 Craft presents the Great Gildersleeve. Each week at this time from Hollywood, California, Craft presents Harold Perry as the Great Gildersleeve, written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gildersleeve in just a moment. But first, is your family the hard-working, hard-playing kind? Of course, most of us are these days. Increased effort is expected of every one of us. And that's why plenty of wholesome, nourishing energy food is so vitally important. The kind of food that replaces the energy we use up every day. Well, one of the best energy food you can serve is delicious parquet marjoram, made by Craft. Yes, parquet marjoram is an economical source of nourishment and energy your whole family needs. You'll be glad to know too that every pound of parquet contains 9,000 units of important vitamin A. What more parquet marjoram is so downright good-tasting, your family will eat all they need. Yes, parquet marjoram's delicate, satisfying flavor is sure to make a hit, whether you serve it at the table or use it for baking and pan-frying. So why not give your family the benefits of this delicious, nourishing food and start serving them parquet marjoram tomorrow? Yes, when you order, ask your dealer for parquet. T-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the great gilder slave. Attic? In the attic, yes. What about it, Leroy? Well, look what I found. Album? Oh, is that so? Any pictures of me in it? Ah, there. You're number one of a poor parade. Yes. Leroy. May I look at it, uncle? Sure, am I? Should we go ahead if you want to? Thanks. Oh, look at this one. Huh? What a beautiful babe. Say, who is she? Well, if you must know, she's me. You mean you didn't always have that mustache? Yes, well, not as a little shaver. Turn the page, my tree. Oh, forgot about that one in the little Lord Bontleroy outfit, which I had those beautiful curls today. For corn's sake, look the lace on your pants. Leroy, at that age, did I know what I was doing? Oh, uncle. Look, here's one while you're a little older. With two pretty little rabbits. Oh, yes, my rabbits. Those are my pets. I called them Flopsy and Mopsy. I intended to raise them and make enough money to pay my way through college. What happened, uncle Mort? Nothing. I paid two bucks for those rabbits. What was the matter? That was it. Two bucks. And this picture? Yes, it's tight, weren't they? When people saw me wearing them, they just split. Oh, the people in the pants. Yes. First the pants, then the people. This is a picture taken not so long ago. How can you tell? Uncle Mort is almost as fat as he is now. Leroy, the bathing suit he's wearing. Yes, that suit was all wool in the yard wide. What's that thing you're eating, uncle? Let me see. Eating? Oh, I wasn't eating anything. I was just blowing up my water wing. Hey, I feel kind of chilly. Birdie, shut the front door. Okay, that sucks. Oh, probably the change in the weather. Don't take care of it, children. I was a couple, Birdie, but no wonder that door is stuck. There's a man's foot caught inside. I know that, and he refuses to take it out. Oh, well, let him in. He's probably a visitor. There's no visitors. There's salesmen. Salesmen? How do you know? Because the hot air is coming from the outside inside. Oh. Mr. Get your foot out of this door, because we ain't in the market for nothing. Well, let me handle it now, Birdie. I'll brush him off quickly. Now, don't you go buying any foolish, stuff like you did last time. That perfume was nothing but water. How did you know, Birdie? Did you open the bottle? No, sir, but the salesmen come around in the back and I bought some myself. Well, you run along back to the kitchen. I'll get rid of this chap. Yes, sir. Ah, good afternoon. My company is introducing a new cigar. I don't want to. And I'm giving out a few boxes to discriminating judges of tobacco as free sample. Oh, free? Well, let's step in out of the cold, sir. Here, let me help you with those big, heavy boxes. Thank you. You're such a little fellow. I was always considered quite an authority on good cigars. What's the name of this new brand? Mr. These are the genuine made in Havana, aged in the woods, soaked in the New England Maple Syrup La Rumba Panatella Cigars. Once you get the La Rumba habit, you can't shake it. Well, they certainly sound good. Oh, and they smell good, too. Now, just sample the delicious aroma. Go ahead. Let your nose run riot. Oh. Let me see. Ah, ah. Oh. Clears the head, doesn't it? Practically clears the room. I'm afraid these are rather strong for me, young man. Oh, yeah. And after you've smoked a few, you'll be strong for them. I'll have to be, to be. Now, in consideration for advertising these wonderful cigars among your friends, we make absolutely no charge for them. Oh, you don't. Well, with Christmas coming on and everything, I think I could manage to get rid of five or ten boxes for you. Oh, splendid, splendid. I might add that while we make absolutely no charge for the cigars themselves, we ask you to pay for cellophane, band, and the box. That's only to be expected, of course. Oh. Yeah. What does that amount to? Oh, I hate to even mention it. So do I, but go ahead. Well, let me see. Four and two. Four and two. Well, that comes to a total of a dollar and ninety-eight cents per box. A dollar and ninety-eight? Well, is that all? Oh, gosh, I forgot taxes. What's the matter with me? Shall I tell you? But you wouldn't expect us to lose money now, would you? Oh, no. I'd hate myself if you lost money. How much are the taxes? Only fifty cents a box. Now are you taking five or ten boxes? Well, come to think of it. I don't know an awful lot of people here in Summerfield. Hardly more than a box full. Well, now our company doesn't think it's worthwhile to send me all the way out here on a cold afternoon for just one box, Mr. I'm afraid that at least they'll let me give away free to you is four boxes. No, thanks. Maybe I'll take more the next time you come around. Mr., with these cigars, there won't be no next time around. Well, for the most I could accept it is two boxes. Well, I can't force you to take more. All right. Here's your two free boxes. Now that'll be four ninety-six. Yeah, that's down to ninety-eight plus two boxes. Four ninety-six. Yes, you're right. I was always good on arithmetic. You're very generous, really. Here's a five dollar bill. Oh, thank you. Now, quite just a second. You've got some change coming. Four cents. Four cents. There's lots of silver here, but no pennies. Oh, that's all right. You could forget it. Oh, no, no, no. I'll get it for you somehow. Oh, here we are. Your change. Your one-cent stamp and three sticks of chewing gum. Goodbye. Oh! It's okay to come out on the living room, Piggy. We've got the whole house to ourselves. Say, is there any more candy around? Nope. We ate all the cookies, too. Too bad. Nothing sweet left, huh? Nothing unless you want to try these new cigars from my uncles. They're soaked in maple syrup. You mean these? Yeah. I've seen them. Lomba penadolas. Say, I wouldn't open that box if I were you. Oh, it was open already. See? Some have been taken out. I bet no one would miss this one. Hey, what do you think of the doing? Smoking us? Maybe. What if I am? Oh, I bet she wouldn't dare. Is that so? Bet you I would, too. Only it's so long. I bet you'd be scared to go havers with me. Who made you smoke, I say, God? Eh, I knew you'd go chicken. I won't either. I ain't afraid of doing anything you ain't afraid of doing. I ain't. All right. Let's see you smoke it, then. All right. Give it here. Here. Let you don't even know which end to put in your mouth. I do, too. Only I forgot. Which end is it? Oh, the one you don't like. My paw is bite-off one end first. Like this? Uh-huh. What does he do with the end he bites off? I don't know. While is it, I guess. Oh, yeah. Any guys? Sure. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, for you. Tastes terrible. Want me to light it for you? Sure. I guess so. No fun smoking a hundred cigars, is there? Nope. Hold still and puff. Oh, puff in, not out. That's better. How's it taste? Well, pretty hard to describe. Selfie yourself. Don't hog it all day. It's my turn again. When do I try blowing smoke through my nose? You got it all unwrapped. Is it outside cover? I think it'll be all right. Now watch me. What's that supposed to be? I'm blowing smoke rings. You ain't either. Them's clouds. Heck, I can do better than that. Okay, here you take it. I didn't mean for you to do that. You can keep it as long as you want to. Oh, that's all right. I'm not selfish. Well, all right. How's it? You better puff on a wild pig. Smoke gets in my eyes. Okay. It sure is a strong cigar, ain't it? Yeah, as long as I ever smoke. What's the matter, Leroy? Don't you feel well? Well, there's been times when I felt better. You're ready for another drag? Not just yet. I think I better sit down for a while. You mean you're dizzy? Yeah. Well, sitting down won't help. I know I'm sitting and I'm dizzy, too. What's wrong with us? I haven't any idea. Do you think it's... they pig sits still, will you? I ain't movin', except my head seems to be going around. See, that's funny. You've got two heads. Both kind of green. Well, that accounts for it, then. Counts for what? I can see two whole rooms. You know, I don't think I feel so good. Do you think it could possibly be the cigar? I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Here, Leroy, you can have it. No, no. You go ahead and keep it. There's lots more when that one came from. Oh, my goodness. Now my stomach's starting to go around, too. Yeah, I know just how you feel. If it's all right with you, Leroy, I think I'll go now. You're not mad or anything? Oh, no. If you want any more of the cigar, it's right here on the fern stand. Huh? See, don't hurry off. I'd better go or you might be sorry I stayed. Oh, gee whiz. I'm beginning to see what you mean. I've got to get some fresh air, too. Hey, Big D, wait for me. I feel more wousy than woozy. How about you, Leroy? Oh, I'm all right, except for my head, which is awful light, and my feet, which are awful heavy, and my stomach, which is awful. Awful what? That's all just awful. Gee, I don't think I've got a stomach anymore. Boy, are you lucky. Take it easy, just close your eyes. No, no, no. Every time I close my eyes, Tapioca keeps floating in front of me. Nice. Do you think we should get up and walk around a while? No, no, no. Let's stay here in the garage until it stops going around. Don, the guy who invented cigars anyhow. Who was he? I don't know. Some Indian named Corona, I think. Now Uncle Morton keeps smoking them all day long while I'm falling over. I imagine going around like this all the time. Gee, I just thought of something. Do you think we're going to stop growing now? Oh, gosh, I don't know. We should have thought of that before. But suppose we do, how am I going to play football in college? I just weigh 97 pounds. Are you sure that one cigar will stop you from going? Since I started smoking, I ain't been sure of anything. I'm awful glad I stopped. Me too. Boy, I would never smoke another cigar. Oh, it makes me sick even to mention cigars. Gee whiz. What is it now? What's going to happen when your folks come back and find a living room full of smokes? Gee, Uncle Morton, send me to Alcatraz. We better sneak back and open the windows so the place can air out. Not me. I'm going home just as soon as my legs will cooperate with each other. Oh, Piggy, you can't run out on me now. Not now, but just as soon as I can stand up, I will. But how can you? I didn't want to smoke a cigar. Just a cigar smoke. So that cigar we were smoking in the first stand. Why? You've been buying like Santa Claus with a sweet tooth. Well, why not? No matter how many thanksgivings we have, Christmas comes once a year. Oh, now, Uncle. All right, my dear. Say, let's get something for Leroy to have this afternoon. I see just the thing he's going to enjoy. You do? What is it? Oh, something that every boy likes. Can you see Leroy's face when he opens these chocolate cigars? Hey, you birdie, he's openin' his eyes. Yeah, but he don't look like he's seen anything. Leroy, honey, you all right? Oh, yes, I'm all right. You just lay down on the sofa while I try to clean up this mess in the living room. I can't figure out for the life of me how that's lost. Hey, Piggy. Yeah? What are we going to say when Uncle More comes home and asks us how the fire started? Well, we could say it was a spark from the fireplace if there was a fire in the fireplace, except there's no fireplace. Do you ever find out how that fire really started? I'll be cooked. Haven't you got a good idea? Yes, I'm going home. Come on, Leroy, see you in school. Come together, please. Yeah, hello there, Piggy. Oh, now I'm really going to be sick. Hey, what's that I smell? Did Birdie burn something? Yeah, the living room. What? Can you hear a moment, young man? Where is Birdie? She's mopping up the water on the carpet. Look, what water? The water Leroy squirted on the fern box just before he did a nose dive onto the floor. Oh, my goodness. Uncle, what's happened around here? I don't know for sure, Marjorie, but the way I understand it, Leroy was watering the fern box in the living room. After flooding the floor, he tried to dive on it while Birdie was cooking the rug. It couldn't be. Well, that's Piggy's story. Yeah, well, it was nice visiting you. Here, here, come along with us, young man. We're going to get to the bottom of all this. Oh, dear. Huh? Oh, look at Leroy on the sofa. Yeah. Are you all right, Leroy? Oh, so large. Well, by George, he does look all washed out. Young man, what do you mean by diving on your nose in the carpet? You need that poor little boy alone. He's a hero. Just like do it vanilla. Vanilla. What do you mean, Birdie? Well, there was a fire, and Leroy ran in here with the hose and saved us all from being a lot of clinkers. Well, you're a brave boy, Leroy. By the way, Birdie, how did the fire happen start? Oh, my... What's wrong? Oh, I know, he's inhaled too much smoke. Yes, that's it, Uncle Morse. Well, we're going to get you well in no time at all. No time at all. That's good. Marjorie, what's the office number of Dr. Shieldsby? Oh, no, no, no. I don't need a doctor. It's, uh, Rosebud 2212. Thanks. Hand me that phone, please, Birdie. Thank you. Don't try to get up, Leroy. Just relax like a piece of liver. No! Hello, Dr. Shieldsby? This is Throckmorton P. Gillesleys. I want you to come right over. There was a little fire at our place. I know you're not a fireman. My nephew, Leroy, put it out. Now he isn't feeling so hot. Yeah, get over here as quickly as you can, doctor. No! Keeping that, doctor. Oh, uh, while we're waiting for him, Leroy, here's a little surprise I brought to you from downtown. Yeah. It's a chocolate cigar. No! Yeah. Quick, somebody water. He's going to paint again. No, no, no. I'll be all right, Uncle Lee. Chocolate and cigars. I couldn't take it. Oh, well, I'm sorry, my boy. But you won't refuse a nice big chocolate cigar, will you, Piggy? Yes, Mr. Ulysses. I couldn't. Huh? That is, Leroy might feel bad if he saw me eating it. Oh, yes. Well, that's very considerate. We'll save them for later then. By the way, how did this fire in the living room start, Piggy? You mean the fire from the cigar in the front stand? No! Oh! What's wrong, my boy? It hurts. It's time for you to go home. Uh-huh. Oh, yes. I got to be going now. Yes. Well, get me. How a fern stand can suddenly, without any cause, burst into flame as one for Ripley. Maybe it was spontaneous compulsion. Well, I suppose we'll never know. Yeah, let's let sleeping dogs sleep. Excuse me, Mr. Gil, sleep, but look what I found in the ruins of that, that fern rib that was on fire. Well, it looks like a remnant of a cigar. Why, this could have started the whole thing. Well, folks, now I really got to go. Huh? So long, Ulysses. Good night, Mr. Gil. What's bothering that young man? Oh, that's Piggy's way, Uncle. Well, son, you rest until the doctor gets here. I'm going to look into a few matters. Come on, Bertie, let Leroy sleep. I can't understand. How did a cigar get into the fern stand? Oh, talking of cigars, Bertie, did anything happen to those two new boxes of larumbas? They're putting them in boxes now? No, I'm talking about my cigars. Oh, yes, here they are. Let me see. Uh, six missing, and I only took out five. Bertie, have you been putting this snatch on my stogies? Yes, sir. Uh-huh. I've snatched them off the fern stand, I put them in the ashtray. Yes. No, I mean, have you been smoking my cigars? Me? Oh, I should say not. I ain't one of them society ladies. Yes. Well, somebody took one. Marjorie? Yes, Uncle Mark. Uh, I've been doing a little detective work about that fire. You know, I've always fancied myself as another thin man. And, uh, I have a pretty good idea how it started, too. How, Uncle? Well, I think I know who dropped the cigar into that fern stand. Now, don't look at me with that silly glint in your eye, Sherlock Holmes. I haven't smoked a cigar since last election. Oh, be serious, Marjorie. Did you notice how evasive Leroy and Piggy Banks were when I questioned them just now? No, I didn't. Oh, of course not. You weren't even there. But they were as hard to pin down as a baby on a roller coaster. That's Leroy smoking a cigar. Didn't you notice their appearance? They were both as pale around the gills as a whitefish. They're smoking a cigar, is that a thing? I should say. I'll never forget my first corn silk corona. I was weak for days, and in the days for weeks. And besides all this circumstantial evidence, there's one real incriminating clue. What's that? Leroy's little finger. What's wrong with these little fingers? He's wearing the cigar band from that missing cigar. Doctor, what delay, George? Stop on the way to cure a couple of hams? Fine thanks for rushing away from an awful full of patience. Well, where's the sick boy? Show me to him. Oh, yes, just a second, Doc. Since I phoned you, I found out a few things. I think Leroy is sick because he smoked one of my cigars. Well, I can understand that. I smoke one of them, too. But I can't get him to admit it, Doctor. He just keeps groaning and changing the subject. Now, I've got an idea how we can smoke off this whole cigar business. Now, what's that? What kind of sickness would have the same preliminary symptoms as smoking a cigar, Doc? Almost any of these juvenile illnesses, measles, chickenpox, and mumps, say? Say, mumps will do. You examine Leroy, and you tell him he's got the mumps. That'll bring the truth out of him. Come on, come on, come on. Oh, you and your scheme. Yes. Remember what to do, Doc. Ah, Leroy. Here's Dr. Sillsby to take care of our sick little boy. You're all suffering stuff. Yes. You didn't need to bother Dr. Wank. I'll be all right in a couple of hours. Well, now that I'm here, boy, I better give you a quick once-over. You see your tongue? Mm-hmm. Now, say, ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. I better take your pulse. You didum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. Now, you can put your tongue back in now. Thanks. Now, tell me, after you inhaled this smoke, did you suffer any attack of vertigo? No, I was just dizzy. Oh, yeah. And this was accompanied by acute nausea? It was nausea all right, but there was nothing cute about it. Well, that's just as I thought. Let me feel your jaws. Now, balls. Mr. Gildersleeve, has this boy ever had the mumps? Uh, mumps? I don't think so. Have you ever had the mumps before, Leroy? No. Say, you don't think I got them now, do you, Doc? Well, it's a little early to say for sure, but the indications point that way. Oh. Yeah. Isn't that too bad? Looks like you'll have to stay in bed instead of going to that big football game, Leroy. Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute. See, Doc, maybe you're mistaken. Maybe if you knew what really happened, you wouldn't call it mumps. What do you mean, what really happened, Leroy? Oh, gee, I shouldn't have told you before. Of the more the reason I got sick and looked so pale and everything is... Well, it's... Gee, I hate to tell you, but... Oh, why did I do it? Why did you do what, Leroy? Why did I smoke one of your cigars? Ah. Blast. Now we're getting to truth. Young man, I'm surprised at you. Oh, gee, I'm sorry I ever did it, Leroy. Sorry as I can be. Yes. I think you've learned your lesson, Leroy. I have, Uncle Mort. I really have. And I'm not only a doctor, but you can see it's the cigar that makes me look this way and not mumps. Well, Leroy, that was just a little put-up job. A little scheme to get the truth out of you. You really haven't got the mumps, has he, Doc? No, he hasn't, Gilda Slave. But according to his pulse and his temperature and these spots on his chest, he has got the measles. Oh! The great Gilda Slave will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, do you grown-ups remember the old-fashioned kitchen on baking day? What fragrance with cakes and pies and cookies in the oven. Why, everything smells so good, my mouth barely watered in anticipation of all the good things to eat. And nowadays, lots of up-to-the-minute housewives are learning the modern secret of that old-time, home-baked flavor. Yes, more and more good cooks are insisting on a real flavor shortening for baking, instead of bland, tasteless fats. That's why so many good housewives are using parquet margarine for baking. For a flavor shortening is just what parquet is. You see, the delicate taste that makes parquet so delicious for table use gives extra flavor to baked food, too. Yes, and that's the secret of food pan-fried in parquet. They're tastier, too, and parquet doesn't scatter as thick as the pan. And remember, parquet margarine is good for you. Yes, parquet is a wholesome, nourishing, energy food that contains important vitamin A. But why not try delicious economical parquet margarine and find out how good it is yourself? Just ask your dealer for parquet. P-A-R-K-A-Y. Yes, Leroy. That's part of the cure for measles, you know. Leroy, it's me, Piggy. I just need back to see if they found out. Yeah, they did. Did you catch it? I'll say I did. Yeah. Looks like you're going to catch it too, Piggy. Good night. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Vannon speaking for the Crash News Company and inviting you to be with us again next week for the further adventures of The Great Yielders League. And reminding you that every one of us can help in the nation's defense program by joining the Red Cross during its annual roll call November 11th to November 30th. This is the national broadcasting company.