 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan as they have John now see calm And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic how to make him think about you and wait What was again? How to make him think about you and want you like crazy? Really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if any time during this video this content resonates with you please hit that like button so it gets seen in the YouTube Algorithms and lastly, this is your explicit language warning I do occasionally use expletives to enhance the sentence and if that is not your cup of tea I highly recommend logging off now. All right, let's jump in the topic about how to get a guy to think about you and feel crazy about you All right first off if you if you're if you were a regular on my channel, you know I talk about how most men are good people. They're just bad daters. I'm gonna repeat that most men are good people they're just bad daters and Oftentimes when we get to midlife, most men are rather confused I'm gonna repeat that most men are rather confused because they want companionship. They want connection They want sex just like a woman wants companionship connection and sex the challenge though at midlife is that it Most people don't know what it takes to really make a relationship work when you have stuff in your life Let me repeat that when you have stuff in your life. You have maybe an ex-spouse. You have a contentious job You have children you have we call this baggage, which I'm not a big fan of but we have luggage in our lives And a lot of times most humans don't know how to put those pieces together They don't know how to put those pieces together men in particular in addition most men at midlife really don't understand Mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. I repeat that most men actually most men and women actually don't know the mechanics To a healthy happy relationship, and I think of the mechanics like a like a puzzle Here's a here's a puzzle a five hundred piece puzzle But if you don't know how to put a puzzle together It makes it very difficult to actually form a bond with another human being This is one of the reasons why if you follow my work, I'm all about Intentionality being intentional in the process the dating process Recognizing that the dating process is a vetting process to decide if you want to be in relationship with someone and a Relationship is a vetting process to decide if you eventually want to be in partnership with someone at least that's the world according to Jonathan not everyone has to subscribe to that if you're happy with a friends with benefits relationship if you're happy with casual Dating if you're happy with a casual relationship if you're happy not being in anything serious That's not what I'm leaning into. I'm leaning into building a deeper relationship with another human being and so When I say that most men are clueless. It's not because they're bad people It's not because you know, they're they're intentionally deceiving someone else most of the time Let me repeat that mo and let me add to this most men really don't even understand their own Feelings when it comes to a healthy happy relationship and women as well I can say that everything I say about men goes equally for women as well So, how do we shift this narrative? How do we shift this narrative and then I'll lean into this conversation that I started today? It starts by being aware. It starts by being aware. This is one of the reasons why if you follow my work I continually talk about this book called eight dates by dr. John and Julie Gottman eight dates by dr John and Julie Gottman by the way if you're watching the replay there's a link in the description below to Jonathan recommends books Why is this so imperative? Why is this so important because it teaches you the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship? So you kind of understand how a relationship works. It's like understanding how a puzzle works now a puzzle is here I'm going to go back to my puzzle here for a second a puzzle is for children, right? Okay, but I want you to actually think of a more complicated puzzle like a blueprint to a building a blueprint to a building If you don't know how to create a blueprint if you don't know how to read a blueprint then it's going to be very difficult Now you might be thinking Jonathan, you know Relationships are just supposed to be to just supposed to be easy if two people love each other everything will magically work out Wait if two people love each other magic fairy desks will make everything work out What rock do you live in if that's what you believe and I'm not suggesting that any of you believe that? But the way many of you operating the dating realm you believe chemistry equals relationship success I'm repeat that chemistry equals relationship success and that's the furthest thing from the truth because we have seen and by the way Especially in the first first three dates. We're mostly driven by loss We're not even driven by chemistry were driven by a biological need or at least for us men anyway to want to have sex with you So this whole narrative that men love to chase them. They're so they're gonna chase you and their hunters Well, what do we hunt? What are we hunting? Are we hunting? I want to be in a relationship I want to be in a relationship. Is that what we're hunting? I don't know any man It's cognitively goes I'm hunting a relationship now We might be on the hunt for sex and we might chase sex and there is this notion that men find love through sex I'm repeat that there's this notion that men find love through sex and I say it's a notion because I'm not so certain That's exactly how we actually bond with another human being and I am gonna share with you in just a minute How we do truly bond with another human being So this requires you as well as him to be intentional now going back to this book eight dates Can I share with you something? I am getting email after email after email from so many of you who are actually Purchasing two copies of these books and in the very early stages of dating as you're getting to know someone You're introducing the book to them and you're doing the work. That's in the book. I love hearing this from women I'm hearing it over and over again. I feel like I'm starting a movement Can we start a movement now to actually date with some? Intentionality instead of this hole just have a good time. It's all about having a good time Just sit back in your feminine energy ladies And you could just lean back and have a good time because the guy is gonna do all the work because he's chivalrous And he's going to claim you I mean that's such a crock of shit. I'm sorry What I mean where who are who's who's living in this fantasy world? And I say this because the reality is is most humans at midlife are incredibly confused. They're uncertain. They have a lot of Frustration and chaos going on in their life. So this whole notion that men are just gonna naturally Okay, look it we will chase sex and it will look like we're chasing a fully committed relationship In fact, some men even use the words. I'm looking for a relationship But just because what is what does a relationship mean? What does that mean to someone? Does it mean you're vetting to decide if you want to be in partnership? Or is it just someone you want to spend time with? Ladies if you're going to allow the penis into the vagina I highly recommend you becoming more intentional and that it's gonna scare away a lot of the wrong guys Wait a minute Jonathan if I'm intentional it's gonna scare away the wrong guys Yes, it's gonna scare away the wrong guys and then what's left what's left is the right guys So this is my invitation for you today So how do you make them want you like crazy and think about you all the time? Well, let me share that with you first It requires you choosing the right guy. So let me tell you how to choose the right guy Here's are just a couple notes. I have for you first off Choose a man whose life is not in chaos right now It's a man whose life is not in chaos right now and what that means is Does he have a contentious job? Does he have issues at work? Is he starting a brand new company? And he's got he's overwhelmed as he just lost his job, you know Look at his professional life and ask yourself does he seem like he's solid in his professional life? Or does it seem like it's in chaos? Let me add to that. Is he going through a divorce? Is he in the middle of a divorce? Does he have a contentious ex-spouse? Does he have an ex-spouse that's weighing on him heavily? That makes that makes it very difficult for a man to really step into Relationship if the ground underneath him is rather weak And by the way, if you're dealing with a contentious ex or a contentious divorce the ground underneath a guy is incredibly weak okay now What other things that could be happening? He could have issues with children. He could have He might sadly have an autistic child He might like have someone like myself who lost a child those of you know know I lost my 19 year old son Connor and During that period of time. I was going through absolute hell and chaos in my life Man would make it very difficult for me to lean into relationship Maybe from a place of wanting to be loved and supported by another but I couldn't give anything to a relationship So if a man has chaos in his life, I highly recommend avoiding that kind of man number two You want to perform an emotional aptitude test? You want to perform an emotional aptitude test now This is something I teach in my private coaching So for those of you who are interested in learning how to perform an emotional aptitude test check out the link to a Free discovery call to see if working with the coach is right for you an emotional aptitude test is basically Testing for his emotional maturity The sad reality is as most human beings men and women like are actually very weak in emotional maturity Oh almost lack no emotional maturity and this is not men. This is women equally Ladies, I know you all that you point your fingers at the guys But I'm going to tell you there's always three fingers pointing back at you women are as equally as emotionally immature as men Just because women might express their emotions more often doesn't mean that they're skilled at emotional maturity So you're going to want to do an emotional aptitude test, okay? number three You want to determine if the two of you share the same values I repeat that you're going to want to determine if you share the same values If healthy lifestyle is important for you as an example Then would you really want to date someone who's a chain smoker that eats processed foods 24 seven? And hasn't even had a salad in their life probably not, okay? That's just one example of a value There's so many different values. I believe there's something like 421 values in fact Google list of values and determine which values are most critical for yourself Which values are most critical for yourself and be thinking about that when you're interviewing a man I'm your oh wait a minute Jonathan Interviewing a man. Yes, it's an interview process dating is an interview process I know everybody tells you the opposite in fact the book the rules will tell you never interview a guy This book is a crock of shit. It's a manipulative game playing way to Temporarily hook someone Temporarily hook someone but it has no value from long-term perspective And so I'm here to say that the dating process is an absolute Interview process you want to you want to interrogate the motherfucker? Please forgive my languaging. I told you explicit language warning, but you want to interrogate him You literally want to be the detective you want to have the beams of light on and determine his true intentions In fact, I know it's hard for you to do that. I wish listen. I'm your big brother I wish I was there for you before the first date the guy comes to the door. I'm standing there as your big brother I've got the shotgun. I'm like this and I'm going what's your intentions? Well, ladies I can't be there for you you have to do this for yourself. So again an emotional aptitude test along with Determining shared values and number four is do your lifestyles are they compatible with one another? I am blown away by how many women are in relationship with men I've talked to women who are they tell me they've been in a one-year relationship. I go how often do you two get together? Oh, we haven't met yet. We live thousands of miles apart. That's not a relationship. That's just a pen pal Okay, ultimately ladies and by the way proximity creates continuity. Let me repeat that proximity creates continuity Continuity means continuation Building the roots to trust let me repeat that building the roots to trust the closer to people live together The easier it is to build trust and the further two people live apart the harder It is to build trust unless you and I don't mean trusting that they're gonna be faithful to you I'm talking about emotional trust that comes through familiarity emotional trust The more time two people spend together the more roots They develop to trust and if your lifestyles are incompatible. He works nights you work evenings You've got you're raising four kids. He's an empty nester and he wants to travel the world a lot of times People whose lifestyles are not compatible is the number one reason why relationships don't work out and then lastly Chemistry Yeah, we need that chemistry In fact, it's kind of the easiest thing to recognize because it's either there on the first second or third date or it's not Okay, so these are basically the pillars to a relationship So how do you get a guy to think about you non-stop and feel crazy for you? Well, it requires doing this one fundamental thing in the dating process this one fundamental thing in the dating process and that is to build an Awesome friendship with one another to build an awesome friend awesome friendship with one another It is through friendship that we that we think about our partner It's like and they're the first person I want to call when there's something exciting happen in my life They're the first person I call when I'm feeling blue. I Sadly see so many women in relationships that are practically not even friends with the guy So how you might ask how do you develop friendship? Well, let me tell you something that requires doing social activities Hobbies and mutual interest. Let me repeat that social activities Hobbies and mutual interests it is doing shit together. That's how you become friends It's going hiking going traveling going to the movies together and then talking about the movie afterwards and really dissecting it and being able to share your opinions with one another and Lastly ladies it requires you to lead by example and let me explain what I mean by that Most of you want men to open up emotionally to you that well Most men don't know how to do that and the best way to get a man to open up is to begin to express your feelings to him Not your feelings about him your feelings about things in your life and start communicating with Feeling words. Let me tell you something. I know the narrative that John Gray talks about, you know Do thinking words because men are logical and women are emotional if you want to get him out of his head it into his heart You're going to have to start communicating from a feeling perspective and not how you feel about him But how you feel about things in your life how you feel about things in his life begin Expressing yourself from I statements I statements I feel this way about something and start expressing your opinions It is through our opinions that we actually begin to bond with one another not answering flat-out questions Like I said, you know when I was talking about interrogation You want to get some of the critical things out of the way? But ultimately you want to lean into how does this person think about things in life about current affairs about? You know like current affairs what's happening in news politics all these different things That's how we eventually bond with someone it is through our opinions That we actually determine if we're really right for one another and when you guys and it's good to have solid debate with one another too Because through the debate we can actually find some common ground and grow closer and closer and closer together Is this sinking in is it resonating it is through an awesome friendship and I'm going to tell you something I think of my best relationships that I've had since my prior to my divorce and since my divorce and the few that were really good Were the ones that we developed a friendship and most the other ones were casual and mediocre And they were casual mediocre because a I was going through chaos in my life Or maybe they were going through chaos in their life or they weren't emotionally mature or I weren't emotionally mature But ultimately the ones that I treasure the most We had a really great friendship together and that's my invitation for you going forward Remember how do you build friendship is through social activities hobbies mutual interests doing shit together All right Well that wraps up the content portion of this video. We're going to move into the q&a But before we move into the q&a, I've got to do this again. Give me one second break I don't know what the heck is happening, but my feet keep getting cold Is that something that happens as you age? I've got socks on but my feet were cold. So now I just wanted to put on my slippers like I did last time All right, it's time for q&a right now If you have a question, there's a couple options If you're on the live chat right now You can purchase a super sticker or a super chat and post your question inside that All the funds that from the super sticker and super chats during the live stream go to a fund A fund goes to a fund that i'm creating for a foundation I'm starting on behalf of my son Connor who passed away And this foundation is to create a scholarship from for those who are seeking personal development work That's number one or you can post the word question and then write the word write the question thereafter We're going to do q&a for hopefully the next 45 minutes or so. So let's jump in Ah I'm scrolling all right, so I want to say hi to allison bridge hazel uh person of interest leaf Um, let's see dutch woman much dutch All right, I see a question. There we go we gin writes question Why some people want another to a hundred percent trust them after two people only dated for three months I was taking my time giving some reasonable trust to him, but he demanded me to trust him fully quickly okay Well, first off anyone that demands something from you Already has a controlling behavior. So right off the bat when I hear someone demand Trust that's rather turn off now. I would certainly say if someone requested that you trust them in other words. I believe I believe trust See a lot of people think trust is earned. I actually start from the premise is I consider that a given I trust people and then I look for Untrustworthy acts I repeat that I trust people not blind trust not blind faith But I'd like I actually believe most human beings are good honest people So I start from a premise of trust and then I look and then I start to see well if I notice Behavior that seems untrustworthy. That's the red flag to me So for example, they're consistently late when they say they're going to be on on time That to me makes me not trust them or respect them quite frankly because I'm very punctual. That's one of my values Their actions don't match their words consistently. That would cause me to lose trust Ultimately if someone says they're you know, they're somewhere and then you see on social media that there's someone else Somewhere else. Well, then I would see think that they lie to me and I would lose trust But I'm not a big proponent of demanding trust I start from a premise of trust and then I and then I basically look for things that I don't even look for things if things let me reframe that if things come up that cause me to lose trust That's when things start to change and that's when you have a conversation with another human being Listen, I've noticed that your behavior is been this when you've said this Who who who am I dating here? Am I dating this person or am I dating this person? Now most people who are secretive most people who lie most people are sociopathic They're going to turn it around and make it about you But my but the thing is when it comes to trust If you have inherent trust issues because that happens too Some people have inherent trust issues. It doesn't matter what the other person does. You're going to be of them So if you know, you have trust issues, that's going to be something you have to work on on your time. Okay If someone makes a faux pas here or there look at There's always going to be something, you know, that might create a circumstance that might make you doubt another human being But you have to look at the totality of a person. It's not an isolated situation again, if there's repetitiveness of behavior that's either bad or Or out of integrity That's the time I would really examine whether or not this is the relationship I want to be in or not. Does that help we gin? I hope it does. Thank you so much. Great question Um Leaf shirt change. Yeah, I know Okay All right, do we have a question? Um We gin says I understand better now. Thank you. You're very welcome if you have a question Oh, here we go. Erica writes. Okay question A guy I was dating finally admitted that he has an alcoholic addiction Can I still be friends with him? Were you friends with any women when you were going through your chaos? um So Here's my feeling on this. Can you be friends with them? Certainly you can be with friends with anybody My question is are you being friends because you're hoping something changes in life? And then you eventually want that friendship to go back to some romantic level um Be careful of here's the thing about friends Let me ask you all something and by the way, I have many friends from women who I've dated in my past We are no longer in romantic relationship My Moscow mule by the way um My my thing is what's the purpose of the friendship? Is it just to stay connected with one another? Is it a social friendship? Is it an active friendship? Do you go out hang out every weekend? What is the friendship that you desire? Because ultimately ask yourself if you meet your soulmate Are you really going to be friends with this person? Or is it just going to be somebody you used to know really ask yourself? Are you going to be friends with this person or is this somebody you used to know? And ultimately by the way of the women I have many I have a few female friends were I said few that were friends But most of them now are just simply social friends. We're on each other's social media We say hi when it's a birthday We say hi when their children do something, but that's the extent of the friendship We're not actively in each other's lives on a regular basis So ask yourself what type of friendship are you looking to have with this person? And will that fit into your long-term plans of seeking your partner? Would you still be friends with this person? And how will that friendship look like at least that's the invitation I have for you to explore it from that perspective Okay, I hope that helps. Thank you so much. Great question All right Jenny says I trust to unless the behavior shows me otherwise lateness is my pet peeve too Yes, it's one of my biggest pet peeve and sadly I've yet to meet the woman who's actually been on time for a date But I'm bump. I'm just being silly All right If you have a question write the word question and post the question Otherwise, we're going to be wrapping up rather early today So let's get some questions going in the chat box Oh Denise writes Question why some people are not emotionally capable of being in a casual relationship I'm not capable of it and I don't understand how some people are Let me read this one more time why some people are not emotionally capable of being in a casual relationship I'm not capable of it and I don't understand how some people are well Isn't the definition of a casual relationship as people who are incapable of the emotional aspects of a relationship The reason why it's casual is you want companionship connection and sex, but that's it. That's what casual means It basically means we're not going to go down the emotional path So if you're not available for the emotional path and he's not available for the emotional path Casual relationship is a great relationship to be in I really look at them as being friends with benefits Really just a slightly different version of friends with benefits So if you're not capable of anything deeper and he's not capable of anything deeper Then the best relationship is to be casual the deeper relationships require Partnership skills deeper relationships the more serious relationships require partnership skills How are we going to be there for each other in our lives? That is the true serious relationship How can we be partners with one another? How can we be teammates with one another in the dynamic of this relationship? Can we co-create a relationship together? This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book Gary Zukoff's book spiritual partnership so you can learn About how to co-create a relationship together Co-create a relationship together because that's the relationship that has a greater chance for success It's one of the reasons why I recommend all of these books If you're not capable of partners or going deeper. I highly then recommend reading my book What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? Look by jonathan asley There's a link below if you're watching the replay in the description on how to get a copy of my book It's on amazon and now it's on audibles as well Highly recommend reading this book so you can get in touch with your emotional side This is a book of a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work Let me lean into spiritual work for a second here Everyone when I talk about spirituality in the dating mating or relating realm I'm talking about your connection To your divine self the connection to your inner spirit the connection to your intuition And the more highly tuned your intuition the greater chance you're going to have relationship success This is one of the reasons why I highly highly highly highly recommend reading this book The untethered soul by michael singer the untethered soul by michael singer Every relationship has a spiritual component to it The more we're tapped into our individual spiritual side with a partner who's tapped into their spiritual side And I don't mean religious side. I mean their spiritual side. They're their inner guide. They're inner being their intuition Their connection to source energy their connection to universal energy their connection to god However, that resonates for you Spirituality is an important facet of a relationship. In fact, it's missing in most relationships today That's why when I created my book what the heck a self-love anyway It's a journey of personal development and spiritual work So you can be ready for a juicy delicious healthy relationship. Who wants to have a juicy delicious healthy relationship? Raise your hand. Oops. Don't look at my armpit stains. Raise your hand All right Let's take some more questions here. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it denise all right Let's see write the word question or purchase a super sticker or super chat um Oh leaf says no, I thought you were changing your shirt and not getting slippers my feet were cold All right, oh here we go sal writes Question i'm currently under the belief that a person will show Even more of their colors and personality when they're under stress or conflict at the moment I'd love to hear your opinion on this. Do people show their colors during stress? All right, I got a cute story to share this with you. Um, I happen to be I was social friends with a person who owned a big gigantic movie studio here in los angeles And I've hung out with him a number of times and he's um in his 70s and he divorced and single and dating and one of the things he shared with me that he does early in the dating process Is he and by the way, he's rich. I mean, I mean quarter billion dollar rich or if not more um Probably a billion dollar rich. I don't know but he'd say um He would take a woman on vacation within the first date 30 days of dating And the reason why he'd go on a trip or travel with them to see how they operated under pressure Because he said that that's what told him everything he needs to know about a person Now I'm not I mean to the extent that I understand his You know, I understand why he chose he chooses to do that and I can understand that pressure does reveal a person I'm actually nervous about that because I have an issue when I'm under pressure. I tend to get defensive. I get I get um Anxious I get righteous. I mean my whole behavior when I'm under Now when I mean pressure when I don't feel safe when I don't feel safe I'm I was with my son my oldest son calling right there. We were in france. Um he was doing a semester abroad and um And I met up. I went up to france and I met went to paris and hooked up with him And one of the nights we went out we went out for a late night dinner And then we took the metro somewhere and we wherever we landed we got lost now my son speaks fluent french I mean he can read it write it. I mean really proud of him by the way And we got lost and I started to freak out. I have a habit when I don't feel safe I freak out just part of my personality Um, I'm working on it. Believe me. I'm doing my best and my son like tried to calm me down Now most I by the way, I'm very upfront with women. I date. This is what happens to me I mean, maybe I'm not your full-blown provider protector. I mean, I'm physically big and whatnot And I can protect you of some, you know, some mugger is coming our way or at least I'd like to think I could But there are times when I get stressed out It's natural for human beings to get stressed out when they don't feel safe Okay, it's natural for human beings to get stressed out when they're not not feel safe And for me it lasts about a minute to two minutes. It's not this long drawn out thing It's just initially when I'm not feeling safe. So I'm sharing my own um Experience for everyone because maybe some of you can relate to this not everybody is good at pressure situations Doesn't mean that they're incapable of being in relationship doesn't make them bad human beings It just happens to be some people have good qualities that they excel at and some people have Other qualities that they don't excel at sometimes when I don't feel safe I turn into a fucking lunatic basket case for about one to two or three or four minutes and then When my heart rate gets down when I breathe I come back to my center. I usually know how to handle things so I'm just going to fix that picture frame Anyway, I really appreciate this question. I hope I answered it for you. Uh, great questions. Sal. Thank you so much Okay all right Karen writes I have anxiety and believe it can affect relationship cause the anxiety is a personal experience That others can't see now anxiety within a relationship Is a little bit different than when you don't feel safe out in your world So that I was describing people that have a natural anxiety within relationship It's because actually my suspicion is they're not feeling a lack of love for themselves So when you're in partnership with someone and if anxiety is coming up is because oftentimes there's a dependency that the other person fills the void on your behalf This is one of the reasons why I highly recommend reading the book codependent no more codependent no more To understand what anxiety I believe comes from a level of codependency Usually requiring the other person to fill the void inside of us and sadly here in the united states We are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Then repeat that we are suckling on the nipple the nipple of I need you to love me to feel good about myself Otherwise, I'm in panic mode all the time because if I you're not constantly giving me love I feel afraid This is why again, I highly recommend reading my book. What the heck is self love anyway? So I understand anxiety. I've been there before I recognize. Oh, by the way You might also want to read the book attached by a mere Levine and rachel heller Attached by a mere levine and rachel heller This will help you understand love attachment style because the anxious person the anxiety based person is usually Trying to fight for love and they're with a partner who's avoidant So let me repeat that love attachment style. There's three basic love attachment styles. There's anxious avoidant and secure And secure only happens once you're in relationship with someone else most of the time one of it We have a default. I believe we have a default We're either anxious or avoidant when we enter into relationship and when we're in relationship with the right relationship That's when we shift to secure. I don't believe people start off being secure in the dating process They're going to be default one of the other So if you're aware that you have an anxious attachment style or anxiety based way of dating The actually dating is a great way to practice Healing from that and it requires repetition and remembering. I'm going to be okay I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be okay Everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I'm going to be okay Just put your hand over your heart and remember I'm going to be okay Everything is going to be okay because the reality is is unless you have to call a doctor an attorney or policeman Everything is on you. It's not the other person. It's on you. So just remember you can soothe your soul Breathe into it Meditate on it and just remember everything is going to be okay Great question. Thank you so much Oh, we got lots of questions popping up now All right and g writes energy Question me and my boyfriend recently just recently broke things off He still has things at my house that he won't come and get does that mean he plans to return To the relationship at his leisure Interesting question. I can't speak for him because I don't know what he's going to do Uh, if the relationship is over, I would uh suggest that he come pick it up I would box everything you could do one of two things you could put it at the front door and say Hey, your shit's at the front door come pick it up when you wish or um, I'm going to mail it to you By the way, most people end relationships and still want to be in relationship with someone There's usually the the fact of the matter is most of the time It's rare that we end a relationship because we absolutely hate another person There could be a variety of things going on in their life. It could be something within you It could be some things within them The reality is is that we still most of the time whenever we end a relationship and I know for myself They're still care We still care about the other person. We may still even want them on some level On a level of connectivity or sex or companionship But it means that they can't go into deeper relationship if someone if you've ended a relationship And you've done it with consciousness behind it If you've ended the relationship with a fair amount of consciousness and you both know that this relationship doesn't work for you Then I would move on go find your partner. That's right for you But the reality is is one person usually doesn't want the relationship end and they're always pining for the other person to come back But how successful does that really work? Ladies this whole thing that the guy is going to somehow heal magically while he's taking space, you know You just need to lean back and your feminine energy and allow him to take space and he's magically going to shift Really? How many people magically shift when they take space? Do they do the inner work? Do they go to a therapist? Do they do? Symonic therapy do they do inner work like I recommend? Do they do the Hoffman process to heal childhood wounds and traumas? Check out this book the Hoffman process to heal childhood wounds and traumas that cause people to be afraid to be in relationship These are the kind of things I would be looking for when someone has taken space And they won't get back and I wouldn't let someone into my pants unless I I've done there by emotional aptitude test remember I talked about my emotional aptitude test Check out the link to a free discovery call with me If you're ready to learn how to vet for emotional maturity Schedule a call to see if working with the coach is right for you. All right, great question. Thank you so much, Anna G Okay Weegean writes Question is it most likely a relationship won't work out if one cares very much about personal development by reading your book Taking love workshop to see therapy Believes I need and believes I need to lean back Well, I find It's funny. I'm in a group with uh, joe dispensa. It's called the joe dispensa daters or dating group Joe dispensa wrote a book called Breaking the habit of being yourself breaking the habit of being yourself. I love love love this book Okay, now this is the people that are in the personal development realm and recently I asked a question of the group Would you date someone who doesn't do personal development work? One two three four five six seven thousands of people responded. No, no, no, no, no, no, no Now By the way, this is a group of men and women alike There is just as many men in this group as there are women Believe or not men do a lot of personal development work They just don't do a lot of work in the area of relationships. That's the only difference is most men do a Lots of men like myself do work in relationship or do work on personal development It's just very few do the work in relationship That's why when you introduce a book like this eight dates to a guy who's done personal development He is going to shit his pants go. Oh my god. This is fucking fantastic Or if you get the book by barbara de angeles um Well, how about this book by barbara de angeles how to make love all the time great book to help build your relationship together ladies You literally only have to do is introduce these books The wrong guy is going to run away He's going to run away the wrong guy and the right guy is going to go fuck. This is cool I'm learning something new Ladies I highly recommend if you're reading the books I'm recommending to you then introduce it to the guy and remember before the penis goes inside the vagina Vet for emotional maturity do that emotional aptitude test to see what kind of and by the way one of the things Okay, ladies I want to show you something from my online dating profile Okay, I'm just going to show you something from my online dating profile. We're going to open up bumble bumble And we're going to go to my profile And this is one of the pictures in my profile Okay, I wonder if you can see that That's a stack of books you can see on top barbara de angeles You can see loving what is you can see mark manson the subtle art of not giving a fuck night violent communication the hopman process I post this on my profile both in my match profile and my bumble profile Just to see how some women react They go wow, those are cool books and it shocks me how many women have never read any of the books I've listed which includes books like calling in the one To name a few the queen's code by allison armstrong Um nonviolent communication. I just shared that when I mentioned it. So here's the thing folks I'm I want to see what kind of books a person reads now My best friend he reads novels. He's more into stories But he does occasionally do a personal development book here or there But I highly recommend one of the questions to ask someone early on in the dating is tell me what you read or listen to And I don't mean music listen to i'm talking you can do audiobooks as well as um kindle and uh real books I say real. I mean physical books. So I would ask someone what books do they read? That's a great way to get a sense of their emotional maturity So uh we jin I hope that helped. Thank you so much Okay, osha ocean writes Question does a great guy deserve a chance if his biggest flaw is being boring You know I'm I'll be candid with you. I think I'm kind of boring. I'm very one-dimensional. I am addicted to personal development And I'm kind of one-dimensional that way I'm addicted to love and everything. I dated a woman who was she had this she had a social calendar I'll never forget this was some years back. She had a social calendar. She would she would plan us to go hiking She would plan us to go out. She made all the plans She was the social calendar and I just jumped in along and did this stuff with her I wasn't a really good initiator of things. I'm a little bit better than I was before But it was great because she was strong in that area and I was weak in that area We kind of balanced each other out, but she appreciated my level of emotional maturity. She appreciated my communication skills She appreciated that I could lean into vulnerability authenticity and transparency So maybe I'm a little one-dimensional She was more the activities coordinate and I showed up with my strength in the relationship. So here's my thing Maybe he's boring, but maybe he's a good follower like me So all you have to do is plan the stuff and he's most likely going to be ridiculously happy that you did it Now if someone is absolutely sits on a log and does nothing 24 7 That's boring to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone who sits on the log But it doesn't mean that he has to be the initiator because this whole paradigm this whole stupid masculine and feminine and men You know women have to be in their feminine energy if they're if the woman's inner masculine energy It's going to upset the balance of polarity and his penis is going to shrink This is such a stupid narrative folks. I highly recommend reading the book if the buddha dated if the buddha dated This is a great book to understand relationships Outside of the penis and vagina It's about understanding human beings at a soul level at a heart centered level When we throw out the stupid ridiculous fucking narratives about masculine and feminine and just focus on a human being as a person as a person When we throw out the gender expectations like in this book the stupid manipulative book that has ruined so many women And i'm getting emails after emails from women who say the book the rules In the past has ruined their love life because it's short term manipulation skills Ladies let's stop manipulating one another in the dating realm and let's start operating from a heart centered place Both men and women alike. That's my invitation for the sexes. Can I please get an amen? Thank you Great question osha. Thank you All right Question question if you have a question post the word question. Oh, okay, so psi writes What if you're in a new long distance relationship with a man that has just found out he has a medical issue We plan to see each other soon But should I reach out to show my concern in the meantime? Well, yeah, I would definitely if this is now Define relationship. This is where i'm so confused Ladies, okay, so let's define relationship first off. Are you monogamy? Are you having sex together? That's one way to determine you're in a relationship. Number two. Are you monogamous with one another? Number three. Are you exclusive with one another? Are you spending regular time doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends? Are those the things you're doing because that's what a relationship really is about? So when there's distance, I I don't know. Have you known him for one month? Have you known him for 10 years? How often do you see each other? But here's the thing if someone you're in relationship was having a medical concern I would want my partner to be involved in that I would want my I remember I was I had to have an angiogram once in the woman I was in relationship was there with me by the way our long distance was 30 miles Um, but she was there when I went to the doctor. She took me to the doctor So yes, if you're in a relationship with someone you should be there as a partner The problem is you're in a long distance relationship. So are you? Are you building the roots to trust in this relationship? And let me tell you ladies men do not bond over the telephone Men do not bond over telephone. We don't bond through text messaging. We don't bond through emails We don't bond through FaceTime. We bond when we do stuff together Remember I said in the beginning how do you make them think about you like crazy all the time? It is through developing your strong friendship with one another if the two of you really had a strong friendship You wouldn't have been asking me that question So the real question is how strong is your friendship? Are you building the friendship together? Are you building the friendship together? That's more important But yeah, I would reach out to him. Absolutely Thank you for that psi All right vigor hour one big hour one says Question dating a guy for a couple months and he only seems to open up emotionally and talk and bond after intimacy He wants to commit but needs time. Can this grow into a healthy relationship? Okay, so So if I'm understanding this question correctly, you are not in a committed relationship Okay, you're in a relationship You're having sex together and it is very common for men to open up emotionally after sex That's when we are actually probably the most connected to our heart After we've been intimate with another human being in fact Many men have described the act of being intimate with a partner like feeling like they're home Like they're safe and that's the time when they tend to open up Okay My thing is this I wouldn't allow the penis in the vagina unless you have the agreement of monogamy and exclusivity And some direction on we're what are we doing here together? Are we working on building a relationship together? Are we just having are we just having fun? Let's just have fun. Let's focus on having fun. Let's not think about the future. Let's just have fun Folks, I'm here to say if you don't read this book eight days and understand the mechanics of the relationship All the fun in the world isn't going to change because here's the box because here's the thing Chemistry does not equal relationship success Understanding the mechanics to a relationship has the greatest chance of achieving relationship success And the sad part is today we have a lot of children human being adult human beings Adult human beings who are actual emotional children dating This is why I highly recommend reading the book how to be an adult in a relationship How to be an adult adults know how to communicate with one another And so if commitment is important to you, I would also ask him What does what does commitment look like for you? And how will you know when you want to be in a committed relationship? Let me repeat that what does commitment look like for you? And how will you know when you want to be in a committed relationship? These are some of the questions. I would be asking someone again part of the emotional aptitude test This is something I work on in my private coaching practice. So again, check out the link below to see uh To schedule a discovery call with me because that's my area of expertise teaching you about compatibility Really understanding who's compatible with you then learning how to ask the right questions to determine Compatibility and then lastly vetting for emotional maturity. This is the most important piece of the dating process Because once you've chosen it like I started this Recording out When you've chosen a man who's not in chaos who's emotionally mature Then you vet for values compatible lifestyles and chemistry And then once you have that established emotional maturity Shared values compatible lifestyle and chemistry build the friendship together because it is through the friendship That you're going to actually really bond with one another Can I get an amen? If this resonates with you, please hit that like button right now. I'd be really grateful All right, let's keep going here. Um Let's see Robin says that is how I would define a relationship Jonathan. Thank you Robin. I appreciate that Andrea writes Question partner son five years Partner son five years lived abroad with mom. He's now taking him full time. We had a miscarriage February So our lives are chaotic. I've autism son no drive. So once a week What can I do to help us survive all these challenges? Andrea first off, let me give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug It sounds like there's a lot of stuff going on in your life That's a very complicated question and I'm not going to begin to answer that kind of question with limited information I typically require a lot more information to give really solid advice based on what you're talking about That sounds very complicated and I highly recommend if if your relationship needs it going to seek therapy together And seek outside counsel to help you because having this sounds like a very pressured situation And this is I'm going to be candid with you, you know, I'm a dating a relationship coach But you're talking about much deeper things that requires having serious conversations and serious intentionality Now when you said partner, I didn't know if you're married with him or not But I highly recommend seeking additional help for the two of you to navigate this challenging aspect in your life And my hope is that you go seek outside counsel Because I don't want to begin to give you advice on something like this, but thank you so much. I really do appreciate it All right Let's see Robin just purchased a super sticker. Let me find that I know here we go. All right Robin says in all seriousness, Jonathan, these live streams are very empowering and you give good advice Oh, thank you so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate that. Thank you so much And it looks like we're getting some amen to my previous amen Um, so thank you so much. All right. We got time for one more question. Maybe two um Sal says hi Cindy queen. I love your question. I want a big hickey on my cute ass I would love to hear what jonathan thinks on your question. Okay, so Cindy queen. Let's find this question uh Oh, okay. So the question is what do you think of hickeys? God, I'm trying to remember the last time I received a hickey I mean, it's got to be like a gazillion years ago Um, and I'm trying to think of the last time I gave a hickey. I I think the last time I gave a hickey I caught so much shit. So, um What do I think of them? I I think I'm I'm smiling right now. So I must think they're kind of cute You know Each person is unique. I mean, I'm not here to suggest what's a right or wrong here If someone enjoys hickeys go knock yourself out and if you don't then be just be upfront with your partner But thank you. I really do appreciate that question. Um to each his own on that one Okay, Brenda says I sure wish I'd found you before spending money on those short-term manipulative Feminine energy gurus period. It was pure trash Listen I understand The narrative of why feminine energy coaches exist because one of the fundamentals they do teach Is the understanding of healthy boundaries and self empowerment. I repeat that understanding is healthy boundaries and self empowerment What I don't like about the narrative is many of you are set up for what's known as See it's setting women up to lose their power in relationship and I can tell you I I spoke to a woman not too long ago. I've a woman reached out to me for coaching And she said she'd been following the feminine energy coaches and her words not mine. She says this made me very susceptible to narcissistic behavior I'm repeat this this made me very susceptible to narcissistic behavior because basically the notion of feminine energy is be fun Lee be fun be flirty be soft and be Submissive to the man it basically is teaching submission to a man And that's that is a recipe for disaster if you're dating a narcissist That's going to set you up for all kinds of failure This is why I'm a big proponent of two people being in a two-lane street in a relationship and actively Being participants in the relationship both initiating dates paying for dates on a regular basis be Somewhat in a level of parity with one another it doesn't have to be equal and I don't mean splitting Bills what not but what I'm saying is when when a woman is an active participant in the getting to know you phase Not the you know lean back and let men do all the work kind of thing Because that's what you've told is that's how men show masculinity But what that does is set you up for men who are controlling and worse set you up for narcissistic behavior And this is one of the reasons why I'm not a big fan for the Feminine energy coaches because it basically says let the man lead and you follow. Well, guess what happens You're following you could be following the wrong man. This is why right from the very beginning I'm a big believer that two people take turns into getting to know you process because that scares the wrong That actually scares narcissists away narcissists want to be in constant control when you make effort And that person can't receive that narcissist will run away So let me tell you something by actively being involved in the process You scare narcissists away because they want to control control control Okay, so the minute you make effort and by the way ladies when you ask a guy out on a date and pay for a date That's called generosity. That's called being an active participant That's called being a partner in the process of getting to know another human being It doesn't shrivel and by the way only men who are control freaks and narcissists get angry at you Or men who cannot receive love By the way, one of the reasons why men why men get angry at women when they make effort is because they can't receive love And if a man can't receive love, do you even want to be in relationship with someone who can't receive love? I'm here to say No By the way, one of this is part of that emotional aptitude test I was talking about before if you don't know if he's capable of receiving love You can invest a lot of time and by the way just remember in the early stages. We men are driven by lust So it's going to seem like we're coming on strong and we're into you What really matters most is after sex what happens And the minute you start investing in the process if he can't receive love if he's a control freak or a narcissist He's going to push back and run away from you That's a good thing. You want to scare the wrong guys away to attract the right guys in your life Does this make sense? If it does, please give me an amen I like to hear your thoughts on that all right Narcissies my either my way or the highway exactly Says oh my god. Yes Deanna amen. Jonathan. Thank you so much. You're the best your advice is the best. Thank you Now i'm getting all those amen And even sows as I agree with you on that. So thank you so much Okay, um All right, this is going to be our last question. It's friday night. It's cocktail time. I'm going out with my buddies Here's our last question Jonathan, what if a woman only likes straightforward quick sex and a man likes more extreme stuff and long sex session Can the relationship still work? Uh You know, I'm not by the way, I'm not an expert on sex. So let me just be clear about that. I am not an expert on sex Um, I like a combination of both. Okay, so I prefer people that have I prefer women who like quickies I like I prefer women who love a full day of love making we make it a the love day We create a nest do we have the right music and the candles and everything and it's an entire day of Making love to each other not intercourse for the entire day. So I'm I'm a proponent of both So my feeling is you know what do a little bit of both and see what happens That's my invitation for you and I'm not a sex expert. So I'm not here to say I'm just giving you my perspective on what I prefer in this particular case It's not the world according to jonathan. It's just my perspective on it. I would like a little bit of both So maybe you can compromise and work on a little bit of both. I hope that helps All right, uh All right one last question by we jen John, uh, okay question does no contact really work for people to get back together I heard many coaches advise the strategy night. I'm a bit skeptical and it feels counterintuitive again coming back to the book the the rules manipulation If you have to do something from a manipulation perspective, it's already gonna fail Now this thing is when here's the thing what happens a man takes some distance Okay, and all and all of a sudden you're here You're you're both on the 50 yard line all of a sudden he goes over here So you're told you go over here That's and somehow that space in between he's gonna be like pac-man and coming to get you coming to get you Well, that might be true temporarily But until you address what caused someone to pull away until that's addressed I don't recommend playing the game. I actually recommend the opposite I recommend you go straightforward and go what the fuck is going on, dude I thought we're in a relationship and now you're pulling away. Tell me what the fuck is going on now. I'm gonna stop I did that intentionally that way You are not going to want to do it that way You're going to simply go. Hey, I've noticed you've pulled away Emotionally from our relationship and I suspect something is coming up for you. I'm repeat that I've noticed you pull away emotionally and something is coming up for you and I just want you to know You can you I'm here as a whether you want to stay in this relationship or not I'm someone you can talk to whether you want to stay in this relationship or not I'm someone you can talk to and it's okay if you're making a choice to move away from the relationship I'm gonna repeat that. It's okay if you're Maybe having doubts or second thoughts about the relationship. I'm okay with that because I'm a sovereign woman I'm in charge of my self-worth my self-esteem my self-confidence my self-reliance I don't so I'm not going to play those stupid games like other women undo I'm going to simply ask And let you know that whatever if you're pulling away, that's okay. I'm going to be okay And I'm here if you want to talk I'm here if you want to talk I'm here if you want to talk. Is this sinking in by the way, what do you think of this suggestion? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this as we wrap up this live stream. What are your thoughts on what I just suggested Okay, we Jin just writes. Thank you Jonathan. I got a lot out of this video. I really appreciate it I'm grateful for you in my life. Thank you so much Thank you, Jonathan. Glad you're feeling better. Enjoy yourself this evening. Thank you Bridge says that's a sweet answer. Thank you Melissa says I'm starting your book tonight. Yay my book. Where is it? What the heck is self-love anyway? There's the back cover Cell says love your suggestion on this Jonathan You are the best hugs and kisses. Have fun tonight. Julie says perfect All right, folks Where's that perfect? All right. I think this would be a good place to wrap up for the evening just to repeat On how to make a man think about you and want you like crazy number one first off Choose a man whose life is not in chaos Number two perform an emotional aptitude test to determine if he's emotionally mature And if you need help with that check out the link to a free discovery call That's what I teach in my private coaching Third choose a man who shares your values fourth Choose a man whose lifestyle is compatible with yours Fifth choose a man with whom you have chemistry with and lastly build the friendship through social activities hobbies mutual interest And expressing your feelings lead by example because if you have an awesome friendship, he will think about you non-stop All right, this is a great place to wrap up for today I want to thank you all for joining me for the last hour or so from the bottom of my heart Thank you so much. I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic job The bearer of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now All right. Bye everyone