 Hi and welcome to How to Connect with Men by being your confident sensual self. Today I have Patty Contenta from SensualitySecrets.com and Patty is an expert in helping women overcome struggles with their body image as well as connecting with their confident beautiful sensual cells. So thanks for being on the show today with me, Patty. Thanks for having me, Matthew. This will be fun. Great. So you came from the Arthur Murray Dance Studios. You were a dancer as well as an owner. What kind of inspired you to go from a dancer and an owner to helping women express their sensuality? It was a divorce, if I can be so blunt, but it was a time when I was married for about five years in the last probably a year and a half or so. It was a difficult time in our relationship and I ended up finding out that my husband at the time was having an affair and it kind of really devastated my sense of well-being, my confidence, my self-esteem in that moment, everything that I thought I was was now gone. I mean there were feelings along the way and I was constantly reaching out to try to find out but in the end it hit me like a brick wall and after that time I really went on a journey to try to figure out why this happened. I thought I was a pretty smart intelligent woman and I felt like I was someone that was confident and sensual but I know I was that way very much on the dance floor and to gain back my self-esteem and my confidence, that was the one area in my life where I knew I owned it and I said what if during this turmoil time that I'm going through self-reflection and seeing therapists and trying to get through this, what if I used the one place I knew I was most confident in in my everyday life to kind of gain back this whole I am beautiful, I do feel good about myself, I can start dating again and not wonder that every guy I meet is going to cheat on me etc. So I needed to get back in the dating game and I used my journey of you know still trying to heal but at the same time my dance career and everything that I had learned there to kind of get attractive again and that's how it kind of started and I realized it was working and quite well actually so I was like wow that's pretty good and so it just started to that kind of validation that I am beautiful and I'm pretty and I can get attention from anyone was kind of helping build my confidence again. Alright so you know one of the things that I think is kind of fascinating about the whole coming from the space of dance is that so one of the things we're just talking about and for those who if you're watching right now you probably know me at least a little bit know a little bit about my background but I used to be a men's dating coach and the first time I actually heard about Patty was back in geez I think it was 2006 and I watched this interview of hers and it actually kind of inspired me to go out and get involved in dance and so I actually became a swing dancer and spent a couple years studying and practicing swing dancing and it really taught me a lot about myself it taught me about kind of the how it was kind of like this metaphor for how to be in a relationship and how to be a masculine presence in a relationship so I just want to thank you for that and also so can we talk a little bit about what sensuality is what is this what is sensuality look like what you know I know a lot of times people kind of get it mixed up with the idea of sexuality so so what's the difference there cool before I answer that yay you started dancing that's amazing I think every man that you know takes the leap and and learns to dance I have like a soft spot I mean I see it in my studio when they walk in I'm like I'm gonna help you don't you worry you know because there's a stigma sometimes attached to that and and they have to fight all of that so there's a discomfort of being an awkward situation because they're out of their element and it takes a lot of courage and bravery to kind of say you know what I'm gonna do this but it's amazing what you gain from it after right so I'm so happy that you you took the plunge and and that I was able to kind of put a little plant little seed in your mind about that so yay that's great so now to answer your question on sensuality and the meaning the definition if you will and I've defined it as as two parts for me one of the one of the parts is is truly having the ability to elevate the senses so when everybody talks about being present for me one of the ways to be present is really tapping into my senses in different moments whether it's through the food that I'm eating the music that I'm listening to if I'm smelling something if I'm watching something it's really trying to be completely in that moment so one is the ability to elevate the senses and two is really the ability to also manage your sexual energy now this does not mean sexuality or having sex it's really that that part of us where we feel aroused by by someone or by something if you will by someone I should say so and there's nothing wrong with with knowing how to turn that up or down so it's truly the ability to use that sexual energy in a way that's appropriate for your context and and for the person that you're with so I find it's those two things it's really elevating the senses and managing and using your sexual energy so is this something that a woman has to kind of be careful about because she is want to send the wrong signals is it is it something that she should just openly kind of develop and flaunt her sensuality how does this work you bring up a good point because one of the common sort of difficulties that women you know share with me is exactly that is is they're fearful of two things of one creating some sort of sexual advances or allowing the man to have sexual advances when they're not ready and they don't want to be seen as cheap or vulgar and they want to end up being respected for their mind not just their body so what they've done sometimes is shut off that side of them because I don't want to think that I just want to have sex with him that it's okay for him to ask and to you know I want to be respected for more than just my body and granted I get that but not to the to the point where you shut that off so now you don't flirt and so you turn off your sexual energy and then you become you know you you you're you're not in their radar and in the end at the at the beginning level there's still some of that that needs to be present in order to create polarity where a man sees you as this woman that can bring him pleasure because in the end we're still those kind of beings you have to be able to show a part of that but the beauty of sensuality for me is that it's about being subtle it's not about being obvious it's not necessarily you can show cleavage like you don't have to it's really your your decision but it's not necessarily because of the cleavage that means you're a sensual woman it's the way you carry yourself it's the way you hold yourself and the way you move your body in a way that's that's not angular and stiff which is much more masculine that is more flowy and has curves and angles and how you show up in that manner that has nothing to do with being sexual so so I usually teach women about being aware of their body and how they show up in this physical manner that is subtle that is inviting but not overtly sexual okay so a lot of women in our community they have a issue with a lot of them are professionals and they spend a lot of time in this masculine world where they need to be very focused and driven and you know all these different things that you know in the workspace a lot of it really is kind of masculine driven what are some things that they could do to kind of initially tap into that feminine sensual part of themselves okay great so one is literally if they become aware of when they stand or they walk there's a difference between a more masculine sense of standing and walking in a more feminine way of doing it so I make them become aware and I do this in my dance coaching and and and when I'm helping them through sensuality secrets and just showing up in the world become aware one example of a tool that I should teach them is inner thigh awareness and I gave them different tools specifically because I before I actually teach this or explain this to you okay because I want to mention that being in your masculine energy today's world is sometimes is ultimately necessarily because it's created to productivity and we're rewarded for being productive and creating you know meeting deadlines but throughout our day as women we have to recognize transitions and transitions are those moments that are just a few seconds that you're walking from your desk to the ladies room that you're walking from the car to get your coffee you know those are seconds those are moments and those are for me transitions so will you use these transitions or when you're having a conversation on the phone are you perhaps creating a different you know how are you standing or sitting in that position where you're embodying a little bit more or nurturing more of your feminine essence and your sensuality so you have to recognize that it's not just in your dating life in your personal life it's throughout your day how do you nourish this part of you so transitions is key so one of the ways that you want to use your transitions is what I call a transition to is what I call inner thigh awareness so I'm not sure if you're aware of this already in your dancing but there's a way that a woman would move compared to a man that would move and a man is much more if I think about dancing or in everyday life a masculine man has a certain presence where he takes up more space so his legs are a little bit more wider apart you know he is chest is a little bit more present because he's there to protect your space and take care of her in this craziness of the world or a dance world a woman wants to create an inviting environment so her way of moving is is more subtle and is is is I'll say more condensed because she's not there to challenge you she's there to invite you in closer so the way she uses her legs which are not wide apart which is a little bit closer where the knee maybe crosses over the other knee where there's an inner thigh awareness so when you walk with inner thigh awareness when you sit with inner thigh awareness there's a different way of moving compared to I never say that to a guy he just shouldn't because he'll show up softer nothing wrong or more feminine if you will so and it's not as attractive if we're talking about the ultimate attraction the physical attraction of masculine feminine so that is one way where I will show them about inner thigh awareness where there is a feeling of not talking about this super model walk but when you walk and just know when you sit and just feel that if you even just attempted to sit right now Matthew and feel your inner thigh so you bring them in closer together you would feel more feminine as compared to sitting with your legs apart and I think women don't realize that throughout their day they start adapting the masculine way of moving because that's what's what is much more in line with productivity and so you kind of do that all the time and not realize that wait a second I can still be productive or I can still walk and nurture my feminine spirit by being aware one thing is my inner thighs for example great yeah and and one of the things that really kind of got my attention when I was when I was spending a lot of time dancing I don't dance nearly as much anymore but what was just kind of the posture that we had you know and putting your you know your shoulders back and your chest out and and it was it was almost like this thing where I it immediately put me into this confidence state you know the state where I was I I just felt more present more more ready to handle anything that was in front of me which is one of the reasons why I think I I got so interested in it in the first place was because I I changed how I felt so dramatically so quickly just by changing my body posture that that it really it really took my interest so I'm what are some things that women can do if they're kind of a little intimidated or or afraid of maybe being more central how can they get more confident about about doing this about feeling this way about about doing this around men hmm you know how could they feel more comfortable so one of the tools like I mentioned is the inner thigh thing but part of it is you know confidence for me to become confident in anything that I did and and I really had to adapt you know three different things one is preparation which was me which was doing the research and gaining the tools that I needed to learn in order to to have a way to get to this this new way of being so it is one of them I have several but you know about self-touch and about leaning back in your posture so we can go into those later but what it's one is doing the research to find out what are the tools that I need to start getting more confident and and just so we know confidence sometimes is more related to our external way of being but inevitably as we gain the wisdom through through you know reading the right books to feeding our minds to learning the techniques or tools all this external will inevitably influence our internal which is our self-esteem so so it's okay to learn to grab at the external in order to eventually it becomes where you where you radiate confidence from within core confidence so you get those external so prepare preparation is find the tools that you need that are in line that you feel good with that you say I can I can learn this so whatever these tools are then the second part of that of that equation is about practicing them and the practice is recognize like in learning today answer any new skill you're gonna go through awkward moments you're gonna go through this this feels so not part of me like how come I I think about this I think about my inner thighs I think about my back muscles I have to create a curve I have to you know what is that I think it's not as complicated as we make it but it's not and it's not always evident for us because it's not a thing that we practice it's that simple so we need to recognize that part of practicing means it's gonna be awkward and then ultimately is the courage that's the last part of sort of the formula if you will it's the courage to say I'm gonna do this every time I'm out there because or I'm walking or I'm sitting or I'm having a conversation because when it counts the most which is with that person that you're so in touch with that you say oh my god I really like this person you wanted to feel so natural and for it to be natural you want to be able to practice it where you're not thinking about it so so confidence is a skill like anything else in a way that you need to kind of practice prepare for it what are the ways that you're gonna do that so that when it comes in those moments where you have to speak where you have to be with someone you just know how it takes you just a few seconds to get there instead of you know two hours of preparation so so understand that this is a natural way that's a natural course of learning anything of developing any kind of skill of trying to gain any kind of confidence in anything it's going to require preparation practice and ultimately the courage to actually do it and and so it's a normal thing that you're gonna go to these you know I doesn't feel right it's okay you know it didn't feel right for me either when I started I was a tomboy for crying out loud you know in school when you do the prince you know you have the prince the king the queen I went for Joker and I won I beat the guys I was the Joker of the high school not the queen or the princess I was a total tomboy you know so I wasn't like this when I started you know it was really through you know continuously working on my dancing other parts of my life in order to now embody it more yeah so that's that's that was really good I just to kind of emphasize a couple points you just said one is this whole idea of you know it doesn't it doesn't it's not going to initially feel like you and and I run into that a lot of times a lot of people especially women in our community will think that maybe doing something different than what they've always been doing might not might not be them right or or that it's somehow not spontaneous or not being themselves to to to learn how to do something different but it one of the analogies that I give is this this idea of like you know when you learn how to drive a car you know that doesn't mean that when you're driving a car now that you're not being yourself or that you know when you're when you learn how to cook all the sudden when you're cooking it means that you're not being yourself it's just it's a part of it's a way to kind of pull out this different part of yourself so that you can create the results that you want to have in your life and the other part that I really wanted to emphasize about what you said was the whole idea of confidence taking time and you know one of the things that I've learned just about confidence in general is that confidence is built through being skillful at anything so the more skillful you are the more you practice something the more you will be confident at anything so if you don't feel like you're confident right now that's that's actually normal that's like that's to be expected and it's going through that and just continually doing it over and over and over again until you start to feel that confidence in it which comes from competence so let's go in another direction here so how do you take that all these things that we've been talking about and and kind of this you know having your thighs touch and feeling that becoming present to it how do you attract a man with these things so so the idea of that is ultimately these tools so you know I'll give you another one as an example when I get to but ultimately these tools is we want to be able in our day-to-day life where most of the time as women I know it I'm an entrepreneur I have like three literally three businesses I have a dance studio I consult I'm traveling all the time and I have my online business so patty is rarely in the okay I'm just gonna go off for a walk and smell the roses I'm rarely in that place so I need this more than ever because then when I get to my relationship really it's a conscious shift it's not like it's just gonna come to me now that I know this I say I have to shift because I have to switch my energy because with him I don't want to stay in this place because I want to be cherished I want to be held I want to be vulnerable I want to be soft even if I already know how to get there by myself I want him to help me get through that so I make a conscious shift like it's really it's just like I just gonna show up it doesn't you know because literally I practice everything else I'm in my masculine more often than I'm in my feminine thank god I dance like it helps me you know that much more but I'll tell you you know if I literally look at the percentage of my day what energy I'm in I'm much more in my masculine without a doubt and I know that this is most women and so the reality of needing to transition to this and be aware that this has to be a constant practice is key because it doesn't just show up because you're doing it so gosh I kind of I went in a tangent there because you were so making sense to me with the whole masculine within him and the confidence in practicing this your question was how can women practice this all the time right just to keep me on track my question was how can a woman take this and really attract a man with it like what what specifically can she do to uh... be more attractive like like how how does this how does this fit into being attractive to men so so I'm gonna talk about another one of my transition tools and and I'll I'll talk about it because the idea of when we step into our feminine uh... I really feel we go into our central our femininity it's it's an energy that sometimes the masculine lax and it draws them in because it's we're sort of the gateway to their heart and their emotions and the pleasure pleasures if you will so when we learn to do this we sort of inevitably draw them in because it's a part of them that they definitely will lack more because they don't practice it as much not that they couldn't do it on their own they should too but ultimately when we know that this is this is where our power lies this is the reason why we do this so that we show up as more desirable if you will and ultimately a woman that is more desirable is a woman that shows up with much more choice now does this mean you have to constantly switch from partner to partner you do whatever you feel like doing but ultimately when you have more abundance and choice you can then be in a position to choose someone that's in line with your values that's willing to go through challenges of life and support you through life instead of just settle for well he's the only one that's giving me attention so so the ultimate goal is that you know so so woman for example one of the things one of the other transition tool that i use is teach them is about the lean back principle and the lean back principle comes again from from the idea of being able to melt into your feminine energy when you're in a forward poise so i will show you a forward poise is here now this means when i'm here as a teacher or i'm having a conversation i'm much more motivational i'm into you and i said oh this is so cool and you need to do this i'm in a much more a directive style of communication when i sit back and i and i want to have a conversation i want to create rapport and i want to be receptive and open to your presence to your masculine presence i tend to lean back so it changes the way i use my communication at my tone it's slower it it tends to be in a more listening attentive receptive way of being so i physically do this when i'm with my man because uh... not does mean i never lean in but i do this to help me transition okay let me melt i need to melt in his presence i need to start showing another side of me and i need to appreciate his masculine gift because in the end when i do he shows up much more of a and the way i like it to show up which is let me take care of you you know and i want to be taking care of in that moment you know because i know i could do by myself but rather not you know so i use my physicality in the lean back principle to to change my energy to go from a doing poise of being active and taking care of things to a more receptive poised to say you know let me be open to who you are let me hear you differently and please come into my vulnerability because i need you right now which is different does that make sense yeah absolutely and in fact i i think that that uh... that idea can be expanded a lot because it's uh... it's so kind of core and important to uh... some of the things that uh... as far as like a man you know uh... a man wants to wants to be able to come in and be a man he wants to be able to come in and take care of things and feel like he's that masculine presence in your world and so if he comes in and he feels like he's not able to kind of take on that role uh... he's probably going to end up leaving or he's going he's going to end up just kind of sitting back and letting you run things which which doesn't make him feel like he's invested in the relationship and and feeling like he's invested in the relationship one of the uh... the big complaints that i get from just about everybody and just about every woman i i'm uh... talk to in the community is about men and uh... being commitment phobic and and it's not really necessarily that men are commitment phobic it's just that uh... they're they're looking for certain things in a relationship to feel like they're really a part of it to feel like you know they know you to feel like they're in the relationship to feel like they're respected as a man uh... and and in their masculinity uh... and part of that is being able to come in take a lead and take a role uh... and if you're constantly kind of leaning forward and taking over everything and taking control of everything he's not going to feel like he can uh... take over that role and and it's it's going to be it's going to be difficult for him to feel like he wants to commit because he doesn't feel like he's really uh... that he really has a space to be in that relationship and i like i like what you talked about before with the whole inviting him in you know it kinda like comes back to this like leaning back and inviting him in uh... that that really makes a lot of sense to me and so let's talk a little bit about flirting i know that you've got some uh... uh... some cool flirting ideas uh... how can a woman flirt without seeming like she's being kind of uh... overwhelming or or or too much for a guy and before i go into the flirt i just want to add to what you were saying before in the sense that you know i always go go back to the idea it's not that this is the old this is the true basics of a strong basis of a strong relationship meaning uh... you know if you stay in your feminine he stays in his masculine all his bliss and everything's wonderful i really don't want women to feel that way the the the the goal of doing what i'm doing or sharing this with you is to allow them again to be able to be in this bill in this possibility of receiving a man of not necessarily having to to always be in the action mode and it's hard because women have an internal clock that men don't always get i just want to share that because we have the clock of if you want to have babies there's the biological clock as we age we see our youth full physical thing that's disappearing and it puts it scares that shit out of us those two things are like burning underneath every within every woman and and so i really hope that the idea of being sensual and feminine will make them see that they can be attractive in a different way and then ultimately the right person the right person so as she's going through this and she learns to be feminine and sensual i think the right person will will be able to to really be in vibe with you on on your values and recognize that you're having a hard time i'm going to be there with you and he's not going to run away and and at the first sight of difficulty so that's another thing about relationships but at least at the first at within that level because it takes time to do that just to share that within my own relationship like it doesn't happen in seconds that that you know he's sees my sensual feminine spirit that's leaning back and yes he's showing it doesn't happen right away like i know this so i take the time it might take a full hour or so or more and then suddenly the vibe sets in so to be patient with that because sometimes we have this sense of urgency well i did do the lean back and i did that and he still wasn't open to it he's going through his stuff that he doesn't you know his his you know purpose and i have to do this and he's coming in and he might not be receptive to you right away because of everything that he's dealing with so so allow for that time where it might not happen within the first few minutes or seconds just to be patient with both parties so when you're on dates or whatever they may be doesn't happen necessarily immediately so that's why the lean back and the breathing through that and know that give it time i don't have to have an outcome right away it might just require some moments of stillness to allow for some openness to show up so so that that sort of urgency that tends to be with every woman to kind of downshift some out a little bit because i know it's part of it and it's burning inside of us but the more we allow that to take over we still in our masculine so just on that note yeah and and one thing i just wanted to add to that real quick because that's a really good point is that it's it's not just a you know masculine feminine type of duality there there's a you know kind of the metaphor that we've been using is dance you know and it's kind of a dance you know and it's feeling out your partner and it's and it's finding out where he is and and and then kind of um reflecting what's going on you know with him with your own side of things you know and i know plenty of people who um it's not always just this you know the guys the most masculine and the woman's the most feminine i know plenty of guys who who have different aspects of their personality are are definitely more feminine and um they kind of appreciate that masculine side of the woman that they're with and and their relationships are are absolutely great and fine and and they work um because it's it's not necessarily just about you know you're a woman you need to be feminine and he's a guy so he needs to be masculine so i i just wanted to kind of add that onto it and um and then back to what we're talking about with the flirting secrets because i know you've got some great stuff and i'd love for you to share it with us sure sure so one of the things you know if we talk about flirting interestingly also because you know the two again the two reasons that i talked about earlier some women resist the the importance of flirting because one they they don't want to you know invite sexual advances before they're ready and two they want to be respected for their mind not just their body so they tend to shut that side off but uh for me flirting interestingly so what i did was just first let them know is show up first and foremost as a charismatic woman or as a charismatic person even if a man wants to flirt and then add a little sexual energy in there because there is a certain sexual energy to flirting but don't show up with sexual energy first show up with i want to be charismatic so so what is a charismatic person you know charismatic person is attentive um they sort of observe details in a person so you know you you recognize the shirt that he might be wearing the watch that he's wearing the features that he has the fact that you have a little bit of a what do you call that on a chin there word escapes me but i always love that on on a man's chin and i first thing i noticed about you i was like oh that's so hot you know and and that you compliment a man on that because you're like wow that's i like that on you it's not about your looks per se but it's a feature that's everybody has a specific feature that makes them unique so that you begin to pay attention to that and you give a compliment because a compliment is a free gift and and you mean it you know that that that makes that person unique so so part of being charismatic is is the willingness to be attentive to give a compliment to to um to almost uh be playful in the sense of willing to be in the game with someone you know it it doesn't have to be perfect but i'm willing to play with you and and that could mean word games it could be about observing what's going on around you whatever that may be so just be willing to be charismatic and then and and charismatic in the end is someone that leaves you feeling better about themselves and leaves you feeling better about me so in this conversation hopefully you'll come across as feeling better about who you are matt and i'll feel better about myself because i you know i know i can give this to you so so that's what charismatic engagement kind of is and then the flirting part is that sexual energy that you can kind of dab in so and i say this because i needed to practice is when i was in my transition of of trying to gain myself a steam back i went on dates by myself meaning personal dates i used to go to restaurants and sit at the the bar by myself and say i'm going to learn to kind of create conversations with people to kind of be charismatic in this and you know and then ultimately if if it was right to add a little dab of flirting in there just because i needed to to build that skill so that when it showed up in in other aspects whether it was men in my life or i was trying to be on a date it felt more natural so i really say women should be able to do this even on their own you know when there is no guy necessarily around where you're trying to pick him up or trying to call attention to him so so that it becomes more natural so one of the other tools that i've talked about so now i'm going to go into a flirting tool is self-touch this you know i have to tell you the story of how this really which is tied into dancing which really became important to me i was on a coaching lesson with a man a coach he's this guy he's probably he was at the time i think in his 60s easily he had a cigar in his hand and he had like a scotch in the other hand and my partner and i are about to dance the rumba and he had this like you know really raunchy voice he goes okay show me your rumba and so here we are we put the music and we start dancing and probably within 10 seconds 10 20 seconds of me dancing of us dancing he goes to the music stops and he walks up to me not up to my partner and he says patty do you love yourself and i was like uh i think so yeah i don't want to get into my personal stuff but yeah i do well you could have fooled me and i said well what do you mean he goes because a woman or loves herself loves how she feels loves everything about herself her body you know the curves on her body you're not showing me that you're just flailing your arms everywhere and i don't know what to make of it i was like so what does that mean so he goes watch this and then he puts on the music and right in front of me he turns into this feminine sexy woman and i was like oh my god that was amazing so here i am watching him and trying to differentiate what he actually physically did and then i got it i understood so what he did was he he luck he would always track his arm before it came out so before it comes out he would touch his body and then he would lift it he would caress his hair get out to the side he was touch the thigh and then he brought it forward to his to my partner he wouldn't just put an arm out he wouldn't just move this way because that was very again external masculine take-ups but a man should never do that remember i'm inviting space so here i am throwing my arms out but still not realizing i'm still being quite masculine in my movement so the moment i started to track my arm before i moved the moment i touched my lower back and i arched a little bit suddenly the movement was completely different and i was much more sensual in the way i moved within my dancing so i was like oh my god i gotta use this when i'm just sitting and having a conversation so yes i will touch my shoulder or i will caress my hair and i do this because it helps me be more feminine and it shows up much more inviting for him so that is a a sort of flirting tool meaning yes i will caress myself you know on a regular basis because i know one it makes me feel more feminine and i know what it does to the man it shows up more pleasing for him so that's another a flirting tool that's that's that's absolutely true and that was great that was great that was really really great um so that being said Matthew i just want to say can you see now how it's not about the physical beauty like some of the women get caught up with that because they're not a size eight or six and they're size 10 or but really when a woman starts to embody this it won't matter your physical size the right guy that's attracted to your type you'll have more men because there's this sensual confidence that shows up in this way of being that becomes more more attractive so you know ultimately you want the kind of guy that's attracted to your body type if you will but you become much more attractive to probably more men if you start embodying this way of being so there yeah and one thing i wanted to kind of add to that is just that um you know there's this kind of thought process in our in western society that you know women has to have all these different things and i think part of what really is confusing a lot of times is the idea that you know this woman has to have all these different aspects of what different guys like you know so one guy likes you know might be a butt guy you know and he likes butt so you're like oh well i need to have the perfect butt and then this other guy is a boob guy and so you're like oh i need to have a perfect boobs and then this other guy you know he likes skinny girls and then this other guy likes women that are a little bit bigger and so you like a lot of the confusion i think that happens is is women will take just one aspect of each one of these things that these different guys likes and kind of apply it to themselves like their body will ever kind of look like whatever that is that gets mixed and mashed matched together um and and it won't you know and uh not every guy likes you know that kind of um i don't know that that idea that uh that magazine model kind of look there there's a lot of a lot of guys out there that are absolutely not interested in that at all and when you um uh you know when when you become kind of confident in the way that you look and and start um you know a lot of times i get women that come to me and they're you know and they're like early 30s and they're like oh i'm too old to ever meet a guy and and it's really not about you know your age or or any of that it's how you carry yourself it's it's how you feel about yourself you know when a if a um if you're older and you feel young and you feel playful and you feel all these things and you express that in your communication it's very attractive to men you know it's it's not just this whole thing where you have to um that you have to be young and you have to be a size zero or whatever you know there there's this whole um energy about you that that's really attractive to men and so um the the other point that i wanted to kind of make about this is just that um this whole thing is it's not like a this whole flirting thing isn't like a one and done type of thing like oh i just need to go out there and flirt one time with a guy you know this is a very very important skill to have you know every relationship that i've i've seen and i've i've studied a lot of relationships and and the people who uh stay together and grow old together and really love each other and have amazing relationships um it's not that they don't fight or or they don't have conflict or you know there aren't disagreements it's that they um they still create that loving space they still create that flirting environment you know every every couple that i've ever seen that stayed together and and really had a great relationship you know even laid into their 70s and 80s they were still flirting when when you came and talked to them and and uh you know they they're kind of like teasing each other and and you know making semi inappropriate comments with each other and and it's and it's that kind of uh attitude that that really kind of keeps um keeps two people feeling that connection and um so i i just wanted to kind of emphasize that aspect of it because i i think that this what the stuff that we're talking about right now is just so important for um uh forever really to to be a part of something that that uh allows you to express yourself um in this really attractive way forever um and and it'll definitely help you keep them in so um let's take this down to the like total ground level here real quick and and so let's say that a woman's out right and and she's uh she sees a guy that she likes what can she do to kind of get his attention um but not seem kind of like desperate there's different things but ultimately you know one first and foremost i think eye contact is one of the things that most people are very uncomfortable with and especially the kind of extended eye contact where it's long enough so that he notices that you notice him and and that's one of the and so you and you may need to do it on on a few times you know some people say gotta do twice three times whatever it may be but ultimately that that constant eye connection from especially from a distance it's amazing if you just hold it you know like longer than two seconds and turn away like almost you know i've told myself the phrase a little bit where i would look and i would say i see you do you see me and it makes me kind of grin a little bit has kind of soft smile and then continue and then do it again i see you do you see me like a curious like i'm curious about you i'm interested in in that person that's there and in you that what's within you so you you need to be able to first and foremost be comfortable with that and today more than ever we're in a digital age where most people's heads are on their phones on on some sort of smartphone computer ipad whatever you want to we're not even looking up like if you look around it's crazy to see how many people are actually looking down so you you know we're in a different time where this is even more necessary because no one's even taking the time to observe what's around them so you you have to almost be this is where you need to be more in your masculine energy to kind of do this because it's lacking it's we're not even in a social environment where we used to be where you could be sitting in a bar and not looking at your phone we have you'll see couples together not even looking at each other like it's it's kind of interesting to really observe and watch i'll do i'll drive and i notice how people are not even looking at the at the road like it's constant so it's an epidemic okay which means you have to really be able to take the time out to really start doing simple things like extended eye contact where you're observing and then you add a smile to that so it lets the other person know when they do look don't turn away stay at that place and say that do you see me i see you and you smile and then yes you can turn away and then you may need you may need to do two or three times because men have shared with me like it's not just on the first time because i don't want to be rejected when they have to the walk towards you and then they risk having the walk of shame and where they have to go back because you might say no it's the hardest thing that they have to deal with too right men are fearful of rejection as much as women are so so i need to do it two or three times and and where i'm doing that and sometimes i'll even start the conversation you know i've done that in the past where i'll observe something that he might be reading or that he might be looking at and make a comment where i'm going to start the conversation you know as a person that's curious about what he's doing or what he's looking at and and you know even if it just ends there it gives me the courage each time to might maybe be the first one to have the conversation i think today more than ever it can't just be a question of sit back and he's going to show up like it's not that simple like you know there's got to be some sort of active slash passive active forms of inviting this type of man towards you you can't just sit back and and do this and and that's all it's going to take it it requires a little bit more if that makes sense yeah and and and i just wanted to kind of go off of that point because it's it's very very important you know and as a as a man and as a former men's dating coach that that was one of the biggest kind of frustrations that guys have is is just the entire approach thing and and a lot of times i'll get women who will say things like um you know if if he was really a man and he was really you know worth it you know he would come out he would you know just kind of stomp right over and come and talk to me and and it's really um a lot more complicated than that i uh so i i used to be in the military when when i got out of the military i came back from iraq you know and and i was this soldier you know and i i uh came into the dating scene it was it was crazy because i'd go out and i would meet i would see all these women that that i was really attracted to and i knew that i needed like it was my job i have to go over there and talk to him and i would find myself like walking over and then like freezing like halfway over there and uh and then just like turning around and like walking back to where i was you know hoping that nobody saw me and uh you know i remember going home at night and just sitting there and being like oh you know how am i this big bad soldier guy that goes to iraq and like fights for the country and then i come back and it's like i'm scared to death of these little women that i see out in these bars and stuff that i go to and and it really is a frustrate really frustrating thing for a lot of guys and uh anything that you can do and in fact um you know and i know i i talk about this and some of my other materials but you know the guys that approach like that just you know you see it they see you and then they come over and and start talking to you those guys are not the best quality just because they approach you doesn't mean that they're the best quality of guys in fact the the guys who attend who tend to approach often are uh are the guys that are going to approach you and they're they're they're typically like players or they're guys who have been taught to approach because most guys they'll see you and then they get filled up with this feeling of anxiety and overwhelm and they're like they're just like looking for some kind of signal from you they want to get a some kind of sign from you that says that that you know you're interested in them because they you know like you said they don't want to walk all the way over to the other side of the room you know say something to you realize that you're not interested in them and then have to go walking all the way back in shame um so so anything that you can do to kind of invite him over um you know or start the conversation if that's something that you want to do is is really really beneficial i think that you'll um find that you open yourself up to this whole new realm of the types of men that you can get into conversations with just because you're uh change you're doing something different you know most women aren't won't uh do what we're talking about here they won't invite a guy over they won't go over and look him in the eyes and smile and or talk to him or any of that kind of stuff so you you have this huge array of men that most women aren't even being able uh don't even have a chance to go and talk to because they aren't willing to do these things um so uh if somebody wants to learn more about your stuff and and find out more about you and and what you're doing where should they go what should they do well i have uh two specific places i might my site as you mentioned earlier sensualitysecrets.com and there there's you know just general information some videos about what i do and then i i am launching a new book very soon called desirableanddeserving.com and and um that's gonna have some video information and uh so you know check that out also because that'll be a great way to get into my my new book and a new video series about all of this that we've been discussing today and and to be compassionate you know to add to that just to to finish on the note of the compassion part you know we're all doing our best to try to figure each other out you know and every time i hear this when a man's expressing all this even a man said you know i just wanted to help her with this and you know right away she said no don't do this i'm fine you know we don't even realize sometimes how even just allowing them to help us or asking for their help is a wonderful way to kind of be more in that receptive place where you know you want that person to be able to show up as a quote unquote i'll say a hero for you even if it is just picking up the grocery for you or or you know help me with my with my luggage or whatever that may be you want to get into the mode of practicing that where because it does soften you and and that's what we want to be able to do is to be able to soften in that space more often you know and and they might not get it right we all don't always get it right and a sense of compassion along the way because we're human beings trying to figure all this stuff out and i think the person that is most compassionate where you could recognize who's being just rude there's a difference and there's someone that's just kind of they're messing up a little bit but they're doing their best and that's cute you know the a for effort you know for me anyway so so that's it yeah no i yeah you know just just to add to that real quick is is uh you know a lot of times um women will kind of brush a guy off because because it's something real small and little that he does you know and and it's important to remember that we're we're all human you know and we're all just doing our best out there you know stumbling around the world figuring things out and making things up as we go so it's important to kind of be compassionate and to be forgiving and you know allow allow guys to do things that that that might be a mistake here in there once in a while so thanks a lot for being on the show today patty your information is fantastic and and uh i love everything about what you do and who you are and um you know it's it's been an honor to have you on the show today so thanks for being with us thank you matthew that was very sweet of you and i appreciate that you're a wonderful interviewer and and i'm glad we kind of went through this and hopefully your women will have some tools that they can they can use and and you know feel a little bit more playful in this in this world of sensuality and femininity so thanks for for sharing this with your women thank you so much yeah you're welcome and if you're watching or listening right now um i will speak with you again soon