 Being here, I thought we would just start with a spitball, whatever comes to mind, low sex drive. Nothing. Exactly. Hi there, lovers and friends. So I kept that bit of silence in the video because I felt like it was perfectly telling of what it's like to go through low sex drive since people don't talk about it in fear of being judged. And hopefully with that video, we can help to change the culture. Now one in 10 women in the U.S. has hypoactive sexual desire disorder. That's millions of women, some in their 20s, who need solutions, need advice, but above all else, need to be heard. And with that in mind, I invited five very brave, incredible individuals to the table to discuss low sex drive, including HSDD, which is low sex drive that a woman finds frustrating. And I want to introduce you to Sam, Lulu, Skye, Brooke, and Alana. And in the spirit of sharing their truth for some of these women for the very first time, I decided to ask that question again. So tell us candidly, what is it like to go through low sex drive? Low energy. Low energy. A lot of self-confidence. Yeah, that's a good one. Disappointing. Pressure. Pressure comes to mind. Less ways to connect. Losing your sexual identity. Oh, wow. Yeah. There's a word, satya, and it means the truth. The reality of what we are and what we're feeling. And it's insane how valuable it is to not only understand yourself, but to be able to express that. But when I do try to talk about it, it's always misunderstood or mis-express. Like, I couldn't find the words to express what was happening to me. What Lulu said about not having the words describe her low libido is an extremely common thread. So with this video, language was really important to me to ensure that I gave you the tools to express yourself as accurately and as clearly as possible. And in order to do that, I needed some help. So I reached out to Unblush to partner with them. Unblush is a space where women who are frustrated with their low sex drive can go for resources, tools, advice, and community. Unblush helps women who are frustrated with their low sex drive to find support. Plus, they have a ton of resources on their site, including real stories, FAQs, and articles, so that women who are struggling with HSDD can turn their distress into a strike. They are experts in this space and unblush.com has been a massive resource for me when it comes to my own research into HSDD. And if you're sitting there thinking, well, what exactly is HSDD? Don't worry, you are right on schedule. Hit the lights. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder or HSDD for short is a common treatable medical condition characterized by ongoing, frustrating, low sexual desire. It has been recognized by the medical community for decades. HSDD is the most common sexual dysfunction in women and affects about one in 10 in the US, some as young as 20. HSDD is believed to be an imbalance of chemicals in the brain that control sexual desire. It is also associated with negative emotional states, including frustration, hopelessness, anger, poor self-esteem, and loss of femininity. Myself and unblush want us all to live in a world where HSDD and frustrating low sex drive is not taboo or embarrassing, but instead, widely understood and above all else discussed with empathy and action, especially since HSDD can be treated. Welcome back now that you know the basics. Let's dive back into the women's stories. I asked each of them to describe their personal experience with low sex drive. I was like 20 to 22. I was living with my now ex-fiance and just feeling that I just didn't like I didn't want him to like touch me. I didn't want to like him to lay in the bed with me. And like when he wanted to just even like a simple kiss, I was just like, I know this is going to lead to sex and this is just not something I want to do. My experience with low sex drive really began after this really long relationship I had with one of my best friends and him and I. Really struggled with the sex part. And after that relationship, I kind of went on the other end of the spectrum and I was just like having fun and just doing what I wanted. And I was really enjoying it. And then all of a sudden like I wasn't and I was like, OK, I don't know. It's so complicated. The whole you just haven't met the right person yet is the most invalidating thing ever. And it's so frustrating. So I'm still figuring it out. Got a therapy session on Tuesday. Thank you. Love therapy. I've kind of tumbled through the last five years through phases of a very high sexual drive and very low sexual drive. So it's been a lot of reflection and a lot of kind of trying to figure out what it correlates with in regards to the relationships that I fell in and out of and how it correlated with my physical activity moving so much at times. It was very hard, it was very hard. Heavy on relationships, but more so heavy on myself, on my energy and on my confidence and on my my desire to kind of follow my dreams and to fulfill myself. I experienced that when I did have this low sexual drive and I wasn't attracted to people, my creativity and my desire to create in general was just very low. So that was very hard. I was in a committed relationship with a girl with a woman and she I fell into a depression and ended up taking an anti-depressant that really just, you know, so my sex drive is already limited. But even with her, I didn't want her to do anything to me at that point. Like I would be totally fine pleasing her. But like, yeah, didn't want her to touch me. And so that was a weird point of tension in the relationship, even just as a kid, maybe 12, 13 years old when all my friends in school were like, oh, my God, this guy's so hot or like crushing on this guy and whatnot. Like, what does that even mean? Like it took several years till I found the the label asexual and was able to kind of find other people who were like me. It's important to note that there's a difference between HSDD and low sex drive or asexuality. The main one being that HSDD is characterized by a frustration with the lack of sex drive and a desire to see an increase. Whereas in Sam, for example, who identifies as asexual is not looking for a solution. Instead, she accepts her lack of drive as a part of her intimate truth or a sky would call it her satia. However, for people who are frustrated by the lack of drive, one of the more frustrating things on top of that is those who believe that the solution is as easy as just changing your mindset. I had an experience where because you kind of brought this up into my head where I was like, OK, just do it. Just like, say put it in your mind and just go and just like, you know, initiate this sex and my body just like started malfunctioning. Like I was it was very dry down there. Like things started making sounds, things started hurting. And it was just like, I can't think myself into it because I had a moment where I was like, OK, I could just, you know, think about it and it's just going to happen. And it was like that that moment was like the worst experience I ever had with my partner at the time. Now, you may have noticed that Lulu mentioned dryness or other malfunctions when she tried to initiate sex. Now, those are really important pieces of her sexual desire puzzle. So when you talk to your doctor, make sure you mention everything that you're experiencing so that your doctor has all of the information they need to properly help you to me. Feeling obligated to have sex or feeling as though a partner with a higher sex drive than myself being pushed into that. That's dishonoring my art in a way. That's dishonoring my emotions and my feelings. But it's hard because I want to step up to that, you know, like I feel so good when I have that high sexual drive that I want to be able to communicate that with somebody more than anything because I don't want low sex drive to end a relationship for me if it's a relationship that I want in a month to be in. But I think communication is just so insanely important to be able to talk with your partner with a loved one and explain to them how you're feeling and maybe how to go about it. Even if you don't know and communication is so wonderful, but it's not the answer to everything. It's just a tool to find the answer. And that's another I think feel like you had a light bulb just in my head. I think that's another reason why I don't connect with people like that is because I did try to communicate. And every time I would try to communicate with him, it was like, well, you just needed this. And then it was just a quick shutdown. Yeah. So I was just like, aren't we in this together? Just like Lulu did, a lot of people do try to go to their partners for support, but because there is a lack of public awareness of this dysfunction, when partners hear, hey, I just don't have the desire I used to, they can interpret that as I don't have the desire for you that I used to. And for many, that couldn't be any further from the truth. HSDD impacts more than someone's drive with just their partner. It also extends into other areas like not having sporadic, sexual thoughts or desires at all, not responding to erotic materials. And finally, not having a drive to masturbate. I would say when my sexual drive was normal, I would do that fairly regularly, like a few times a week. It would help me go to sleep sometimes because, you know, climaxing makes you tired. So and experiencing low sex, low sex drive, I don't really have the, the, I don't, yeah, I don't have the urge to do that. It's really like a last resort thing. If I can't sleep, that maybe happens like once a month. So, yeah, it's just not there. The desire is just not there. So across the board. Across the board, yeah, even with myself. So in that way, that's why I was like, oh, I should see a doctor about this. Because in that way, I'm like, that's not normal for me. It was the same way I was like going through the mechanisms in my head. And it just felt so disconnected that I was like, I'm not doing this. Like, I mean, I got like rivers and everything was flowing, but it was just like I don't feel anything. If you want to masturbate and you do, that's a form of self love and self care. But if you intend to masturbate with the intention of heightening your sex drive, it's never worked out that direction for me. HSDD is not a choice. It's a sexual dysfunction, kind of like a rectile dysfunction. As a matter of fact, a lot of HSDD treatments are referred to as the female Viagra and on one hand, that's helpful because it helps people understand that HSDD often requires medical treatment. On the other hand, it causes a lot of confusion about what the difference actually is. Someone break it down for you. Now, with a rectile dysfunction, that is when someone with a penis has a drive to have sex, but when they get there, they cannot maintain or get an erection. While HSDD is when someone does not have a drive to have sex and they find that lack of drive extremely frustrating. Think about it like this. A rectile dysfunction is like wanting to go out, get it in your car. But despite your enthusiasm, your car won't start while HSDD is feeling like you should go out, but having no drive to get up and go on your way. But what both dysfunctions have in common is stigma and the stigma in HSDD is so strong that it prevents majority of women from going to the doctors to discuss medical treatment options. So I asked the group has stigma prevented you from going to a doctor and asking if there's something that can help. I was just I was always scared and kind of a shame to even ask that because we're like humans and it's like it's supposed to be in our nature. So I didn't want to feel defective or like just weird in any way. So no, that's funny that you say that because that's the exact reason I did talk to my doctor was like, we're humans. I'm lacking this. I should talk about it. And then the reaction she gave me just was just dismissive. So I'm like, OK, well, find someone else. You know, even though I love her like I love my doctor, but she just didn't get it. So I guess for me, the only reason I did end up talking to my doctor was because I went in to talk about my depression and all of that. And so like it came up as well, possible side effects might be this. And so like I kind of knew it was coming, you know, in terms of yeah, taking the medication and like that might follow up. It's important to note that antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin, reuptake inhibitors or SSRIs have been shown to impact one sex drive. As Alana did, please be sure to talk to your doctor if you're on antidepressants and experiencing low sex drive. I'm so interested to know how we would go about dealing with low sex drive if we were fearless, like caution and safety considered. But if we weren't afraid to talk to our friends about it, we weren't afraid to talk to our partners. If we weren't afraid to ask our doctor or to try new things. I really am curious, like what that would look like. All right, so as we just saw, going to the doctors to discuss HSDD is not everyone's ideal entry point. In fact, a study of over 3,000 found that people suffering from low sex drive that was frustrating did not want to talk to their doctor because one, they were embarrassed or two, they feared that it wouldn't be taken seriously. And that is why over 80 percent of people who have frustrating low sex drive do not seek out medical help and find a solution that's right for them. And I think that has to change, but we got to meet people where they are. So if you do go to a doctor, for example, you will probably be given what is known as a decreased sexual desire screener test, which finds out if you are a candidate for an HSDD diagnosis. Well, unblushed.com has something similar called an HSDD symptom checker quiz. So I had everyone in the group do this quiz together to see if it brought up any topics that we hadn't yet addressed. And it's asking how the sex drive relates to poor body image. And I would say that it does. But I'm not quite sure which direction that flows. It may be both. Definitely when I have I'm having problems with body image, I definitely feel lower sexual drive. I'm not so sure low sex drive makes me feel any discomfort with my body, though. Like I said, I feel like generally when I've been experiencing low sex drive, I feel very low in my energy and passion in general. So I'm sure that makes sense as to why I didn't feel as though I had as much excitement to share with my partner. I have to open up. I have to get deep and am I ready to get deep? Yeah, part of that your responsibility is being open and recognizing that you're afraid of it or it's scary and uncomfortable and then doing it anyway, assuming it's a safe place to do so or safe relationship to do so. But the practice really makes such a difference because the more you do it, the more you have that conversation with different people, the easier it gets and the more you start to learn again, your own inner language of how to express. I have one that says we're not we're not connecting as much. And I think this is a really interesting question because personally throughout the two relationships that I did experience low sex drive, I definitely experienced a lack of wanting to connect in ways other than just through sex, I found like myself within a lack of passion. I'm comfortable opening up and talking. I just think it's just after receiving someone's reaction to what I'm saying, it makes me discouraged. And it's not always going to go great, but I think that you'll find something valuable out of it. I love to ask, I know even Sam, this is for you being here is you putting yourself in a situation that was very uncomfortable. I would like to check with you guys, how did today go for you? How do you feel today was like a big step because I know my family is going to see this and they're very like preservative and like punch my prayers and you're not talking about sex. You can just do it one time permits it. So I felt very nervous, but then I'm just like, I have to be my own person and be my like create this life for me, not just this narrative that was given to me. So I got comfortable as I started talking. Yeah, just being able to actually talk to people about these kinds of things and not have it be so internal. That's been cool because I haven't really talked to anybody about a lot of these things. And I want to be a part of this. Like I want to be a part of a revolution of people that feel much more comfortable talking about these kind of taboo things because I think it's so beneficial. And I do I feel a lot better after talking and hearing about everybody's experiences and I just I really, I really wish this kind of safe space upon people who needed it and also not just for people for women. Women were we were taught to be ladies. Like we can't talk about sex or we can't like explore that part of ourselves openly. And I feel like I've known that I was different from my aunts and my cousins for a while, but I just couldn't like pinpoint like what what was really different about me. And now I know that there's a lot of things different about me. And finally, the question that I like to end all group discussions with, if you were to give advice to your former self about how to manage your frustrating low sex drive, what would you say? I always say to myself, it's OK not to know everything, what you know, you know, and what you don't, you will learn. I would say there's just there's nothing wrong with you, per se. You are valid. You are valid. Yeah. Like there is no normal in terms of sex and sexuality. And like I'm still struggling with feeling abnormal sometimes. But like I would just say like just know there's nothing wrong. Yeah, don't be ashamed. There's so much more pleasure that I can receive in my body that isn't inherently sexual and so it doesn't have to be like intercourse. It doesn't have to be masturbation. Like there's so many other ways that my body can feel pleasure that could be sexual, could be just sensual. And so like my journey with exploring that has been really fun lately because I'm like, whoa, there's like a whole playground and I was only told about the slide. But there's like swings and a seesaw and a merry-go-round. There's so much more. I love that. Yeah, thank you. I feel like I'm like that's where I'm heading, like the exploration. Because I know I'm very sensual, like I like touches, I like smells, I like this. I know that about myself. Create space for yourself and honor that space regardless of whether people can or will most definitely and be honest, even at the expense of feeling scared. Thank you so much to the group for such an incredibly candid and powerful conversation. In addition, I want to say a massive thank you to the sponsor of this video, Unblush. Thank you for the work that you do. Thank you for providing a space to hold a discussion that has been kept in the dark for far too long. If you or someone that you know is struggling with HSDD or low sex drive, that is frustrating, I urge you to go over to unblush.com to find more resources. You can also find the symptom checker quiz that we did in this video on that site. And so in the info box below, you can find the links to that. And if you scroll down a little further after you hit some links, leave a comment, do you have an experience with low sex drive that you want to share? And if so, let's keep the discussion going.