 Hi and welcome to our video channel. We're Rivka and Shlomo of The Marriage Restoration Project.com. We are bringing to you our very first video blog. We have a podcast called Can This Marriage Be Saved? And we decided that it would be really fun to talk to you guys on video while doing our podcast episodes. So if you're watching us on video, hello, and be sure to subscribe to our channel so you get notified of upcoming videos that we release. If you prefer to listen through audio, be sure to check out the Can This Marriage Be Saved? podcast. And now for today's topic, we want to talk about why communication stinks. Why is it so difficult? What are people doing wrong with communicating? Because as you probably know, which is why you're here, you're looking to improve your communication at home. So you know by now that it's really critical to have communication go well at home because otherwise everything ends up into a fight. Everything ends up being bickered about and just constant negativity. And so it's really important for you to learn how to shift the energy. So Shlomo is our marriage counselor and relationship expert. So we'd love to hear from you about what are couples doing wrong with communicating and what can they do to fix it? Sure. Communication is something that I would say that every couple, no matter what their needs are, no matter how big the crisis is, there's always a communication issue. Because the communication issue really is symbolic of the relationship as a whole because communication is the way that we interact with another person. Unless you can read someone's mind or their heart. Usually the only way to really understand what's going on and interact with another is through communication, whether verbal communication or even nonverbal. If you have a scowl on your face, your spouse is going to tell you how you feel. Or like, yeah, when is this conversation going to be over? You're talking about body language. Yeah, I mean, that's another form of communication expressing. So you have to work on your communication. We have to understand why the communication is challenged. And so it's a holistic approach. It's not just some type of little technique that you learn to fix communication. It really addresses everything. It's the quickest way to really deal with the core of the relationship. So you're saying that communication is not just about techniques or ways of talking. It's actually indicative of the core of the relationship. Of the relationship, the health of the relationship, of the safety that you feel with your partner. Because if you don't feel safe, then you express that in either not talking or talking in a certain way or a critical way or not feeling open or nonverbals that you show. So if you can feel safe, if you can feel connected, then the communication is going to come across the way you interact will be different. Conversely, if you change the way you communicate, you change your brain, you change the way that you interact. And then that also has a, you can get it, go from either end. Wow. So this sounds actually like a huge concept. Really meaningful because am I hearing right that what you're saying is if you change the safety of your relationship, the communication will change. Or if you change the communication of your relationship, you will feel more safe. So which comes first like the chicken or the egg? Right. So the, you know, I find the easiest way with couples is teaching them a different way to communicate putting an artificial structure that can slow the brain down. They can get the brain out of that reactive state, out of that triggered state into a more frontal lobe and into a more conscious and intentional state. And when you do that, the body, you change the whole physiology. When you change the brain, you change the way the body feels, you change your emotions and you're much more able to engage in a productive way. So I find that the easiest ways you change, you know, change the brain by changing the way you communicate, by slowing things down and putting that, you know, artificial structure, not like the typical way that we back and forth and very quick. Running from room to room. Yeah, just really to slow down intentional way. And as you change the brain, you change the way you feel with each other and you come up with a whole different type of relationship. Wow. Who knew that there was a brain connection to your communication guys? I hope that you're writing this down because that's actually a huge aha moment. And we should have another video talking about the brain and we will in another episode. Shlomo, tell us what are, let's say, four mistakes that you see people making in communication? Sure. So I mean, one mistake I think if you could master this change half of the interactions will be different is finding the right time or the mistake is that we don't have the right time. So you can use common sense if your spouse is coming in from a long day of work and they're hungry, tired and hungry, you know, you just start brought, you know, dumping on them the minute they open the door. Honey, I have a whole list of things for you to fix. Or at least that's better than other things. Honey, I'm done with the kids. It's your turn. So that's probably not a good thing or to confront them with something they did. Probably not a good idea. I'm really mad at you because you did this today. You didn't call me and you came home late and why'd you come home late? Probably not smart. How do you think your spouse is going to react at that moment? They're going to be caught off guard and they're going to go right into defensive mode. So you have to think a little bit about what's the intention of your interchange. You just want to dump on your spouse. You want to make them feel bad and want to punish them. There may be a part of that there, a little bit of anger, but it's more about I'm not happy with what happened. I want a change. I want to see something different. It's hard at the end of the day, though. You know, if you're home with the kids and you're waiting for your spouse to come home and you're kind of mentally done, how can you sort of do that at the end of the day? Life is about becoming being intentional and being in relationship is about acknowledging that there is someone else in this relationship other than you. And that all because you feel a certain way, you need to have a little bit more intentional in thinking about how is this going to impact the other person? Are they available? And from a selfish perspective, is it going to get me my results? So you mean you can't just lash out at someone whenever you want to? No, I'm sorry. Coming from a very highly reactive home, that was a huge new concept for me when we first got married 20 years ago. And you can read more about our story at themarriagerestorationproject.com. But that was one of my very first learning experiences in our beginning years. Like, oh, I can't just talk to this person because I'm mad at them the way I want to and blame them and yell at them. Like, oh, what a concept. Anyway, it's not to interrupt you. So if you want to get the results, again, think about it. If you want the results, if you want someone, again, you don't want to put them on the defensive. You want them to be receptive because let's say you want them to change. I don't like that you come home late every day from work or I don't like that you don't help me with the kids. So I can yell at you and that can make me feel a little bit better and let out some steam, but it's not going to get you to change. So the best way to get you to change is to actually be able to listen and be receptive as opposed to be defensive. So checking is now a good time. Are you available? I'd like to talk to you about something. And that can diffuse or prevent, I would say, 50% of blocks that people have. That doesn't sound too hard. It's not that hard. And you get yourself in the habit of doing it so that you call someone on the phone. Are you available right now? I have a question to ask you. I could see that it might be hard when you're in the fit of anger or in the moment of feeling angry and you want to dumb. And that would be a good time to what? Breathe? Take a break. Yeah, take a break. I mean, it's definitely harder for the person who's the more of a called health swarm. The person who's like a little bit more emotional and has a hard time holding back. It's definitely a challenge, but it's also going to be a challenge for the other person who would rather than ever talk. They need to make a time as well. At some point, they need to grant you a time. So if you say like, I'd like to talk about such and such topic. Are you available? I could say no, but I need to reschedule it preferably within 24 hours. If not sometime within the near future, because that's not something I want. I don't want to have that conversation. But you're making the stretch to ask me to be available and then I need to. And I think that most couples could have difficult conversations if they were in the right frame of mind and could really sit down and focus on it. Most of the problems happen when they get caught off guard, where they're not expecting it when they're not really fully present and ready to be able to hear what their spouse has to say. So this is step one in communication pick falls and mistakes is find a good time. Make sure it's a good time to talk. And if that seems really hard for you, know that there is going to be an ultimate side benefit, which is your partner will be more receptive to actually making changes when they're available to hear you. So it's worth it to stretch and grow and be able to hold back and make sure it's a good time. Instead of dumping because your partner will be more receptive to hear you and ultimately maybe it will change. Maybe not, but it's a possibility. What would you say another step would be? So another step would be is the love. Another problem in relationships is the negative criticism, the shaming and blaming that goes on. It's kind of ties hand and hand with us. We were saying about finding the right time to share. And you really want to just criticize or do you want? Is there a need that you have? If you, if you talk, it's so we're talking about the first step was finding the right time. The second step is talking in the right way. Is my spouse going to be receptive to criticism, shame or money? So for example, if I say like, you don't care about me, you never spend time with me. I'm not important to you. You know, how do you hear that? Well, automatically, I want to defend myself. Yes, you do. I want to defend myself or you don't either. Whereas if I could say, you know, I really want to spend time with you. I really like enjoy your company. I would like to figure out a way we can do that together. Sure. Yeah, I want to spend time with you too. You have the complete opposite answer just by changing the way you talk about it. So when you think about what you're frustrated about, when you think about the criticism, the things that you don't like, what is it that you want? So like, what is it that I want? Flip it around. What is the unmet need? So instead of saying, why didn't you do that? Why did you do that? No, I wouldn't say why. I would not. No, not. You know, we're saying instead of saying something like that, blaming. Yeah, you would say, I want, I would like you to do such and such. Or I really, or think to myself, I really wanted Shlomo to fix that broken thing. And instead of accusing him, what could I maybe say? Can you, you know, can you help me? This thing's broken and I really could use your help. What do you suggest we do? Much better. You know, you didn't fix it and what's wrong with you. And I told you for two weeks already and our water bill is so hot and whatever it is. It doesn't motivate a person. Look, you have some type of people that are just like, okay, I want you to get you off my back. So I'm just going to do it begrudgingly because like, I don't want any tension. You have people that do that. I'm one of them sometimes. But in general, you don't want to, you don't want to reign by force. You want to be able to have a person, your spouse, join you and want to help you. And you can use it with the kids too. You know, instead of saying to your kid, why did you do that? Which is going to make them feel defensive and maybe why? Because they're afraid of your response or your reaction. Right. So it would be good to learn how to communicate in this way with no shame and no blame, which is what we teach couples. It's really the premise of all of our programs, especially our in-person work, our on-site work. Everything is how to learn, no blame, no shame. Because that's really everything. Yeah, because again, you're making the person feel bad. You're making them defensive. You're putting them on the defensive and you're not going to get what you want. So treat them in a respectful way. Talk to them about what you need or share what you're feeling. Use eye statements. So you can have a, nobody can argue with your feelings. If you, you know, if I say like, I'm upset about this, well, yeah, you're upset about this. I can't say you're not upset about this when you are. But if, if you want to argue about the details, like you didn't call me last night. Well, maybe I did call you. Your phone was busy. You can have an answer for everything. So you're saying when you really connect to what the need is, what you really need, you can't argue with that. So I need you to fix this. Or your emotional reaction to what the other person feels. So again, it's stop focusing on the other person and what they're doing wrong. Focus on yourself. What do I need? What do I feel? And when you do that, it is going to create a more receptive partner who can actually listen to you. And when they can listen to you, they're much more likely to be able to meet your needs. So like back to the sync example, could I say, you know, I really feel nervous and uncared for, and like I have to figure everything out myself when I see the sync not fixed for weeks at a time. And my need is I really know about myself that I need to feel cared for and not like overwhelmed that I have to figure out everything myself. Would that be an okay way to show it? Yeah. And I don't have to. And if you feel uncared for, that's what you're feeling. I can't say you're not really feeling uncared for your feelings. That's like, you can't argue with someone's feelings. You can argue with the facts. You can argue with what happened. And then you get into the whole season. He said, he said, she said, but you can't argue with someone's feelings. So step two is really learn, no blame, no shame communication. We have a process and a methodology that we use to teach couples. It works amazingly. It's actually what saved our own marriage. When we went to a therapist in a mogul relationship, therapist 20 years ago, thank God we found him. And 20 years later, we're still here to tell the tale, but learn, no blame, no shame communication. And this step really helps. No blame, no shame communication. And this step really get in touch with, what is the need under your complaint? What are you complaining about? And why really, before you lash out, thanked for a minute, like, why does this feel so pressing right now and connect inside of yourself to what the deeper emotion or need is like she's almost saying. And then the side benefit is your partner will be able to hear you much better. Great. I'm going to get you what you want. Hopefully. You have a better chance. Yeah. So it's kind of dovetailing to that. It's just overall environment of negativity in a relationship is really bad for communication because if you're not feeling good about each other, if every interaction is negative, then you're not going to be able to communicate effectively either. You're not going to even talk, maybe even talk to each other. So you want to work on, even though it's not necessarily with the communication per se, you want to work on creating a more positive environment in the relationship. Because when things are good in the relationship, then you're able to see more good. You know, when you're feeling negative, you notice everything that's wrong. Every flaw. Oh, you left your socks on the floor. You left your coffee mug by the bed. You didn't put it in the sink. Another thing you did, another thing you did, it just comes down. It's a spiral negativity. Whereas if you're feeling good, so it's like, okay, I didn't notice that. And I don't notice the bad things. When I'm in a bad mood, then everything's wrong with the relationship. Is it true also that our brains are wired to see things that are negative due to our survival? Right. Yeah. So we are looking in our most basic goal is to stay alive. So anything that threatens that, anything that feels danger. So we're kind of hypersensitive to looking at the negative. So we really have to make an intentional effort to be more positive. It's not just something that comes natural. Now some people go up in homes that are like more positive or some that are more negative. But in general as human beings, we're going to be more, it's going to be much easier. That's going to be our default to look for the negative because this is threatening like, I'm not getting my needs met. And like another thing you're doing wrong, another thing you're doing wrong. I got to protect myself from you. So we need to make an intentional effort to make more positive. So that means noticing what's going on, sharing appreciations, which we talk a lot about in our programs, like spending a few minutes each day, just sharing something you like about your spouse or something good they did. Just get you in the mode of looking for the good things. So this is really the opportunity for you to create an environment of your home that you want it to be. And most of you out there, you don't want a home environment that's constant fighting, that's constant yelling and shaming. It's horrible for the kids. It's the home that I grew up in. We know it's bad, but sometimes we just don't know how to shift it. And that's why we really recommend you getting in touch with us to learn how to help your home environment. But you've got to learn to transform especially if you have an environment of constant nagging, criticism, negativity. Negativity is really a killer and there's only so much that a person can take until they snap. It's just not possible for someone. Snap or they just like disconnect and become apathetic. It's like a bank account. You can't keep overdrafting your bank account having zero money in there because you constantly withdraw, withdraw, withdraw. You've got to start making deposits of positive infusions in your relationship. Exactly. So keep it more positive and then you'll see that it'll be easier to communicate even with whatever skills you already do have. It'll be lighter, it'll be more productive and you won't just feel this negative energy permeating the air. Yeah, and this is really going to be a shout-out and a wake-up call to you that if your home environment again is one of constant negativity you've got to make a change now because it's only a matter of time until people really suffer in the home from the constant assault of negativity. And then finally, another to rhyme, are you all right now? Negativity, reactivity. Reactivity is goes hand in hand with negativity but specifically in conversation and communication it's a really big problem because reactivity is what makes it really difficult for us to communicate and what makes your communication really bad because when you share something with your spouse and they react then you don't feel, besides the fact that you don't get the problem resolved you don't feel heard, you don't feel validated it doesn't encourage you to share because you feel like well whenever I bring up something you're just going to discount my feelings anyway so I might as well not share with you at all so if you're in a relationship where you feel like your spouse doesn't want to open up think about your reactivity how do you respond? I was working with some of the other day they were saying you know, I bit, I used to bite his head off when he would talk so he just doesn't talk anymore so that's case in point that reactivity discourages the other person doesn't make it feel safe because if I don't think I can talk if I can't get a word in edgewise if I feel like there's going to be a reaction it's better not to say a thing so how do you work in the reactivity? so in our programs we teach a very specific method how to be able to really listen and respond without reactivity but the simplest thing to do is when the other person is talking don't say a thing don't interject yourself don't respond, don't respond don't be silent we teach couples how to mirror back and repeat back what they said and the whole process but at the very least don't say anything they're expressing their feelings look like you're intent like you're curious you wouldn't hear what they have to say and don't talk don't respond that's going to be hard for some of you harder than some of you that are much more verbal and more emotional but again it all goes together with creating that environment that you want having your spouse more participatory with you and more, you know interested in engaging with you because if you're someone who's going to constantly react you're not it's not so fun to be around you and don't respond doesn't mean just don't talk it means no eye rolling or anything like that like you can be sitting there and going like you know it's like don't show that you're react don't show a reaction so yeah and if you're not comfortable being silent definitely get in touch with us through our website about I want to learn the five step process I want to learn the real process for communicating that's no blame, no shame so I don't have to just be silent and let us know you watch this video so we'll know what you mean but yeah I mean being silent is better than yelling back and being reactive or defending yourself or explaining yeah well that is a lot of insight into communication why it can go so south why it's so critical to get it right and we hope that these four tips will give you some insight and some real actionable tips to be able to shift the energy right now in all of your relationships it was a pleasure talking with you we can't wait to do the next video podcast episode of can this marriage be saved please comment let us know what you thought of this video your comments will help our videos get seen and shown to more people so it's really important to have that commenting liking clicking the bell notification so we can get the word out to more to improve things at home we are really excited to create the next episode if you would like to put in comments also some topics you'd like us to talk about topics we're happy to address yeah we love answering questions and we'll have some free resources for you in the comment section under this video namely our free guide the 60 second action plan to a happy and healthy marriage that's the first step introduction to our work to get to know us a little bit and then beyond that you can always contact us and apply to work with us in person at one of our destination retreats in beautiful tropical places or just around the United States around the corner in your backyard yeah we might have someone who can work with you to teach you also the no-blame motion process so we look forward to seeing you again be sure to like and hit the bell notifications take care take care