 CHAPTER XXVI. PART II THROUGH ALL OF RAMONA'S JOURNEY HOME She seemed to herself to be in a dream. Her baby in her arms, the faithful creatures Baba and Benito gaily trotting along at a pace so swift that the carriage seemed gliding. Felipe by her side, the dear Felipe, his eyes wearing the same bright and loving look as of old. What strange thing was it which had happened to her to make it all seem unreal. Even the little one in her arms, she too seemed unreal. Felipe did not know it, but her nerves were still partially paralyzed. Nature sends merciful anesthetics in the shocks which almost kill us. In the very sharpness of the blow sometimes lies its own first healing. It would be long before Ramona would fully realize that Alessandra was dead. Her worst anguish was yet to come. Felipe did not know and could not have understood this, and it was with a marveling gratitude that he saw Ramona, day after day, placid, always ready with a smile when he spoke to her. Her gratitude for each thoughtfulness of his smote him like a reproach, all the more that he knew her gentle heart had never held a thought of reproach in it towards him. Grateful to me, he thought, to me who might have spared her all this woe if I had been strong. Never would Felipe forgive himself. No, not to the day of his death. His whole life should be devoted to her and her child. But what a pitiful thing was that to render. As they drew near home he saw Ramona often try to conceal from him that she had shed tears. At last he said to her, dearest Ramona, do not fear to weep before me. I would not be any constraint on you. It is better for you to let the tears come freely, my sister. They are healing to wounds. I do not think so, Felipe, replied Ramona. Tears are only selfish and weak. They are like a cry because we are hurt. It is not possible always to keep them back. But I am ashamed when I have wept, and think also that I have sinned because I have given a sad sight to others. Father Solviedeta always said that it was a duty to look happy no matter how much we might be suffering. That is more than human power can do, said Felipe. I think not, replied Ramona. If it were, Father Solviedeta would not have commanded it. And do you not recollect, Felipe, what a smile his face always wore, and his heart had been broken for many, many years before he died? Alone in the night when he prayed he used to weep from the great wrestling he had with God, he told me. But we never saw him except with a smile. When one thinks in the wilderness alone, Felipe, many things become clear. I have been learning all these years in the wilderness as if I had had a teacher. Sometimes I almost thought that the spirit of Father Solviedeta was by my side putting thoughts into my mind. I hope I can tell them to my child when she is old enough. She will understand them quicker than I did for she has Alessandro's soul. You can see that by her eyes, and all these things of which I speak were in his heart from his childhood. They belong to the air and the sky and the sun, and all trees know them. When Ramona spoke thus of Alessandro, Felipe marveled in silence. He himself had been afraid to mention Alessandro's name, but Ramona spoke it as if he were yet by her side. Felipe could not fathom this. There were to be many things yet which Felipe could not fathom in this lovely, sorrowing, sunny sister of his. When they reached the house, the servants who had been on the watch for days were all gathered in the courtyard, old Mordeta and Juancon heading the group, only two absent, Margarita and Luigo. They had been married some months before and were living at the Ortega Ranch, where Luigo, to Juancon's scornful amusement, had been made head shepherd. On all sides were beaming faces, smiles, and glad cries of greeting. Underneath these were affectionate hearts quaking with fear lest the homecoming be but a sad one, after all. Vaguely they knew a little of what their dear senorita had been through since she left them. It seemed that she must be sadly altered by so much sorrow and that it would be terrible to her to come back to the place so full of painful associations. And the senorita gone, too, said one of the outdoor hands as they were talking it over. It's not the same place at all that it was when the senorita was here. Humpf! muttered Juancon, more consequential and overbearing than ever for this year of absolute control of the estate. Humpf! That's all you know. A good thing the senorita died when she did, I can tell you. We'd never have seen the senorita back here else. I can tell you that, my man, and for my part I'd much rather be under senorita Felipe and the senorita than under the senorita. Peace to her ashes. She had her day. They can have theirs now. When these loving and excited retainers saw Ramona, pale but with her own old smile on her face, coming towards them with her baby in her arms, they broke into wild cheering and there was not a dry eye in the group. Singling out old Matatha by a glance, Ramona held out the baby towards her and said in her old, gentle, affectionate voice, I am sure you will love my baby, Matatha. Senorita! Senorita! God bless you, senorita! They cried and closed up their ranks around the baby, touching her, praising her, handing her from one to another. Just stood for a few seconds watching them, then she said, Give her to me, Matatha. I will myself carry her into the house. And she moved toward the inner door. This way, dear, this way, cried Felipe. It is Father Salviedetta's room I ordered to be prepared for you, because it is so sunny for the baby. Thanks, kind Felipe! cried Ramona, and her eyes said more than her words. She knew he had divined the one thing she had most dreaded in returning, the crossing again the threshold of her own room. It would be long now before she would enter that room. Perhaps she would never enter it. How tender and wise of Felipe! Yes, Felipe was both tender and wise now. How long would the wisdom hold the tenderness and leash as he day after day looked upon the face of this beautiful woman, so much more beautiful now than she had been before her marriage, that Felipe, sometimes as he gazed at her, thought her changed even in feature. But in this very change lay a spell which would for a long time surround her and set her as apart from lover's thoughts as if she were guarded by a cordon of viewless spirits. There was a rapt look of holy communion on her face, which made itself felt by the dullest perception, and sometimes overawed even where it attracted. It was the same thing which Aunt Rea had felt and formulated in her own humorous fashion. But Old Matala put it better when, one day, in reply to a half-terrified, low-whispered suggestion of Juan Conn, to the effect that it was a great pity that Senor Felipe hadn't married the senority two years ago. What if he were to do it yet? She said, also under her breath. It is my opinion he had as soon think of St. Catherine herself. Not but that it would be a great thing if it could be. And now the thing that the senora had imagined to herself so often had come about, the presence of a little child in her house, on the veranda, in the garden, everywhere. The sunny, joyous, blessed presence. But how differently had it come? Not Felipe's child, as she proudly had pictured, but the child of Ramona. The friendless, banished Ramona returned now into full honor and peace as the daughter of the house, Ramona, widow of Alessandro. If the child had been Felipe's own, he could not have felt for it a greater love. From the first, the little thing had clunk to him as only second to her mother. She slept hours in his arms. One little hand hid in his dark beard close to his lips, and kissed again and again when no one saw. Next to Ramona herself in Felipe's heart came Ramona's child, and on the child he could lavish the fondness he felt that he could never dare to show to the mother. Month by month it grew clear to Felipe that the main springs of Ramona's life were no longer of this earth, that she walked as one in constant fellowship with one unseen. Her frequent and calm mention of Alessandro did not deceive him. It did not mean a lessening grief, it meant an unchanged relation. One thing weighed heavily on Felipe's mind, the concealed treasure. A sense of humiliation withheld him day after day from speaking of it, but he could have no peace until Ramona knew it. Each hour that he delayed the revelation he felt himself almost as guilty as he had held his mother to be. At last he spoke. He had not said many words before Ramona interrupted him. Oh, yes, she said. I knew about those things, your mother told me. When we were in such trouble I used to wish sometimes we could have had a few of the jewels, but they were all given to the church. That was what the senora Ortegna said must be done with them if I married against your mother's wishes. It was with a shame-stricken voice that Felipe replied. Dear Ramona, they were not given to the church. You know Father Salvieta died, and I suppose my mother did not know what to do with them. She told me about them just as she was dying. But why did you not give them to the church, dear? asked Ramona simply. Why, cried Felipe, because I hold them to be yours and yours only. I would never have given them to the church until I had sure proof that you were dead and had left no children. Ramona's eyes were fixed earnestly on Felipe's face. You have not read the senora Ortegna's letter, she said. Yes, I have, he replied, every word of it. But that said I was not to have any of the things if I married against the senora Moreno's will. Felipe groaned. Had his mother lied? No, dear, he said. That was not the word. It was, if you married unworthily. Ramona reflected. I never recollected the words, she said. I was too frightened, but I thought that was what it meant. I did not marry unworthily. Do you feel sure, Felipe, that it would be honest for me to take them for my child? Perfectly, said Felipe. Do you think Father Salvieto would say I ought to keep them? I am sure of it, dear. I will think about it, Felipe. I cannot decide hastily. Your mother did not think I had any right to them if I married Alessandro. That was why she showed them to me. I never knew of them till then. I took one thing, a handkerchief of my father's. I was very glad to have it, but it got lost when we went from San Pasquale. Alessandro rode back a half-day's journey to find it for me, but it had blown away. I grieved sorely for it. The next day Ramona said to Felipe. Dear Felipe, I have thought it all over about those jewels. I believe it will be right for my daughter to have them. Can there be some kind of a paper written for me to sign to say that if she dies they are all to be given to the church, to Father Salvieto's college in Santa Barbara? That is where I would rather have them go. Yes, dear, said Felipe, and then we will put them in some safer place. I will take them to Los Ángeles when I go. It is wonderful no one has stolen them all these years. And so a second time the Ortega jewels were passed on by a written bequest into the keeping of that mysterious, certain, uncertain thing we call the future, and delude ourselves with the fancy that we can have much to do with its shaping. Life ran smoothly in the Moreno household, smoothly to the eye. Nothing could be more peaceful, fairer to see than the routine of its days with the simple pleasures, light tasks, and easy diligence of all. Summer and winter were alike sunny and each had its own joys. There was not an antagonistic or jarring element, and flitting back and forth from veranda to veranda, garden to garden, room to room, equally at home and equally welcome everywhere, there went perpetually, running, frisking, laughing, rejoicing, the little child that had so strangely drifted into this happy shelter, the little Ramona. As unconscious of ought, sad, or fateful in her destiny as the blossoms with which it was her delight to play, she sometimes seemed to her mother to have been from the first in some mysterious way disconnected from it, removed, set free from all that could ever by any possibility link her to sorrow. Ramona herself bore no impetus of sorrow, rather her face had now an added radiance. There had been a period soon after her return when she felt that she, for the first time, waked to the realization of her bereavement, when every sight, sound, and place seemed to cry out, mocking her with the name and the memory of Alessandro, but she wrestled with this absorbing grief as with a sin, setting her will steadfastly to the purposes of each day's duty, and most of all to the duty of joyfulness. She repeated to herself Father Salvieta's sayings till she more than knew them by heart, and she spent long hours of the night in prayer as it had been his want to do. No one but Felipe dreamed of these vigils and wrestlings. He knew them, and he knew too when they ceased, and the new light of a new victory diffused itself over Ramona's face, but neither did the first, disheartened, nor the latter encourage him. Felipe was a clearer-sighted lover now than he had been in his earlier youth. He knew that into the world where Ramona really lived he did not so much as enter, yet her every act, word, look was full of loving thoughtfulness of and for him, loving happiness in his companionship. And while this was so, all Felipe's unrest could not make him unhappy. There were other causes entering into this unrest besides his yearning desire to win Ramona for his wife. Year by year the conditions of life in California were growing more distasteful to him. The methods, aims, standards of the fast-incoming Americans were to him odious. Their boasted successes, the crowding of colonies, schemes of settlement and development, all were disagreeable and irritating. The passion for money and reckless spending of it, the great fortunes made in one hour thrown away in another, savored to Felipe's mind more of brigandage and gambling than of the occupations of gentlemen. He loathed them. Life under the new government grew more and more intolerable to him. Both his hereditary instincts and prejudices and his temperament revolted. He found himself more and more alone in the country. Even the Spanish tongue was less and less spoken. He was beginning to yearn for Mexico, for Mexico which he had never seen yet yearned for like an exile. There he might yet live among men of his own race and degree, and of congenial beliefs and occupations. Whenever he thought of this change always came the quick memory of Ramona. Would she be willing to go? Could it be that she felt a bond to this land in which she had known nothing but sufferings? At last he asked her. To his unutterable surprise Ramona cried, Felipe, the saints be praised. I should never have told you. I did not think that you could wish to leave this estate. But my most beautiful dream for Ramona would be that she should grow up in Mexico. And as she spoke Felipe understood by a lightning intuition and wondered that he had not foreknown it, that she would spare her daughter the burden she had gladly, heroically borne herself in the bond of race. The question was settled. With gladness of heart almost more than he could have believed possible, Felipe at once communicated with some rich American proprietors who had desired to buy the Moreno estate. Land in the valley had so greatly advanced in value that the sum he received for it was larger than he had dared to hope, was ample for the realization of all his plans for the new life in Mexico. From the hour that this was determined and the time for their sailing fixed a new expression came into Ramona's face. Her imagination was kindled. An untried future beckoned, a future which she would embrace and conquer for her daughter. Felipe saw the look, felt the change and for the first time hoped it would be a new world, a new life, why not a new love. She could not always be blind to his devotion, and when she saw it could she refuse to reward it? He would be very patient and wait long, he thought. Surely, since he had been patient so long without hope he could be still more patient now that hope had dawned. But patience is not hope's province in breasts of lovers. From the day when Felipe first thought to himself, she will yet be mine, it grew harder and not easier for him to reframe from pouring out his love in words. Her tender sisterliness, which had been such a balm and comfort to him, grew at times intolerable, and again and again her gentle spirit was deeply disquieted with the fear that she had displeased him so strangely did he conduct himself. He had resolved that nothing should tempt him to disclose to her his passion and its dreams until they had reached their new home, but there came a moment which mastered him and he spoke. It was in Monterey. They were to sail on the morrow and had been on board the ship to complete the last arrangements. They were rode back to shore in a little boat. A full moonshine. Ramona sat bare headed in the end of the boat and the silver radiance from the water seemed to float up around her and invest her as with a myriad halos. Felipe gazed at her till his senses swam and went on stepping from the boat. She put her hand in his and said, as she had said hundreds of times before, Dear Felipe, how good you are. He clasped her hands wildly and cried, Ramona, my love, oh, can you not love me? The moonlight was brightest day. They were alone on the shore. Ramona gazed at him for one second in surprise, only for a second. Then she knew all. Felipe, my brother, she cried and stretched out her hands as if in warning. No, I am not your brother, he cried, I will not be your brother. I would rather die. Felipe, cried Ramona again. This time her voice recalled him to himself. It was a voice of terror and of pain. Forgive me, my sweet one, he exclaimed. I will never say it again. But I have loved you so long, so long. Ramona's head had fallen forward on her breast, her eyes fixed on the shining sands. The waves rose and fell, rose and fell at her feet, gently as sighs. A great revelation had come to Ramona. In this supreme moment of Felipe's abandonment of all disguises, she saw his whole past life in a new light. Remorse smote her. Dear Felipe, she said, clasping her hands. I have been very selfish. I did not know. Of course you did not love, said Felipe. How could you? But I have never loved anyone else. I have always loved you. Can you not learn to love me? I did not mean to tell you for a long time yet. But now I have spoken. I cannot hide it any more. Ramona drew nearer to him, still with her hands clasped. I have always loved you, she said. I love no other living man. But Felipe, her voice sank to a solemn whisper. Do you not know, Felipe, that part of me is dead? Dead? Can never live again? You could not want me for your wife, Felipe, when part of me is dead. Felipe threw his arms around her. He was beside himself with joy. You would not say that if you did not think you could be my wife, he cried. Only give yourself to me, my love. I care not whether you call yourself dead or alive. Ramona stood quietly in his arms. Ah, well for Felipe that he did not know, never could know, the Ramona that Alessandro had known. This gentle, faithful, grateful Ramona, asking herself fervently now if she would do her brother a wrong, yielding up to him what seemed to her only the broken fragment of a life, weighing his words not in the light of passion, but of calmest, most unselfish action. Ah, how unlike was she to that Ramona who flung herself on Alessandro's breast, crying, Take me with you. I would rather die than have you leave me. Ramona had spoken truth, part of her was dead. But Ramona saw now with infallible intuition that even as she had loved Alessandro, so Felipe loved her. Could she refuse to give Felipe happiness when he had saved her, saved her child? What else now remained for them, these words having been spoken? I will be your wife, dear Felipe, she said, speaking solemnly, slowly. If you are sure it will make you happy and if you think it is right. Right, ejaculated Felipe, mad with the joy unlooked for so soon. Nothing else would be right. My Ramona, I will love you so you will forget you ever said that part of you was dead. A strange look which startled Felipe swept across Ramona's face. It might have been a moonbeam. It passed. Felipe never saw it again. General Moreno's name was still held in warm remembrance in the city of Mexico and Felipe found himself at once among friends. On the day after their arrival he and Ramona were married in the cathedral, old Matatha and Juan Con with his crutches kneeling in proud joy behind them. The story of the romance of their lives being widely rumored greatly enhanced the interest with which they were welcomed. The beautiful young senora Moreno was the theme of the city and Felipe's bosom thrilled with pride to see the gentle dignity of demeanor by which she was distinguished in all assemblages. It was indeed a new world, a new life. Ramona might well doubt her own identity, but undying memories stood like sentinels in her breast. When the notes of doves calling to each other fell on her ear her eyes saw the sky and she heard a voice saying, Mahela. This was the only secret her loyal, loving heart had kept from Felipe. A loyal, loving heart indeed it was, loyal, loving serene. Few husbands so blessed as the senor Felipe Moreno. Sons and daughters came to bear his name. The daughters were all beautiful, but the most beautiful of them all and it was said the most beloved by both father and mother was the eldest one, the one who bore the mother's name and was only stepdaughter to the senor Ramona Ramona daughter of Alessandro the Indian end of chapter 26 part two and of Ramona by Helen Hunt Jackson.