 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents The Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. The Halls of Ivy. Welcome again to Ivy. Ivy College, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. It's early in the evening with the spring dust settling over the campus, the Christmas Christmas spinning in a quiet way over the Great Oaks and Maple's faculty room. At the home of Dr. William Taubhunter Hall, Ivy's president, and his English ex-actress wife, Victoria, there's a sudden noise which shatters the car. Tardy. Well, what is it, Victoria? You called code. I knew it. I've just coded, my darling. How could you knew it? I knew it last night. I shouldn't have gone over to the contendants without an overcoat. The lack of an overcoat, Vicki, I'm afraid it was the overabundance of overheating in which the Quincanons revel. Only a Symbodian could survive that equatorial climate, and I am no orchid. Yes, I know. I'm afraid Mrs. Quincanon hasn't very good circulation. I'm afraid Mrs. Quincanon hasn't any blood. Tardy, what an awful thing to say. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't have said it if I didn't have a slight fever. I'm very fond of Mrs. Quincanon, blood or no blood. Fever? You said fever. Do you have anything to have? I'm going to take your temperature. Let me feel your forehead. Mm-hmm. Definitely feverish. A feverish reaction to your touch, Victoria, is not conclusive evidence of a pathological condition. My temperature always rises in direct ratio to your nearness. Well, that's very sweet of you to say so, dear. We mustn't get sentiment into fear with the proper treatment, must we? No, no, indeed. Although, as the old joke goes, I am quite liable to take a turn for the nurse. Oh, oh, oh. You must be feverish about that, right, myrius? Have you got a busy day ahead tomorrow? Load it. And I've promised you this much, Dr. Hall. One degree about normal and all appointments are cancelled. All. Nonsense. Is nothing serious? Just a slight chorizo? No, I don't know what a chorizo is, but I'll take no impermanence from a patient. I'm going upstairs to get with a momma customer. I'll get it. Well, just tell me what it is, darling. I'll answer as if I can find it. Well, it usually is, yes. I'm a bookshelver. Oh, yes, yes. Right back of the decline and fall of the Roman Empire. Back of it. It's the cause of it. I'll be right down. Hello, Dr. Hall speaking. Yes? Oh, good evening, Mr. Meriwether. Nice to hear from you. Yes? Yes, I will. I plan to be home all evening. No, no. Indeed, it'll be a real pleasure. Goodbye. Who was it, darling? Mr. Meriwether. What do you want? He wants you to come downstairs and stop fussing about my health. Don't excuse me, darling. What did he want? He wants to come over. I want you to come downstairs. What else? I want to stop yelling. My larynx is not up to it tonight. I can't find it. Not my larynx? No. That's a promise. I can't find it anywhere. Good. Not at all. I'm going straight to the drugstore and get a new one. Well, you can't do that, Victoria. You wouldn't leave me alone with Mr. Meriwether. That's good. And the minute I get home, I shall send him packing and tuck you into bed. One tiny, little, very pleasurable sneeze and the whole world comes crashing down about my ears. One faint little sniffle and a hurricane of emotional nursing has been loosed. Go, my darling, go in peace. Refurbish us with medication, hot water bottles and all the unhappy miracles which cure mortal man of his most soothing ills. Go, while I suffer alone. You're finally getting Mr. Meriwether. You're cold. Stay out of the dark. I'll be right back. Goodbye, Florence. Don't forget your lamp. Doctor, I do hope I'm not disturbing you. On the contrary, Mr. Meriwether, I was looking forward to seeing you. Is there trouble on the campus? No, no, there isn't. Which is by way of being a novelty. No, Doctor, I'm not the bearer of that news. In fact, I'm not the bearer of any news at all. Good. Good. Then we can relax and discuss life, love and the pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of happiness will do, Doctor. Life and love at my age are delicate subjects. To be quite honest, the real reason for my visit was your wife. No. I don't think I have to remind you what a real fan of hers I am. Always have been. I know. And as President of the Victoria Cromwell Hall family, I welcome you as a member. I'll attend every meeting. Doctor, I'm afraid I got a little carried away last week. You know what a hobbyist I am. Always fooling around with gadgets, electric trains and stuff. I went to work at such an early age. I'm making up for my lost childhood, I guess. Don't be surprised if I show up here sometime wearing a hop along Cassidy's suit and swinging a yoga. Well, you'd be quite welcome wearing a pinnacle, Mr. Maryweather. But what's the point? Well, the point is, Doctor, that when I learned that Mrs. Hall was going to do a number in the junior follies, I smuggled a recording machine into the auditorium. You did? What a splendid idea. Did you get her some? Every magnificent note of it. For posterity. And it's much too good for them. Well, I hope I can hear it sometime. I brought it with me. You did? I have the very thoughtful of you. Well, thanks. But in all honesty, Doctor, I must admit it was also a matter of self-preservation. And Mrs. Maryweather? Mrs. Maryweather. Although she's as great an admirer of Mrs. Hall as I am, she said clearly and distinctly, if you and your electric recorder play that song once more, John, I will break every bone in your large body and then sue you for divorce, naming Thomas Alba Edison as correspondent. She'd do it, too. Well, your danger is my good fortune, Mr. Maryweather. And is there any reason why we can't play it now? Or none at all. In fact, I'm just using your house as a safe place to play for myself. Where's the floor plug? Right here. I'm back at the liver chair. Oh, fine. I'll just plug this. What's the devil's telephone doing there? Well, it's hiding. It always does. Here, I'll take it. Yeah, there we are. Now, let me turn off this lamp. Proper lighting, you know. I may be a big hulk, but I have my delicate mood. All ready, Doctor? All ready. All right. Over here. That's dynamite. Wouldn't that make Rogers throw away his hammer sign? Yes, it certainly would, Mr. Maryweather. Yes, we'll have to play it for Victoria. Certainly. All right. I wonder where on earth she can be. What time is it? Well, it's 8.15. Why do you look alarm? Look at them. This is down more than an hour. Well, where'd she go? To the drugstore, five minutes from here. Oh, well, she probably stopped off to see someone on the way. Oh, I've got to reading a magazine. There's something rather attractive about reading magazines at a drugstore's expense. Oh, she wouldn't have done that. She thinks I'm ill. I'm not, of course, but I'm worried. Who's calling a drugstore? Yes, I will. Excuse me. Oh, no, you've got me worried. Busy. Yeah, sure. Well, isn't it? I've always said the greatest practical joke over the 20th century was Alexander Graham Bell. I wonder if I should call the police. Oh, no, no, don't get panicky, Doctor. You don't understand, Mr. Maryweather. She thought I was ill. She's never stayed away a minute longer than necessary. She went to get a thermometer. She thought I had a temperature. She was right, Doctor, all you have. You worked yourself into abuse. I'll bet you've added more degrees to your temperature in the past five minutes than you've earned in 25 years of academic life. I tasted it. Now I know why. Bliss is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We'll return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mrs. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman in just a moment. But first, here's a man with a story to tell and a good reason for telling it. Before we were married, it was our favorite night spot. And it didn't seem the place to go on our first anniversary. As I sat down at our table by the big French window, I was humming O-lang-zine. And the waiter must have guessed that this was a special occasion for us. He went to both of us and then disappeared before we had a chance to order. A few moments later, he was back with a smile of warm hospitality and something more. Tow bottles of Schlitz beer, compliments to the management. For many of us that ever tasted Schlitz, though it had been recommended to us many times, as we looked at our glasses, I knew that my wife was as curious as I. Could Schlitz really be as good as people said it was? There was only one way to find out, so we tasted it. And I looked at my wife, and she looked at me. I don't know whether it was mental telepathy or simply two people in complete agreement on their first anniversary, but we both said in one voice, no wonder Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. No wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. As we find Mr. Merlewether, he's really trying to calm a very perturbed Dr. Hall. Now, you see, doctor, she's all right. Well, I don't understand it. The druggy said she just left there this minute. Now, what could have taken her so long to get there? Oh, any number of things. She probably stopped by to get some advice from Dr. Thorson. You know what a windy old, funny duddy he is. It takes him 45 minutes to paint a throat. Picasso with Argyro. Vicky is too impetuous for that. I know her. She's only concerned in getting back here to take care of me. Vicky thinks advice is something that you're taking in long, slow doses, when there is plenty of time and nothing else to do. You always listen to it, but I'm afraid seldom takes it. In her career in the theater, she made a financial trust with that formula. I remember one night in London before we were married. I was walking backstage in her theater. This is how I approached her open booking room door, and I had to be insane. Vicky is a crazy basically, and you're superb in it. Then what have I done? Nothing, my dear. It's what you might do that one is made. As an old friend, I feel that I have the right to give you some advice. It's all right, Ian. I have a date. That's what I mean. You're an American one. She isn't my American. Yes. That's not trouble. How did you realize this is a basic difference? A basic difference is between these two countries. In habits, customs, power, everything. They don't even speak the same language. They don't understand it. Then there's a new ambassador just appointed to bring them closer together. And I know that I speak a language at least one American will understand. So, this isn't, should I ever feel none of my business? Good luck, darling. Thank you, Ian. Good night. Hello, Ian. Oh, hello, hall. Isn't it strange? I understood you perfectly. In every word. Good night. Did you hear all that? Yes, I did, Victoria. I'm sorry. But I still wanted to stop. I didn't want to drop, but I couldn't have thrown myself away. You do understand me, don't you? No, my dear. I don't. But not because we live on different sides of the ocean. Not because you're a woman. You object to that? That you're a woman? But you don't understand me. Oh, I don't object to another, my dear. I'm on a particular list of the facts that you're a woman. Well, isn't it funny how we disagree? Tell me, I'm especially glad that you're a man. Do you think this conversation has been a little international significance? I certainly do. How can anyone say we don't understand each other? No one with any sense could possibly say that. Where are we going to suffer? Well, I'm not sure that I'm going to feed you at all. Oh! You know, a man shouldn't learn all he can about a girl under all kinds of adverse conditions, especially when she's hungry, and especially when I find myself in a church and I find a part of her. Are you William? Yes, my dear. I am. I'm very glad. You're not a bit hungry. Tell me, what else a man should do when he's fond of somebody? Well, I'm not going to do it to go on with it. You see, it's the first time that this man has ever been this fond of somebody. With all the power, words are hard to find. Well, the action, the easier... Well, yes, yes, they would, yes. Thank you, yes. Well, let's go for a walk. Oh, no! Oh, no, of course not. You're a child. But no, no, I'm still wonderful. Keep talking to me. I want to hear more about words. Or action. Oh, Vicki. Yes, William? I've got to tell you this. I've been thinking about it every minute of the day and night. Go on, tell me. I can't believe this lovely country of yours without taking something of you away with me. Perhaps a little impressive you're found. So small that you're scared, isn't it? I know all of mine in exchange. Oh, Miss Como, are you still in your dressing room? You're all right, Joe. I'm leaving now. Who is that? The farmer making his rounds. He locks up every night and makes sure there's nothing burning. But there is something in this year. A fire that Joe will never be able to put out. A flame that will always be burning. Of course you are talking. I told you you had a fever. Neither. Oh, it's not a fever. It's much more than that. No, it's not. It's just a play-doh temperature. Yes, at the moment. A fever? At the moment? Oh, yes, oh, yes. What have you been doing, Mr. Merryweather? Me? I've been talking like a madman for five minutes. He hasn't even answered me. I know. You've been off on one of these little daydream trips again. I think if we x-rayed his head, we'd find a little travel girl in one corner of it. This time, William, he didn't take me with you. No, I took you with me all right now, darling. But you, where did you go? You didn't take me with you. I've been at the drugstore. But the Canada drugstore? From the length of time it was gone, I thought, but suddenly there were no books on paper as little candidates in London. It's been a sight of being so long, Cardi. I did run into a little trouble. What kind of trouble, man? By George, a woman like you can't get around this town without being molested. Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Merryweather. It was nothing like that. This man just wanted to talk to me. So I sat in the car, and he sat on his motorcycle, and we had a little chat. And... on his motorcycle? Victoria? The police officer? Yes, sir. I'll break him. I'll leave him transferred so far from headquarters you'll have to report by Tom Tom. Mr. Merryweather, please. Mr. Merryweather, please. You know, it's... it's barely possible that my lovely wife was not entirely banished. I thought of this, my darling, but this conversation between you and the officer was not merely social. No, no. You see, I live here. I'm such a hurry. I forgot my driver's license. Well, I can't shoot you for that, Mrs. Hall. Besides, I'm always forgetting mine. Had four portas that's made, so I'd always have one with me, and they all wind up in the same pair of pants. The ones that are at the cleaner usually. That's you. How did you suspect that you didn't have your driver's license with you? He asked me for it. Just out of morbid curiosity? No, no, no. No, I guess he had a reason. Did he give you a hint? He said I didn't stop at the stop sign. Well, William, I always stopped there. At least I practically stopped like everyone does. But I was rushing, and I probably didn't absolutely stop. Well, I imagine that happens to all of us now, Tom. I must have read you quite a lecture to have held you up so long. Oh, he did. Well, I'm glad you're back, my dear, and I'm also glad it was no worse. Yes. Well, as a matter of fact, it was a little worse. Don't worry about this. This association with the traffic uppers were developed further. Well, it wouldn't have if you'd minded your own business. You aren't aware, of course, of the nature of this business. Yes, but I guess I was a bit flattered. So after he spoke to me about the stop sign, I found myself in the middle of the block past the drugstore, and I was in a great hurry. So I made the turn. Your turn? Your turn? My turn. And when I got to the drugstore, there were so many bicycles. Now, just a minute, Victoria. What on earth have bicycles to do with this? Because the kids leave their bicycles all over the sidewalk when they go into the drugstore to read the comic book. It's a dare on a sidewalk. Yes, but they're sold all over, and I didn't want to scratch any of them or anything. So I just saw the district past them and parked the car there. Very considerate, ma'am. Yeah, well, that's what I thought. But when I came out, there was something next to the car that I hadn't noticed before. A motorcycle? On one side, yes. And on the other? A fire hydrant. I'd taken one at a time, my dear, and I'm adding it slowly. How many citations did you get? Four. No drivers like a stop signal. You turn and fire hydrants. I don't give it another thought. I'll have all these tickets taken care of at the City Hall tomorrow. They kind of didn't have to know about it, but it's quite impossible. Impossible, my eye. Those boys at the City Hall know where they get the jelly for their sandwiches. I haven't the slightest doubt of your ability to handle this situation and I appreciate your good intentions, but we can't let you do it. Ethically, we must accept the penalties for transgressing the law. Do you think I'm doing stuffy? Yes. No. You're perfectly right. I'm sorry, I was very careless. Leave him so much as all such trivial offenses. I miss another weather. There was no such thing as a trivial traffic violation. We worked 12 months a year with the National Safety Council to give Ivy College, and at the time of Ivy, a good traffic record. I can't preach safety and law observance and warranted violations by my own family. You're absolutely right, Toddy. I'll take the mock. The rat, Mrs. Orwell. I'll take the rat. You do understand, don't you? Think of our students. Driving every type of car imaginable. From the chrome-on-plated convertibles to 25-dollar hot rods. And one of them was the appreciation of what a ten-and-a-half of stupid models can do to human flesh and bones. They haven't had time to learn the dreadful down-acts of sustained or assured momentum and impact. Well, Doctor, you're right, as usual. I hate to see you get stuck for all those fines, Toddy. It might really be cheaper if I went to the police. You're the best thing that ever happened to the city jail. You're laying in a social zone. They've been getting a very shoddy type of patron there lately. Well, it'll be the first time I ever paid $40 for the thermometer. But anybody can make a mistake, Vicki. You're too intelligent to make the same one again. Of course she is. Now, I'm going home and have a little talk with my wife. Every time she sees a red light, she thinks, Oh, my goodness, I forgot to get the maroskino cherry. By the way, Doctor, mind if I leave my record player here for a day or so? No, that's all, Mr. Mayor. May I use it? Please do. And I hope you feel better tomorrow. Thank you, Mr. Mayor. I am sorry to involve you in this little family concert hall. No, I'm sorry to do this all. Perfectly natural mistake, particularly for a woman drunk. Good night, Doctor Hall. Good night. Good night. Good night, Mrs. Hall. May I say that whatever your sins may be, the sight of you always makes me feel and act, I'm afraid, younger than any son of mine that have the right to. You're admiring, ma'am. Good night. Good night. Oh, Daddy, what an awful thing for me to do when you're running a campaign straight in the opposite direction. Oh, forgive the sermon, Victor, but you do understand, don't you? Oh, of course I understand. And as for the sermon, I'm just sorry I was the one who supplied the text, Reverend. I'm a reformed character. Only on a matter of traffic, I hope. Otherwise, my angel, I should deplore this light of change in any part of your character. And I think that my cold has departed sufficiently for it to be quite safe to kiss me in. You're right. You're just perfect, you say. This will make surely some more sense. Thank you, Dr. Ernst. Now, what is that machine, Mr. Merriweather, left here? Oh, what you call one of those gadgets. It's a record player. Is there a record on it? Yes, I believe there is. Well, it's true. Now, what have you done to deserve it? You know, the more I think of it, party, it's really all your fault. My fault? Mm-hmm. If you hadn't stayed out so long in the tight-flying contest and if you had worn an overcoat to the Queen's Tannins as I asked you to, you would never have had a cold. We wouldn't have needed a thermometer and none of this would have happened. Stop, stop, Biggie, stop right there. In one moment you'll have been serving a long term in thinking for a time I didn't commit. Now, let's play the record. But it's true, it's true, isn't it? In part, yes. In the mind, no. Now, where's this book? Now, but don't you think... No, no, no, no, no more, no more. Do you remember when I was in your dressing room in London I said that I didn't understand you? Not because you lived on different sides of an ocean. Simply because you're a woman. Do you love me? Now, how does this thing stop? Oh, there you are. I've got it. Do you do you love me? Biggie, it's only the eyes are under and conditionally. I'm not in big trouble. No, I don't. Why does that help? No, no, no, no, no. Why did I say that, biggie? No, no, no, no, no more. Look at me, look at me. I'm not in big trouble. No, no, no, no more. I'm not in big trouble. Look at me, look at me, look at me. No, no, no, no more. No, no, no, no more. I take to this. I know why. Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. And now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colt. Good night, everyone. Good night. The campaign for season, which will be released next week. We'll be seeing you next week at this time. And the halls of Ivy starring Mrs. and Mrs. Ronald Colt. The other players were Willard Waterman and Eric Snow. Tonight's script was written by Matt Wolfe and Don Quillen. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Ruffin. The halls of Ivy were screened by Don Quillen, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing...