 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Fay show. By your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Fay show, transcribed by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. Three letters. Yes, three letters. RCA now mean years of easier cooking for you. You'll find the RCA emblem on time-saving, work-saving RCA estate ranges. The only ranges that grill, bake and barbecue all at once. Yes, RCA brings you many wonderful features that take all the drudgery out of cooking. The unique hideaway griddle right on top of the range gives real grilled flavor. The sensational barbecue or meat oven gives roasts and poultry a true charcoal-done flavor. And the spacious, balanced, heat-bake oven with absolutely even heat assures you perfect results every time. All this in the beautiful RCA estate gas or electric ranges, plus automatic controls that do your cooking for you even when you're out. Here's the range you've always dreamed of, a new RCA estate. See them the first chance you get at your neighborhood dealers. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's a matter of history that Napoleon retained control of his troops by his relentless discipline. Phil Harris is also aware that no organization can function properly without an iron hand at the helm. And we now find him administering a stern lecture to his orchestra. Hi fellas, okay fellas, that's quiet down, huh? Hi fellas, that's quiet down, that's it, quiet down. Now listen you guys, it may come as a surprise to some of you, but I happen to be the leader of this outfit. I'm in full control. I'm the general, the dictator, the boss. And you're gonna do what I say as long as I'm paying your salary. What salary? We haven't paid for eight months. You found the one flaw in my argument. It just happens that your last few checks were all used up by certain deductions. You know the fellas would like to have you explain those deductions, Curley. They are very simple. There's the musician's tax, the state tax, the withholding tax, the non-withholding tax. And the Clyde McCoy Memorial Fund. And last but not least, the most important one, the Phil Harris Benevolent and Protective Insurance Program. Curley, we've been paying into that insurance company you organized for 14 years. None of us ever received any benefits. Tut, tut, don't worry, you're covered. From what? Mr. Lewis, it states right in your policy that you get a check for $8.72 each and every week that you're laid up with jungle fever. Jungle fever comes from Africa. How are any of us ever going to be in Africa? The rats you guys take home every Saturday night, you're right on the fringe, Clyde. Right on the fringe. Now look, don't change the subject. This is the only band in the business with no discipline. Now look, there's going to be a new set of rules around here, and here's the first one. You remember last week the tenor sax player swallowed his mouthpiece? Well, from now on, there'll be no more playing in contour chairs. Elliot, tune up the band. Tune up the band? You heard me, tune up the band. Okay. She was a slave driver. What are you waiting for? I forgot how. Sound-a-nay. I showed you how to sound-a-nay. Look, on the piano, remember? Steinway. Oh, oh yeah. That's it. Now let me see. S-T-E-I-N-W. Oh, here it is. Yeah! Good going, Dad. That's it. All right, you got that, fellas? One, two. It's welkin' his champagne. That would have been perfect, but we didn't have no bottom in it. I didn't hear no bottom. I didn't hear no bass. Hey, uh, uh, Smalls, you. Why weren't you playing? Why, I wasn't playing. I'll tell you why I wasn't I playing. Because I don't like this kind of music as this. That's why I wasn't I playing. Oh, I suppose that you're too good for that kind of music. Is that it? Yeah, yeah. And a double, yeah. And Stitzelberg, Germany, where I come from, that's where they got good music. Well, I like the kind of music we play. You should have it yet. Stitzelberg, you should hear every Saturday night on the radio the Hammerschlagen hit parade. Sponsored by the Hammerschlagen sauerkraut company. Ah, what a theme song. It goes like this. Hammerschlagen sauerkraut hits the spot, there's it cold, there's it hot, comes the jazz martyrs and his, open up the top and listen to it fizz. The sauerkraut sounds like a real gasser. You could run a Jaguar and a Jew. All right. Let me tell you something, Smalls. You got to learn to play our kind of music on that bass horn of yours. So please forget about Stitzelberg. Forget about Stitzelberg? How could I forget about Stitzelberg? My family is there, all my sisters, my brothers, my mother, and, oh, my papa. Oh, my papa. I'm sure your father was a great guy. You bet your bottom clock versed he was. You should have known, my own papa, why he was so respected in the village whenever he would walk down the Pilgrim Plout. Everybody would say, there he'd go to Schwarzenegut, Direktor von Obermeister. Oh, was he the mayor? No. He was the head goose duck in a sausage factory. A who's duck? Yeah. When someone would fall in the sausage machine, my father would look in and say, who's duck? Well, look, guys, I want you to settle down and take this music seriously because we've got a very important job to play in a couple of weeks. Where's that, Curly? It's one of the biggest events on the social calendar. It's the annual hijinks of the Salinas lettuce packers. It's going to be a street dance. Really? Yeah. A street dance this year, instead of chaperones, they're going to have lifeguards. Because last year, one of the lettuce pickers got carried away by the music of the moonlight waltz and waltzed right down a storm drain. He was picked up by a Portuguese sardine boat near the Malibu pier. Oh, yeah, I remember. They awarded that guy the Arthur Murray Cup for the Samba. That's right. It's a surprise what new steps you can invent with your pants full of anchovies. Oh, Clyde, who cares about the price of coffee as long as we've got each other? Hey fellas, we're going to have to play real good on that job, so let's go to work now. You ready? Okay. Now watch me. One, two. Okay, buddy, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute. And don't talk back. Hold it. What's that? What's the matter, Jack? Don't you like gypsy? That's gypsy music? Yeah. I can't make a violin cry, but I sure can make a trombone sweat. Listen. Wait a minute. Now wait a second, Granny. Where'd you come from? What are you doing in my band? What happened to my regular trombone player, Ziggy? He couldn't make it today because he's sick. Sick? What's the matter with him? He's got jungle fever. If he's yellow, I'll pay him. Let me ask you something. Adame your age playing trombone. How do I know that you can cut the arrangements? Come on, Jack. I've got to make a few extra bucks. I've got a husband to support. Aw. Yeah, he's a midget. But he's solid, man. Let's get on with this bash. Now, hold on, Curly. Hey, Granny. Yeah. How'd you ever happen to get married to a midget? Well, I was playing a trombone at a nightclub one night, and I reached out my slide for a low note, and when I brought it back, he was hooked on the end of it. Look, I'll never be able to hold my head up down at the union, but I'm going to give you a try. Now, come on. Let's run through my song one. Every Sunday afternoon, they'd jump in his boat, and then they'd swim, and then he'd row, row, row. Right up that river, he would row, row, row. I hugged the giver, then he'd kiss a nine-man. She would tell him, well, then he'd fool around, and fool around, then he'd kiss again. A little further, he would row, just he and flow. And with her head on his chest, a few measures resting off, he'd row, row, row. In Johnny's boat, he had a cute little seat, and all the kisses that he stole were so sweet, and he knew just how to row. He was at rowing, row me oh. He had an island where the trees were so grand, he knew just how to land. Then tales of love, he'd tell the flow, till it was time for them to go. And then he'd row, row, row. Haunt up that river, he would row so slow. That hug he'd give her, then he'd kiss a nine-man. She would tell him, well, then he'd fool around, fool around, then he'd kiss again. A little further, he would row, just he and flow. And then he'd drop both the oas, take a few more encores, and off he'd row, row, row, just he and flow. Row, row, row, righted to him. Row, row, he had no Johnson motors, so Johnny and flow would row, row. Man, all right, you played up some great riffs on that horn. You know something I'd like to use your steady. I'll see if I can't make it work out somehow. Okay, fellas, that's all for today. You can wash it up, huh? Will you listen to me, Alice? I'm telling you truthfully. Look, she's just an old lady, but man, she really blows up a fine storm on that trombone. I know, but what about your regular trombone player? Look, honey, I'm gonna keep Ziggy, and that'll make me four brass. I figured this day will be a real novel. Oh, Phil, how can you afford to hire another musician? All I'm gonna have to do, honey, is just fire somebody. Fire somebody? Who? Well, I'll just have to fire somebody who's too stupid to resent it. But, Phil, he's your best friend. Well, maybe so, Alice, but everybody has to go sometime. This is a question of business. And besides, Elliot is the lousiest musician in the whole band. Oh, honey. Well, he is, Alice. He hasn't even got a real guitar. He just ties four ribbons on a high-lie bat. Well, the drummer hasn't got a drum either. He sits there pounding on a day-old pizza. That's not true. He gets them fresh every morning. No, Alice, there's no two ways about it. Elliot's got to go. Now, just as soon as I think up a way to do it, I'm gonna fire him. Wait a minute. On second thought, I won't fire him. I'll give him his choice between quitting or becoming the organ pumper. Oh, Phil, that's not fair. It's the lowest-paid job in the musician's union. And besides, who wants to get down on his hands and knees and pump that old organ? Well, that's the idea. If he doesn't want to do it, he can quit. And that'll save me from firing. Hey, Colonel, you in the front room? Yeah, yeah. Oh, Phil, I don't want to be a witness to this treachery. Well, Alice, there comes a time in a man's life when he's got to be a man and face the consequences of his actions. This is just cold-blooded business. Elliot will come in, I'll fire him, and it'll all be over that quick. Well, good luck, but I don't think it'll be that simple. Hey, Curly, I meant to tell you... Wait a minute, will you, Elliot, please? Just hold it a minute. I got something very important that I want to discuss with you. I just wanted to say that I was in the other room listening to some of the recordings you made for RCA Victor. They sure pick the winner when they pick you. I never realized before, Curly, what a high-caliber voice you've got. Such enunciation, such intonation, such timbre, such beautiful resonance. It's so great, it's overwhelming. Do you really mean that, Elliot? Is my singing really that good? Curly, it's breathtaking. Now, what was it you wanted, Curly? Kiss me. No, no. No, no, I don't mean... Look, look. Well, now please, just let me get to the point. Yeah, Mr. Hatchetman, take your friend's job away from him. Tell him that you're cutting off his means of livelihood. Go ahead, starves his old gray-haired mother. By the way, Elliot... Yeah? How's your old gray-haired mother? Fine. She's a blonde now. Oh, then she's still able to get around, huh? Oh, sure. Well, most of the time, she just sits around the house knitting. I guess she's getting to be an old lady. What's she knitting? An old man. Hey, that was pretty funny, wasn't it, Curly? Now's the time to let him have it while he's in the good mood. Tell him if he wants to stay with the band, he's got to get out on the floor and pump the organ. Elliot, did you ever play football, or so did you save the knee pads? Gee, you're sure or acting kind of funny, Curly? I don't understand it. Look, Elliot, I've got something very important to say to you, but I just want to be sure that I say it in the right way. And I'd like to have just... Well, just a little more time to think it over. Look, wait here, will you? I'll be back. What's the kitchen? What's it to you? Get your chin out of the cat's milk. It's a dress book and then couldn't locate your glasses. Julius, I want you... I'm a pretty timely kid. Now I've got real serious problems today. Oh, gee, Mr. Harris, I didn't know. Anything I can do for you? I'd like to help. Oh, you couldn't help me. It wouldn't do any good. I know you might want to help me, but you can't help me. Why do you know? Well, I've got to fire Elliot. To fire a guy like Elliot, you've got to be a low-down, no-good, dirty, sneaky rat. Don't you? Please, will you? Elliot's in the other room, and I've got to get this over with. Well, I've got an against you, and as soon as he insults you, you're firing. Now how could I get him to do that? Well, I'll call him in here and talk to him, and you hide behind the refrigerator and listen. Well, it's pretty sneaky, but I guess it's the only way. Go ahead. Oh, Mr.... Yeah, yeah? Oh, hi, Julius. What do you want? Mr. Lewis, I need help. I want to join a club here and then see no one. I need a good sound character reference. Now, tell me honestly, what do you think of Mr. Harris? Well, I've worked for some lousy band leaders before, but he's the best. There's a compliment in there somewhere I can feel it between my shoulder blades. Ah, come on, Mr. Lewis, level with me. Now, what did Mr. Harris ever actually do for you? Well, let me see. He said that he'd... But he didn't. Then he promised that... He meant nothing. Come to think of it, the louse ain't done anything. Oh, I haven't, have I? Now that's a hot cup of gratitude for you. Curly, what were you doing there behind the refrigerator? So I haven't done nothing for you, huh? Tell the truth now. Where were you when I first saw you and exactly what were you doing? Gee, Curly, the real truth? Yeah, yeah, just what were you and what were you doing? Well, through overwork, I was subject to fainting spells. And I had sat down in the Huntington Library to rest. You were a bum-clied, flat-n-a-gutter at 5th and Main. Okay, but you didn't pick me up. No, but I put two cents in the parking meter so you could sleep a little longer. You should have put in a nickel. When I woke up, I found a ticket shoved under my glasses. Hey, Curly, I don't get this third-degree bit. What's this all about? What's it all about? I'll tell you what's it all about. You're fired. Curly, fired? Take your imitation cardboard guitar case and your cotton pick and picks and get out of here. Well, all right, but, gee, Curly, I'm sorry this happened at a time like this. It had to come sooner or later. Yeah, but it's just that I'm... It had to come sooner or later. It's just that I haven't told any of the fellows or you about this, but my brother-in-law is the new manager at the Ambassador Hotel and I landed the orchestra job there in the Coconut Grove. I was gonna ask you to be the leader. Like I said, it don't have to come now. It can come later. You don't old pal. Now that you've shown me your true colors, I'm gonna take that job myself and I'm gonna be the leader. Now, wait a minute, Ellie. Let's talk it over. There's no need for you. Okay, fellas, let's try it once more. We gotta sound good in that Coconut Grove. You mind, fellas? Oh, no, Mr. Loose. For you, we blow till our eyes pop out. You're the best leader we ever had. Any boy? Yeah. Okay, okay. Well, we'll try this number again. Saxophone's ready. Fine. Brass ready. Rhythm. Okay, now let's take it right from the top of me. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold everything. You can't start without me. What's the matter with you? What's holding you up? Well, I'm not gonna pump this organ until I'm ready and one of my knee pads has a slow link. 79,999,999,80 million. 80 million in one, 80 million in two. What are you doing, Curly? Counting Alice's money? She doesn't deal in small change. So what's all this 80 million business? Well, I've been checking figures. Ah-ha, figures. You're a sly one, Curly. Now, numbers to you, Elliot, and they show that 80 million persons every other American have television. Now think of that. Every other person can watch the fights, see comedies, movies, dramas, write in his own living room on television. That's a lot of television, Curly. That's a lot of people, Elliot. And you know of those 80 million, more of them own RCA Victor TV than any other kind? Well, it just goes to show you. People know a good thing when they see it. Right, and here's our expert on good things. Bill Foreman. Thanks, Bill. For 1954, the best buy in television is RCA Victor's New Master 21 model. For as little as $199.95, you get every advance that has made RCA Victor the most wanted and highest rated picture in 21-inch TV. How's that for value? $199.95 for 21-inch quality television with RCA Victor's famous Magic Monitor, Golden Throat Fidelity Sound, and Rotomatic Tuning. See the Master 21 at your RCA Victor dealers now. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor television owners. This is Bill again. We're a little late, folks. Thanks and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Berna Felton and Bill Thompson. The part of Julius is played by Walter Tedley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. Listen to Artie Shaw and the greatest band he ever led. From the golden age of the big band, RCA Victor brings you the Artie Shaw broadcast album. 24 recordings exactly as they went on the air. Performances never before on record. Add this collector's item to your library now. Artie Shaw's broadcast album by RCA Victor. This is the NBC Radio Network.