 Hey, Remley. What do you want, Curly? Before we go on the air, I want to talk to you. Look, I've been thinking. Every radio show opens with a commercial. Now, why don't we? I don't know. Unless it's because we haven't got a sponsor. We have got a sponsor. They just don't want us to mention their name. But tonight, I'm going to sneak in a commercial. After all, I'm proud of being associated with RCA. They make wonderful products. That they do. Everybody knows you can't make a bad cup of RCA coffee. Remley, they don't make coffee. RCA Victor makes the best television sets and 45 record players that money can... Wait a minute. Let's start the show. And you can listen to the commercial I wrote for Bill Foreman. It's a honey. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield. Walter Sharpen is music. Yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Fay and Bill Harris. This is Phil again. Now, here's a word from RCA Victor. Fill your life with a new magic world of fun. Enjoy yourself. Have a Highland fling. Yes, that's just what it is when you and your family start enjoying RCA Victor's new 17-inch television console, the Highland. It's fun, it's fine, and it'll be the favorite of your family. That's right. The most famous name in home entertainment, RCA Victor, now brings you the best in 17-inch television with the new Highland console. There's a lot we can say about the Highland, but you just have to see it. With its remarkable pictures, clear, bright, and steady, its distinctive console cabinet, beautifully styled, beautifully finished, and priced to fit your family budget. Then you'll know why this is million-proof television. Now, over 2 million American families have tried, tested, and purchased RCA Victor television. Let your family in for a Highland fling with RCA Victor's exciting new Highland television console. See it at your RCA Victor dealers tomorrow. It's Easter, and Alice, Phil, William, and the children have just returned from church. Oh, I certainly was proud of you two this morning. You look positively adorable, why, everybody said you were the sweetest and prettiest things in the Easter parade. Thank you, dear. We're talking to the girls. Oh, you children look beautiful. Thank you, Mommy. You look beautiful, too. You look so pretty in your new Easter outfit. And so young, too. The lady sitting next to me in church asked me if you were my sister. She did? Well, that was very sweet of her. How did she happen to talk to you, dear? She lost her glasses, and I was helping her look for them. She should have quit when I was ahead. You did look young, sis. Didn't she fall up? She certainly did. One would never guess that on her next birthday this kid is gonna be... Never mind. Now, I must have looked young. Even the minister commented on it. When I walked into church on your arm, he said, Happy Easter, my child. And I'm glad you brought your father this time. He said that about me, huh? Yeah. Well, just for that, when I solo with the choir, I'll sing off key from now on. From now on, he says, You haven't hit a... You haven't hit a true note since... Please, Willie, please. Alice, I may not look as young as I used to, but I noticed a lot of admiring glances cast in my direction during the parade today. And, small wonder, I was impeccable in my striped trousers, cut-away coat-and-flowered booton-a-rare. Well, I must admit you look nice, Bill, but nobody notices a man in the Easter parade. It's the women who attract attention. Some of those outfits today were dazzling. Did you notice Mrs. Cook in her flowered Hawaiian print? How could I help noticing her? She wore a flowered dress, flowers in her hair, flowers on her hat, and a floral corsage. She looked like the opening of a new restaurant. I thought she looked lovely. And, Mommy, did you see Mrs. Martin? She had on a beautiful green organ-y dress. Yes, and I loved her a mylon straw-cut-wheel hat. And did you see Mrs. Roberts? She had on a beige shantung dress with that lovely mink stole. And did any of you girls notice Mrs. Consulman? No, I didn't film. What was she wearing? She looked ravishing in a Hanmacher street-linked suit of ice-blue satin and tulle with a flared peplum. And her hat was a pearl-studded cloche of matching satin and phyla-dorned with sheer allusion veiling. The blue was repeated in the shower of delphinium blossoms pinned to her lapel. Her ensemble was set off by accessories of a canvas water bucket, wrap leggings, and a leopard skin garter belt, worn on the outside. Oh, she must have looked silly. Imagine wearing a flared peplum with allusion veiling. The wrap leggings you liked, huh? I thought my girlfriend looked lovely. What girlfriend? Well, the girl I came to church with. She was sitting between me and Mrs. Johnson. I didn't like that. I thought that was Mr. Johnson. They'll stop making fun of Willie's girlfriend. I think you ought to apologize to her. All right, I'll apologize to her. Willie, I think your girlfriend, Ruda Vega, looked very pretty. Her name is Violet. Well, I knew it was something that came out of the ground. Look, Willie, I can't understand. Uh-oh, I'll get that. Happy Easter, Curly. Oh, hiya, Frankie. Happy Easter to you. What have you got there? Some presents for the family. I got some chocolate bunnies for the kids, a plant for Alice. And here's something for you, Curly. I got you three pairs of shorts. Well, that's very nice of you. What made you buy me shorts? You said you wanted them. When did I say that? When we were driving downtown in your car the other day, you said you needed some new seat covers. I wonder what would have happened if I told him my valves needed drying. Do they? I know a cheap doctor. Wait a minute, Ram. Hey, but no kidding, Ram. I appreciate you bringing those nice presents. Happy Easter, Frankie. Hello, Alice. Happy Easter. Say, you're looking mighty cute in your new spring outfit. Thank you. Uh, nobody's commenting on the way I look. This is my new Easter outfit. How do you like my yellow shoes? Oh, is that what they are? I thought you were standing in two egg yolks. You do look very nice, Frankie, but where did you get the money to buy a new outfit? I got $100 from some guy yesterday. Oh. Did he put up much of a fight when you rolled him? Don't be vulgar. I got it legitimately. Okay. What are you doing with the $100, Ram? Well, I bought a whole new outfit. Underwear, shirt, suit, hat, shoes, socks, and... ...spats. As a result, I don't have too much left at $100. How much you have left? $85. Where do you buy your clothes, kid? That's Skid Row? Hey, what are you going to do with the rest of the money, Frankie? I'm going to take Alice out for dinner. I want to repay her for all the kindness she's shown me over the years. She took me in when I was broke. She clothed me. She fed me. She gave me money when I needed it. I know how you feel, Frankie. You should. I did the same thing for you. Are you taking me to dinner, too, Frank? You want to. You can tag along. Thanks, Remly. You should do worthwhile things like this. You should do them more often. What do you mean? I don't want to sound like I'm preaching a sermon, but I've heard people say the early bird catches the worm and there's a lot of good logic in that old cliche. There's certain obligations you just can't shirk. You've got to put that heat on to make that kettle perk. And if you want it to be a good day, you've got to do a good day's work. You've got to dig, dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Nothing's what you get for free. You've got to dig, dig, dig, dig for your dinner. The never was a money tree. And furthermore, my friends, I must repeat, nobody's walking down that easy street. And if you want to live where baby grow, you're going to get an awful lot of no-series. You've got to dig, dig, dig, dig for a dollar, taint as simple as you think. You can't purline a sirloin or the butcher will put you in the clink. You just can't be a lazy bird. You've got to get off of your twig so you can afford your room and your board. And it's nice to have the price of a sig. You've got to pay that Hitler man if you want to do a jig. You've got to be as happy as a bee to be a Mr. B.I.G. And if you want some dig, dig, dignity, you've got to dig, dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. You just can't be that lazy bird. You've got to get off of your twig so you can afford your room and your board. And it's nice to have the price of a sig. You've got to pay, old Hitler man, if you want to do that jig. You've got to be as busy as a bee to be a Mr. B.I.G. And if you want some dig, dig, dignity, you've got to dig, dig, dig, dig for your dinner. Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig. Yeah, excavate. Where are you going to take us to dinner? Any place you want to go. Money's no object. Pick out the fanciest restaurant in town. Just say the word and I'll take you there. Romanoff's. Sorry, that's not the word. We want to go to a slanky place. Well, naturally, that's where I intend taking you. How about Chauncey's Midtown? I never heard of the place. Is it expensive? Oh, yeah, but it's worth it. They give you a lot of food. Why, for a dollar, you can barely carry a tray to the table. Oh, right. Never mind the cafeterias. We want you to take us to an expensive place. Why don't you take us to Pierre's French restaurant? Okay, I'll take you to Pierre's. After all, what can it cost me? Maybe 30, ouch, dollars. Oh, Bill. Bill, before we go, I want to call Mother and thank her for the flowers she sent. I'll be right back. Okay, honey. Hey, Remly, it's sure nice of you to take us out to dinner. Oh, that's all right. Wait a minute. Come in. Well, look what somebody sent us for Easter. Bugs Bunny. What do you mean Bugs Bunny? It's me, Julius. Oh, I'm sorry, kid. Your buck teeth and twitching nose fool me. Get the carrot out of your mouth. The fine way to greet me after I came all the way over here to wish us a happy Easter. I even brought you these lilies. You brought those lilies for me? Oh, thanks, kid. Let me have them. Okay, lie down and I'll break them across your chest. All right, kid. Will you beat it? We ain't got no time for them smart cracks now. Mr. Remly's taking Mrs. Harris and me out to dinner. Would you mind repeating that ridiculous statement? Who's taking us out to dinner? I'm taking them out to dinner. Be at the Salvation Army soup kitchen. I'm not taking them to the Salvation. I wonder what their entree is today. Right. If you bring your drum curly, we won't have any trouble getting in. You're taking us to Pierre. I'll bring my French horn. Gee, I wish I could go with you, Mr. Remly. My folks went away and left me alone and they forgot to give me money for my Easter dinner. Oh, that's a shame, kid. I'd be glad to take you with me, Julius, except for one thing. What? I wouldn't be found dead at the same table with you. But, Mr. Remly, I'm hungry. I'm starving. I ain't got no money and if you don't take me to dinner with you, there's only one thing left for me to do. What? I'll eat at the Brown Derby and charge it. So long, you cheap scoundrel. So long, so long. How do you like that? He has a charge account at the Brown Derby. How could he? They only give charge accounts to movie stars. You probably think he's lassy. He looks like anybody. Hey, Curly, I got an idea. Pierre's is too swanky. Let's go to a restaurant that's a little less formal. I know a spot downtown with real atmosphere. I'm with you, Remly. You're buying that. You'll love this place, Curly. They have checkered tablecloths, candlelight and wine. Well, fellas, I'm ready to go. Oh, good. Go get your music, Alice. What do I need music for? When we get to the restaurant, somebody might ask you to sing. Who's going to ask me to sing in the restaurant? Me. I get the meal cheaper that way. Well, I'm not going to sing in public, but if you want me to, I'll sing right now. That ain't going to save me any money, but go ahead. I hear singing and there's no one there I smell blossoms and the trees are bare All day long I seem to walk on air I wonder why I wonder why I keep tossing in my sleep at night And what's more I've lost my appetite Stars that used to twinkle in the skies Are twinkling in my eyes I wonder why You don't need analyzing It is not so surprising That you feel very strange but nice Your heart goes bitter pattern We know just once to matter Because we've been there once or twice Lucky Put your head on our shoulder You need someone who's older Down with a velvet glove That I'd love There is nothing you can take To relieve that pleasant ache You're not sick, you're just in love I hear singing and there's no one there I smell blossoms and the trees are bare Your heart goes bitter pattern You know just once to matter Because we've been there once or twice Lucky Put your head on our shoulder You need someone who's older Down with a velvet glove To relieve that pleasant ache You're not sick, you're just in love We're just We're just in love Oh, there it is, there's the sign This is the place Remly, I don't like the looks of this What's the matter? Well, look at the sign Clancy's Italian restaurant and emergency hospital Those are two separate signs The hospital's next door to the restaurant And don't worry about the food Let's go in Nobody ever died eating here Unless they don't pay to check Grog! That's here, Grog What are you doing here? I am now in a restaurant business I took this place over from Clancy Would you buy it from him? You might say that You wouldn't be right, but you might say it Grog, and you didn't force him out of business At the point of a gun No, please, I do not believe In resorting to physical violence Clancy's still around He's my, my silent partner Doesn't he have anything to say about the business? How much talking can you do from the bottom of the river? Maybe we'd better go someplace else, Frank Don't touch that Don Roberts electrified But, but we don't want to eat here Look, baby, you want dinner This is a restaurant Don't give me no trouble, sit down Look, Grog, and you can't force us to eat here If we don't want to Who's forcing you? If you don't want to eat here, you just say so You can feel perfectly free to be carried out Well, now that you're seated, what do you want? Well, first of all, I'd like a clean tablecloth What's the matter with this one? It's kind of dirty Well, naturally, we ain't got towels People have got to wipe their hands on something Now, what do you want for dinner? Oh, I suggest that you try a specialty What is your specialty? Pork chops à la mode Pork chops à la mode Yeah, yeah That's a cold pork chop on top of a hot pork chop Sounds good to me Sounds awful to me Phil, let's get out of here Okay, honey, get in front of me And we'll shoot our way out Friendly, you're taking us to Pierre Much nicer restaurant, Frankie I love the French atmosphere Don't you, Phil? Oui You're so dangerous You're shy, so boulevard to soire Hmm, but silly girl All right, Marie You know, we may be in a little trouble I noticed the menus are printed in French And all the waiters are talking French I only speak the language a little In that case, let me handle it Do you speak French currently? Happens to be, my badness You forget that last year I summered in the Sance of France I'll take care of everything Just hold my beret while I call the head waiter Hey, senor! Can I get an answer, you? Yeah, I can't understand Oh, I know, I was using the salutation for a single man The guy's probably married I'll lay the married one on him Senorita! Can you let it turn him? Here he comes now Bonjour, Madame Messieurs C'est en plaisir à vous servir chez Pierre Bonjour, and piffy d'orcy to you, sir Nice going, Jacques Now, tell him we want a table for three Y'a vôl Bonjour We have come here to eat a mille And we want un table for... Let me see, how do you say three in French? Oh, yeah, I'm Swiss Dry pipette Oh, Phil, please Monsieur, un table Pour trois personnes? Ah, oui madame, on table pour trois Suivez-moi s'il vous plaît What did he say? He said, follow me Oh, yeah, that high school French you're here That gets me all confused Ah, voici votre table, madame Assez-vous s'il vous plaît Oui, sir, oui, sir He said, don't make no passes at the waitress This is our table and we should sit down Sit down, of course, sir François, scoatez-vous Parquet, your carcouse C'est d'une Oh, oh Monsieur, I speak a little English Perhaps you want me to interpret the menu Interpret for me? Oh, la la, you fool, yeah We know how to order, don't we, Remling? Yeah, of course D'asso, the start-off will have three orders of chaise la femme But Monsieur, femme means woman In that case, just make it two orders You'd better make it one order, my Jean-Dame is with me Fellas, please, maybe you'd better let me order Let's start off with some hors d'oeuvre Okay Waiter, bring us two bottles of hors d'oeuvre's room temperature Monsieur, if you want something to drink How about some champagne? Champagne? Okay How about mums? Yeah, you can rub a little of that on me, too Phil, why don't you let the waiter order for you? Well, it isn't necessary, I can read this menu Now, let's see Oh, for a starter, we'll have a plate of foie gras That paté de foie gras Yeah, yeah And after that, I'll have this ragout of boux How about you, Remly? I'll have the boux, too, but leave the rag in Look at these prices, I want everything that goes with it Well, one snook I'm married to The other one is going to pay the bill Alice, please Waiter, look, we'll have some of this, some of this, some of that, and some of this Well, Monsieur, would you care for a demi-tasse? That depends Is it tender? Curly, don't show your ignorance, a demi-tasse is not something to eat That's French for a small busboy What are we going to do with a small busboy? That's what I mean Look, you better let me order, just a minute Waiter, we'll have some bird's nest soup, some egg fouillon, and an order of chapeau But I am sorry, Monsieur, we do not have chapeau No chapeau? What kind of a French restaurant is this? Come on, let's get out of here, I'm going to take you to another place Frank, let's forget the whole thing No, I promise to take you to dinner and I'm going to This place I'm going to take you to is clean And they serve the kind of food that you like, Alice You just follow me Wasn't that a wonderful dinner? It certainly was I'm glad I thought of this place Never have I had such delicious food I must go compliment the chef Excuse me Pardon me, but I just came in to tell you that your cooking is delicious I'd like one more order of roast beef, but this time cut it thick and don't put any sauce on it Get out of my kitchen, Frankie, you're all brainless Before you buy anything, you want to know what it will do for you And when it comes to a phonograph, you can be sure of this The RCA Victor 45 actually does far, far more than any other phonograph First, of course, there's its remarkable distortion-free performance Performance that lends to recorded music a concert hall clarity There's effort saving convenience For RCA Victor's 45 offers you up to a full hour of music The exact selections you want in the exact order you want At the mere touch of a button And the low-cost non-breakable 7-inch 45 record can be stored on a regular bookshelf 150 to a foot Look over the wide range of models of the 45 at your RCA Victor dealers And while you're there, ask for the magnificent red seal recording, The Great Caruso This long-playing record offers you eight of Caruso's favorite Italian arias sung by Mario Lanza Folks, this is Phil again They say that life is priceless, but that isn't quite true It can be bought Lives can be saved with your contribution to the Red Cross One of the urgent Red Cross operations centers about the fluid of life itself, blood Only you can make sure that this program has continued and expanded And this year, increase your contribution to the Red Cross Thanks and good night everybody Good night everybody Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a Victrole phonograph, or records Put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television Theatre Guild presents a tale of two cities, now head a hopper on NBC