 this what comes to mind when you think of conflict? We're sort of naturally predisposed to think of conflict as this destructive behavior in a relationship, something that really tears people apart. And that certainly can be the case, but conflict is also just a part of every relationship and can have constructive benefits to that relationship. So in order to better understand conflict in our relationships, we're going to take a look at the nature of conflict. How do we define it? What are some of the foundational attributes and aspects of conflict and and what causes some of this conflict and most commonly? So let's start by looking at what is conflict. Well conflict is an expressed struggle between interdependent parties involving the perception of incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference. So when we talk about interpersonal conflict, first of all it has to be an expressed struggle. If only one person is aware of it, it's just one person being upset. It's not conflict. In conflict both people are aware of and engaged in this struggle. It's also taking place between interdependent parties. If it's just some random person on the street, that doesn't mean you can't fight with those people or whatever, but that's not interpersonal conflict. Interpersonal conflict takes place between interdependent parties, parties who are connected and affected by one another on a regular basis and on a longer-term basis. It also involves at least the perception of one of these things incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference. So it could actually involve those things or it could just involve one or both people perceiving that those things are in effect. Either way those are the types of things that lead to conflict. So again conflict is an expressed struggle between interdependent parties involving the perception of incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference. So that's our foundation. That's where we're starting from. So what do we need to know about conflict in order to have a better understanding and and be able to effectively navigate it in relationships? Well the first thing we need to understand is that conflict is natural in a relationship. It's something that's going to occur in every relationship that we have and over all time every relationship is going to have conflict. It's not a matter of if you have conflict. It's a matter of when and then how do you manage that conflict? How do you go about engaging that conflict? Which brings us sort of to our next point. The conflict has content, relational, and procedural dimensions and these all then play off of one another and play into one another. So a conflict has a content dimension meaning there's what the conflict is actually about. Are you upset because somebody left the milk out? Are you upset because somebody took your car and didn't ask you or somebody you know whatever. It's late all the time and you're in conflict over whatever the conflict is about. That's the content dimension. Then you have the relational dimension to consider. Who is this person to you? Is this your boss? Is this a co-worker? Is it a parent? A child? A friend? A best friend? Is it a neighbor? Your relationships with all these people are different and so the way you engage in that conflict and the considerations that you have to think about are different for every relationship. Then finally the procedural dimension meaning how do you go about conflict? Is this a relationship where you don't hear yellers so you raise your voices and not necessarily that it's detrimental to the relationship and you're not calling each other names necessarily but are you in that type of relationship or is it more of a relationship where you keep you calm? You don't raise your voices or is it a time where you throw things or not throw things and different you know we've got to consider what's the appropriate way for me to engage in conflict with this person given those other considerations. So all of these three things you can see that have that intersection and that's where we want to focus our conflict for the most constructive outcome is considering the content relational and procedural dimensions throughout that conflict. We also need to know that conflict can be direct or it can be indirect. So conflict can be direct meaning you're just head on with this person. Everybody's well aware and you're just going on it's sort of a competing type aspect and the conflict can be aggressive that can be again that's not necessarily a negative thing it could be a positive thing it could be necessary but sometimes conflict is direct in that way. Other times conflict is not as direct right some people are hiding there their true feelings or they're putting on you know the sort of mask that they wear to kind of to kind of misdirect you or to keep you from knowing what their true feelings are that can lead to a lot of passive aggressive behavior and can be a real issue in relationships in long-term relationships. So we want to be cautious about that indirect type of conflict as well but conflict can be direct can be right out in the open can be head on or it can be indirect and be a little more under the radar. Conflict can be harmful I do want to be clear about that you know I'm talking about conflict I don't want to make it all sound rosy it can be detrimental to a relationship it can lead to the end of a relationship again if it's not handled appropriately in terms of the content relational and procedural dimensions conflict can be extremely harmful in a relationship and even you know oftentimes lead to the end of that relationship but it doesn't have to conflict can also be beneficial it can help clear the air it can be cathartic it can help us better understand one another help us move forward in a more positive way if we can handle it constructively and then conflict can be beneficial. The final thing I want to point to in this this discussion is what are some of the common sources of conflict where does conflict come from just some identify some of the more common places for conflict and sources of conflict so first we have personal criticisms nobody likes to be criticized nobody likes to be judged on their personal attributes or different things so personal criticisms are probably the number one source of conflict when somebody feels like they're being attacked and then then with those personal criticisms you're going to see conflict a lot of times in those situations another of the top three here are finances people argue a lot about money and so that's a common source of conflict is finances in a long-term relationship and then the third of the three highest here that we have including personal criticisms and finances our household chores who's going to take care of what there can be a lot of conflict that stems from those household chores and just trying to determine who's responsible for what who's taking care of what there's a lot of confused a lot of miscommunication that happens there a lot so we want to be extra cautious around household chores that we're communicating well not letting that lead to conflict some of the other more common sources include things like feeling entitled when you when you get the impression that somebody feels entitled to something else like they deserve it whether they actually do or not then that can lead to conflict people don't respond well to that other people don't respond well to that stress and a lack of arrest can lead to conflict that makes us more irritable makes us have a shorter fuse so when we are stressed out and we're not getting enough arrest that can lead to a conflict as well and then finally especially in the day of social media and online communication what we call the disinhibition effect is a major source of conflict the disinhibition effect basically says that we are braver when we are behind a screen that we are more likely to to say things when we're on the other end of our phone or computer or whatever we're not face-to-face with that person we're more likely to say things with a stronger effect in those situations than we are when we are face-to-face with that person our inhibitions are sort of released and it's sort of like you know when people drink they say things and do things that they wouldn't normally do because alcohol naturally lowers our inhibitions well turns out being on the other side of a screen can have that same effect and have a saying things and and indicating things that we wouldn't normally say or or do if we were face-to-face with that person so we need to be aware of that that can be a huge cause of conflict as well but again conflict not all bad these are common sources we can manage these things we can be aware of these things and and we know that when we are in conflict we can do things though to manage it so that it is constructive not all relate not all conflict has to end up in that rolling around on the ground fighting in the end you never know who might turn out to be your best friend you might just become best friends out of that situation right if you can manage that conflict well and and resolve it effectively you have questions about the nature of conflict or anything else related to to this area please feel free to email me I'd love to talk to you in that way and in the meantime I hope that you have a better understanding of conflict than a renewed understanding of conflict and the role that it can play the positive role that it can play in a relationship