealousy Here's the thing jealousy Most people are going to give you an extreme answer That to be jealous Is somehow a horrible thing um, the truth of the matter Is that this is going to be one of those classic Answers of it's like cooking a meal right you're let's say Uh, I've been learning how to cook from my cousin Billy. He's a chef I wanted to chef school and all that and Think about seasoning when you're making I don't know something simple like chicken noodle soup If you have no salt in it doesn't taste good and if you have too much salt It tastes horrible Or as the old proverb says A little leaven leavens the whole loaf meaning a little bit of yeast When you're making bread is all you need you put too much it destroys the bread a little bit of salt Is a beautiful thing too much salt and it's horrible. No salt. It's weird So I think that's probably the best framework for jealousy You know a little bit of salt A little bit of jealousy Is healthy no jealousy probably means there's not enough emotions and we evolve, you know the The prime driver no matter what your Religion might be the prime driver for this world on earth I'm no expert on what happens after earth, but if you observe animals birds primates lions the ocean the There's a continual kind of evolutionary process happening And I hate to use the word survival of the fittest Let's just use the word survive and thrive what survives and thrives in this world is pretty clear A relationship where people have no what's called mate guarding Is probably a relationship that's going to struggle. So mate guarding is the scientific term for jealousy Or you know, jealousy is the emotional reaction to a primate primordial or primitive instinct that scientists call mate guarding It's expressed through a series of you know hormonal Uh processes in our brain that causes us to feel this feeling we call jealousy Which is obviously, you know, I've been jealous before I wouldn't say I'm a highly jealous person But I've experienced it and I would say if you've never experienced jealousy most likely You know, you're either Biological anomaly in a good way which most biological anomalies are not good, but or you've never really Found somebody who you're highly sexually attracted to You know, so it's not a great thing to say you've never been jealous In fact, I would say Like I said about salt in your food A little bit of it makes it better And so the real question should not be Does jealousy Exist in healthy relationships. The real question should be how much Jealousy and what is too much and obviously this is going to be on a spectrum I like to think about one of the things I learned from dr. Bus is most things In biology exist on a one-two. Let's just use an imaginary numerical Uh spectrum one to a hundred, right? So for example If there's a human who has Never is sad Okay on a one to a hundred. There are a one of experience sadness over the course of their lifetime This is somebody who probably has neurological damage Because we have descended That I call it the whisper of 10 000 generations in my 67 steps program if you haven't gone through that you should Definitely go through that 67 things my mentors taught me Millionaire mentors taught me about Making money in life But you know I talk about the whisper of 10 000 generations Which is this concept that We are not our own people. We like to think that we're autonomous and we're doing all this on our own But the real way the world works is we have the whisper In our ear quote-unquote through You know Processes that scientists haven't even fully discovered, but we could call them chemicals You know you hear the normal ones oxytocin dopamine cortisol neuroepinephrine all these things on our brain, but there's subtle nuances to this and so if a human if you descended from Well, I could put it to you this way you have not descended From 10 000 generations of your great great grandparents that didn't experience jealousy or sadness. They wouldn't have made it Somebody who has no jealousy Right jealous. He's functional. So that's a key word you need to know in life. It's what's functional and what's not the definition from a scientific biological standpoint the concept of functional adaptive and functional functional kind of means in layman's terms it works Okay So if you want to know what's worked for the last 10 000 generations Just experience what you normally experience as a human Little bit of happiness a little bit sadness a little bit of anger a little bit of depression a little bit of anxiety A little bit of joy a little bit of elation a little bit of love a little bit of hatred a little bit of jealousy a little bit of nonchalant non lack of lackadaisical non caring these are all the mix That a healthy human has and so If your ancestors last 10 000 generations Never were jealous and exhibited no mate guarding well for sure mate guarding works. I'll give you an example If you google where do most people find their mates Okay, and i'd use the word mates because now we live in a world not everybody gets married in this So to me the word mating means Coupling male and female Coupling together Okay At it with the primary goal or one of the primary goals to reproduce. Okay I'm not going to talk about gender and all this stuff. I don't feel like getting in that conversation. Okay I'm just talking about sexual reproduction, which is what homosapiens Do to procreate right so mating So i'm in a park here. I like to do my podcast when i'm walking So excuse the noise but I'll tell people you get what you pay for podcast is free so you can't complain If the audio quality is not perfect But Where do people find relationships the most mating relationship? It's at work Okay, it's at work and You know in the last 10 000 generations work was different industrial revolution 1700s the steam engine, you know, it was really kind of the time when this 16 1700s the rise of the modern industrial age where people had jobs, but but basically The reason it's work is because that's where you spend the most time in the modern world You know 500 years ago people Women didn't find their mates or men didn't find their mates at a nine to five job. They found it in their village on the farm Religious, you know purposes, so it's who you spend the most time with so therefore Men or women who had no jealousy and let their potential or current mate Spend massive amounts of time with other people Um, it was bound. It was inevitable that that would backfire And lo and behold, you know people would become Attached to another person and you'd be in a big mess because you had mated with somebody And then all of a sudden they grow attachment through time time is the great attachment tool For humans, right? You often see this with women anecdotally like if you you know, like, oh, I didn't like my husband My current husband first time I met him. I didn't like him, but you know over time I fell in love with them. It's a pretty common refrain I think even more so for women than men I think men more visual Definitely experience more love at first sight Although Dr. Helen Fisher one of her great books why we love why we have sex all these books That she's written, you know, she says Almost every animal species can experience love at first sight elephants rhinoceros You know, so we like to think of these as like uniquely human things, but Stay humble We're just one of many creatures on this earth, but anyway, you know Uh There's a funny instagram video where there's a goat mating with a female goat a billy goat mating with a female goat and the Out of nowhere comes this huge billy goat and knocks the other one off in the act in the act And if you think about it, it's kind of funny went viral But if you think about it, that's mate guarding And so this one goat billy goat the big boss one had been paying attention to this female She'd been Slowly but surely being wooed by this other goat and if there was no jealousy instinct That you know that reproduction might have happened. He knocks The the big billy goat knocks the little billy goat on mid act of performance, right? Which You never know if he hadn't done that Not too many months later. There might be a billy goat that came Not from big billy goat's genes, right? So you see this everywhere and men do the same thing and women do the same thing There's insane stories of jealousy and what they've led people to do I think as a practical matter For humans, I would say on a spectrum from my life One to a hundred of jealousy a hundred is just like insanity You know, we all know people that have insane jealousy where like somebody Their their mate can't even go out of the house. I I saw I saw a tick tock somewhere. It was crazy It was like a clip from some um, England some uk Reality show and it's about this woman who's so jealous of her man That every time he goes out and comes back. She does a lie detector test on him It was insane asking. Did you notice any other women? Okay, that's kind of strange. She's not the most attractive woman I've ever seen Neither was he necessarily but He like failed the lie detector test half the time because of course he noticed other women But that would be a hundred on the Richter scale of jealousy and then one like I said someone with neurological damage probably has zero attachment To somebody I tend to think jealousy Is such a complicated one. You probably want to be at 30 To 50 on the jealousy scale You know and I've dated I'm thinking a woman I dated who I would say is like 60 to 80 and I just I don't think it was right You know And and some people by the way if you're dating somebody who's like a five or a 10 has no jealousy towards you You kind of feel traumatized like maybe they don't really like me So humans actually strangely enough use their other their partner's Signal jealousy as a signal to true love. That's why I said 30 to 50 on a spectrum of 1 to 100 probably feels like Where healthy? You know rates of jealousy should be so if you're naturally Again jealousy almost every personality trait is heritable Scientists are finding that it's in the genome. So if you inherited genes Plus your behavior and environment and traumas of the past make you like a 60 to 100 You need to tone that thing down. You're probably never tone it down to a 30 But maybe you can get it down in the 50s And if you're experiencing no jealousy now, this is an interesting thing when you experience no jealousy like I said it can be some kind of genetic or neurological damage, maybe I think that's pretty rare but I think And and I just record a podcast on where you live Where you should live? I think it's one of the most important seminal questions of your life is where do you live, right? um And we often just live Where we were born which can be okay But it should be more thoughtful. I called the Jeff Bezos principle should listen to that other podcast on where should you How to choose where you live? um, but I think a key thing That I talk about there is kind of Go live somewhere where you're naturally attracted to that look physical look and culture So I think for and I know this will be somewhat controversial There's just some places I've lived and I just was not attracted To the personality the culture the zeitgeist of those people who lived in that city and I wasn't particularly attracted to The look, you know cultures. It's like I've lived in Sweden and I've lived in you know North Carolina. I've lived in New York. I've lived in Australia. I've lived and there's some places. I'm just naturally attracted to the women there And so I think if you're never experiencing jealousy You may be living in a place where there ain't that many attractive people And trust me So people don't believe that's true. There are places that are God-forsaken in terms of being attractive and I'm specifically talking about sexual attractiveness because I think jealousy in many ways I mean well for sure at a biological level is for sure rooted in sexual attraction We're much I mean you can be a tribe been jealous Of friends having other friends, but it's not nearly the level of intensity There will be jealousy in other settings besides sexuality. You know sexual attraction, but it's not it's half If you're a 50 you're probably gonna be a 25 around friends. I don't know that many people are more sexually more jealous And guarding of friends over lovers, you know, so I think move Or go spend time. I've found places Where I'm just and and this is I talk about this in the other podcast on the principle of thick markets It doesn't mean thick like body thick Okay, it means thick where there's a large amount of people that you're naturally attracted to and so I find that Certain places They're just it's easier for me to find somebody. I'm really attracted to and there because I think I'm a little bit Someways low on the jealousy scale. I'm probably a 30 to 40 And and I like a lot of the personality traits. You'll you'll as you listen to my different podcast I I think 50 is a good place to be on a lot of things 40 to 50, you know, like it's like narcissism Anxiety like should you have no narcissism? Well, it depends that we're talking about npd You know severe narcissism, but on a spectrum of 1 to 100. It's good to have some level of confidence You know, which over time morphs into narcissism same with jealousy same with you know anger I don't know that it's good To be a one out of a hundred like think about your kids. Would you want your kids to have no jealousy? Would your kids have no narcissism? You know, I so I think for me I'm one of the people that maybe needs to up my jealousy and then easiest way I found is to where I spend time and now I kind of rotate cities. I don't I kind of live in different places Um, I try to gravitate to the place where I see a lot of partners potential That if I got in a relationship with them, I have a level of attraction That would kind of raw my jealousy would rise a little bit now If you're really high on jealousy I'm not sure it's hard for me to speak to that because I don't have that but I think some things are as much as speaking to a therapist and I think some things are getting You know When you're like a 90 you got a whole bunch of issues. You've got genetic stuff environmental stuff You got you got to do a lot of stuff right Because you're gonna experience a tough life at the 90 level of jealousy or 80 level or 70 Try to get most of these complex personality Traits and emotions like anger vengeance hatred forgiveness You know stubbornness jealousy Try to get these in the 50 range out of 100. So you're kind of You know, they say beauty is actually If you collect the thousand faces and you average them together you get a more beautiful face We tend to think that the phrase average is bad The mean maybe you could use me an Like the Aristotelian Aristotle the philosopher talked about the mean so it's not we won't use the word average because everybody nowadays is like Fuck average. I don't want to be average. Okay, right whatever on some stuff. You want to be in the middle so There is some things to be great Be average and Jealousy would be one of them. So anyway, um I highly recommend That you be in my four pillars program Where I talk about the four pillars of the good life health, wealth, love, happiness Um, so go to tidalopas.com Slash four pillars podcast. It'll take you right where you need to go the number four Pillars p i l l a r s podcast tidalopas.com Slash four pillars podcast that'll take you right to where you need to go from this episode to sign up and uh Yeah, it's not expensive that four pillars thing man going back if I could be 18 and get that program I pay a million bucks. Of course, I didn't have a million bucks I found a video when I was About 16 17 Saying to my grandma Can I have 20 bucks? I'm broke 20 bucks was a big deal when I was 17 but uh But most more important than money They say is wisdom and I would say that's true every time I've been wise in my life Like everything works in the short term mid term in the long term every time I'm not wise. It just bites you in the butt immediately and forever. So you know The old proverb get wisdom and understanding over everything over wealth Greatest thing you could spend your money on It's wisdom and understanding of how this world works and how to make it through, you know So four pillars is what I've learned from my own experience and from the great mentors I've had Um, you know my life's kind of a grand experiment. So anyway tidalopas.com slash four Pillars podcast