 The Herald Perry Show! Hee hee hee! And now, Herald Perry, as Honest Herald, the homemaker. Well, the talk of Melrose Springs this week is the big Thanksgiving play, the courtship of Miles Standish, which is to be given at the local high school. The director and star of this epic drama is none other than the Orson Wells of Melrose Springs, Honest Herald. Right now we find our impresario at home having a costume fitting for his role of John Alden. Eh, almost through, Mother. Just a minute, Harold. You know, I think these old blue surge trousers are going to make fine knee britches. Oh, I guess so. A little tight, but I'll take it easy when I bow. Oh, still now. I'll just pin these pants up. Put a pin in front. And a pin in there. Watch it, Mother. I just know the play will be wonderful with my son directing it and starring in it. Thank you, Mother. I also rewrote it a little too. Oh, you did? Yeah, my boss Stanley Peabody is playing Miles Standish. I cut his part way down. Harold. And I build up my part of John Alden a little bit. You know, Theodore, the new dancing teacher is playing Priscilla. Oh, yes. She's very pretty. She sure is. I wrote some additional dialogue for my scene with her. Additional dialogue? Yeah, I put in a few kisses. Well, better get dressed and get right down to Theodore's Dancing Academy. There's a rehearsal call for our love scene this morning. There is? Yeah, I just called it. See you later, Mother. Theodore. Gosh, I'm glad she came into my life. Rehearsing with her is going to be lots of fun. I'll make this one of those real kisses. The kind would cost you two dollars in a taxi cab. Yoo-hoo, Theodore. Angel K. Hello. How's little old Curly Lashes today? Curly Lashes. It was nice of you to come and see your little Theodore. Well, of course, this is strictly business, Theodore. I came over to rehearse the play. Let's get down to kissing. Business. Of course, I made a few little changes in our scene. The way I got it now, Priscilla and John Alden are sitting on the sofa. Sofa? Oh, clever, clever boy. I thought so. Well, shall we sit down? All righty. Oh, yes, I made one other little change. John Alden kisses Priscilla. He kisses her? Harold! Isn't that going a little far for a pilgrim? Well... Haven't you ever heard of the pilgrim's progress? Yes, sir. We'll start the scene with my speech. Priscilla, I, John Alden, speak not for myself, but for my good friend, Captain Miles Standish. Why don't you speak for yourself, John? Me? You're so handsome. The most charming man I've ever seen. Sounds good. Oh, I wrote that. You're so masterful. John. Here it comes. Why don't you kiss me? All right. Pucker up, Priscilla. Oh, there's someone at the door. Oh, my goodness. Come in. Here you are. Howdy, folks. Pete, the Tom Marshall. Hope I ain't interrupting anything. What do you want, Pete? Well, I want to talk to you, boy. You two big men, go right ahead and talk. I'll be in the reception room. All right, Pete, what is it? You were getting pretty cozy there, weren't you, boy? Priscilla and John Alden smooching on the sofa. That's a doozy. Now, Pete, what do you want to see me about? Well, I'm having trouble with my part in the play. I keep forgetting all that stuff you told me to do. Oh, for heaven's sake. Maybe if I put it down on my notebook, I could keep it straight. Well, all right, but hurry it up. There I see now. I come in and I say, I am a trapper lost in the woods. I wonder where I am at. Don't just stand there. Pete, look around. Look around? Yeah, let me write that down. Now, go on, Pete. Oh, my. What is that behind the tree? That's where you take four steps. After I take four steps, let me write that down. Hurry up, Pete. Now, that's when you see the bear behind the tree. The bear? Yeah, remember, Doc Yancey is a bear. Doc Yancey is a bear. Let me write that down. Now, what comes next, Harold? That's where the bear growls. Grrr. How do you spell grrr? Come on. Pete, would you get on with the scene? Oh, my. Here comes the bear. Grrr. What did you say, Harold? That was me growling. Oh, got stomach trouble, boy. Pete, you're a dope. Why don't you write that down? You're a dope. It's your Harold. I can remember that. I'll see you later. Yes, Theodora. Yes, Harold, coming. Sorry we were interrupted. Shall we rehearse the scene now? All righty. John. Yes, Priscilla. Why don't you kiss me? All right. Yeet, gods, who's that? Oh, Theodora. Hello, Dr. Yancey. Hello, Harold. Hello, Doc. What do you want, you old horse, Doctor? Harold, I've been working on my part of the bear all morning, and I've got some wonderful ideas how to play it. Well, Doc, all you have to do is growl. Oh, I know there's different ways to growl, Harold. What? Now, this is an angry bear. I don't let it frighten you, Mr. Theodora. I'm just acting. Come on, Doc. All right. Now, here goes. Grrr. Oh, that was wonderful, Dr. Yancey. Thank you. I could also make him a friendly bear like this. Huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And then there's the melon-cally bear whose mate's run away and left him. He's real sad, you know. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. No wonder she left him. And Harold, I had another idea. What is it? Well, suppose at the end of the scene I get up on behind legs and recite a poem. A poem? Yes. It's a very dramatic poem called The Cowl. Yep. It goes like this. Some other time, Doc. Jake Simpson was a coward, afraid of people half his size. If a gun went off, he'd run a mile. He was even afraid of flies. Doc! But cowards sometimes make heroes. When the town was struck by flood, the women deserted their children and the husband ran off in the mud. Doc! When the others had fled from the flood from their wives and their little ones slid, did Jake leave his wife and his family? Bet your life he did. Doc, that's horrible. All right, Harold, if you don't appreciate art, it's all right with me. Goodbye, Mr. Adora. Goodbye, Doctor. Goodbye, Doctor. I'll practice some more. Grrr! It's the most important part. Well, Adora, let's go. Hello! Now, who is that? Uh-huh. Oh, my goodness, the firehouse four. Well, hello, folks. Hello, team. I brought the boys over, Harold. Thought we might run over our number. Not now, boys. What are you cute fire laddies going to do in the show? Well, ma'am, we come out, dress as Indians and sing shortening bread. But that's not an Indian song. That's the only one they know. It took them five years to learn that. But, Harold, we fixed the number so we'll sound like Indians. What? You ready, fellas? Mammy's little baby loves shortening. Shortening. Mammy's little baby loves shortening bread. Oogh! Four Nelson Eddies. Mammy's little baby loves shortening bread. Oogh! Indians! Put on the skillet. Oogh! Put on the lid. Oogh! Boys! He's going to make it as shortening bread. Oogh! Oogh yourself. I'm getting out of here. What a morning. Oogh. Oh, well, the show isn't all of tomorrow night. Still a lot of time to rehearse with Theodora. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have to laugh when I think of Stanley Peabody playing Miles Standish. He may be my boss at the radio station, but... Hem! Oh, my goodness, speak of Peabody. And there he is. I want to talk to you. Oh, hello, Stanley. Well, Miles Standish, have you learned your part for the play? What part? Ha. When you first gave me the role, I had 12 pages of dialogue. Now I can put my part in a postage stamp. And, brother, are you stuck with it? Yeah, yeah. I am unhappy with my part. Do you hear me? Hear you. You almost blew me across the street, Stanley. I notice you gave yourself the best role in the play. John Alden. John Alden? Oh, that isn't much of a part. Miles Standish is really the star. Star? Ha. For four acts, all I do is fight Indians offstage. Well, you win, don't you? And you have all the love scenes with the girl. Love scenes? Well, what do they mean, Stanley? Nothing. Anybody can do that. But Miles Standish is the role of a lifetime. An actor's dream. And because you're my old friend, Stanley, I gave the part to you. Hemp. I'm touched. You're a real friend. But I can't let you make this sacrifice. We'll change parts, Hemp. I want you to be the star. And remember, you work for me, Hemp. Now, you're Miles Standish. That's an order. And I'll play the part of John Alden with all those silly little love scenes. But I know we'll both be very happy with our new parts. Won't we, Miles? Speak for yourself, John. We will return for the second act of our story, Honest Harold, in just a moment. Just a little later this evening on CBS, screen star Paul Douglas will visit Bing Crosby, and the two of them will be reminiscing about the good old days. We hope you'll stay with us and be listening when Paul Douglas comes to call on Crosby later this evening. I will. The Bing Crosby Show has heard every Wednesday evening on most of these same CBS stations. And now, back to Honest Harold, the homemaker. Well, it is the night before the Thanksgiving play, the courtship of Miles Standish. But Honest Harold hasn't much to be thankful for. He wound up with the part of Miles Standish, and his boss, Stanley Peabody, is going to do all the courting. Right now, we find our disappointed lover at home, just finishing dinner before going to dress rehearsal. Oh, no, Harold. You mustn't feel bad just because you're not going to play John Alden. Well... And you look so distinguished in your Miles Standish costume. Oh, I can just see you standing there, stroking your beard. Yeah, and while I'm stroking my beard, Stanley will be kissing Theodora. But that's just in the play. They'll only be acting. I don't know, Mother. Sometimes these acting romances get out of hand. Look at Harold Flynn. Harold, I'm sure Theodora prefers you to stand. I don't know, Mother. After all, he's a lot flashier than I am. He's the Chrysler type. What am I? Just a 36 Essex with a bent bumper. Why don't you call Theodora right now and ask the driver to rehearsal? Well... I'm sure she'd be delighted. Yeah, maybe you're right, Mother. No harm in trying. Here. Just because Theodora and Stanley are lovers in the play, that doesn't mean anything. Hello. Hello. Theodora? This is Harold. Oh, hello, Angel Cake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Angel Cake, that's sweet. I was just wondering if I could drive you to the rehearsal at the high school tonight. Oh, you're a darling to ask me. Well? But I can't go with you. Oh. I'm going with Cutie Pie P-Body. Cutie Pie P-Body? Yes. In his little old Nile Green town and country. Yep. I hope you don't mind. Mind? No, of course not. After all, what am I? It's a 36 Essex. What? Don't worry about me. I'll see you at the rehearsal, Miss Theodora. I've lost my Theodora. Here I am with a broken heart and a bent bumper. A little close, too. Thank you. Now, this is the final dress rehearsal of our play, so let's get out of business, folks. First, we'll see if everybody is here. Gloria? Giggling Gloria. Pete? Here, boy. Doc Yancey? Firehouse 4. Indians. Oh, Indians. Okay, fellas. Mammy's little baby loves shortening, shortening. Boys! Mammy's little baby loves shortening, Fred. That will do. Priscilla and John Alden. Theodora and Stanley. Those are out joyriding in Stanley's town and country. Well, who cares? We'll start without them. On stage, everybody. Where's my megaphone? All right, Raymond. Overture. Okay, cuz. Take it, men. That'll set the mood. Yeah. To your information, Raymond, the Pilgrims did not go in for Dixieland. And take that derby off that cornet. We've got enough funny hats in this show now. Okay. Now, we take the prologue. Pilgrim made. Gloria. Oh, oh, me? Yes, you. Gee, I don't know if I can do this. Come on, Minnie. Ha, ha. You've crossed the sea three times. Now, go on, Gloria. Oh. Indians. Indians. Indians. Okay, fellas. What? Mammy's little baby loves shortening, shortening. Oh! Never make it. We'll take it later. Theodora and Stanley. You save it cute as things. Stanley Wanley. Oh, hello, Hal. Hello. I hope it wasn't too much trouble for you to attend our rehearsal, mayor. Why, Haroldy, Haroldy? Jealous? I am not. That's ridiculous. Just thinking about the show, that's all. On stage. Everybody, immediately. All right, Harold. Come on, Theo. Theo, eh? Certainly getting familiar. We're ready, Ham. We're ready, Ham. All right. Miss Theodora, Stanley, we'll take your scene from the very beginning. Oh, we know the beginning. Why don't we start where we sit on the sofa? On the sofa? Yes. You know, the part you rewrote. I hate him. Priscilla, I have come to speak for my friend. Why don't you speak for yourself, John? Me? John, you're so handsome. Handsome? I've seen better-looking skeletons than him. You're so strong, so masterful. Sneaky imitator. John, John, my darling. I can't stand this. John, why don't you kiss me? All right. Cut! It's done finishing this scene. Yeah, but I have to rehearse my part, Stanley. My old standage. Your part? Yes. All you do is stand off stage and fight Indians. Indians? Okay, fellas. Mamma's a little baby, like chocolate. Why don't you pose? Keep it up, fellas. I'll sing it with you. Mamma's a little baby, like shortening, shortening. Mamma's a little baby, like shortening, red. Oh! The show's getting off to a good start. Overture's going fine. I'll just take another peek to this hole in the curtain now. Well, a lot of people out there. Well, Captain Miles' standage, the show must go on. Let's finish the overture. This is it. Pull up the curtains. Gloria, where are you? Here I am. Well, go out on the stage. You're the prologue. I feel so silly. Stop that giggling, Gloria. Get out there. All right. I hope she doesn't fall in the footlights. Or do I? Hello, Gloria. Gloria? Ah, she's got the giggles again. Where are those Indians? Hey, Firehouse 4. We're right here, Harold. Oop. Don't sneak up on me with those moccasins on. Don't forget, boy, you back me up on my solo first. Then you do shortening, Brad. Okay. Curtain? Thank you. Thank you. Glad you recognized me with this beard. Firebell, boys. Oh, my goodness. What a time for a fire to break out. Must be a short circuit at the beauty shop again. Follow me, man. Boys, Indians. Hey, we'll break down the doors of our tomahawk. Follow us. Follow us. Places? Ready? Yeah, I'm ready, boy. How about you, Doc? Okay. Curtain? Okay, Pete. You're in the stage direction, too. Off the stage. Get off of there before you get the bird. God, will somebody say something? I'll save the day. What? Gage Simpson was a coward. A famous people. Thank goodness it's almost over. Now, I've got to watch that courtship scene with Stanley and Theodora that I wrote. Look at her out there at the spinning wheel. Gosh, she looks pretty. How could she be so fickle? Out of my way. Out of my way, hemp. I've got to make my entrance. Hello, Stanley. Well, Captain Miles Standish, I'm going in. I'm going in and kiss your girl now. I hope he gets a run in his stocking. Sit on the sofa. Lounge lizard. Handsome. Looks like an ad for Quaker Oats. Here comes the kissing scene. I'll close my eyes. So masterful. Well, yes, I am. But I, John Alden, speak not for myself, but for my good friend Captain Miles Standish who waits without. You said it. Captain Standish is more handsome, strong, and masterful than I. He is? Then why don't you send him in? What? You do it. Say, that's me. Come in, Priscilla. Priscilla. Kiss. You said it. Step aside, John, old boy. Just a minute, hemp. Miles Standish never got the girl. You don't know your long fellow. You don't know this short fellow. Uh, pucker up, Priscilla. You go out and fight Indians, John. Man's little baby loves short things. Must have been a false alarm. Thank you. Now I'd kind of like to take off my Miles Standish whiskers and be just playing Harold Perry for a moment. Introduced to you a very charming lady, the winner of our National Laugh Contest, who came all the way from station WNOX and Knoxville, Tennessee to be officially crowned Miss Murthquake of 1950, Mrs. Lena Duncan. Wonderful, but Mrs. Duncan, that was kind of a puny laugh. I don't think the folks in Knoxville heard that. Oh, I bet they heard that without benefit of radios. Been having a good time here in Hollywood. I've had a wonderful time. Mrs. Duncan, it made me very happy that you were our winner. Thank you, Mr. Perry. It made me happy, too. Oh, still happy because we've let our honored guest, a merry chase from the moment you stepped off that TWA plane. Yes, sir, she spent a week at the Hollywood Country Club Hotel. We showed her off at MGM Studios, took her to Glamour's Cirrus. She met Amos and Andy Evard and Jack Benny. She was on television with our Mr. Jack Meakin. She did a broadcast with George Fisher. Went to Cirno de Bergerac Premier and had breakfast with Jimmy Starr this morning. He even paid the check. He's tired just thinking about it, folks. Life in Knoxville is going to seem just a little humdrum after a week in Hollywood, isn't it? It'll be good to get home. You husband and son, eh? Well, I know that all the folks in Knoxville are mighty proud of you, Mrs. Duncan, and so are we. So at this time, I'd like to officially dub you, Ms. Murthquake of 1950, and present you with your scepter. In behalf of our cast, Gloria Holiday, Joe Kerns, Jane Morgan, Parley Bear, Olin Soleil, Mari Alden, Eddie Firestone, Harry Stanton, and the Fire Boys, our writers, Jean Stone and Jack Robinson, our director, Norman MacDonald, Jack Meakin, our musical director, Dave Light on Sound, Joe Swagger, our engineer, Bob LeMonde, our announcer. I'd like to thank everybody connected with the promotion of the Laugh Contest. You were wonderful and wish you all a happy Thanksgiving. Good night, folks. You have been listening to the Harold Perry Show, Honest Harold. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System. Good night, folks.