 J-T-L-L-O! The Jell-O program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with Down in the Alley and Over the Fence. Have you ever noticed how a fine chef will dress up his dishes with a little fancy touch here and there? Well, that isn't wasted effort by a long shot, for a delicious tasting dish should look delicious too, in order to whet your appetite. And believe me, that's where Jell-O really rates. For Jell-O looks so tempting, it makes you hungry just to see it. All six glowing colors lend a striking note of charm to any meal. There's rose-pink raspberry and deep crimson strawberries, bright red cherry and vivid orange, clear golden lemon and sea green lime, all six shimmering with tempting beauty, and all six crammed with extra-rich flavor. A flavor as refreshing as the juicy ripe fruit itself, a flavor that always says more. And so as soon as you can, let's say tomorrow, ask your grocer for Jell-O, America's favorite gelatin dessert. Look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-O and Jell-O spells a treat. That was Down in the Alley and Over the Fence, played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who officially opened the Christmas season last week by leading the Santa Claus Lane Parade down Hollywood Boulevard, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Jell-O again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, I'm glad you brought that up. That procession was really a spectacle. Wallace Beary was in it. Buck Jones, Tom Mix, Gene Autry, Jack Benny. I never saw so many bow legs in one parade. It was...it was really thrilling, wasn't it, Don? So I understand, Jack. I didn't see the parade. I just read about it in the paper. Oh, you didn't get to see it. Oh, oh, oh. Well, Don...Don, you should have been there. Now, I don't want to compare myself with Tom Mix or Gene Autry, but they tell me I look simply marvelous on that big white stallion. One of the finest horses I've ever ridden. Well, Jack, weren't you nervous riding a strange horse for the first time? Oh, no, Don. You see, when I handle a new mount, I, um... I...you say you didn't see the parade, Don. No. Oh, well, perhaps I shouldn't say this, but when I got in that saddle, there wasn't a doubt as to who was the master. I tell you, Don, I gave the crowd a real thrill. Well, Jack, from my experience with horses, I've found the crowd generally excite them, particularly when they're high-strung. Was yours a spirited animal? Spirited? Don, if you had witnessed the parade... which you didn't, did you? No. Well, if you had seen the parade, you would have been proud of me. Yes, sir. I'm sure I would have, Jack. I didn't know you were such a skillful horseman. Do you play polo, too? Polo? Oh, I play added, Don. I wouldn't exactly class myself among the first ten, but I swing that old mallet for many a goal. Is that so? Yes, sir. Now, you take that game last week at the Uplifters Field. Boy, you didn't see that game, did you, Don? Yes, I was there, Jack. Oh, oh, well. Well, it was a great game. I saw it, too. But speaking of horses, Don, even when I was a kid, I...Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Are you in the same old subject, Jack? I was just telling Don about the Christmas parade I led the other night. Did you see it? I sure did. Oh, well, Don, I hope everybody gets here early tonight. We've got an important play to do, and I... Did you see it, Don? Mary, let's not bore Don with any more talk about the parade. I told him all about it. Did you tell him you were riding a stuffed horse? Now, Mary... A stuffed horse? Now, wait a minute, Jack. You mean to say that horse you rode in the parade wasn't a real one? Oh, Don, don't pay any attention to Mary. That horse wasn't a real one. Oh, Don, don't pay any attention to Mary. That horse wasn't any more stuffed than I am. Then why was he on a wooden platform with wheels on it? Well... And why did the other horses ignore him? Look, Mary... And why didn't his head move up and down during the whole parade? Because we made a deal. I was to take the bow. You want to know something, Mary? That horse won a gold cup for jumping. Well, he can't even twitch now. I know he's arguing with you. Ask Andy Devine about that horse, Don. He was in the parade. Oh, Don, I almost forgot to tell you the funniest thing happened. What was it, Mary? Oh, never mind. Right in the middle of the parade, the tail fell off the horse. Jack thought it was his toupee and nearly fainted. Mary, stop dreaming it up. We've got enough other things to do tonight besides rehashing a parade. Now, let's forget it. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Jackson. What's cooking? What's what? What's cooking? What's swinging on the gate, Bob? What's swinging on the gate? Yeah, what's with the gap? What's buzzing? Don't go away, folks. I'll get to the bottom of this right now. Phil, do you mean what were we talking about when you came in? That's it. What's the chatter adding up to? Well, look, Phil, I don't like to hold you down or anything, but we have a pretty intelligent listening audience. I wish you wouldn't throw them off the beam. Can't you come in some time and simply say hello, Jack? What's going on? Sure I could, but it ain't me. Don't fit my character. You and your character. With your character, Phil, you should be wearing button shoes. With cloth tops. And a straw hat with a string on it. And a jazz bow tie. I got the whole outfit. Don't ever wear that jazz bow tie around here. I'll take your chicken and speck your badge away from you. Jazz bow tie. Say, Phil, did you see Jack in the parade the other night? What parade? Now look, Mary. Come on. What about the parade? What happened? Well, according to Mary, Jack was riding his stuffed horse. Don, who are you going to listen to? Your boss or Miss Livingston? And for last time, Mary, that horse was not stuffed. Then why did his stomach light up and say, go to jeans for chili and beans? All right, Mary, all right. Let me ask you something. If that wasn't a real horse, why did I fall off? Your safety belt broke. I wasn't wearing a belt. That's rich, but Benny falls off a stuffed horse. You should talk, Harris. I wish I had a dollar for every time you fell off the bandstand at the Wilshire Bowl. Would I be in the dough? Can I help it if I faint? Phil, when people faint, you throw water on them. That would kill you. You know, I like to start a conversation just once where I didn't get the words. But Jack, you bring it all on yourself. Why do you exaggerate so much? Why, you even told me you played polo. I did not. I said I played at polo. I'm out there all the time. Of course, I'm not as good as Spencer Tracy. That goes for stage, screen, polo, ping-pong, and I haven't even turned the page yet. Well, that's the trouble with Hollywood. A guy wins the Academy Award a couple of times, rather ways better than I am. But that's life, I guess. Oh, Jack, here comes Dennis and his mother's with him. Oh, yes, she must be feeling better. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Who's cooking? Who's cooking? Yeah, what gives out what it gives in? Oh, fine, Mrs. Day, are you going to stand there and let your child talk like Phil Harris? Why not? The kid's jiving. Well, it's all right with you. There's nothing I can do about it. Oh, Mrs. Day, Dennis told me last week that my Thanksgiving dinner upset you a little. Yes, but I'm feeling much better now. Well, I'm glad to hear that, but it really couldn't have been the food. Is he nobody else got sick? Nobody else got a Mickey. I didn't give her a Mickey. I merely discussed it. That's all. A Mickey? What's that? A Mickey, Mrs. Day, is an internal hot foot. You know, a sort of a liquid blackjack. Now, Dennis. Yes, please. Uh, have you got a song already for us? I sure have, Mr. Benny. Well, go ahead. Let's hear it. Hold it a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes. I thought that horse you rode in the parade the other night was a beautiful animal. You did? Yes, especially south of the border, which was me. Goodbye. Oh, he's everywhere. Sing, Dennis. At the end of a day In a dream that's divine There is a rapture in blue With a world far away And your lips close to mine And so you give May they still be the same For as long as we live Of my breath When the twilight is gone And no songbird is singing When the twilight is gone I'm longing May they still be the same For as long as we live That was my prayer sung by Dennis Day. And very good, Dennis. That was one of your best songs. You did it beautifully. Gee, thanks. It was a grand job. In fact, you sang much better than you did last week. What was the matter with last week? Nothing was the matter with last week. I simply said he sang better today. Oh, then you mean Dennis is not consistent? I mean nothing of the kind. All I mean is that everybody can improve. Even Bing Crosby is better now than he used to be. Well, if you like Crosby so much, why don't you get him? Mrs. Day, don't be fooled by the way Crosby dresses. He doesn't work for peanuts. Those patches on his pants are baby bonds. Boy, what a woman. It's your own fault, Jack. Why do you always stick your neck out? I didn't stick my neck out. I'm the master of ceremonies, so when Dennis finished the song, I said it was very good. And Mrs. Day started an argument, and I answered it. Well, Jack, there's an old Chinese proverb that says, when man argue with woman, man have two strikes before he open mouth. Oh. When open mouth, starite three. That was a very clever Ming toy, but not quite true. I think Miss Livingston is absolutely right. Oh, you do. Well, there's another Chinese proverb, Mrs. Day, that goes something like this. When mama walk around with chip on shoulder, goodbye, Mr. Chip and mama. That's just a little hinty. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Say, Jack, speaking of Chinese proverbs, I just thought of a good one myself. You did dance that he with a sly look in his almond eyes? What is it? When honorable customer ask esteemed grocery man for tempting an economical dessert, him sure get jello, but flavor up to honorable customer. Oh, well, tell us what the flavors are, sing fat. If humble servant, not too bold. Yes, most gracious one. Jello comes six delicious flavors. Fungao, Fungao, Chongyao, Yungao, Lumpai, and Lime. Where? So look for the big red letters on the Yungao, Fuchao, Hung Lee, Ching. My goodness, the word for box is a longy, isn't it? And now, ladies and gentlemen, going from Confucius to the Ridiculous, tonight for our feature attraction, the Benny we can stand at a few can players will present their annual football classic. A mystery mellodrama entitled Murder on the Gridiron, or he had ten yards to go when he went. Now, once again, I will play the part of Flash Benny, the famous coach for dear old Flatfoot. Now, Phil, you're going to be the... Why can't I be the coach? I know more about football than you do. What are you talking about? When I was a kid, I was the star quarterback for Waukegan High. Boy, was I fast. I used to kick the ball, carry the ball, and throw the ball. Throw the what? Throw the ball. You are the best. There was hot stuff in those days. I remember once I ran 95 yards for a touchdown. Your legs didn't buckle in. No buckled out. Anyway, getting back to our football play, Phil, you're going to be right in. Dennis, you're going to be left in. And Don... Yes, Jack. You're going to be right guard, left guard, center, and a fraternity house. So much for the line. Now, in the... Am I going to be on the team again this year, Jack? Yes, Mary. We're short of men. You'll have to be one of the players. Now, here's your equipment. Put it on. Okay. Oh, Jack, do men wear these? Put them on those shoulder pads. Now, let's see. We're still short of men here. We need one more in the backfield. I'll be glad to help you all, Mr. Benny. Thank you, Mrs. Day. And now, ladies and gentlemen, to make our play as legitimate as possible, I have gone to a great deal of trouble and expense to hire a real football player. That former star fullback of the Hermosa Beach grunnions. None other than Mr. Dynamite Dugan. And here he is, folks, in person. Well, did you hear that dynamite? That applause was for you. Thanks, everybody. I appreciate that spontaneous ovation. Yes, sir. Now, tell me, Mr. Dugan, how long has it since you played in a game? Well, the last time I participated in a football contest was when we encountered Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute during the Philadelphia Sesquicentennial. Oh. However, in the intervening space of time, I ain't done nothing. I see. Hey, Jackson, this guy knows a lot of big words. I'd like to meet him. It wouldn't hurt you, Annie. Dynamite, this is Phil Harris, our orchestra leader. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Harris. Permit me to felicitate you on your Philharmonic aggregation. Well, thanks, Bob. It's sure gratifying to meet a man of your intellect and mental fortitude. Why, Phil? That's top of the made, Jackson. It certainly is. I know more words than Noah and Webster put together. That's one man, Noah Webster. He wrote the dictionary. No kidding. I was under the impersonation. It was two different guys. Under the impersonation. Oh, brother, one thing about you, Phil. When you go haywire, you go all the way through. Impersonation comes from the word impersonator, and an impersonator is a mimic. And a mimic is a man with no blood. Mary, stop with those old jokes. What is this? A medicine show? All we need is some snake oil. Need? There are eight bottles in the orchestra. And now, Phil, we're ready for a number. Hey, what happened to me? Oh. Oh, pardon me, dynamite. We digress momentarily. Now, our play tonight, Mr. Dugan, besides being a football drama, is also a murder mystery. And you're the guy that's going to get bumped off. You mean on the corpus delectae? Exactly. Say, Jack, who's going to be the murderer? That, Don, I cannot divulge. It may be one of us. It may be somebody sitting in our audience. And then again, it may be... This will go on immediately after the next number. Play, Phil. Isn't it thrilling, folks? It was in my merry Oldsmobile played by the orchestra, an old number which finally reached Harris. Phil's got a harp in his orchestra tonight. Now I've seen everything. I can quit radio. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our football mystery, murder on the gridiron, or that ain't ketchup on the grass. Now the, uh... Now the locale of our play is Flatfoot College, located in the thriving little town of East Bunyan, Indiana. As the scene opens, the first half has just ended in the annual game with Meatball Tech. And Coach Flashbenny is giving his team a pep talk in the locker room. Curtain, music. Now listen, men, you're playing like a bunch of nitwits. What's the matter with you guys anyway? On this next half, I want you to go out and fight. Flatfoot can win. I know we're going to win. Then why did you bet on Meatball? Them odds were terrific. Now look, fellas, this isn't a picnic. It's a football game. Well, I'm ashamed of the way you've been playing. What are you talking about, Coach? We scored 97 points in the first half. Sure, but Meatball scored 103. The way they've been crossing our goal line, you think we were giving away a Plymouth? My goodness. What are we giving away? Quiet. And you, Harris, why don't you snap in here? You've been playing like a sissy all afternoon. Sissy, I got my arm broke, didn't I? That was last night when you fell off the bandstand. Call yourself a football player. And you, Butch. What is it, Coach? Every time you get the ball, you just stand there. Why don't you run with it? Oh, who would chase me? Well, run and find out. Now, listen, fellas, we can win this game if you guys can only just put a little pep into it. A little fight, a little spirit. Hey, Roach. That's Coach. What do you want? If that wasn't a stuffed horse, why did he have glass eyes? Forget about that, Roach. Now, listen, fellas, we got to stop this fool around. I'm going in myself this half and play quarterback in place of who was playing quarterback. We didn't have any. No quarterback? And how'd you get signals? We built fires like Indians. Oh, then I owe you all an apology. I thought you were holding a weenie bake out there. Now, dynamite, I want you to carry the ball in every play. It's our only chance to win. But, gee, Coach, I'm afraid you saw that letter that said I was going to be bumped off. Oh, stop worrying. You didn't say positively. Now, come on, fellas. Let's go out there and fight, fight, fight. What's that? Look, Coach, somebody threw a brick through the window. And there's a note on it addressed to dynamite, Dugan. Give me that. Hmm. It says, my dear dynamite, if you play in the last half of this game, you will be bumped off. Sign positively. I guess they mean business. That sounds bad, Coach. I'm scared. Well, it's too late to do anything now, dynamite. You just got to go out there and take a chance. Yeah, maybe he'll win the Flemish. Oh, forget that. Now, come on, man. We're going out in that field. And remember, we're going to win this game for dear old Flatfoot, or I'll know the reason why. I'll tell you now we're lousy. All right. Snap into it, man. Come on. Let's go. Well, here we are, folks. The second half is about to begin. Meatball is already on the field. And here comes the Flatfoot team, led by their coach, Flash Benny. Listen to those cheers, folks. 80,000 people are gathered here today to witness this thrilling football game and the murder of dynamite Dugan. How do you know? I'm getting out of here. Take it easy, dynamite. Take it easy. There's nothing to be scared of. You see, they missed you. Now, follow me, dynamite, but not too close. Come on. Come on, line up, men. I'll kick the ball. There's the whistle, folks. The teams are lining up, and Flatfoot is about to kick off the meatball. Flash Benny is running towards the ball, and there's the kick. Oh, I can still boot him, eh, Libby? Look at that pigskin sail. Where? Way up there. That's a good-eared blimp. Well, I'll be darned. Flash Benny missed the ball, folks. The old boy's eyes are bad. They are not. I haven't got my glasses. You've got them on, but you can't see them. Oh, yes. They're lining up again, folks. Benny is trying once more, and there's the kick. It's a beauty, folks. Meatball receives the ball on the ten-yard line. Uh-oh, it's a fumble, and Flatfoot recovers. There's another fumble, and Meatball recovers. There's another fumble, and Flatfoot recovers. Meatball, Flatfoot, Meatball, Flatfoot. The ball's loose again. I told them they should have killed that pig. Now, listen, men. This is the break we've been waiting for. We got the ball on their one-yard line, and besides, the wind is with us. One yard to go, I'll carry the ball. Pretty long trip for you, ain't it, Bob? Don't get smart. I'll make it. Signal. One, three, seven, nine. I'll take that ball and crash their line. There's the play. Benny has the ball, and what's this? They're pushing him back. Back five yards, ten yards, 20 yards, 30, 40, 50. Hey, wait a minute. I get off at 47th Street. Hey, what's the matter with you guys anyway? Don't I get any interference? I only had one yard to make, and now look where I am. Well, don't blame us, Flash. We opened a big hole for you. Why didn't you go through? The wind chain. I'm only human. All right, dynamite, it's up to you. In this next play, I'll throw you a forward pass and you run for a touchdown. But, gee, Flash, suppose I get killed. Then drop the ball. You can't take it with you. Sure, don't worry. All right, men. Signal. Nine, seven, four, six. If a man answers, hang up quick. The ball is left to Benny. He throws a forward pass to dynamite Dugan. Dynamite is running down the field. He's headed for a touchdown. Services at noon Wednesday. Run, dynamite, run. You only got 30 yards to go. Don't let that scare you, dynamite. Keep going. You're gonna make it, dynamite. Run, run. Dynamite. Dynamite, speak to me. Who shot you? Who did it? Tell me, dynamite, who did it? My assassination was conceived and executed by... You shorter words, you'll never make it. I was shot by... Good heavens, he's dead. This will be continued next Sunday night. Who killed dynamite Dugan? Was it an inside job? Will the murderer be discovered? Will Jack give me a Christmas present? Tune in next Sunday night and find out. The favorite dessert of our forefathers was hasty pudding, so-called, because of the ease and speed with which it could be made. But today it's been replaced in busy kitchens by an even tastier pudding. Yes, I mean the new Jell-O puddings. These rich tempting desserts may look fancy, but they really take just a few brief minutes to make. They're easy and simple to prepare, and they taste so swell that all over the country, folks are changing to Jell-O puddings and reveling in their smooth, creamy goodness. Because each of these grand desserts is a real triumph of taste. For example, try Jell-O chocolate pudding, a swell old-timer that tastes even better made this modern way. Or Jell-O butterscotch with its mellow golden flavor. Or Jell-O vanilla pudding, always delicate and delicious, and doubly so with fruits, nuts, dates, or marshmallows folded in. All three can be made quick as a wink, and you'll never find any pudding the family likes better. So why not do as many folks are doing today, serve Jell-O puddings real often, and when you make out your grocery list for tomorrow, be sure to write down Jell-O chocolate, vanilla, and butterscotch puddings. We're a little late, so good night, folks. This is the National Broadcasting Company.