 Now, new creamy prom, the first and only permanent with homogenized waving cream, and white rain, the rainwater soft lotion shampoo that leaves your hair sunshine bright, present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks transcribed, but first... It's creamy, creamy, creamy. Imagine a home permanent that actually waves new softness and manageability right into your hair. It's new creamy prom, the first and only permanent with homogenized waving cream. Completely new, completely different from ordinary drippy waving solutions that often leave your hair dry, frizzy, hard to manage. New creamy prom is rich with costly conditioning ingredients. It pours like thick cream. It's creamy, creamy, creamy. New creamy prom actually waves new softness and manageability right into your hair, gives you a complete hair beauty treatment as you wave. New creamy prom is guaranteed to leave your hair in better condition than any other permanent, and it's so easy. It's easy, easy, easy. Smooth it on, roll it up. You've got yourself a prom. No dripping, no rinsing, no timing, no messy neutralizer, no other permanent is so easy. It's easy, easy, easy. So if you want new softness and manageability waved right into your hair, get new creamy prom with homogenized waving cream. And even if you're in between permanence, don't wait. Get the new creamy prom end curl kit right now. It's creamy, creamy, creamy. Look for the brand new package, new creamy prom. Well, Osgood Conklin, the principal of Madison High where Armist Brooks teaches English, has inflicted a number of severe restrictions on his school in the past. Last week, he set up a series of petty offenses for which his students and faculty were to be fined. Of course, these fines were purely voluntary. Yes, like income taxes. I was telling my landlady about his latest injustice last Thursday at breakfast. Of course, Mrs. Davis, the fines all go into a fund which will be used to buy a brand new statue for the library. What kind of a statue? A statue of the man who Osgood Conklin admires and respects more than anyone else in the world. Who's that? Who else? Osgood Conklin. See, when he first thought of the idea, he put a receptacle in the hall for donations marked Osgood Conklin Bus. But at the end of the day, he found six notes in it reading, you said it. That was what gave him the idea for the carelessness code. Leave it to Osgood. You don't have to leave it, he takes it. What bothers me most, though, is the way he takes it. Every time he catches somebody committing one of the offenses, which he makes up as he goes along, he rattles a tin can and says, feed the kitty, feed the kitty. Has he caught you yet, Connie? Has he? I've fed the kitty so often I feel like a tall mouse. Take last Tuesday, for instance, I happened to run into Mr. Boynton in the hall. Well, I just didn't happen to run into him, I sort of aimed myself at him. But just as my favorite biologist and I greeted each other, the bell rang for the next period and Mr. Conklin came by and fined me a dime for not being in my classroom. That is strict. Oh, that's nothing. Wednesday I hit a parlay. I had to donate 15 cents because I went up a stairway marked down and 20 cents for loitering near a fire exit, if you can call having your foot caught in the door loitering. But Connie, do you have to submit to all these fines? I mean, has Mr. Conklin the right to do this? We voted on it in assembly. Of course, it was really more like a plebiscite. You know, vote yes any way you want to. It isn't the money I missed so much. It's the lunches I could have bought with it. Imagine it. Not having enough money for lunch. I don't have to imagine it. Those fines add up, you know. Oh, poor dear. It has been an expensive week for you, hasn't it? Yes, and that's what worries me so much today. I haven't got a dime in my purse. He can get me on a vagrancy wrap. Oh, well, maybe it's for the best. The less I have on me, the less I can donate to the bus. A for the bus. Well, I had a good breakfast anyway. I'd better get ready to leave now. Walter Denton's picking me up any minute. But where's your car, Connie? At the tailor's, Mrs. Davis. The tailor's? Don't you mean the garage, Connie? No, I'm having it pressed. The last time I drove it in traffic, I got it all wrinkled. I'm glad you called for me promptly today, Walter. The Conklin code provides a stiff fine for tardiness. Believe me, Miss Brooks, my punctuality was not inspired by purely altruistic motives. I don't like the way things are going at Madison High. This Conklin code is nothing but medieval tyranny. The entire code's founded on injustice. Miss Brooks, I've talked it over with the other kids at school and we've appointed you our leader. Me? You are the logical member of the faculty to cross swords with Mr. Conklin. Oh, now, wait a minute, Walter. I've crossed swords with Mr. Conklin often enough to know that all you can get out of it is a bent sword. You can't avoid this responsibility, Miss Brooks. We've got to fight fire with fire. You are the knight we have chosen to slay the dragon. Oh, I'm sorry, Walter, but my card in the dragon slayer's union has expired. Besides, the bust is supposed to be finished by tomorrow. Yeah, but how do we know there's enough in the kitty to pay for it? Oh, here's the school. Did I stop too suddenly for you? Oh, not at all. I always like to kiss the windshield goodbye. Oh, before I let you out, I'd like to ask another favor, Miss Brooks. Would you, would you please hold this 40 cents for me? 40 cents? Yeah, it's my lunch money. I don't want to have it on me in case Mr. Conklin finds me for breaking some rule he makes up right after I've broken it. Just put it in your purse for me, will ya? All right, Walter. Added to what I've got in there now, it totals one broken watch crystal and 40 cents. Yeah, I'll find a place to park. You go on in, Miss Brooks. All right, Walter. Thanks for the beer. Maybe I'd better tiptoe past Mr. Conklin's office. Squeaky shoes, 20 cents. Conklin. Come on, Miss Brooks. Feed the kitty, feed the kitty. Please, Mr. Conklin, we've got to talk this thing over. Very well. Would you like to step into my office? Thank you. Wouldn't you like to sit down? Yes, I would. I thought you would. That'll be 10 cents for not going straight to your first class. Come on, Miss Brooks. Feed the kitty, feed the kitty. Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Mr. Conklin. Many of the students are getting a little tired of your carelessness code. Oh, is this in subordination? About a nickel's worth, yes. I'm surprised at you, Miss Brooks. Don't you realize where this money's going? Yes, Mr. Conklin. It's going into a statue. Not just a statue, Miss Brooks. Rather, the statue. Which will serve as an inspiration to unborn generations of Madison High students. Then why not let them pay for it? I mean, just where are you going to put this statue, Mr. Conklin? Why, in the school library, of course. On that lovely mahogany pedestal that overlooks the entrance. You mean next to the bust of Julius Caesar? Instead of it, Miss Brooks. Before the Board of Education takes their next inventory, Caesar may meet with an accident. That's possible. He met with one before. No, I mean the statue, Miss Brooks. Who knows? Inadvertently, it might be severely damaged. Why, Mr. Conklin, you're not thinking of that. I'm not out loud. I'm not. Oh, before I forget, Miss Brooks, I want you to straighten out the records in the library at once. Walter Denton's been acting as school librarian for the past few weeks and needless to say he's made a mess of everything. But, Mr. Conklin, my regular school duties are quite enough to keep me. Oh, just won't interfere with your school duties, Miss Brooks. I hereby grant you permission to attend to this matter after school hours. Why, Mr. Conklin, how charming of you. But about this carelessness code... Oh, thanks for reminding me, you owe me 30 cents. Feed the kitty! But I haven't got any money, Mr. Conklin. Please, Miss Brooks, I distinctly heard your purse rattle when you sat down. Oh, well, I might as well add embezzling to my other crimes. Here you are, Mr. Conklin. But, Miss Brooks, I only asked for 30 cents. You put 40 in the kitty. Well, hang on to it, Mr. Conklin. I'll try my best to earn another fine before the day is out. Rain, white rain. The familiar white rain song in new march rhythm. Get in step and march right out and get white rain shampoo. For hair, brightest sunshine. White rain is a gentle, rich, lotion shampoo. So gentle, it's like washing your hair in softest rainwater. With white rain, you get wonderful rainwater soft suds. Rich and refreshing. With white rain, you get wonderful rainwater clean rinsing. And that's why white rain always leaves your hair sparkling with natural highlights. Bright as sunshine. So for lovely hair, soft as a cloud, easy to manage, and sunshine bright, march out and get white rain shampoo. Look for it in the blue carton with a white umbrella on it. Remember... White rain, white rain. Use new white rain shampoo tonight. And tomorrow your hair will be sunshine bright. White rain, white rain. It's always been my experience that nothing stimulates the appetite quite as much as an empty pocketbook. It was with this poignant thought in mind that I entered the cafeteria at lunchtime and joined Mr. Boynton at his well-laden table. Miss Brooks, you haven't brought anything with you. Can I get you anything? No, thank you, Mr. Boynton. Well, I hate to just sit here and eat all this roast beef and french fried potatoes and baked beans. Isn't there something I can do for you? No, thanks. Just let me sit here and inhale. You see, I'm on sort of a diet, Mr. Boynton. I don't know why you have to diet. I'll bet most women wish they had your figure. I wish they did, too. They could feed it better. How is the beef with that barbecue sauce on it? Delicious. Would you like a taste, Miss Brooks? Oh, well... Oh, I'm sorry. If you're on a diet, I'd better not tempt you. Oh, tempt me, tempt me. Oh, I know how difficult it is sometimes to stay on a diet. Put some of that meat on this fork or I'll spear it from here. There. Mmm, that is good. Of course, to me, roast beef is good with or without barbecue sauce. Oh, to me, too. Oh, really? Oh, I'm the one schoolteacher who offers proof positive. Pass some over without the sauce. Here you are, Miss Brooks. Oh, say that is good meat. Mmm, it's a funny thing about tasting roast beef plain. You forget how it tasted with the barbecue sauce on it. Well, Miss Brooks, you don't really want another... All right. Here you are. Oh, gosh. Gosh, Miss Brooks, one would think you hadn't had any lunch all week. One would be on the right track. There you go. Kidding me again. Oh, what a sense of humor. Yeah. Hunger is a scream. Maybe I'd better drop one more subtle hint. Mr. Boynton. Yes? I'm starving, Mr. Boynton. Starving? Yes. Then why don't you eat something? Why don't I... Well, I'm against all these diets women inflict upon themselves. Mr. Boynton, I haven't eaten any lunch today because I don't have the money to buy any. You don't? No. Well, where is all your money? I'm land poor. Land poor? If the Conklin Carelessness Code continues, I'll land in the poor house. Look, Mr. Boynton, I never borrow money if I can help it. Oh, I know you don't, Miss Brooks. I think that's one of your most admirable traits. Why, many is the time I've been tempted to offer you some financial assistance. But I've always said to myself, don't you dare, Boynton. Miss Brooks is proud, proud and resourceful. She'll come through somehow. That's what you said to yourself, huh? Yes, indeed. You've got to be more careful who you talk to. Listen, Mr. Boynton, it's getting pretty close to the end of lunch period. I just like a small bite, so that's all I'll put on you. I mean, could you lend me 25 cents? 25 cents? Well, of course, Miss Brooks. Here you are. Oh, thanks. I'll pay you back just as soon as I can. Oh, don't worry about paying me back. Any time tonight will do. Tonight? Have we got a date for tonight? Oh, didn't I tell you? I've got tickets for the band concert on the mall. I thought we'd spend the afternoon in the park or then have some dinner and dance and take in the concert. How does that sound to you? Oh, listen, two bits, two? It sounds wonderful, Mr. Boynton. I'll just get a sandwich or something and come right back to the table. All right, Miss Brooks. I'd better hurry. It's almost... So it is, Miss Brooks. Mr. Conklin? And if memory serves, you were supposed to be straightening out the library records after lunch. Is that correct? Oh, yes, Mr. Conklin, it is, but I've got an important engagement I'd like to keep this afternoon. It isn't always what we'd like to do that matters, Miss Brooks. You volunteered to work in the library, and that's where you'll have to spend the afternoon. But, Mr. Conklin... Unfortunately, while you were standing here chattering, you've incurred another fine for tardiness. Tardiness? That'll be 25 cents, Miss Brooks. Feed the kitty, feed the kitty. Our Miss Brooks will return in a moment. Imagine yourself in prison, locked away from all that makes life worth living, from all news of the outside world as well. Imagine then what it would mean to hear a voice speaking directly to you, telling you you were not forgotten and how you might possibly find freedom again. Imagining all this, you have some idea of what it is like to live in one of the countries behind the Iron Curtain, and then hear the voice of Radio Free Europe. Radio Free Europe broadcasts up to 20 hours of truth a day to the people of Bulgaria, Czechoslovakia, Romania, Hungary and Poland. And though the communists try desperately to jam the broadcasts, they go through. They go through bringing the voices of compatriots who have escaped through the Iron Curtain and know exactly the problems that are faced at home as well as how they can be fought, even with good fortune overcome. If you would like to join those thousands of private citizens in the United States who make Radio Free Europe possible, send your truth dollars to the Crusade for Freedom, care of your local postmaster. After what I laughingly called my lunch period, I joined Walter Denton in the school library to help him straighten out the card files. I'm afraid I didn't keep these library cards very neatly, Miss Brooks. They're pretty thoroughly scrambled. If I had some catsup, I'd have had them for lunch. Now, you'd better let me straighten these cards out myself. You find something else to do. Okay, Miss Brooks. I'll grab a rag and dust off Old Marblehead. Old Marblehead? That's what we call the Statue of Caesar, because his head is made out of marble. Of course, even though Mr. Conklin's head isn't made out of marble, we also call him... Yes, I know. If you needn't bother dusting off this Old Marblehead, somebody else in school is planning to dust it off permanently. In fact, Caesar may meet with an accident almost any time now. I beg your pardon, Miss Brooks. Well, what do you know, the Ides of March? These floors are quite slippery. A person could very easily lose his balance. You're the first! Gosh, you accidentally knocked Old Conklin, Mr. Marblehead. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Oh, what a shocking misfortune. Why, I love this Statue of Caesar with his delicately chiseled features, his pine Roman nose. You'd better learn to love him without his nose. It just rolled under the desk. Here, Walter, help me lift Caesar back on the pedestal. No, no, no, no. Please, please. It was my clumice that knocked it off. I'll lift it back on myself. Steady does it. Good. Walter. Yes, Miss Brooks? Set Caesar up in the next alley. Mr. Conklin's got another shot coming. Well, I dropped in to inform you, Miss Brooks, that thanks to your last contribution, my statue has been paid for in full. It will be delivered tomorrow morning and unveiled at noon. I shall want it kept under cover until we... But Denton, what are you stuffing into that canvas bag? The things that are Caesars, Mr. Conklin. His ears and his nose. Also, the rest of him. I figured I could take it over to the shop and patch it up a little. Just leave it where it is, Denton. You see, Miss Brooks, we have only the one pedestal. Haven't we, Jess? And since Julius has been so brutally damaged... Oh, he won't be damaged anymore, Mr. Conklin. I'll see to that. This statue is school property. And if anyone tries to injure it in any way, I'll report him to the student council and the board of education. Zealous little beagle isn't it? Denton, you are dismissed as of right now. Yeah, but Mr. Conklin... Go, boys! Goodbye, boy. And now then, Miss Brooks, if you'll excuse me, I'll return in just a little while and personally take care of fixing that statue. Yes, I know you will, Mr. Conklin. But good. Pardon me, Miss Brooks, but where shall I put this statue? Statue? Oh, just put it on the desk here for now. Well, if it isn't old marble head, the second. That's a pretty good likeness of Mr. Conklin, isn't it? If you like Mr. Conklin's likeness, yes. But this wasn't supposed to be delivered until tomorrow. I know, but the custodian just told me they wanted to surprise Mr. Conklin. Is there any place we could hide it temporarily? Hide it? Why, yes. Yes, there is a place we could hide it, Mr. Boynton. Right in this canvas bag. First, you'll have to take out this busted bust. All right. There we go. There. Oh, it's Julius Caesar. Say his nose is off and his ear. Please, Mr. Boynton, there's no time to cut up touches with Julius. Now slip Mr. Conklin's statue into the bag. All right. There he goes. Now, what'll we do with Caesar? We'll take him over to the shop and fix him up the best we can. He's just got to occupy that pedestal, Mr. Boynton. Pedestal? But I don't understand, Miss Brooks. Well, I'll explain it to you on the way over. You see, Mr. Conklin assigned me to work in this library, and if I'm going to look at a statue all day, I'd like to make very certain that it's... Miss Brooks? Hmm, she must have stepped out for a moment. So much the better. Oh, yes, here's the canvas bag with old marble heads still in it. Now, we'll just take this little hammer and commence. Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him. Well, Mr. Conklin, what are you doing? Well, it should be obvious, even to you, Miss Brooks. Yes. Well, Mr. Conklin, there's something I feel I should tell you. Very well, Miss Brooks, but while you're telling me I'll continue with the business at hand. It's like this, Mr. Conklin. I would normally be very loath to interrupt what is obviously such a joyful hobby to you, but I feel that what I have to tell you merits your immediate attention. Well, what is it, Miss Brooks? Well, if it was something trivial, like being disgruntled over having to work in the library instead of going on a date with Mr. Boynton, who is now in the park by himself, I might hesitate to bother you. What are you driving at, Miss Brooks? Well, the main point is that I'd like to get across to you, Mr. Conklin. I have absolutely no hard feelings toward you, and I trust you have none toward me. None whatsoever? Good. Now, open the bag. Open the bag. Yes, Mr. Conklin. I'm afraid you'll find you've pulverized the wrong statue. You see, your statue arrived earlier, and we wanted to surprise you, so we put it in that bag. What? I'm in here? That's right. Mr. Conklin, how come Mr. Conklin is getting his nose put back on? But, Miss Brooks, you just stood there. All the time I was hammering you just... How could you... Why didn't you just... Please, Mr. Conklin, remember your... But what will I do? What will I do when the Board of Education comes to take inventory? What will I put on that pedestal? Oh, calm down, Mr. Conklin. I just found out it'll only cost $15 to repair the bust of Caesar. I just thought of a delightful way to collect the money. Really? How, Miss Brooks? He's the kitty, Mr. Conklin. He's the kitty. How, Miss Brooks, starring Eve Arden Transcribe, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Joe Cullen and Alois with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, and Bob Rockwell. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our, Miss Brooks.