 December. If you're joining us tonight, my name is Patricia Muriochi. Welcome on Y2-54 Updates. And tonight we're talking about a very interesting topic. It's something that the moment you mention love, the moment you mention relationships, you are very sure that you're going to have a conversation around all that. And tonight we talk about conscious relationships. Not the normal boy meets girl or girl meets boy. I would just try to see what do we mean when we talk about our conscious relationship. We try to evaluate tonight, do we have people engaging in conscious relationships as we speak? For people who are dating or someone who's watching us tonight, how would you describe rather your relationship? Is it a healthy relationship? Is it a place where you feel that you're growing? Does the other person bring out the best in you? Or are you in a situation where you're suffocated, if I may use that name? Talk to us across our social media platforms that is the Y2-54 channel. You can also reach me at Patricia Muriochi. And to help us talk about this tonight, we start with the ladies. I'm planning to have a series on relationships during the entire month of December. And next time we're going to have some gentlemen to also share their perception and their take on relationships. But tonight we have Angela Couture, who is the founder, Angelique Achievers, and also a relationship coach. We also have Emma Mungute, who is a founder of Amandla Foundation. Welcome ladies. Thank you. Relationships and love. It is something literally that sparks a lot of conversations. And people have different opinions when it comes to what you would define a healthy relationship with us. But tonight I want us to do it very differently. We just have a conversation. And the first thing I would like to ask you, Angela, what is a conscious relationship? Because I'm sure there's someone who is hearing about conscious relationships. Today they have had relationships, but they've really never taken time or it's the first time they get into hear the term conscious relationships. How do you define that? A conscious relationship is a relationship that is inclined towards having a meaning to it. What is your meaning to or what is your why into wanting to have that kind of the kind of relationship you want. And you also need to define the kind of relationship that you want to have. Because there are so many different kinds of relationships. If you want to get married, do you want to be in a polygamous marriage? Or do you want to be in a monogamous? Or do you want to be in a what? But you need to have your reason. You need to have your intentions very clear. And it can only be defined as conscious when you're very clear about really what you really want. So there must be some consciousness. There must be some awareness, a lot of it actually about self awareness, not awareness of the other person because it has to start from me. What do I want for me to be able to settle down with anyone? What am I looking for? And can this person be that person who can give me or who can we can build this kind of relationship that I'm looking for with. So I need to be, you need to be very conscious. I mean to be, let me not use the same term, but you need to be to be very clear with your why. Yeah, reason is very important. Okay. Emma, before you get to tell us what a conscious relationship means to you, do you think that people are engaging in conscious relationships currently? The young people who are so happy and booed up to think those relationships are conscious relationships? So my answer would be a yes and no. Yeah, so depending on the individuals, were they raised in a healthy setup where, you know, their parents embodied healthy lifestyles and how to live or not. So basically, majorly, we are all all raised with trauma somehow, childhood trauma, and they affect us. So largely, I will say no. And yes, so it's, it's, there's no clear cut answer to that depends on how the somebody's upbringing was. Yes. Okay. So what is a conscious relationship to you? So how I would define a conscious relationship, it's a relationship where two people come together, knowing very well that what they want, the negotiables and the negotiables are being met, knowing who they are, where they the direction rather the relationship is going to take. See, when we are young, decisions are made for us. Yeah, we don't choose the clothes we wear, we don't choose the food we eat, we don't also choose basically even the school we go to, or even sometimes the people we interact with because our parents are like, no, don't talk to that one, you can keep that one and stuff. But then as an adult, you get to make a deliberate choice of who you want to be with and the direction the relationship should take. So to me, a conscious relationship is a happy relationship where there is no confusion. The two people are aware that they are in a relationship. Because again, sometimes we've had scenarios where the lady knows she's in a relationship, the guy doesn't know, so it really needs to be both parties rather need to be aware that they are in a relationship and the direction that relationship is taking. So in order to have given a definition, I'm sure that people watching us can now really understand what his entire conversation is going to be all about. But we're not sitting here to talk about the normal things that you've had before. It is just trying to create something or bring about a very different perspective rather on what healthy relationships look like. So Angela, out there now, do we build a conscious relationship? How do I even identify a conscious partner? Because a conscious relationship and a conscious partner, those are two different things. So how now do I start that journey of identifying a conscious partner if it's a boy looking for a girl or a girl looking for a boy? First of all, you need to understand that the person you're going to attract into your life is you, is the mirror of you. So you need to know that the kind of person that I am will determine the kind of relationship that I'm going to get. So if you're looking for, you know, the holier-than-thou guy or lady, you need to ask yourself, am I also holier-than-thou? What qualities do I have? What am I looking at? So you can maybe write down the qualities of a person that you're looking for and then you don't just go out look for that person. But first, get to understand whether you really have these qualities yourself. So you have to, first of all, work on yourself for you to be really conscious because what we are looking at tonight I think is being able to come up with good relationships that are going to flourish, that are going to help us grow, you know, that are going to be maybe if we are a partner we're going to be going to the same direction, but not you go to this direction and I go to mine and we meet somewhere or we don't meet and then you know it crumbles. And this now defines the kind of relationships that we have around most of the relationships we have around. We are all keen to look around and see what is happening. But now to build a good relationship you need to be yourself first of all work on yourself and you can never work on something that you don't know. I always talk about being self-aware, working on yourself. So we need to build our own personal development to be able to, you know, to just look at ourselves consciously and before you can even get yourself to even start a relationship, remember that like she said that you come from a foundation. How was your foundation? What are the wounds that you've grown up with and you need to clear up these wounds? You need to heal. Everyone needs healing because everyone has been traumatized by something. Everybody has a past and we cannot say that my past has just been smooth. No life has a smooth line and except the dead one. That's why when we die the machine goes a straight line but when we are alive it's up and down up and down. So we need to know that it is the norm of life to be able to, I mean to go through the pains and sufferings of life or whatever it is that we've gone through. But now you have to work on yourself, heal yourself. Yeah, get to a place where now you are at peace with yourself, with your past, so that you don't bring in something, someone to your life and start bleeding on them while they were not there when you are getting hurt. So yeah, building a relationship, a conscious relationship has to start with self-awareness and being able to have or make peace with your past. Okay, as I was going through different sources of information to prepare for this show, sorry for this show, the someone who talked about you getting into a relationship without being aware of who you are just as Angela has finished talking about self-awareness and you'll end up whatever definition this person is going to give to you or whatever things they're going to throw at you is what you're not start thinking as your definition. So what are the dangers of getting into a relationship when you lack self-awareness, when you're not mature enough to really know what it takes to really be in that situation? Okay, so I'd first start by saying that you know the societal conditioning of what a good relationship should look like or what to expect in a relationship and there's this concept of when you're getting into a relationship it's a 50-50, like you are half, I'm coming also as half to complete you, which is a very wrong concept. You know, essentially a healthy relationship should be where, one where we are whole as we are, we are coming for interdependence, not co-dependency. So yes, so the danger of having that mindset is you get into a relationship first, you're not aware of self as she has said, self-awareness is very important. So when you are aware of yourself, what limitations, drawbacks you have, positives that you carry and what you are looking for. It is easier to have a healthy relationship. So sit, no, this is what I want, this is what I don't want, this is what I can live with, this is what I can't live with and then find a way of having it work for you because when you look at social construct and what other people want for you then you end up producing it. When you talk about being aware of who you are, we know that for us to also have healthy relationships, we need to get to a point where we are not scared of being vulnerable and most of the times the woman is not going to be scared of vulnerability but the man will find himself like old in on it, they don't want to express themselves in a certain way because we would hand them as weak and strong men are not expecting to cry, strong men sometimes are not even expecting to be emotional by the society, the society that I keep on asking, I wish it was a person that I could go and ask a million and one questions. So Angela, what do you think when it comes to vulnerability, to what extent are you supposed to be to get vulnerable or to be vulnerable with your partner and how important or what impact does vulnerability bring to making sure that we have in conscious relationships? Being vulnerable is power, it's something that is going to even bring you out better than hiding yourself or not bringing out yourself the way you're supposed to be because when you're vulnerable you're able to express yourself, you're able to share, you're able to own up, owning up is something that is very big in relationships, many people don't like, even owning up my own, even those things that I only, it's only me who knows, I know to self, you still don't want to look at yourself and identify yourself with these things and get to know that they happened to me or this is how I am but you still want to hide them inside you from yourself and you know there are people that you can never lie to, you can never lie to yourself, you can never lie to the level and you can never lie to God, so lying to yourself is you know it doesn't help you, you need to just be vulnerable enough to even accept yourself as you are and that's why I always talk about I still want to go back to self-awareness, when you're aware of yourself, when you're aware of who you are you will not fear being vulnerable and being vulnerable also makes the other person to be able to you know to bring out their weak points because they know that I can be safe here but when you start hiding they also hide and then of course now you don't have a unity, you're going to be like in a place where you're competing or you live your own way, I live my own way but you need to be in a place where you feel very comfortable because a conscious relationship can only be built where you're very comfortable with yourself you know even with your looks with whatever and with your thoughts even when you know that you're not saying the right thing just say it and you'll be corrected so be free to share with yourself and also the other person should be also be free to share with the other partner tonight we're talking about conscious relationships and so far we've talked about vulnerability we've tried to define what a conscious relationship really means and now we get to dive now into the details that I think will not be fair if we don't talk about them tonight talk to us across our social media platforms that is at y254channel you can also reach me at patricia muriochi so um safe relationships we've seen people stay in relationships and they can literally tell it is not healthy it is not doing me any good um but I want it I want us to address it in this way relationships are not always going to be fun there'll be them misunderstandings there'll be the fights and the conflicts and all that but how are we now how can we be able to address that how can we be able to fight in a healthy way and make sure that even through the fight and through the conflict I still feel my partners care for me I still feel my partners love for me and this is someone who is not like we are not fighting each other we're just trying to fix us and have a safe relationship Angela. Conversation and communication is very important in relationships so you need to talk talk it out and don't talk at the other person talk with the other person so talk when it is right at the time is right talk at the right mood you know right tone yeah the right tone so you have to to get to know um your partner and know what they like and when they like to have such a conversation and you can even suggest and let them you know also be able to tell you when they will be ready to share or to talk about it whatever it is so conflicts are normal yeah they will always happen because they are not two people who will be married or will be relating in a romantic relationships and they were brought up together but also feel conflicts have a limitation yes of course yeah they are you should you should you should be having conflicts that build you when when we are differing we should be able to to sit down and talk and look at where is the problem where is it coming from how can we find out what the root is and how can we kill this root okay it's not supposed to be oh you did this and I did this I did not do this you did it's not about who is righteous and who is not it's about how can we together work on this and get a solution okay we've talked about Emma you mentioned traumas and when we went for the break we kind of like had a very small discussion about traumas and how people literally overlook that what do you think what advice do you have for people watching us tonight who have never taken the time to really understand that trait in them that makes every person complain they don't try to look where does it come from they only again say this is who I am this is how like a god created me and stuff but we know it is not who you are so how do we address our traumas with the intention of being better in relationships great so first probably we start by understanding what trauma is and trauma is an overwhelming experience that happens to anyone at any point of their life that is that is too much for them to handle that is stored in their subconscious and it manifests itself in people's relationships and in their lives either consciously or unconsciously and so to carry trauma and not be aware of it is something that is very dangerous because sometimes people walk around thinking they are okay yet they are not they they are working with open wounds and they are bleeding on every person and they think that every every person they meet is the problem they don't ever stop to think wait so five people have the same reaction towards me probably the problem could be me yeah and in Africa we don't we don't normally think that probably we are the way we are because of what happened to us and because of the traumas that we carry and also to just note that even beating a baby a child at a young age is traumatizing so there's these common vast people say that spare the road spoil the child which I feel has been you know taken overboard remember when you're a shepherd when you have that road you don't use it to hit the the animals you use it to shepherd shepherd means you just direct them to one place not to hit you get so hitting somebody is traumatizing being ignored being shouted at being mocked being taunted broken promises staying in a home where you've seen parents seek all the time staying in a home where you know you've lacked poverty is also traumatizing yeah staying in a home where you don't have and where you see a world of people who are living and you are surviving you know that that also causes trauma and so it's very important for people to assess themselves to just sincerely sit and think because you cannot lie to yourself we all know what we are good at what we are not good at what we could do better and so it's very important that all of us take that initiative to take time to really know ourselves and get to know our problems and seek help there's no shame help is out there there's no shame in seeking help Patricia we go through so much in life it's true and everything that we go through shapes us but importantly the voice that the things that we tell ourselves the voice in our heads is essentially what matters and it's what can doom you or make you so it's very important that we acknowledge where we have misgivings and seek help help is out there there's no shame in seeking help and also for parents to normalize getting help for their kids for example a parent who loses a spouse at a very young age normally according to psychology children cannot process grief until they are nine years old so imagine losing a spouse and there's a child who's below the age nine years old so we normally think the person who needs support is the the spouse who has lost their significant other we don't think of that child however that also affects them so I think it's it's high time as Africans as Kenyans we normalized that you know things happen in our childhood and to also seek help okay let us talk about our society pressures all these things called society I literally don't like I mean there's space in my life where I'm avoiding that is society expects me to do this and all that but we have society pressure when it comes to relationships and we also have social media pressure when it comes to relationship that is at a certain age every auntie at home is wondering where is where is he we cannot see him or where is she we cannot see her what is happening what is wrong with you so I will now do we have people getting into relationships and not even they like come stay and start for dating marriages because they want to please their parents they want to please their friends you've seen a couple on social media or love you davey and all that and you want to do that for people watching us tonight Angela and they are kind of falling into that pressure how can we limit ourselves and define things that work for us without expecting for this society to define these things for us society speaks a lot there's a lot there's always so much that they have they're contented with whatever yes that's what I realized my life in my life I think having been brought up by you know christian parents from a village that where everyone meets you and says oh this katoa's daughter because of the face you know they know you so they will ask you where is a trophy yeah like it's a trophy so I think having made those mistakes myself and being I don't know complying to the pressures of the society I have suffered I have let me not say say suffered but I have gone through traumas I found myself as a single mother and now so that I pleased my parents and my society and my community I found myself now falling in falling into another trap of a marriage that broke up within the first year and I had not even taken time to know this guy for me it was like I have gotten my husband we are going to into it and I put everything I had into it including money and I was by the time I woke up I was I just had a suitcase of clothes and two babies now to take care of so it's um you can see what the society can do to you okay so it's good to look at yourself and even after now getting myself together and you know now I'm living the right way the society still demands you know they're still talking you know yeah the society still wants so it has to be your journey it has to be you okay you must know that your life is yours okay you're not here to please anyone but after all you can never please everybody okay even your own parents you can never be able to please okay so yeah as you wind up Emma society and social media and by this age we want children by this age you want to marry by this age you want to see what what what your thoughts on that um so my thought is this even parents who have kids like you say you have two kids you realize they're very different we um it's very wrong to expect um different people as many as we are in the world to fit in um in a cocoon and act a certain way speak a certain way do things a certain way so then we are acceptable um it's a call to everyone to accept being misunderstood and just being you there's nothing as freeing as just being authentically you doing you as bad as bad or as good as that might sound doing you and being authentic to yourself because you owe it to yourself you owe happiness to yourself because by the end of the day you have you to live with for the rest of your life yeah absolutely it is it is by the end of the day okay you have you to live with for the rest of your life so this brings us to the end of this conversation tonight and I would say it has been very beautiful and amazing but I'm going to have you again because there's quite a lot that we've not covered but this is what I'll tell you uh if a relationship gets to compromise your happiness which is the most important thing in your life then get out you don't need to be in a place just for people to see you there but you're crashing or you're not all and your relationship compromises your mental awareness the same thing please choose you first okay thank you very much for being with us you'd rather be single and happy and in a relationship and very horrible good night my name is Patricia have a good night