 The Grape Nuts Flakes program starring Orson Welles who's pinch-hitting for Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Friends, you've all heard that line about stretching a point, haven't you? Well, here's where I turn out to be the best little stretcher-bearer of a precious ration point you ever heard about. All you have to do to save a ration stamp at breakfast is to make it Grape Nuts Flakes every morning. For Grape Nuts Flakes are non-racioned, nourishing, whole-grain cereal. But that's only half the story. You'll also find Grape Nuts Flakes are a whole box full of particularly tempting, toasty-brown goodness. It's your old friend that sweet-as-a-nut Grape Nuts flavor turned out in extra crisp, extra appetizing flake form. In a word, Grape Nuts Flakes are a breakfast treat your whole family's going to enjoy right down to the last crisp spoonful. And when you buy this swell and ration-stampless breakfast cereal, be sure you ask for the big 12-ounce economy-sized package of Grape Nuts Flakes. Trained to Memphis, played by the orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, we take you to the little drug store to the NBC building here in Hollywood, where our whole gang always gathers for a bite to eat before the show. The time, exactly 15 minutes before this broadcast. Take it away, drug store! All right, Cliff. Yes, Gilroy? How's that three-decker sandwich coming along? Fine, I'm just putting the poop back on it. Here you are. Right, Cliff, that's a beauty. Well, here comes Don Wilson and Phil Harris is with him. That old-time glamour boy. If he pulls any of his lulus today, I'll smack him right in the kisser with his lemon pie. Radcliffe, put that down. Hello, Mr. Wilson. Hi, Phil. Hello, boys. What a beat, tWitch. Well, I ain't hungry, but give me a donut. I want to practice blowing smoke rings through the hole. It's a lulu. You ask for it, brother. Radcliffe. Bullseye. The way he threw this, who hit me with that pie? Now, calm down, Phil. Here's my handkerchief. Wipe your face. As soon as I get this stuff out of my eyes, I'm gonna murder somebody. Duck, Radcliffe. He's plenty mad. Here I go, under the counter. Whoop, bop my head. That's what's wrong with him. He's always buffing his head. I wonder what happened to Barry. She promised she'd beat us here. If you're looking for Miss Livingston, she's over there in the phone booth. She got a call a few minutes ago from old man Benny in Phoenix. And she asked me to tell you to be sure and wait for her. Well, how do you feel, Jack? Well, what do you mean you still have your coat, but you've got your strength back? Oh, now you can blow a hole right through the Kleenex. When will you be back on the show? Next Sunday? Well, you don't have to hurry. Orson Wells has been very funny on the program. I said Orson has been very funny. Oh, Jack, for heaven's sake, stop crying. Of course we'll be glad to see you again. Goodbye. What's that? No, Jack, I won't. I don't care. I won't do it. I will not send your old sailor suit so you can get a cut right on the train. Goodbye. Oh, hello Don, Phil. Hello, Larry. Hiya, Mary. Phil, I'm ashamed of you. What's the idea of giving yourself a shampoo here at the counter? That ain't no shampoo. It's lemon pie. I just walked in and pulled a gag and that Radcliffe let me have it. Let you have it? Yeah, and I only said, I ain't hungry, but give me a donut. I don't want to practice blowing smoke rings through the hole. I love it, love it, love it. Radcliffe. Now cut that out. Uh, what did Jack have to say? Oh, he feels fine now. He'll be back on the program next week. Well, I'll be glad to see the old boy, but I'm sure going to miss Orson. You know, him and me was getting to be cultural buddies. What do you mean? What do you mean, Phil, cultural buddies? Well, one night we go to an opera and he explains the barber of Seville to me, and then the next night we go to a burlesque show and I wise him up on Betty Roll in that ball of fire. What? Well, we got sort of a lend-lease on brains agreement, kind of. Oh, comb the pie out of your hair. Hello, Dennis. Hello, Miss Livingston. You know what, Dennis? Jack will be back on the show next week. Jack who? Jack and the beanstalk. Who? Jack and the beanstalk. That'll be a novelty if nothing else. Oh, quiet. Well, look who's coming in. It's Miss Harrington, Orson's secretary. Hello, Miss Harrington. Hello, Mr. Wilson. Good afternoon, everybody. Hi, Emerson. Oh, young man, will you please take an order? Yes, ma'am. Mr. Wells will be here shortly for a malted milk with an egg in it, and the egg must be absolutely fresh. Yes, ma'am. All right, Cliff. Yes, Gilroy. One fresh egg. One fresh egg coming up. Get busy, Gwendolyn. Give out. The leg. Attention, everybody. Mr. Wells is approaching. Good afternoon. This is Orson Wells. Mary, what do you hear from Jack? Have you talked to him lately? Yeah, I just had him on the phone. Jack's feeling fine now, and says he's back on the show next week. Well... Looks like you'll have to hit the road, bug. Dennis. Naturally, now that Jack feels better, he should resume his rightful position. As for myself, I shall hold my tent like an Arab and silently steal away. When you put it that way, Orson, I could sob. Thank you, Phil. Thank you. Oh, Miss Harrington, you ordered me a malted milk with an egg in it. Yes, Mr. Wells. And are you sure the egg was absolutely fresh? Yes. I was here for the unveiling. Excellent. Oh, Orson. I'm afraid you won't have time for that malted milk. We're due on the air in just a couple of minutes. Very well. And I shall have it delivered to me. Oh, boy. Yes, Mr. Wells. I want this malted milk delivered to Studio B as soon as possible. Well, bring it right over, Mr. Wells. Hey, wait a minute, Gil. We ain't no carrier pigeons. Get back under that counter. Yes, Mr. Wells. That's not an egg, Gwendolyn. That's his head. Gwendolyn, control yourself. Hurry up, Orson. We'll be late for the show. Follow me, everybody. Last one in the studio is an old tomato. I'm taking a chance on love, as who doesn't? Phil Harris is standing in front of the orchestra. And, uh... Phil, that's the last time I'll be announcing your band number. Just think, after tonight's broadcast, I shall fold my tent like an air-rap, and silently steal away. Don't say that, Orson. Look, tears is tinkling down my cheek. That's trickling, Phil. Your eyes are absolutely dry. Well, you've got to admit their bloodshot. That's another story. Seriously, I'm going to miss all of you, and if I ever get my own program, I'd like this gang to sign up with me. You mean you'd like to have us work for you? Yes, of course. I don't know if I could meet the salaries that Jack's been paying you. They're really lousy. Why do you want to meet them? Very good, Mary. Incidentally, before I forget it, I'd like to have all of your phone numbers. Okay, here's mine. Here's mine, Wellsy. Here's my number, too. Thanks, fellows. How about yours, Mary? I don't know. If I give you my phone number, you're liable to call me up and ask me for a date. Oh, no, no, no, no, Mary. If I call, I assure you it'll be strictly business. Then you can't have us. Girls are certainly aggressive nowadays. You're telling me I went up to Alice Fay to preview one night and asked her for autographs. The next thing I know, I'm married to her. Found it. Women are sure hard to figure out, eh, Wellsy? Yes, Phil, but it's delightful research. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this evening, for our feature attraction, O-W-P will present... O-W-P, what's that? Orson Welles Productions, Mary. I was trying to be modest. Don't cry. Dennis. Whoops, he bumped my head. Next time, it'll be harder. As I was saying, for our feature attraction this evening, go away, Dennis. Orson Welles Productions will present a dramatic thunderbolt which we trust will thrill and delight you. Well, I hope it's something Shakespeare-ing, like the taming of the stew. The shrew. No, Phil, it isn't the taming of the shrew. Well, is it Hamlet? No, it isn't, Mary. Is it The Merchant of Venice? No, Donna. As a matter of fact, it isn't Shakespeare-ing at all. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we will present our own version of... Little Red Riding Hood. Isn't that delightful? Little Red Riding Hood. Isn't that kind of juvenile for you and me, Orson? Perhaps, Phil, but I think the kid is, you're listening and deserving of a playlist, especially for the heaven. Now I will play the part of Old Man Hood, an elderly farmer who lives at the edge of a forest. Mary will be my daughter, Red, and Dennis will be my son, Robin. Robin Hood. Are you giggling, kiddies? If they are, they got feathers and they're rompers. Now, let's see. Don and Phil. Oh, yes. Don will be a tree in the woods. Only God can make, and Phil Harris will be a wood chopper. Phil Harris will be a wood chopper who cuts Wilson down. I'll take it easy, Phil. You know how ticklish I am. No kidding, Donna, you really? Oh, didn't you know that, Mr. Harris? Watch this. A kudgy-kudgy-kudgy-kudgy-kudgy-kudgy. Stop it, Dennis. He'll get hysterical. No, I like it. Don! Don, we haven't time. Now, there's one other part to play. That of the old lady is to be my wife. Well, maybe I can play a double part, too. How's this, Arson? Very good, Mariah. The part is yours. Bye, Cracky. Oh, murdered. If Lomenevner listening in, this does not constitute an endorsement of rude humor. We'll do all right. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Oh, my goodness. I forgot the most important part of all the wolf. I know I will be the wolf. In that case, here's my phone number, babyface. Thanks, Mary. This play is really crazy. Mary is her mother and her daughter. Orson is her father and a wolf. And Wolfson is a tree that giggles. I worry about things like that. Now, there's no need for you to tax your mind. What are you going to sing tonight? A song. A song? That's fine. And what's the name? Dennis Day. The name of the song! I'm going to sing as time goes by, and I dedicate it to a little girl who stole my wristwatch. That's a short story. Go ahead, Dennis. Make it a lulu second. I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Wells. This is Rochester. Hello, Rochester. What do you want? I'm leaving your employer after four weeks of sheer bliss. Yes, I understand that Mr. Benny is coming back. But Rochester, isn't there any way you can stay and be my butler? I don't think so. I got a contract with Mr. Benny that takes me up to and within the pearly gauge. Well, there must be some loophole in the contract. Is your lawyer read it? Yeah, he just shook his head and said Lincoln wouldn't like this. Well, I'm sorry you're leaving, Rochester. You've been a splendid butler and very trustworthy. You know when you came to work for me, there was a brand new bottle of bourbon in my liquor cabinet. And the cork hasn't been out of that bottle. That's the toughest cork I ever broke a tooth on. Well, in spite of that, Rochester, I'm certainly sorry that you're leaving me. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Wells. What is it, Rochester? Just think, tonight I shall fold my tent like an arrow and silently steal away. That's my material. Yes, I know. I'm tired of that tent. I'm going to get myself a room, sir, Mr. Wells. Goodbye, Rochester. And now, ladies and gentlemen, before Dennis sings this song, I have a message of importance for all of you. Tomorrow your B-ration stamps, that is the red ones, may be used for purchasing meats, cheese, or fats. This is your second set of red stamps, the B stamps, in ration book two. You have a whole row of them to use this week in eight, five, two, and one-point values, totaling 16 points in all for each person. Spend your ration stamps wisely and supplement them as much as you can with the plentiful, nourishing, unrationed foods. And it's very good, Don. She could hear what I could have done with it. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. This day and age we're living in gives cause for our apprehension with speed and new invention and things like third dimension yet we get a trifle weary with Mr. Einstein's theory so we must get down to earth at times relaxed, relieve the tension no matter what the progress packs of life a kiss is still a kiss a sigh is just a sigh of love and glory. It's sung by Dennis Day. And Dennis, that really was very, very good. Thanks, Mr. Wells. It's decent of you to admit it. What's so decent about that? You have a marvelous voice. There's no getting away from it. Well, if it's so marvelous, why do you want to get away from it? I don't want to get away from it. I paid your compliments, you little brat. Oh. Now, ladies and gentlemen, on second thought, Dennis, here's your phone number back. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction, Little Red Riding Hood. Say, Arson, I just thought of something. Who's going to be the grandmother? You know that old dame that gets set up by the wolf. Phil, Phil, you're giving away the plot. Darn it, I had opened my big mouth. However, Phil, I can't tell you who plays the part of Red Riding Hood's grandmother. That's our big surprise. So, here we go with Little Red Riding Hood. The play opens in the farmhouse of old Mr. and Mrs. Riding Hood. It is a cold Christmas Eve long, long ago. And outside, the wintry wind is howling. But inside the farmhouse, the fireplace is burning brightly. We find the elderly couple busy decorating their Christmas tree. Curtain. Christmas tree sure is a beauty. Yeah, sure. It's pretty there all lit up. Where's my jug? I'm getting lit up myself tonight. Ain't that a loo-loo? I was for supper. Well, it's up to your face. Start eating. Are you through with your chores, son? Yep. Did you milk the cow? Sure did. I creamed her, too. Where's your sister? Hello, Red. Hello, Pa. Hello, Ma. Hello, Annie. Annie? That's the cat. Oh. Say, we were worried about you, Red, out there alone with all those wolves. Yeah, did any of them come close to you? How do you think I got this fur close? Hmm. Might as pretty. That must be Grandma calling. I wonder how her cold is coming along. I wonder who... Then I'll come in. Hello? Hello, Grandma. How are you feeling? I feel terrible, son. How are you? Your cold seems to be getting worse. Grandma, have you been drinking your cough medicine? Yes, and I'm loaded. Now, Grandma, behave yourself. I want you to get in bed right away. Okay. I'll send Red over with some hot soup for you. Good. Have her bring some cigars, too. All right. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, Pa. Now, Red, take this hot soup over to your Grandma and be careful going through the woods, Red. Okay. So long, Pa. So long, Ma. Goodbye, Annie. Joe and Pete. Joe and Pete. Annie just had kittens. And right in my hat. Get out of the woods, Red. Okay. So long, everybody. Wind howls. And listen to that snow fall. See, it's fun walking through the snow. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Gosh, it's dark. Who's that I see lurking in Yon Bush? It's me, kiddies. I'm a wolf now. So, are you a wolf? Here's my button. Hollywood Lodge Number 23. Where are you going, my little chickadee? I'm going to my Grandma's with this basket. It's got soup and crackers in it. Attention, kiddies. Little Red Riding Hood's basket also contains a package of toasty brown sweet as a nut, grape nut flakes. Well, a talking treat. Grape nut flakes are a breakfast treat your whole family's going to enjoy. I remember, children, when you're taking a basket of food to your grandma's mouth, include a big 12-ounce economy-sized package of America's fastest-growing flake cereal. What are you howling for, Orson? I just sat on my wolf pin. Now to get back to little Red Riding Hood. Hey, Red, where are you? She ran away. Chris is oiled again. Snarl, snarl. I know what I'll do. I'll beat little Red Riding Hood back to her grandmother's house. And when I get there, I'll eat her up. Are you shivering, Shabers? This must be the place. And now to get in. It's little Red Riding Hood. Guys, you've got a cold, too. Oh, Grandma. Yes, I'm a wolf, and I'm going to eat you up yum, yum, yum. It'll be over in a minute. Boots and all. Here you go. I just ate Grandma, kiddies. Darn those shoes. Must be little Red Riding Hood now. I know what I'll do. I'll put on this knife and get under the covers. That'll fool her. I'll talk just like Grandma. Come in, Red. Hello, Grandma. I brought you a basket of food. Goodie, goodie. Come over here by the bed, my dear. Oh, Grandma, what big eyes you have. Oh, better to see you with my dear. I call it her in your neck. And I'm going to take my axe and chop him right into... Patriotism on the food front begins with breakfast and never skips a single meal. So why not do as our government urges? Why not start every day with the whole-grain cereals that are plentiful, nutritious, and rations-stamplest? Now, for a rousing and right kind of breakfast, just try heaping bowls of crisp, toasty brown grape nut flakes. Grape nut flakes are a whole-grain cereal, the kind that bring you the wonderful nutritive magic of natural whole wheat. An every-appetizing dish of grape nut flakes and milk supplies many of the food essentials of scarce foods, including meat. Essentials such as proteins, iron, phosphorus, calcium, plus those two important B vitamins, niacin, and B1. So you'll have fewer problems getting the proper food values into the rest of the day's ration menus if you serve grape nut flakes, not only at breakfast, but as a dish for light lunches, soppers, or bedtime snacks. Eat plenty of whole-grain cereal, friends. Remember, they can help to make up for many of today's food scarcities. And delicious, thrifty, grape nut flakes is one of your very best best. And so, ladies and gentlemen, this is your obedient servant, Orson Welles. It's really been a pleasure pinching for Jack Benny. I'm sure you'll all be glad to welcome back Jack at the same time next Sunday night. Good night, folks. Good night, Al. This program is written by Bill Mara and Ed Palloy.