 So today we're going to talk about something that causes men to pull away And I want all of you to avoid this a mistake and it's gonna center around conflict resolution I'm so excited to have my my coach in the house Sabrina rising. Thanks for being here. Thank you for having me Jonathan I always love being here. Well, I'm grateful that you're in my life and before I actually get into this topic I Want to run something by you as my coach. Is that okay? Of course. It's always okay So the other day I got a comment on one of my YouTube videos saying that Jonathan I don't think you're ready for a relationship. You seem to have walls up And it if you know it and I'm gonna say it triggered me only because this person doesn't know me personally and while I do You know, I am very Fourth right and transparent on my channel. There's a lot of things people don't know about me and yet the same time I Recognize that having walls up is one of the primary causes of relationship distress Especially if one person has a wall up and that certainly can even cause another person to even push away So I want to even integrate this into our conversation about Resolving conflict and I wanted your reflection upon what you think about when it says somebody's walls are up Well, first of all, I don't think anybody who doesn't know you intimately Is qualified to make any kind of statement, you know, I hear that and I hear projection, you know I hear that maybe that's what's going on for them, you know So that's my professional assessment so far. I think that I Think walls are natural You know, we it's natural and it's human to want to protect ourselves from being hurt Especially when you've had a history of relationships that haven't gone. Well, or you've had heartache, you know At our age, I'm is very normal to have, you know Experiences collected experiences that are painful even with it, you know You can do inner work and you can do healing work and and all that stuff When you get into a relationship with someone or when you meet someone who activates those those deeper feelings Years a lot of those those fears and those fears are not necessarily from the breakup You had two years ago or the divorce you had ten years ago They are from childhood as you know from all the conversations that we've had, right? So it will trigger a lot of those fears from childhood and you know, we go into self-protection mode Yeah, right So though it's normal to have walls and I would say that it's okay to have some walls because those walls are Actually keeping you safe, right? Yeah, safe as long as there's an awareness that these walls are present Okay, if you're not aware of your walls then, you know There's no point trying to date and mate and create conscious partnership Yeah, there's no point gonna recreate the same type of painful relationship You've always had but if you're aware of what your walls are you're aware of what you know Where you feel a little tender, you know, you've done some inner work And you know, I have a fear of abandonment or I have a fear of being Betrayed or cheated on or this, you know Whatever the fear is and you know that that fear is in place and you know that that's a vulnerable spot for you You can share that, right? You can share that I have this this sort of wall up that I'm willing to dissolve in the presence of building trust and establishing trust with this new person So you said something a moment ago and I want to unpack this for a second And by the way, I appreciate your kind of perception around the idea of walls and what that really means because I do Recognize that self-protection is is kind of an important aspect of our our needs and parts of our personality and whatnot So is it always childhood or can you actually in your adult experiences? Particularly someone who's gone through a traumatic divorce or a significant relationship then can it also be that as well? I mean that can cause a person. Yes Look the most recent traumatic event is your most recent frame of reference, okay? Okay, so I can trade if we were in a session together I could trace the trauma around your divorce back to early childhood Do you have to sit there and think about when you were five every time you're feeling triggered You don't have to do that work on your own necessarily you can you know as you're processing an event That's traumatic for example, you know if you're you know, if you're just going through a breakup Or you're just going through a divorce or you're going through something very difficult in your in your relationship You know those feelings that are being activated in that moment are very real And so, you know take the time you need to process those in the current reality, right? But the fact is it doesn't matter where on the timeline you go in your life. Okay, the pattern of being triggered in that way The tendency the predisposition to be triggered in that way to have that fear come up for you was created in childhood Well, let me ask you this though, and this is something that just occurred to me while you're just sharing this You know when dating in my audience are mostly those single looking for love and that sort of thing or in a in a relationship for many as well Kind of shouldn't we start as a blank sheet of paper like if we literally start with a wall up We're we're setting ourselves up for failure to some degree I mean, it's and and I'm not suggesting that we aren't you know mindful of getting attached to quickly or something like that That's why I'm saying go into your partnership with awareness. Yeah, these are my sore spots This is where I'm tender, you know, this is my this is where I've had, you know trauma in the past You know in my past relationships I've often felt like I over give or I overextend myself or I have felt anxiously attached or I've had a fear of being abandoned You know, this is some of the stuff that I deal with just this heads up You know as we get closer these things might come up for me But just so you know wouldn't be great if we all did this in relationship just so you know What we get triggered? I have my own tools in place that I can work through just hold my hand while I work through these You know all of these emotions and I get back to center now That's easier said than done and I'll say this and I'll say why in a minute Because oftentimes when we do get triggered we speak, you know misspeak or we speak in violent ways or we you know We can laugh out And that will trigger your partner and it's hard to hold space and give empathy if you're in pain Right, so people are triggered. It's really hard to hold space and and give empathy It's better to just take space and and then come back when you can both be in in your heart, you know, but The point of your question about you know having these walls It's unrealistic to say I'm gonna go into a relationship a completely blank slate like if you are blank The relationship because the relationship is there to show you where you're still holding on to fear and hurt And what you're you're not fully in unconditional love. That's for let's just be clear Right, we don't I mean it's fun to have someone to go out to dinner with and you know have fun with and you know be physical with and make memories with but the point of partnership from a spiritual energetic healing perspective is to Learn to love ourselves more deeply. Yeah So I got some remember the other day. I called you to talk about this brief encounter I had with this woman that I met online and It's rather fascinating because first off just really quickly everyone watching I did Have a conversation with someone just recently She is a counselor at a trauma center and I'm just sharing with you that she actually has some counseling expertise and Immediately when we got on the phone, we just hit it off kind of like the way you and I hit it off Sabrina There was that ease and so she shared with me in a very early in the conversation that she suffers from anxiety and And she even says, you know, I'm aware of this I have tools in place, but she shared that with me and I said, well, that's kind of coincidental because I am an anxious I'm a default anxious attach or I'd like to think I've hit secure attachment style But we had this conversation. It was kind of interesting because we I'm not saying we led with our Problems per se, but we were free enough to share it and we could even have a conversation about it And I believe These are building blocks to deeper connection with another human being when we can actually have introspective Conversations instead of the surface conversation. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day, which most people seem to be that's the highlight of their text conversations That's now I would probably not venture that most people should do this on the first telephone call But at the same time sometimes when you have that connection like and I love that you brought this up because sometimes You know when your heart is open and you've done work on yourself You've done healing work And so your heart is more open and you're more ready and you're more susceptible to love because you're in a more loving place with yourself You're gonna magnetize Conversations that are more intimate and juicy and and you know more Transparent and deep because you're a deep person right deep people it creates depth and doing inner work creates depth, right? Yeah On to inner work is usually someone who has depth to begin with and just wants to go into those feelings and wants to feel better Right, and yeah, you're naturally going to magnetize those those people that are Willing to go there with you especially if that's what you love right keep in mind. We've talked about this many times like yeah You know energy flows where attention goes and if you always putting your attention on inner work and loving yourself and healing yourself And doing personal development work guess what you're gonna attract in your life people that are you know of that like mine So it's not surprising to me that you met this person and that you kind of fell into this this conversation And it's so beautiful to have proof that you can easily make those connections, right? They can be effortless. You don't have to struggle or wait for years and Yeah, I love about what happened to you is that You know it also shows you that just because you connect with someone doesn't mean it has to go anywhere, right? Yeah, let me just tell everyone really quickly It was a long-distance dynamic and there was also some other factors that makes it almost impossible to even engage in a relationship But it was an interesting short-lived Experience and and and I believe it actually Happened from a spiritual perspective is just a reminder that there are people out there They can meet me at my watermark that can meet me at this space of depth And I'm not I'm unafraid to good jive into the deep end of the pool right away And if someone doesn't want to join in okay, you can stay at the shallow end. This is where I swim so All right, by the way a lot of everybody is so sweet. They keep saying Jonathan's a unicorn And I really appreciate the love everyone I can't begin to tell you that Sabrina look at Jonathan's a unicorn Sabrina. You're my unicorn out there in as my coach. So let's talk about Communication styles that pushes people away even though the title is directed that might make a man pull away or push away I believe that communication Today is rather I mean we talk about the book nonviolent communication But lacks of a level of compassion or empathy and I believe most humans are Unconscious to their patterns of almost being lack of a better word violent then compassionate in their communication I'd love for you to dive into this Yeah, I mean look when we're triggered we want to lash out. This is a natural like it's an automatic response You know when you feel threatened the first thing you do is brace yourself right as soon as we threaten we brace ourselves I mean think about you in a car if someone cuts you in traffic like you, you know, you just tense up Right as so as soon as we feel a threat to our safety Especially, you know as it relates to deep emotions, you know, and we're an intimate relationship with someone that Relationship has a lot of power right? We give it a lot of power because we're so invested You know, we're invested in the bond we're invested in what the bond represents for us You know, we're we've allowed the bond to help us feel safe and secure in the world You know for for the most part I mean unless you're a Zen master some everybody deals with some level of codependency, right? You become in your relationship, and it just becomes an extension of who you are, right? And that's part of the beauty of sacred union and merging with another person Although it's really important to remember that the source of love comes from within us, right? And so yeah, and this is when we're in a calm place when we're in a centered place It's really easy to stay centered in this love and in this power and in the truth of what I'm saying But when we're triggered we react we react so the key is to pause We just it's a muscle. We develop just like going to the gym like when you're in reaction pause pause Just pause, you know Let me yeah, all right. I'm jumping in because like okay You're in a relationship with someone you just had dinner and you'd like your partner to clean up the dishes Yes, you know like I was thinking about the movie the breakup, you know, and it reached a level of escalation in that request That was not very Communicated needs are not like here's the thing that this is a perfect example, right in that scene You're talking about the movie the breakup in that scene. She's washed. She's cleaning up all by herself, right? Yeah And her partner is not helping her and she's feeling alone. Yeah So instead of saying hey, can you please help? Hey, can you please help? Hey, can you please help? The key is to say I feel alone Right, that's Completely different different energy. I'm feeling alone, you know, I'm feeling I would love some support You know, I feel like I'm doing I have to do everything by myself and that just creates a It opens up the pathway to empathy, right? If someone is keeps asking you to do something you don't want to do and do something you don't want to do you just kind of like It's like it becomes irritating You know, and we just tune it out or perhaps we say we'll get to it and it never happens, right? But the fact of the matter is is when you communicate a need and if your partner cares enough about you They are willing to support you and getting that need Matt. It's that simple. All right So what in that scene, you know with with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn What need does he have in that moment because he he doesn't want to do the dishes great because when people say notice something They're always saying yes something else. Okay. I do this with my daughter, you know, it's very easy to see like, okay You know, you don't want to clean your room right now. You'd rather be on your iPad, you know I can see that right like I can see that you're actually having fun So he's in this just to bring it back to your example in the case of the scene You know, he's playing video games and his need is to relax Yeah, the video games is a strategy for relaxation. Okay, there's no need to play video games But there's a need for relaxation. There's a need to There's a need to like tune into a different energy, you know Go into like maybe he has a need to just be by himself, right? I'm alone time and so that's his need. So now we have two differing needs. I need I Need support I need, you know partnership, right and I need alone time. I need space I need to unplug from partnership, you know, and so now we so In a conscious relationship, we have two people that come together and say, okay I have this need and you have this need. So how can we help each other? Yeah, so what you just described though, I'm gonna say is ninja level awareness I'm Explain why I say this because you know, it's one thing we were talking, huh, it's so true No, I well, it's really that I mean I'm being sincere here You know in the sense that you know, we can look at the scene with Jennifer Aniston and her need for support Okay, and we just talked about that now in her awareness. She wasn't thinking of it or she wasn't able to articulate it She was just directing her Frustration at what he wasn't doing but she wasn't identifying what she needed. So hold on a second if this is I know I know it really does seem ninja level and you know when those feelings When when you're at a boiling point first of all when we explode and I do it too, you know We get to that point of like just blowing up. It's because there has been a chronic period of unmet needs Okay, okay, okay when there's a when there's a long period of unresolved Resentment and unmet needs. It's just like boom the little littlest thing will happen And then it's just really hard to rein that in and have that awareness So this is something for everyone to be aware of if you're you know It check in with yourself regularly like am I getting my needs met? Is there something irritating me? Is there something that I need to express and then it's a matter of training ourselves instead of saying do this or why don't you? As soon as we get those using the word to you, you know, we stop and we reframe that into I feel I Feel I feel so Feel especially for ladies start with I feel always start with I feel Sabrina are you staying are you saying to pause when we get triggered during conflict? Yes That was something I needed but it used to trigger my partner in the past that I needed time to process things first Okay, the reason it triggers your partner is because he's anxious, right? You're abandoning me, you know, don't abandon me, right? So and some of us we like especially and I relate to your partner because I was raised in a very volatile Italian family where there was a lot of yelling and a lot of chaos and so that felt normal, right? Yeah, and so there was and there were no boundaries So for those of us that are raised with anxious attachment style someone else asking for space can feel like a real threat Can oh god Yeah, it can be can feel like like a matter of life or death, you know So so when you're when you when you're triggered always pause but communicate your need for space with compassion and empathy Yeah, you can't just say leave me alone, you know, that doesn't work as far as feeling good We understand the request we can understand because you know, we all we're speaking the same language I understand what leave me alone means but when you're not saying it from a place of like look I I know that you need reassurance and I know that we're not in a good place right now But I really need some a few minutes to go and process my feelings before I can be in my heart I will be back like that changes the whole game, right? So so I think you know we talked about this I had a mother who And I mean like my furthest memory back goes to probably age Six or seven where whenever she was mad at one of us in the house So it could have been my father my brother my sister or I whenever she was mad at one of us She stonewalled all of us. I mean she would not communicate and There were times and so I took it as always my fault, you know, like she's I did something wrong and I sent you a video the other day remember it was that little tick-tock video of where responses from You're dating someone they send you a response like okay And then the anxious person says you're mad at me and they say hello You're mad at me and then you see the little three dot lines. You're mad at me like yeah This is what an anxious person goes through. So I just I recognize that and I'm just sharing that with everyone But I want to come back to something. Yeah Ninja level awareness coming back to that is not only your own stuff But then to be able to go that next level and go okay, my partner is sitting watching video games I'm gonna try to assess what's what their need is and then to be able like you're not asking them what their need is You're literally being able to go. Okay. He doesn't want to do this. He's playing video games It's quite possible that maybe he's just oh, you know that overworked from work or Needs to unwind. That's his need going on like I don't believe most humans have the capacity To be this ninja level in their awareness. We have the capacity. Listen. Oh, okay. Good point We have the capacity all the things that we've invented in the world I mean, you know and fly across the country. We can have the capacity to pause when triggered and go Because I have a need for that like, you know, I want to give the human race a little more credit You know, okay, okay. I'm a pessimist No, you know what? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's just a matter of willingness Because here's the thing Yeah, to be a conscious person and to recognize when you're triggered and pause and to want to stay in your heart and stay in a Loving dialogue and all you really want to do is tear the person's head off takes a willingness to forego that Whatever that juicy payoff is makes sense is to lash out feels good, but it only feels good temporarily Yeah, never walks away from lashing out saying I'm so glad I did that We all walk away from lashing out feeling man. I really wish I would have handled that better I really wish I really wish I would have said that you know with more compassion and more empathy Or that really wasn't who I that's not who I want to be in the world, right? You know, we all have those moments, right? And so it's really important to be able to to understand that there there's a there's almost like You know, there's like a craving like a temptation to want to lash out and to want to yell and to want to just Let all your feelings up because it feels good to let out the feelings that have been that have been building up Yeah, I've been stuffed. Yeah, we need that release like there is a part of you, you know that just wants Freedom from all those pent-up energies and now it's just so so you know, there's nothing That's why you know in the work that we do and as you know from from working with me There's nothing wrong with being angry. There's nothing wrong with inside but your feelings are valid, right? We want to honor those feelings and give them space We just want to be able to express them in a way that doesn't cause damage to our environment, right? Including most right want to be responsible with the way we handle our anger I can relate to in the scene with the breakup. I can hopefully everyone seen the movie I can relate to the scene, you know where Jennifer Anderson is like frustrated like I'm doing the dishes and you're playing video games Why aren't you helping me? You know and and so the that build up a frustration of feeling like you don't have support That's just a matter of like first of all owning the fact that you know There's a reason for most of us, you know And I'm one of these people are at least I have been in most of my relationships where you know You take on doing everything by yourself all the time Yeah, and this just becomes a part of who you are and and it doesn't have to be that way, you know And so you can pause and and and say, you know, this is what my need is Would you be willing to help me get my needs met is very different than please do the dishes, right? Yeah, yeah By the way a comment says I wish they would teach emotional awareness in school I think we would live in very different world. Everything would be different, you know I want to retract something I said earlier because my mother was the pessimist by the way, so I have this kind of innate pessimism and I'm really working on shifting to optimism and and shifting to the awareness that we all have this capacity and one of the things I did years ago was I studied the course in miracles and And and I bring this up because the way I interpret a miracle is when we can shift a perspective from You know from, you know, anger hate fear to love whenever we shift to love That's actually to some extent a miracle when we can when we can get out of that state of anger or Frustration or contempt for another person and just take that pause Remember to lean back into love and operate from that place of love And I believe that the more we practice more that this is practiced The stronger a couple will be and for the record for everyone watching in my last significant relationship I have a propensity I can go a day or two without cleaning the kitchen I mean I could live with it a day or two But my partner that was something really important that every night that the kitchen was left clean So you wake up in the morning to a clean kitchen which the irony was I was the one to wake up an hour or two earlier Anyway, and I liked waking up to a clean kitchen, too So I did it not because I was told to do mommy scolding or anything like that I also believe in a conscious partnership You want to do the things that make your partner happy like You know, it's not that big of a deal to take five minutes to do something Especially if you don't means the world to the person that you're with yeah Exactly, especially if you know it means the world to the person and and sadly in the movie the breakup They ended their relationship because a they had gone so long with too many unresolved Issues many unmet needs Okay, even better at least better stated And and I believe this happens I was watching a pretty well-known divorce attorney and he said the exact same thing when you have too many He didn't use unword and met needs. He said conflicts and and issues in your relationship But when they go too long, it's all it's it's a shame for one thing But it's almost too difficult to go back So I implore everyone who watched my channel the reason why I'm bringing on is This should be big like that woman who led with I you know talking about her Be you know introspective if we can lead with awareness We can avoid a lot of those potholes or landmines later on down the road. Yeah, of course Well, and you know the fact of the matter is is that you're gonna play out what you were exposed to as a child You know, that's you know, you just said I'm a pessimist and then you retracted yourself and said Actually, my mother was the pessimist, right? Like but you felt you saw her play that out And so you took that on, you know, and yeah extension of you. And so we always inherit the we we imitate our parents and we inherit values and we inherit their beliefs and we inherit their behaviors and their Dispositions and they're you know, they're little Ways of operating and you know, I see my mother in me sometimes or you know, I can see we know If I'm in a place of reaction and so I'm like, oh, there's my mom, you know, but there's awareness makes sense And so it's a matter of really Just knowing yourself Just knowing yourself, you know, we're so busy Trying to get people to love us, you know in the world of dating I mean, of course, I'm speaking to you know, your audience specifically where we can be so busy Trying to get people to love us and trying to get people to be interested in us and trying to make sure that no one ever leaves us That we don't necessarily do the real work of getting to know who we are like getting What do I really need right? What's really important to me? Like, you know, can I be in partnership with someone who's not you know, interested in helping me clean the house or interested in helping me Whatever the the scenario is You know, it's just, you know, it It's about really knowing yourself and then when you know yourself and you know what you're you decide what you're committed to What do you do? Are you committed to just being angry and in reaction and volatile and being someone who loses their their temper? Are you committed to being someone who shows up in love? If you're committed to being someone who shows up in love it requires some work to be that person. Yeah Practice it's like I want to be I don't know. I want to be the next bodybuilder or whatever That's going to require some discipline and require the the development of certain muscles, right? And so it's like anything else if you want to show up in love you have to learn to do the work to be in love Yeah, okay, so really quickly that I've beautifully stated by the way Beautifully stated really quickly for those who have questions for Sabrina and I if you have a question In the chat box because we are live write the word question and post the question there after Or you can purchase the super sticker super chat all the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund In the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother collin He's my son who passed away a few years ago in his honor We donate to causes like the hopman process insight institute and also scholarships to coaching as well So just hit that little dollar sign our goal tonight is 50 dollars So give us some love today if you appreciate Sabrina. I'd love to donate To some of those causes. We do have a question that just came in from power of chi Sabrina why do sexless marriages happen and how can they be fixed? Oh boy, uh, they don't just happen They they develop I believe unless, you know, you started out that way in which case, you know, you have to ask yourself Why did I choose to enter into a marriage where I was already not getting my needs met, you know Um, so there's that if the if a marriage becomes sexless Um, then there's obviously first of all not having sex is meeting a need for somebody in the relationship Okay, and so usually people stop connecting intimately because they stop feeling safe Yeah You know, they stop sharing they stop connecting they stop, you know Being physical or wanting physical connection because they there's there is a deep unmet need Which usually points to not feeling safe in the relationship anymore Well, could it be biological though? I mean, yeah, there could be a million reasons. It's a very gentle question But yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm an emotional perspective. I would say that there's this connection There's a lack of intimacy for some reason and so, you know I mean if you have a partner for example, that might be going through something physical Maybe it's a hormonal thing or there's, you know, uh, there are some physical challenges that lead to a low drive Or just low, you know, no mojo for whatever reason or perhaps real legitimate medical reasons And obviously we know that that's what's going on I think that the most important thing is to talk about it, you know to talk about it Like, you know, there's a lot of conversation is required in order to make relationships You know, stay connected stay alive and and you know, stand the test of time Right and so again, I'm you know, I feel like I just keep repeating myself But it's really just about advocating for your needs if you have a need for sex and sex is not, you know The need sex is a strategy for connection. Let's be clear. Okay So there's a there's a strategy to feel connected to feel close to feel bonded to have an expression of love And if that need is not being met, then, you know, I invite you to vocalize that and see where your partner stands and helping you Get that need met Okay, good We got another one from anka Anika, excuse me. Are you saying To use the word I feel first during conflict opposed to pointing out to what the person did Thousand percent don't ever point person did don't ever do that Pointing out what the person did is surely to get you into a bigger fight than you hoped for Yeah, what's the title of this video? This causes men to pull away avoid this common mistake You know, nobody wants to be nagged bossed pushed around It commanded or told or diminished or any of those things right when we tell people what you did You know, there's an automatic defensive response to that right and so we were talking about walls in the beginning And walls is self-protection and if I attack you if I say you did this, you know Then automatically my your walls come up and you're in defense mode and you can't be in your heart You can't hear me. You can't see the pain that I'm in you can't meet me in love You can't put your arms around me and say I'm so sorry you feel that way. Let me let me help You know, let me give you some empathy Tell me what's really going on, you know, because you're you're feeling attacked and when people are feeling it They don't want to give empathy So never tell a person what they did wrong You can talk about what you did later when things are calm, you know You can see hey when you did that I felt this or when this happened I felt that when things are calm when emotions are high Take a deep deep deep belly breath and pause and ask for space. Ask for it lovingly, you know Storming away is not helpful, especially for those of us that are anxious And so, you know, you want to make sure that your partner understands that you're coming back and that you know The love is there. It's just a matter of needing some time to process And and you know, do the work that you need to do to process your feelings responsibly so that you can be in your heart One of uh Someone commented last week on one of my videos and we were just talking about this exact same thing By the way, everybody, if you have not read the book non-violent communication by marshal Rosenberg I highly recommend it all the books I recommend are listed below under jonathan recommend book But what this woman said was um, she uses nvc in When there's a conflict with her and her partner, but what she does is she takes her top off She when she expresses her needs She says I get always is undivided attention And I thought it was kind of cute, but in some ways the levity was she's already kind of Honoring just in the sense a little bit of levity. It's like look, I'm gonna talk about something uncomfortable, but I want to make it fun at the same time for you Honoring her as long as she's honoring herself while she's doing nothing wrong with it You know what I mean? Yeah Like we don't want to create this idea that the only way to get take it to to be heard is to be is to is to provoke sexual arousal Right that idea either as long as it's as you said is it if in the spirit of fun and levity and you're keeping it light and you know You just want to um You know try to just bring some playfulness to your interaction. That's okay as long as everyone's getting their needs met Yeah, actually there was I went to a couple's uh, um group Therapy and and one of the one of the couples what they do is when they have conflict They actually turn to each other's backs. They bend down and look between their legs to communicate to one another Uh, you know again, it was like a fun playful way to shift the energy and that's what that was about So anyway, let's keep going here Paltry flowers has a question do all men pull away by nature and should we be concerned? I don't think men or women necessarily pull away by nature. I think I think pulling away is a coping mechanism that everybody does male or female And it's a coping mechanism that we use when we feel Uh threatened Yeah, when we feel unsafe, you know, this is the recurring recurring theme, right? So people out and they don't show up in love and when we're feeling threatened and we're ultimately we're feeling unsafe And pulling away happens when we're when we feel like there's no room for us. We don't feel heard We don't feel like uh engaged or emotionally connected Uh, we feel nagged You know, I I will I will tell you that one other reason why I think it was particular because she did address men I think in the early stage of dating one of the reasons why men pull away Um, and and it could be temporary. It could be you know permanent is that we especially when we Been physically intimate with someone I think it's somewhat almost natural to pull away because we don't want to create a promise We can't keep in other words. There's almost this implied the minute you're physically intimate. There's this implied For the rest of your life kind of thing Well, and the Is real, you know, the oxytocin is real. So when you when you have sex with somebody You're mate. You're bonding with that person whether your mind wants to or not And so this is very important for people as you're dating and you know We're talking about men pulling away in the early stages as you said Jonathan Make sure that when you are at that stage that you've already had all the conversations You need to have in order to feel safe and you've established trust And you know that you both want the same things and you're working towards the same things Like don't have sex with somebody who doesn't want what you want because you're just setting yourself up for The pain of that abandonment, which is something that happened in your childhood, right? We just set ourselves to that that same experience I think men pull away too and you know, I'm not a man Jonathan So you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think sometimes men pull away because they aren't necessarily ready for Or they think they're ready for the emotional intimacy But something happens in the emotional intimacy that triggers them You know and you know, I I think men have a really hard time with being vulnerable and allowing them to be vulnerable And you know feeling like they have to be in a certain place in life in order to engage in partnership in order to engage with women So there's it's very complex what happens for men, you know when there is emotional connection and so I think it's important to to um To just you know Understand that that's what what could be happening, you know And and I'll get to know the guy Get really get to know because you can you can answer all of these questions, you know for yourself before you sleep with anybody No, I I I'm fully aware part of the reason why I coach what I do is because I was the guy I remember in particularly I was in a relation one of my my first relationship after my divorce and three months in I hit this wall of them. I this was like the max I could go emotionally Like I mean, I remember it like vividly I like I hit this wall and I realized that this relationship is going to require a lot more emotional investment and commitment and I hit my wall and I You know and I I was I didn't I did not ghost I I mean I had a hard time articulating it And so I did the whole it's not you it's me kind of thing But I didn't really articulate what was going on because at that time in my life almost 20 years ago I didn't know myself You know coming back to the conversation you had earlier Both you as a coach and what I do as a coach is really fundamentally is know thyself And particularly understand what your desires are in the romantic relationship So you can ask all those pre qualifying questions before you're physically intimate What you do is help someone know thyself from your behaviors your patterns your limiting beliefs the things that block you And and expose those in a way that you can be more open instead of those walls that we talk about So and and know thyself really know thyself in that capacity To be able to go. Oh, this is the need that's not being met. Okay. I can just simply express it this way Oh, he's not getting his need met. Let's talk about this and find our resolution Yeah Hey, I've got more questions. Yeah, please. We've got more questions. Excuse me. Yes, I have a very from gg I have a very full active happy life most guys I meet expect the female to adapt their lifestyle Dreams and goals. How does a woman navigate this not to give away her sovereignty? Oh, that's a great question. Yeah, I agree Yeah, so, you know the first thing that feels like it's up for That's being threatened when we go into partnership, especially if you're an established person and you love your life and you're, you know, independent Is the fear of giving up your sovereignty, you know, and and our I would say our autonomy is Is that one of is like high top five Top five of on the list of needs of human needs Right our need for autonomy the need to be able to do things as we want them to do as we want to do them To make our own decisions to have the freedom to come and go So this is a really really important value You know the best way to do this is to set boundaries Right, I mean we have to learn to set boundaries who no matter how wonderful the relationship is or how great the connection is You know, there's something that's triggered in us that says, oh, you know I'm going to go along with this in order to keep the relationship You know notice if that's happening for you notice if there's a tendency to want to lose yourself To for the sake of maintaining the relationship and that's where the cue for inner work comes in And sitting with yourself and doing that inner child work and saying well I'm going to advocate for my needs and I'm going to set a boundary And if it works for this guy great, and if it doesn't work for this guy, then I already know it's not a fit Right, and so you don't go you don't have to agree with what you don't agree with and you don't have to Go along with the things that don't feel that don't resonate for you just for the sake of the relationship Because the relationship is already doomed if you're doing that So one of the things I do and I'm in full agreement of everything you just shared and and one of the things I do is In my coaching is in this know thyself Is really evaluate your lifestyle And then when you're talking to someone really kind of evaluate their lifestyle to say Do our lifestyles even have the capacity to blend because I've heard this from women coming back to this question Women operate from the propensity. Well, if we love each other, we'll just magically make it work out Well, like magic fairy dust doesn't change In compatibility for them. I mean, yeah, I mean I magic fairy does doesn't work doesn't change And that for me is magic fairy dust when you believe that okay, well and and then what I think what happens in that narrative I want to say sorry. I'm cutting you off. Go ahead. Go ahead. No, go ahead Love is not enough Yeah Just not like loving someone has nothing to do with the tools you need in order to Sustain love to maintain the love to allow the love to continue to evolve and flourish and grow Love is like the seed right and the tools are the garden and you know And so we have to have the right tools in order for love to flourish and to blossom and then to become You know fully self-expressed. So just loving someone I mean, you know, I appreciate the sentiment But that's never going to resolve anything if you don't have communication skills If you don't have self-awareness If you don't have the ability to pause if you can't take responsibility for your part If you don't know how to clean up your side of the street, I mean love is not going to save you You know, well, and I want to I want to I was actually I was actually Contemplating this idea just two days ago And again, I'm pigeonholing women and I'm not I'm saying it as a generalization Coming back to the woman who talked about giving up her sovereignty I believe there's a narrative that a lot of women have adopted that if we love each other we can make it work Men don't operate that way men are pragmatic. So this is the way I operate in life Take it or leave it is kind of the way men tend to be I'm not saying that as an absolute So if you're so recognize that within man within a man And say, okay. Well, if we're going to engage in this relationship, let's think of how this would work like this Instead of I have to adopt to you kind of thing and have that awareness coming back to know thyself before you ever engage with someone Okay, we have a question onica was generous enough to give us a ten dollar super sticker. Thank you so much And she writes the question What about something that is perpetual problem and there is a consistent conflict around it? Is this a deal breaker? Possibly Yeah If look if there is an unmet need that consistently goes unmet Look and you you don't know if your partner is willing to meet your need or not or help you get your needs met Unless you start vocalizing it once you start advocating in nonviolent ways and say, you know I really have this need for whatever it is support connection Communication transparency honesty integrity gentleness empathy whatever your need is I can go on And if your partner is Here's you and says, okay. I hear that and I want to help you get your need met But it is consistently falling short Then you know, then you know, you're in a relationship where you're not going to be able to get that need met So then it's up to you to decide and I you know, the only reason I've said this so many times to all of my couples and to And to myself too The only reason to ever leave a relationship is because you're not you know 100% that you're not going to be able to get your needs met Yeah, you know, it's interesting. I I think one of the consistent Needs that seem to be lacking in so many couples is And and let's just I'm gonna generalize this but this can go, you know um men who tend to be emotionally non-expressive and the woman desires verbal Validation and acknowledgement and Reassurance and by the way, this can go the other way too. It doesn't have to be singular the men and women But I just noticed this is the pattern that and and And I think and and I've heard men say well, I can't give you what you need You know the minute you hear that from someone That's not a that's not a That's not code for just dig your heels deeper kind of thing. That is like real Moment to say if this person can't meet my needs then do I really want I either have to accept that person the way it is They are making an exception or you're getting Those are your options. You're either making an exception to live without this need being met Find a different way to meet it. Maybe instead of getting someone to help you with the dishes You get a clean lady. You know what I mean or something Our strategy is you can put in place like and I really want to make sure people understand that like there There are things there are certain needs in a partnership or you're just like, you know what? This is never going to happen. But all this other stuff is amazing, right? Well, I can I make an exception here Can I make an exception here and find a different strategy to help me meet this need? Because that will make everything else great You know Perfect, right? Wonderful as long as everyone is getting their needs met. We're all happy, right? We have another question, but I want to share a quick story I have a dear friend who's an astrologer Vedic astrologer and she tells the story about her and her husband. She told me this story She shared it publicly How she kind of likes to when she want when she goes to a party She's always the last person to leave kind of person She's like the entertaining bubbly, you know likes to socialize and her husband's a more of a person that likes to stay at home And not go and socialize him and they have two different personalities and she loves them dearly and they struggled with this for years And then finally he said, you know what? We own two automobiles I'll go to a party with you because I know you want me there, right? But I'm gonna only stay one hour Will that be enough for you that I'll go to this but even though I don't really want to go I'll go for an hour We'll drive separate cars and then I can come back home and you can stay as late as you want And they found a way to compromise even though she wanted him to be there the entire night and he wanted to stay at home This is how they think there's a way It's when you sit down when you're aware of what your needs are, you know You can sit down and come up with strategies that that turn into agreements, right? Yeah Okay cat is in the house and she says question. There is someone who Was in my life for three years. I broke it off several years ago, but I'm still Attached to him Why do I still feel so connected to him? You know this one Sabrina? Well, I mean, um There could be I didn't mean to apply you know that personally. I just meant you I Listen, there could be a million reasons number one. You haven't grieved the relationship fully, right? You haven't fully grieve the relationship There could be something About you that you withheld in the relationship. Perhaps there's something that you need to come clean with or forgive yourself for you know, sometimes when we leave a relationship in a way that that I could have done this differently or I should have done that differently or we leave with regrets We need to resolve those within ourselves, you know to let go of those attachments um And a lot of times, you know The other thing that can happen and these all these things can happen At the same time is we also tend to romanticize Relationships that have gone by, you know, especially if we haven't found the next person or the next, you know Situation to to you know fall in love or the next person to fall in love with um, you know, we can romanticize what we've what we've left let go of and so There's all of those things could apply So I invite you to sit with those questions and say, you know, is there something unresolved for me, right? Do I you know, there's something I need to forgive myself for have I fully grieve the relationship? Have I fully accepted that it's over, you know, am I willing to accept that it's over? um, and you know in some cases perhaps there's a there's a need to reconnect whether it's just to Get it just have closure, right? So so all of these things can apply You know, I would have to go deeper into the conversation to find out what's really going on But my sense, you know, is that there hasn't been a full grieving process. Yeah. Yeah Okay Let's go to suanne. Thank you for that one You know suanne has I have been watching the stoic I think it's philosopher I have uh learned to take a breath and not react to my emotions I have learned to reframe my thinking to come from a place of love. How do I learn more? Well, you can always schedule consultation with me Oh, by the way, since you just mentioned that folks that I didn't even mention this earlier By the way, there will be a link below in the in the show notes and also the first comment If you want to connect with sabrina go to her website. You can schedule. You can learn about her coaching She is a fantastic coach. Um Thank you. I have a thought on this one sabrina, please So, you know, when I think of the stoic philosopher when I think of stoicism when I think of a lot of people that really work on regulating their emotions I actually wonder If they have if they're not actually releasing the emotion Or repressing the emotion while it might seem stoic to Stuff that emotion and not react and I'm certainly I don't believe we should react to others, you know, we can go on the bedroom and scream You know, I mean there are other ways, but I wonder if stoicism or that that controlling of emotion All that does is continually repress it because It looked, you know, there is a word that I love, you know, I love is my favorite word in the English language and I make I You know, it's Part of my mission is to make it a a trending word is equanimity. Yeah, I was gonna say it starts with the knee equanimity is about being even keeled and having composure Regardless of what's happening around you, you know It's being being able to weather the storm and just stay calm and centered And and that doesn't mean not feeling right? It means feeling the full range of your emotions. It takes work to get there Right. We've got to feel first, you know, the reaction happens and there's the explosion There's the big feelings that come up. You know, you can see it in little children They don't have the ability to self-regulate right so they have a little reaction and they blow up You know, you can and so we do that as adults too Except we have some we've learned over time coping skills that keep us safe in relationship Or that are more pleasing to the people around us And so we learn, you know, we have this now we have this idea of stoicism, right? Like you never want to suppress how you feel You always want to sit and process your emotions whether that's going for a long walk or having a good cry Or talking to a trusted friend or talking to someone who can really hold space for you That's not emotionally involved in what you're going through You know, you got would you need to be able to feel your feelings and then come back to that center And it's through the practice of allowing those feelings to pass through you just like water And let it pass through you through that practice over time. We become more equanimous, right? We become more equanimous and we're able to be okay I mean, that's a big what that's a 10 cent word equanimous Equanimous is the verb of equanimity, right? Yeah, I was gonna say I thought it was a Yeah, so so that's you know, we can be more equanimous with with our environment and that takes practice It just takes practice if you have a regular this is what I teach in my programs If you have a regular practice that you do if you have an exercise to help you regulate your feelings Then you're practicing it on a regular basis. That doesn't mean you're not going to explode You know happens to the best of us But the awareness around it is so much more available is so much more present And we're able to quickly Step into that place of equanimity and and take responsibility for for our part Um really quickly. I don't think you and I have ever spoken about this, but I'm kind of curious What are your thoughts on somatic therapy emotional release work getting it out of your body that sort of thing I think the body is where the healing happens. Yeah The body we can talk we can talk we can have it. I mean, I'm an intuitive guide So I have conversations all the time and you know, my job is to help pull things out of people out of the conscious Things that you're not aware of and and yet and we can have awareness, right? This helps with awareness But the real processing as you know from having worked with me happens when we're doing the deep breathing Right the breath work and the crying and the releasing. Yes. Yeah, the learning to self sooth Uh, the healing happens in the body. Yeah, okay. That's where trauma is stored. So Okay, sunny pie has a question. We're gonna be wrapping up in about five minutes I am friends with a guy I have a huge crush on He knows and he doesn't want to spend time with me till my feelings are gone He's pushing me away. Why does he care if I like him or not? Because your feelings make him uncomfortable That's all You know, I and listen if you have a huge crush on someone who doesn't like you back who doesn't He's not reciprocal in those feelings. That can be very painful I can be very well and it can be as painful for the person who is not It doesn't feel the same way, right who just likes you as a friend As you know as it can be for you And so my advice would be to take space take space from that relationship You know that the feelings are unrequited So, you know take time to go and love yourself and honor yourself and and you know, perhaps move on, right? That doesn't mean you can't be friends But it sounds like there needs to be some time for those feelings to settle down before a real authentic friendship can develop Well, I would I would think unrequited love is I mean if let's take it even a step further There's um, there's probably a deep childhood wound There that really needs some excavation Um, because I would suspect, you know, it's it's a significant unmet need from childhood That caused us to so attached to somebody that we haven't even physically engaged with, you know in this And she said crush right so I'm But I'm taking it a step further, you know with that but um, no 100 percent if you find yourself obsessing or you know Having a really strong attached feelings for someone who's not emotionally available to you that is, you know Right to your parental relationships. Who was the aloof one? Who was the one that was emotionally unavailable? You know, that's where the that's where the work is and that's where it is. Yeah Um, okay, we've got a couple more really quickly onica says I love the word equanimity very aligned with that power of cheese says equanimity Oh my god You spelled it correctly I don't know how to pronounce it properly. Um, I want to say platypus Because it sounds like an animal Um, maureen says what would be a healthy time to grieve a 10 year relationship that is over You will know your body will tell you when the grieving is done You know, if you're doing deep work and you're really intentional with your process And you're giving yourself space to feel all your feelings and to really, you know Be in that process of releasing and letting go you'll know, you know I mean some of us everybody is different, right? Like I tend to process things fairly quickly, you know Other people can process, you know, may take longer. It really just depends Think keep in mind that whatever you are healing from In this current time in your life, whatever is present for you Is also triggering all of the same unresolved emotions that are similar that have happened throughout the entire life You know, so you can be grieving one breakup, but you think you're grieving one breakup But you're actually grieving all of your breakups, right? You think you're grieving, you know, the death of one person, but you're actually grieving everything you've ever lost, right? So it's really important to have this context and say, okay, when I'm grieving I'm actually grieving loss that sense of loss and that sense of loss can show up in so many different places So just give yourself the time that you need that your body will know and you'll know in your heart when you're ready to move on Or when you when you feel lighter and you feel more open to love So I'm going to end on this quick little story and you might get a kick out of it But this was after my divorce and I was in a 12 year marriage and we were going through a divorce And I was and I immediately went online dating like I mean I was like because I had this You know, I went from being married and being in a home with everyone to all by myself And I literally wanted to fill the void that was happened in my life And I remember about five months in I wrote this woman and she said how long you've been divorced? I said well, technically I'm separated for five months and she wrote me back and said Reach out to me in two years after you've had one or two transition relationships And and I was like I'm like no. No. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm ready And then earlier I did share I shared the story about the woman. I had my first relationship in three months in I hit my wall What fascinated me was two years later. I saw that same woman online And I wrote her and I said Wow, you were so accurate Yeah, she's been there she's been there Yeah, you know, it does take time it takes time Especially, you know, unless you're someone who's you know, super committed to your inner work and your inner process and you You know, you have someone holding space for you and you know that you are Oh, good. I love this conversation too, Anika. Um, so you have someone, you know, that that's there for you to like Help you see the things that you can't see like unless you're super rigorous with your grieving process and Uh, it takes time. It takes time. So just everyone have questions with yourself All right, this is the last question of the night. I'll allow you to read it Oh, are you and your boyfriend still together? Yes, we are Remind everybody his name All right, so how are you and bow doing you moved in together officially since our last video Yes, we moved in together and you know, we are we are experiencing the ups and downs of living together of being a couple and we're practicing non-violent communication and expressing our needs and Uh giving each other space and we're also a blended family So we have three small kids as you know together to to create the space for so, uh, there's a we're moving a lot of energy together And you know, I have to say that we do it 90% of the time. We're really gracefully and with so much love Yeah, well, you know, there's it and to some extent I think And we talked about this you and I you know when we're autonomous beings in in whether we're taking care of children or not Um, the minute we partner with someone. I mean, that's a whole new entity I mean we're we're individually there's a you there's a me, but then there's a collective we right And and it there's an adjustment period to go from your own sovereign space that autonomy and And to really partner with someone and I I I just observe very few people do it with consciousness The two of you the way I've observed the two of you I talk to you I find out things because I'm curious Yeah, the two of you do it with consciousness. You do it with Conversation there, you know, there there's nothing off the table and you deal with it right away Go with it right away. Sometimes our relationship can feel like one big long therapy section You know, I mean I'm a facilitator bow is a facilitator, you know, we are both seers. We're both guides So sometimes we, you know, we we actually need to take breaks from like looking into each other and You know pointing certain things out and we do it with love and we do it because we both want to grow, you know And become better people and we know that that's what the relationship is serving So we actually set that as an intention when we got together, you know So and and anybody can do that You don't have to be a facilitator a healer a therapist to have these tools anybody can acquire these tools You can read the books. You can work with a guide um, you know, you can take responsibility for the quality of your state and and find somebody who wants to grow with you Don't find somebody to date find somebody who wants to grow with you It's so wait a minute. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Someone write that down. Wait. Wait wait find Someone who wants to grow with you Not someone To date. I love that I'm gonna I'm gonna tweak I misspelled it some instead of some I said find some who wants to grow with you not date not somewhat Uh, do you mind if I quote you on that and create a little meme out of that? I will like it and I will share it It's uh Sabrina This was a lot of fun. It's always good to connect with you. It's good to connect with you too. Thank you so much I needed this today too. So okay good So really quickly. I know tell them where they can reach you and I'm again, I'll put links there as well Sure, you can find me at intuitive sabrina.com. That's my website. You can find me on instagram. It's into at intuitive sabrina And you can find me right here on youtube. All right. Well, can I reach into the camera and give you a big gigantic johnson? Yes, please. Thank you Well, good to be here. Thank you for guiding and such a beautiful conversation and for a lot to share And be here. Well, thank you. I want to thank sunny pie and maureen and julie and Cheryl and lighthouse and onica and uh, let's see suanne and vicki and certainly, um Jody and power of chi and everyone who uh, onica because you donated. Thanks so much Everyone big hugs. Have a wonderful day. Be well fine or evening. Be well