 To understand men now, I'm Johnathan Asley of JohnathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today, our topic, the four beautiful behaviors that make them addicted to you. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time you're in this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance the sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. So once again, all I ask is you give me a chance. All right, let's talk about those four beautiful behaviors that men are just gonna be absolutely addicted to you. So I wanna be candid with everyone. This title is a joke. I'm sorry, it's a joke. I know I might be pissing off some people right now, but I have to say this. It's a click-bake title, okay? And I say this because women oftentimes won't search for terms that will actually benefit them in their lives. They oftentimes are searching from a, what's the word I'm looking for? Doing searching on relationship stuff. And it's always about how to pretzel themselves for men. How to pretzel themselves for men. And I know this because so many of you women say to me, well, Jonathan, why aren't men doing this? Why aren't men listening to you? Why aren't men making all these changes? I agree with you. I absolutely agree with you. I think part of the challenges is that the real content you should be listening to, you're not because you don't like the titles, but you hear this title and go, okay, great. Another way that I can get my guy to like me. Here's the thing. It's not about getting the guy to like you. It's really more about you deciding if you like him, it's really for you to decide is he really compatible with me? Some of the questions you should be asking yourself, does this guy have the capacity to commit to me? And more so, does this guy have the relationship skills to actually be in a fully formed relationship? That's what you should be thinking about and not whether or not he finds these traits beautiful within you, okay? At least that's my perspective on all this. But if the title was different, you wouldn't have clicked on it. So we're gonna start with, we're gonna tell you what you wanna hear, but we're gonna give you what you need, okay? So I wanna lean into this conversation because it's so important to actually choose partners in the early stage of dating that you actually are compatible with. That with him, as I said before, a man that's capable of committing and more importantly, a man who has relationship skills because the vast majority of human beings have terrible relationship skills. If you're not familiar with my, I'm gonna show two charts really quickly. This is my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, okay? Now, by the way, on the bottom here, it says this is not a fact, this is opinion. But roughly, I believe, roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues that makes it very difficult for them to actually be in a healthy happy relationship. Doesn't mean they can't, but it makes it very difficult. Now over here, I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy and has good skills. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say that percentage because as you can see here in the middle, it says dysfunctional is about 60%. And that's probably closer to 65, 70%. I'm sorry to laugh, but it's the truth. How do I know this? Why do 50% of marriages end up in divorce? Why did the other half of people are married are miserable? Why are couples therapies offices booming because human beings weren't taught how to be in a healthy happy relationship? I'm gonna repeat that. Most human beings were never taught how to be in a healthy happy relationship. In fact, most of our patterning has been based on what we perceived our parents were. We were lucky to have parents because many people weren't. And a lot of times people have witnessed dysfunctional relationship with their parents. And guess what? That bleeds onto us, that imprints onto us. In addition, and this is the most important thing I wanna say, most human beings are completely clueless to the following understanding that chemistry does not equal relationship success. Let me repeat that chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. And yet most people are hyper focused on chemistry and romance in the early stages of dating instead of the more important things. And if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, most of you are, I want you to see above the waterline says the word attraction and you can see the tip of the iceberg as chemistry. Below the waterline, what does that word say? It says compatibility. What does compatibility consist of? Shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity, what I've been talking about. Emotional maturity and relationship skills. So ladies, I'm here to say stop focusing on all the ways to be beautiful for a guy and start learning the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And I know, by the way, I know many of you don't agree with me, you have a completely different perspective on this. And yet I'm here to say, why is the dating process so dysfunctional? Why are relationships so dysfunctional? It's because most people, I'm gonna pause for a second. I've observed that dating today, especially for midlife. And this is particularly for those who aren't actively looking for someone to make babies with and start a family with. But most people in midlife, there's two types of people that are dating. Those people that wanna grow with someone or those people that just wanna spend time with someone. I'm gonna repeat that, someone who wants to grow with someone and someone who just wants to spend time with someone. And here's the challenge. Whether you're a man or woman, probably 90% are operating from the, I just wanna spend time with you. Now, I know women have a propensity to want commitment more so than men. Okay, you might not, but not necessarily to grow with a guy. A lot of times you might want commitment from a place of codependency but not from a place of growth. And this is why I hugely, hugely emphasize over and over again to understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship if you want to grow with someone. And before, as I always say, the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be purchasing the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. This teaches you the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. In other words, when I mean by the mechanics, it sets you up with asking the right questions early on to determine, does this person have relationship skills? Do they even want a committed relationship? Are we really compatible with one another? And what was the third thing I said here? Oh, I forgot to include this. And most importantly that he's into you, right? So you wanna, I'm gonna assume here for a second, you want a guy who is compatible with you, who wants commitment, who has good relationship skills and who's into you. So I get that the chemistry is an important piece. I'm not discounting that. I'm just here to say romance should be reserved for when you're in a relationship and not as a precursor to get into a relationship. This is why my narrative is quite a bit different than most everyone's because it's more, most coaches focus on the attraction piece. And it's a misinformed attraction piece because a lot of rhetoric out there tells women to just sit back in your feminine energy and the guy is gonna claim you. Well, let me just tell you this. When you're dealing with a dysfunctional population relationship wise, I don't mean that people can't pay their bills and get to work on time or whatnot. I'm talking about within a relationship then it's gonna require looking at it from a different perspective. And that's what I'm offering everyone here today is to look at a different perspective. So these four beautiful behaviors I'm gonna share. And let me just say something to everyone. I get that it would be great if men were watching this. Let me just say this would be, and by the way, more and more men are watching my channel. I just saw earlier that someone in the chat box is a guy, so that's good. And I'm saying this because I'm a big believer of men learning relationship skills as much as women. It's just that women tend to purchase the relationship books ninefold greater than men. So here's the thing. You already have this wealth of knowledge. I'm here to encourage you to lean into being, to lean into, how do I wanna say this? Leading by example, leading by example, that's what I wanna encourage everyone to do. Okay, so we're gonna jump into those four behaviors in just a second. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. I actually gotta clean my glasses really quick. I'll show you my notes, bump, bump, bump. And by the way, the guy who's in the group just said, amen to all the ladies that are reading these books. And I'm glad he said that because again, leading by example is actually how you're going to bond with your guy. And quite frankly, it's a better approach rather than creating the expectation that he knows what he's doing, operate from the place of, you are in charge of your relationship destiny. And look, I wish I could be there for you on first dates. I'm your big brother. I wish I'd have the shotgun out there pointed at his nose and say, what's your intentions with my little sister? I wish I could do that for you. I want you to do that for yourself. That's what I wanna encourage everyone, which kind of leads into our first of the four behaviors. And that is, by the way, everything I'm about to share here is gonna be, use the word mutual. So I want you to start with mutual attitude. And what I mean to say is, start acting like a guy. Start acting like a guy. And what I mean to say here is, men don't traditionally give their power away to a woman in relationship. Not always, but most of the time, men don't give their power away to a woman. And yet, sadly, women continually give their power away to men. You continually, it's always the relationship that is predicated on his terms, okay? Now the minute you make it, it's about his terms, then all of a sudden you're behind the eight ball because he's never going to do it the way you want it to be. And he's operating the way he wants to. So I'm here to say to adopt the mindset that you are in charge of your relationship, Destin. You never give your power away to a man. This is in essence, what I talk about in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? By the way, links to all the books I recommend are listed below. This is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, so you can actually love yourself to the point where you're not actually giving your power away to a man, okay? And that's how, and by the way, since men don't necessarily give their power away to a woman in relationship, and what I mean by giving your power away, expecting the man to call all the time, expecting the man to plan all the dates. If the man is upset in the relationship, it's all about why he's upset instead of looking inward. These are just examples. When the relationship was over, you oftentimes focus on what's wrong with the guy, what's wrong with the guy, what's wrong with the guy, instead of looking inward and saying, why did I choose this person? Why did I choose this person? Looking inward, looking introspectively, instead of focusing on guy is how you maintain your power. So, mutual attitude of don't give your power away. Now believe me, there are plenty of dysfunctional men that give their power away, I get that. But listen, sadly here in the United States, most humans are suckling on the nipple of, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I'm gonna repeat that. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me. I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself. And I'm here to say, start operating from the place of, I feel good about myself. I have my power, my self worth, my self confidence, my self esteem, my self reliance, because that is a very attractive and addictive quality to have in your life. Number two, I call this mutual mental foreplay, mutual mental foreplay. What I mean to say is a relationship, the dating process today could use a kick in the butt with flirtation, with cockiness, with being brash, being sexy, being bold. And this starts by, even in the flirtation using our devices. And I mean, and being a little bit, a bit cocky is okay. It's actually very attractive. It's a very, by the way, ladies, admit it to me, you're attracted to cocky, confident guys. What's the same for us men? We do like that flirtation, that boldness, that brashness, that sexiness, the flirtation. So start the, you know, and I know it's difficult because, listen folks, it's incredibly difficult today because we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers. We know so little about them. And because of this, emotional intimacy isn't being built these days. I'm gonna repeat, let me reframe that. Emotional intimacy isn't being built, which means emotional safety isn't being experienced. I'm gonna repeat that. Emotional safety isn't being experienced. Do you know what emotional safety is? Is being in a relationship, trusting that that person cares as much about your feelings as you care about your feelings yourself. I'm gonna repeat that. That's emotional safety. When you know that you're, that's trust basically. When you know you're with someone who's, they care about your feelings as much as you care about your feelings. So isn't it fascinating how quickly people will have sex and they won't know each other's last names, they won't know each other's birth dates. They don't even know each other's favorite colors. We know so little about people and this is why I'm leaning into this and this is why I've been lately talking about the book, talking to strangers, how to get to know the people we don't know. Folks, let me just tell you something. It requires, listen, chemistry and romance isn't gonna equal relationship success. What's gonna equal relationship success? Emotional intimacy and emotional safety. And that means it's time to be radically honest with one another. This is why lately I've been recommending the book by Robert Masters called Emotional Intimacy. By the way, both these books I recommend, these are tough reads. These aren't easy reads. You may wanna get the audio version of it, but it's because of a lack of depth that many of these relationships are fizzling out because it's hyper focused on attraction and chemistry and not enough building the heart space. This is why I've been, I recommend this book over and over because it throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric and starts to talk about how to date from a heart centered space. And this is why I recommend if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, by the way, check out the links below. Okay, number, and by the way, what I'm about to share next is exactly from the book if the Buddha dated. And it's what I call mutual effort, mutual effort. The dating process expectation is the man is the leader of the dating process. Let me just tell you this, to men that is draining, that is exhausting when it's always a man initiating text messaging and man initiating planning dates and whatnot. That's exhausting and draining to men. This is why a lot of men begin to bread crumb because the expectation is all on us. I'm here to invite mutual effort. And I gotta tell you, mutual effort is addictive and sexy and attractive. I've shared this story before, I'm gonna share it again. This is an example of mutual effort. I was on a date some years ago, we went to a dive bar and I paid for the first round of drinks. And when it was time to pay for the second round, she reaches for a credit card and hands it to the bartender. And I go, no, no, I got it. She goes, I got it. And I go, no, no, I got it. She goes, I got it. And we got into a little pissing match, okay? For fun. I mean, it wasn't for fun, but I mean, that's what happened. Now, because my traditional upbringing said I have to pay things. That's the way I was taught, okay? That's the way I was raised. So what she did next blew me away. She put her hand on my arm and looked me straight in the eye and said, Jonathan, I really appreciated you treated that last round. Would you allow me to show my appreciation by treating you because you're worth it to me? Can you receive? I mean, I was in shock. I was in absolute shock, what she said. I was floored. And in that moment, I said, wow, this person could be a partner in my life. And while it didn't work out because we had other differences, what I appreciated most was the effort. You know what? Making mutual effort. And it doesn't have to be tit for tat and it's not about paying for dates. It's about looking at each other's life right from the very beginning and making mutual effort. What did I write down here as another example? Anyways, I forgot, I had some notes here and I forgot what it was. But my point is mutual effort because here's the thing to build that intimacy, to build that deeper connection. And by the way, that effort could be he's paying for the dates and you're initiating the emotional intimacy. That's a balance in effort, okay? I'm here to say most men don't know how to connect to their heart. It takes a woman for a man to connect to his heart and that's what I'm inviting you to do. Making mutual effort instead of leaning back in your feminine. By the way, most folks know I can't stand that and it's because that feminine energy coaching to me is princess energy coaching and it just sets you up for failure in the long run, especially if you're in midlife. It can set you back and thankfully many of you have been saying the same in the comments. Okay, number four is what I call mutual adoration. Mutual adoration, by the way, did you notice I use mutual and all this because I'm not making this one sided and mutual adoration in particular in each person's authority in life in each person's authority in life. So let me give you an example. Whether I'm an authority or not I am actually a very successful dating or relationship coach. I'm probably in the top 5% in the whole country and I'm basing that probably on income and there's probably people that make way more than me and 95% of people make no money. By the way, all the dating advice out there that the dating coaches you watch, 95% of them barely make a dollar, okay? And I'm not saying it's about the money but I will say this, people who are successful at what they do tend to be better at what they do. So coming back to what I do for a living, you know, my heart yearns for a woman and goes, wow, I admire what you do. I admire your authority. I admire your confidence in what you do. And by the way, a man should be doing the same in your authority in life. Whatever that is, whatever that is. In fact, I have a friend, I've talked about my Pilates instructor quite a bit. By the way, we are not dating and we would never date because we're brother and sister but I really appreciate her authority because she's helping me retrain my back. And I find that incredibly attractive. So appreciate and adore someone's authority in life and their particular authority because look at, we all need validation to some degree. And so when we spend time focusing on the more important things instead of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and we focus more on appreciation, on attention, on affection, on acceptance. When we focus more in that area, that's highly attractive in the long run. And that's what we'll be addicted to. So let me repeat this one more time. Mutual attitude, start to think, don't give your power away. Mutual mental foreplay, be cocky, be sexy, be brash, be flirty. Number three, mutual efforts. Don't expect, by the way, men don't have the capacity to do it all on themselves. You have to make effort and this starts from the very first date. And lastly, mutual adoration, mutual adoration. All right, I think we covered a lot today. All right, it's time to jump to our Q&A for those listening right now or for those here right now on the YouTube video. There's a chat box right there where you can post a question. If you have a question of me or you wanna discuss something, write the word question and post the question there after or purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the money and from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of Connor right there doing his little signs and that's, I love, this is one of my all-time favorite pictures and there's me in my book. And if you're listening to the audio portion, you won't be able to see this. So again, purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat or write the word question and then post the question there after. All right, let's go swimming and see what we've got here. Gary says, chivalry is not dead. Not dead, ladies. It just goes farther than just opening a car door. You know what's interesting? So opening a car door, standing up when a woman sits down, walking on the outside of the streets. We view those as gentlemanly acts. We view those as gentlemanly acts. I call those parlor tricks. Those are parlor tricks. Do you know what a true gentleman does? A true high value, high quality, whatever term you wanna use. Do you know what they can do? If they did something wrong, they apologize. That's the mark of a gentleman. Do you know what a gentleman does? He actively listens to you when there's a disagreement between the two of you and he understands that your point of view is important to you. Do you know what a gentleman does? He has empathy for your feelings. Do you know what a gentleman does? He's transparent with his own feelings. And more importantly, a gentleman actions match their words consistently. And even more importantly, they operate from a place of victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. So yes, opening car doors and walking on the outside of the street are great. But those are just parlor tricks in my opinion. What matters most is can he apologize. That's, and then actually take ownership. That is what a gentleman does and not those parlor tricks. But Gary, that's just how I feel about that. So thank you so much for that one. All right, Monique writes in. Question, do men like self-reliant women or is it a turn off? Self-reliant, by the way, whether we like it or not is irrelevant. Self-reliance is what every human being should want for themselves. Being dependent upon someone else is a very dangerous thing. Do you know how many women go through divorce that literally have no job skills and they're suffering financially afterwards, especially if there's been a financial break in the marriage? Self-reliance is a incredibly attractive trait and only men who are egoic and controlling find it unattractive. Let me repeat that. Goic men, controlling men cannot stand a woman who's self-reliant because a controlling guy wants a woman at his beck and call. Whether we call it high value, high quality or just a good guy, self-reliance is an incredibly important trait for everybody. Ladies, let me ask you, are you attracted to a man who isn't self-reliant? Probably not. Are you attractive to, you know, I was gonna say my son, he's working on becoming self-reliant. But this goes, everything goes to, it's a two lane street. We have, this is why I continually recommend the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it takes out the stupid gender rhetoric. And again, I started this broadcast by saying the title is so effing stupid because it's all based on getting you to change who you are and I'm here to wanna change you from the inside out, not for the guy's sake, for your own sake. For your own sake. Yeah. Hey, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right. Let's see what we got here. Let's see, Heather writes, question, how much do you think middle-aged men care that a woman has shared nudes with their ex? Great question. So men are naturally territorial. I mean, for the most part, we're better off with a virgin that we don't have to ever think about their past relationships. Although that may not be the best thing that I'm just saying, on some level, men are territorial. Here's the thing, most humans don't like to hear about your past relationships, especially the intimate things about a past relationship because it can trigger our own insecurities. It can trigger our own insecurities. Now, when you're in a secure relationship, when you're in a secure relationship, I don't think that could be that big of a problem. I mean, it might trigger someone, but when you're in a secure relationship with an emotionally healthy person, I think if a woman told me she took nudes for her guys, I'd go, that's kind of cool. Will you do some for me? I remember I dated a woman once. We watched the movie nine and a half weeks. Has anyone seen nine and a half weeks? Love, I mean, that's back in the 80s, but she did that dance for me when that Joe Cocker song, you can take your hat off. You know, she did that whole dance for me, which was sexy. So how do I get off on that tangent from nudes? But if she shared, she did that. But my point is you should want to do those same things with your partner. That's what I'm leaning into. Now again, controlling man, egotistical man, insecure man, you may not want to share that with. I only recommend sharing that with a man that you're in a secure relationship with, and he's an emotional grownup. He's an emotional grownup. By the way, I'm reading a new book. I want to share this with everybody. Talking about emotional maturity. It's called, I'm just started reading. It's called, I Hear You by Michael Sorenson. The surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. And why I'm sharing this right at this moment relating to Heather's question, is learning how to properly validate somebody, to learning how to properly validate someone. So let me give you an example that's listed here. It says, for example, an invalidating response. That's unfortunate, but you'll get over it. It could be worse. My neighbor caught the flu last year and was bedridden for almost a month. This is an example, right? Now validating a response would sound like this, ah, that sounds miserable. It's so frustrating not being able to sleep when you're sick and I can't stand sore throats. You see how one way of communicating is accusatory and the other way is of validating. This is why I continually recommend the book, everyone should be also reading the book along with I Hear You, is the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. And the reason why I recommend this and I'm bringing it up during Heather's question is because how we communicate to our partner can significantly affect how they feel about us. If we operate from a place of victim consciousness and accusatory contempt or criticism. By the way, in John Gottman's work, he talks about the Four Horsemen to the Apocalypse. And that is criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness, okay? And human beings are riddled with doing this. When I say riddled there, we're addicted at operating from that premise of operating from the place of you're wrong and I'm right. And women do this just as much as men. Men are bad at this, women are bad at this. This is why I continually recommend these books that everyone should be, or I'm recommending to read these to actually get those relationship skills I talked about earlier. So when you get to the point where you're asking a guy, you're telling maybe sharing that you did nudes for someone, you know it's a safe place to say this because you built that emotional safety through emotional intimacy. And folks, I'm here to say it's so critically important before the penis goes inside the vagina to really get to know another human being. It takes a hundred hours of face to face time to just get at the stage level one of trust. That's level one of trust. And I want you to ask yourself this. And I know we don't have a promiscuous group out there but I'm sure many of you have had sex with at least three to 10 guys in your lifetime. How many of them did you never see again? And how many men have you been intimate with, physically intimate with, who don't have your best intentions at heart? How many men have you had sex with that didn't have your best intentions at heart, okay? That's what I'm trying to encourage here because the bottom line in a healthy happy relationship is trust. And trust isn't about fidelity. Trust is does this person have my best interest at heart and vice versa? And like I said earlier on your big brother I wish I could be there with the shotgun so I can ask him do you have your, do you have my little sister's best interests? Because if you don't, you're gonna get your ass shot off. You have to do this for yourself. You can't expect men to do this for you. So what I mean to say is learn better communication skills start practicing radical honesty to build that emotional intimacy that leads to emotional safety where you can trust one another and that's my invitation for everyone. So Heather, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's go swim. All right, if you have a question, post the word question or you can, oh, Jackie says, can you show that book again? It's called, I hear you, I hear you. By the way, you can always go back and rewind this by the way of the video. All right, let's go swim in, bum, bum, bum. Do you have a question for me? Write the word question and post the question thereafter. It'll be easier for me to find. Okay, can you give examples question? Can you give examples of emotional intimacy, please? So emotional intimacy is about talking about your feelings. Talking about your feelings. What did I write? Bear with me, everyone. I wrote myself a note earlier today that might help illustrate this a little bit. So bear with me a second, bum, bum, bum. Where's my notes? Emotional safety comes from emotional intimacy. Emotional safety is trust. Your feelings matter as much to me as they matter to you. Emotional intimacy is built through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, as well as spending time with family and friends and also sharing one's feelings about all of these experiences together. Folks, I know you've been taught by a lot of older coaches. I'm talking about those senior citizen coaches that men focus on thoughts and women focus on feelings. Emotional intimacy isn't built through the thoughts. So what you might wanna say is, you know, questions by, hey, how did you feel about that experience? So let me give you an example. Since you asked for examples, I wrote one down. Instead of asking a guy, what'd you think of that movie? You could say, how did you feel about that movie? Feelings and emotions. Feelings include sadness, happiness, fear, anger, surprise, disgust, okay? Feelings is how you connect on an emotional level, okay? That's how you connect on it. Excuse me, on an intimate level is through your feelings, not through your thoughts. We don't connect to our heart through our head. We connect to our heart through feelings, okay? So I know a lot of guys will rebuff you, okay? That's because a lot of guys are incapable of being in touch with their feelings. Do you remember earlier when I shared the story about that woman who wanted to pay for the round of drinks and I shared with you, she said, can you receive? This is a really important thing. If a man can't be able to tap into his feelings, then you will not build an emotionally safe relationship with this person. So it requires habitually talking about your feelings and invoking him to talk about his feelings. Let me tell you something. It's gonna be difficult for guys and yet the end of the day, that is how he's going to lean into emotional safety with you. So it's not only doing those social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends. It's also about talking about your feelings. It could be about the feelings about, you know, your experiences you've had. It could be feelings about your work life. It could be the feelings about the relationship and it's time to shift the narrative because guess what? The old way is dysfunctional. It doesn't work. And that's why I'm offering an alternate way and that's why I continually recommend those books over and over again. So, Jackie, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much. Let's go swimming. Let's go swimming. Question. Renee Reina says, question. On the first phone call, can we have what are the main things to ask and listen for? I've learned it's critical time. Great question. So, Reina, let me just say this. Part of folks, part of my private coaching teaches you how to ask the right questions based on your personality. How to ask the right questions to determine compatibility and to determine emotional maturity from a man. So check out the links below to a free discovery call with me if you wanna learn that. Here's a great question to ask a guy right from the get go. I'll give you a freebie. And that is, what does commitment look like for you? What does a fully committed relationship look like for you? Folks, instead of asking a guy, do you want a relationship? I don't know how many women say, well, I asked him, he said he wanted a relationship. Well, by the way, the word relationship can mean two different things to do to different people. So you gotta go deeper and say, well, what does that mean to you? What does that look like for you? For example, if you follow my work, you know, what I'm seeking in a relationship is where we spend three or four days and one nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal or professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That is what I want in a relationship. What do you want in a relationship? Now, first off, never lead with yours, okay? Start with him. Here's the problem with most guys. They're like, I don't know. I don't know. They're clueless. Most men are winging it. They're winging it. They're winging it. They're rather clueless. This is why I know you love the narrative of guys being the leader of the relationship, but I continually say, ladies, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. So start asking better questions in the beginning to determine if you're actually compatible with one another. The best place to do that is on the telephone. And then that way, when you meet, it can be the fun thing. First off, when you meet, you're doing the sniff test. I'm trying to sniff like a dog. You're doing the sniff test to determine if you're attracted to one another, but you wanna have a good time on the first date. So get some big, important questions out of the way to determine if you're right for one another. I gotta tell you, it's easy these days you can just talk about politics and vaccines and probably weed out half of the population that doesn't agree with you, because that's almost half the population who doesn't agree with you. So anyway, that would be some things you might want to consider. So again, Ray, thank you so much for that question. By the way, folks, is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Hit that like button or say amen. Let me know if this is resonating with you what I'm sharing. All right, Amber writes, question, I would love some advice on how to build a combined family, both myself and my partner and have kids from other relationships. It'd be great to have some tips on how to build this together. One of the hardest things to do in midlife is blending lives with one another, blending lives with one another. In fact, we had this false narrative if you grew up in the Baby Boom Gen X generation, you probably remember a TV show called Brady Bunch, Brady Bunch, and there was Carol and Mike Brady and they each had three kids and the kids shared one bathroom and Alice had her own bathroom and Mike and Carol had their own bathroom and six kids had to share a bathroom. Well, that was a TV show that all they, their biggest crisis was the potato sack race they had to deal with. Even Carol didn't have to work, she had a maid that lived there. I mean, talk about how easy was it, okay? So with that said, blending lives require, I'm a big believer of before you really engage with someone who has an active family, the each have active families is to talk about this before you get physically intimate with one another. I know this goes against all the coaching out there, keep it light, keep it simple, don't interrogate, don't ask questions. I'm suggesting the opposite, but coming back, by the way, this book, eight dates is a great book to have those conversations because one of them happens to be about, hold on a second, about, happens to be about family, room to grow. Look at that right there, family, room to grow, right there, room to grow. You've got all, here, we'll leave it open to page 141, 141, bear with me. And here is the conversations to have to determine if you're really compatible with one another. So just how to bring it up and troubles, see this, bringing it up, troubleshooting, affirming our future together. This is where you can get a lot of insight to help you. And again, ladies, before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be asking these questions because the worst thing to do is get attached to someone via oxytocin only to find out they're not right for you. So that would be my suggestion in this case. So Amber, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. Also wanna thank Roller Girl for the $4.99. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Let's go, there it is, Roller Girl. Thank you for that, I appreciate it. All right, is this, oh, okay, Angie writes. Question, why a man contacts his ex to meet up while he's dating another woman? My ex did, but I told him no way and I insist to delete my number. Why would a man contact his ex? Well, most likely in this particular case, he still has feelings for his ex. Now, here's the thing. Let's differentiate between divorced people that are raising children with someone and they have a legitimate reason to be talking to their ex-spouse. For those of us who are divorced and have children, there are going to be many reasons why you talk to your ex-spouse. I know I talk about my Pilates instructor all the time and I think she speaks to her ex-spouse four or five times a week because there are parental things that need to be covered. But let's say there isn't parenting going on. Why would a man talk to his ex? Because he has feelings for her. There is a bond there at one time. It's very difficult to unravel the tapestry of a life that you might have had with someone else, especially if you cared for them. So if the woman broke up with the guy, he may still be in love with her. That might be a part reason. He feels emotionally safe with her. That might be another reason. So I can give you a bunch of reasons. What matters most is, and in your case, it sounds like you deleted them anyway. You got to look at this. Coffee mug says, do all things with love. I'm not a big proponent of doing things out of anger. I'm a big proponent of doing things out of love. First love for oneself and then love for humanity. And that's what love would do and that's how love would respond. So coming back to your question, those are the possible reasons. Keep in mind, people that have children with someone else are going to have a need to speak on a regular basis. And if they don't, then it could be that they have feelings for them. So, all right. By the way, is this resonating? Give me a thumbs up. Tell me, amen. Thank you. Say something in the chat box so I know this. All right. You know what, folks? We're coming up at 45 minutes. I think this will be a great place to wrap up today. It's Friday night. I want you to go enjoy the evening. I'm heading out to a restaurant in Hollywood with some friends. So I want you to go enjoy your Friday night. I'm gonna go enjoy my Friday night. Let's hope this content provided value again. I wanna say this, look it. I know these titles are designed to get you to click. What I'm here to say is what's most important in your life is loving on yourself. It's not about whether or not the guy cares about you. What matters most is you care about you. And choose men who are compatible with you that want commitment, that have relationship skills, and most importantly that you're into each other because the best part about being in a relationship is fucking on a regular basis. So choose not focusing on the sex, focusing on those other things because the sex is just the icing on the cake when you have emotional intimacy, which I said earlier leads to emotional safety. And when you can feel that level of trust with someone, that's the kind of relationship I'm hoping that we all get to experience at some point in our lives. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this live stream as I always do. First off, post a comment below if you're resonated with, you have any questions. I do my best to read them all. Please share this with your friends. There's links to my coaching. There's a link to my membership group. There's a link to my Instagram if you wanna follow me on Instagram and also my book and everything I recommend. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic drop of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Patricia and Grace and Roller Girl and Sherry and Kelly and Amber and Nicola and Jennifer and Tammy and Patricia and Susan and Ginger and Heather and Lisa. Sandra, thank you all so much. Wishing you a super duper wonderful day. Bye now.