 change is very, very hard. When I was in therapy, and I write about this, and maybe you should talk to someone, my therapist at one point said to me, you know, you remind me of this cartoon, and it's of a prisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out, but on the right and the left, it's open. No bars. So why don't we walk around those bars? That's so many of us, where we feel like we're trapped in this situation. You know, this is the fault of this, that and the other thing. When we can just walk around the bars, and that's because with freedom comes responsibility. So if we walk around the bars, now we are responsible for our lives. We can't blame all the other people in our lives. We are responsible for our roles, for our choices, for all of that. And that's what makes it hard to change, because with that comes the responsibility that now we're going to have to step up in a way that maybe makes us feel uncomfortable. And the impact on our loved ones is that we are doing a dance with everybody that we're in relationship with. And the only way to change a pattern that you're in with someone else is to change your dance steps. And people always say couples will come in all the time and they'll say like, you know, the first session, well, this is what the other person is doing. You know, they want it, they basically, I don't need to change, but the other person needs to change. They're the problem. I always say to people before they come in for couples therapy, I have an exercise that I want them to do. And I say, before you even come in, we're not going to do any therapy where you're trying to get the other person to do something differently. I want you to come in the first session and tell each other what you're going to do to make the relationship better. And if the other person, if you, you know, we can't change another person, but we can influence change in another person. In other words, if we change our dance steps, they either have to change their dance steps too, or they're going to fall flat on the dance floor. And I think that it's really important when we talk about change, like even in that relational piece, when people come in for couples therapy and they say, this is what I'm going to do to make the relationship better, it changes the entire course of how the couples therapy goes. When you're trying to change yourself and grow in the relationship and not saying the other person has to do this, that and the other thing. That ownership piece and allowing yourself to change versus putting all of the focus on the other person. When I think of that cartoon of you holding the bars, well, that's also protecting you from failure because once you let those bars go and you walk around and now you're free to fall flat on your face, that's even scarier, that's even harder. Versus you holding the bars and saying, it's this person's fault, it's that person's fault, it's my spouse's fault, why can't they pick up the laundry? Why are they always late, blah, blah, blah. Well, you're not failing in that role. It's very easy in that narrative for you to stay the same and to not have that fall flat on your face moment in changing the dance steps, just like learning a new dance, there are going to be some missteps. There are going to be some opportunities for you to step on each other's toes, new conflicts to arise, things not to be as harmonious that you're used to, but it's so important in that freedom to recognize that the failure is still growth, the failure is still that opportunity for you to build a deeper, better relationship with yourself and the other person. Right, and that's not to say that there aren't difficult people out there. So it's not to say that the other person isn't necessarily difficult in certain ways. We always say, before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes, right? Because so many times people will come in and it's like, oh, I can understand why they're depressed. I mean, they're surrounded by assholes. But then the question is why are they choosing to surround themselves with assholes? Like why are they choosing that role? And also if they're sort of assholes that are inherently in their lives, maybe they're family members, and I'm using assholes very loosely here, if they're difficult family members that you are in relationship with, how can you respond differently? Because however you're responding right now is again doing that dance that's getting you both all caught up in the same pattern from before. So if you change your dance steps with that family member, with that difficult family member, you know, that's gonna change the dance. Your response will change the dance.