 One of the self-styled experts who constantly plagiarizes my work once asked me Can you summarize a narcissist's life in under 30 seconds? I took it as a challenge to my grandiosity and I answered yes And here we go The narcissist is born as a cutest pilp-pillon cutie pie He's a baby and then he's traumatized and abused by parental figures Sometimes by peers or role models. There are many forms of abuse Remember spoiling, pampering, idolizing and pedestalizing are also forms of abuse because they instrumentalize and objectify the child So many $10 words Out goes the pilp-pillon and in comes the adult Narcissist this is the adult narcissist is happy. Go lucky He believes himself to be godlike and he looks for an intimate partner someone to Entrain which is a fancy word for brainwashing someone to entrain and to convert her into a figment of his shared Fantasy and this lasts for two three decades Out go these decades and this is the narcissist in his final years This is a cap which is intended to fend off Reality as you see this narcissist can no longer see what's happening around him He is deep into his mind the shared fantasy to cover He grows a very long white beard because that's how God look looks like in the Renaissance paintings and then He dies How did I do? The narcissist life in under 30 seconds, but in under two minutes actually, but Today we're going to discuss something that keeps recurring in the narcissist life early late and final stages and this is Frustration aggression not to remind you. There was a guy named dollard who in 1933 Proposed the frustration aggression hypothesis, which says simply that when you're frustrated You would tend to convert your frustration into aggression as we say today da Vuh, okay The narcissist handles Frustration very differently unlike healthy people as far as narcissists is concerned Any frustration is perceived as narcissistic injury and if the narcissists were to be frustrated in public That would constitute narcissistic modification The narcissist definition of frustration is also unusual It is any attempt to disagree with the narcissist criticizing Confront him limit his desires and urges not succumb to his wishes Not cater to his needs say not to him or even Possess boundaries if you are independent if you're autonomous if you're a gentek if you're boundary you cause the narcissist's frustration and he perceives it as a malevolent form of Opposition kind of narcissistic injury inflicted on purpose you are torturing him and this first perception of frustration as Narcissistic injury and modification Creates a lot of apprehension in the narcissist the narcissist is terrified of Being frustrated he anticipates frustration He catastrophizes it and this generates in him intolerable anxiety and stress When the narcissist is exposed to mounting amounts of anxiety and stress He decompensates in other words all his defenses shut down Including the infantile primitive defenses and especially the false self He becomes denuded of his defenses skinless defenseless and Clinically speaking the narcissist becomes a borderline. He switches in my work. He switches to a borderline self-state and He emotionally Disregulates and even acts out Exactly as a borderline does So when you see a narcissist frustrated anxious rageful Opposed confronted and Denied you see a narcissist who is fast becoming a borderline He would lash out. He would throw temper tantrums. He would emotionally dysregulate He would feel swamped by his own negative affectivity Anger envy hatred even and so on and this could push the narcissist Exactly as the it does the borderline. It could push the narcissist to become a secondary psychopath a Psychopath actually the borderline becomes a secondary psychopath because she possesses empathy and access to positive emotions The narcissist becomes a primary psychopath So let me clarify this because I've I misspoke a minute ago When the narcissist is faced with stress and anxiety and frustration the narcissist transitions Sometimes depending on the extent the narcissist transitions sometimes into a borderline state His defenses shut down and he emotionally dysregulates if the condition if the environment The frustrating environment persists the narcissist transitions to a primary Psychopathic state he becomes a psychopath the borderline transitions to a secondary psychopathic state So both the borderline and the narcissist they have a low frustration threshold Low tolerance for frustration and this leads the narcissist to desperate attempts To eliminate the source of frustration in the case of the narcissist frustration does breed aggression But in healthy people the aggression is intended to signal displeasure discomfort and Modify the other parties behavior When you're frustrated and if you're mentally healthy relatively speaking Your aggression would be intended to change the behavior of the person who is frustrating you Or to modify the environment in a way which would reduce reduce frustration It's not the case with the narcissist The narcissist aggression is externalized It's reckless It often culminates in verbal or physical violence And this is the process known as coercive snapshotting The narcissist aggression is intended to try to force you To conform to his expectations of you To try to force you to coalesce with to merge with with the internal object in his mind that represents you He wants you the narcissist wants you to stop existing outside his mind and to fuse Symbiotically with the object in his mind that represents you and this way of course to eliminate the frustration and if you refuse If you refuse to shut up if you refuse to succumb if you refuse to be submissive If you refuse to be obedient if you insist on your independence and personal autonomy and agency and self efficacy If you walk away if you in any of these cases the narcissist would try To act in a way that would either eradicate you obliterate you eliminate you annihilate you or coerce you Into behaving the way he wants to and this could culminate and escalate into physical violence definitely Narcissus perceive Perceive frustration is emanating from the inside you remember that narcissists are incapable of Perceiving external objects They're they're incapable of conceptualizing the separateness And the externality of objects. So as far as the narcissist is concerned You don't exist out there. There's no external object that is you There's only the internal object inside his mind that represents you and he Goes on interacting only with the internal object So if you frustrate the narcissist, he doesn't perceive it as coming from the outside He misperceives it as coming from the inside And his aggression is actually an attempt to reduce dissonance and anxiety By somehow Modifying you so that you again become a compliant internal object. It's an internal inside job It's not nothing to do with the outside Walking away Won't do the trick Because narcissists interact exclusively with internal objects They dehumanize you and then they objectify you You become a figment you become an avatar and interject and the narcissist mind. So the narcissist can't just Up and walk away. Say you're frustrating me. I'm gonna I'm out of here I don't want to be exposed to your frustration. So I'm out of here He can't do that because he carries you in his mind And you keep frustrating him from the inside Unless and until he gets rid of you Psychologically via in training or brainwashing physically Through violence or by coercing you to behave in a way Which does not challenge undermining and contradict the internal object unless he accomplishes one of these three solutions He the frustration the nagging frustration is going to persist Because it emanates comes from the internal object In his mind that represents you Your avatar is attacking him from the inside like some kind of trojan horse or fifth column Now I mentioned that the narcissist transitions to a borderline self state Under conditions of extreme duress stress and tension and anxiety The borderline self state is impulsive and destructive That is the famous narcissistic rage attacks the temper tantrums. They are actually A borderline self state not a narcissistic self state So more appropriately it wouldn't be called narcissistic rage, but borderline rage or dysregulated rage Ah coffee in the morning The psychopathic cold state Which in the narcissist is a primary psychopathic self state the classic psychopath is called Premeditated ruthless callous relentless Inhumanly dis empathic no empathy there Both the borderline state and the psychopath the primary psychopath self state A fantasy oriented because narcissism is a fantasy defense Gun haywire gun awry So everything is infused with fantasy. Even these self states are fantastic And they involve impaired reality testing but The psychopathic self state in the narcissist Is truly terrifying Think Chris Watts It's a truly terrifying state It's preceded by a covert state So when the narcissist transitions under stress under anxiety as a result of frustration mortification extreme narcissistic injury when he transitions To a borderline state and then from a borderline state or psychopathic state He goes through a covert phase There's a covert phase like a bridge between the borderline and the psychopathic state and during the covert phase He appears to be completely normal He suddenly becomes totally normal He doesn't rage He's not angry He is con he seeks consensus compromises. He's caring. He may even be loving. He is He is perfect. He's a perfect ideal partner He's a bit ponderous A bit brooding A bit spiteful somewhat passive aggressive There's there hints of sarcasm and bitterness He is determined But he is evasive He denies that there's any problem. He's overly polite pseudo civility. He's pseudo civil He is affected He is ostentatiously obedient as I said or caring and so on and throughout this Throughout this act of normalcy the mask of sanity The narcissist keeps imagining the final act of your destruction He goes into detailed planning Obtaining all the necessary tools and I'm not talking necessarily about physical violence It could be for example undermining or destroying your career It's a kind of revenge fantasy That doesn't necessarily involve your physical disappearance But definitely involves inflicting enormous damage on you Ruining you It could be for example Traumatizing you in a way that you will never recover from And this is done Sometimes very covertly Sometimes very overtly And it's very open to misinterpretation The victim often feels that she has had the upper hand or he has had the upper hand But that's a mistake The trauma is there eating away at the innards of the victim like some kind of parasite So all these revenge fantasies require a covert phase where the narcissist hides And disguises his intentions His detailed planning His premeditation His White hot A rage He's extreme hatred His conversion of your idealized object into a secretary object You become an enemy And his determination to destroy you To destroy you for good The borderline state is either sudden eruptive borderline state There's a there's calm There's no calm before the storm or the line suddenly transitions into A temper tantrum Begins to break objects This kind of thing So this is the eruptive borderline self-state And narcissists are famous for it. These are the this is the famous narcissistic rage or temper tantrums But there's another Option not the possibility There's a borderline Self-state which is not eruptive There's no calm before the storm. There's just a transition to the storm But there's another self-state another variant of borderline self-state Where there's gradual escalation In the in this particular variant of the borderline self-state of the narcissist The narcissist Wants to provoke a fight It attempts to preq to needle you to provoke you to and this is projective identification a Spoiling for a fight Is looking to create a situation or an environment Which would accommodate his alloplastic defenses where he could blame you for for starting everything So this is more of a covert strategy and very typical of covert narcissists To summarize when the narcissists is either duress or stress or anxiety or tension humiliation injury modification Narcissist transitions to a borderline self-state In the borderline self-state. He could become eruptive after a period of calm That is like the calm before the storm or he could become escalate escalatory could escalate He could create the preconditions for a fight Where he would be wherever his misconduct would be legitimized by your reactive so-called abuse And then The most narcissists not all transition to the psychopathic self-state and this is where the danger lies In the psychopathic self-state. It looks as if the conflict is over As if as if everything is back to normal As if you have nothing to worry about as if things have been resolved a concern consensus has been restored peace Truce and ceasefire have been declared but all this time all this time The narcissist is planning his revenge his payback and your destruction He's a great actor and he can deceive you into um a kind of complacency This is what happened with hamas and israel by the way okay Now the narcissist's alloplastic defenses alloplastic defenses to remind you is when you blame other people For your own behavior the consequences of your behavior. You don't accept them. You reject them You said they made me do it I acted this way because I had because I had no choice They discriminated against me. They abused me. They attacked me. I'm the victim That's alloplastic defense. The narcissist's alloplastic defenses justify the narcissist's aggression and even violence There is an external locus of control. The narcissist Attributes his motivations Misattributes his motivations to to the others to other people They He outsources his motivation. He says you made me do it Which is like saying you controlled me It's an external locus of control and this aggravates the anti social behaviors because the narcissist begins to perceive this whole thing as an issue of survival The question of survival if he doesn't prevail is going to be eradicated. He's going to die So he must win Winning becomes the be all and end all And then if he fails to win He sinks In into an extreme depressive or dysphoric mood Often accompanied by substance abuse and withdrawal or avoidance from reality Routines Daily routines or professional routines are impeded and disrupted and so on so forth. The narcissist basically falls apart This integrates and transitions gradually into a pre-psychotic stage I've discussed this in in other videos now Narcissist often use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them intimacy breeds Abusing aggression in the narcissist because it's very threatening Narcissist dread intimacy Some narcissists move from abstract aggression The emotion leading to violence and permeating it to the physically concrete sphere of violence As they dehumanize and objectify even their nearest and dearest The narcissist aggression shifts from inanimate objects I don't know throwing cups of coffee breaking furniture slashing tires Your tires He moves from this to animate objects You people around them They don't see any distinction between inanimate and animate objects You're just an object in the narcissist mind Many narcissists don't forget are also paranoid and vindictive. That's the really really dangerous type They aim to punish by tormenting They aim to destroy the source of frustration and pain They stalk they harass This is the kind of narcissists who end up ends up murdering people or Doing away with families, you know whole family There's a typology of of revenge here the need The urge to seek revenge on on wrongdoers and evildoers. That's that's as ancient as men come And there's an argument to be made that nothing is wrong with it It's a deterrence And retaliations retaliation restores a sense of justice justice is important But people attempt to address in to address their grievances in three ways And the narcissist gets the proportions wrong Let me let me discuss this a bit. Let me elucidate this a bit The first way to to obtain revenge Or to restore justice, which is the way I look at it wiedergutmachung in in german is punitive moralistic The aim of this type of vengeance is to restore justice as I said and with it The victim's view of the world is orderly predictable structured and casual and causal So This kind of revenge has to do with a victim Not with a perpetrator The victim just wants to feel at home in the world again The victim just wants to feel that she will not become the arbitrary random capricious target of some Perpetrators should be punished victims should be soothed and elevated and society should publicly acknowledge Who is who and meet out opprobrium and saccour and punishment? Respectively, this is the punitive moralistic Attitude and this kind of revenge Um is healthy But like everything else in psychology it has a malignant variant It tends to devolve in mentally ill people it tends to devolve into an obsession It becomes intrusive uncontrolled thoughts take over And then it becomes a compulsion an irresistible urge to behave in a way that is sometimes criminal Or inconsistent with one's values Or even inconsistent with one's true wishes Incommentary with one's skills needs long-term interest capabilities were withle and so on so forth It becomes in short of revenge fantasy So this kind of revenge the punitive moralistic revenge if it is not checked by society Could become a crusade of vengeance and individuals individuals crusade of vengeance and ruin the mental health of the victim As she becomes gradually a perpetrator of her own abuse and and even crimes This kind of vengeance is unhealthy and in the long term counterproductive As it taxes the victim's Time and resources, especially mental resources. It adversely affects Her other relationships. It renders her dysfunctional and ultimately it consumes her and she becomes insane period The second type of revenge is narcissistic revenge Vindictiveness is the narcissist way of restoring his self-imputed grandiosity and of recuperating from a narcissistic injury As this is especially true in narcissistic modification and it is known as the external solution I urge you to watch my narcissistic modification videos Having fallen prey to malfeasance or to crime Or to mistreatment or even to mere confrontation or disagreement or criticism Having come across someone who is boundary and independent and does not want to become refuses to become A an element in a shared fantasy an internal object the narcissist Regards himself as having been victimized He begins to self-chastise because inside the narcissist There is a bad object inside the narcissist. There's a coalition of voices That keeps telling him kept keeps informing him How inadequate he is How gullible how stupid how unworthy how ignorant how helpless and so on so forth and he needs to silence these voices The only way to silence these voices is to prove them wrong By demonstrating omnipotence Godlike a godlike quality. You're wrong. I'm good. I'm gonna prove to you that I'm good because I'm gonna punish My abusers. I'm gonna punish the people who have victimized me This experience starts with a humiliation The circumstances of victimhood Contrast sharply with the narcissist's inflated view of himself as omnipotent, omniscient, brilliant, shrewd, perfect and so on and so forth invincible So by bringing the alleged or perceived perpetrator or culprit to utter ruin The narcissist regains his grandiose inflated fantastic sense of self or actually regains or reactivates his false self In short when the narcissist punishes someone he perceives as a perpetrator When he punishes someone who refused to comply With his demands refused to be submissive to him obedient When he punishes someone like that someone who has humiliated him in public or in private injured him, mortified when he punishes the source of this frustration and pain He reconstitutes and regains Is the cognitive distortion of grandiosity he is again godlike he restores his divinity So whenever you by the way engage in some kind of revenge fantasy or even actions of vengeance and revenge ask yourself Is your bruised ego Is your grandiosity is your narcissism the main reason for your indignation and spite And if it is try to separate the elements of your conduct that have to do with your justified grievance And the elements of your conduct that revolve around your unhealthy narcissism Avoid The latter pursue the former Whenever you have a grievance Whenever you want to restore a sense of justice whenever you want to punish justly A perpetrator ask yourself What's the extent of my revenge fantasy? What's the extent of my retribution? My pursuit of the perpetrator Have I gone over the line? Have I myself become a narcissist and a psychopath? Is it about Restoring justice and protecting others and so or is it about my own narcissistic sadistic psychopathic gratification? You'll be surprised very often. It's the latter case And finally the strogmative restorative Revenge With this type of revenge the victim merely wishes to restore her fortunes and to reassert her rights In other words to revert the world to its erstwhile state by acting Against her perpetrator or violator decide decisively and assertively the victim says I just want the world to be back as it used to be I just want to restore everything the way it used to be And this is essentially a healthy Functional and just way of coping with the pain and damage Wrought by other people's malicious and permitted premeditated misbehavior Reparations for example compensation victim compensation all these are forms of pragmatic restorative revenge A pragmatic restorative revenge Is another name for justice It's the only healthy type The narcissist engages In the first two types punitive moralistic and narcissistic and almost never With the engages with the third type pragmatic pragmatic restorative Healthy people engage in pragmatic restorative Retribution or punishment and almost never with narcissistic Or moralizing punitive kind of revenge. So this is the distinction between narcissists and healthy people I hope this presentation has not been too aggressive and Hadn't hasn't caused you narcissistic injury and modification But if it has Feel free to go after me in a punitive moralistic narcissistic or pragmatic restorative way You choose