 Starring Eve Arden. Ms. Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School has never been one to complain about extra work. But when she was asked to substitute in both French and German classes recently, she thought it was a little too much. I certainly did. It wasn't just the difficulty of the added assignments, but for a while there, the pupils in my English class were learning to speak French with a German accent. Since Mr. Conklin had been overworking the faculty consistently, all of us were exhausted most of the time. I was so overtired last week that I actually began to have insomnia. At breakfast on Thursday morning, I told my landlady about it. Oh, you don't have to tell me about insomnia, Connie. I've had it off and on for years. But a few weeks ago, my doctor gave me a marvelous prescription for it. I take one pill and go into a long restful sleep. But don't those pills make you feel loggy when you wake up? A little. But my doctor gave me a remedy for that. He did? Yes. It's another prescription which I take every morning, keeps me wide awake all day. You mean you take two pills every day? Three. A red one, a white one, and a blue one. You have to salute when you take them? The third pill is to calm my nerves if the other two make me jittery. Why don't you try them, dear? No thanks. I'm afraid it'll take more than pills to solve our faculty's problem. The school's so overcrowded this year, there simply aren't enough teachers to go around. Walter Denton had an editorial about it in the school paper yesterday. The Madison Monitor? That should accomplish something, shouldn't it? It certainly should. The complete abolition of the monitor. You're not serious, Connie. I certainly am. Walter couldn't have chosen a worse time for the editorial. Right now, Mr. Conklin's in the process of allocating school funds for various activities. He'll be furious over the editorial, and so voila. Voila? That's French, for I wouldn't give you two cents for the paper's chances. But if the conditions in Madison are so bad, why doesn't Mr. Conklin ask the Board of Education for additional help? He wouldn't dare. He's afraid Mr. Stone would think he's inefficient in handling his faculty. Well, but is it going to solve Madison's problems if Mr. Conklin sticks his head in the sand? Only if he keeps it there long enough. But I know he'll be angry about that editorial. Well, then I hope for Walter's sake he didn't see it. So do I. We should know pretty soon, though. Walter should be here any minute now. Come on in, Walter. The door's open. Oh, I wonder if Mr. Conklin's seen that editorial. I wish I was dead. Does that answer your question, Mrs. Davis? Maybe if I got you something to eat, Walter, it would prick you up a bit. I'll see what I've got in the kitchen and be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Bring the lamb's tail, too. This kid will eat anything. I wish you wouldn't tease me about my appetite, Ms. Brooks. I've got enough trouble this morning. I'm sorry, Walter. I gather that Mr. Conklin told you he'd read the editorial when you called for Harriet last night, right? Not in so many words, Ms. Brooks, but there was something in his manner that led me to believe he'd read it. What do you mean? He kicked me down the porch steps. Well, that in itself would hardly be indicative. He's done that many times. Granted. But never since I've known him, as he come down after me and kicked me back up again. Oh, well, that is something to worry about. But did he say that the monitor was through, Walter? No, no, not officially. But he called me this morning and told me he wants to see us as soon as we get to school. Well, I guess it's Alvederzein to the Madison Monitor, Walter. Alvederzein? That's German for don't look now, but you're out of a job. And now then, I suppose you realize why I've requested you, Ms. Brooks, and you, Denton, to appear in my office? Yes, sir. But I... Mr. Stone has read yesterday's editorial, and he's coming over this afternoon to see if there's any truth to the fantastic allegations that mine is an overtired faculty. Overtired indeed. A sleep on their feet indeed. Why, I... Ms. Brooks, you know what? Why, I... Ms. Brooks, get your head out of my flower bowl. Oh, oh, yes, sir. I was just smelling the flowers. You're a little late. They were thrown out a week ago. My goodness, the fragrance certainly lasted, didn't it? Ms. Brooks, as faculty advisor of the monitor, you are as responsible as Denton for what has occurred. And if you have any desire to see the paper continued after today, you will follow my plan of action. What's that, Mr. Conklin? What kind of a plan are you cooking up, Chief? Boy, when you get that little old head of yours working out... Oh, shut up! And now then, Ms. Brooks, I intend to demonstrate to Mr. Stone how utterly ridiculous those accusations of an exhausted faculty are. I intend to show... Ms. Brooks, get your head off my desk. Oh, oh, pardon me, sir. I thought I saw a speck of dust. Now then, in today's editorial, Denton mentioned you and Mr. Boynton as prime examples of the total wrecks I'm making of my faculty. Well, when Mr. Stone gets here, I want you, Ms. Brooks, and Mr. Boynton to be here as living proof of the falsity of those accusations. As fatigued as the rest of our faculty, I knew that Mr. Boynton was vitally concerned with preserving the Manderson Monitor. So at lunch in the school cafeteria, I related all the events of the morning. When I got to the part where Mr. Conklin threatened to abolish the school paper, Mr. Boynton's reaction was one of extreme and violent indignation. That's a very interesting comment, Mr. Boynton. Anything else? Oh, fine. The only time he whistles at me is in his sleep. Mr. Boynton, wake up, Mr. Boynton. Well, what's the matter? You were leaning over the lunch table asleep, Mr. Boynton. Did you hear anything of what I was saying? Oh, yes, Ms. Brooks. Right before I conked off, you said that Mr. Conklin threatened to abolish the school paper. Oh, we simply can't let that happen. Monitor is one of the most vital institutions in student life. Yes, but unless we can prove to the head of our Board of Education that there's no validity to Walter's editorials, the paper is through. Yes, but how can we prove that when the faculty actually is exhausted? Well, since you and I were the total wrecks mentioned in today's editorial, when Mr. Stone arrives this afternoon, we're supposed to appear before him fresh as daisies. Hi, Ms. Brooks. Hello, Mr. Boynton. Hello, Harriet. I hope I didn't interrupt you two in the middle of something. No, but you're holding the right thought. Daddy said to tell you that Mr. Stone would arrive in his office at three o'clock this afternoon and he wants you both there at three, five. He said to be sure to tell you he wants you there with bells on. That's probably the only thing that would keep us awake. Ms. Brooks, you've simply got to appear alert this afternoon. The existence of the monitor depends on it. We know that, Harriet, but the way we both feel now, it seems hopeless. Not yet, Mr. Boynton. Maybe we can think of a way to keep awake. Well, let's see. Well, the only thing I can think of is to keep pinching each other. Oh, Mr. Boynton, what a wonderful idea. No, that wouldn't work. Maybe not, but it would be a heck of a lot of fun trying. Wait a minute, I just remembered something. What, Ms. Brooks? Mrs. Davis has a doctor's prescription that she takes every morning. She says it keeps her alert all day. I'll call her and tell her to bring some pills down at once. That sounds feasible. It would be, except for one thing. I have to go downtown to the supply house for some lab equipment between two and three today. And I won't be back in time to take any of the pills. I'd have to go directly to Mr. Conklin's office. Maybe I can help. If Mrs. Davis brings them down, I'll put one in each of the first two paper cups over the water cooler in Daddy's office just before Mr. Stone arrives. And then it's either of you feels real tired when you come in, or you have to do it say you're thirsty and voila. Voila? That's Swedish, for it may not work, but it's sure worth a try. I'm certainly glad I got her in time, Connie. So am I, Mrs. Davis. It's almost two o'clock now, and I wanted to be sure I saw Harriet before her next class. Well, I rushed down here as soon as I got your phone call. But I forgot what you wanted the pills for, so I brought all three kinds. Red, white, and blue. Oh, good. Which one do we take to keep awake? Mm-mm, now let's see. I made up a little jingle so I wouldn't get mixed up. A jingle? Yes, it never fails. Just listen. Oh, the red pills make you sleep, and the white pills make you wake, while the blue pills calm you down when you start to jump and shake. How do you like it, Connie? Don't you think it's catchy? With the right melody, it's hit parade material. But if I followed the plot correctly, it's the white pills that make you stay awake, right? Right. Here are two of them. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Davis. Now, excuse me for rushing off, but I must get these to Harriet Conklin as soon as possible. See you later, Mrs. Davis. Bye-bye, dear. No, I'm certainly lucky I thought of that jingle. Oh, the blue pills make you sleep, and the red pills make you wake. No, no, no, no, no, let's see. That's wrong. Oh, the white pills make you sleep, and the red pills make you blue. No, no, no. The green pills make you sleep, and the... Oh, dear. I knew I should have written it down somewhere. Harriet placed the wake-up pills and the paper cups over the water cooler in Mr. Conklin's office. I was quite confident as I approached his sanctuary late that afternoon. Come in. Ah, come in, Mr. Brooks. We've been expecting you. Now you see, Mr. Stone, how wide awake and alert she looked. Not a word of truth in those editorials. I'll be the judge of that, all's good. How are you feeling, Mrs. Brooks? Oh, fine, sir, but isn't it awfully stuffy in here? Don't you notice it, sir? I'm just roasting. I can't remember when I've been so warm. Warmer I get, the more thirsty I get. It's the funniest thing, but I've been that way ever since I was a little girl. Whenever I'd play and get overheated, I couldn't wait until I had a nice, cool drink of water. For heaven's sake, take a drink, Mrs. Brooks. Just because you're thirsty is no reason to deliver Porsche's speech from the merchant of Venice. Yes, sir. Excuse me, Mr. Stone. Oh, go right ahead, Ms. Brooks. I was good Conklin speaking. Who? Oh, yes, she's here. It's for you, Ms. Brooks. Make it briefly. Yes, sir. Thank you. Hello? Hello, Connie. This is Mrs. Davis. Have you taken one of those white pills I gave you yet? Not yet, Mrs. Davis. Oh, thank goodness. I think I gave you the wrong pills. What? How do you know? I tried one when I got home an hour ago, and I just woke up. I'm giving you the red ones to stay awake. Oh, now let's see. Was it the blue ones? Oh, now let's see. Never mind, Mrs. Davis. I'll see you later. And don't worry. I'll pick it up for you. That was Mrs. Davis. She had lunch in the drive-in around the corner, and when she got home, she discovered she'd forgotten something. What? Her car. Please, Ms. Brooks, if you'll just get your drink, we can get on with this meeting. Drink? Oh, I don't need that now. I just had a very refreshing phone call. Oh, that must be Mr. Boynton. Come in. Hello, folks. Hello, Boynton. As Mr. Conklin may have told you, Boynton, I'm quite concerned over those editorials in the student paper recently. Now, I don't want the teachers in my school system driven to the point of exhaustion. If this condition exists, it means one of two things. Either Madison needs more teachers, or it's a case of colossal mismanagement. Mismanagement? But you can see for yourself, Mr. Stone, these are the teachers mentioned in today's editorial, and they're completely fresh, as vivacious as Newborn Bay. Oh, good. Boynton, in your own words, suppose you tell Mr. Stone just how wide awake you feel. Yes, sir, in a minute. Pardon me for mentioning it, but isn't it a little stuffy in here? Stuffy? Please, Mr. Boynton, that's no way to speak about Mr. Conklin and Mr. Stone. I mean, it seems sort of warm in here. That's the funniest thing. The warmer I get, the more thirsty I become. It's been that way ever since I was a little boy. Whenever I'd play and get overheated. Cut. We've had the Porsche bit. Besides, it's quite cool in here, actually. In fact, by two minutes ago, you said you were roasting, Miss Brooks. Well, that's a woman for you. Always changing what's left of my mind. If you don't mind, Mr. Conklin, I'd like a glass of water. After the pitcher you drank just before you came in here? What pitcher? I haven't had a drink since lunchtime. I'll only be a second. That's better. Well, Mr. Stone, as you can see, both of these teachers are in the pink of condition. All I can see so far is that they're both water happy. But, sir, surely their appearance disproves the utterly false allegations in the school paper. Still not convinced there isn't some truth to those editorials. And as long as I have the two of you in here, I'm going to ask you a direct question and I want a direct answer. Boynton, are the teachers being worked to exhaustion or aren't they? That's a pretty direct answer. Now, see here, Boynton, a snore isn't a fitting reply. Please sit up and tell Mr. Stone what he wants to know. That you're perfectly fresh and ready. A snore isn't a fitting reply. Boynton, wake up this instant. Yes, sir. What is it? It's hotter in here now than it was before. That's what it is. It's the heat. Yes, the heat. That's right. It's the heat. Thank you, little sir echo. I know that once Mr. Boynton gets outside the door, he'll be all right. He's just faint from lack of air. Come on, Mr. Boynton. Yes, Mr. Brooks. There, out you go, Mr. Boynton. There, you see, Mr. Stone? Once he got outside, he was fine. He's not a bit sleepy. There wasn't a word of truth in those editorials. No one's exhausted. The entire faculty is bright-eyed and well-rested. Well, perhaps Mr. Boynton was a little tired today. But as for Mr. Brooks and me and the rest of the faculty, we're chipperers birds. Right, Mr. Brooks? I'd like to fly away right now. Ah, hey, hey. All this talking has made me a bit dry. If you'll excuse me for a moment, sir. I'd like to get a drink of water. Oh, water? Oh, really, Mr. Confin, water is the last thing you should drink. You know what it does to you. What it does to him? What harm is a drink of water? Well, some men can take it or leave it alone. But others? One is too many and a thousand isn't enough. Miss Brooks, what on earth are you babbling about? Now, get out of the way. All right, sir. Bye now. That's fine. That's the thing. Well, Ozgood, perhaps I was a little hasty in my judgment. You're quite right when you say you can't judge an entire faculty on the basis of Warren teacher. Particularly when you and Miss Brooks, he... Ozgood, what are you staring at? I told you that water was dynamite. Ozgood, you're not going to sleep too, are you? No, no, Mr. I'm wide awake. Wide awake. And when you take his head out of the ink well, he'll prove it. So, everything I suspect is true, Miss Brooks. Please, Mr. Stone, you mustn't judge Mr. Conklin too harshly. You really don't know all the facts, sir. I know enough to see that if the principal himself is this tired, it's not a matter of mismanagement. It's just plain overwork. The first chance I get, I'm going to the board of education with a recommendation for additional teachers for this school. What? Well, how do you like that? All the principal has to do is to go to sleep and voila. Voila? That's Japanese, for I wish I knew where he keeps his horseshoe. Our Miss Brooks, starring E. Barton, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Arthur Alsberg and Al Lewis with the music of Lud Blusken. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. This program came to you from the Frankfurt studios of the American Forces Network Europe and was prepared to rebroadcast over this network by specialist Rich Kuhlman.