 Jurassic World Dominion is the newest chapter in the Jurassic World saga thing. How does it stack up though? Well, let me just say this if you like Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom, you're much easier to please than I am So I went into Jurassic World 3 with very low expectations. Did it even meet those? I'm gonna tell you about it right now If you enjoyed the trip down memory lane that was Jurassic World You're gonna love this not only is this chalk full of references to that first Jurassic Park film It also brings back all the characters including guys. You didn't even think mattered remember Lewis Dodgson. I didn't he's in Jurassic Park 1 I mean, I think he's played by a different character to be fair But he's the guy that gives Nedry the canister to steal the dinosaur DNA, but now he's basically Tim Cook from Apple He's a big power player. He's he's looking to corner the market in terms of food supply How's he gonna do this? I think it's pretty obvious He's gonna create giant locusts that are gonna become a plague on the farmers crops thereby destroying them and allowing his company Iogen or something it doesn't matter to become the sole distributor of food in the world It's a perfect plan. I can't possibly see what could go wrong except for everything That's right in Jurassic World 3 dinosaurs are so yesterday now. It's all about those giant locusts Sure, there's a good amount of dinosaurs in here, especially in the second half of the film But the first hour or so is really about jumping from place to place Meeting characters both old and new and have very little idea or care about what's happening If you're like myself and thought Jurassic Turd Fallen franchise was one of the worst things ever You're out of luck because they went all in on the plots the clone girl that released some of the dinosaurs into the wild She's back. She's plot a Owen and Claire have taken her under their wing held up in a log cabin Where he continuously works on his motorcycle. Just get a new one. How many times are you gonna work on this damn thing? Owen, it's a lemon They can't risk having her wander out on her own because there's a team of poachers after her to bring her to the evil Corporation that wants to figure out what's going on with her DNA or something I don't care at all about what's happening in this film. I'm gonna be honest with you The reason Jurassic Park and to a lesser extent some of the later ones worked is because it was simple a Dinosaur park gets overrun with dinos humans have to survive Jaws a story about a shark eating people has to be killed. These are not Complex plots. That's what makes them good. You can experience this fear and dread through one or two lead characters That's completely gone. No longer is Jurassic Park a horror thriller Sci-fi sort of thing. It's just a straight-up action film now But the action is not very good and the plots there are several are so mind-numbingly stupid You just can't wait for it to end or at least that's where I was I just wanted to see dinosaurs eat people is this so hard to do It's been a great year for cinema So it sucked going back into these theaters and just witnessing some of the worst shit ever It doesn't help that this theatrical experience was just a treasure I'll get to that at the end of this review stick around those are always fun when I review the theater experience We've been going Star Wars with this whole property first with Jurassic World 1 being a soft reboot I'll a Force Awakens new hope then we have the second one That's garbage and ruins all the good credit the first one had and now with this third outing We make the worst one possible now to Jurassic World 3's credit unlike Rise of Skywalker They didn't throw out the previous script They actually chose to go forward with these bad ideas for the third outing now while they're terrible At least they decided to pick a lane and stick in it and much like Star Wars We got that original cast back again wearing the trademark hat Slowly removing shades saying those catchphrases from old showing some chest hair only to have it made fun of I mean you name it. They did it including Repeating almost beat-for-beat the same plot in the final act of the film. Isn't that fun? Aren't we aren't we loving that still now if you are genuinely excited to see? Sattler grand and Malcolm back together again the original trio and have them intermingle with the new cast That happens and there's a decent amount of screen time for everyone. They all they all share an equal weight here It's just too bad that they're Regurgitating the same stuff we saw with far less impact the movie is long as shit, too. It's two and a half hours What are they doing? Why is this so long? Have they just focused on one centralized plot? Which would be I don't know dinosaurs terrorizing the world. We would have had a nice hour 45 two hour movie I just don't know why some of these screenwriters keep thinking more is more when it's almost never the case less Is more you fools? It wouldn't be drastic world without some new dinosaurs and we have some a few are closer to what scientists believe is how they looked They got the feathers. They're a little shorter I'm not sure how these creatures evolved in this short of a time or if they were bred that way It was probably mentioned in a throwaway line And I just completely missed it because my eyes were glazed over about 15 minutes into this film And there's this big-ass dinosaur with some long fingernails. That was my favorite Just a just a total Karen running amok. She's like, uh, I don't I don't want it a deer Visually speaking it did look like there was a decent amount of animatronic dinosaurs in this one some of it felt very real most of it didn't Cartoonish almost at times, especially blue. I feel like blue and his little baby blue They took a step backwards in the CG department. They just aren't even trying half the time here I just wanted this to be done and that's really sad to say about a film You know where dinosaurs are eating people the new character Watts is far and away better than the complete Character that Owen has become remember how he trains raptors like their dogs by just holding out his hand He's the dinosaur whisper. He just gives his smolder 90% of this movie is just Owen looking stern Actually, that might be 90% of Chris Pratt in general now anyway His talk to the hand ability is beyond parody at this point not only does he use it on blue? But everything he sees dinosaurs cars people you name it he's got that handout He's like well, we got three dinosaurs here. We got three dinosaurs here. Stop Say stop Well, I got a force field around me Where am I at where am I at I'm out of your mouth. That's where I'm at. You do not move you do not hey Hey no No, and there's always plot armor in these movies for the main characters. I accept that here though They're not even trying there's a scene where there's a dinosaur fight club going on Oh, it's just walking around while all these dinosaurs are released There's guys getting eaten and no one's just standing there a foot away like whoa better better get out of here See you later dinosaurs right here. He doesn't even flinch at it anymore They're like pets to him. Oh and look out. Oh, I got this. I got this double hand up Double hand. They don't know where I'm at. They don't know where I'm at. They only see the hands They only sometimes this works too. It also wouldn't be a Jurassic Park film without something so cringe You get second hand cringe from it and it happens here not quite gymnast out the window not quite Alan dinosaur talking but it's it's damn close and that's clone girl doing the Owen hand thing to a raptor later on Owens like others. There's too many for my hands. I didn't think it was possible and then the girl is like You shall not pass Even dr. Grant is taking it back. He's like, oh What is this ability I never thought to use before? Wow, she seems to have an invisible touch Overall impressions of this at two and a half hours long. Yes, there are moments that shine There are a few spots of greatness here where I'm thinking. Oh, wow, this is cool I did dinosaurs, you know skulking after Claire and she's going into the swamp that part was pretty well shot Looked beautiful when they do that kind of underwater out of water sequence There's some good stuff here, but the overall package is miserable I cannot believe how dumb these are getting and I understand their movies about dinosaurs running amok and killing people fine That doesn't mean you have to take me completely out of it. I want to be engaged I want to be lost in this Jurassic world Not just sitting here thinking that at any moment Vin Diesel and crew could show up in their muscle cars and say get in They're both owned by universal I would not be surprised if we see Jurassic World Tokyo drift or fast in the furious 20 jungle crews Like it's all possible. It's all possible. Maybe the cars are even transformers because I think is that also universal? Oh my god, could you imagine? Fast in the furious meets transformers meets Jurassic Park. We're at the point where I'm for it That's how dumb things have gotten took my 13 year old my 10 year old and my wife Who is now about to never go to movies again? Not because this movie was so bad But because of the theatrical experience, which I have to share with you right now briefly We went to a Thursday showing at five o'clock in 3d so the prices are about as expensive as they can possibly get We go on a Thursday night where a lot of people still don't know the movies out Figured I would eliminate a lot of children since the cost like 60 freaking dollars just to get in with the family But lo and behold just like the dinosaurs Assholes find a way for the first 10 or so minutes people are still trickling in and and now it's just acceptable to use your phone at Max brightness or with the flashlight on to find your seats Somehow people were able to do this for centuries before the invention of the smartphone But now now lo and behold we have the answer to everything keep that sucker out Make sure you know exactly where you're going won't want you to slip or trip and fall on your fucking face and break your nose Wouldn't wouldn't want that while I'm watching the film and you distract me with your lights Talking loudly trying to find your inbred cousin chip who saved the entire row for you and your crew I'm almost at the point where I'm numb to people being on their phones. I've just accepted it I've lost that fight long ago. So the the constant distractions all around the lights the noises I'm pretty good at blocking it now, which is really depressing to say I shouldn't have to have an extra layer of filtration to block everyone around I thought no matter what walk of life. We are where we fell on the political spectrum where we fell on anything We could at least come together in a safe space theater and become one a Cohesive unit watching a film together, but nope. We got to be on our phones. We got to be chatting We got to be rude and then and that's just how it is now So my wife who doesn't go to a lot of movies because I'm kind of obnoxious to be around because I get frustrated by these people She was furious the entire film. I stayed silent She couldn't stop commenting and it was specifically for one key thing We were watching a movie about dinosaurs, but directly in front of me was a gigantic beast Who was vaping the entire movie? She was a big gal, too So when she shifted around to get her device ready, you knew it Oh, and also when the puffs of smoke trailed and I could smell the cherry Binocca or whatever flavor it was. Yeah, that that was pretty telling as well to add insult to injury She also had a child with right next to her who got to also experience the pleasure of second-hand Vape so I'm trying to kind of watch the movie block out the smoke particles block out the phones and block out my wife Who is just pissed? She's like, I don't want to smell this crap. Why is she allowed to do this? I'm like, yeah, people are allowed to do anything now in theaters. There's there's no limit people are allowed to do everything Anywhere there's no rules. It's chaos. It's anarchy She eventually got up to tell one of the staff people and which point I just kind of chuckled to myself like They're not gonna do anything. They don't care. They're making like a minimum wage here Eventually and I knew this was a lot of cars going in because unlike good people I do judge a book by its cover and I knew this bitch wasn't gonna listen to me But I leaned forward anyways for my wife's well-being and I said hey you need to not vape in here Okay, she doesn't say anything. She just looks at me stone cold like a dumbass. I say, yeah I know it's tough life is hard, but we don't want to smell your vape And this was actually verbatim usually I'm over the top But I was actually livid because it wasn't bothering me as much was bothering my wife and I'm gonna stand up for her and Yeah, I guess my kids too, whatever whatever. They're here to woman says nothing And then she makes it for an impressive 20 minutes before the cravings start to kick in again And she leans forward this time and starts puffing like a goddamn chimney away from us Yeah, that that fixes things now. We can't smell it now We can't see it now. We can't hear it perfect Flawless victory so just like every other bad theater experience. She wins. She gets away with cold-blooded murder basically I can't say anything else. She's not gonna listen managers aren't gonna come in here They don't care the only thing left to do is for me to gather about 12 different straws from cups around the theater and then Stick them into every fat roll of her body and yeah 12 is not enough straws This is a big woman. I then gather up all the vape pens I can find pop those into the straws Much like Aunt March from Harry Potter and the prisoner of Oskobon this bitch blows up four times her size Buttons popping off One of the buttons hits her son in the head Another button flies way up to a guy's phone Reflects off goes through his eye She starts to take flight like the house and up about the same size too When she's almost clear to the ceiling I grab her son flip him like a javelin and chuck his ass And much like the last Jedi this kid slices right through her body like it's a dreadnought her carcass Explodes filling the auditorium with blood and guts and pus and shit as the debris washes over the theater My kids look up and slowly remove their 3d glasses like they're looking at the first dinosaurs They've ever seen in real life and get up slowly. I grabbed the top of my wife's head turn it She gets up too and that's when I say goodbye Jurassic Park It's been a good run, but you are long overdue to be put down. Well, there you go My Jurassic World experience from both an audience perspective and the film itself Let me know in the comments if you have something to say about either one of these the movie itself or the crowd You had the displeasure of watching with maybe you're like my wife and you said screw it to theaters a long time ago It's not worth the hassle and I would totally sympathize because to me the magic is all but dead Thank you for listening to me rant make sure to subscribe if you haven't and like the video I would appreciate you sticking around for more I put in a lot of work and it's nice to be rewarded once in a while There's also a notification bell somewhere you can hit and then these videos show up right in your feed It makes it makes tracking me down a hell of a lot easier. I'll tell you that much Okay, goodbye There's a scene in this film where Owen survives a plane crash as it slams into thick ice head first Gets out. He's fine. They're in the middle of a frozen tundra. They don't seem to be cold They're soaking wet as well I think and they just kind of just go on with their day in an older film like in like the original Jurassic Park This would be a deal. This would be a 30-minute sequence in this movie. It's like three minutes and done It's just so much nonsense happens And there's just no consequences or reaction to really any of it because it's all in front of a green screen now Nothing matters. There's so much plot armor on these characters I can't take any of it even remotely serious