 CHAPTER 1 DISTRESSING SCENE I say, laddie," said Archie. Sir," replied the desk clerk alertly. All the employees of the hotel Cosmopolis were alert. It was one of the things on which Mr. Daniel Brewster, the proprietor, insisted. And as he was always wondering about the lobby of the hotel keeping a personal eye on affairs, it was never safe to relax. I want to see the manager. Is there anything I can do, sir?" Archie looked at him doubtfully. Well, as a matter of fact, my dear old desk clerk, he said, I want to kick up a fearful row, and it hardly seems fair to lug you into it. Why you, I mean to say. The blighter whose head I want on a charger is the belly manager. At this point a massive gray-haired man, who had been standing close by, gazing on the lobby with an air of restrained severity, as if daring it to start anything, joined in the conversation. I am the manager. His eye was cold and hostile. Others, it seemed to say, might like Archie Moom, but not he. Daniel Brewster was bristling for combat. But he had overheard, had shocked him to the core of his being. The hotel Cosmopolis was his own private personal property, and the thing dearest to him in the world, after his daughter Lucille. He prided himself on the fact that his hotel was not like other New York hotels, which were run by impersonal companies and shareholders and boards of directors, and consequently lack the paternal touch which made the Cosmopolis what it was. At other hotels things went wrong, and clients complained. At the Cosmopolis things never went wrong, because he was on the spot to see that they didn't, and as a result clients never complained. But here was this long, thin, string-bean of an Englishman actually registering annoyance and dissatisfaction before his very eyes. What is your complaint? He inquired frigidly. Archie attached himself to the top button of Mr. Brewster's coat, and was immediately dislodged by an irritable jerk of the other's substantial body. Listen, old thing, I came over to this country to knows about in search of a job, because there doesn't seem what you might call a general demand for my services in England. Directly I was demobbed, the family started talking about the land of opportunity, and shot me on to a liner. The idea was that I might get hold of something in America. He got hold of Mr. Brewster's coat button and was again shaken off. Between ourselves I've never done anything much in England, and I fancy the family were getting a bit fed. At any rate they sent me over here. Mr. Brewster disentangled himself for the third time. I would prefer to postpone the story of your life, he said coldly, and be informed what is your specific complaint against the hotel Cosmopolis. Of course, yes, the jolly old hotel. I'm coming to that. Well, it was like this. A chappy on the boat told me that this was the best place to stop at in New York. He was quite right, said Mr. Brewster. Was he, by Jove? Well, all I can say then is that the other New York hotels must be pretty moldy, if this is the best of the lot. I took a room here last night, said Archie, quivering with self-pity. And there was a beastly tap outside somewhere which went drip, drip, drip all night and kept me awake. Mr. Brewster's annoyance deepened. He felt that a chink had been found in his armour. Not even the most paternal hotel proprietor can keep an eye on every tap in his establishment. Drip, drip, drip," repeated Archie, firmly, and I put my boots outside the door when I went to bed, and this morning they hadn't been touched. I give you my solemn word, not touched." Naturally, said Mr. Brewster, my employees are honest. But I wanted them clean, dash it. There is a shoe-shining parlor in the basement. But the Cosmopolis shoes left outside bedroom doors are not cleaned. Then I think the Cosmopolis is a belly-rotten hotel. Mr. Brewster's compact frame quivered. The unforgivable insult had been offered. Question the legitimacy of Mr. Brewster's parentage, knock Mr. Brewster down and walk on his face with spiked shoes, and you did not immediately close all avenues to a peaceful settlement, but make a remark like that about his hotel and war was definitely declared. In that case, he said, stiffening, I must ask you to give up your room. I'm going to give it up. I wouldn't stay in the belly-place another minute. Mr. Brewster walked away, and Archie charged round to the cashier's desk to get his bill. It had been his intention in any case, though for dramatic purposes he concealed it from his adversary, to leave the hotel that morning. One of the letters of introduction which he had brought over from England had resulted in an invitation from a Mrs. Vantio to her house-party at Miami, and he had decided to go there at once. Well, mused Archie on his way to the station, one thing's certain, I'll never set foot in that belly-place again. But nothing in this world is certain. End of Chapter 1 Chapter 2 of Indiscretions of Archie by P. G. Woodhouse, read by Mark Nelson. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. In Discretions of Archie Chapter 2 A Shock for Mr. Brewster Mr. Daniel Brewster sat in his luxurious suite at the Cosmopolis, smoking one of his admirable cigars and chatting with his old friend, Professor Binstead. A stranger, who had only encountered Mr. Brewster in the lobby of the hotel, would have been surprised at the appearance of his sitting-room, for it had none of the rugged simplicity which was the keynote of its owner's personal appearance. Daniel Brewster was a man with a hobby. He was, what Parker, his valet, termed a connoisseur. His educated taste in art was one of the things which went to make the Cosmopolis different from, and superior to, other New York hotels. He had personally selected the tapestries in the dining-room, and the various paintings throughout the building. And in his private capacity he was an enthusiastic collector of things which Professor Binstead, whose tastes lay in the same direction, would have stolen without a twinge of conscience if he could have got the chance. The Professor, a small man of middle age who wore tortoise-shell rimmed spectacles, flitted covetously about the room, inspecting its treasures with a glistening eye. In a corner, Parker, a grave, lean individual, bent over the chafing-dish, in which he was preparing for his employer and his guest their simple lunch. "'Bruster,' said Professor Binstead, pausing at the mantelpiece. Mr. Bruster looked up, amiably. He was in placid mood to-day. Two weeks and more had passed since the meeting with Archie recorded in the previous chapter, and he had been able to dismiss that disturbing affair from his mind. Since then everything had gone splendidly with Daniel Bruster, for he had just accomplished his ambition of the moment by completing the negotiations for the purchase of a site further downtown, on which he proposed to erect a new hotel. He liked building hotels. He had the Cosmopolis, his firstborn, a summer hotel in the mountains, purchased in the previous year, and he was toying with the idea of running over to England and putting up another in London. That, however, would have to wait. Meanwhile he would concentrate on this new one downtown. It had kept him busy and worried, arranging for securing the site, but his troubles were over now. Yes, he said. Professor Binstead had picked up a small China figure of delicate workmanship. It represented a warrior of pre-kaki days advancing with a spear upon some adversary, who, judging from the contented expression on the warrior's face, was smaller than himself. Where did you get this? What? Mawson, my agent, found it in a little shop on the east side. Where's the other? There ought to be another. These things go in pairs. They're valueless alone. Mr. Brewster's brow clouded. I know that, he said shortly. Mawson's looking for the other one everywhere. If you happen across it, I give you carte blanche to buy it for me. It must be somewhere. Yes. If you find it, don't worry about the expense. I'll settle up, no matter what it is. I'll bear that in mind, said Professor Binstead. It may cost you a lot of money. I suppose you know that. I told you I don't care what it costs. It's nice to be a millionaire, sighed Professor Binstead. Luncheon is served, sir, said Parker. He had stationed himself in a statuesque pose behind Mr. Brewster's chair when there was a knock at the door. He went to the door and returned with a telegram. Telegram for you, sir. Mr. Brewster nodded carelessly. The contents of the chafing-dish had justified the advance advertising of their odor, and he was too busy to be interrupted. Put it down, and you needn't wait, Parker. Very good, sir. The valet withdrew, and Mr. Brewster resumed his lunch. Aren't you going to open it? Asked Professor Binstead, to whom a telegram was a telegram. It can wait. I get them all day long. I expect it's from Lucille, saying what train she's making. She returns to-day. Yes, been at Miami. Mr. Brewster, having dwelt at adequate length on the contents of the chafing-dish, adjusted his glasses and took up the envelope. I shall be glad. Great! God-free! He sat, staring at the telegram. His mouth open. His friend eyed him solicitously. No bad news, I hope! Mr. Brewster gurgled in a strangled way. Bad news! Bad! Here, read it for yourself. Professor Binstead, one of the three most inquisitive men in New York, took the slip of paper with gratitude. Returning New York to-day with darling Archie, he read, Lots of love from us both, Lucille. He gaped at his host. Who is Archie? He inquired. Who is Archie? Echoed Mr. Brewster helplessly. Who is? That's just what I would like to know. Darling Archie, murmured the professor, musing over the telegram. Returning to-day with darling Archie. Strange! Mr. Brewster continued to stare before him. When you send your only daughter on a visit to Miami, minus any entanglements, and she mentions in a telegram that she has acquired a darling Archie, you are naturally startled. He rose from the table with a bound. It had occurred to him that by neglecting a careful study of his male during the past week, as was his bad habit when busy, he had lost an opportunity of keeping abreast with current happenings. He recollected now that a letter had arrived from Lucille some time ago, and that he had put it away unopened till he should have leisure to read it. Lucille was a dear girl, he had felt, but her letters, when on a vacation seldom contained anything that couldn't wait a few days for a reading. He sprang for his desk, rummaged among his papers, and found what he was seeking. It was a long letter, and there was a silence in the room for some moments while he mastered its contents. Then he turned to the Professor, breathing heavily. "'Good heavens! Yes,' said Professor Binstead eagerly. "'Yes!' "'Good Lord! Well! Good gracious! "'What is it?' demanded the Professor in an agony. Mr. Brewster sat down again with a thud. "'She's married!' "'Married?' "'Married! To an Englishman!' "'Bless my soul!' She says,' proceeded Mr. Brewster, referring to the letter again, that they were both so much in love that they simply had to slip off and get married, and she hopes I won't be cross. "'Cross!' gassed Mr. Brewster, gazing wildly at his friend. "'Very disturbing!' "'Disturbing? You bet it's disturbing! I don't know anything about the fellow. Never heard of him in my life. She says he wanted a quiet wedding because he thought a fellow looked such a chomp getting married. And I must love him because he's all set to love me very much.' "'Extraordinary!' Mr. Brewster put the letter down. "'An Englishman!' "'I have met some very agreeable Englishman,' said Professor Binstead.' "'I don't like Englishman,' growled Mr. Brewster. "'Parkers an Englishman.' "'Your valet?' "'Yes. I believe he wears my shirts on the sly,' said Mr. Brewster, broodingly. "'If I catch him.' "'What would you do about this, Binstead?' "'Do!' The Professor considered the point judiciary. "'Well, really, Brewster, I do not see that there is anything you can do. You must simply wait and meet the man. Perhaps he will turn out an admirable son-in-law.' "'Hm!' Mr. Brewster declined to take an optimistic view. "'But an Englishman, Binstead?' he said with pathos. "'Why?' He went on, memory suddenly stirring. There was an Englishman at this hotel, only a week or two ago, who went about knocking it in a way that would have amazed you, said it was a rotten place, my hotel!' Professor Binstead clicked his tongue sympathetically. He understood his friend's warmth. End of Chapter 2 Chapter 3 of Indiscretions of Archie by P. G. Woodhouse Read by Mark Nelson. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. In Discretions of Archie Chapter 3 Mr. Brewster Delivers Sentence At about the same moment that Professor Binstead was clicking his tongue in Mr. Brewster's sitting-room, Archie Moom sat contemplating his bride in a drawing-room on the express from Miami. He was thinking that this was too good to be true. His brain had been in something of a whirl these last few days, but this was one thought that never failed to emerge clearly from the welter. Mrs. Archie Moom, Nay Lucille Brewster, was small and slender. Archie had a little animated face set in a cloud of dark hair. She was so altogether perfect that Archie had frequently found himself compelled to take the marriage certificate out of his inside pocket and study it furtively to make himself realize that this miracle of good fortune had actually happened to him. "'Honestly, old bean, I mean dear, old thing, I mean darling,' said Archie. "'I can't believe it.' "'What?' "'What I mean is, I can't understand why you should have married a blighter like me.' Lucille's eyes opened. She squeezed his hand. "'Why, you're the most wonderful thing in the world, precious. Surely you know that.' "'Absolutely escaped my notice. Are you sure?' "'Of course I'm sure, you wonder-child. Nobody could see you without loving you.' Archie heaved an ecstatic sigh. Then a thought crossed his mind. It was a thought which frequently came to mar his bliss. "'I say, I wonder if your father will think that. Of course he will. We rather sprung this, as it were, on the old lad,' said Archie dubiously. "'What sort of a man is your father?' "'Father's a darling, too.' "'Rummy thing he should own that hotel,' said Archie. "'I had a frightful row with a blighter of a manager there just before I left for Miami. Your father ought to sack that chap. He was a blot on the landscape.' It had been settled by Lucille, during the journey, that Archie should be broken gently to his father-in-law. That is to say, instead of bounding blithely into Mr. Brewster's presence hand in hand, the happy pair should separate for half an hour or so, Archie hanging around in the offing, while Lucille saw her father and told him the whole story, or those chapters of it which she had omitted from her letter for want of space. Then, having impressed Mr. Brewster sufficiently with his luck in having acquired Archie for a son-in-law, she would lead him to where his bit of good fortune awaited him. The program worked out admirably in its earlier stages. When the two emerged from Mr. Brewster's room to meet Archie, Mr. Brewster's general idea was that fortune had smiled upon him in an almost unbelievable fashion, and had presented him with a son-in-law who combined in almost equal parts the more admirable characteristics of Apollo, Sir Galahad, and Marcus Aurelius. True he had gathered in the course of the conversation that dear Archie had no occupation and no private means. But Mr. Brewster felt that a great-sold man like Archie didn't need them. You can't have everything, and Archie, according to Lucille's account, was practically a hundred-percent man in soul, looks, manners, amiability, and breeding. These are the things that count. Mr. Brewster proceeded to the lobby in a glow of optimism and geniality. Consequently, when he perceived Archie, he got a bit of a shock. "'Hello, hello, hello,' said Archie, advancing happily. "'Archie, darling, this is Father,' said Lucille. "'Good Lord,' said Archie. "'There was one of those silences. Mr. Brewster looked at Archie. Archie gazed at Mr. Brewster. Lucille, perceiving, without understanding why, that the big introduction scene had stubbed its toe on some unlooked-for obstacle, waited anxiously for enlightenment. Meanwhile, Archie continued to inspect Mr. Brewster, and Mr. Brewster continued to drink in Archie. After an awkward pause of about three and a quarter minutes, Mr. Brewster swallowed once or twice and finally spoke. "'Lew, yes, Father? Is this true?' Lucille's gray eyes clouded over with perplexity and apprehension. "'True? Have you really inflicted this, this, on me for a son-in-law?' Mr. Brewster swallowed a few more times, Archie the while watching with a frozen fascination the rapid shimmying of his new relatives' Adam's apple. "'Go away. I want to have a few words alone with this. This. What's your damn name?' he demanded, in an overwrought manner, addressing Archie for the first time. "'I told you, Father, it's Moom. Moom. It's spelt M-O-F-F-A-M, but pronounced Moom.' "'To rhyme,' said Archie, helpfully, with bluffing them.' "'Lew,' said Mr. Brewster, run away. I want to speak to—to—to—' "'You called me this before,' said Archie.' "'You aren't angry, Father, dear,' said Lucille.' "'Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm tickled to death.' "'When his daughter had withdrawn, Mr. Brewster drew a long breath.' "'Now, then,' he said.' "'Bit embarrassing all this, what?' said Archie, chattally. I mean to say, having met before in less happy-sirks and what-not, rum-coincidence and so forth. How would it be to bury the jolly old hatchet? Start a new life. Forgive and forget. Learn to love each other and all that sort of rot. I'm game if you are. How do we go? Is it a bet?' Mr. Brewster remained entirely unsophoned by this manly appeal to his better feelings. "'What the devil do you mean by marrying my daughter?' Archie reflected. "'Well, it sort of happened, don't you know? You know how these things are. Young yourself once and all that. I was most frightfully in love, and Lou seemed to think it wouldn't be a bad scheme, and one thing led to another. And, well, there you are, don't you know?' "'And I suppose you think you've done pretty well for yourself.' "'Oh, absolutely. As far as I'm concerned, everything's topping. I've never felt so braced in my life.' "'Yes,' said Mr. Brewster, with bitterness. "'I suppose, from your viewpoint, everything is topping. You haven't a scent to your name, and you've managed to fool a rich man's daughter into marrying you. I suppose you looked me up in Bradstreet before committing yourself.' This aspect of the matter had not struck Archie until this moment.' "'I say,' he observed, with dismay. I never looked at it like that before. I can see that, from your point of view. This must look like a bit of a wash-out.' "'How do you propose to support Lucille, anyway?' Archie ran a finger round the inside of his collar. He felt embarrassed. His father-in-law was opening up all kinds of new lines of thought. "'Well, there, old bean,' he admitted, frankly. "'You'll rather have me,' he turned the matter over for a moment. I had a sort of idea of, as it were, working, if you know what I mean. Working at what?' "'Now, there again you stump me somewhat. The general scheme was that I should kind of look round, you know, and nose about and buzz to and fro till something turned up. That was, broadly speaking, the notion. And how did you suppose my daughter was to live while you were doing all this?' "'Well, I think,' said Archie. I think we rather expected you to rally round a bit for the nonce.' "'I see. You expected to live on me?' "'Well, you put it a bit crudely, but, as far as I had mapped anything out, that was what you might call the general scheme of procedure. You don't think much of it? What, yes, no?' Mr. Brewster exploded. "'No, I do not think much of it. Good God! You go out of my hotel, my hotel, calling it all the names you could think of. Roasting it to beat the band. Trifle hasty,' murmured Archie apologetically, spoke without thinking. Dashid Tap had gone drip, drip, drip all night, kept me awake, hadn't had breakfast, bygones, be bygones. "'Don't interrupt. I say you go out of my hotel, knocking it as no one has ever knocked it since it was built. You sneak straight off and marry my daughter without my knowledge. Did think of wiring for blessing, slipped the old being somehow. You know how one forgets things. And now you come back and calmly expect me to fling my arms around you and kiss you and support you for the rest of your life. Only while I'm nosing about and buzzing to and fro.' "'Well, I suppose I've got to support you. There seems no way out of it. I'll tell you exactly what I propose to do. You think my hotel is a pretty poor hotel, eh? Well, you'll have plenty of opportunity of judging, because you're coming to live here. I'll let you have a sweet, and I'll let you have your meals. But outside of that, nothing doing. Nothing doing. Do you understand what I mean?' "'Absolutely. You mean na-poo.' "'You can sign bills for a reasonable amount in my restaurant, and the hotel will look after your laundry. But not a cent do you get out me. And if you want your shoes shined, you can pay for it yourself in the basement. If you leave them outside your door, I'll instruct the floor waiter to throw them down the air-shaft. Do you understand?' "'Good. Now, is there anything more you want to ask?' Archie smiled a propitiatory smile. "'Well, as a matter of fact, I was going to ask you if you would stagger along and have a bite with us in the grill-room.' "'I will not.' "'I'll sign the bill,' said Archie, ingratiatingly. You don't think much of it. Oh, right-o!' End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Of Indiscretions of Archie by P. G. Woodhouse Read by Mark Nelson This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Indiscretions of Archie Chapter 4 Work Wanted It seemed to Archie, as he surveyed his position at the end of the first month of his married life, that all was for the best in the best of all possible worlds. In their attitude towards America, visiting Englishmen almost invariably inclined to extremes, either detesting all that therein is, or else becoming enthusiasts on the subject of the country, its climate, and its institutions. Archie belonged to the second class. He liked America and got on splendidly with Americans from the start. He was a friendly soul, a mixer, and in New York, that city of mixers, he found himself at home. The atmosphere of good fellowship and the open-hearted hospitality of everybody he met appealed to him. There were moments when it seemed to him, as though New York had simply been waiting for him to arrive before giving the word to let the revels commence. Nothing, of course, in this world is perfect, and Rosie as were the glasses through which Archie looked on his new surroundings, he had to admit that there was one flaw, one fly in the ointment, one individual caterpillar in the salad. Mr. Daniel Brewster, his father-in-law, remained consistently unfriendly. Indeed, his manner towards his new relative became daily more and more a manner, which would have caused gossip on the plantation if Simon Legree had exhibited it in his relations with Uncle Tom. And this, in spite of the fact that Archie, as early as the third morning of his stay, had gone to him and in the most frank and manly way had withdrawn his criticism of the Hotel Cosmopolis, giving it, as his considered opinion, that the Hotel Cosmopolis, on closer inspection, appeared to be a good egg, one of the best and brightest, and a bit of all right. A credit to you, old thing, said Archie cordially. Don't call me old thing, growled Mr. Brewster. Ato, old companion, said Archie amably. Archie, a true philosopher, bore this hostility with fortitude, but it worried Lucille. I do wish father understood you better, was her wistful comment when Archie had related the conversation. Well, you know, said Archie, I'm open for being understood any time he cares to take a stab at it. You must try and make him fond of you. But how? I smile winsomely at him and what not, but he doesn't respond. Well, we shall have to think of something. I want him to realize what an angel you are. You are an angel, you know. No, really? Of course you are. It's a rummy thing, said Archie, pursuing a train of thought which was constantly with him. The more I see of you, the more I wonder how you can have a father like, I mean to say, what I mean to say is, I wish I had known your mother. She must have been frightfully attractive. What would really please him, I know, said Lucille, would be if you got some work to do. He loves people who work. Yes, said Archie doubtfully. Well, you know, I heard him interviewing that chappy behind the desk this morning, who works like the Dickens from early morn to dewy eve, on the subject of a mistake in his figures. And if he loved him, he dissembled it all right. Of course, I admit that so far, I haven't been one of the toilers, but the dash of difficult thing is to know where to start. I'm nosing round, but the openings for a bright young man seem so scarce. Well, keep on trying. I feel sure that if you could only find something to do, it doesn't matter what, father would be quite different. It was possibly the dazzling prospect of making Mr. Brewster quite different that stimulated Archie. He was strongly of the opinion that any change in his father-in-law must inevitably be for the better. A chance meeting with James B. Wheeler, the artist at the Pen and Ink Club, seemed to open the way. To a visitor to New York who has the ability to make himself liked, it almost appears as though the leading industry in that city was the issuing of two weeks' invitation cards to clubs. Archie, since his arrival, had been showered with these pleasant evidences of his popularity, and he was now an honorary member of so many clubs of various kinds that he had not time to go to them all. There were the fashionable clubs along Fifth Avenue, to which his friend Reggie Vanteel, son of his Florida hostess, had introduced him. There were the businessmen's clubs, of which he was made free by more solid citizens. And, best of all, there were the lambs, the players, the friars, the coffee-house, the Pen and Ink, and the other resorts of the artist, the author, the actor, and the Bohemian. It was in these that Archie spent most of his time, and it was here that he made the acquaintance of J. B. Wheeler the popular illustrator. To Mr. Wheeler, over a friendly lunch, Archie had been confiding some of his ambitions to qualify as the hero of one of the Get On or Get Out Young Man Step Lively books. You want a job, said Mr. Wheeler. I want a job, said Archie. Mr. Wheeler consumed eight fried potatoes in quick succession. He was an able trencherman. I always looked on you as one of our leading lilies of the field, he said. Why this anxiety to toil and spin? Well, my wife, you know, seems to think it might put me one up with the jolly old dud if I did something. And you're not particular what you do, so long as it has the outer aspect of work? Anything in the world, laddie. Anything in the world. Then, come and pose for a picture I'm doing, said J. B. Wheeler. It's for a magazine cover. You're just the model I want, and I'll pay you at the usual rates. Is it a go? Pose. You've only got to stand still and look like a chunk of wood. You can do that, surely. I can do that, said Archie. Then come along down to my studio tomorrow. A-toe, said Archie. End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of Indiscretions of Archie by P. G. Woodhouse Read by Mark Nelson This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org Indiscretions of Archie Chapter 5 Strange Experiences of an Artist's Model I say, old thing. Archie spoke plaintively. Already he was looking back ruefully to the time when he had supposed that an Artist's Model had a soft job. In the first five minutes, muscles which he had not been aware that he possessed had started to ache like neglected teeth. His respect for the toughness and durability of Artist's Models was now solid. How they acquired the stamina to go through this sort of thing all day, and then bound off to Bohemian rebels at night was more than he could understand. Don't wobble, confound you, snorted Mr. Wheeler. Yes, but my dear old Artist, said Archie, what you don't seem to grasp, what you appear not to realize is that I'm getting a crick in the back. You weakling, you miserable invertebrate worm. Move an inch and I'll murder you, and come and dance on your grave every Wednesday and Saturday. I'm just getting it. It's in the spine that it seems to catch me, principally. Be a man, you faint-hearted string-bean. Urge, J.B. Wheeler. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Why, a girl who was posing for me last week stood for a solid hour on one leg, holding a tennis racket over her head and smiling brightly with all. The female of the species is more India-rubbery than the male, argued Archie. Well, I'll be through in a few minutes. Don't weaken. Think how proud you'll be when you see yourself on all the bookstalls. Archie sighed and braced himself to the task once more. He wished he had never taken on this binge. In addition to his physical discomfort, he was feeling a most awful chump. The cover on which Mr. Wheeler was engaged was for the August number of the magazine, and it had been necessary for Archie to drape his reluctant form in a two-piece bathing suit of a vivid lemon color. For he was supposed to be representing one of those jolly dogs belonging to the best families who'd dive off floats at exclusive seashore resorts. J.B. Wheeler, a stickler for accuracy, had wanted him to remove his socks and shoes, but there Archie had stood firm. He was willing to make an ass of himself but not a silly ass. All right! said J.B. Wheeler, laying down his brush. That will do for today. Though, speaking without prejudice, and with no wish to be offensive, if I had had a model who wasn't a weak-kneed, jelly-backbone son of Belial, I could have got the darn thing finished without having to have another sitting. I wonder why you chapies call this sort of thing sitting, said Archie, pensively, as he conducted tentative experiments in osteopathy on his aching back. I say, old thing, I could do with a restorative, if you have one handy, but of course, if you haven't, I suppose, he added, resignedly. Abstemious as a rule, there were moments when Archie found the Eighteenth Amendment somewhat trying. J.B. Wheeler shook his head. You're a little previous, he said, but come round in another day or so, and I may be able to do something for you. He moved with a certain conspirator-like caution to a corner of the room, and, lifting to one side a pile of canvases, revealed a stout barrel, which he regarded with a fatherly and benignant eye. I don't mind telling you that in the fullness of time I believe this is going to spread a good deal of sweetness and light. Oh, ah, said Archie, interested. Homebrew what? Made with these hands. I added a few more raisins yesterday to speed things up a bit. There is much virtue in your raisin, and talking of speeding things up, for goodness' sake, try to be a bit more punctual tomorrow. We lost an hour of good daylight today. I'd like that. I was here on the absolute minute. I had to hang about on the landing waiting for you. Well, well, that doesn't matter, said J.B. Wheeler impatiently, for the artist's soul is always annoyed by petty details. The point is that we were an hour late in getting to work. Mind, you're here to-morrow at eleven sharp. It was, therefore, with a feeling of guilt and trepidation that Archie mounted the stairs on the following morning, for, in spite of his good resolutions, he was half an hour behind time. He was relieved to find that his friend had also lagged by the wayside. The door of the studio was ajar, and he went in to discover the place occupied by a lady of mature years, who was scrubbing the floor with a mop. He went into the bedroom and donned his bathing suit. When he emerged ten minutes later the charwoman had gone, but J.B. Wheeler was still absent. Rather glad of the respite, he sat down to kill time by reading the morning paper, whose sporting page alone he had managed to master at the breakfast table. There was not a great deal in the paper to interest him. The usual bond robbery had taken place on the previous day, and the police were reported hot on the trail of the mastermind, who was alleged to be at the back of these financial operations. A messenger named Henry Babcock had been arrested and was expected to become confidential. To one who, like Archie, had never owned a bond, the story made little appeal. He turned with more interest to a cheery half-column on the activities of a gentleman in Minnesota, who, with what seemed to Archie, as he thought of Mr. Daniel Brewster, a good deal of resource and public spirit had recently beened his father-in-law with the family Medax. It was only after he had read this through twice in a spirit of gentle approval that it occurred to him that J.B. Wheeler was uncommonly late at the trist. He looked at his watch and found that he had been in the studio three quarters of an hour. Archie became restless. Long suffering old bean though he was, he considered this a bit thick. He got up and went out onto the landing to see if there were any signs of the blighter. There were none. He began to understand now what had happened. For some reason or other, the belly artist was not coming to the studio at all that day. Probably he had called up the hotel and left a message to this effect, and Archie had just missed it. Another man might have waited to make certain that his message had reached its destination, but not woollen-headed Wheeler, the most casual individual in New York. Thoroughly aggrieved, Archie turned back to the studio to dress and go away. His progress was stayed by a solid, forbidding slab of oak. Somehow or other, since he had left the room, the door had managed to get itself shut. Oh, dash it, said Archie. The mildness of the expletive was proof that the full horror of the situation had not immediately come home to him. His mind in the first few moments was occupied with the problem of how the door had got that way. He could not remember shutting it. Probably he had done it unconsciously. As a child he had been taught by sedulous elders that the little gentleman always closed doors behind him, and presumably his subconscious self was still under the influence. And then suddenly he realized that this infernal, officious ass of a subconscious self had deposited him right in the gumbo. Behind that closed door, unattainable as youthful ambition, lay his gents-heather mixture with the green twill, and here he was, out in the world, alone, in a lemon-coloured bathing suit. In all crises of human affairs there are two broad courses open to a man. He can stay where he is, or he can go elsewhere. Archie, leaning on the banisters, examined these alternatives narrowly. If he stayed where he was he would have to spend the night on this dashed landing. If he legged it in this kit he would be gathered up by the constabulary before he had gone a hundred yards. He was no pessimist, but he was reluctantly forced to the conclusion that he was up against it. It was while he was musing with a certain tenseness on these things that the sound of footsteps came to him from below. But almost in the first instant the hope that this might be J.B. Wheeler, the curse of the human race, died away. Whoever was coming up the stairs was running, and J.B. Wheeler never ran upstairs. He was not one of your lean, haggard, spiritual-looking geniuses. He made a large income with his brush and pencil and spent most of it in creature comforts. This couldn't be J.B. Wheeler. It was not. It was a tall, thin man whom he had never seen before. He appeared to be in a considerable hurry. He let himself into the studio on the floor below, and vanished without even waiting to shut the door. He had come and disappeared in almost record time. But brief though his passing had been, it had been long enough to bring consolation to Archie. A sudden bright light had been vouchsafed to Archie, and he now saw an admirably ripe and fruity scheme for ending his troubles. What could be simpler than to toddle down one flight of stairs and, in an easy and debonair manner, ask the chappy's permission to use his telephone? And what could be simpler, once he was at the phone, than to get in touch with somebody at the Cosmopolis who would send down a few trousers and whatnot in a kit bag? It was a priceless solution, thought Archie, as he made his way downstairs. Not even embarrassing, he meant to say. This chappy, living in a place like this, wouldn't bat an eyelid at the spectacle of a fellow trickling about the place in a bathing suit. They would have a good laugh about the whole thing. I say, I hate to bother you, dare say you're busy and all that sort of thing, but would you mind if I popped in for half a second and used your phone? That was the speech, the extremely gentlemanly and well-phrased speech, which Archie had prepared to deliver the moment the man appeared. The reason he did not deliver it was that the man did not appear. He knocked, but nothing stirred. I say, Archie now perceived that the door was a jar, and that on an envelope attached with attack to one of the panels was the name Ilmer M. Moon. He pushed the door a little farther open and tried again. Oh, Mr. Moon! Mr. Moon! He waited a moment. Oh, Mr. Moon! Mr. Moon! Are you there, Mr. Moon? He blushed hotly. To his sensitive ear the words had sounded exactly like the opening line of the refrain of a vaudeville song-hit. He decided to waste no further speech on a man with such an unfortunate surname until he could see him face to face and get a chance of lowering his voice a bit. Absolutely absurd to stand outside a chap's door singing song-hits in a lemon-colored bathing suit. He pushed the door open and walked in, and his subconscious self, always the gentleman, closed it gently behind him. Ah! said a low, sinister, harsh, unfriendly and unpleasant voice. Hey! said Archie, revolving sharply on his axis. He found himself confronting the hurried gentleman who had run upstairs. This sprinter had produced an automatic pistol, and was pointing it in a truckulent manner at his head. Archie stared at his host, and his host stared at him. But your hands up! he said. Oh, right-o! Absolutely! said Archie. But I mean to say... The other was drinking him in with considerable astonishment. Archie's costume seemed to have made a powerful impression upon him. Oh, that duller you! he inquired. Me? Oh, my name's never mind your name. What are you doing here? Well, as a matter of fact, I popped in to ask if I might use your phone. You see, a certain relief seemed to temper the austerity of the other's gaze. As a visitor, Archie, though surprising, seemed to be better than he had expected. I don't know what to do with you, he said meditatively. If you just let me total to the phone, likely, said the man, he appeared to reach a decision. Here, go into that room. He indicated with a jerk of his head the open door of what was, apparently, a bedroom at the farther end of the studio. I take it, said Archie, chattely, that all this may seem to you not a little rummy. Get on! I was only saying... Well, I haven't time to listen. Get a move on! The bedroom was in a state of untidiness which eclipsed anything which Archie had ever witnessed. The other appeared to be moving house. Bed, furniture, and floor were covered with articles of clothing. A silk shirt wreathed itself about Archie's ankles as he stood gaping, and as he moved farther into the room his path was paved with ties and collars. Sit down, said Elmer M. Moon, abruptly. Righto, thanks, said Archie. I suppose you wouldn't like me to explain or what not, what? No, said Mr. Moon, I haven't got your spare time. Put your hands behind that chair. Archie did so, and found them immediately secured by what felt like a silk tie. His assiduous host then proceeded to fasten his ankles in a like manner. This done he seemed to feel that he had done all that was required of him, and he returned to the packing of a large suitcase which stood by the window. I say, said Archie, Mr. Moon, with the air of a man who has remembered something which he had overlooked, shoved a sock in his guest's mouth and resumed his packing. He was what might be called an impressionist packer. His aim appeared to be speed rather than neatness. He bundled his belongings in, closed the bag with some difficulty, and, stepping to the window, opened it. Then he climbed out onto the fire escape, dragged the suitcase after him, and was gone. Archie, left alone, addressed himself to the task of freeing his prison limbs. The job proved much easier than he had expected. Mr. Moon, that hustler, had wrought for the moment, not for all time. A practical man, he had been content to keep his visitor shackled merely for such a period as would permit him to make his escape unhindered. In less than ten minutes, Archie, after a good deal of snake-like writhing, was pleased to discover that the thin gummy attached to his wrists had loosened sufficiently to enable him to use his hands. He untied himself and got up. He now began to tell himself that out of evil cometh good. His encounter with the elusive Mr. Moon had not been an agreeable one, but it had had this solid advantage, that it had left him right in the middle of a great many clothes. And Mr. Moon, whatever his moral defects, had the one excellent quality of taking about the same size as himself. Archie, casting a covetous eye upon the tweed suit which lay on the bed, was on the point of climbing into the trousers when, on the outer door of the studio, there sounded a forceful knocking. Open up here. End of Chapter 5 Chapter 6 of Indiscretions of Archie by P. G. Woodhouse Read by Mark Nelson This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org In Discretions of Archie Chapter 7 The Bomb Archie bounded silently out into the other room and stood listening tensely. He was not a naturally querulous man, but he did feel at this point that fate was picking on him with a somewhat undue severity. In the name of the law! There are times when the best of us lose our heads. At this juncture Archie should undoubtedly have gone to the door, opened it, explained his presence in a few well-chosen words, and generally have passed the whole thing off with ready tact. But the thought of confronting a posse of police in his present costume caused him to look earnestly about him for a hiding place. Up against the farther wall was a settee with a high, arching back, which might have been put there for that special purpose. He inserted himself behind this just as a splintering crash announced that the law, having gone through the formality of knocking with its knuckles, was now getting busy with an axe. A moment later the door had given way and the room was full of trampling feet. Archie wedged himself against the wall with the quiet concentration of a clam nestling in its shell and hoped for the best. It seemed to him that his immediate future depended, for better or worse, entirely on the native intelligence of the force. If they were the bright, alert men he hoped they were, they would see all that junk in the bedroom and deducing from it that their quarry had stood not upon their order of his going, but had hopped it, would not waste time in searching a presumably empty apartment. If, on the other hand, they were the obtuse, flat-footed persons who occasionally find their way into the ranks of even the most enlightened constabularies, they would undoubtedly shift the setee and drag him into a publicity from which his modest soul shrank. He was enchanted, therefore, a few moments later, to hear a gruff voice state that the mutt had beaten it down the fire escape. His opinion of the detective abilities of the New York police force rose with a bound. There followed a brief council of war, which, as it took place in the bedroom, was inaudible to Archie except as a distant growling noise. He could distinguish no words, but as it was succeeded by a general trampling of large boots in the direction of the door, and then by silence, he gathered that the pack, having drawn the studio and found it empty, had decided to return to other and more profitable duties. He gave them a reasonable interval for removing themselves, then poked his head cautiously over the setee. All was peace. The place was empty. No sound disturbed the stillness. Archie emerged. For the first time in this morning of disturbing occurrences, he began to feel that God was in his heaven and all right with the world. At last things were beginning to brighten up a bit, and life might be said to have taken on some of the aspects of a good egg. He stretched himself, for it is cramping work lying under setees, and proceeding to the bedroom picked up the tweed trousers again. Clothes had a fascination for Archie. Another man, in similar circumstances, might have hurried over his toilet. But Archie, faced by a difficult choice of ties, rather strung the thing out. He selected a specimen which did great credit to the taste of Mr. Moon, evidently one of our snappiest dressers, found that it did not harmonize with the deeper meaning of the tweed suit, removed it, chose another, and was just adjusting the bow and admiring the effect when his attention was diverted by a slight sound which was half a cough and half a sniff, and turning found himself gazing into the clear blue eyes of a large man in uniform who had stepped into the room from the fire escape. He was swinging a substantial club in a negligent sort of way, and he looked at Archie with the total absence of bonomy. Ah, he observed. Oh, there you are, said Archie, subsiding weakly against the chest of drawers. He gulped. Of course, I can see you're thinking all this pretty tolerably weird and all that, he proceeded in a propitutory voice. The policeman attempted no analysis of his emotions. He opened a mouth which a moment before had looked incapable of being opened, except with the assistance of powerful machinery, and shouted a single word. Cassidy! A distant voice gave tongue an answer. It was like alligators roaring to their mates across lonely swamps. There was a rumble of footsteps in the region of the stairs, and presently there entered an even larger guardian of the law than the first exhibit. He too swung a massive club, and like his colleague, he gazed frostily at Archie. God save Ireland, he remarked. The words appeared to be more in the nature of an expletive than a practical comment on the situation. Having uttered them, he draped himself in the doorway like a colossus and chewed gum. Where you get him, he inquired after a pause. Found him here, it timped into disguise himself. I told Kepp he was hiding somewheres, but he would have it that he beat it down the skip, said the gum-chewer, with the somber triumph of the underling whose sound advice has been overruled by those above him. He shifted his wholesome, or as some say unwholesome, morsel to the other side of his mouth, and for the first time addressed Archie directly. Yet pinched, he observed. Archie started violently. The bleak directness of the speech roused him with a jerk from the dreamlike state into which he had fallen. He had not anticipated this. He had assumed that there would be a period of tedious explanations to be gone through before he was at liberty to depart to the cozy little lunch for which his interior had been sighing wistfully this long time past, but that he should be arrested had been outside his calculations. Of course he could put everything right eventually. He could call witnesses to his character and the purity of his intentions, but in the meantime the whole dashed business would be in all the papers, embellished with all those unpleasant flippancies to which your newspaper reporter is so prone to stoop when he sees half a chance. He would feel a frightful chump. Chappies would rot him about it to the most fearful extent. Old Brewster's name would come into it, and he could not disguise it from himself that his father-in-law, who liked his name in the papers as little as possible, would be soarer than a sun-burned neck. No, I say you know, I mean, I mean to say. Pinched, repeated the larger policeman. And anything you say, added his slightly smaller colleague, will be used against yet the trial. And if you try to escape, said the first speaker, twiddling his club, you'll get your block knocked off. And having sketched out this admirably clear and neatly constructed scenario, the two relapsed into silence. Officer Cassidy restored his gum to circulation. Officer Donahue frowned sternly at his boots. But I say, said Archie, it's all a mistake, you know. Absolutely a frightful air, my dear old constables. I'm not the lad you're after at all. The chappy you want is a different sort of fellow altogether. Another blighter entirely. New York policeman never laughed when on duty. There is probably something in the regulations against it. But Officer Donahue permitted the left corner of his mouth to twitch slightly. And a momentary muscular spasm disturbed the calm of Officer Cassidy's granite features, as a passing breeze ruffles the surface of some bottomless lake. That's what they all say, observed Officer Donahue. It's no use trying that line of talk, said Officer Cassidy. Babcock squealed. Sure, squealed this morning, said Officer Donahue. Archie's memory stirred vaguely. Babcock, he said. Do you know that name seems familiar to me somehow? I'm almost sure I read it in the paper or something. Ah, cut it out, said Officer Cassidy disgustedly. The two constables exchanged a glance of austere disapproval. This hypocrisy pained them. Read it in the paper or something. By Jove, I remember now. He's the chappy who was arrested in that bond business. For goodness' sake, my dear merry old constables, said Archie, astounded. You surely aren't laboring under the impression that I'm the mastermind they were talking about in the paper. Why, what an absolutely priceless notion. I mean to say I ask you what, frankly laddies, do I look like a mastermind? Officer Cassidy heaved a deep sigh, which rumbled up from his interior like the first muttering of a cyclone. If I'd known, he said regretfully, that this guy was going to turn out a ruddy Englishman, it has taken a slap at him with me stick and chanced it. Officer Donahue considered the point well taken. Ah, he said, understandingly. He regarded Archie with an unfriendly eye. I know the sir to well, trampling on the face of the poor. You can trample on the poor man's face, said Officer Cassidy severely, but don't be surprised if one day he bites you in the leg. But my dear old sir, protested Archie, I've never trampled one of these days, said Officer Donahue moodily, to Shannon we'll flow in blood to the sea. Absolutely, but Officer Cassidy uttered a glad cry. Why couldn't we hit him a lick, he suggested brightly, until the cap he resisted us in the exercise of our duty. An instant gleam of approval and enthusiasm came into Officer Donahue's eyes. Officer Donahue was not a man who got these luminous inspirations himself, but that did not prevent him appreciating them in others, and bestowing commendation in their right quarter. There was nothing petty or grudging about Officer Donahue. Yerrta lad with the head, Tim, he explained admiringly. It just sorta came to me, said Mr. Cassidy modestly. It's a great idea, Timmy. Just happen to think of it, said Mr. Cassidy with a coy gesture of self-effacement. Archie had listened to the dialogue with growing uneasiness. Not for the first time since he had made their acquaintance, he became vividly aware of the exceptional physical gifts of these two men. The New York police force demands from those who would join its ranks an extremely high standard of stature and sinew, but it was obvious that jolly old Donahue and Cassidy must have passed in first shot without any difficulty whatever. I say, you know, he observed apprehensively, and then a sharp and commanding voice spoke from the outer room. Donahue, Cassidy, what the devil does this mean? Archie had a momentary impression that an angel had fluttered down to his rescue. If this was the case, the angel had assumed an effective disguise, that of a police captain. The new arrival was a far smaller man than his subordinates, so much smaller that it did Archie good to look at him. For a long time he had been wishing that it were possible to rest his eyes with the spectacle of something of a slightly less outsized nature than his two companions. Why have you left your posts? The effect of the interruption on the messieurs Cassidy and Donahue was pleasingly instantaneous. They seemed to shrink to almost normal proportions, and their manner took on an attractive deference. Officer Donahue saluted. If you please, sir. Officer Cassidy also saluted, simultaneously. Twist like this, sir. The captain froze Officer Cassidy with a glance, and, leaving him congealed, turned to Officer Donahue. Oh, he was standing on to fire escape, sir, said Officer Donahue, in a tone of obsequious respect, which not only delighted but astounded Archie, who hadn't known he could talk like that. According to instructions, when I heard a suspicious noise, I cropped in, sir, and found this duck, found the accused, sir, in front of Tamir, examining himself. I then called to Officer Cassidy for assistance. We pinched him, arrested him, sir. The captain looked at Archie. It seemed to Archie that he looked at him coldly and with contempt. Who is he? Tamaster mind, sir. The what? He accused, sir, the man what's wanted. You may want him, I don't, said the captain. Archie, though relieved, thought he might have put it more nicely. This is it, moan. It's not a bit like him. Absolutely not, agreed Archie cordially. It's all a mistake, old companion, as I was trying to cut it out. Oh, right-o. You've seen the photographs at the station. Do you mean to tell me you see any resemblance? If you please, sir, said Officer Cassidy, coming to life. Well, we thought he'd been disguising himself to a way he wouldn't be recognized. You're a fool, said the captain. Yes, sir, said Officer Cassidy meekly. So are you, Donahue. Yes, sir. Archie's respect for this chappy was going up all the time. He seemed to be able to take years off the lives of these massive blighters with a word. It was like the stories you read about lion tamers. Archie did not despair of seeing Officer Donahue in his old college chum, Cassidy, eventually jumping through hoops. Who are you, to manner the captain, turning to Archie? Well, my name is What Are You Doing Here. Well, it's a rather longish story, you know. Don't want to bore you and all that. I'm here to listen. You can't bore me. Dash it nice of you to put it like that, said Archie, gratefully. I mean to say, makes it easier, and so forth. What I mean is, you know how rotten you feel telling the deuce of a long yawn and wondering if the party of the second part is wishing you would turn off the tap and go home. I mean, if, said the captain, you're reciting something, stop. If you're trying to tell me what you're doing here, make it shorter and easier. Archie saw his point. Of course, time was money, the modern spirit of hustle, all that sort of thing. Well, it was this bathing suit, you know, he said. What bathing suit? Mine, don't you know, a lemon-colored contrivance, rather bright and so forth, but in its proper place, not altogether a bad egg? Well, the whole thing started, you know, with my standing on a ballet pedestal sort of arrangement in a diving attitude. For the cover, you know. I don't know if you have ever done anything of that kind yourself, but it gives you a most fearful crick in the spine. However, that's rather beside the point, I suppose. Don't know why I mentioned it. Well, this morning he was dashed late, so I went out. What the devil are you talking about? Archie looked at him, surprised. Aren't I making it clear? No. Well, you understand about the bathing suit, don't you? The jolly old bathing suit? You've grasped that, what? No. Oh, I say, said Archie. That's rather nuisance. I mean to say, the bathing suit's what you might call the good old pivot of the whole dashed affair, you see. Well, you understand about the cover, what? You're pretty clear on the subject of the cover? What cover? Why, for the magazine. What magazine? Now, there you rather have me. One of these bright little periodicals, you know, that you see popping to and fro on the bookstalls. I don't know what you're talking about, said the captain. He looked at Archie with an expression of distrust and hostility. And I'll tell you straight out, I don't like the looks of you. I believe you're a pal of his. No longer, said Archie, firmly, I mean to say, a chubby who makes you stand on a ballet pedestal sort of arrangement and get a crick in the spine, and then doesn't turn up and leaves you biffing all over the countryside in a bathing suit. The reintroduction of the bathing suit motive seemed to have the worst effect on the captain. He flushed, darkly. Are you trying to josh me? I've a mind to soak you. If you play, sir, cried Officer Donahue and Officer Cassidy in chorus. In the chorus of their professional career, they did not often hear their superior make many suggestions with which they saw eye to eye. But he had certainly, in their opinion, spoken a mouthful now. No, honestly, my dear old thing, nothing was farther from my thoughts. He would have spoken further, but at this moment the world came to an end. At least that was how it sounded. Somewhere in the immediate neighborhood something went off with a vast explosion, shattering the glass in the window, peeling the plaster from the ceiling, and sending him staggering into the inhospitable arms of Officer Donahue. The three guardians of the law stared at one another. If you play, sir, said Officer Cassidy, saluting, well, may I speak, sir? Well, something's exploded, sir. The information, kindly meant, though it was, seemed to annoy the captain. What the devil did you think I thought had happened, he demanded, with not a little irritation, it was a bomb! Archie could have corrected this diagnosis, for already a faint but appealing aroma of an alcoholic nature was creeping into the room through a hole in the ceiling, and there had risen before his eyes the picture of J. B. Wheeler affectionately regarding that barrel of his on the previous morning in the studio upstairs. J. B. Wheeler had wanted quick results, and he got them. Archie had long since ceased to regard J. B. Wheeler as anything but a tumor on the social system, but he was bound to admit that he had certainly done him a good turn now. Already these honest men, diverted by the superior attraction of this latest happening, appeared to have forgotten his existence. Sir, said officer Donahue, well, it came from upstairs, sir. Of course it came from upstairs, Cassidy. Sir, get down into the street, call up the reserves, and stand at the front entrance to keep the crowd back. We'll have the whole city here in five minutes. Right, sir? Don't let anyone in. No, sir. Well, see that you don't. Come along, Donahue, now. Look slippy. Hunde spot, sir, said officer Donahue. A moment later Archie had the studio to himself. Two minutes later he was picking his way cautiously down the fire escape after the manner of the recent Mr. Moon. Archie had not seen much of Mr. Moon, but he had seen enough to know that in certain crises his methods were sound and should be followed. Elmer Moon was not a good man. His ethics were poor and his moral code shaky, but in the matter of legging it away from a situation of peril and discomfort, he had no superior. CHAPTER VII by P. G. Woodhouse. Read by Mark Nelson. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. IN DISCRETIONS OF ARCHIE CHAPTER VII Mr. Roscoe Sheriff Has An Idea Archie inserted a fresh cigarette in his long holder and began to smoke a little moodily. It was about a week after his disturbing adventures in J. B. Wheeler's studio, and life had ceased for the moment to be a thing of careless enjoyment. Mr. Wheeler, mourning over his lost homebrew, and refusing, like Naiobi, to be comforted, has suspended the sittings for the magazine cover, thus robbing Archie of his life work. Mr. Brewster had not been in a genial mood of late. And, in addition to all this, Lucille was away on a visit to a school friend, and when Lucille went away, she took with her the sunshine. Archie was not surprised at her being popular and in demand among her friends, but that did not help him to become reconciled to her absence. He gazed rather wistfully across the table at his friend, Roscoe Sheriff, the press agent, another of his pen and ink club acquaintances. They had just finished lunch, and during the meal Sheriff, who, like most men of action, was fond of hearing the sound of his own voice, and liked exercising it on the subject of himself, had been telling Archie a few anecdotes about his professional past. From these the latter had conceived a picture of Roscoe Sheriff's life as a prismatic thing of energy and adventure and well-paid with all. Just the sort of life, in fact, which he would have enjoyed leading himself. He wished that he, too, like the press agent, could go about the place, slipping things over and putting things across. Daniel Brewster, he felt, would have beamed upon a son-in-law like Roscoe Sheriff. The more I see of America, sighed Archie, the more it amazes me. All you birds seem to have been doing things from the cradle upwards. I wish I could do things. Well, why don't you? Archie flicked the ash from his cigarette into the finger-ball. Oh, I don't know, you know, he said. Somehow none of our family ever have. I don't know why it is, but whenever a moon starts out to do things he infallibly makes a bloomer. There was a moon in the Middle Ages, who had a sudden spasm of energy and set out to make a pilgrimage to Jerusalem, dressed as a wandering friar. Rum ideas they had in those days? Did he get there? Absolutely not! Just as he was leaving the front door, his favorite hound mistook him for a tramp, or a violet, or a scurvy knee, or whatever they used to call them at that time, and bit him in the fleshy part of the leg. Well, at least he started. Enough to make a chappy-start, what? Roscoe's sheriff sipped his coffee thoughtfully. He was an apostle of energy, and it seemed to him that he could make a convert of Archie, and incidentally do himself a bit of good. For several days he had been looking for someone like Archie to help him in a small matter which he had in mind. If you're really keen on doing things, he said, there's something you can do for me right away. Archie beamed. Action was what his soul demanded. Anything, dear boy, anything. State your case. Would you have any objection to putting up a snake for me? Putting up a snake? Just for a day or two? But how do you mean, old soul? Put him up. Where? Wherever you live. Where do you live? The Cosmopolis, isn't it? Of course. You married old Brewster's daughter. I remember reading about it. But I say, laddie, I don't want to spoil your day and disappoint you and so forth, but my jolly old father-in-law would never let me keep a snake. Why, it's as much as I can do to make him let me stop on in the place. He wouldn't know. There's not much that goes on in the hotel that he doesn't know, said Archie doubtfully. He must know. The whole point of the thing is that it must be a dead secret. Archie flicked some more ash into the finger-bowl. I don't seem absolutely to have grasped the affair in all its aspects, if you know what I mean, he said. I mean to say, in the first place, why would it brighten your young existence if I entertain this snake of yours? It's not mine. It belongs to Madame Brudowska. You've heard of her, of course. Oh, yes, she's some sort of performing snake-female in Vorderville or something, isn't she, or something of that species, or order? You're near it, but not quite right. She is the leading exponent of the high-brow tragedy on any stage in the civilized world. Absolutely! I remember now. My wife lugged me to see her perform one night. It all comes back to me. She had me wedged in an orchestra stall before I knew what I was up against, and then it was too late. I remember reading in some journal or other that she had a pet snake, given her by some Russian prince or other, what? That, said Sheriff, was the impression I intended to convey when I sent the story to the papers. I'm her press agent. As a matter of fact, I bought Peter, its name's Peter, myself down on the east side. I always believe in animals for press agent stunts. I've nearly always had good results. But with her nibs, I'm handicapped. Shackled, so to speak. You might almost say my genius is stifled, or strangled, if you prefer it. Anything you say, agreed Archie, courteously. But how? Why is your what you call it, what's its name? She keeps me on a leash. She won't let me do anything with a kick in it. If I've suggested one rip snorting stunt, I've suggested twenty. And every time she turns them down on the ground that that sort of thing is beneath the dignity of an artist in her position. It doesn't give a fellow a chance. So now I've made up my mind to do her good by stealth. I'm going to steal her snake. Steal it? Pinch it, as it were? Yes. Big story for the papers, you see. She's grown very much attached to Peter. He's her mascot. I believe she's practically kitted herself into believing that Russian print story. If I can sneak it away and keep it away for a day or two, she'll do the rest. She'll make such a fuss that the papers will be full of it. I see. Wow! Any ordinary woman would work in with me, but not her nibs. She would call it cheap and degrading and a lot of other things. It's got to be a genuine steal, and if I'm caught at it, I lose my job. So that's where you come in. But where am I going to keep the jolly old reptile? Oh, anywhere. Punch a few holes in a hat-box and make it up a shake down inside. It'll be company for you. Something in that. My wife's away just now, and it's a bit lonely in the evenings. You'll never be lonely with Peter around. He's a great scout. Always merry and bright. He doesn't bite, I suppose, or sting or what-not. He may what-not occasionally. It depends on the weather, but outside of that he's as harmless as a canary. Dasha dangerous things, canaries, said Archie thoughtfully. They peck at you. Don't weaken, pleaded the breast-agent. Oh, all right. I'll take him. By the way, touching the matter of browsing and sleucing, what do I feed him on? Oh, anything. Bread and milk, or fruit, or soft-boiled egg, or dog biscuit, or ant's eggs? You know, anything you have yourself. Well, I'm much obliged for your hospitality. I'll do the same for you another time. Now I must be getting along to seek to the practical end of the thing. By the way, her nibs lives at the Cosmopolis too. Very convenient. Well, so long. See you later. Archie, left alone, began for the first time to have serious doubts. He had allowed himself to be swayed by Mr. Sheriff's magnetic personality, but now that the other had removed himself, he began to wonder if he had been entirely wise to lend his sympathy and cooperation to the scheme. He had never had intimate dealings with a snake before, but he had kept silkworms as a child, and there had been the deuce of a lot of fuss and unpleasantness over them. Getting into the salad and whatnot, something seemed to tell him that he was asking for trouble with a loud voice, but he had given his word and he supposed he would have to go through with it. He lit another cigarette and wandered out into Fifth Avenue. His usual smooth brow was ruffled with care. Despite the eulogies which Sheriff had uttered concerning Peter, he found his doubts increasing. Peter might, as the press agent had stated, be a great scout, but was his the little garden of Eden on the fifth floor of the Cosmopolis Hotel likely to be improved by the advent of even the most amiable and winsome of serpents? However... Moom! My dear fellow! The voice, speaking suddenly in his ear from behind, roused Archie from his reflections. Indeed, it roused him so effectually that he jumped a clear inch off the ground and bit his tongue. Revolving on his axis, he found himself confronting a middle-aged man with a face like a horse. The man was dressed in something of an Old World style. His clothes had an English cut. He had a drooping gray mustache. He also wore a gray, bolder hat, flattened at the crown. But who are we to judge him? Archie Moom! I've been trying to find you all the morning! Archie had placed him now. He had not seen General Manister for several years. Not, indeed, since the days when he used to meet him at the home of young Lord Seacliffe, his nephew. Archie had been at Eden and Oxford with Seacliffe and had often visited him in the long vacation. Hello, General! What ho, what ho? What on earth are you doing over here? Let's get out of this crush, my boy! General Manister steered Archie into a side street. That's better! He cleared his throat once or twice, as if embarrassed. I've brought Seacliffe over, he said, finally. Dear old Squiffy, here, how I say great work! General Manister did not seem to share his enthusiasm. He looked like a horse with a secret sorrow. He coughed three times, like a horse who, in addition to a secret sorrow, had contracted asthma. You will find Seacliffe changed, he said. Let me see, how long is it since you and he met? Archie reflected. I was demobbed just about a year ago. I saw him in Paris about a year before that. The old egg got a bit of shrapnel in his foot or something, didn't he? Anyhow, I remember he was sent home. His foot is perfectly well again now, but, unfortunately, the enforced inaction led to disastrous results. You recollect, no doubt, that Seacliffe always had a, um, tendency, a weakness. It was a family failing. Mopping it up, do you mean? Shifting it, looking on the jolly old stuff, when it was red and what not, what? Exactly. Archie nodded. Dear old Squiffy was always rather a lad for the Waseil bowl. When I met him in Paris, I remember he was quite tolerably blotto. Precisely, and the failing has, I regret to say, grown on him since he returned from the war. My poor sister was extremely worried. In fact, to cut a long story short, I induced him to accompany me to America. I am attached to the British legation in Washington now, you know. Oh, really! I wished Seacliffe to come with me to Washington, but he insists on remaining in New York. He stated specifically that the thought of living in Washington gave him the—what was the expression he used? The pip? The pip! Precisely. But what was the idea of bringing him to America? This admirable prohibition enactment has rendered America, to my mind, the ideal place for a young man of his views. The general looked at his watch. It is most fortunate that I happen to run into you, my dear fellow. My train for Washington leaves in another hour, and I have packing to do. I want to leave poor Seacliffe in your charge while I am gone. Oh, I say what! You can look after him. I am credibly informed that even now there are places in New York where a determined young man may obtain the—um—stuff, and I should be infinitely obliged, and my poor sister would be infinitely grateful if you would keep an eye on him. He hailed a taxicab. I am sending Seacliffe round to the Cosmopolis to-night. I am sure you will do everything you can. Goodbye, my boy. Goodbye. Archie continued his walk. This, he felt, was beginning to be a bit thick. He smiled a bitter, mirthless smile as he recalled the fact that less than half an hour had elapsed since he had expressed a regret that he did not belong to the ranks of those who do things. Fate, since then, had certainly supplied him with jobs with a lavish hand. By bedtime he would be an active accomplice to a theft, valet and companion to a snake he had never met, and, as far as could gather the scope of his duties, a combination of nursemaid and private detective to dear old Squiffy. It was past four o'clock when he returned to the Cosmopolis. Roscoe's sheriff was pacing the lobby of the hotel nervously, carrying a small handbag. Here you are at last! Good heavens, man! I've been waiting two hours! Sorry, old bean. I was musing a bit and lost track of the time. The press agent looked cautiously round. There was nobody within earshot. Here he is, he said. Who? Peter! Where? said Archie, staring blankly. In this bag! Did you expect to find him strolling arm and arm with me around the lobby? Here you are. Take him. He was gone. And Archie, holding the bag, made his way to the lift. The bag squirmed gently in his grip. The only other occupant of the lift was a striking-looking woman of foreign appearance, dressed in a way that made Archie feel that she must be somebody or she couldn't look like that. Her face, too, seemed vaguely familiar. She entered the lift at the second floor where the tea-room is, and she had the contented expression of one who'd had tea to her satisfaction. She got off at the same floor as Archie, and walked swiftly in a life pantherist way round the bend in the corridor. Archie followed more slowly. When he reached the door of his room the passage was empty. He inserted the key in his door, turned it, pushed the door open, and pocketed the key. He was about to enter when the bag again squirmed gently in his grip. From the days of Pandora, through the epoch of Bluebeard's wife, down to the present time, one of the chief failings of humanity has been the disposition to open things that were better closed. It would have been simple for Archie to have taken another step and put a door between himself and the world, but there came to him the irresistible desire to peep into the bag now. Not three seconds later, but now. All the way up in the lift he had been battling with the temptation, and now he succumbed. The bag was one of those simple bags with a thing gummy which you press. Archie pressed it, and as it opened out popped the head of Peter. His eyes met Archie's. Over his head there seemed to be an invisible mark of interrogation. His gaze was curious but kindly. He appeared to be saying to himself, Have I found a friend? Serpents, or snakes, says the Encyclopedia, are reptiles of the Sarian-class Ophidia, characterized by an elongated, cylindrical, limbless, scaly form, and distinguished from lizards by the fact that the halves of the lower jaw are not solidly united at the chin, but moveably connected by an elastic ligament. The vertebra are very numerous, gastrocentrous, and prosilis, and of course, when they put it like that, you can see at once that a man might spend hours with combined entertainment and profit just looking at a snake. Archie would no doubt have done this, but long before he had time to really inspect the halves of his new friend's lower jaw and to admire its elastic fittings, and long before the gastrocentrous and prosilis character of the other's vertebrae had made any real impression on him, a piercing scream almost at his elbow startled him out of his scientific reverie. A door opposite had opened, and the woman of the elevator was standing, staring at him with an expression of horror and fury that went through him like a knife. It was the expression which more than anything else had made Madame Brudowska what she was professionally. Combined with a deep voice and a sinuous walk, it enabled her to draw down a matter of a thousand dollars per week. Indeed, though the fact gave him little pleasure, Archie, as a matter of fact, was at this moment getting about, including war tax, two dollars and seventy-five cents worth of the great emotional star for nothing. For having treated him gratis to the look of horror and fury, she now moved towards him with a sinuous walk and spoke in the tone which she seldom permitted herself to use before the curtain of Act II, unless there was a wail of a situation that called for it in Act I. FAVE! It was the way she said it. Archie staggered backwards, as though he had been hit between the eyes, fell through the open door of his room, kicked it too with a flying foot and collapsed on the bed. Peter, the snake who had fallen on the floor with a squashy sound, looked surprised and pained for a moment. Then, being a philosopher at heart, cheered up and began hunting for flies under the bureau. END OF CHAPTER VII