 Porn yeah Because of all the problems, you know with alcoholism and the religion when I was a little kid probably about nine or ten I Fell into my uncle's porn stash. I'll never forget It was a stash in a box stash and My life changed forever. I mean office, you know, there are only few times when all my problems went away a Couple one was Carol Burnett and the other was porn and back then you had porn in a grocery store You could literally see we player playboy. There was right there up with the milk and cheese was on the one aisle And I was just the thing they were like and I remember going in it to the store to get some stuff and My mother's sending me in and I did not leave and she was like she came in like what are you doing? And I was sitting there at the magazine right with a playboy and I just could not move and then I came up in the era of You know first days of cable when playboy channel yep, that's a paid channel this kind of thing and that's a paid That's a deep cut. You remember that And then and then it was so weird because they were all based on never jerk off to a scrambled Playboy, but let me tell you this is the thing about the scramble. I knew how to de scramble Of course you did you just hold the channel in between and it would come in clear as day when you're addicted to porn Terry That's you'll find ways around the system. That's what you do Dude and it's in the house Yeah, and it was something I ran to because again, I wasn't allowed to do anything else So when my parents were gone and doing whatever I would be in there watching porn and It's funny cuz my brother and I would be watching together for a while and he'd be like man, I'm not doing this anymore I don't need that. I was like you go ahead. I'm See you later. I need it and you're just watching it. You're just transfixed. You're not masturbating You're just transfixed. You gotta understand. I was so young at first and my mother being so religious We never talked about my mother and father to this day I've never had a talk with my with my dad about sex It was like I would say so What about sex and she'd be like don't talk about sex unless you are you doing it? Are you doing sex? I'm like, no, no, but I'm not I'm not and I'd hate it to bring it up Right because it was always comes with shame So I tried to act like I wasn't ever thinking about sex because my mother was like you gonna get somebody pregnant Because she ended up pregnant at 16. Mm-hmm. So it was something we just never talked about in our house So I'd never forget the first time I did jack off. It was like What is going on and I had to be around 13 because I but I've been watching porn and different things since I was eight So I didn't even know with this this little gift This was about the whole time Oh my god, and then it was So it's a it's a way to escape. Yeah, and then and then add an orgasm to that. It's like the frequent it sex is a Frequency that can like is very hypnotizing and oh, yeah, it arguably the strongest Frequent hypnotic frequency on earth, right? Yeah, and then so you've used that to escape from a from a bad place Like where you lived emotionally. Yeah, and then you Rely on it for the rest of your set. I mean Yeah, I didn't even I was a bird. I hadn't even had sex until I went. It was my second year in college So I was a virgin the whole time through high school You just didn't it didn't occur to you because you had so much porn at home. I mean it well This thing I wasn't allowed to have girlfriends either. Oh, that was another thing Yeah, she because again, you're gonna get somebody pregnant. So there was a huge it's just became a problem man Like and when I say a problem, I thought getting married was gonna end it Like I got married the day before my 21st birthday me and my wife been married 34 years And I thought oh man, you know when I get married I got a real woman now I'll never need porn again And then we got an argument and I was like I need porn hmm and that hit me I was like, oh shit. Did you realize immediately like uh-oh? Yep. Yep. I mean immediately Cuz we got an argument and I was going No, I need porn because Oh, so you just call your uncle find a staff So, okay, so then you realize But that's 20 years before you do anything about it, right? See dude It's this is why it's so bad because I would even And this was really Affect me even as I started at million football the whole thing. I had this whole secret life Where I would keep my porn you guys cut some two teams for masturbating too much. No, that never happened You might be on my Wikipedia, but no that did not I But What did happen is remember I was going through this major imposter syndrome thing when I get I got my first movie and I was my first movie is a big Arnold Schwarzenegger flick. I'm one of the bad guys. It's called the sixth day I'm in Vancouver. It was so bad the posture syndrome was so bad that they were like, you know, Terry You're not gonna shoot for three weeks. We want to send you home. We can send you back to LA I was like, no, no, no, no, no, I'll stay. No, I'll stay. It's okay. No, you don't ever have to me I'm thinking like they're gonna cut me. Yeah, just like an NFL and I stay in the room for three damn week Well, I could win place Place the Sutton place hotel Vancouver, dude. Oh my god, you know it Amen crazy. And this is like 1999. This is around there You know early 2000s and I'm going and I'm watching all the porn on the set the whole thing do and then finally I Tell myself I'm just gonna get a massage to kind of work out the kinks and been working out a lot you know, but knowing full well, I wanted to try out something and I went to this massage place and got a hand job and I was like, oh lord, I officially I had never went So you never cheated I had never cheated and that was the moment I cheated And I was like, oh man, it changed everything. I knew I said, I will never ever tell like this is the secret that I'm gonna die with I just knew and I felt so horrible. I mean my wife was What's going on? You know, and I just knew I just was praying She didn't see it on me. What was it about that day? You think that made you I don't know. I mean just the loneliness being up there the whole time but and feeling like I didn't belong Because again, I was not an actor. I yeah, I was like, I didn't know what to do with the crew and the people And they were doing their things. I was like Michael Rooker was the guy who actually told me how to act He was like, no daddy what you got to do man when I'm standing here you stand over here That's what we gonna do see dough in the scene, right? And I'm going okay. Okay, dude. I was scared Shitless the whole time thinking they're gonna fire me. They're gonna discover that. I don't know what I'm doing I'm an old football player and I just every line came out like You know, it's funny me and Dave Batista talked about this like the first time we ever acted It was just like the lines coming lines coming. Here's the line time to say the lie Hi That kind of anxiety that was the whole movie and And how I would unwind was pornography But I need it more and you got to understand it's the gift that does not Very return a gross question Okay, how many times a day were you masturbating on average? Oh, I don't remember I don't remember This is important good. Yeah, but I could tell you this I could I was watching from day with day turned into night So it would be like 11 a.m. All the way to like 11 p.m. Was it about the orgasm or was it just about like the trance? Yeah, it's trance. You're in a trance. You're in a trance. It's like You're you're instantly out of body. It's like you're nowhere. Did your wife know That it was an issue before Like it was it would you go like I'm going to my office. I need quiet like caught me a couple times Yeah, and I was like, oh, no, I won't do this. You know, what is this? Yeah You know and but see but this was a while because I went through the whole Changes like, you know with cable and then then the internet. Yeah, see it got easier You don't have to go behind the beat it into the beaded room. No, you're right You don't have to go to a bookstore. You don't have to do this stuff And it was just going and because that's what I would do before is like, oh, man, you know feel bad Go home and you don't have anything in the house You know And then every hotel had something, you know, and I was like But I hit that for years and if my wife finally Finally, she was like, Terry, what is it? I don't know about you And I got tired And we were arguing a lot I kind of felt like we were gonna break up anyway because it became this thing when this stuff gets too Hard to hide and I felt like you also resent them for because you have to hide it. So you resent them Exactly. I was always angry at her at her because you why won't you let me masturbate 12 hours a day? You know, I mean like square just great Just man, your brain makes up the most wild things reasons and justifications for how messed up you are. Okay, and I literally just told her I said, you know, you know I told her I got a hand job in Vancouver. It was like 10 years ago But for her it was that moment. Yep, and she was like, you're out. We're done. I was like, wait, come on No, not that way. I told you I'm honest. Yeah, she's like dude This is bullshit. I'm out and I was like I just lost my family and That was the first time That I realized I did not have control over my life like It was and sit and now now I gotta say this because a lot of people feel like, you know They say well pornography addiction is never a lot listed in the list of additions and it's it's natural and this and anything But it was my issue. I Couldn't stop. I want to stop To me, that's a problem. You know, I know people kids that eat, you know paint chips Can't stop. Yeah, it's a problem. Yeah, you know, it may not be listed Right, but if you have the urge to grab that paint chip and eat it all the time That's a problem. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you for me This was a problem. I said I gotta do something about this and I went to a rehab center like for for sex addiction For pornography and the whole thing is where all these famous people went and this thing I was very successful Because what happens is is that I would feel guilty and I would do a whole lot of great things To make up for that, you know, I mean, so you it's very motivating like let me get myself straight No, you know what? I'm not that guy. Yeah, I'm going to do this in it and it was like I Say this I say underachievement and overachievement. It's like this comes from the same place Like if you're an underachiever, you live under a bridge, but an overachiever Lives under a bridge. He owns Because he's built that thing, you know, I mean now no one can see me Yeah, you know, but the point is you got to come out of freaking bridge You got to come out. You got to just be you and I was never me I was always an image and this and then it all fell like the image was even to my wife She didn't even know who I was, you know, I mean, well, that's what I'm wondering. It's like, how do you? Do you just have to rebuild the whole relationship everything everything but you're still mostly you I mean like she likes you, right? She's in love with you. There's this other Terry and she didn't know anything about it was double life That's what the whole thing is called. It's called a double life. She liked this life but this other things like what are you doing, you know, and I Had to be very very honest about everything like I'm talking right to you right now You know and it's a lot. I took a while I mean to a point where I can now just talk about my own Because now I'm one person I can talk about yeah, but when you're a double you're like, oh, no But what's good? We're gonna find out This is the thing that changed it for me. It wasn't religion or anything like that It's what I found out what it did like it changed the way I saw people it It's literally people became objects as opposed to actual real people And I didn't like that men and women everybody just just because the nature of porn is not You know, how are you feeling? It's it's it's body parts. It's yeah, this it's engine pistons. Boom. Yeah, but it's all about I don't know What kind of porn you're watching? Engines I'm just saying it's a lot of stuff, you know and But the thing is is that I didn't like it it changed me and And I didn't care about people. I always wonder about intervention with sex addiction, you know, you're right that we've had so many comics But you know, Lucy cake crystal. Yeah, where it's like people doing stuff where it's like, okay That's clearly illegal. Can the comedy community community in any way instead of Just going oh that really sucks. Yeah help, you know, like because there are definitely places You can go for help and that stuff isn't even about sex like it's about our it's about yeah, it's about impulse OCD or yeah, yeah the the excitement of doing something super creepy or some Yes, some trauma you had as a child or it was done to you or whatever But I do think that isolation of an individual is never helpful. I also think it's harder The more popular they are. Yeah. Yeah, I mean Malina. It's Malini's I'm not shocked that it worked but talent level Money, John's got a lot of John's a big star. Yeah, you know, man Yeah, so like he could have fuck he could have fucked off. Yeah. Yeah, that's true No, no, no that this no, so it's But I think You just never know you never know and that's what the cool thing about Intervention or people just giving it a shot, you know saying hey Would you want to get help or I couldn't help notice you masturbating in front of me? Whoa? Is there something you'd like to do about it? Yeah Well, probably the best time to hear me Well, and I you know, and I It doesn't happen as much for female comics, but I'm also, you know I'm not for it when women comics like do stuff It's like sexually, you know, bugging somebody without asking them and but but you also see It's hard to fucking confront people. It's just hard to confront people Again success It's just icky But if you're like, hey, can I involve myself in your emotional Life. Yeah, I've been in and I've been over-eaters anonymous and then I've been debtors anonymous for about 25 years Um, and then I uh for briefly about five years I went to sex love economics because I had a compulsive one-night stands late 90s. That's right Freeway entrance ramp motels red roof and the door doesn't lock everybody in Um, like it was wild like that. Uh, it was just Lightly dangerous where I was like once a year I would go and and this is like something that's an addictive thing where you go in your act when you talk about being single and then Kind of feel out the room like, you know, that's I think I definitely did that as a younger comic where I'd go I'm single. Can you believe it? And then you're at a nightclub, so then afterwards some dude's gonna hang around and go, right can't believe you're single Me well, how did you know? Who told you? Yeah, you're a wise one, huh? Yeah, so and that I Mean again, this is all weird cult language, but it was helpful to me They said that that can be a kind of like it's intriguing where you're not really doing true intimacy You're just setting up vibes So saying I'm available, but you're not really available at all, you know, like so at least how did you get available? well, so what and this is what I chose for my I Told my I've been told I'm very available and not available. I've like literally gotten both notes. Oh, really? Yeah, okay. Well, I I did get a dating plan where they said Anybody you go on a date with you have to go on six dates with them And you have to be dating other people at the same time I mean if that's possible, but like you don't just zero in on one person and you that one It's one day to week. So you've got to spread things out over time. So it isn't this At least like you used to yeah, I jump what? Whoa, Neil. I used to do stand-up comedy. You weren't there. I Always did it through the butt Anyways, yeah, so then yeah, no, I've heard that stuff like it's all it's you actually it seems like I mean in slot sexual events Anonymous, they kind of give you methods to yeah with yourself and also seeing your part in it like I never least out of myself as as a Predator, but I was like oh shit like meeting the people in the groups and that half of it's dudes And the guys would cry talking about, you know One night stands they had and I'm like, oh, I didn't know the I didn't know you felt bad about it Like I was like yeah, that was really surprising. Do you think that the people that you were hugging up with were also addicts? I don't know, but I did have people who I think I really hurt their feelings Where I was just like very cold but believed that bullshit, you know male feel me female stereotype of like guys Just they just love it and it's like, you know Women, you know women once you have sex with a man, you know, they just can't leave you alone and I was the opposite I was like, yeah, see ya, which is gross too. I mean they're all it's all gross But or it's great if that's what you've agreed to if you love polyamory and all that stuff And that's awesome, but I think the thoughtfulness about it of having some Self-reflection of like why Yeah, of like am I really being Available, yeah the availability thing because it's really uncomfortable to me to actually have Relationships even you know friendships. They're hard. It's embarrassing and I have a hard time Kind of negotiating or navigating them. Yeah, it's hard people get their feelings hurt and I get my feelings. Yeah, no Yeah, constantly it's all so That's what I really liked about it. I then I eventually I think yeah I was dating for a while and I I did meet my husband, but I was dating other people and And he was the first person who was just like He knew I had mental illness and he was like my dad my my mom had bipolar and you know She went to the hospital. He said to me, you know, I'll come in. I'll shave your beard if you grow a beard I was like that is most fucking romantic thing I've ever heard in my life How bad did the sex addiction was there a bottom of the sex addiction or was there You know when you're using sex like you're using any other drug when you're using it It's not just below the people I mean most of my stuff was with pornography and these hours of edging and jerking off and numbing yourself I mean, you're doing it for the wrong reason. The bottom is basically that you're just languishing in this place where there's no connection with people There's no it's always like I realize It's funny. There's an example like what sex addiction is this Dr. Drew had a show He did all the alcohol shows Yeah about sex addiction and there was a drummer and I don't remember what Bandy was from But he said that he was in this rehab and he for sex and he goes, you know, the last time I spoke to my mother I rushed her off the phone so I could masturbate and she died and that was the last conversation He ever had with his mother But he didn't know but he just wanted to get back to jerking off and I thought that's what sex addiction is That's what it is It's not always the things you read about or the thing you hear about on the news or guys getting busted with prostitutes or all these It's it's the way that you you Shortchange people in your life the moments you lose with people that you never realized like the the hours and the years you waste With people who don't care about you who you don't care about The risk you put your Partner at you know, there's weird that that to me summed up what addiction is though It's like you you rush your mother off the phone so you can get back to jerking off your priority is the last time Getting to that weird. Yeah state. Yeah, yeah instead of just like a good having a nice conversation with your mother And I've thought I've never stopped thinking about that weird little moment And I've gone to meetings for sex addiction which helped tremendously. I mean, I still have a sponsor And he always says go make memories with your wife Go make memories with Nikki like and I think about that a lot like I love looking back at our old photos and videos And I'm like, yeah, this is what I'm doing. I'm making memories with my wife This is better than anything sexual. I'm gonna do but I still fall into the porn sometimes. Do you have a like a Limit like do you have a rules? Do you have rules for yourself? No, because again? I know I'm just gonna I'm looking at different things and then one will hit me It's like just that you know I mean that little search you do on porn All of a sudden you find the one and you lock in it's it's it's yeah, it's in the atmosphere It's in the air or just lie. It's like a joke. You just you're searching and you're reaching for it without looking And then there it is and you have it and that's the wording. That's how it is with porn You I'm looking through this one and that one and that way I look at a lot of escort websites In England of girls, I'm never gonna see Funny, I mean it's so funny that like somehow you're like, let's check England. I do. Yeah, and there's some great great Transsex workers in England, but I just look and I'm never gonna go and do it Also is kind of safer because I know they're not people I can access Yeah, I can just look at the pictures and the things they write and you're relying on your cheapness to kick I mean like well, I'm not flying exactly how many miles do I have in America? Hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more don't want to work would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people First I'll go up here to subscribe and then go up here to watch more clips