 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Caronash with Alan Reed as the twine. Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventure. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, America is a land with a very high standard of living. Everybody is saving some money so you can buy a refrigerator, a washing machine, a dishwasher, and a vacuum cleaner. Seems like everybody here has got these things. People who can afford, they buy. People who can't afford, they go on a quiz program. Another big American thing, everybody has got a car. They've got all kinds of here. There's the sedans, the trailers, the trucks, and America is so rich they even have got a car for chicken. That's called a coupe. A car is a wonderful thing. You remember Mama Mia and the older country during the war, how American boy is it taking me for driving is a car. Well, it wasn't exactly a car. It wasn't something like a cementer mixer. And I hate to call it a Jeep. Mama Mia, how that car is a shake. Remember once how we go for a ride, me and Uncle Pietro and his goat? And when we come back, I'm losing my watch. Uncle Pietro is losing his teeth. And the goat is refused to give a milk for three days. Since that time, I'm always the one to own my own car. And after one year, I must have a hundred dollars, and now I'm going to make my dream come true. Of course, it would a hundred dollars, I'm not going to afford another 1949 car. I'm going to have to be satisfied with a 48. But right now is the time for my night school class, so I'm going to go and ask my teacher Miss Folding for advice about the buying a car. Class, all right, let's come to attention. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko. Present. Mr. Howard. Present. Mr. Olsen. Present. Mr. Schultz. Absent. Mr. Schultz, you're present. Why do you say absent? I just want to create a sensation. Oh, thank you, fellow boobers. Thank you. All right, Mr. Schultz, you can stop buying. Now, class, our lesson. Oh, yes, Mr. Basko, what is it? Well, Miss Folding, today's a bigger day in my life, and I'm like so much if the classes are helping me. Well, certainly, Mr. Basko. What is it? Well, today I'm going to buy my own car. A car? Oh, no easy. It's a big shot. A big shot, it's an explosion. Class, please. Mr. Basko, why don't you wait until after the bell? I'm sure one of your classmates can help you in the selection of a car. Now, class, our lesson for today is spelling. We are going to study words which contain letters that we don't pronounce. Now, Mr. Basko, will you volunteer to spell the word knife? Knife. K-N-I-F-Z is a silent. Not exactly. Mr. Schultz, will you try? I try, but I don't give a guarantee. Knife. B... Just a moment, Mr. Schultz. There is no B in knife. This is a boy-style knife. Class, I will spell the word. K-N-I-F-E. K-N-I-F-E. That's Knife. No, the word is knife. K is the silent letter. K is always silent in front of N. Is that so? What about Knackburg? Now, will someone in the class give us an example of another word with a silent letter? Oh, yes, Mr. Olsen? Yes. In the sentence, N-A-S-M-I-T, N-A-S-T is spelled Y-N-A-F-A in the Y-E-S-S-I-L-N preceding the N. Oh, what a showoff! If I was so smart, I'd shoot myself! Please, Mr. Schultz. Please, that was excellent, Mr. Olsen. Excuse me, Mr. Basko. I'm always known that N-A-S-T has a silent letter, but this silent letter, G, is in the 49er model, too? Now, that's the kind of fella I like, a sedumbe! No, no, Mr. Basko. I can see you can't get your mind off cars. Now, can anyone here tell Mr. Basko where to get a car? Louis. How about Louis, the lunatic? That's right, Louis. You go right down to Automobile Row on Dearborn Street. Dearborn Street? Yeah, yeah, but you've got to be careful with these dealers. You know, they are all sharpshooters. On account of them, my brother Ludwig got the best buy in his life. In three years, he's never had a flat, never had to change a spark plug, never use of any oil. No, the rubble at all. What is he, a bike? A horse and rager. Excuse me, sir, I'm getting a little tired of your... Oh, that's right! Sometimes they act like a lot of little school children to knock for. Excuse me, Mr. I'm a like to buy a car here. Yes, sir, you've picked the right lot, I get just what you want. 2300, 2700, 3500, anything you like, drive it right out. How much do you want to spend? One hundred dollars. Well, come on over here around the back, we might find something for you. All right, sir. Ah, now there we are, here is a fine selection of cars around the hundred dollar class. Ah, nice, eh? Looks just like a museum. Well, now let's see, just what kind of a car do you have in mind? How about a convertible, eh? Do you like to drive with the top down? No, I'm always a wearer hat. Well, how about this car here? Do you like it? It's an old. No, that's a tool. Hey, Mr. Jumbo, drive a car before. Well, a long time ago in the older country. Oh, I... You see, I'm not the long from it. I see. Well, now, buddy, I got just the car for you. Yes, sir, here it is, a stud. Hardly been used in the last 32 years. Well, look at the dashboard, only 5000 miles. And I'm the original guy who pushed back the speedometer. That is a good hat. Oh, it's sensational. Not like any ordinary car, you know. This car is different. No windshield, no bumpers, no radio, no heater, no spare tire, no fuel pump, no radiator. Just a good, honest set of used parts. Now, I'm not so sure that you've got the money. If you've got it, put up or shut up. That's the American way. Well, sure, sure, I got the money here. Well, that's the ticket. 100 old dollar bills. We've been waiting for you. Here's the bill of sale signed right here. You got a driver's license? No, but I can drive. Okay, then drive right down the city hall, get a learner's permit. Hop in, that's right. We stand behind every car we sell. Only way we can push him off the lot. Get set, goodbye. All right. Mama, we're going to fight. Three, four to five of miles an hour. What's going on? How much do I have to buy myself a car? Or what does it look like? How many guesses do you give me? You're just saying that because I didn't need any help from you. Now help her from me, eh? Hey, Luigi, why are you putting those two blocks under the front wheel? That's an intervention emergency break. That's why I know he's not the best car, but at least he's all the money. Now I can drive down the street and everybody's to say, look, Luigi, he's a look like a real American. Yeah, and this car, you look like a real American. Buffalo Bill. Tell me something, Luigi. You got auto insurance? Auto insurance or what's that? Well, it's like a life insurance, so you don't get a pay until the car dies. Looking under your car, I'm going to think that somebody's already collected. Then I'm going to need the insurance. Oh, but there's insurance. You've got to have it so much more important. That's for accidents. There's a single indemnity. That's if you hit a one person. Then there's a double indemnity. That's if you hit a twiddle. For the first quality, I'm not going to hit anybody. What are you talking about? You got a car, use it. For the first quality, I'm just spending all of my money on my car. I'm going to know kind of for this insurance. Oh, Luigi, that's so bad. Bad? Horrible. Tell me, little man, you've got an operator's license? For the first quality, what for? I'm going to need operator license. I'm not going to work for the phone company. I can show how stupid you are. Operator license is the meaning when you hit somebody, you've got a license to operate on them right away. And you ain't got that either. Hope is quality. All I'm got is a learner's permit and a book rules it to study. What am I going to do? I should never have bought a car without asking you what if I first? Man, that's the first the smartest thing I've ever heard since we started talking. Luigi, when I'm seeing you look so sad, my heart is melted like a parmesan cheese and a heart of spaghetti. You know what I'm going to do for you? What, Pascuali? I'm going to pay for your auto insurance. I'm going to see to it you get your operator license, your driver license, and instead of this old Jalopy, I'm going to buy you a brand new car. Pascuali, you're going to do all of this for me. But why? Because I'm a lovey you, you little pumpkin of hair. With eyes like a two pumpkin seeds and a nose like a banana. Oh, stop it, Pascuali. You're making me blush in the street. And now that I'm going to do you a little favor, maybe you do me a little favor. Favor, what the favor you want I should do for you? Well, the while you're down a city hall and getting your driver's license and your operator's license, maybe you go to the next window and get a one or more license. Well, sure, Pascuali. What the kind of license you want I should again? Marriage license for my daughter Rosa. No, Pascuali. I'm not going to marry Rosa. She's a two factor for me. Luigi, that's a no fair to call a girl a factor just because she's happened the way 240 pounds. 250. What do you say? I say 250. I say 240. She's a no-have-a-sup-a-yes. Do me a favor. Just marry Rosa for a little while. You'd be surprised to have my little flower she's going to grow out of you. Pascuali, I'm a no-flower pattern. It's stupid and now I'm going to tell you something. They're never going to give you a driver's license without all the wreck you bought. No. Now are you lucky if you stay out of jail? Jailer? Sure. When you start driving through the streets like a crazy man chasing people down the stairs and up the roofs and running for their lives, you know what it's going to say in a newspaper headline? What? Chicago's a hipster by a new atom bomb. Mama Mia, but you start out to buy a car and now I'm lucky if America doesn't declare a war on me. The second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago we turn to page two of his letter to his mother-in-law. So Mama Mia, although I'm realizing my big ambition to own a car like a real American, I'm afraid it's going to bring me a lot of trouble. Pascuali doesn't say my car is a little so terrible I'm never going to get a driver's license so I'm going to try to fix it up. I'm going to shine up at the car nice and clean with the two cans of a shoe polish. Hold still, I'm going to put the wallpaper on the inside. And to make it a car look more expensive, I'm going to paint a spare tire on the back. But still I'm having a lot of trouble with a car. Three times a day the street cleaning department has tried to take it away. Biggest trouble I'm having is reading the rule book and trying to learn the traffic rules for my driving test. Mama Mia, what's the rule? Put a hand out to for left to turn, hand out to for right to turn, hand out to for stop, hand out to for to go. Mama Mia, this is a book that must be for a man with a forehand. So I'm sitting here studying when it suddenly has opened up for my door. Luigi, my friend, I was just passing by and I had to stop in. I just saw your car outside on item. Congratulations, you are making such a wonderful deal. All right, thank you, sir. How much did the man pay you for taking it off his lap? She'll simply pay the man a $100 for this car. $100? She'll see you think I was stuck? Stuck? Luigi, you was harpooned. Now like that I got only one piece of advice for you. How should I keep moving because of you ever star people will think you are in an accident. Well I've got to go now. Goodbye Luigi. Goodbye, she'll. Well Luigi, she are happy. Smile, nothing in this world is worth crying about. For a short time spending my life done on a bad car and I'm gonna go today for a drive and a test. I'm not gonna understand the rules than all that's left for me is to marry past colleague of daughter Russia. If you was in a my place, what would you do? Himmel would I let out a scream. Well Luigi, I really got to go now. Now come on Luigi, be like me, always happy. Smile, smile. My rheumatism is killing me. Mama me another hour I got to take my drive and a test. Well I better look in this traffic ruler book and study some more rules. To make the left hand turn, turn into the lane to the right of the center, turning into the roadway. But to do not turn. Mama me I'm gonna think I'm gonna lost at the last to turn. Well I read this some more, to make the left the interest. Hello Luigi, my little friend and my countryman, what's the new with you? Huh? That's quality answer, you mad at me no more? Me, I'm mad at you. Why Luigi, shame on you. You should have known me better than that. You know there's a two sides to my face. If one side is mad at you, the other side is glad at you. You know that? He is so right to push quality. That's the way everybody is to call a YouTube face. That's the funny thing and when I'm saying it, it's to come out of difference. Hey Luigi, what's that the pamphlet you're reading? Well Pasquale, I gotta go for drive as a test in an hour and I'm studying the rules and so I should apply. Luigi, I'm gonna help you out. Nobody's gonna know more about a drive as a test than me. I'm gonna take it a ten times. Tell me, maybe you can tell me Pasquale. All through this book is this the word. V-E-H-I-C-A. Ooh Luigi, you're lucky you got me to explain to you. That's the vehicle. That's the mean of car, that's the drunk. That's what they call the auto intoxication. Here's the lots I can teach you. See, you drive in a car, you hit a man, inside is a home. What's it called? What? Home in the side. The punishment is to go for that, very big. They stamp on your license, you must wear glasses. Pasquale, thank you. Maybe now I have a chance to pass. Tell me, what do you mean by zones? That's a simpler. Driving a car is like a game, it's a trick kind of zone. T zone, free zone, and an end zone. If you hit a man in the T zone, he's not gonna smoke no more. And if you hit him in the end zone, they push your car back a five yard. What's the free zone? That's the mean of you can park for nothing. Now taking a traffic light. Is it green light, that's the for goals, or red light, that's the for staff? What's the yellow light for? That's the for women to drive, they can do whatever they want. Hope us, Gwally. Thanks so much for your help. Don't mention it, Luigi. You just are giving these answers like I'ma tell you, and you're gonna be fixed up for good. Pardon me, mister. You've been waiting here for two hours. What are you waiting for? Well, you're gonna call in for people who's the one to applicant. I'm waiting till you call in people who's the one to driver's license. Oh, I see. Well, take your learn this permit to boot seven over there, and the inspector will give you your test. Thank you very much. Boots to staff. Oh, that it is. Mamma mia, how am I gonna drive on my car, and that's a little about. Oh, excuse me, mister. Have a seat. You got your car outside? Yes. All right, now I'll ask you a few routine questions. First, explain your hand signal. Sure. To make a signal, you gotta stick out to your left hand. First, you gotta let the window down. Left hand is to single right to turn, left to turn, and a pass. Absolutely the best. Left to turn, and a pass. Absolutely the palmer down. If palmed down, when do you stick your hand out with a palm up? Only when you want to see if it's a random. Are you sure you can drive a car? Sure, I'm sure. Well, let's go on outside to the road, Ted. All right. There's my car over there. Is that your car? Uh-huh. I think we have a law covering that. Under the sea. Condemned. Hmm. They must have overlooked this model. Well, let's get in. Does this car always sag like this? Oh, no. Only when a people is a sit in it. Okay, start it up. Choke it. Choke it the way I'm going to grab it. Pull the choke out there. All right, it's out, then. Now where should I put it? The cars are gone. You see, it's a work. If it's too windy for you, I'm going to stop and put in the windshield. Never mind. This is like going through D-Day again. All right, there's a sign. It says no U-turn. What does that mean? Perhaps it's a simple. It says no U-turn. That means it's a my turn. When I should stop, right on the corner of first. Isn't that so good, huh? See that car behind you? Where's your rear vision mirror? What's the thought I need a rear mirror? If I'm going to want to see who's behind me, I'm going to look back and say, Hey! But the why? I'm happy to drive you back into my car. What are you, a status? It's a nice day. The sun is shining. I got a wife and four kids. I'll walk. All right, after you walk, I'm a driver. When you get there, wait for me. Too bad. And he was doing so well. I'm a just detective. My driver's a test. Luigi, look at you. Hair is all of my stuff. The clothes are dirty. And the porn face all of banged up. You walk in with a limp. You don't look like a driver. You look like a pedestrian. What's happened? He's all of mixed up. All I know is that when I was driving back to the license of Bureau of myself, a car is a comatomy. I'm a signal for a stop. I'm a put out the boat to my hand. But it's a big crash. It is all of my fault. I put my left hand out over the left window. But to my right hand, it wasn't long enough to reach you the other way. Did you get your driver's license? Not only am I not to get my license, but they take away my learners' permits. They say I'm a nook and drive for at least one year. And I'm not allowed to walk in the streets for two days. How cool is that? Two days. How could a one man get himself into so much trouble? Believe me, Pasquale, it's not easy. What am I going to do? Man who's caught on my head is to say he's going to sue me for everything I'm about. Worse than that, Luigi, man has probably got a 20 years of life on insurance. That means he can get you 20 years of the life. Come on, Pascale, save me, please. Luigi, don't beg. I'm going to help you out of everything. I'm even going to buy you a new car so you still can be proud like an American. Just to do me one favor. All right, Pasquale, I'm married to your daughter. Well, say it like you mean it. Go ahead, she's away from the call of yourself. All right. Others, the call of your himself. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. He was just in a terrible auto accident. What do you say to him? Well, when I'm a kid, I don't know what to say to him. Children, I'm going to give you my blessing and we're going to tell everybody... Oh, Mr. Basquale, I'm so glad I found you in. Mama mia, it's the matter of who's a car I'm a hit. I'm a fixed average thing, mister. Oh, are you his attorney? Well, look, I admit everything. It was all my fault. I'm willing to make amends. I had no right to be driving that car. I had no driver's license, no permit, nothing. This has taught me a terrible lesson. Mr. Basquale, I'm prepared to pay for my mistake. Could you promise not to press suit? I'm not to press suit. Oh, thank you. I'm always a senator to the tailor. But... Now, Mr. Basquale, let's settle this whole thing right here. I'm willing to pay you whatever that car is worth, say, uh, $500. Oh, no. $1,000? No, no, no. Okay, you got me against the wall. How much do you want for the car? $100. But, uh... $100? Well, here, take it and thank you very much. Take it and have it so fast this is something else. What's the matter? Were you hurt? I got a hole in my pants and from the accident, they're going to cost you $0.40 for the patch. Thank you. And good night. But... Well, Mr. Basquale, thank you for teaching me about a traffic arouse. You're a system. But, Luigi, what a fool you're sticking out of your hand and now. I'm making a right to turn the backer to my star. But what about arouse? A but to Luigi? Bored to buy a bus. It's to the right of her to his mama, Basquale, describing his adventures in America. Lights at Luigi is a Psy-Haward production that is written by Mack MENoff and Lou Demons and directed by Mack Menenoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basquale with Alan Reed as the swallow. Muck Connery the Shulks from Maryship Fas Ms. Fault. Music is under the direction of Lynn Mer. Bob Stevens is speaking. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.