 All right, so you go out on a date with a guy or maybe it's a few different dates and things seem to be going really well, right? There's a strong chemistry between you. You feel like he's really into you. You are definitely really into him. Maybe things got a little heavy. Maybe you guys started kissing or maybe things got even further. Maybe they didn't. You know, who knows? Maybe you just really, really like this guy and then all of a sudden it's like, boom, he goes cold. Maybe he disappears completely or maybe he starts to fade away. So what happened and what can you do about it? My name is Matthew Coast and welcome to Commitment Connection. If this is your first time to our channel, make sure that you go down and hit the subscribe button so you don't miss any of our videos. Today I'm gonna be talking about four reasons why men come on strong and then disappear and what to do about it. So first I'm gonna go over the four reasons and then I'm gonna talk about ways to kind of prevent this from happening in the future and also a way on what to do when he comes back if he does come back and you want to continue seeing him or you want to open the possibility of continuing to see him or if you just kind of wanna know what happened. And so if you're with us right now, make sure that you say hi in the comments section. I love it when people say hi. Hi Kelly, Kathy. Hey everybody, say hi. Say hi if you're here with us. I love that kind of stuff. All right, so what are the reasons? What are the reasons why men come on strong then disappear? The first one is that he didn't think that you were actually all that interested in him. So one of the things that I've been talking about a lot recently on this channel is this idea of attainability, right? Guys do not want to be put into the friend zone. And so if a guy thinks that you're kind of cold to him or you're not really interested in him and he might end up landing in the friend zone, a lot of times he won't end up pursuing you, right? And so the reason that this happens, the main reason that this happens is that you don't show enough interest in him, right? There's a lot of kind of books out there and programs out there that talk about kind of showing disinterest to a guy and trying to pretend like you're not really into him when you really are. And that works only if you're coming from a space of really strong desperation and you're like just grasping onto a guy, right? It doesn't work if you're a kind of strong and confident and you're in kind of this place where you feel your value and all that kind of stuff. If you don't show interest in a guy and you're in that space, the likelihood is that he's not going to pursue anything further with you because he doesn't think that you're interested in him. Or the other reason why this actually happens is because you do something like you set up a boundary or you kind of say no to him or give him kind of like a soft rejection. And instead of him interpreting it as a soft rejection, he interprets it as a hard rejection. So just a quick recap, there's soft rejections and hard rejections. Soft rejections are like, no, no, no, like not yet, not yet, right? Like it's something that I want, but it's something that I don't want right now. And a hard rejection is like, no, I'm not interested. I don't like you get away from me. Well, a lot of times guys will interpret things that are supposed to be soft rejections as hard rejections. And if he interprets it as a hard rejection and he's not a really aggressive guy, a lot of times he might just totally stop, right? And so if there's something that you're doing, and we'll talk about this a little bit later, but if you're rejecting a guy or you're setting a boundary, you have to do it in a way that you communicate to him and a way that makes sense to him that it's not a hard rejection and you want him to continue kind of pursuing you and chasing you and investing in you. So that's number one, number one. He didn't think you were actually all that interested in him. Number two is that he's feeling really strong in the moment and he gets caught up in how he feels, right? So a lot of times women kind of put this thing over like this layer over men where they kind of look at them as these beings that don't have a whole lot of emotion. Well, men, everybody's driven by emotion. That's the reality of everything, right? We're all driven by emotion. We do things because of emotion. Half the things that exist on the planet wouldn't exist if men weren't really emotional about things. And so men can get caught up in their emotions just like women can, right? Like, have you ever bought something where later on you're like, oh man, I shouldn't have bought that, right? Like I don't know what I was thinking. Well, a lot of times what happens with men is we have these biological urges inside of us, right? Like these primal, sexual, biological urges. We meet a girl, there's this chemistry, there's this stuff going on and we like get all caught up into it. And some guys take it just way to the extreme. The next thing they're like promising, like traveling around the world with some woman or spending lots of money trying to prove to her that he's a suitable mate. He's a suitable person for her to be with, right? It's kind of like the peacock showing the peacock's feathers, right? He's trying to impress you and show you how amazing he is. Well, sometimes guys do this too much, right? They'll do it so far to an extent where they feel like they can't even recover from it, right? They put themselves in this bad frame. And if you want to know more about frames, I talk about him in my love frames toolkit, right? Frames are like this thing. It's the underlying interaction between a man and a woman, right? And if a guy creates this frame where he's constantly trying to impress you and he's showing you, you know, how much money he has and all these other things. And he's not really that person that he's pretending he is because he's getting so caught up or he's not, he goes, here's another thing that ends up happening is he'll go home and you'll start to realize that it's like a sobering up moment, right? And all of his, you know, the excitement, the lust, all this stuff kind of drove him like to just be all over you. And then he gets home and he kind of has this sobering moment and all of his internal limiting beliefs start coming up, right? Guys have internal problems, internal like mental emotional issues, just like a lot of women have, right? They have insecurities, they have confidence issues, they have feelings like they're not worthy and they're not good enough to have a woman or the relationship that they want to have. And a lot of times those things can end up making him sabotage his ability to get into the relationship that he wants with the woman that he wants. And then he goes home and he just starts doing things that sabotage it like not contacting you back and not pursuing other things with you or whatever. So those are two different ways that that can happen. Is everybody understanding what's going on here? If you're here and you get what I'm talking about, just say I get ya in the comments section and we will talk about it a little bit. We'll talk more about these different things. And if you have a question, if you have a question about something, make sure that you post the question in the comments section and I'll go over all of the questions at the end of it. All right, so let's go over number three. So number three is something I like to call, he's just testing the waters, right? So one of the things that ends up happening is that guys sometimes will just go out on lots of dates, right? They'll go out and just date lots of different women, kind of learn about different women, learn about the different processes. See kind of what kinds of women he likes and he doesn't like and go out on dates that he might normally not even go out on but he's doing it for kind of the experience and to learn about it. And there's something that kind of caught his attention and he's not really going out with a serious intent to get into any kind of serious committed relationship, right? And so what ends up happening with this is that this guy will go out and he'll end up hanging out with a woman and he will end up, you know, maybe sparks fly, maybe he comes on strong but he's not really serious about anything and he's just hanging out and dating and this is something that happens sometimes with guys over, can be a period of years, right? Sometimes guys go through this over a period of years and it's not just guys, whenever I'm talking about actually all of these things, it happens on both sides of the spectrum, right? Men and women do this. And, you know, this is something that a lot of guys do because they enjoy the process of going out on dates and meeting people, you know, like what we just talked about a minute ago, men are emotional, right? We have needs and things that we need to get out of relationships, right? That's one of the things we talk about with the whole friend with benefits thing and kind of the spectrum on which you should be progressing forward with a man, right? Because men have emotional needs and sometimes you'll get those needs taken care of by going out on dates and getting that kind of feminine presence around him, maybe he's getting compliments from you, maybe he's feeling worthy and valuable by being around you and then he leaves and, you know, he's not really serious about getting into a relationship or even really dating or anything at all other than just experiencing some of those emotions. So that's number three. And number four is he's not as into you as you are into him, right? And this is a common thing that happens all the time. I hear a lot of women complain about this and we have a bunch of different ways to kind of combat this, but one of the things that happens is that, you know, they'll end up getting, like a woman will go out on a date with a guy and I hear this from women in our community all the time and she is really like hot and heavy about him but he wasn't quite as interested as she was, right? But she misinterpreted it as this deep connection between the two of them, right? And she'll say things to him like, oh my God, I feel like we're so connected, right? And he's like, yeah, yeah, we're real connected. Yeah, this is real interesting. And she kind of ignores his responses and she's just like so into him that she feels that and, you know, it doesn't really go anywhere, right? Because it's just a, it's not real depth. It's not real depth. There's no real depth there. He's not really interested. It's kind of a one-sided connection that you have. And so let's talk a little bit about how to kind of combat these different things here, right? So if you're getting what I'm saying here, make sure that you say in the comments that you understand what I'm saying. If you don't understand what I'm talking about here, just ask a question. We'll talk about it in a little bit. So depth, right? That's a huge thing, right? There's a lot of times, you know, that's one of the big problems here that we have is this depth thing, right? And so what ends up happening is there's just this kind of superficial relationship and there's not really anything that's special there. And so what can we do to change things around to flip the script to, you know, the first thing we're gonna talk about is what to do if you go out on a date or you're going out on a couple of dates and a guy is coming on like just really, really strong. You know, what can you do about that if you like this guy and you want and you don't want him to end up disappearing, which, you know, there's a good possibility, especially if he's coming on really strong, right? There's a good possibility that it'll just blow up and disappear. What do you do? The first thing that you do is you slow him down and you sober him up, right? So earlier I talked about this whole idea where he comes on really strong and he's like caught up in these emotions and he's just really experiencing all these emotions and he goes out on this date, right? And he's experiencing it and then he goes home and it kind of sobers up and he's like, you know, like I just did all this stuff and I said all these things and I made all these promises and I talked all about all this stuff, right? The first thing you wanna do is sober him up while he's there, right? Because if you sober him up while he's there, you're pulling him out of that emotion. And, you know, we talk about kind of triggering that emotion sometimes because it can be really, really powerful but it's even more powerful if he's in that emotion, you pull him out and then you give him a real reason, like a real reason to be in that emotion, something that's not superficial, that's not, that actually will last. And so how do you do that? The first way to do it is, especially if you don't really, this is for like, if you're not deep in a relationship yet, right? You just kind of met this guy, maybe you've gone on a couple of dates with him. The first thing to do, the first way to do it is to say this. What you say is, we don't, you know, he's coming on really, really strong. You say, we don't even really know each other that well yet, right? When you say that and he's coming on strong, he's like, oh my God, you're so amazing. I think you're just so awesome. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't really know each other that well yet, right? He like immediately kind of, it's almost like a slap in the face to him, right? Where he's like, whoa, like, you know, and he might try to like, not allow you to break him out of it and continue to go forward. But he might be like, oh yeah, you know what? You're right. We don't really know each other that well yet, right? And the way to kind of give him a, like if you want to do it a little bit more softly, or if you want to do it in a secondary way after you've done this first one, here's what you do. You ask him why, like, why he likes you so much, right? And you can usually tell because he's, you can usually tell he's in this phase because he can't think of anything real, right? It's like, oh, I just feel it. Oh, I think we just vibing so well together. Oh my God, we have this great connection together. You know, and it's just this super, like nonsensical, like superficial thing, right? It's just his emotions talking. He just, he's feeling his emotions and he's talking about that feeling of his emotions. And so he's not, you know, that it's not something that's real yet, right? And if you talk about that and you're like, oh, okay, you know, I get that he's not, he's coming from this place. You can kind of take a step back. You can lean back and go, okay, now let's talk about this for a second, right? And so what you do is if he says something like that, you know, he says something like, you know, I'm just so into the connection and we're vibing, whatever, what you want to do is say, okay, well, what are some actual things that you like about me? You know, not just this kind of vibe that we have going on or this connection, which I think is really, really great. And I'm really enjoying this connection too, right? When you're talking to a guy and you're slowing him down and you're kind of stopping him, you, like I said before, right? If you hit him with a hard rejection and he'll feel like it's kind of this slap in the face and he won't be able to recover from it, but if you hit him, even if it's hard and you let him know that you really are enjoying it and you're like, you know, for instance, with the first one where you're like, hey, we don't even really know each other, you know, like I really enjoy the time that I've spent with you and I'm really, I really like this connection. I think you're really interesting, but I still don't really know who you are, right? If you talk to him in that way it still kind of gives him this clinging of hope, right? It gives him kind of this carrot that he can still kind of go after instead of just slapping him and being like, hey, I don't, we don't know each other and we don't like each other or whatever. It's instead it's like, it's like, hey, you know, I'm enjoying this and I seem to like you so far, you know? But we don't, like let's be real here, right? It's this thing that we call going meta, right? Where you kind of like come off of the interaction and you look down on it and you have a conversation about what is going on in the interaction, right? They call it going meta and it can be a really, really powerful tool. We call it going meta and it can be a really powerful tool when you're talking to a guy. And so you're like, hey, okay, so get him to tell you things that he actually likes about you, right? And one of the ways that you can do this in a really, really powerful way and I teach this, I think I teach this in my Love Frames program, my Love Frames toolkit program and basically it's a game that you play and it's not like a game, like you're playing games with a guy, but like a fun kind of conversational game that you have and it's called, do you know what I like about you? And so what you say is, do you know what I like about you and then you say something about him that's like a personality trait, right? And so if you're kind of in this like hot and heavy phase, it's a quick way to kind of sober things up and then start to actually find things that you like about each other. And so you started off because you're the one kind of leading it and allowing it to happen and saying, hey, this is kind of the direction I'd rather go than this kind of superficial hot and heavy thing that I think would be really fun, but if you've ever done the superficial hot and heavy thing, you know it just doesn't last, it never lasts. And so if you wanna set kind of a foundation for a relationship that does last, you have to find real things that you really like about each other's personalities and talk about those things and the more things that you can come up with, not just that you like about him, but that he likes about you, the better off you're gonna be altogether, right? So do you know what I like about you, game? Starts off by you going, you know what I really like about you? And then you find something that you like about him. Maybe it's that he treats a waiter really well or maybe it's that he really listens to what it is that you say or maybe it's that he really goes after things that he wants in his life or maybe it's that he's created a life that he really loves for himself or maybe it's that he volunteers and things that are really important to him or whatever, you know, find things, real character traits that you like about him and you say one of them, right? You say, you know what I like about you? And then you say it and then you go, your turn, what do you like about me, right? And then he had, you'll be like, okay, you know, you know what I like about you is that, you know, X, Y and Z and you can kind of play this game throughout your entire relationship if you want to, if you want to kind of re-jog your memory about why two people like each other but it's a really, really powerful way because a powerful way to kind of connect on a deeper level if you're getting into these, you know, really hot and heavy, superficial kind of chemistry emotions and you want the relationship to be deeper, right? And we have videos and programs and stuff on how to create an even deeper relationship if you're interested in those things. So make sure, make sure you're subscribed to our channel. Is everybody getting this? Everybody getting this understanding? Yeah, it sounds like everybody's understanding. Yes, yes, yes, I understand. All right, all right, so that one's that, right? And so the next one, and this kind of goes to the whole thing where he kind of feels like you're not really that interested in him. So one of the, it's called the attainability principle. One of the things that we talk about a lot here is that you need to, a guy needs to feel like you're attainable, like he can win you, right? If he doesn't feel like he can get into the kind of relationship that he wants to have with you, then it's really difficult for, he probably won't end up pursuing you, he probably won't continue to contact you, right? And this happens all the time, right? Because a lot of women are told to do things which sometimes can be really good if they're in certain situations. But if you're in a situation where you're more confident, you kind of realize your value, you know that the guy sees and realizes your value instead of doing the whole like just leaning back as far as you can thing, which is kind of more of a thing for women that are kind of coming from a space of desperation and grasping. What you wanna do is show your attainability, right? And you wanna do this no matter what because if he doesn't feel like you're attainable, then he won't continue to pursue you. And so the attainability principle in this sense, basically one is that you show him that you're interested, right? In a romantic kind of way. And I have lots of, actually in our last live stream, I talked all about this, the whole chasing one. Like I went over everything that you need to do for this, but just show him, just tell him that you're interested in him, let him know that you're interested in him. And the second one is giving him ways to kind of chase you and invest in you, right? So letting him know that you're interested, telling him that you're interested, telling one of the best ways to do the interest thing is to tell him that things that he does are attractive, right? So that's really saying things like, wow, that was really attractive or like saying something about what he's doing and telling him that you think that that was really attractive. Another way is to give him things to kind of chase you or invest in you with, right? And so basically you kind of give him a space to come in to your life. I talk a lot, especially in my make him want you program about giving a guy space, like opening a space for him to come into your life and giving him that space. And basically with this, you're giving him a way to invest in you and chase you and pursue you. Whereas normally if he doesn't know, right? Like, cause when you think about it, a lot of times guys like, you know, they're busy with stuff. They've got lots of things going on. And so they think about a girl and they look at this girl and they're like, well, I like this girl and I'm just, I'm just really tired right now. And I like don't feel like putting together a whole plan on what we're gonna do and where we're gonna go and all these different things that are gonna happen. And, you know, what I need to do to win her over and I'm not even sure. And so if you can give him those things, right? You give him ways to kind of win you over and give him ways to kind of emotionally and energetically invest in you, then he will, it's much more likely that he'll end up doing those things in order to win if he wants to have a relationship with you and he's really attracted to you, which in this case, he probably is. Hot and heavy, hot and heavy. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay, so the last thing that we're gonna talk about in terms of all of this stuff is what to do when he comes back, right? So if a guy ends up coming on really strong with you and then he ends up disappearing on you and then he comes back into the picture a couple of weeks later or whatever and you're like, you know what I mean? You're like, wow, things were really great, then you disappeared and all of a sudden you're back, right? There's a bunch of mistakes that women make in this arena right here, which is one, shaming a guy, right? Like attacking and shaming a guy and it's okay to let a guy know that you don't like it. However, if that's all you're doing is you're just attacking him and letting him know that he doesn't like it, he'll just be like, oh, she doesn't like me at all, right? And he'll end up running away. And so what you wanna do is, so in my Love Frames toolkit, I'm talking a lot about the toolkit today, but in my Love Frames toolkit, one of the things that I talk about is setting boundaries, right? And it's important when you're setting boundaries like we talked about a little bit earlier with the whole rejection thing, all of this stuff kind of comes together, right? It's all kind of similar formulas. The important thing to do is lead it with something that you like, right? Or something that you want. And the way to do that in this case is to say, if he starts a conversation back up with you and you're starting to talk with them and he's like, hey, why don't we go out for dinner tomorrow or why don't we go have some drinks or why don't we go have some coffee or go hiking or whatever it is that you guys do together. If he's like, hey, why don't we do this? And you kind of wanna do it, but maybe you're not really sure or maybe you're just curious about what happened and you don't want to see him again. What you want, what you want, right? Like, hey, yeah, I'm totally open to kind of meeting up again. I'm totally interested in seeing you again. Something like that, right? Like I would love to hang out with you again and then you go into the harder part, which is, but I'm just curious, like what happened? You know, like I didn't see you for a couple of weeks and so I'm just curious about what happened to you during that period of time, like what went on, right? And so you wanna kind of refrain from giving him options of what went on. A lot of times when I tell women to do something like this, they'll end up just continuing to talk and they'll be like, you know, did you, you know, fall off a cliff? Did you lose your job? Did you, you know, you don't wanna do that, right? You just want to leave it open for him to answer. And so he'll answer and based on the way that he answers we'll tell you a lot about what's really going on with him. And so if he answers in a way where he's kind of like dodging the question and he's not really telling you about what happened, that's a red flag, right? It's a red flag. It's like, okay, well, there's something weird going on here. And, you know, what he might end up doing which happens a lot of times in situations where we have women do this you'll end up apologizing and he'll be like, hey, I'm really sorry, I got caught up with work or I got, you know, something happened with my family or I got sick or whatever, right? Whatever actually happened and I'd love to see you again. So, you know, like let's meet up and, you know, do this if you're still interested. And so, you know, having that phrase when he comes back where you, so let's go back over it real quick. So, what you do is you tell him what you want, right? Which is like, hey, I'd love to see you again or hey, I'm open to meeting up with you again or, you know, I'm really interested in hanging out and I thought we had a lot of fun. And then you go into the curiosity, like what happened question, which is like, but I'm kind of curious, like, you know, I felt like things were going really well and then all of a sudden you disappeared, like what happened, right? And so, basically that opens things up to everything. So, all right, so that's it. Do we have, let's see if we have any questions about any of this stuff. Boop-a-do-do-do-do-do-do. So Kelly says, happened to me, but I believe it was more he was looking, he was hooking me than trying to manipulate. You know, a lot of times, because a lot of times women will think that this is like some kind of manipulation thing with guys, but a lot of times it's not, right? Some guys have no idea that they're even doing this. Now a lot of women do this as well and maybe they know what they're doing. Maybe they don't, you know, sometimes it's just that, you know, people don't realize what kind of an impact certain things has on other people. They don't really know how you feel or whatever. And so, it's not always a manipulation thing that ends up happening, right? Sometimes it is, sometimes most of the time it probably isn't them. That would be my guess. Yeah, Cathy says, I think it would be cool to date a coach like you that gets it. Kelly says, she's gonna listen later, cool, cool, cool. Sounds like everybody's understanding. So you have, so Teresa says, I have this man that I just met online. He says he wants to marry me. He keeps on leaving the, and then coming back drives me crazy. What can I do? Okay, so first off with the whole thing about a guy that you've never met before. That is something that you need to be very, very careful with. We have women that are in our community that have been scammed before. This is a common thing where some person in like Nigeria is using a fake profile and they talk to you online and they can't meet you because they're far away and they do kind of these manipulative things and then end up scamming you out of money. And I know women that have lost thousands and thousands of dollars to this. So make sure at first off, don't fall in love with a guy that you never meet, right? You need these relationships. If you want a real relationship, it's gotta be something in person, in real life. Don't fall in love with a guy online that you've never met. Just don't let it happen, right? If a guy is somewhere and he's never gonna be able to meet you, don't let it happen. If a guy's somewhere and it's gonna be a while before he can meet you, wait, just wait to have those conversations. Just say, hey, you know, come back and talk to me when you get in town. That way we can meet up for real in person and have a real relationship. This isn't, you don't wanna get caught up in scams. Stuff is ridiculous. Don't do it, don't do it. Leaves you hanging some, yeah, that's, so Kami says he told me after he finishes law school next year, he will decide from there. Well, so Kami, the question is, should you wait until he's finished with law school, right? Like, you know, that's the question, right? So sometimes you'll meet a guy and you're like, hey, you know, you wanna commit a relationship and you're like, hey, what are you thinking? How do you feel about this? Or, you know, however you're starting the conversation, we have some ways to do it in our company. And if he's saying things to you like, you know, I'm not ready, right? You ask him like, well, when will you be ready? And he's like, you know, next year, sometime when I finished law school, my suggestion is that you don't wait for, right? My suggestion is that you go out and meet other people and find other people because what might end up happening is a year from now goes, you know, it's a year from now, right? Like he's finishing law school in a year from now. I mean, he might not, you might end up wasting your time, right? You might not, but you might. And if he's not sure about you now, you know, if he, the reason that this concerns me is because if he was, if he was like, if he was serious, he'd say, hey, I am in love with you. I think you're amazing and I wanna marry you and I wanna commit to you. I wanna have a real relationship to you, but I need to make sure that I finish law school before we start doing this stuff. That would be like a genuine, authentic kind of communication conversation that you're having with a guy. Whereas if he's like, hey, I'm not, I don't wanna have a relationship yet. And, you know, I'm not gonna decide until a year from now. So we should just hang out and, you know, meet with each other and hook up or whatever until then. That's a huge red flag. And so you wanna be careful of that kind of thing. So it sounds like that's it. Sounds like that's all the questions we have for today. Shorter live stream, good stuff. So I hope everybody got a lot out of this live stream if you're in a situation where a guy is coming on strong and then he's disappearing. I hope that all of that helps. We talked about, you know, the different reasons why a guy might do this and then what to do if you're in the situation in the future and then what to do when he comes back so that you can decide whether you want a real relationship or not. So thank you so much for being on this live stream with me today. And, you know, we will speak again soon. So take care, everyone.